All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine s17e05 Captain Clutterbucks Treasure.eng

INAUDIBLE

Listen, I've just had an idea. Why
don't we slow march for a while?

You call that an idea?

It seems ages
since I've done a slow march.

It's very relaxing is a slow march.

Oh, I bet that feels better(!)

Eh-up...

that's Howard.

What's he up to?

Oh...

Actually...Howard's not a bad chap
when you get to know him.

That's a change. You've always
thought he was a dillup.

A point of view that's always
struck me as entirely reasonable.

Well, that was before I realised
we had interests in common...

jungle infantry tactics.

He's interested in jungle infantry
tactics?! Very. You'd be surprised.

But he does crosswords
and paints by numbers.

I don't think it's enough any more.

Listen, he's got Marina.
She's enough!

GLASS SMASHES

And don't come back!

A benison on your house, innkeeper.

Well met there.

Can you deny the hand of fate
has clearly thrown us together?

That weren't fate, mate,
that were the landlord.

Merely a tool in the service
of our larger destiny.

Lieutenant Commander Willoughby,
Royal Navy, retired.

Would any of you gentlemen...
by any chance...

be interested in making...
large amounts of money?

How much?

How? I bet this is gonna be good(!)

Buried treasure.

An enormous hoard
lying there for centuries.

Where's he gonna find a muffin
that's going to believe that?!

Just to satisfy an intellectual
curiosity...WHAT buried treasure?

I'm glad you asked that.

Captain Clutterbuck's treasure!

You've heard of it?
Well, not till you just said it.

I've never heard of it. No-one has.
Well, it's a good job, isn't it?!

Fate! Otherwise some unscrupulous
rogue would have been away with it.

Captain Clutterbuck kept tight
security, so that's in his favour.

Who WAS Captain Clutterbuck?

He was a pirate.

A famous YORKSHIRE pirate.

A lot of pirating went off
in Yorkshire, did it(?)

He didn't do it HERE.

He was a pirate on the Spanish Main.

I've 'eard of the Barnsley main.

Well, maybe that's it. Maybe he was
a pirate on the Barnsley Main(!)

There's a certain sense of rural
humour hereabouts! Oh, ignore them.

But why have we never heard
of Captain Clutterbuck if he was a famous pirate?

Because he was a SUCCESSFUL pirate.

How long would you be a pirate
if you didn't keep a low profile?

Yes, sounds reasonable.
It's rubbish. I love it. What's this treasure, then?

It would be better discussed
over a drink.

Not here, for I seem to be persona
non grata in this establishment.

Why IS that?

I was merely trying to raise funds
for the expedition. What expedition?

To recover the treasure.

You know where it is, then?

Of course I know where it is.

I have a map.

Not here.

No, no. Let's have
a bit of security about it -

find a quiet corner in another pub.

He's falling for it.

Captain Clutterbuck's treasure!
I like it.

DOOR OPENS

Ah. Good morning, dear lady.

I'll have tea - Earl Grey.

And perhaps a little scrambled egg
on toast.

Where did you find him?
Ah! It was fate.

Somebody threw him at us
as we passed. Ask a silly question!

Is tha going to buy him breakfast?

I'M not going to buy him breakfast,
WE are going to buy him breakfast.

Think of it as an investment. Think
of it as throwing your money away.

And possibly a few grilled mushrooms.

No wonder they threw him
out of the pub!

Well? Does he get mushrooms or not?!

Oh, yeah, give him some mushrooms.

You should find a few more like 'im.

I'll have the same. You have
nothing to offer in return.

Listen, if it's buried treasure,
there'll be some digging to be done.

But what about your back?!

The work-allergic back
that's kept you safe from manual labour all these years!

Norman, it's buried treasure!

I think the back'll be all right.

Treasure!
These breakfasts are strictly cash.

Will you keep your voice down?

From now on I'm imposing a strict
security blackout on this operation.

When you said you liked
doing things together, I never dreamed you meant digging holes.

It's something I learned
from Foggy Dewhurst. You'll like it when it's finished.

Just imagine...

our own hole!

Let's see, then.

I can't do that! If I show you
the map you'll know as much as I do.

On the other hand...
you bought me breakfast.

And common courtesy demands I give
you the opportunity to BUY the map.

They're a terrible lot round here
for parting with coin of the realm.

You ought to try running a business
'ere...it's like pulling teeth!

How much?

Oh, we can negotiate. I'm always
reasonable after a good breakfast.

Come on, lads.

It's a con!

It's not the money, it's history.
We owe it to the memory of Captain Clutterbuck, Yorkshire pirate.

Have you paid a gas bill lately(?)

How come we've never 'eard
of this Captain Clutterbuck, eh?

I told you, he was successful. You
don't hear about the successful ones.

You only hear about
the ones they hang.

I find that convincing.

I'm sorry.
Don't think I'm being picky, but...

I can't believe
in a pirate called Clutterbuck.

What was his first name?
Ronald.

There you go, then.

Yes, well, you can't read too much
into that.

I mean, after all, Francis Drake
could have been a woman.

I always thought he were.

A pirate didn't go about
calling himself Ronald.

I bet the ship's crew
were relieved(!)

He called himself Black Jack.

Black Jack Clutterbuck.

Yes, well,
that has an authentic ring.

He came from Hebden Bridge.

Well, you must admit a lot of
pirates come from Hebden Bridge(!)

Can we get down to some detail? I
mean, is the treasure...round here?

Oh, yes.

But you'll need the map.

I speak for my colleagues when
I say we'd like to LOOK at the map.

..Just a corner.

Yeah, agreed. Just a corner.

Yes, well, it-it looks authentic.

It's a photocopy.

There's probably a sound reason
for that.

I see.

Black Jack Clutterbuck, not only
the scourge of the Spanish Main,

but the inventor
of the first photocopier(!)

Now pay attention,
it's perfectly simple.

When a customer comes in,
you pretend you're another customer.

How do I do that?

You just browse around.

Oh! You wander round like a customer.
You can browse, can't you?

I expect I can browse, yeah.

But you're really keeping an eye
on the customer I'm serving.

I have to browse AND keep an eye
on the customer you're serving?

You've got two eyes.
But they both usually point the same way.

But not the same way
as your brain!

Now pay attention. If the customer
starts hesitating about buying whatever I'm trying to sell him -

and they do,
you'd be amazed how some people try to hesitate about buying -

THAT'S where you come in.

There's more?!

This is the main part.
I haven't got THREE eyes!

You pretend to notice
the thing I'm trying to sell.

So you interrupt me,
and you say,

"Stop! Don't sell that.
I need it for a rich American."

I don't know
any rich Americans.

Let's just keep that our secret.
I won't tell if you won't.

So, you take it
from the customer. Take what?

Whatever it is
I'm trying to sell him.

You hold it up and look at it.
I knew it! That's at least three eyes.

Look at it with reverence.
I know you can do reverence, I've seen you part with a �5 note.

Not very often, mind you.

Look at it and tell the customer
how rich Americans go mad for items like that.

Ooooh! Oooh!

I had to make a photocopy,
the original was too fragile.

An historical artefact
needs to be cherished.

I live next door
to a bird like that.

Think what you could buy her if we
found the treasure. Wait a minute.

How many copies of this map
has he sold?

How many HAVE you sold?

You'll be pleased to hear, none.
THIS is the only copy.

So what was tha selling in the pub?
And how come tha got thrown out?

That is not a question
one gentleman asks another.

You're a man of discretion, sir.
Hah-hah-hah.

I feel I can confess to you...

..it was some slight miscalculation
with the barmaid's leg. Hah? Hah? Hah-hah-hah.

The damned thing wouldn't let go
of my hand.

SMARMY LAUGH

There's this small voice
that keeps saying,

"Why aren't YOU
looking for the treasure?"

Ignore it. I can explain.

I have this weak heart.

Weak heart!

Yes. I'm afraid my life these days
is circumscribed by the palpitations of a faulty ticker.

Of course, I have the satisfaction
of knowing I overstrained it in the service of humanity.

But you can understand why I
couldn't risk hunting for treasure - I couldn't stand the excitement.

What about the barmaid?

It wasn't like that.

The good woman merely reminded me
of the lady...

who was once...

my wife.

PRREEUGH!

Aah!

How much are you asking
for the map?

Er, steady on, Foggy,
I owe a fine at the library!

You know,
you chaps have been more than kind.

I feel that you would
spend the wealth...sensibly.

Very well! I'll charge you just
enough to cover my expenses, huh?

How do you feel about �1,000?

All right, I can see how you feel.

All right.

How much?

Thirty.

Well, that's a bit of a drop from...
Done!

I think we have been.

COUGH, COUGH

HOWARD: What is it, love?
MARINA: This dust, Howard. HOWARD: Oh!

HOWARD: I'll let some air in.
MARINA: That's a good idea.

TRING, TRING

I think we've really cracked it
this time!

I learnt how do this
from Foggy Dewhurst.

We needn't just have one. We'll make
sniper trenches wherever we like!

We could have
a string of these!

I can hardly wait,
Howard(!)

What are we doing here?
Isn't one pirate enough?

We have to hire a metal detector.
It'll be expensive.

It doesn't matter now we know where
the treasure is. Oh! Big spender(!)

Don't look in her eyes! Whatever
you do, don't look in her...eyes.

Here it is, good as new.
How long do you want it for?

Well, er... I-I think a day should
do. It comes cheaper by the week.

No, a day will do.
You can't help some people.

NO! No, you can't take that!
I need it for some rich Americans.

Ooh! They're not buying,
they're hiring.

Oooh!

Oh, I'll never
get the hang of this!

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Captain Clutterbuck's treasure?!

I was there. I saw it all.

^
No wonder security's his watchword.

They get dafter!

Yorkshire pirate?!
ARE there any Yorkshire pirates?

Well, your Barry
works for a building society!

^
They believed it and bought the map?

Thirty pounds!
Ooh! They'll believe anything.

Especially if it's dyed blonde!

My Barry
doesn't believe anything. Well, he wouldn't.

But your father used to think
he could walk in the house with his oily boots on.

What I can't believe
about those three is WHO had �30?

Foggy Dewhurst
went to the cash dispenser.

Ye, gods! I bet he approached it
as if it was liable to bite.

ENGINE CHUGGS

BANG!

ENGINE STOPS

Oooh! Whatever it is,
the answer's no. I'm busy.

What? Too busy to find a fortune?

To transform your life? To be able
to afford a non-smoking engine?

What fortune?

Captain Clutterbuck's treasure.

They all do that. Have you noticed?

You mention Captain Clutterbuck's
treasure and they all do that.

Foggy's not laughing.
He's just spent �30!

They'll be laughing when we find it.

We need your Land Rover,
to carry it back.

This I've got to see.
Who was Captain Clutterbuck?

BLACK JACK CLUTTERBUCK!

The scourge of the Spanish Main!

Captain Clutterbuck's treasure!

Just keep your eyes on the road.

Turn right here.

Are you sure about this?
Just keep driving, will you?

Who'd want to bury anything
way out 'ere?

Unless it was Mrs Clutterbuck!

Well, it's obvious he'd want to
bury it somewhere quiet, isn't it?

Cheer up. When we get to the end
of this, he'll probably make us dig.

Ooh! No digging for me,
not with my back.

Phwooaah! My back!

Dig!

And what are we digging for?

An old Land Rover!

Captain Clutterbuck's treasure turns
out to be a tatty old Land Rover!

She might be old,
but she's a good girl.

Aye. Well, it looks like
she's been led astray!

I never realised you were getting
so hot and flustered.

Don't fight it, Howard,
it might grow on you.

You stay here, love. I'll go
and find us some refreshments.

Right. We'll park here, Wesley -
under cover.

From now on,
security is our watchword.

Where are you two going?
We've got to hide the vehicle first.

Hide it?! Certainly hide it!

From now on, security
is of the utmost importance.

Aaaggh! Watch it!

Yes, that's better.

Yes, it's really rather good.

I just hope we can find 'er again!

I could stay and guard it.
You're coming to dig.

Oh-ho-ho! It's all go, this piracy,
isn't it? You don't get a minute.

Can we go now? ..And quietly.

Don't think because we're far from
anywhere, security's unimportant.

I chose here carefully.
It's why I read the map.

I wanted to find somewhere to park
miles away from anyone and anywhere.

There's a road!
We could have come by road.

If this thing's so top secret,
what are these cars doing 'ere?

..Coincidence.

What? Out here in the country?

People DO come out into the country.

Of course they do.

For fresh air. For peace and quiet.

..And for killing things.

What does it matter
WHAT they're doing?

We know they're NOT looking
for Captain Clutterbuck's treasure because WE have got the map.

The swine!
He sold more than one map!

PANTING

Gentlemen,
this is no time for distrust.

It's hurtful to my honour
as a naval officer...retired, DSO, RN, Queen's Medal for Bravery.

I am impressed with your
single-mindedness, so am prepared to negotiate a generous discount.

I find it hard to believe that
shrewd businessmen of your calibre

can think that the �10 you paid for
your map is in any way extortionate.

Ten quid?! We've been done!

By an expert.

I want you to promise me
one thing -

you'll never, never let me near
that cash dispenser again.

CRASH!

Ooooh!

Everywhere you turn these days,
there's somebody selling ice cream!

Quick! Quick!

Right. Lift.

GRUNTS OF EXERTION

INAUDIBLE

I hardly know this young lady, but...

should she be wrapped
in that gentleman like that?

I'd like to introduce you
to Lieutenant Commander Willoughby

Retired.

Well, I...
I must say it doesn't show.

Now, how much was it? �10?

�20.

Thirty?!

You paid that much for a map?!
No wonder you stayed a corporal!

Did you notice I never saluted him?

Eh-up, that'll teach 'im(!)

I liked him.

Couldn't afford him,
but I liked him.

Subtitles by Kathy Jenkins
BBC - 1995

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0