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1
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:38,060
Come out!
2
00:00:38,060 --> 00:00:44,920
Come out! Come out, you...!
Come out!
3
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:48,640
Who's that you're talking to?
4
00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:55,980
Me old bike.
I wonder if folk realise I live beside a chap who talks to bicycles!
5
00:00:55,980 --> 00:01:01,000
It got stuck in the doorway.
You're never going to ride that!?
6
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:04,440
I thought I'd give her an airing.
7
00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:11,020
WHEELS SQUEAK
Just needs a drop of oil. I'll get Wesley to look her over.
8
00:01:11,020 --> 00:01:16,480
Oil? She wants a decent burial !
But the bell still works.
9
00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:24,680
It's all that does around here (!)
Give over! I'm in very good condition for a man of my age!
10
00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:27,760
You've NEVER been in good condition.
11
00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:33,380
It's not worth worrying about now.
Give us a kiss! Oh, keep away!
12
00:01:33,380 --> 00:01:40,300
Tha don't know
what tha's missing, missus! Tha' doesn't know!
13
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,680
HAMMERING
14
00:01:55,300 --> 00:01:58,400
Oh, Wesley, Wesley, Wesley...
15
00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:05,420
Don't you think
you're becoming a bit obsessive about the motor vehicle?
16
00:02:05,420 --> 00:02:11,040
Are you sure you're not neglecting
the rest of your life?
17
00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:18,060
I'm the last one to interfere,
but are you sure you're being fair to the little woman?
18
00:02:18,060 --> 00:02:22,900
Wouldn't she like to see you
OUT of your overalls?
19
00:02:22,900 --> 00:02:28,320
No, don't move and don't argue.
You just listen to me.
20
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:31,540
I'm giving this advice as a friend.
21
00:02:31,540 --> 00:02:36,600
To the military mind, it is
elementary tactics - surprise.
22
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:43,980
The art of warfare and the art
of the happy relationship. Surprise her occasionally.
23
00:02:43,980 --> 00:02:52,140
Don't say anything. I just want you
to think about this. Buy her a few flowers, take her out somewhere.
24
00:02:52,140 --> 00:02:57,420
I know you're thinking, "He's not
married. What does HE know?"
25
00:02:57,420 --> 00:03:02,180
Well, it's often the outsider
who sees best.
26
00:03:02,180 --> 00:03:07,800
I think you're putting a strain
on your marriage. HORN BEEPS
27
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,980
How do, Foggy? Oh, hello, Wesley.
28
00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:27,500
HIGH VOICE:
Good morning! Chilly for the time of year.
29
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:33,360
KNOCK AT DOOR
30
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:53,020
Good morning, Howard.
She's left me, Cleggy. Walked out.
31
00:03:53,020 --> 00:03:55,880
Gone.
32
00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:59,220
Well, isn't it marvellous?
33
00:03:59,220 --> 00:04:04,980
When you had her, you took her for
granted. Now you go all to pieces.
34
00:04:04,980 --> 00:04:09,600
I bet you never thought
you'd miss Pearl like this.
35
00:04:10,860 --> 00:04:15,880
Pearl!? I'm not talking about Pearl.
It's Marina!
36
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:24,360
Oh! I thought it was funny.
I thought Pearl wouldn't leave you. She's got staying power, Pearl.
37
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:28,160
You're telling me (!)
38
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:31,300
Well, why has Marina left you?
39
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:34,700
The usual. Another man.
40
00:04:34,700 --> 00:04:39,760
Some smooth-talking, glib,
TALLER person.
41
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:44,760
Smiler!
She's become involved with Smiler!
42
00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:48,600
Smiler - a smooth talker!?
43
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:52,440
Smiler makes tortoises look lively!
44
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:57,000
After all the risks I've taken
for that woman!
45
00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,780
Smiler! Why Smiler?
46
00:05:00,780 --> 00:05:06,500
Well, because he's tall
and unattached. Well, you're...
47
00:05:06,500 --> 00:05:13,160
All right. But he's so miserable!
I told her that. What did she say?
48
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,320
She said, "At least HE'S tall."
49
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,760
I'm small...and miserable.
50
00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:25,940
But that's great, Howard.
51
00:05:25,940 --> 00:05:30,880
It means that your life
is finally free and uncomplicated.
52
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,120
Right.
53
00:05:40,900 --> 00:05:44,520
DISTANT SQUEAKING
54
00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:55,820
No brakes! NO BRAKES !
55
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:09,320
AAAAH ! AAAAH !
56
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:12,840
Don't worry! I'm coming!
57
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:16,660
I'll give you a hand! Don't worry!
58
00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:22,020
Everything's all right. I just want
to check if there's any bones broken.
59
00:06:22,020 --> 00:06:25,920
Don't move! It's all right.
60
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:29,200
Thanks for the tea. Any time.
61
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:33,900
Well, I better go back
to holy matrimony.
62
00:06:33,900 --> 00:06:40,340
KNOCK AT DOOR
If that's Pearl, tell her I'm innocent of all outside affiliations.
63
00:06:40,340 --> 00:06:45,400
Why don't YOU tell her?
She thinks I have a tendency to lie.
64
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:50,480
Yes, but you see, Howard, that's
because you have a tendency to lie.
65
00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:53,460
MORE KNOCKING
66
00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:00,160
Oh, dear. What's happened?
67
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:03,160
Hey, he broke me fall.
68
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:07,920
All these years I've been thinking
what a twit he is
69
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:13,160
and suddenly it turns out he was
born for breaking people's falls!
70
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:16,200
The damn fool had no brakes!
71
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,080
Oh, well, nobody's perfect.
72
00:07:21,780 --> 00:07:28,080
'Ere, that small chest of drawers
to this address. Customer's waiting.
73
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:33,260
Do I have to go just now?
Can't I wait till it's dark?
74
00:07:33,260 --> 00:07:37,800
Customer's waiting.
Money in her handbag.
75
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:40,940
Once it's delivered, it's MY money.
76
00:07:40,940 --> 00:07:46,020
What are you doing standing there
when MY money's in HER handbag?
77
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:53,240
Couldn't I look after the shop?
78
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:58,640
Oh, the man's gone totally
uneconomic! What's wrong with you?
79
00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:02,120
I'm being pursued by a funny female.
80
00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:04,940
Huh! She'd have to be!
81
00:08:04,940 --> 00:08:09,100
She is.
What's she pursuing you for?
82
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:14,560
She's attracted to me.
83
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:21,740
Well, listen...if you make a go
of it, you know where to come for all your furniture.
84
00:08:21,740 --> 00:08:30,160
I could do you a special price.
I'm not going to make a go of it! Why would I want to do that!?
85
00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:35,180
Don't go to pieces! I can't stand
watching people go to pieces.
86
00:08:35,180 --> 00:08:40,160
I see too much of it when
they're asking for their money back!
87
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:45,300
How come she's attracted to you?
88
00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:51,700
Em...I think it's
because I'm tall and unattached.
89
00:08:51,700 --> 00:08:54,720
So's a derelict brick chimney (!)
90
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,900
Eh?
91
00:09:07,013 --> 00:09:09,933
Look at it - it's lethal !
92
00:09:09,933 --> 00:09:17,593
It's been a good machine, has this.
For riding on carpets. It's an indoors bicycle.
93
00:09:17,593 --> 00:09:25,853
Forget your carpet. This hasn't had
a drop of oil near it for yonks. Tha should hear her squeak!
94
00:09:25,853 --> 00:09:30,873
More like a shriek!
That was you!
95
00:09:30,873 --> 00:09:40,273
I could have been seriously injured.
It's a damn good job I know how to fall from my parachute training.
96
00:09:40,273 --> 00:09:43,473
'Ey up, he's off again (!)
97
00:09:43,473 --> 00:09:46,873
Why this sudden urge to bicycle?
98
00:09:46,873 --> 00:09:54,033
I don't know. I woke up
and said to myself, "Why not go for a ride on the bike?"
99
00:09:54,033 --> 00:09:56,953
Never listen to an idiot (!)
100
00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:06,633
Well, it's all go this morning.
I've had to comfort Howard and now I've bikes all over my room!
101
00:10:06,633 --> 00:10:10,073
I've nearly got it straight. Mmm.
102
00:10:10,073 --> 00:10:16,513
Perhaps some good will come
out of this. Not for my carpet!
103
00:10:16,513 --> 00:10:23,793
No, for general bicycle safety.
Perhaps it was destiny that ran me over this morning.
104
00:10:23,793 --> 00:10:28,453
Destiny in the shape
of a scruffy little urchin.
105
00:10:28,453 --> 00:10:31,933
Sounds like me. Modest as ever.
106
00:10:33,353 --> 00:10:36,153
Yes, destiny...
107
00:10:36,153 --> 00:10:44,993
giving me a nudge to turn
a fertile brain to the subject of general bicycle safety.
108
00:11:13,753 --> 00:11:17,693
Hello, love.
109
00:11:17,693 --> 00:11:22,693
Don't give me, "Hello, love"!
What are you doing like that?
110
00:11:22,693 --> 00:11:25,433
Like what, love?
111
00:11:25,433 --> 00:11:32,833
Pressed against the wall.
Oh, that! Just leaning against the wall.
112
00:11:32,833 --> 00:11:37,853
It's our wall. I just thought
I'd have a lean against it.
113
00:11:37,853 --> 00:11:42,593
Are you not well?
I'm fine...physically.
114
00:11:45,253 --> 00:11:52,473
You're acting funny.
I can't understand why you think I'm acting funny.
115
00:12:03,933 --> 00:12:11,273
Foam rubber? How much foam rubber?
We'll have to find out by experimentation, won't we?
116
00:12:11,273 --> 00:12:18,233
What's it for? Bicycle safety.
To protect the rider in case of accident.
117
00:12:18,233 --> 00:12:23,313
I got the idea this morning while
lying under a flying cyclist (!)
118
00:12:23,313 --> 00:12:26,273
You were better than a mattress.
119
00:12:26,273 --> 00:12:32,413
There you have it! We need enough
foam rubber to act like a mattress.
120
00:12:32,413 --> 00:12:36,093
You've heard of thermal underwear.
121
00:12:36,093 --> 00:12:43,393
Well,
you're looking at the inventor of the first bicycle safety underwear.
122
00:12:53,153 --> 00:12:56,193
That's not a good idea.
123
00:12:56,193 --> 00:13:01,233
Why NOT have a picnic?
Creepy-crawlies!
124
00:13:01,233 --> 00:13:06,233
I was thinking of potted meat
or maybe a tuna sandwich.
125
00:13:06,233 --> 00:13:12,313
At the sight of a sandwich, you get
every creepy-crawly for miles!
126
00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:17,433
It's such a lovely day.
It's a shame to be stuck indoors.
127
00:13:17,433 --> 00:13:23,973
What do you sit on?
In my experience, grass is uncomfortable.
128
00:13:23,973 --> 00:13:28,913
Well, I don't agree.
You better agree, young lady!
129
00:13:28,913 --> 00:13:34,593
You weren't brought up
to find grass comfortable! Mother!
130
00:13:34,593 --> 00:13:39,193
Even when you were much younger,
grass was uncomfortable.
131
00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:45,753
When were you on the grass
when you were young? Never you mind!
132
00:13:45,753 --> 00:13:50,333
Didn't her from Arnold Street
nearly die at a picnic?
133
00:13:50,333 --> 00:13:54,833
Yes, testing Mrs William's
home-made ice-cream.
134
00:13:56,293 --> 00:13:59,953
What was wrong with the ice-cream?
135
00:13:59,953 --> 00:14:03,813
It was round Mr William's chin!
136
00:14:03,813 --> 00:14:08,893
I'm only talking about
a simple picnic in the fresh air,
137
00:14:08,893 --> 00:14:13,893
not wading through
alligator-infested swamps!
138
00:14:13,893 --> 00:14:20,173
If we're careful, we should
find a place without alligators.
139
00:14:20,173 --> 00:14:25,093
I don't care where you go,
something will bite you
140
00:14:25,093 --> 00:14:29,313
and it will feel
like an alligator!
141
00:14:35,353 --> 00:14:40,673
Come along. Your bicycle's waiting.
I'm coming! I'm coming!
142
00:14:40,673 --> 00:14:46,653
If ever a bicycle needed a bit of
bicycle safety, that's the one!
143
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:52,513
You must admit that it suits him.
It sort of matches his ensemble.
144
00:14:52,513 --> 00:14:57,853
Will you get a move on?
We're waiting here. Hold tha water!
145
00:14:57,853 --> 00:15:01,033
Hold tha water!
146
00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:08,433
It's not easy trying to walk
with foam rubber. I bet a lot of people don't know that.
147
00:15:08,433 --> 00:15:15,853
You'll be glad of it when you have
your accident. What accident? Yours. How else can we test it?
148
00:15:15,853 --> 00:15:19,173
Will you come back, that man?
149
00:15:19,173 --> 00:15:24,273
Hold that, will you?
I knew he'd get me involved!
150
00:15:24,273 --> 00:15:27,293
Now I'm an accessory!
151
00:15:35,173 --> 00:15:39,973
Good morning, Mr Bristow.
Lovely day for gents' wear.
152
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:46,273
Anything you're needing?
The offer IS tempting!
153
00:16:01,553 --> 00:16:04,433
DOG GROWLS
154
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:10,633
VICIOUS SNARLING
155
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:23,553
Right, come on.
156
00:16:24,613 --> 00:16:27,633
Well, swing your leg over, man.
157
00:16:27,633 --> 00:16:34,253
Swing? Swing! Dressed like this!?
You look terrific dressed like this.
158
00:16:34,253 --> 00:16:37,673
A medieval Japanese warrior!
159
00:16:37,673 --> 00:16:41,253
Bet they didn't have to ride bikes!
160
00:16:41,253 --> 00:16:49,133
I know where the fault is. The foam
rubber is in the way of your knees. I know where the fault is - you!
161
00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:52,893
Lift it higher! I can't see!
162
00:16:52,893 --> 00:16:57,453
Stop complaining!
If it's not one thing, it's another.
163
00:16:57,453 --> 00:17:00,333
Right. Now swing your leg over.
164
00:17:07,953 --> 00:17:12,913
How can I test the stuff
when I can't even get on the bike!?
165
00:17:22,353 --> 00:17:24,933
Aaaaah!
166
00:17:24,933 --> 00:17:30,093
Right.
Now, on my word of command...
167
00:17:30,093 --> 00:17:33,633
One, two, three!
168
00:17:33,633 --> 00:17:36,253
AAAAH !
169
00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:45,533
There you are - no pain at all.
Works a treat.
170
00:17:53,833 --> 00:17:59,433
Fell on his back. I think
we forgot to cater for his back.
171
00:17:59,433 --> 00:18:04,973
Well, you live and learn. That's
the whole point of these trials.
172
00:18:04,973 --> 00:18:10,073
Now we know
he needs all-round protection.
173
00:18:13,633 --> 00:18:16,593
Aaaw! Oh, shut up! Come on.
174
00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:27,233
Oo-oh! Ooh! Yes, that's it.
You're getting the hang of it now. Well done! Very good.
175
00:18:27,233 --> 00:18:30,353
Ooo-oh!
176
00:18:32,913 --> 00:18:38,833
How the hell am I supposed
to ride a bike dressed like this?
177
00:18:38,833 --> 00:18:45,893
Think positive, man!
He's POSITIVE he'll never be able to ride a bike dressed like that!
178
00:18:45,893 --> 00:18:52,813
Very well, then.
We'll test it again, without the bicycle.
179
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,033
Aaaah! Aaaaah!
180
00:18:59,813 --> 00:19:03,873
Right, after three.
One, two, three!
181
00:19:30,653 --> 00:19:34,813
What the devil
are you doing now?
182
00:19:34,813 --> 00:19:42,313
Just hanging here
to get longer...stronger! It's just a few exercises.
183
00:19:42,313 --> 00:19:47,593
What are you doing exercising
at your time of life?
184
00:19:47,593 --> 00:19:52,933
Well, you never know
when it might come in handy.
185
00:19:52,933 --> 00:19:58,373
I think if we were attacked
then I could defend you.
186
00:20:01,773 --> 00:20:06,713
I think it's time you started
taking the pills again, Howard.
187
00:20:06,713 --> 00:20:09,913
THUD !
188
00:20:28,933 --> 00:20:35,293
Oh, Mother! You can't
change gear with the handbrake!
189
00:20:35,293 --> 00:20:40,353
Since when is this the handbrake?
It didn't used to be!
190
00:20:43,973 --> 00:20:49,233
You see, it's your father.
He will keep changing things!
191
00:20:49,233 --> 00:20:52,653
Why not picnic here?
192
00:20:52,653 --> 00:20:57,913
Why just here?
Here. Not a yard further.
193
00:20:57,913 --> 00:21:01,553
Good idea! We like it here!
194
00:21:05,893 --> 00:21:10,373
What are you hesitating for?
Now what?
195
00:21:10,373 --> 00:21:16,013
You didn't like the foam rubber,
we got rid of it. So what's up?
196
00:21:16,013 --> 00:21:23,353
Apart from me shed?
Look, don't worry about your shed. We'll help you with your shed.
197
00:21:23,353 --> 00:21:30,833
Will it hurt? Of course not.
You just press the button and the airbag inflates. I don't know.
198
00:21:30,833 --> 00:21:35,913
I wish we could have tested it.
This IS the test, man!
199
00:21:35,913 --> 00:21:44,273
Will he explode? I'd hate it
if he did. He will NOT explode! Can I have that in writing?
200
00:21:44,273 --> 00:21:49,153
I don't know if we've used
enough compressed air.
201
00:21:49,153 --> 00:21:54,233
There's only one way to find out.
Press your button! Pardon?
202
00:21:54,233 --> 00:21:57,293
Get on with it. Don't take all day.
203
00:21:57,293 --> 00:22:03,173
Look! He thinks I'm going to
explode. It's nothing personal.
204
00:22:03,173 --> 00:22:08,153
Oh, get a move on, man.
You're not going to explode.
205
00:22:08,153 --> 00:22:13,033
What are you doing?
Someone's got to press the button.
206
00:22:15,333 --> 00:22:20,093
RUSH OF AIR
207
00:22:25,293 --> 00:22:28,553
FARTING NOISE
208
00:22:30,733 --> 00:22:35,973
Yes, well,
he's got a few leaks, you see.
209
00:22:35,973 --> 00:22:41,033
Once we've got them plugged up,
we have cracked it!
210
00:22:41,033 --> 00:22:45,553
LOUD FARTING SOUND
Pardon.
211
00:22:49,673 --> 00:22:52,753
It's a tuna sandwich.
212
00:22:52,753 --> 00:22:59,113
It's not tuna I'm looking for.
It's creepy-crawlies!
213
00:22:59,113 --> 00:23:04,573
Oh, this grass is hard!
I told you grass is hard!
214
00:23:07,773 --> 00:23:11,053
We're going to enjoy this (!)
215
00:23:11,053 --> 00:23:16,313
Don't you start arguing
until you can find a handbrake!
216
00:23:17,893 --> 00:23:22,533
Oh, I can't say
I'm built for outdoors.
217
00:23:22,533 --> 00:23:28,253
I caught my Howard dangling
from the banister this morning.
218
00:23:30,233 --> 00:23:33,313
Whatever was he doing?
219
00:23:33,313 --> 00:23:35,973
Exercising, he said.
220
00:23:35,973 --> 00:23:40,893
It must look very untidy,
dangling from the banister.
221
00:23:40,893 --> 00:23:44,113
It does.
222
00:24:10,273 --> 00:24:15,313
You must stop pursuing me.
My heart belongs to another.
223
00:24:18,993 --> 00:24:23,433
It's a great responsibility
having such power.
224
00:24:25,233 --> 00:24:28,153
That's a steep hill !
225
00:24:28,153 --> 00:24:35,753
It's not steep!
I've got no brakes! You don't need brakes to crash.
226
00:24:35,753 --> 00:24:40,573
Lucky you!
I'd sooner have brakes.
227
00:24:40,573 --> 00:24:48,553
You won't hurt yourself.
Aim for the haystack. When you hit it, you'll be fully-inflated.
228
00:24:48,553 --> 00:24:56,733
I bet you've always wanted
to be fully-inflated. BLOWS RASPBERRY
229
00:24:56,733 --> 00:25:03,713
You're doing this
for bicycle safety. I'm doing this because I'm crackers!
230
00:25:03,713 --> 00:25:06,633
That sounds more plausible to me.
231
00:25:10,033 --> 00:25:13,153
Right, are you ready? No!
232
00:25:13,153 --> 00:25:19,033
I'll take that as a cautious yes.
Right, off we go, then.
233
00:25:19,033 --> 00:25:22,913
Did you hear that? "Off WE go" (!)
234
00:25:22,913 --> 00:25:25,853
Get on with it!
235
00:25:35,993 --> 00:25:42,713
AAAAH !
He can't even hit a haystack! Where does he think he's going?
236
00:25:42,713 --> 00:25:46,553
AAAAAAAAH !
237
00:25:46,553 --> 00:25:52,713
There's one!
One what? A creepy-crawly!
238
00:25:52,713 --> 00:25:58,233
Well, there's bound to be one.
You can't expect not to see one.
239
00:25:59,313 --> 00:26:02,653
Make that two! AAAAAH !
240
00:26:02,653 --> 00:26:05,673
AAAAAH !
241
00:26:05,673 --> 00:26:11,853
Where is he going?
It's more than creepy-crawlies!
242
00:26:11,853 --> 00:26:16,813
Just what I've always wanted -
someone to ride over me sandwich (!)
243
00:26:20,313 --> 00:26:23,633
Oh, look what he's done!
244
00:26:25,353 --> 00:26:31,533
Are you all right?
She cares! She cares!
245
00:26:32,973 --> 00:26:38,353
She cares! She cares!
Calm yourself!
246
00:26:38,353 --> 00:26:42,533
I don't care as much as all that!
Ee, lass!
247
00:26:47,973 --> 00:26:55,273
Why didn't you press the button?
I DID press the button! It didn't work!
248
00:27:00,093 --> 00:27:05,513
Get him off! He's squeaking at me!
Get him off!
249
00:27:08,593 --> 00:27:11,173
Get him off!
250
00:27:28,713 --> 00:27:31,453
LOUD POP
251
00:28:19,933 --> 00:28:25,033
Subtitles by Greig Forbes
BBC Broadcast 1993
252
00:28:25,083 --> 00:28:29,633
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
21812
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