All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine s30e04 Whos That Looking Sideways at Nelly.eng

First prize for sponge cakes.

She's not above buying one and
tarting it up.

Do I detect a note of envy?

No, you don't.

I've got better reasons than
baking for not liking her.

Your Wilf again?

Good guess.

Are you sure he
drank himself to death?

Sounds like to me
he was overstressed.

My Wilf regarded getting up
in a morning as overstress.

I can never understand
why I miss the bad beggar.

You could bake for me.
Women lose their touch if they don't have a man to bake for.

It's a scientific fact.

There's not a pickin' on you.

I don't want people
thinking I feed you.

I'm fashionably slim.

You're a bad advert for not smoking.

You're a non-smoker now.

Only just.

Hello, I'm Morton Beamish.

Didn't you use to be Herman Teasdale?

I've never seen him before.

Who tells them?

You know she married a Norwegian?

Where did she find one? In Norway.

Apparently, there's no shortage.

Used to hit me at school
with her skipping-rope handle.

I assumed we were engaged.

You're going to be sad now, all day.

Probably.

I had a dream last night.

I dreamt I was getting off a bus
and Putin was waiting.

And I got off, and he got on

and he never even looked at me.

Was bus on time?

What does that matter?

I like happy ending.

A bus on time is a happy ending?

On windy days...good enough for me.

You'll have to excuse him.
He's an idiot.

I thought we decided
Hobbo was the idiot.

We did, but now I can see
I'm surrounded by idiots.

Make good team.

You see what my dream means?
You have boring dreams.

It means that my cover as a milkman
was so good that even my enemies never knew that I was Ace Hobdyke...

secret agent.

Some people have trouble believing
you were much of a milkman.

You drop one bottle.

They never forget.

Well, it must be admitted.

In your Primrose Dairy apron, you
never looked like MI5's top killer.

I never said number one.

I was in the top three and pushing,

but I was held back by
professional jealousy

and the rumour that
I wore baggy boxer shorts.

You do. I've seen them on your line.

I'm not ashamed. I'm a firm
believer in baggy boxer shorts.

Some agents used to conceal
an extra weapon down their sock.

I had room for a small arsenal.

People with small arsenals
should not wear baggy boxer shorts.

I woke slightly headish this morning.

It's probably nothing.

I wouldn't count on that.
You look terrible.

Doesn't he look terrible?

I thought he was dead.

I'm not listening.
I know exactly what it is.

It's a mood thing.

The curse of being a sensitive soul.

We guessed that, didn't we?

I always used to feel like this every
time I'd had to strangle somebody.

As you do. It's a longish job
you know, strangling people.

Before you've finished,
you've actually got quite close.

There's a kind of bonding thing.

You miss them once they've gone.

Anybody we knew?

No, no, this was before I retired.

I haven't strangled anybody for ages.

And, of course,
people are only too willing

to believe the dozy muffin.

I hope YOU believe ME.

Of course I believe you.

Then stop smirking.

Oh, come on, it's worth a smirk.

Somebody comes out of
your past and calls you Mother.

He's not out of MY past.

We all have our secrets,
but not that size.

Really?

What are these secrets?

We all thought you were such a lady.

Apart from a few lapses
of no concern to anybody,

you were quite right. I am a lady.

Put your little finger down.

It's going to take more than
that to stop people talking.

And this sneaking off in
the afternoon thing's not doing you any favours.

I am pursuing a private objective.

Nobody's sneaking.

They're talking.

I intend to raise
this little finger proudly

in the face of all suspicions.

Look at him!

It used to be just a twitch.

These are facial-muscle exercises.

I'm doing these deliberately.

If I did that, I'd feel like a twit.

Don't you always feel like a twit?

You should. Don't be modest.

You think I do good twit?

Like a native. Did I ever tell you
that, as agents in the field,

we had to be masters of disguise?

I believe you mentioned it.

200 times.

And one of the ways was to change
the look on one's face.

What do you think?

Oh, I believe her.
She's not his mother.

He's a muffin. He was always leaving
me double cream I hadn't ordered.

He used to leave
me the wrong butter.

Mind you, he was always polite.

I used to feel terrible
for shouting at him.

If Nelly's got nothing to hide,

she wants to stop sneaking off
somewhere every afternoon. I've told her.

But have you asked
her where she goes?

You can't just go around
asking people their business.

Of course I've asked her.
She won't say.

Got to be no good, then, hasn't it?

We don't know that.

Although it's not for
the want of trying.

I know she gets ratty when you start
talking about no smoke without fire.

Why am I talking about smoking?

I'm supposed to be trying
to forget smoking.

We all forget how we used to be.

Meaning what?

Meaning no smoke without fire.

We've all played with
matches in our time.

Not for a long time.

I've seen you at the back of
the dance hall with a Polish airman.

Only because you were
there with his friend.

Keeping an eye on you.

If your Pole was anything like
my Pole,

you would have needed both eyes
where they belonged.

SHE SIGHS

I met my Wilf at a dance.

He was running the bar.

And the barmaid.

I thought she was his mother.

Are you sure you
dropped it in the shop?

If you knew how much I missed it,
you wouldn't doubt me.

How valuable was it?

Go on! Make me out to be money mad.

Have you ever heard of
sentimental value?

For a pound coin?

You get sentimental where you want.

I've got my own agenda.

When was the last time
you remember handling it?

Last August.

It was a sweltering hot day.

I was careless.

I was upset.

Somebody had just died...

before he'd finished paying
for a clock he'd had repaired.

It must have fallen out of my purse.

Aye, through a zip and three locks.

There's only one lock.

You don't look
like you're going jogging.

I'll change when I get in
the countryside.

I don't like wearing
shorts in built-up areas.

Oh, I've always rather
liked your built-up areas.

Why don't you wear a tracksuit?

I like my knees free
when I'm at speed.

You don't expect to hear
things like that from a person in insurance circles.

BELL RINGS

Of course you don't always need
beards and tricks.

You can use the facial muscles.

What's he doing with
his face out of control?

Have no fear. This is he who strikes
terror in Her Majesty's enemies.

He's not doing much
good for me either.

This is The Shadow. I can see
where the bulb's a bit dim.

Of course,

a change of outer
clothing never hurts.

Good day, madam. I believe you
have a theatrical department.

Best for miles.

I can't see any coin. Yah!

What's up with him?

We think it's being rejected
by his mother.

Also has bad leg-to-brain ratio.

Never spring up at me again.

It could be fatal for you.

I can't always slow
this right hand down.

Slow it down?

We had time for tea and sandwiches.

You remember Morton. Morton Beamish.

He used to be Herman Teasdale.

I'm trying to forget that.

Yes, I know Morton.

How are you, Mr Tea... Beamish?

Bearing up.

Are you going jogging
this morning, Toby?

I intend to get back into shape,
show the wife what she's missing.

Though why it should be
necessary is beyond me.

You'd think she could see that
I'm tremendously attractive,

even if a little overweight
and out of condition.

Have you met Morton?

Used to be Herman Teasdale.

Yes, we know Morton.

How long's she going
to keep him back there?

Listen, once she gets them
back there, there's no telling.

I've known them have
to send out for food.

You got kitchen? I could soon
whip up food I was raised on.

Egg foo yung?

Black pudding. Pickled tripe.

GERMAN ACCENT:
Dis is for how much, ja?

Hands in pockets.
Do not touch anything.

Do not cross the red line.

I'll be with you as soon as I've
chained up these two Rottweilers.

Vhere, please, is Rottweiler?

She used to have one, we had to give
it back. It was terrified of her.

Wo ist red line?

It's in the Market Place.

The red line, not the Red Lion.

I thought he said Red Lion.

Red line imaginary line...
like Equator.

And just as hot when you cross it.

Where's Hobbo? Isn't he ready yet?

He's ready. He's behind you.

Nobody spots The Shadow.

Knew it was him all time.

The worst German accent
we've ever heard.

Hitler sounded better.

I thought he was German.

Hitler?

No... he came from Hartlepool.

He had to move to Germany because he
couldn't handle the Geordie accent.

I never knew that.
Well, think about it.

"Away man" doesn't hack
it like "schnell schnell".

That's it, then.
The old antenna's bleeping.

What were that lot up to? What lot?

You're supposed to be
the observer on this team.

You're supposed to
be our eyes and ears.

I were looking at you.
You were talking.

It seemed rude to be
looking anywhere else.

Well, I'm tickled you've got
lovely manners,

but it's not a lot of comfort
thinking my life

could be in your hands
and you're not even awake.

I shan't look at you again.

If you want to talk, the most you'll
be talking to is this right ear.

Well, I hope it's more
alert than the rest of you.

Didn't see those blokes
acting suspicious? Doing what?

Hiding behind that parked car.

How many?

Looks like three. Three?

That's one more than us.

Now you're waking up.

Acting really suspiciously?

Very.

Suppose it isn't three.

Suppose when we get there
there's 15?

It's not that big a car.

So, 12 of them walked here.

Came from different directions.

It would draw less
attention that way.

Crafty! Good point.

Actually, they didn't
look all that suspicious.

My guess would be
amateur football team.

11 players, a referee,
two linesmen.

That's 14.

Somebody's uncle come to watch.
There's your 15.

Fair enough.

Bravery's been discontinued
anyway since health and safety.

I find you very...

..attractive.

Attractive?

I wonder could you direct me, please,

to historical places of interest?

Can I!

I vos nicht planning so far to go.

How far were you thinking of going?

Tell her I'm mean with money.

It's Yorkshire, love. We all are.

I bet that's me
going through it again.

No.

We're saving you till later.

So who is it this time?

Another strange man.

We were talking about my Travis.

So you see,
you're not the only one that's loopy.

What's Travis done?

He's locked himself
in the shed again

because I won't tell him
where I go in the afternoons.

Where do you go in the afternoons?

Oh, look! Is it that time already?

I'm not sure I like you
associating with people

whose husbands don't know
where they go in the afternoons.

I don't want to make
a direct order of it,

but I feel it's something
you should think about.

Why don't you give it a rest before
your mouth finds your foot in it?

Why is Hobdyke wearing
glasses and that young lady?

We think it's all part of
his search for a mother.

She's not the motherly type.

Voice of experience.

It was just a wild guess.

Ah zo! Vot day is this in English?

It could be bigger than you think.

You vill excuse me haff to.

Mein Messerschmitt is at ze cleaners.

Oh, Mr Hobdyke...

your twitch is back.

You knew it was me?

I never forget a bad accent.

She's penetrated my disguise.

Oh, I wonder how(!)

You must be a lady
of acute perception.

I'm a lady of a cute several items.

Ask anybody.

I wouldn't say anybody.

You know what this means?

I'll have to change.

I've never been uncovered before.

Me, a man who once spent three weeks
pretending to be a Mr Igor Globnik.

Two of them with Mrs Globnik.

This is the way to loosen up,
you know.

Lots of nerves pass through the neck.

You should try this yourselves.

I can't wait.

I do this
whenever I'm in a bit of a flutter.

It helps me rediscover
my calm centre.

Did you know he had a calm centre?

It must be behind his twitch.

I learned this stuff
from a holy man in Tibet.

I think it was Tibet.
Or could be Thames Ditton.

You see all this gorgeous scenery,

and you can't help asking,

what are we doing for lunch?

Don't talk to me about lunch.

That woman nearly had me for lunch.

Marina's bark worse than bite.

He's lying. Don't listen to him.

You were within inches of
your eyeballs steaming up.

I'm driving myself through the pain
barrier, but I think it's working.

I'm loosening up.

It's uncanny you know, the power
the trained mind has over matter.

HIS NECK CLICKS

What's the matter?

My neck,

I think it's stuck.

Yes. I was right. It's stuck.

It seems to be locked.

Perhaps I should have loosened up
more before I did the tricky stuff.

Don't worry. I can deal with it.

It's happened before.

It's just a question of
ignoring the pain

and waiting for
the right moment to...

There, you see?

Aargh!

Could somebody...please...

Er, chaps? Team...

My team.

Over to me...

please.

That looks illegal.
They're trying to break his neck.

In broad daylight.

I hate that.
That's contempt for law and order.

You'd think they'd wait till dark.

Look, hang on!

They're letting him go.

No, they're not.

They're taking him prisoner.

CLICK

Ooh, they've bent his
neck something terrible.

Probably a Mob thing.

Brought him out here to bury him.

Oh, well...
as long as it's nothing serious(!)

Do you mind! Stop letting
your imagination run wild.

Well, what else can it be?

Couple of chiropractors working
on his neck.

Out here? They go anywhere.

You've heard of the flying doctor.

They're the flying chiropractors.

Where's their aircraft? All right.

It was just a theory.

You go on ahead.

I'll just die here quietly.

I'm not leaving him.
Of course not. Nobody's leaving him.

He's lucky he's got us. You don't
find loyalty like that every day.

No, no. Unhand me.

I can't give in.

There's a little wife back
home, probably pining for me.

Quite a big wife actually.

In fact, she's got a backside
like a tram.

Is it any wonder men go astray?

You've seen her. What's she like?
It's only a small tram.

I think he's secretly
still in love with her.

I think you believe in fairies.

An oasis.

He said we'd soon see
benefits of exercise.

I'm a little off balance.

That's certainly our opinion.

You want us twist neck back?

No, no. I'll do it gradually.

We'll be gentle.

You promise?

Of course, I don't mind pain.

I can stand any amount of pain.

I just
don't want you to dirty my collar.

Aargh! Aargh!

It's no good. I can't stand this.

So, what, then?

I think
a finger in each ear, don't you?

He could have ridden inside.

I told him. He said,

"Leader does not allow pain
to alter plans."

I sometime think his head's
turned further than sideways.

Where's he gone?

Could have said goodbye.

Help me up!

Help you up?

With your neck like that,
do you know which way is up?

HE GROANS

Why did you pull in here?

You need drink.

I do now.

Isn't he speaking to you?

Never looks you in eye.

Looks you in the ear mostly.

Ignore them.
I just keep them for simple duties.

There's no blood.

You don't get a lot of
that from strangulation.

They could have cut his tongue out.

Like they do.
It's a warning to keep silent.

You're looking very thoughtful.

What is it?

I was wondering if,
while we're here,

do you fancy ordering a sandwich?

Ploughman's. Extra pickle.

You'll have it all
over the car again.

I'll eat it outside.

I can't understand people
who find jogging boring.

Are we bored?

Never. Even in built-up areas.

I'll drink to that.

No, this won't do.

I must go and relocate my trousers.

Relocating my trousers
has been my downfall.

I strongly recommend against it.

Did we have trousers?

Hello!

Where are you lot off to?

We thought back to the car
seemed like a good idea.

Whoa! You can't drive like that.

Toby says I'm fine.

I so admire his tee shot,

I am not disposed to argue
the matter.

We'll have to take them.
He'll have to drive.

Looking sideways?

He's the only one who
hasn't had a drink.

Key!

How's he going to drive
with his head on sideways?

Badly.

We better follow that lot.

The benefits of whiplash.

How about that?

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