All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine s15e01 How to Clear Your Pipes.eng

We shouldn't just be lying here.
I like lying here.

That's always been your trouble -
a tendency towards the horizontal.

Why is he talking Spanish, Norm?

Pay attention, little cretin.
Horizontal isn't Spanish.

I bet it was to Rudolph Valentino.

Was he Spanish?

Well, with a name like Valentino,
he wasn't Yorkshire, was he?

It wouldn't have been the same
if he'd been Yorkshire - Rudolph Micklethwaite.

He could never have made The Sheik.

You can't snatch women out of tents
if you're called Micklethwaite!

Oh, I'd like to snatch Nora Batty
out of a tent and ride off with her into the sunset!

You're too idle.
You wouldn't be fit enough to snatch Nora Batty out of a tent!

Maybe if he came silently
out of the night by taxi.

I could call a taxi
and ride off with her!

Wouldn't you rather be able to
take her up in your muscular arms?

Ooh, that sounds good to me!

Don't just be an idiot -
be an equal opportunities idiot.

Let HER snatch YOU up
in HER muscular arms!

Assault courses. That's the stuff
to sort the men from the muffins.

Well, on behalf of us muffins,
Foggy, I'd like you to forget all this talk about assault courses.

Once you'd done it, you'd enjoy it.
My chaps always did.

That's not Spanish, it's rubbish!
He's very fluent in rubbish.

I admit I used to drive men hard
and they hated it at the time. I'M hating it already.

But once I'd driven them
to a peak of fitness,

well, they used to come up to me
and have a quiet word.

Aye, I know what word.
"Thank you, Corporal." Big, burly men with a tear in their eye.

It's little moments like that
that make leadership so worthwhile.

Not saying goodbye to me?
I thought you were busy, love. I didn't want to worry you.

I thought it might be
too upsetting for you emotionally.

Me going off to pit my endurance
against the area's best.

It wouldn't have been
too emotional for me,

although it might be for you
if it turns out you're not actually in a bicycle race.

Of course it's a race!
I've got a number!

And I've got YOUR number!
And don't you forget it!

No, no, no. Get some rhythm into it,
some co-ordination.

I notice tha's not doing it!
Somebody has to stand here and provide the motivation.

I see spots before my eyes!
That's because you're not fit. You'll soon get rid of them.

When everything goes black!
We'll have a break in a minute.

A minute? A whole minute?

Good grief! You can't be tired
already! You both look terribly civilian from this angle.

What if we fall? You'll probably
hurt yourself, so don't fall.

Now he tells us!

Assault courses are about
dicing with danger. BRANCH CREAKS

She never has much luck with men.
You can't say she hasn't tried.

You'd have thought
she'd got the hang of it by now.

I see her occasionally at the
hairdresser's - all gob and glitter.

Sometimes I fear for her life.

Earrings with that much metal
should never be under a hair-dryer!

Are her skirts still as short?

Does she still think her knees
are 18 years old? Talking of knees!

I wondered if you'd display this
poster announcing the bicycle race. I'll stick it up somewhere.

Your kind gesture will be much
appreciated in charitable circles.

That was never the expression
of a man planning a bicycle race. I wonder what he's up to?

I hope it's nothing strenuous,
by the look of them knees.

LOUD GROANS
Oh, me arms are coming out!

Nonsense! It's your trousers
that look as if they're coming out!

Can I ask if you'll kindly donate
my body to medical science?

It'll be no use to me
after this!

This is nothing compared to what
assault courses used to be like. You'd do it over deep, muddy water.

Instead of old chicken poo!

It's all in the mind.
Stop thinking you can't do it and tell yourselves you can!

I CAN do it! I CAN do it!
That's better.

I can't do it! I CAN'T do it!

How far am I off the floor?
About 12 inches.

12 whole inches!?

What a pair of civilians!

I never thought I'd actually enjoy
lying here in chicken poo!

I hope my ferrets
still talk to me.

Once you get the hang of it and
feel the fitness, you'll thank me.

They used to thank me.

"Corporal," they'd say, "I'd like
you to be best man at my wedding."

I wish I'd been the best man
at my wedding.

If you go through pie and peas
like that, you should be quicker on that rope.

I'm not doing that any more!
It makes your arms ache.

I think my arms are longer.
I'm SURE they're longer.

They're not. They FEEL longer!
And he's not doing any rope tricks. That's true!

I was going to change the exercise.
A born leader knows how to keep the interest of his men.

We ought to have a nap
on the hill.

I wouldn't mind training
for a nap.

I wonder if you'd mind
displaying this poster. It's for the bicycle race.

What bicycle race?
It's all on the poster. It's a big event.

Howard's busy.
Regular little organiser.

I wish people would leave it
to those who CAN organise.

ECHOING:
You...ah!

Come along! Quicker than that.
Elbows and knees, elbows and knees!

COMPO SHOUTS
What did he say?

I'm not sure, but I don't think
it was, "Happy birthday!"

Come along. When we've done these,
we can start on the smaller pipes.

That's even more of a challenge.

Wesley? Wesley?

I think I got the mixture wrong.
She'll be a hot little beast!

Wesley, it's an emergency!
No, it's just a little explosion.

No, I mean up the road. You've got
to come. Bring your equipment. I'm in the middle of important work.

I see that. I can't go tearing off
at the drop of...a five-pound note.

Maybe I could for a ten-pound note.
That is outrageous!

All right, all right.
I'll get me equipment.

Circus!
I love a good circus.

Eli...
cycle race!

A cycle race AND a circus!
Things are looking up round here!

Will you get a move on, Wesley?

How did it happen?
Never mind, "How did it happen?"

Oh, I see how it happened.

They don't follow orders
to the letter. If only they would follow orders to the letter.

Interesting possibilities here
for gentlemen of a sporting nature.

So they say!

I can't see Howard.
He'll be around somewhere. They're a double act.

She always looks
extremely unmarried, somehow.

How did they get in there?
They were doing an assault course. Ask a silly question!

Have no fear, help is here.

What kept you? Tha's been hours!
We came as quickly as we could.

Have you any idea how quickly
you can get bored inside here?

I was with you in spirit
all the way. I thought his ferrets were supposed to do this!

Auntie Wainwright?
Are you there, Auntie Wainwright?

LOUDSPEAKER:
'Don't touch a thing! I see you! Keep your hands in your pockets!'

I'm not wearing any pockets!
'Use your initiative!'

Oh, it's you.
I wondered if you wouldn't mind displaying this poster.

Come inside.
Don't stand there in a draught.

I like customers to have
the freedom of the premises.

I'm not buying, Auntie. I just
came to see about this poster.

No pockets? So, I suppose, no cash.
Well, you're a challenge.

Why is there a number
on your tropical pyjamas? Pyjamas! They're for bicycle racing.

Bicycle racing?
One of the wealthier sports.

No, that's polo, Auntie.
Still, I bet there's a bob or two available to those who go racing.

Come in, lad. Browse around.
I'm not buying!

You keep saying that.

You're getting nowhere!

Maybe if we just tried
one at a time and took a leg each?

We ought to try one at a time
and take a leg each.

Now why didn't I think of that?

What are you doing?
We're going to pull you free!

What about me?
All in good time.

Right, Wesley, on my signal.
One, two, three...

Oh! O-o-oh!

You enjoying that, Norm?

He's stuck too firmly.

We'll have to try the other one.

Pull ! Pull !

Oh, you were made for each other.
It fits you like a glove.

I don't think Pearl wants a combined
coatrack and umbrella-stand.

Ah, but it's not just a combined
coatrack and umbrella-stand. It's a token of your affection.

All I wanted to do was leave
the poster. Now listen, lad. Keep absolutely mum about this.

No gossiping! I shan't tell anybody.
If word ever got out that I was offering credit...!

I only did it because you're family
and have a sharp eye for a bargain.

Taking into consideration
that you ARE family,

I hereby guarantee to display
your poster in a prominent position.

At, let's see now...
a merely token charge of 50p.

50p !? Don't worry.
I know you've got no pockets.

We'll add it on to your repayments
for the coatrack. That's what families are for.

I've got to go, lad.
Call again any time.

Oh...! And if you're not too proud
to take an old woman's advice, here it is -

don't get behind with the payments.

What's tha doing now?

Well, we're going to pull Clegg out
with the Land-rover. Then you.

How come I'm always last?
Because nobody's ever very anxious to work anywhere near your feet!

Could I ask a question?
Suppose me legs come off?

Oh, that's very unlikely. I'll be
watching for that kind of thing.

Right, Wesley, on my command.

Oh, and Wesley...resist all
temptation to get your clog down.

Clutch out, very slowly.

Give it a bit more tempo! We don't
seem to be getting anywhere here.

I bet tha's enjoying
going first, Norm, eh?

All right, Wesley, pack it in.

I'm going to be taller!

I am! I'm going to be taller!

We seem to be getting nothing
but complaints from this pipe!

It's the lack of gratitude
wears you down. Get the cutting gear, Wesley.

Fine set of antlers on that!
Should it be riding a bicycle?

Right, now things may get
a bit confusing from here,

but don't worry. I shall be
supervising at all times.

What are you going to do?
Lift you on to the Land-rover and take you back to Wesley's.

I don't like it! We haven't started
yet. How do you know you don't?

I believe him! He's convinced me!
You'll be all right!

Wesley and I are approaching this
scientifically. You two just have to go along for the ride.

Lucky you!

Come on, Wesley.

Right - one, two, three, up!

Whoa!

Don't worry. We'll walk!

You know what the biggest
hazard in our game is? The Chief Superintendent?

Apart from him!
Apart from him? Surprise!

The sudden, unexpected
something that turns up. The Chief Superintendent!

If you're a member of the public,
when some sudden shock arrives,

you're allowed to scream and panic
and pedal off over the horizon.

But a policeman in uniform
must take everything in his stride.

He's got to be ready
to handle it. Up to a point.

Beyond that, I think I'd scream,
panic and pedal away!

You have to train yourself.
Over the years, I've trained myself to be ready for that instant shock.

And when that sudden shock comes,
I'll stay cool and in command.

She's obsessed with her curtains.
She only married him because he promised her Austrian blinds.

I may be old-fashioned...
You ARE old-fashioned, Mother.

That'll do from you.
See?

What goes on BEHIND some people's
curtains makes you think!

What goes on behind people's
curtains that makes you think?

Well, I don't know!
I'm speaking generally.

I'm not so sure everything's right
behind those Austrian blinds.

Why do people want these foreign
things? Austrian blinds (!)

What next? A husband with a feather
in his hat and leather shorts?

Mine's in shorts. They're not
leather, but the effect's as foreign.

With THEIR knees, I've never
understood why men wear shorts.

My Barry's nice in shorts.
You weren't brought up to notice people in shorts.

I AM married, Mother.
That's no excuse. What limp excuse is that?

They get up to weirder things
than wearing shorts.

I can't imagine what they'd look
weirder in than shorts!

Fancy getting stuck
up a drain-pipe at their age!

Why do an assault course?
Inside every grown man, there's a juvenile struggling to get out!

It's who they're struggling
to get out WITH that amazes me.

I hope Wesley's not cutting
into anything he shouldn't be. It's the first time he's done this.

COMPO AND CLEGG COUGH

All right, no more assault courses.
This has been a lesson to me. You're just not up to it.

I'm glad you noticed that.
'Ey up, is that Nora Batty come to welcome me out of a pipe?

Keep away! Keep away!

We shall get all the exercise
we need in Howard's bicycle race.

We've really cracked it
this time, love.

People will think
we're in a bicycle race! Why did we put posters up?

We've made it seem like
a REAL bicycle race!

Suppose other people turn up?
There aren't any prizes, love.

Who'd turn up for a gruelling race
without any prizes?

It must be here.
It's here (!)

They're off!

Come in No. 34, your time's up!

Marina's way out in front!

That's always been my impression.

Subtitles by Greig Forbes
BBC Scotland 1993

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0