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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:38,060 Come out! 2 00:00:38,060 --> 00:00:44,920 Come out! Come out, you...! Come out! 3 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:48,640 Who's that you're talking to? 4 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:55,980 Me old bike. I wonder if folk realise I live beside a chap who talks to bicycles! 5 00:00:55,980 --> 00:01:01,000 It got stuck in the doorway. You're never going to ride that!? 6 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:04,440 I thought I'd give her an airing. 7 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:11,020 WHEELS SQUEAK Just needs a drop of oil. I'll get Wesley to look her over. 8 00:01:11,020 --> 00:01:16,480 Oil? She wants a decent burial ! But the bell still works. 9 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:24,680 It's all that does around here (!) Give over! I'm in very good condition for a man of my age! 10 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:27,760 You've NEVER been in good condition. 11 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:33,380 It's not worth worrying about now. Give us a kiss! Oh, keep away! 12 00:01:33,380 --> 00:01:40,300 Tha don't know what tha's missing, missus! Tha' doesn't know! 13 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,680 HAMMERING 14 00:01:55,300 --> 00:01:58,400 Oh, Wesley, Wesley, Wesley... 15 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:05,420 Don't you think you're becoming a bit obsessive about the motor vehicle? 16 00:02:05,420 --> 00:02:11,040 Are you sure you're not neglecting the rest of your life? 17 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:18,060 I'm the last one to interfere, but are you sure you're being fair to the little woman? 18 00:02:18,060 --> 00:02:22,900 Wouldn't she like to see you OUT of your overalls? 19 00:02:22,900 --> 00:02:28,320 No, don't move and don't argue. You just listen to me. 20 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:31,540 I'm giving this advice as a friend. 21 00:02:31,540 --> 00:02:36,600 To the military mind, it is elementary tactics - surprise. 22 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:43,980 The art of warfare and the art of the happy relationship. Surprise her occasionally. 23 00:02:43,980 --> 00:02:52,140 Don't say anything. I just want you to think about this. Buy her a few flowers, take her out somewhere. 24 00:02:52,140 --> 00:02:57,420 I know you're thinking, "He's not married. What does HE know?" 25 00:02:57,420 --> 00:03:02,180 Well, it's often the outsider who sees best. 26 00:03:02,180 --> 00:03:07,800 I think you're putting a strain on your marriage. HORN BEEPS 27 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,980 How do, Foggy? Oh, hello, Wesley. 28 00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:27,500 HIGH VOICE: Good morning! Chilly for the time of year. 29 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:33,360 KNOCK AT DOOR 30 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:53,020 Good morning, Howard. She's left me, Cleggy. Walked out. 31 00:03:53,020 --> 00:03:55,880 Gone. 32 00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:59,220 Well, isn't it marvellous? 33 00:03:59,220 --> 00:04:04,980 When you had her, you took her for granted. Now you go all to pieces. 34 00:04:04,980 --> 00:04:09,600 I bet you never thought you'd miss Pearl like this. 35 00:04:10,860 --> 00:04:15,880 Pearl!? I'm not talking about Pearl. It's Marina! 36 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:24,360 Oh! I thought it was funny. I thought Pearl wouldn't leave you. She's got staying power, Pearl. 37 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:28,160 You're telling me (!) 38 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:31,300 Well, why has Marina left you? 39 00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:34,700 The usual. Another man. 40 00:04:34,700 --> 00:04:39,760 Some smooth-talking, glib, TALLER person. 41 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:44,760 Smiler! She's become involved with Smiler! 42 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:48,600 Smiler - a smooth talker!? 43 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:52,440 Smiler makes tortoises look lively! 44 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:57,000 After all the risks I've taken for that woman! 45 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,780 Smiler! Why Smiler? 46 00:05:00,780 --> 00:05:06,500 Well, because he's tall and unattached. Well, you're... 47 00:05:06,500 --> 00:05:13,160 All right. But he's so miserable! I told her that. What did she say? 48 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,320 She said, "At least HE'S tall." 49 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,760 I'm small...and miserable. 50 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:25,940 But that's great, Howard. 51 00:05:25,940 --> 00:05:30,880 It means that your life is finally free and uncomplicated. 52 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,120 Right. 53 00:05:40,900 --> 00:05:44,520 DISTANT SQUEAKING 54 00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:55,820 No brakes! NO BRAKES ! 55 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:09,320 AAAAH ! AAAAH ! 56 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:12,840 Don't worry! I'm coming! 57 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:16,660 I'll give you a hand! Don't worry! 58 00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:22,020 Everything's all right. I just want to check if there's any bones broken. 59 00:06:22,020 --> 00:06:25,920 Don't move! It's all right. 60 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:29,200 Thanks for the tea. Any time. 61 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:33,900 Well, I better go back to holy matrimony. 62 00:06:33,900 --> 00:06:40,340 KNOCK AT DOOR If that's Pearl, tell her I'm innocent of all outside affiliations. 63 00:06:40,340 --> 00:06:45,400 Why don't YOU tell her? She thinks I have a tendency to lie. 64 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:50,480 Yes, but you see, Howard, that's because you have a tendency to lie. 65 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:53,460 MORE KNOCKING 66 00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:00,160 Oh, dear. What's happened? 67 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:03,160 Hey, he broke me fall. 68 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:07,920 All these years I've been thinking what a twit he is 69 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:13,160 and suddenly it turns out he was born for breaking people's falls! 70 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:16,200 The damn fool had no brakes! 71 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,080 Oh, well, nobody's perfect. 72 00:07:21,780 --> 00:07:28,080 'Ere, that small chest of drawers to this address. Customer's waiting. 73 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:33,260 Do I have to go just now? Can't I wait till it's dark? 74 00:07:33,260 --> 00:07:37,800 Customer's waiting. Money in her handbag. 75 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:40,940 Once it's delivered, it's MY money. 76 00:07:40,940 --> 00:07:46,020 What are you doing standing there when MY money's in HER handbag? 77 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:53,240 Couldn't I look after the shop? 78 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:58,640 Oh, the man's gone totally uneconomic! What's wrong with you? 79 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:02,120 I'm being pursued by a funny female. 80 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:04,940 Huh! She'd have to be! 81 00:08:04,940 --> 00:08:09,100 She is. What's she pursuing you for? 82 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:14,560 She's attracted to me. 83 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:21,740 Well, listen...if you make a go of it, you know where to come for all your furniture. 84 00:08:21,740 --> 00:08:30,160 I could do you a special price. I'm not going to make a go of it! Why would I want to do that!? 85 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:35,180 Don't go to pieces! I can't stand watching people go to pieces. 86 00:08:35,180 --> 00:08:40,160 I see too much of it when they're asking for their money back! 87 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:45,300 How come she's attracted to you? 88 00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:51,700 Em...I think it's because I'm tall and unattached. 89 00:08:51,700 --> 00:08:54,720 So's a derelict brick chimney (!) 90 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,900 Eh? 91 00:09:07,013 --> 00:09:09,933 Look at it - it's lethal ! 92 00:09:09,933 --> 00:09:17,593 It's been a good machine, has this. For riding on carpets. It's an indoors bicycle. 93 00:09:17,593 --> 00:09:25,853 Forget your carpet. This hasn't had a drop of oil near it for yonks. Tha should hear her squeak! 94 00:09:25,853 --> 00:09:30,873 More like a shriek! That was you! 95 00:09:30,873 --> 00:09:40,273 I could have been seriously injured. It's a damn good job I know how to fall from my parachute training. 96 00:09:40,273 --> 00:09:43,473 'Ey up, he's off again (!) 97 00:09:43,473 --> 00:09:46,873 Why this sudden urge to bicycle? 98 00:09:46,873 --> 00:09:54,033 I don't know. I woke up and said to myself, "Why not go for a ride on the bike?" 99 00:09:54,033 --> 00:09:56,953 Never listen to an idiot (!) 100 00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:06,633 Well, it's all go this morning. I've had to comfort Howard and now I've bikes all over my room! 101 00:10:06,633 --> 00:10:10,073 I've nearly got it straight. Mmm. 102 00:10:10,073 --> 00:10:16,513 Perhaps some good will come out of this. Not for my carpet! 103 00:10:16,513 --> 00:10:23,793 No, for general bicycle safety. Perhaps it was destiny that ran me over this morning. 104 00:10:23,793 --> 00:10:28,453 Destiny in the shape of a scruffy little urchin. 105 00:10:28,453 --> 00:10:31,933 Sounds like me. Modest as ever. 106 00:10:33,353 --> 00:10:36,153 Yes, destiny... 107 00:10:36,153 --> 00:10:44,993 giving me a nudge to turn a fertile brain to the subject of general bicycle safety. 108 00:11:13,753 --> 00:11:17,693 Hello, love. 109 00:11:17,693 --> 00:11:22,693 Don't give me, "Hello, love"! What are you doing like that? 110 00:11:22,693 --> 00:11:25,433 Like what, love? 111 00:11:25,433 --> 00:11:32,833 Pressed against the wall. Oh, that! Just leaning against the wall. 112 00:11:32,833 --> 00:11:37,853 It's our wall. I just thought I'd have a lean against it. 113 00:11:37,853 --> 00:11:42,593 Are you not well? I'm fine...physically. 114 00:11:45,253 --> 00:11:52,473 You're acting funny. I can't understand why you think I'm acting funny. 115 00:12:03,933 --> 00:12:11,273 Foam rubber? How much foam rubber? We'll have to find out by experimentation, won't we? 116 00:12:11,273 --> 00:12:18,233 What's it for? Bicycle safety. To protect the rider in case of accident. 117 00:12:18,233 --> 00:12:23,313 I got the idea this morning while lying under a flying cyclist (!) 118 00:12:23,313 --> 00:12:26,273 You were better than a mattress. 119 00:12:26,273 --> 00:12:32,413 There you have it! We need enough foam rubber to act like a mattress. 120 00:12:32,413 --> 00:12:36,093 You've heard of thermal underwear. 121 00:12:36,093 --> 00:12:43,393 Well, you're looking at the inventor of the first bicycle safety underwear. 122 00:12:53,153 --> 00:12:56,193 That's not a good idea. 123 00:12:56,193 --> 00:13:01,233 Why NOT have a picnic? Creepy-crawlies! 124 00:13:01,233 --> 00:13:06,233 I was thinking of potted meat or maybe a tuna sandwich. 125 00:13:06,233 --> 00:13:12,313 At the sight of a sandwich, you get every creepy-crawly for miles! 126 00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:17,433 It's such a lovely day. It's a shame to be stuck indoors. 127 00:13:17,433 --> 00:13:23,973 What do you sit on? In my experience, grass is uncomfortable. 128 00:13:23,973 --> 00:13:28,913 Well, I don't agree. You better agree, young lady! 129 00:13:28,913 --> 00:13:34,593 You weren't brought up to find grass comfortable! Mother! 130 00:13:34,593 --> 00:13:39,193 Even when you were much younger, grass was uncomfortable. 131 00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:45,753 When were you on the grass when you were young? Never you mind! 132 00:13:45,753 --> 00:13:50,333 Didn't her from Arnold Street nearly die at a picnic? 133 00:13:50,333 --> 00:13:54,833 Yes, testing Mrs William's home-made ice-cream. 134 00:13:56,293 --> 00:13:59,953 What was wrong with the ice-cream? 135 00:13:59,953 --> 00:14:03,813 It was round Mr William's chin! 136 00:14:03,813 --> 00:14:08,893 I'm only talking about a simple picnic in the fresh air, 137 00:14:08,893 --> 00:14:13,893 not wading through alligator-infested swamps! 138 00:14:13,893 --> 00:14:20,173 If we're careful, we should find a place without alligators. 139 00:14:20,173 --> 00:14:25,093 I don't care where you go, something will bite you 140 00:14:25,093 --> 00:14:29,313 and it will feel like an alligator! 141 00:14:35,353 --> 00:14:40,673 Come along. Your bicycle's waiting. I'm coming! I'm coming! 142 00:14:40,673 --> 00:14:46,653 If ever a bicycle needed a bit of bicycle safety, that's the one! 143 00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:52,513 You must admit that it suits him. It sort of matches his ensemble. 144 00:14:52,513 --> 00:14:57,853 Will you get a move on? We're waiting here. Hold tha water! 145 00:14:57,853 --> 00:15:01,033 Hold tha water! 146 00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:08,433 It's not easy trying to walk with foam rubber. I bet a lot of people don't know that. 147 00:15:08,433 --> 00:15:15,853 You'll be glad of it when you have your accident. What accident? Yours. How else can we test it? 148 00:15:15,853 --> 00:15:19,173 Will you come back, that man? 149 00:15:19,173 --> 00:15:24,273 Hold that, will you? I knew he'd get me involved! 150 00:15:24,273 --> 00:15:27,293 Now I'm an accessory! 151 00:15:35,173 --> 00:15:39,973 Good morning, Mr Bristow. Lovely day for gents' wear. 152 00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:46,273 Anything you're needing? The offer IS tempting! 153 00:16:01,553 --> 00:16:04,433 DOG GROWLS 154 00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:10,633 VICIOUS SNARLING 155 00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:23,553 Right, come on. 156 00:16:24,613 --> 00:16:27,633 Well, swing your leg over, man. 157 00:16:27,633 --> 00:16:34,253 Swing? Swing! Dressed like this!? You look terrific dressed like this. 158 00:16:34,253 --> 00:16:37,673 A medieval Japanese warrior! 159 00:16:37,673 --> 00:16:41,253 Bet they didn't have to ride bikes! 160 00:16:41,253 --> 00:16:49,133 I know where the fault is. The foam rubber is in the way of your knees. I know where the fault is - you! 161 00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:52,893 Lift it higher! I can't see! 162 00:16:52,893 --> 00:16:57,453 Stop complaining! If it's not one thing, it's another. 163 00:16:57,453 --> 00:17:00,333 Right. Now swing your leg over. 164 00:17:07,953 --> 00:17:12,913 How can I test the stuff when I can't even get on the bike!? 165 00:17:22,353 --> 00:17:24,933 Aaaaah! 166 00:17:24,933 --> 00:17:30,093 Right. Now, on my word of command... 167 00:17:30,093 --> 00:17:33,633 One, two, three! 168 00:17:33,633 --> 00:17:36,253 AAAAH ! 169 00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:45,533 There you are - no pain at all. Works a treat. 170 00:17:53,833 --> 00:17:59,433 Fell on his back. I think we forgot to cater for his back. 171 00:17:59,433 --> 00:18:04,973 Well, you live and learn. That's the whole point of these trials. 172 00:18:04,973 --> 00:18:10,073 Now we know he needs all-round protection. 173 00:18:13,633 --> 00:18:16,593 Aaaw! Oh, shut up! Come on. 174 00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:27,233 Oo-oh! Ooh! Yes, that's it. You're getting the hang of it now. Well done! Very good. 175 00:18:27,233 --> 00:18:30,353 Ooo-oh! 176 00:18:32,913 --> 00:18:38,833 How the hell am I supposed to ride a bike dressed like this? 177 00:18:38,833 --> 00:18:45,893 Think positive, man! He's POSITIVE he'll never be able to ride a bike dressed like that! 178 00:18:45,893 --> 00:18:52,813 Very well, then. We'll test it again, without the bicycle. 179 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,033 Aaaah! Aaaaah! 180 00:18:59,813 --> 00:19:03,873 Right, after three. One, two, three! 181 00:19:30,653 --> 00:19:34,813 What the devil are you doing now? 182 00:19:34,813 --> 00:19:42,313 Just hanging here to get longer...stronger! It's just a few exercises. 183 00:19:42,313 --> 00:19:47,593 What are you doing exercising at your time of life? 184 00:19:47,593 --> 00:19:52,933 Well, you never know when it might come in handy. 185 00:19:52,933 --> 00:19:58,373 I think if we were attacked then I could defend you. 186 00:20:01,773 --> 00:20:06,713 I think it's time you started taking the pills again, Howard. 187 00:20:06,713 --> 00:20:09,913 THUD ! 188 00:20:28,933 --> 00:20:35,293 Oh, Mother! You can't change gear with the handbrake! 189 00:20:35,293 --> 00:20:40,353 Since when is this the handbrake? It didn't used to be! 190 00:20:43,973 --> 00:20:49,233 You see, it's your father. He will keep changing things! 191 00:20:49,233 --> 00:20:52,653 Why not picnic here? 192 00:20:52,653 --> 00:20:57,913 Why just here? Here. Not a yard further. 193 00:20:57,913 --> 00:21:01,553 Good idea! We like it here! 194 00:21:05,893 --> 00:21:10,373 What are you hesitating for? Now what? 195 00:21:10,373 --> 00:21:16,013 You didn't like the foam rubber, we got rid of it. So what's up? 196 00:21:16,013 --> 00:21:23,353 Apart from me shed? Look, don't worry about your shed. We'll help you with your shed. 197 00:21:23,353 --> 00:21:30,833 Will it hurt? Of course not. You just press the button and the airbag inflates. I don't know. 198 00:21:30,833 --> 00:21:35,913 I wish we could have tested it. This IS the test, man! 199 00:21:35,913 --> 00:21:44,273 Will he explode? I'd hate it if he did. He will NOT explode! Can I have that in writing? 200 00:21:44,273 --> 00:21:49,153 I don't know if we've used enough compressed air. 201 00:21:49,153 --> 00:21:54,233 There's only one way to find out. Press your button! Pardon? 202 00:21:54,233 --> 00:21:57,293 Get on with it. Don't take all day. 203 00:21:57,293 --> 00:22:03,173 Look! He thinks I'm going to explode. It's nothing personal. 204 00:22:03,173 --> 00:22:08,153 Oh, get a move on, man. You're not going to explode. 205 00:22:08,153 --> 00:22:13,033 What are you doing? Someone's got to press the button. 206 00:22:15,333 --> 00:22:20,093 RUSH OF AIR 207 00:22:25,293 --> 00:22:28,553 FARTING NOISE 208 00:22:30,733 --> 00:22:35,973 Yes, well, he's got a few leaks, you see. 209 00:22:35,973 --> 00:22:41,033 Once we've got them plugged up, we have cracked it! 210 00:22:41,033 --> 00:22:45,553 LOUD FARTING SOUND Pardon. 211 00:22:49,673 --> 00:22:52,753 It's a tuna sandwich. 212 00:22:52,753 --> 00:22:59,113 It's not tuna I'm looking for. It's creepy-crawlies! 213 00:22:59,113 --> 00:23:04,573 Oh, this grass is hard! I told you grass is hard! 214 00:23:07,773 --> 00:23:11,053 We're going to enjoy this (!) 215 00:23:11,053 --> 00:23:16,313 Don't you start arguing until you can find a handbrake! 216 00:23:17,893 --> 00:23:22,533 Oh, I can't say I'm built for outdoors. 217 00:23:22,533 --> 00:23:28,253 I caught my Howard dangling from the banister this morning. 218 00:23:30,233 --> 00:23:33,313 Whatever was he doing? 219 00:23:33,313 --> 00:23:35,973 Exercising, he said. 220 00:23:35,973 --> 00:23:40,893 It must look very untidy, dangling from the banister. 221 00:23:40,893 --> 00:23:44,113 It does. 222 00:24:10,273 --> 00:24:15,313 You must stop pursuing me. My heart belongs to another. 223 00:24:18,993 --> 00:24:23,433 It's a great responsibility having such power. 224 00:24:25,233 --> 00:24:28,153 That's a steep hill ! 225 00:24:28,153 --> 00:24:35,753 It's not steep! I've got no brakes! You don't need brakes to crash. 226 00:24:35,753 --> 00:24:40,573 Lucky you! I'd sooner have brakes. 227 00:24:40,573 --> 00:24:48,553 You won't hurt yourself. Aim for the haystack. When you hit it, you'll be fully-inflated. 228 00:24:48,553 --> 00:24:56,733 I bet you've always wanted to be fully-inflated. BLOWS RASPBERRY 229 00:24:56,733 --> 00:25:03,713 You're doing this for bicycle safety. I'm doing this because I'm crackers! 230 00:25:03,713 --> 00:25:06,633 That sounds more plausible to me. 231 00:25:10,033 --> 00:25:13,153 Right, are you ready? No! 232 00:25:13,153 --> 00:25:19,033 I'll take that as a cautious yes. Right, off we go, then. 233 00:25:19,033 --> 00:25:22,913 Did you hear that? "Off WE go" (!) 234 00:25:22,913 --> 00:25:25,853 Get on with it! 235 00:25:35,993 --> 00:25:42,713 AAAAH ! He can't even hit a haystack! Where does he think he's going? 236 00:25:42,713 --> 00:25:46,553 AAAAAAAAH ! 237 00:25:46,553 --> 00:25:52,713 There's one! One what? A creepy-crawly! 238 00:25:52,713 --> 00:25:58,233 Well, there's bound to be one. You can't expect not to see one. 239 00:25:59,313 --> 00:26:02,653 Make that two! AAAAAH ! 240 00:26:02,653 --> 00:26:05,673 AAAAAH ! 241 00:26:05,673 --> 00:26:11,853 Where is he going? It's more than creepy-crawlies! 242 00:26:11,853 --> 00:26:16,813 Just what I've always wanted - someone to ride over me sandwich (!) 243 00:26:20,313 --> 00:26:23,633 Oh, look what he's done! 244 00:26:25,353 --> 00:26:31,533 Are you all right? She cares! She cares! 245 00:26:32,973 --> 00:26:38,353 She cares! She cares! Calm yourself! 246 00:26:38,353 --> 00:26:42,533 I don't care as much as all that! Ee, lass! 247 00:26:47,973 --> 00:26:55,273 Why didn't you press the button? I DID press the button! It didn't work! 248 00:27:00,093 --> 00:27:05,513 Get him off! He's squeaking at me! Get him off! 249 00:27:08,593 --> 00:27:11,173 Get him off! 250 00:27:28,713 --> 00:27:31,453 LOUD POP 251 00:28:19,933 --> 00:28:25,033 Subtitles by Greig Forbes BBC Broadcast 1993 252 00:28:25,083 --> 00:28:29,633 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 21812

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