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1
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:50,960
Hey up! I spend a morning
trying to find a filly I fancy, and here she is! Keep away!
2
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:55,900
You go to jelly when you see me.
I've really got through to thee!
3
00:00:55,900 --> 00:01:01,920
I'll get through to YOU
if you don't keep away! Aw, come on. Don't pretend, Nora.
4
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:06,300
We both know
that I am irresistible!
5
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:11,760
You're stupid. You should keep out
of them places. Throwing money away!
6
00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:16,800
I've just paid a visit to my bank
where I have made my usual deposit.
7
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:24,520
If, by any chance, I should get
a winner, it's me and thee for the Orient Express. Peep-peep!
8
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:31,260
Orient Express?! You'd be more
at home on a dustbin lorry.
9
00:01:31,260 --> 00:01:36,200
Thee and Joan Crawford -
my kind of women.
10
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:41,600
Oh, aye. Tha'll be disappointed
tha didn't get a kiss from me.
11
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:46,260
Might've taken the wrinkles out of
them stockings, for a start.
12
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,640
Good morning. Morning.
13
00:02:42,420 --> 00:02:44,880
CRASH!
14
00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:52,240
And, of course, your Japanese
infantryman was a formidable enemy.
15
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:58,360
If you weren't careful,
they could slip between your legs. I remember...
16
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:05,240
I remember I was disguised
at the time as a native. I could blend into the jungle.
17
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:11,640
You wouldn't have seen me
if your nose had been an inch from me parang.
18
00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:18,080
Even the natives were amazed.
They were only little people. They used to call me...
19
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:23,080
SING-SONG VOICE:
"He who melts in shadow."
20
00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:30,740
I tell you what. I could melt in
those bushes over there, and you could see if you could spot me.
21
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:36,840
All right, then. Please yourself.
22
00:03:38,460 --> 00:03:43,800
And she never got a coat
as expensive as that without that lodger having a hand in it.
23
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:51,620
Hey up! I'll carry that bag.
You'll do no such thing!
24
00:03:51,620 --> 00:03:56,640
What are folk going to think if they
see me with people carrying me bag?
25
00:03:56,640 --> 00:04:00,700
Time folk knew that thee and me
have this thing.
26
00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:05,180
I don't have this thing.
I have this thing. Peep-peep!
27
00:04:05,180 --> 00:04:11,860
If you want to make yourself useful,
stop pestering me and give Mr Heptonstall a hand.
28
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:18,940
Aye, thanks. Grab hold of this.
29
00:04:27,900 --> 00:04:33,660
I could've told thee.
No good comes in life from overstretching yourself.
30
00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:50,640
WAR CRIES
31
00:05:12,220 --> 00:05:17,880
How did it happen? Trying to avoid
a Howard, that's how it happened.
32
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:25,760
Are you sure you did the right
thing? He's acting very strange. That'll be a change for Howard(!)
33
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,580
No, no. I mean, really strange.
34
00:05:28,580 --> 00:05:30,940
He had me stretched out on the
pavement
35
00:05:30,940 --> 00:05:36,580
and never once asked me
to help him to get to Marina.
36
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:56,400
Hang on a minute. Now what?
37
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:59,380
There's something in my welly.
38
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:05,720
Yes, there is, indeed, and I wish
you'd put it back in again.
39
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:12,700
What are we walking
all this way for, any road? I know why I'M walking.
40
00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:20,540
I'm walking because some fool has
rearranged me bicycle. It was ready for it. Me best bicycle!
41
00:06:20,540 --> 00:06:24,700
Has tha only got one bicycle?
That's the one.
42
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:37,940
Ah-h!
43
00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:40,700
Ooh-h!
44
00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:44,740
That man! Will you kindly remove
yourself?
45
00:06:44,740 --> 00:06:48,760
This is an ancient monument.
It was probably sacred.
46
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:56,540
It's not well-sprung, I can
tell you that. Get up and show respect to your ancestors!
47
00:06:56,540 --> 00:07:03,700
Who, for all their problems,
never had to worry about some fool rearranging their bicycle(!)
48
00:07:03,700 --> 00:07:08,600
Will you just stand here
and show a bit of respect!
49
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:11,280
It's just a bit of rock.
50
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:18,920
It's a very ancient bit of rock,
raised here by your ancestors for religious and ceremonial purposes.
51
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,980
Religious?!
52
00:07:20,980 --> 00:07:24,820
It's a picnic site.
53
00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:29,380
I like it - a Stone Age picnic site!
54
00:07:29,380 --> 00:07:34,100
They probably used to make
sacrifices on here.
55
00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:41,020
I'll bet these dark stains
are blood. They could be, you know, they could be blood.
56
00:07:41,020 --> 00:07:48,260
Fancy cutting yourself
in the Stone Age and having to wait all that time for an Elastoplast!
57
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:56,980
Human sacrifice.
Some people had to be victims for the good of the community.
58
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,700
Same thing today.
59
00:08:00,700 --> 00:08:06,800
Look what's happened to God-fearing,
hard-working, well-mannered people.
60
00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:41,000
Hey up! What's this, then?
61
00:08:52,540 --> 00:08:58,560
W-Welcome. I b-bring thee greetings
from my fellow earthmen.
62
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,400
(We've got a right dollop here!)
63
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:09,280
Things are looking up.
What's the fool talking about?
64
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:14,880
How was your journey? Terrible!
I got a stone in me welly.
65
00:09:39,319 --> 00:09:41,199
What are you reading?
66
00:09:41,199 --> 00:09:45,779
Oh. It's a field guide
to wild flowers.
67
00:09:45,779 --> 00:09:48,379
How long have YOU been
interested in wild flowers?
68
00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:50,499
Since Tuesday.
69
00:09:50,499 --> 00:09:52,919
I woke up on Tuesday thinking,
70
00:09:52,919 --> 00:09:55,379
"I ought to know
more about wild flowers."
71
00:09:56,799 --> 00:10:01,239
I wouldn't mind if everything
didn't finish up with the same old passion flower.
72
00:10:02,259 --> 00:10:05,219
Don't know what you mean, love.
73
00:10:05,219 --> 00:10:07,119
What's that on your collar?
74
00:10:11,939 --> 00:10:14,679
It's oil on your collar.
75
00:10:16,119 --> 00:10:20,219
How did you get oil
on your collar?
76
00:10:20,219 --> 00:10:24,479
I had to undo Cleggie
from his bicycle.
77
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:29,519
Ask a stupid question(!)
78
00:10:35,599 --> 00:10:38,939
Sorry. I thought you were them.
79
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:41,239
Them?
80
00:10:41,239 --> 00:10:46,239
According to our calculations,
they're due today. A bus trip?
81
00:10:46,239 --> 00:10:49,679
No, visitors. From out there.
82
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:55,779
Out where? Out there.
83
00:10:55,779 --> 00:11:01,999
In the vast recesses of the universe,
where light from earth has never penetrated.
84
00:11:03,139 --> 00:11:05,139
Barnsley?
85
00:11:06,799 --> 00:11:09,299
Outer Space.
86
00:11:09,299 --> 00:11:16,339
You thought we were visitors from
Outer Space? Well, HE could be from Outer Space.
87
00:11:18,619 --> 00:11:24,359
Watch it, Penelope, else THA
could be running out of space!
88
00:11:48,319 --> 00:11:54,879
I must say, this is fascinating,
sitting on a cold slab with 'oles in your trousers!
89
00:11:54,879 --> 00:12:01,119
Why don't we go for a pint
and a bar meal? Let's just mark time a moment.
90
00:12:01,119 --> 00:12:08,519
If people are going to arrive from
Outer Space, they ought to be met by...some responsible person.
91
00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:11,199
A trained leader.
92
00:12:11,199 --> 00:12:16,579
Listen, I don't want to appear
unduly pessimistic, but...
93
00:12:16,579 --> 00:12:19,379
suppose they're not friendly?
94
00:12:19,379 --> 00:12:24,739
They're friendly.
How does he know they're friendly?
95
00:12:24,739 --> 00:12:30,599
According to our calculations.
We don't go into these things blind, you know.
96
00:12:30,599 --> 00:12:36,959
When you say "we," who is this "we"
who's doing all these calculations?
97
00:12:36,959 --> 00:12:43,419
The club. Our club.
Of which I have the honour of being Secretary AND Treasurer.
98
00:12:43,419 --> 00:12:50,799
Oh, well, if he's Treasurer,
we've definitely got to go for a jar and a bar meal!
99
00:12:50,799 --> 00:12:54,799
Are we allowed to know the name
of this club?
100
00:12:54,799 --> 00:13:01,019
There's no secret. It's the
Heckmondwike Extra-Terrestrial Club.
101
00:13:01,019 --> 00:13:05,939
Are there many extra-terrestrials
in Heckmondwike?
102
00:13:05,939 --> 00:13:12,879
That's what you get!
That's what we get all the time - dozy beggars taking the wee-wee!
103
00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:16,179
Undoing Clegg from a bicycle,
he said.
104
00:13:16,179 --> 00:13:20,959
It makes you wonder where
they get these bizarre ideas.
105
00:13:20,959 --> 00:13:25,379
My Barry's not allowed
bizarre ideas.
106
00:13:25,379 --> 00:13:29,919
No shortage of people
round here with barmy ideas!
107
00:13:29,919 --> 00:13:32,839
I blame tight underwear.
108
00:13:32,839 --> 00:13:37,339
Noticed how weird the world's gone
since they invented jockey shorts?
109
00:13:37,339 --> 00:13:40,279
Harold doesn't wear jockey shorts.
110
00:13:40,279 --> 00:13:43,359
I should hope he doesn't,
at his age.
111
00:13:45,799 --> 00:13:51,799
Don't tell me the world's
improved since they invented jockey shorts.
112
00:13:51,799 --> 00:13:54,819
Probably all right
where they belong.
113
00:13:54,819 --> 00:13:57,359
On jockeys.
114
00:13:57,359 --> 00:14:02,499
I can say this about my Wesley.
He usually dresses casually.
115
00:14:02,499 --> 00:14:09,679
And apart from his fascination with
things mechanical, I can usually trust him to behave sensibly.
116
00:14:18,119 --> 00:14:20,259
CRASH!
117
00:14:37,939 --> 00:14:42,779
You know, I think he's an idiot.
Oh, I should say definitely.
118
00:14:42,779 --> 00:14:46,359
He's an idiot!
119
00:14:46,359 --> 00:14:50,339
Not just him.
There's an entire club.
120
00:14:50,339 --> 00:14:55,379
But...suppose they could be right?
121
00:14:55,379 --> 00:14:58,479
Give over, Foggy,
tha's as daft as he is.
122
00:14:58,479 --> 00:15:04,539
They're not the only people
who believe this stuff, you know. It's world-wide.
123
00:15:04,539 --> 00:15:07,459
There must be something in it.
124
00:15:07,459 --> 00:15:14,519
I was just thinking what
a prestigious event it would be if we happened to witness it.
125
00:15:14,519 --> 00:15:20,839
A historical moment!
Plus, there'd be a few bob to be made, selling the story.
126
00:15:28,859 --> 00:15:33,859
When you say, "According
to our club's calculations",
127
00:15:33,859 --> 00:15:39,719
who actually is doing
the calculations? Darren.
128
00:15:39,719 --> 00:15:46,819
Just Darren? The whole weight
of inter-galactic travel is hanging on Darren?
129
00:15:48,199 --> 00:15:50,039
He's got a computer.
130
00:15:50,039 --> 00:15:53,619
Oh-h!
131
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:56,519
Is it any good
for forecasting the gee-gees?
132
00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:06,759
Which direction
are you expecting them from? Probably...probably that one.
133
00:16:07,666 --> 00:16:10,686
I'm all right, just a bit shaken.
134
00:16:10,686 --> 00:16:14,666
Whatever were you doing on
Norman Clegg's weird bicycle?
135
00:16:14,666 --> 00:16:17,706
About 90 miles an hour, I expect.
136
00:16:17,706 --> 00:16:20,486
At least he wasn't wearing it
round his collar.
137
00:16:23,946 --> 00:16:26,026
Wait!
138
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:27,686
Just a minute.
139
00:16:33,806 --> 00:16:41,146
It's a good job he landed
on something soft, although Mrs Hemingway didn't think so.
140
00:16:41,146 --> 00:16:45,526
I do wish your father
hadn't fallen on Mrs Hemingway!
141
00:16:45,526 --> 00:16:50,486
Of all the women in the street,
he had to fall on Mrs Hemingway!
142
00:16:50,486 --> 00:16:54,726
Mother, she wasn't hurt.
And it saved me father.
143
00:16:54,726 --> 00:16:59,906
I don't want him
saved by Mrs Hemingway. She'll spread it all over.
144
00:16:59,906 --> 00:17:04,906
Looked to me like it was
Mrs Hemingway being spread all over!
145
00:17:04,906 --> 00:17:07,606
She's got the figure for it.
146
00:17:09,066 --> 00:17:14,406
Fan him with his cap.
I always fanned mine with his cap.
147
00:17:16,606 --> 00:17:18,126
Does he know where he is?
148
00:17:18,126 --> 00:17:24,166
The front lounge. By, it must be
years since I've relaxed in here,
149
00:17:24,166 --> 00:17:26,346
and never in me overalls!
150
00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:29,526
And don't start thinking
you can make a habit of it.
151
00:17:38,126 --> 00:17:44,606
But if they do come,
this is an important occasion. Where's the reception committee?
152
00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:49,626
What d'you think I am? Just you?
Well, I am Club Secretary.
153
00:17:49,626 --> 00:17:54,906
Dammit, man, couldn't you have made
a bit more ceremony than this?
154
00:17:54,906 --> 00:17:59,846
I asked Darren, but his missus wants
to go shopping. Just a minute.
155
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:06,566
If this mob come from Lord know's
where, they could land anywhere. Why so sure they'll land here?
156
00:18:06,566 --> 00:18:10,526
Darren's worked it out.
On his computer.
157
00:18:10,526 --> 00:18:15,426
He's told them to turn left
at Huddersfield(!)
158
00:18:15,426 --> 00:18:20,506
We're not a bunch of wallies. This
is all worked out scientifically.
159
00:18:20,506 --> 00:18:25,026
Well, it's not very military,
I can tell you that.
160
00:18:25,026 --> 00:18:32,126
If I'd been organising this, you'd
have had a band, a guard of honour. Lucky I came along.
161
00:18:32,126 --> 00:18:37,706
If they do land, I can get my chaps
here into a small guard of honour.
162
00:18:37,706 --> 00:18:40,486
Pity about the band, but still...
163
00:18:41,666 --> 00:18:48,966
Just a minute, Genius,
just a minute. How can tha be so sure they'll land just here?
164
00:18:48,966 --> 00:18:55,486
We don't leave these things
to chance. We're using this, a powerful homing device.
165
00:18:55,486 --> 00:19:00,266
That's a powerful homing device?
It's a bleeper.
166
00:19:00,266 --> 00:19:05,306
It WAS a bleeper. It looks like
a bleeper. But it's highly modified.
167
00:19:05,306 --> 00:19:11,866
It's now a homing device,
sending signals to the farthest corners of the universe.
168
00:19:11,866 --> 00:19:18,726
What's it run on? Two little
batteries. To the farthest corners of the universe?!
169
00:19:18,726 --> 00:19:21,666
It has been prepared professionally.
170
00:19:21,666 --> 00:19:27,206
Mostyn did it. Mostyn works for BT.
Mostyn's a genius with electronics.
171
00:19:27,206 --> 00:19:32,906
BOTH: "Mostyn's a ge-nius
with electronics"(!)
172
00:19:40,206 --> 00:19:44,266
I think we've cracked it
this time.
173
00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:51,146
If anybody sees us, they'll think
we're two amateur botanists looking for the lesser stitchwort.
174
00:19:51,146 --> 00:19:57,766
And if anybody gets close,
all we have to do is start peering through the lens.
175
00:19:57,766 --> 00:20:02,266
They can't tell who it is
once we're behind the lens.
176
00:20:02,266 --> 00:20:06,166
What are we supposed to be
looking for, Howard?
177
00:20:06,166 --> 00:20:08,486
The lesser stitchwort.
178
00:20:10,326 --> 00:20:14,406
Are you sure a girl's going
to like it if she finds it?
179
00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:23,586
No, no, no! Stand up straight,
shoulders back, shoulders back!
180
00:20:25,246 --> 00:20:30,146
Now, supposing this spacecraft
should land, don't gawp like yokels.
181
00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:37,166
You will remain
rigidly at attention. First impressions are important.
182
00:20:37,166 --> 00:20:43,426
I don't want
these extra-territorials thinking what a sloppy mob we are down here.
183
00:20:43,426 --> 00:20:51,066
Nobody's going to come!
Stand properly. There is always the possibility. One has to be prepared.
184
00:20:51,066 --> 00:20:57,666
Come on, Foggy.
He's the only one from Outer Space. No, there's Darren and Mostyn.
185
00:20:57,666 --> 00:21:03,086
I'm going for a jar in the pub.
You have not been dismissed.
186
00:21:03,086 --> 00:21:09,406
And what are we going to do
about him? Bring him too. He looks ready for a bar meal.
187
00:21:09,406 --> 00:21:15,326
He can't walk away from his duty
like that. Are they good bar meals? Yes. Not bad.
188
00:21:15,326 --> 00:21:24,826
I could murder a bar meal! What
about your visitors? If they come, Mostyn's arranged for a signal.
189
00:21:24,826 --> 00:21:28,686
BOTH:
Mostyn's a ge-nius with electronics!
190
00:21:38,646 --> 00:21:41,506
LOUD LAUGHTER
191
00:21:41,506 --> 00:21:43,746
Visitors from Outer Space?
192
00:21:45,366 --> 00:21:50,406
That's what we get all the time,
dozy prollocks taking the wee-wee.
193
00:21:50,406 --> 00:21:53,826
How d'you know they're coming today?
194
00:21:53,826 --> 00:21:58,646
Ah! Because Darren has worked it
out on his computer!
195
00:21:58,646 --> 00:22:01,326
LAUGHTER
196
00:22:01,326 --> 00:22:09,066
You'll laugh on the other side
of your face when the bleeper goes. This is his Early Warning System.
197
00:22:09,066 --> 00:22:12,046
LAUGHTER
198
00:22:12,046 --> 00:22:18,566
No, I think you should send
a photographer and a reporter, just in case.
199
00:22:18,566 --> 00:22:26,946
It's not just some local wally,
it's the Secretary of the Heckmondwike Extra-Terrestrial Club.
200
00:22:37,166 --> 00:22:38,906
They have landed!
201
00:22:40,546 --> 00:22:45,786
What's up? Flying saucers are landed.
Mrs Norbury heard it from t'paper.
202
00:22:47,306 --> 00:22:50,146
Flying saucers have landed?!
203
00:23:01,946 --> 00:23:08,646
I like it when it gets dark early. I
think basically I'm a night creature.
204
00:23:08,646 --> 00:23:11,426
I thought you had to be
in by tea-time.
205
00:23:11,426 --> 00:23:15,146
Not tonight. Pearl's visiting.
206
00:23:15,146 --> 00:23:18,346
Oh, Howard...!
207
00:23:18,346 --> 00:23:21,166
Oh, Marina...!
208
00:23:21,166 --> 00:23:23,126
CLANG!
209
00:23:23,126 --> 00:23:26,306
I think I'll move me lens.
210
00:23:26,306 --> 00:23:34,246
I love you when you confide in me.
But how are we meant to be looking for flowers in the dark?
211
00:23:39,406 --> 00:23:42,346
You are a genius, Howard!
212
00:23:43,886 --> 00:23:45,766
Close your eyes.
213
00:23:54,466 --> 00:23:59,006
Before we start,
I've got a present for you.
214
00:23:59,006 --> 00:24:04,006
Something that will always
keep us closer together.
215
00:24:04,006 --> 00:24:05,786
Oh, Howard!
216
00:24:08,546 --> 00:24:10,006
What is it?
217
00:24:10,006 --> 00:24:14,806
It's a bleeper.
It'll find me wherever I am.
218
00:24:14,806 --> 00:24:18,826
When can I use it?
At any time, love.
219
00:24:18,826 --> 00:24:21,706
Except Monday to Friday.
220
00:24:21,706 --> 00:24:26,526
And the hours of darkness, Saturday
and Sunday, are not advisable.
221
00:24:26,526 --> 00:24:31,046
Except possibly around 3.30,
when she's having her nap.
222
00:24:34,506 --> 00:24:36,506
CONTINUOUS BLEEPING
223
00:24:39,006 --> 00:24:44,506
Oh, Howard!
I can hear you bleeping, Howard!
224
00:24:44,506 --> 00:24:46,506
BLEEPING
225
00:24:49,826 --> 00:24:52,726
Darren's never wrong on the computer.
226
00:24:52,726 --> 00:24:57,146
Hey! Flying saucers
have landed up on t'moor! People are streaming up there.
227
00:25:29,406 --> 00:25:33,766
Turn your lights off,
turn them off!
228
00:25:33,766 --> 00:25:36,386
Turn your lights off!
229
00:25:55,286 --> 00:26:00,546
Life on distant planets? What
we want is some life round 'ere!
230
00:26:00,546 --> 00:26:04,666
(SLURRED:) We have a Quiz Night
on Thursday.
231
00:26:33,706 --> 00:26:37,026
Oh, yes? Aliens, is it(?)
232
00:26:42,286 --> 00:26:49,386
On behalf of Heckmondwike
Extra-Terrestrial Club, I bring thee greetings from Earth.
233
00:26:49,386 --> 00:26:52,626
Bug off, you dozy prawn!
234
00:27:08,966 --> 00:27:16,646
It were that damn phone call
to the newspapers. All I did was warn them to stand by.
235
00:27:16,646 --> 00:27:19,906
How long do we push this thing?
236
00:27:19,906 --> 00:27:24,346
Keep it steady. Keep what steady?
237
00:27:24,346 --> 00:27:28,486
Whatever tha does,
don't go over any bumps.
238
00:28:04,266 --> 00:28:09,926
Me brakes have gone! HE-ELP!
What? His brakes. Brakes!
239
00:28:16,166 --> 00:28:17,546
CRASHING
240
00:28:32,206 --> 00:28:33,906
Welcome to Earth!
241
00:28:41,346 --> 00:28:44,666
Makes you wonder
what sort of planet they come from.
242
00:28:45,706 --> 00:28:48,686
Subtitles by BBC
243
00:28:48,736 --> 00:28:53,286
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