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1
00:00:06,111 --> 00:00:10,011
I don't know why you're
still wearing collar studs.
2
00:00:10,011 --> 00:00:12,451
You mean, there are people who don't?
3
00:00:12,451 --> 00:00:15,571
They went out in the 1930s.
4
00:00:15,571 --> 00:00:19,131
Even I used to go out in the 1930s.
5
00:00:19,131 --> 00:00:21,411
Nowhere exciting, I bet.
6
00:00:23,771 --> 00:00:27,231
Excitement wasn't compulsory then.
7
00:01:03,691 --> 00:01:06,551
Oooh, morning Alvin.
8
00:01:06,551 --> 00:01:08,771
I shall never get used to it.
9
00:01:08,771 --> 00:01:10,651
Being called Alvin?
10
00:01:10,651 --> 00:01:13,131
Ah well, I expect
it will take a while.
11
00:01:13,131 --> 00:01:15,851
No, I shall never get used to
this door being opened
12
00:01:15,851 --> 00:01:18,491
by somebody who doesn't
start by being nasty to me.
13
00:01:18,491 --> 00:01:21,431
I can do nasty if you'd rather. No.
14
00:01:21,431 --> 00:01:24,431
You learn that early
you know in the pub trade.
15
00:01:24,431 --> 00:01:26,291
Speaking of early -
16
00:01:26,291 --> 00:01:30,631
how early would I have to be to
catch you without your make-up?
17
00:01:30,631 --> 00:01:32,211
Early.
18
00:01:32,211 --> 00:01:35,771
And it's not an experience
you'd want to repeat.
19
00:01:35,771 --> 00:01:37,831
I've seen you without your make-up.
20
00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:39,711
When? You were still at the pub.
21
00:01:39,711 --> 00:01:42,591
It was late one night.
We were drinking with your Wilf.
22
00:01:42,591 --> 00:01:45,931
You had to get out of bed to
throw us out. I was impressed.
23
00:01:45,931 --> 00:01:48,551
I told you I could do nasty.
You're not kidding.
24
00:01:48,551 --> 00:01:50,291
You threw your Wilf out as well.
25
00:01:52,071 --> 00:01:54,691
So why the knock on the door?
What did you want?
26
00:01:54,691 --> 00:01:58,211
Just checking. Wanted to see
if you'd have your make-up on.
27
00:01:58,211 --> 00:02:00,371
It's nice to have
a bit of colour next door.
28
00:02:11,571 --> 00:02:13,191
Oooh, Mr Hobdyke...
29
00:02:13,191 --> 00:02:15,791
how may we oblige?
30
00:02:15,791 --> 00:02:19,791
What have you got on
untraceable poisons?
31
00:02:19,791 --> 00:02:24,771
Oh, I'm afraid we don't go much
further than a cookery section.
32
00:02:24,771 --> 00:02:30,951
Was that a twitch or are you
winking at me, you wicked person?
33
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:33,311
It's a twitch. You see.
34
00:02:33,311 --> 00:02:34,971
That's the twitch.
35
00:02:34,971 --> 00:02:37,191
And this is my wink.
36
00:02:37,191 --> 00:02:40,471
Oh, I like your wink.
37
00:02:40,471 --> 00:02:42,631
It's not a civilian wink.
38
00:02:42,631 --> 00:02:45,351
No I keep it
purely for operational purposes.
39
00:02:45,351 --> 00:02:49,071
What a pity! It looks to me
like a very promising wink.
40
00:02:49,071 --> 00:02:51,311
I often have to wrestle with it.
41
00:02:51,311 --> 00:02:53,591
Show the body who's boss.
42
00:02:53,591 --> 00:02:55,391
I learned this in Tibet.
43
00:02:55,391 --> 00:02:58,911
I tell a lie it was Macclesfield.
44
00:02:58,911 --> 00:03:01,491
There's an old devotee
of Buddha there.
45
00:03:01,491 --> 00:03:05,231
Incredible what he can do
with a few joss sticks.
46
00:03:05,231 --> 00:03:07,051
Perhaps I might be of help.
47
00:03:07,051 --> 00:03:09,131
You weren't much
help with the poison.
48
00:03:09,131 --> 00:03:11,611
Do you have a need for poison?
49
00:03:11,611 --> 00:03:15,351
It's purely defensive.
You need to be forewarned.
50
00:03:15,351 --> 00:03:17,971
You need to know what
they'll come after you with.
51
00:03:17,971 --> 00:03:20,491
They?
52
00:03:20,491 --> 00:03:24,031
There's an outside chance
it could be the North Koreans.
53
00:03:24,031 --> 00:03:26,431
But mostly it's Putin's people.
54
00:03:26,431 --> 00:03:30,131
They've never forgiven me for
stealing one of their submarines.
55
00:03:30,131 --> 00:03:32,211
Submarine?
56
00:03:32,211 --> 00:03:35,051
We needed to know
the exact dimensions
57
00:03:35,051 --> 00:03:37,971
of a certain valve
in a thermo coupling.
58
00:03:37,971 --> 00:03:41,531
And I couldn't remember
if it was the green one or the red,
59
00:03:41,531 --> 00:03:43,851
so I had to take the whole submarine.
60
00:03:53,451 --> 00:03:55,831
How long's he going to be in there?
61
00:03:55,831 --> 00:03:58,791
He's taking a risk
going in there at all.
62
00:03:58,791 --> 00:04:02,411
Miss Davenport thinks
he's "available".
63
00:04:02,411 --> 00:04:06,051
But he loves only
Olga the Beautiful Spy.
64
00:04:06,051 --> 00:04:08,151
Miss Davenport doesn't know that.
65
00:04:08,151 --> 00:04:10,211
He tells everybody else.
66
00:04:12,151 --> 00:04:14,771
I bet Olga was ugly.
67
00:04:14,771 --> 00:04:18,331
I bet she looked like
one of their hammer throwers.
68
00:04:18,331 --> 00:04:20,751
You don't like lady hammer thrower?
69
00:04:20,751 --> 00:04:24,151
My wife looks like hammer thrower.
70
00:04:24,151 --> 00:04:25,691
I'm sorry to hear that.
71
00:04:25,691 --> 00:04:28,171
How do you think I feel?
72
00:04:28,171 --> 00:04:31,731
Whoa! Where's the fire, Morton?
73
00:04:31,731 --> 00:04:34,511
I'm getting this repaired for Toby.
74
00:04:34,511 --> 00:04:36,191
I think it's very generous
75
00:04:36,191 --> 00:04:39,031
the way Toby lets you
do all his boring jobs.
76
00:04:39,031 --> 00:04:42,131
No, I think it's nice to be needed.
77
00:04:42,131 --> 00:04:46,451
You were a much nicer person than
that when you were somebody else.
78
00:04:46,451 --> 00:04:48,971
I wasn't somebody else.
79
00:04:48,971 --> 00:04:50,811
You used to be Hermann Teasdale.
80
00:04:50,811 --> 00:04:53,031
That's still me.
81
00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:56,331
I changed my name that's all.
82
00:04:56,331 --> 00:04:59,871
Who did your wife leave...
you or Hermann Teasdale?
83
00:04:59,871 --> 00:05:01,591
She left Hermann Teasdale.
84
00:05:01,591 --> 00:05:04,051
I wasn't Morton Beamish then.
85
00:05:04,051 --> 00:05:08,591
No wife would leave Morton Beamish.
You should remarry.
86
00:05:08,591 --> 00:05:10,511
I'll never get married again.
87
00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:13,371
I don't trust women any more. OK.
88
00:05:13,371 --> 00:05:16,011
Morton Beamish doesn't trust women.
89
00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:18,731
Why don't you remarry
as Hermann Teasdale?
90
00:05:18,731 --> 00:05:20,511
He trusted women.
91
00:05:20,511 --> 00:05:22,611
And look what happened to him.
92
00:05:22,611 --> 00:05:25,031
His wife left him.
93
00:05:25,031 --> 00:05:27,791
I'm not having any woman leave me.
94
00:05:27,791 --> 00:05:29,371
But that was you.
95
00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:32,951
Not this me.
96
00:05:32,951 --> 00:05:35,291
I told you. You're somebody else.
97
00:05:40,091 --> 00:05:42,371
Thank you for
the attempt, Miss Davenport.
98
00:05:42,371 --> 00:05:44,951
But I didn't think kissing
would stop the twitch.
99
00:05:44,951 --> 00:05:46,791
Worth a try, Mr Hobdyke.
100
00:05:46,791 --> 00:05:48,651
It's a very old remedy.
101
00:05:55,351 --> 00:05:57,531
HE CHUCKLES
102
00:06:01,311 --> 00:06:05,171
It's an old remedy.
Can't argue with that.
103
00:06:05,171 --> 00:06:08,171
What's Morton doing
vacuuming out here?
104
00:06:08,171 --> 00:06:10,731
It's Toby's.
I'm getting it repaired.
105
00:06:10,731 --> 00:06:12,711
Isn't he back with his wife yet?
106
00:06:12,711 --> 00:06:14,791
I thought he was aiming to get back.
107
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,071
Doesn't he miss her?
108
00:06:17,071 --> 00:06:19,071
I've watched him pining sometimes,
109
00:06:19,071 --> 00:06:21,091
when his defences are down.
110
00:06:21,091 --> 00:06:23,891
I've seen a tear. Don't.
111
00:06:23,891 --> 00:06:27,511
I know you think I'm
just a hunter-killer but inside,
112
00:06:27,511 --> 00:06:31,371
sometimes it's Mary Baker Cake Mix.
113
00:06:31,371 --> 00:06:35,451
Of course
Toby's tear was for his Jaguar.
114
00:06:35,451 --> 00:06:38,451
But I think he'd like to get
back with his wife, as well.
115
00:06:38,451 --> 00:06:40,731
Then you must help him, Morton.
116
00:06:40,731 --> 00:06:43,451
He does everything
but clean Toby's teeth.
117
00:06:43,451 --> 00:06:45,431
Then we must all help him.
118
00:06:45,431 --> 00:06:47,311
A fellow human being...
119
00:06:47,311 --> 00:06:53,011
in distress... A spirit in torment.
What do you say to that?
120
00:06:53,011 --> 00:06:55,711
I'm busy. Doing what?
121
00:06:55,711 --> 00:06:58,911
Tell him what we're doing.
122
00:06:58,911 --> 00:07:01,271
It's classified.
123
00:07:01,271 --> 00:07:03,591
Sorry, can't talk about it.
124
00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:06,551
Enough! Listen, team,
here's the plan.
125
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:08,151
Morton, first move...
126
00:07:08,151 --> 00:07:09,691
you go to Toby's wife.
127
00:07:09,691 --> 00:07:11,631
You plead for him.
128
00:07:11,631 --> 00:07:13,551
Come back, Entwistle.
129
00:07:13,551 --> 00:07:15,191
Where are you going?
130
00:07:15,191 --> 00:07:18,071
Not bleeding for anybody.
131
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:21,011
Plead with a P.
132
00:07:21,011 --> 00:07:22,871
OK.
133
00:07:22,871 --> 00:07:24,891
Sounds better than bleeding.
134
00:07:26,471 --> 00:07:28,851
Play on her heartstrings, Morton.
135
00:07:28,851 --> 00:07:31,291
Tell her how broken Toby is.
136
00:07:31,291 --> 00:07:35,711
You see him all the time. You know
how he suffers. She'll listen to you.
137
00:07:35,711 --> 00:07:38,651
People don't normally listen to me.
138
00:07:38,651 --> 00:07:42,751
Even before she left me,
my wife used to ignore me.
139
00:07:42,751 --> 00:07:46,171
Ignore who? You see!
140
00:07:53,731 --> 00:07:57,991
Glenda, I can't get
the damned thing off.
141
00:07:57,991 --> 00:08:00,211
What are you doing with bleach?
142
00:08:00,211 --> 00:08:01,931
You might well ask.
143
00:08:01,931 --> 00:08:06,191
I go from executive lifestyle
to opening my own bleach.
144
00:08:06,191 --> 00:08:08,491
Correction - not opening.
145
00:08:08,491 --> 00:08:10,131
Men are helpless.
146
00:08:10,131 --> 00:08:12,211
I know. I've got one.
147
00:08:12,211 --> 00:08:15,491
And now there's a neighbour
trying to make it two.
148
00:08:15,491 --> 00:08:20,111
You squeeze here
and here before you unscrew.
149
00:08:20,111 --> 00:08:23,391
What perverted genius!
150
00:08:23,391 --> 00:08:25,351
Ah, good morning, Barry.
151
00:08:25,351 --> 00:08:27,371
You haven't seen Morton have you?
152
00:08:27,371 --> 00:08:30,191
I thought he was with you.
He's always with you.
153
00:08:30,191 --> 00:08:32,051
It must be a lot like being married.
154
00:08:32,051 --> 00:08:35,391
Not entirely, I can assure you.
155
00:08:35,391 --> 00:08:37,551
He needs a good woman.
156
00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:40,011
So do we all.
157
00:08:40,011 --> 00:08:43,791
But first I'd like to
get back with my wife.
158
00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:47,431
I hate it when you get
all sentimental, Toby.
159
00:08:47,431 --> 00:08:50,411
No wonder she left you.
She didn't leave.
160
00:08:50,411 --> 00:08:52,931
I was the one thrown out.
161
00:08:52,931 --> 00:08:55,271
I'm surprised you've lost Morton.
162
00:08:55,271 --> 00:08:58,011
I find him not easy to lose.
163
00:08:58,011 --> 00:09:02,171
I sent him off hours ago
with a defunct vacuum cleaner.
164
00:09:02,171 --> 00:09:04,551
Boys and their toys, Toby.
165
00:09:04,551 --> 00:09:06,851
Life-after-marriage version.
166
00:09:08,951 --> 00:09:11,931
I'm going to find Morton a woman.
167
00:09:11,931 --> 00:09:14,131
Don't start that.
They'll all want one.
168
00:09:41,491 --> 00:09:43,191
I'm feeling for the wheel.
169
00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:47,311
I thought perhaps you might notice
I'm feeling for the wheel.
170
00:09:47,311 --> 00:09:50,111
Find your own wheel, Hobdyke.
171
00:09:50,111 --> 00:09:51,951
Where's my foot now?
172
00:09:51,951 --> 00:09:53,811
Still on end of leg.
173
00:09:55,071 --> 00:09:59,251
Please put it on the wheel.
Somewhere non-slip.
174
00:09:59,251 --> 00:10:02,671
You'll all be lost if I'm
evacuated due to injuries.
175
00:10:02,671 --> 00:10:05,331
Oh, come on down, you Big Mary.
176
00:10:06,891 --> 00:10:09,051
He's very nimble for his age.
177
00:10:09,051 --> 00:10:12,131
What age? Ninety-four.
178
00:10:12,131 --> 00:10:15,391
You'd be careful if you'd
been wounded where they got me.
179
00:10:15,391 --> 00:10:18,511
Where? In the Dardanelles.
180
00:10:18,511 --> 00:10:21,231
The great worry was infection.
181
00:10:21,231 --> 00:10:23,251
I'm not allowed to say more.
182
00:10:28,651 --> 00:10:30,911
There's your target, Morton...
183
00:10:30,911 --> 00:10:35,891
Toby's former home from which
he's been ruthlessly expelled
184
00:10:35,891 --> 00:10:38,831
by the unfortunate circumstance...
185
00:10:38,831 --> 00:10:40,911
Of being caught.
186
00:10:40,911 --> 00:10:43,671
He told me they were
merely good friends.
187
00:10:43,671 --> 00:10:45,611
That was the other one.
188
00:10:45,611 --> 00:10:47,591
And now he's sorry...
189
00:10:47,591 --> 00:10:50,871
a man in pain. Too much exercise...
190
00:10:50,871 --> 00:10:52,331
does it every time.
191
00:10:55,431 --> 00:11:00,811
In there, is the woman who
secretly longs for his return.
192
00:11:00,811 --> 00:11:02,831
Bring them back together, Morton.
193
00:11:02,831 --> 00:11:05,251
Be the vehicle of their happiness.
194
00:11:05,251 --> 00:11:08,171
I think wheel just came off.
195
00:11:08,171 --> 00:11:10,451
What about Toby's vacuum cleaner?
196
00:11:10,451 --> 00:11:12,451
He'll be wondering where I am.
197
00:11:12,451 --> 00:11:14,471
We'll see to that.
198
00:11:14,471 --> 00:11:17,531
You'll be doing Toby
a much greater service here.
199
00:11:17,531 --> 00:11:19,431
I don't know his wife.
200
00:11:19,431 --> 00:11:22,451
I don't know mine.
201
00:11:22,451 --> 00:11:24,731
All these years still learning.
202
00:11:26,331 --> 00:11:29,751
You should have asked my advice.
I'm an expert on women.
203
00:11:29,751 --> 00:11:31,391
Me too.
204
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:34,611
Just wives are tricky.
205
00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:38,571
All you'll be doing
is putting in a word for Toby.
206
00:11:40,151 --> 00:11:42,331
Could we ask which word?
207
00:11:42,331 --> 00:11:46,591
Be quiet. I like "simultaneous".
208
00:11:46,591 --> 00:11:49,131
Good word. Could he put that in?
209
00:11:51,391 --> 00:11:53,991
Just put on a sad face.
210
00:11:53,991 --> 00:11:58,091
Win her sympathy and then tell
her how much Toby misses her.
211
00:11:58,091 --> 00:12:00,871
Can't sleep. Off his food.
212
00:12:00,871 --> 00:12:02,831
He can eat for England.
213
00:12:02,831 --> 00:12:05,731
Does she need to know
that at this point in time?
214
00:12:05,731 --> 00:12:07,831
Stiffen the sinews,
215
00:12:07,831 --> 00:12:10,671
you've got this man's
future in your hands.
216
00:12:10,671 --> 00:12:13,191
I bet he drops it.
217
00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:17,151
He jests. We all have
confidence in you, Morton.
218
00:12:17,151 --> 00:12:19,151
Selected you for this, didn't I?
219
00:12:19,151 --> 00:12:21,251
From how many applicants?
220
00:12:21,251 --> 00:12:23,631
Approximately none.
221
00:12:23,631 --> 00:12:25,731
Hand-picked you personally.
222
00:12:25,731 --> 00:12:30,251
I can recognize the right man for
the job when I see him. Go, Morton.
223
00:12:30,251 --> 00:12:33,451
Bring these lovebirds together again.
224
00:12:33,451 --> 00:12:35,531
I'm no good with women.
225
00:12:35,531 --> 00:12:37,431
Don't say that.
226
00:12:37,431 --> 00:12:39,311
Only one wife left you.
227
00:12:39,311 --> 00:12:41,811
One woman. It's not a bad average.
228
00:12:41,811 --> 00:12:43,611
Nobody else left you.
229
00:12:43,611 --> 00:12:48,191
Although if you don't get a move on
we'll leave you.
230
00:12:48,191 --> 00:12:53,591
Go, Morton. Do your duty for this
neglected, bereft husband.
231
00:12:53,591 --> 00:12:55,291
The man is bereft.
232
00:12:55,291 --> 00:12:59,451
I can feel these things. I know
what it's like to be abandoned...
233
00:12:59,451 --> 00:13:01,071
unwanted.
234
00:13:01,071 --> 00:13:02,531
Aaaaw.
235
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:12,571
Pssst!
236
00:13:13,711 --> 00:13:17,511
I believe that "Pssst" is for you.
237
00:13:17,511 --> 00:13:20,471
Come in, you're among friends.
238
00:13:20,471 --> 00:13:24,011
The trouble is when people
see you with someone
239
00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:27,031
they tend to think
you're more than good friends.
240
00:13:27,031 --> 00:13:31,031
If we are,
I can't have been paying attention.
241
00:13:31,031 --> 00:13:33,531
About our bicycle ride
this afternoon.
242
00:13:33,531 --> 00:13:39,371
A problem has arisen, in that
certain people are going for a drive
243
00:13:39,371 --> 00:13:41,931
and I'm not sure which direction.
244
00:13:41,931 --> 00:13:43,571
Did you ask?
245
00:13:43,571 --> 00:13:47,631
You can't be straightforward...
they get suspicious.
246
00:13:47,631 --> 00:13:50,591
Didn't you pick up any clues?
247
00:13:50,591 --> 00:13:53,251
I don't think they even
know where they're going.
248
00:13:53,251 --> 00:13:56,731
In that case you can
pop some idea into their heads.
249
00:13:56,731 --> 00:13:58,371
Casually, of course.
250
00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:01,431
Arouse their interest in
some place worth visiting.
251
00:14:01,431 --> 00:14:03,971
Then you'll know which direction.
252
00:14:03,971 --> 00:14:07,011
Can you do that? I can do that.
253
00:14:07,011 --> 00:14:09,571
You said you could mend my bicycle.
254
00:14:09,571 --> 00:14:11,731
I was wearing shorts.
255
00:14:11,731 --> 00:14:14,371
Where was I going to carry a puncture
outfit?
256
00:14:19,931 --> 00:14:22,831
Is he proficient at
repairing vacuum cleaners?
257
00:14:22,831 --> 00:14:25,271
He used to be Entwistle Electrics.
258
00:14:25,271 --> 00:14:28,011
Washing machines not vacuum cleaners.
259
00:14:28,011 --> 00:14:30,251
Electric motors,
what's the difference?
260
00:14:30,251 --> 00:14:31,931
BANG/CRACKLING ELECTRICITY
261
00:14:31,931 --> 00:14:33,811
OK maybe some difference.
262
00:14:36,731 --> 00:14:40,851
I was thinking of entrusting him
with all my secret hi-tech gear.
263
00:14:40,851 --> 00:14:43,011
What hi-tech?
264
00:14:43,011 --> 00:14:46,831
I've got a key ring that
squawks when you shout at it.
265
00:14:46,831 --> 00:14:48,571
I've got wife does that.
266
00:14:56,582 --> 00:14:58,962
You plug it into the lighter socket,
267
00:14:58,962 --> 00:15:01,682
red indicator comes on and bingo!
268
00:15:04,282 --> 00:15:06,582
Our own little fryer!
269
00:15:06,582 --> 00:15:10,802
For those quiet moments
when the action's over.
270
00:15:10,802 --> 00:15:13,282
Deep-fried therapy
271
00:15:13,282 --> 00:15:15,042
for taught nerves.
272
00:15:15,042 --> 00:15:17,322
I like it.
273
00:15:17,322 --> 00:15:18,942
Does it do chips?
274
00:15:18,942 --> 00:15:21,662
You'll love what it does to chips.
275
00:15:21,662 --> 00:15:24,142
They'll be hot for once.
I like 'em hot.
276
00:15:24,142 --> 00:15:25,622
Have we got any salt?
277
00:15:27,722 --> 00:15:30,162
No sweet chilli?
278
00:15:30,162 --> 00:15:31,882
It's on my wants list.
279
00:15:31,882 --> 00:15:35,602
Meanwhile you'll have
to make do with these.
280
00:15:37,322 --> 00:15:39,462
I miss the old helmet.
281
00:15:39,462 --> 00:15:41,722
You could get a full
tin of beans under that.
282
00:15:45,222 --> 00:15:51,442
Come in, come in. Pull up a...
place to stand in.
283
00:15:51,442 --> 00:15:53,942
Your vacuum cleaner looks familiar.
284
00:15:53,942 --> 00:15:56,402
Yes, we promised Morton
we'd get it back to you.
285
00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:00,782
He's not had an accident, has he?
286
00:16:00,782 --> 00:16:02,522
You can tell me.
287
00:16:02,522 --> 00:16:04,342
Poor devil,
288
00:16:04,342 --> 00:16:06,962
is that all that's left...
the vacuum cleaner?
289
00:16:08,602 --> 00:16:10,342
He's fine.
290
00:16:10,342 --> 00:16:13,262
Better than vacuum cleaner.
291
00:16:14,342 --> 00:16:18,042
Just off performing a little
errand of mercy I sent him on.
292
00:16:18,042 --> 00:16:20,722
You'll be pleased. He's fine.
293
00:16:20,722 --> 00:16:22,422
I mean, for Morton.
294
00:16:22,422 --> 00:16:25,802
Last seen fine, fit and motivated.
295
00:16:25,802 --> 00:16:27,642
Did it myself.
296
00:16:27,642 --> 00:16:30,242
I'm glad to hear it.
297
00:16:30,242 --> 00:16:33,542
He's still got a stack of ironing.
298
00:16:34,602 --> 00:16:38,562
So, where are you two heading, then?
299
00:16:38,562 --> 00:16:40,722
Wherever the fancy takes us.
300
00:16:40,722 --> 00:16:42,442
The freedom of the open road.
301
00:16:42,442 --> 00:16:45,242
I know where I'd be
going if I had a chance.
302
00:16:45,242 --> 00:16:47,862
The antiques fair at Colman's Mill.
303
00:16:47,862 --> 00:16:51,202
That's where I'd be going.
Oh, yes. Like a flash.
304
00:16:51,202 --> 00:16:53,162
You couldn't keep me away.
305
00:16:53,162 --> 00:16:56,182
Not from Colman's Mill.
306
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:59,382
Do you think he's trying
to tell us something?
307
00:16:59,382 --> 00:17:02,642
No, it's just the freedom
of the open mouth.
308
00:17:11,762 --> 00:17:12,802
Help!
309
00:17:12,802 --> 00:17:14,602
What is it, Morton?
310
00:17:14,602 --> 00:17:16,722
What has Toby got you doing now?
311
00:17:16,722 --> 00:17:20,122
It's not Toby.
It's the former Mrs Toby.
312
00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:21,802
I think I'm in trouble.
313
00:17:21,802 --> 00:17:23,762
Don't you know?
314
00:17:23,762 --> 00:17:25,982
I'm in trouble.
315
00:17:25,982 --> 00:17:28,282
It was Mr Hobdyke's idea.
316
00:17:28,282 --> 00:17:29,942
Yes, that sounds like trouble.
317
00:17:29,942 --> 00:17:32,462
Mr Hobdyke thought
I would be the best witness
318
00:17:32,462 --> 00:17:35,542
to tell Toby's wife how much
he misses her. And he's right.
319
00:17:35,542 --> 00:17:37,362
You've been closest to him.
320
00:17:37,362 --> 00:17:39,442
So have you seen Toby's wife?
321
00:17:39,442 --> 00:17:41,002
Did you tell her? Yes.
322
00:17:41,002 --> 00:17:43,602
Good stuff, Morton -
Little Mender of Marriages.
323
00:17:43,602 --> 00:17:44,982
How did she react?
324
00:17:44,982 --> 00:17:47,982
Well, you know how I've
always wanted a friend?
325
00:17:47,982 --> 00:17:49,902
Well, I think I've found one.
326
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:51,802
Toby's wife? Yes.
327
00:17:51,802 --> 00:17:54,902
Monica, er... Mrs Mowbray-Smith.
328
00:17:54,902 --> 00:17:56,902
She told me to call her Monica.
329
00:17:56,902 --> 00:17:58,742
So you've found a friend.
330
00:17:58,742 --> 00:18:01,522
I think that's nice.
How close a friend, Morton?
331
00:18:01,522 --> 00:18:04,342
I daren't tell Toby.
332
00:18:05,442 --> 00:18:07,022
As close as that?
333
00:18:10,062 --> 00:18:13,682
So you saw my wife and told her
how much I'm missing her?
334
00:18:13,682 --> 00:18:16,542
I did. I really told her.
335
00:18:16,542 --> 00:18:18,542
I knew he could do it.
336
00:18:18,542 --> 00:18:20,182
Said so at the time.
337
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,482
You said you weren't
good with women.
338
00:18:22,482 --> 00:18:24,902
I must be better than I thought.
339
00:18:24,902 --> 00:18:27,662
Told you. I spotted that.
340
00:18:27,662 --> 00:18:27,722
Looked well hidden to me.
341
00:18:27,722 --> 00:18:29,522
Well, did she buy it? How did it go?
342
00:18:32,682 --> 00:18:35,402
Well, I, er... I couldn't grumble.
343
00:18:35,402 --> 00:18:37,742
As well as could be expected really.
344
00:18:37,742 --> 00:18:39,442
Was she friendly?
345
00:18:39,442 --> 00:18:41,722
I was surprised how friendly.
346
00:18:41,722 --> 00:18:46,382
Good man. When's she having me back?
347
00:18:46,382 --> 00:18:49,382
I'll probably find out
more this afternoon.
348
00:18:49,382 --> 00:18:52,282
She insists on meeting me again.
349
00:18:52,282 --> 00:18:54,742
Well done, Morton.
350
00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:58,322
Not only sees her once, but twice.
351
00:18:58,322 --> 00:18:59,942
I call that thorough.
352
00:19:04,662 --> 00:19:06,762
You've just got to
warm up your lunch
353
00:19:06,762 --> 00:19:09,282
and make sure you turn the oven off
354
00:19:09,282 --> 00:19:11,562
and wash your mucky pots.
355
00:19:11,562 --> 00:19:13,402
How long are you going to be?
356
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:15,342
Oh, we'll be back mid-afternoon.
357
00:19:15,342 --> 00:19:19,482
It's not Colonel Fawcett's
Expedition up the Amazon.
358
00:19:19,482 --> 00:19:21,902
And what are your plans for today?
359
00:19:21,902 --> 00:19:24,922
Oh, I expect I'll just
potter about the house.
360
00:19:26,502 --> 00:19:30,402
And don't forget the antique's fair
at... Colman's Mill.
361
00:19:30,402 --> 00:19:32,442
It's engraved on my ear.
362
00:19:34,962 --> 00:19:36,862
Happy pottering.
363
00:19:49,742 --> 00:19:51,022
Where has Morton got to?
364
00:19:51,022 --> 00:19:53,882
He knows how
important this is to me.
365
00:19:53,882 --> 00:19:55,482
Relax, Toby.
366
00:19:55,482 --> 00:19:57,642
You're in sympathetic hands.
367
00:19:57,642 --> 00:19:59,602
I know what loneliness is.
368
00:19:59,602 --> 00:20:01,942
Once in Siberia...
369
00:20:01,942 --> 00:20:05,922
was it a dream
or was it memory returning?
370
00:20:05,922 --> 00:20:08,922
With you, probably dream.
371
00:20:08,922 --> 00:20:11,482
Probably tall story returning.
372
00:20:11,482 --> 00:20:15,422
But it's all so vivid, so real.
373
00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:19,382
I was trapped that season
until the ice could melt.
374
00:20:19,382 --> 00:20:21,722
No living soul for two hundred miles.
375
00:20:21,722 --> 00:20:25,382
Just me and this tin of sardines.
376
00:20:25,382 --> 00:20:28,042
In oil or brine?
377
00:20:28,042 --> 00:20:30,142
Fortunately oil.
378
00:20:30,142 --> 00:20:34,602
I was able to use it to prevent
chapped lips. I hate chapped lips.
379
00:20:34,602 --> 00:20:36,762
I hate sardines.
380
00:20:36,762 --> 00:20:38,282
Please don't say that.
381
00:20:38,282 --> 00:20:40,062
They helped me to survive.
382
00:20:40,062 --> 00:20:43,162
Can we forget the fish
and get back to my problem?
383
00:20:43,162 --> 00:20:45,102
Where is Morton?
384
00:20:45,102 --> 00:20:49,802
He'll be here. I expect he's getting
dressed smartly for the occasion.
385
00:20:49,802 --> 00:20:51,982
Quite right too.
386
00:20:51,982 --> 00:20:57,002
I can't have Monica thinking
I mix with the poor and needy.
387
00:21:03,302 --> 00:21:06,562
Ye Gods on roller-skates!
388
00:21:06,562 --> 00:21:09,562
You can't go looking like that.
389
00:21:09,562 --> 00:21:11,862
It might be wiser.
390
00:21:11,862 --> 00:21:16,922
I'm not having you consorting
with my wife in that condition.
391
00:21:16,922 --> 00:21:18,502
Leave it with me.
392
00:21:18,502 --> 00:21:20,602
Do something with his hair.
393
00:21:20,602 --> 00:21:23,882
You're in good hands.
He knows cure for chapped lips.
394
00:21:44,842 --> 00:21:47,322
Are we really going in this?
395
00:21:47,322 --> 00:21:49,222
How novel.
396
00:21:49,222 --> 00:21:51,602
I'll put Morton in the cab.
397
00:21:51,602 --> 00:21:54,142
We need to keep him
looking respectable.
398
00:21:54,142 --> 00:21:56,982
I'll go with him then I
can brief him as we drive.
399
00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:59,402
Maybe I could do all
this by telephone.
400
00:21:59,402 --> 00:22:02,942
No, no. Nothing like face-to-face.
401
00:22:04,782 --> 00:22:07,322
I think your legs are dyslexic.
402
00:22:07,322 --> 00:22:09,322
You're like a sleepwalking giraffe.
403
00:22:09,322 --> 00:22:11,622
I have to favour this leg.
404
00:22:11,622 --> 00:22:16,442
It was once trapped under
a sumo wrestler. I daren't say more.
405
00:22:29,562 --> 00:22:31,382
Not too near. Not too near.
406
00:22:31,483 --> 00:22:34,502
I don't want my wife
to see me in this thing.
407
00:22:45,582 --> 00:22:48,162
The wheel, where's the wheel?
The wheel.
408
00:22:55,322 --> 00:22:56,682
I'm not ready for this.
409
00:22:56,682 --> 00:22:58,522
Of course you're ready.
410
00:22:58,522 --> 00:23:00,722
I've briefed you thoroughly.
411
00:23:00,722 --> 00:23:06,342
You should by now have a grasp
of all the lies that are necessary.
412
00:23:06,342 --> 00:23:09,522
Morton, who chose you for this?
413
00:23:09,522 --> 00:23:11,782
You did. Then trust me.
414
00:23:11,782 --> 00:23:13,642
I'm a judge of men.
415
00:23:13,642 --> 00:23:15,142
You will go into that house
416
00:23:15,142 --> 00:23:18,162
and bring about a magical
change in Toby's prospects.
417
00:23:19,722 --> 00:23:21,762
You don't know the half of it.
418
00:23:32,542 --> 00:23:35,722
How long is the man
going to be in there?
419
00:23:35,722 --> 00:23:39,622
It's a good sign. If she hasn't
sent him packing straightaway.
420
00:23:39,622 --> 00:23:41,982
You think he's making progress?
421
00:23:41,982 --> 00:23:44,442
I do. I really do.
422
00:23:44,442 --> 00:23:47,402
I owe you one for this, Hobdyke.
423
00:23:47,402 --> 00:23:49,962
Please. It's what I'm for.
424
00:23:49,962 --> 00:23:51,962
It's what we do...
425
00:23:51,962 --> 00:23:53,802
my team and I.
426
00:23:57,522 --> 00:24:01,922
That's Monica. Getting the Jag.
427
00:24:01,922 --> 00:24:04,642
My Jag.
428
00:24:04,642 --> 00:24:07,782
Could she be bringing it back to me?
429
00:24:07,782 --> 00:24:10,462
That would be a nice gesture.
I'd like that.
430
00:24:19,122 --> 00:24:20,862
Come on, love, get 'int car.
431
00:24:25,762 --> 00:24:30,222
You see how glad she is he's
brought us back together again?
432
00:24:45,502 --> 00:24:49,002
Did you see that?
The little ingrate!
433
00:24:49,002 --> 00:24:53,122
Whose idea was it to put
my wife in the clutches of that...
434
00:24:53,122 --> 00:24:54,742
that gigolo?
435
00:24:56,722 --> 00:24:58,682
There he goes!
436
00:24:58,682 --> 00:25:02,362
With not only my wife, my Jag.
437
00:25:02,362 --> 00:25:04,282
Hobdyke...
438
00:25:04,282 --> 00:25:06,842
this is your doing, Hobdyke!
439
00:25:12,182 --> 00:25:15,442
How was I to know, eh?
How can he blame me?
440
00:25:15,442 --> 00:25:17,462
You do a person a favour...
441
00:25:17,462 --> 00:25:20,342
She practically kidnapped old Morton.
442
00:25:20,342 --> 00:25:24,182
I mean, I told him to look cuddly,
but not that cuddly!
443
00:25:36,962 --> 00:25:39,942
I'm sorry, this bush is taken.
444
00:25:43,102 --> 00:25:47,202
Oh, my, Mr Hobdyke.
Might one offer you a lift?
445
00:25:55,842 --> 00:25:58,202
I saw them from the road.
446
00:25:58,202 --> 00:26:00,162
A couple sneaking in here.
447
00:26:00,162 --> 00:26:02,042
And your first thought was?
448
00:26:02,042 --> 00:26:03,402
Exactly!
449
00:26:03,402 --> 00:26:05,182
I'll kill him.
450
00:26:08,602 --> 00:26:10,262
Listen.
451
00:26:18,042 --> 00:26:19,982
Sorry, wrong number.
452
00:26:23,842 --> 00:26:26,182
I feel so embarrassed.
453
00:26:26,182 --> 00:26:29,462
Well, at least you now know
it's not him behind every bush.
454
00:26:29,462 --> 00:26:30,482
DISTANT GROAN
455
00:26:30,482 --> 00:26:31,522
Listen.
456
00:26:31,522 --> 00:26:33,922
Oh, hold me tight.
457
00:26:33,922 --> 00:26:36,482
How about behind every second bush!
458
00:26:36,482 --> 00:26:41,322
Oh, no, please.
Put your arms around me, please.
459
00:26:42,762 --> 00:26:43,822
Sorry.
460
00:26:43,822 --> 00:26:46,442
I thought it was someone I knew.
461
00:26:46,442 --> 00:26:48,862
Please, it's me. You know me.
462
00:26:48,862 --> 00:26:51,902
I wonder if you could detach me
from Miss Davenport?
463
00:26:51,902 --> 00:26:54,802
I shouldn't be out here
in sniper country.
464
00:26:59,682 --> 00:27:03,382
I can't get used to finding a bush
with no Howard in it.
465
00:27:03,382 --> 00:27:04,502
Come on.
466
00:27:10,662 --> 00:27:11,902
HE SIGHS
467
00:27:11,902 --> 00:27:14,642
Helping people can be trickier
than people think.
468
00:27:14,642 --> 00:27:16,362
I felt safer in Albania.
469
00:27:16,362 --> 00:27:18,202
The women weren't as dangerous.
470
00:27:18,202 --> 00:27:19,822
The beards were a great help
471
00:27:19,822 --> 00:27:22,362
in keeping down
the emotional temperature.
472
00:27:27,562 --> 00:27:30,022
Where's Toby? Gone golfing.
473
00:27:30,022 --> 00:27:31,602
Where were you going?
474
00:27:31,602 --> 00:27:33,242
Crazy!
475
00:27:33,242 --> 00:27:35,722
Hop in. We'll come with you.
476
00:28:00,922 --> 00:28:03,762
How many sardines? Six.
477
00:28:03,762 --> 00:28:05,902
To last you six months?
478
00:28:05,902 --> 00:28:08,542
I ate five slowly
and kept number six.
479
00:28:08,542 --> 00:28:11,422
So long, in fact,
we formed a relationship.
480
00:28:11,422 --> 00:28:16,022
Now the dilemma, should I eat it,
or keep it for company?
481
00:28:42,522 --> 00:28:45,422
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