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1
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:10,100
I know what the wife's
sister's getting for Christmas.
2
00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:16,180
A pimple. Side of her nose.
3
00:00:16,180 --> 00:00:18,500
It's developing really nicely.
4
00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:23,620
You make it sound like she's
entering it for a competition.
5
00:00:23,620 --> 00:00:26,560
She could - she's on a winner there.
6
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:31,160
It's the wrong end, otherwise
I'd think it was a rear light.
7
00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:37,540
You seem to be remarkably
well-informed about a pimple that's only related to you by marriage.
8
00:00:37,540 --> 00:00:40,340
It's there every morning
across the breakfast table.
9
00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:42,500
It's hard not to stare.
10
00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:46,580
I'm not supposed to look,
but it draws you.
11
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:52,500
It's not so bad with porridge,
but I hate the way it moves with anything...chewy.
12
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:57,760
Maybe you could
convert her to yoghurt.
13
00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:03,380
Yoghurt? She'd think that's
a long-haired wild animal.
14
00:01:03,380 --> 00:01:05,540
I thought she thought that was you!
15
00:01:05,540 --> 00:01:07,680
She did.
16
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:10,640
She thinks I'm a primrose.
17
00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:13,380
But a really macho primrose.
18
00:01:14,460 --> 00:01:17,200
Stares fearlessly at pimples.
19
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:21,460
Unless it's chewy! But who says
you're not supposed to look?
20
00:01:21,460 --> 00:01:23,620
They gang up on me.
21
00:01:23,620 --> 00:01:25,020
Look at him.
22
00:01:25,020 --> 00:01:28,340
He's staring at your pimple.
23
00:01:28,340 --> 00:01:30,860
That's three of them
I've got to worry about now.
24
00:01:36,220 --> 00:01:39,740
D'you think this is
fooling anybody, Howard?
25
00:01:39,740 --> 00:01:42,500
I think it looks very natural.
26
00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:46,680
I think it's a great way of
keeping in touch over Christmas.
27
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:51,540
I have to tell you, it rates
very low on my excitement scale.
28
00:01:51,540 --> 00:01:57,040
To add some variety,
we could always change bus stops.
29
00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:58,900
Merry Christmas, Howard.
30
00:02:03,460 --> 00:02:04,460
PING!
31
00:02:07,820 --> 00:02:09,060
PING!
32
00:02:18,820 --> 00:02:20,460
There you go.
33
00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:31,460
Errol Flynn did it better.
34
00:02:31,460 --> 00:02:33,920
Shirley Temple did better.
35
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:36,760
It's too cuddly.
36
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:40,260
How can you bring yourself to
slaughter a creature like that?
37
00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:43,300
What do you think
Robin Hood used to do?
38
00:02:44,380 --> 00:02:46,740
I bet he lived on tinned stuff.
39
00:02:46,740 --> 00:02:49,240
You're not really a
killer are you, Billy?
40
00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:52,340
Well, it's Christmas.
What can you do?
41
00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:58,860
But the day after Boxing Day
they'll see hard Billy Hardcastle back on form! Hard?
42
00:02:58,860 --> 00:03:01,540
It's women that have to be hard.
43
00:03:01,540 --> 00:03:03,760
And you're doing nicely, Mrs Batty.
44
00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:08,580
We have to because men are
such big tulips! Tulips!
45
00:03:08,580 --> 00:03:11,580
All right, stand back, stand back.
46
00:03:11,580 --> 00:03:14,400
This is hard Billy Hardcastle...
47
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:18,500
..with his bow,
ruthless when he has to be.
48
00:03:22,020 --> 00:03:23,900
Useless is closer.
49
00:03:23,900 --> 00:03:28,940
It's no good, I can't kill anything
with fur. I'm a people person.
50
00:03:28,940 --> 00:03:31,600
I see your wife's sister
has a nasty pimple.
51
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:33,940
Oh God, that's done it.
52
00:03:33,940 --> 00:03:35,660
She'll think I've blabbed.
53
00:03:35,660 --> 00:03:39,120
I keep telling her,
outlaws don't talk.
54
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:41,140
Has she tried honey?
55
00:03:41,140 --> 00:03:44,980
Who are you calling honey? I thought
we'd agreed to be just good friends.
56
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:52,460
An empty snooker-cue container.
57
00:03:55,220 --> 00:03:58,460
It's what we've always
wanted for Christmas.
58
00:04:00,180 --> 00:04:05,500
There must be a million things
one can do with an empty snooker-cue container.
59
00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:07,600
It's not for Christmas.
60
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,540
It's for any time.
61
00:04:09,540 --> 00:04:13,240
Oh, an empty snooker-cue
container for any time.
62
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:16,280
Will I have to wear
a fancy waistcoat?
63
00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:18,080
It's not for using.
64
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,560
It's just for appearance.
65
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:26,100
And we can all guess what they'll
make of two loonies walking around with empty snooker-cue containers.
66
00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:29,680
Three.
67
00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,860
People won't know it's empty.
68
00:04:31,860 --> 00:04:35,200
They'll just assume
we're going to play snooker.
69
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,140
And what's in it for you, Howard?
70
00:04:37,140 --> 00:04:42,080
Well, if you happened to walk past
my house carrying a snooker cue,
71
00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:45,580
I could join you
carrying my snooker cue.
72
00:04:45,580 --> 00:04:49,780
And we could all go off
without arousing any suspicions.
73
00:04:49,780 --> 00:04:50,840
Hmm.
74
00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:51,900
Get...!
75
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,320
It's quite nice out.
76
00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:00,380
Aren't you going out?
77
00:05:00,380 --> 00:05:01,840
Glenda?
78
00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:06,340
Do you realise how much
out there is?
79
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:07,840
You don't have to overdo it.
80
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:10,420
Just stretch your legs.
81
00:05:10,420 --> 00:05:14,980
Billions of light years of space
and it goes on forever.
82
00:05:14,980 --> 00:05:17,420
Take the car.
83
00:05:17,420 --> 00:05:21,240
You're not listening.
OK, now I'm listening.
84
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:24,920
Look at me, Barry, I'm doing...
"person listening".
85
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,140
Come here.
86
00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:29,080
Look out the window.
87
00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:32,340
Looking out of window.
Right, done that.
88
00:05:32,340 --> 00:05:35,700
Doesn't it make you feel small,
insignificant?
89
00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:38,000
No. We're as good as they are.
90
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,220
I don't care if she does
have a 42-inch plasma screen.
91
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,600
Don't damage the chair.
92
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:49,400
Don't tell me, tell Santa.
93
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,540
He's sitting in it.
94
00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:58,900
Who's going on the truck
and who's staying? Oh!
95
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:02,980
Then they say it makes a lady's
heart flutter to see men in uniform.
96
00:06:02,980 --> 00:06:04,780
It was your idea!
97
00:06:04,780 --> 00:06:06,360
We didn't volunteer.
98
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:11,760
This thing is not
as warm as my dressing gown. Haven't you got anything thicker?
99
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:13,940
Oh, look who's asking to be thicker.
100
00:06:14,860 --> 00:06:17,880
At least you get truck.
Should be reindeer.
101
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:21,400
And that's another thing.
Can't we ride in the cab?
102
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:23,260
Oh, you've got to be seen!
103
00:06:23,260 --> 00:06:24,720
You're no good in the cab.
104
00:06:26,460 --> 00:06:30,560
And don't stand too close together.
You look like Santa's had a pup.
105
00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:33,660
You're giving Christmas a bad name.
106
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:37,100
It's freezing out here. It's going
to be worse on that truck.
107
00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:42,020
Good truck. Air conditioned...
in back anyway.
108
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:46,260
One of you goes and one of you
stays here in Santa's grotto.
109
00:06:46,260 --> 00:06:47,860
Toss a coin for it.
110
00:06:47,860 --> 00:06:50,380
Use your own coin,
I haven't any change on me.
111
00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:58,060
Heads.
112
00:06:58,060 --> 00:06:59,980
Tails!
113
00:06:59,980 --> 00:07:02,540
You never gave me time to see it.
114
00:07:02,540 --> 00:07:05,040
Trust me, I'm your friend.
115
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,020
Man and his machine.
116
00:07:16,020 --> 00:07:22,500
It's all there, isn't it?
The masculine need to continually expand the envelope.
117
00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:25,200
Just removing the odd squeak.
118
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:28,720
Going somewhere where
squeaks dare not tread, are we?
119
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:31,520
It's just a little
routine maintenance.
120
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:36,080
Does that mean you're
not going somewhere? I hadn't really thought about it.
121
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,340
Perhaps if the occasion arises...
122
00:07:38,340 --> 00:07:41,020
And what might that occasion be?
123
00:07:41,020 --> 00:07:43,460
Well, you never know
what may come along.
124
00:07:43,460 --> 00:07:45,460
Oh yes, I do.
125
00:07:45,460 --> 00:07:47,900
I know very well
what may come along.
126
00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:49,020
DOOR OPENS
127
00:07:49,020 --> 00:07:52,620
Oh look! Clegg and Truly
going out to play!
128
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,980
I think I'll make it a threesome.
129
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:07,820
You see, I told you it would work.
130
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:09,880
The drinks are on you, Howard.
131
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,720
Oh... Do you think we've got time?
132
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:13,180
Yes.
133
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,640
HE WHIMPERS
134
00:08:35,820 --> 00:08:37,620
I've had enough of this.
135
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:44,940
Oh, no!
136
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,540
I didn't think they played.
137
00:08:58,540 --> 00:09:02,360
I didn't think they did
anything else. Snooker!
138
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:05,600
They've never been notorious
for games of skill.
139
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,580
They see things on television.
140
00:09:07,580 --> 00:09:10,220
I hope they didn't
see it last night.
141
00:09:10,220 --> 00:09:14,380
If they start playing games
in here like that, they'll be barred, I can tell you.
142
00:09:14,380 --> 00:09:17,100
Oh, you shouldn't watch those bits.
143
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:18,900
I don't.
144
00:09:18,900 --> 00:09:23,460
When they start flaunting every
moving part, I make a cup of tea.
145
00:09:24,460 --> 00:09:26,480
You must be waterlogged.
146
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:29,880
I wasn't watching,
I was changing channels.
147
00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,140
It comes leaping out at you.
148
00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:38,580
You can see things with
a remote control you never saw in 40 years of marriage.
149
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:43,300
Look at him twitching.
He wants to be off.
150
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:46,040
Well, I do have another appointment.
151
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:49,100
Well, I'm sure that
does surprise us. Off you go, then.
152
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:55,860
Take these things with you. Yes,
and the sooner the better. I feel such a fraud carrying this thing.
153
00:09:55,860 --> 00:09:59,480
But I can't take all three.
It's not natural.
154
00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:01,460
(It looks suspicious.)
155
00:10:01,460 --> 00:10:05,300
Oh dear, who'd ever imagine
Howard looking suspicious(?)
156
00:10:13,369 --> 00:10:14,849
HORN HOOTS
157
00:10:18,089 --> 00:10:20,209
Merry Christmas from me and Santa.
158
00:10:21,809 --> 00:10:25,329
Tell him same from us.
You tell him. He's in truck.
159
00:10:25,329 --> 00:10:26,529
Oh.
160
00:10:28,409 --> 00:10:30,049
WHIMPERING
161
00:10:32,289 --> 00:10:33,889
Not any more.
162
00:10:45,289 --> 00:10:48,209
Whatever have you done
that's so destructive?
163
00:10:48,209 --> 00:10:51,089
Oh, Howard, it alters
your whole personality.
164
00:10:51,089 --> 00:10:53,569
The playboy element's just gone.
165
00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:55,409
It's nothing.
166
00:10:55,409 --> 00:10:58,429
It's just this metal thing
down me trousers.
167
00:11:02,809 --> 00:11:06,049
How long have you had a metal
thing down your trousers?
168
00:11:06,049 --> 00:11:08,169
You never mentioned it before.
169
00:11:08,169 --> 00:11:10,169
It wasn't there before.
170
00:11:11,749 --> 00:11:14,849
You've grown a metal thing
down your trousers?
171
00:11:14,849 --> 00:11:17,549
No. I put it there.
172
00:11:19,989 --> 00:11:22,809
You put a metal thing
down your trousers?
173
00:11:22,809 --> 00:11:24,809
It's just a little idea I had.
174
00:11:29,809 --> 00:11:31,889
Why are we hiding them?
175
00:11:31,889 --> 00:11:34,369
What's wrong with carrying them?
176
00:11:35,409 --> 00:11:39,609
I don't want a reputation
at my age of being a snooker player.
177
00:11:39,609 --> 00:11:41,629
It clashes with my lifestyle.
178
00:11:42,889 --> 00:11:45,769
And how would you
describe your lifestyle?
179
00:11:45,769 --> 00:11:48,749
Oh, it's at the cutting edge
of boring.
180
00:11:49,949 --> 00:11:54,169
You'd prefer us to get a reputation
for walking stiff-legged?
181
00:11:54,169 --> 00:11:56,829
Well, it's hardly noticeable.
182
00:12:04,489 --> 00:12:08,829
If tha's walking like that
because of a pimple, it must be strategically placed.
183
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:14,289
I only once seen a bloke who walked
like that, and he was foreign... so you didn't like to ask.
184
00:12:16,049 --> 00:12:20,089
Walking like what?
Come off it, like that.
185
00:12:20,089 --> 00:12:24,109
Unlucky when legs face wrong
direction. Bad feng shui.
186
00:12:25,729 --> 00:12:29,069
We're walking like this,
if you must know,
187
00:12:29,069 --> 00:12:35,209
because concealed down our trousers
is an empty snooker-cue container.
188
00:12:35,209 --> 00:12:38,609
For which we have
a perfectly good explanation.
189
00:12:38,609 --> 00:12:42,889
Stop messing about. Why is tha
really walking like that?
190
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:57,309
You'd think they'd never seen
a gentleman carrying his sporting equipment before.
191
00:12:57,309 --> 00:13:02,469
What can you say except, it's a good
job you're not going hang-gliding?
192
00:13:02,469 --> 00:13:05,729
Actually, we're just
warming them for a friend.
193
00:13:05,729 --> 00:13:08,289
Must be good friend.
194
00:13:08,289 --> 00:13:12,829
That's what we need, a few friends.
Give us a hand with this.
195
00:13:17,329 --> 00:13:20,369
That's the saddest Father Christmas
I've ever seen.
196
00:13:20,369 --> 00:13:23,149
Someone else who doesn't
enjoy Christmas.
197
00:13:23,149 --> 00:13:26,809
- How did he get in that condition?
- He was trying to pass me truck.
198
00:13:26,809 --> 00:13:28,729
Was that a problem?
199
00:13:28,729 --> 00:13:31,089
It was going 30 at the time.
200
00:13:31,089 --> 00:13:32,769
He exaggerates.
201
00:13:32,769 --> 00:13:34,669
Not by much.
202
00:13:36,429 --> 00:13:40,049
We'll have to carry him.
What's wrong with the truck?
203
00:13:40,049 --> 00:13:41,949
He won't go in the truck.
204
00:13:41,949 --> 00:13:44,729
He's really set his face
against travelling by truck.
205
00:13:51,869 --> 00:13:55,329
Should we eating chocolate
in uniform?
206
00:13:55,329 --> 00:13:57,329
Is your chocolate in uniform?
207
00:13:57,329 --> 00:13:59,389
Mine's dressed very casually.
208
00:13:59,389 --> 00:14:01,889
But isn't it against regulations?
209
00:14:03,209 --> 00:14:06,409
It is if you're just
eating chocolate.
210
00:14:06,409 --> 00:14:10,749
But not if you're maintaining in a
responsible manner your sugar level
211
00:14:10,749 --> 00:14:15,069
in order to be able to
respond to any emergency.
212
00:14:15,069 --> 00:14:17,609
That's good. I like that.
213
00:14:22,889 --> 00:14:25,889
Do you think Father Christmas
is drunk?
214
00:14:25,889 --> 00:14:28,209
I think he looks worse than that.
215
00:14:28,209 --> 00:14:31,569
German? I think he looks dead.
216
00:14:33,669 --> 00:14:36,689
Why would they be carting
him about if he's dead?
217
00:14:36,689 --> 00:14:38,789
People panic.
218
00:14:38,789 --> 00:14:42,769
Yeah, that's true.
Take us two for a start.
219
00:14:42,769 --> 00:14:45,849
So you think that bloke's dead?
220
00:14:45,849 --> 00:14:47,849
He's dead. Trust me.
221
00:14:47,849 --> 00:14:49,669
I'm a trained observer.
222
00:14:49,669 --> 00:14:52,529
Look at him, the way
they're having to prop him up.
223
00:14:52,529 --> 00:14:54,129
What's your explanation?
224
00:14:54,129 --> 00:14:56,489
I think he's a dummy.
225
00:14:56,489 --> 00:14:58,469
Because he looks all rubbery?
226
00:14:58,469 --> 00:15:00,089
That's the clever part.
227
00:15:00,089 --> 00:15:03,129
They're moving him
before rigor mortis sets in.
228
00:15:03,129 --> 00:15:07,289
It's Christmas. We ought to give
people the benefit of the doubt.
229
00:15:07,289 --> 00:15:11,229
I agree. It saves so much paperwork.
230
00:15:11,229 --> 00:15:14,289
And anyway, we're right to
consider every possibility.
231
00:15:17,169 --> 00:15:20,689
I think it's a good job we've
been maintaining our sugar levels.
232
00:15:28,909 --> 00:15:33,809
I shall always be grateful
for this warmth and refreshment.
233
00:15:35,169 --> 00:15:38,149
Steady, tha's getting him squiffy.
234
00:15:38,149 --> 00:15:41,329
His legs shouldn't drink.
Not at speed they travel.
235
00:15:44,349 --> 00:15:46,769
I believe his eyes are out of focus.
236
00:15:48,749 --> 00:15:50,689
Maybe it's just his head.
237
00:15:52,509 --> 00:15:53,969
Here... Eh?
238
00:15:57,229 --> 00:16:00,709
It's his legs need the lubrication,
not his insides.
239
00:16:00,709 --> 00:16:04,889
You oil what you want,
and I'll oil where I want.
240
00:16:06,489 --> 00:16:08,209
It kills the pain.
241
00:16:09,309 --> 00:16:14,209
The way he tries to
overtake motor vehicles, I'm not sure he should be drinking.
242
00:16:15,789 --> 00:16:19,249
I'm not sure he
should be drinking mine.
243
00:16:28,889 --> 00:16:31,489
Don't let him go to sleep.
244
00:16:32,489 --> 00:16:34,969
Auntie wants him riding round town.
245
00:16:34,969 --> 00:16:38,129
Bad for me image
if he goes faster than truck.
246
00:16:38,129 --> 00:16:42,189
Let him sleep -
it's cheaper than drinking.
247
00:16:42,189 --> 00:16:46,329
I don't think he's sleeping. I think
he's unconscious. Are you sure?
248
00:16:46,329 --> 00:16:48,609
With Smiler it's not easy to tell.
249
00:16:50,609 --> 00:16:52,829
Gone but not forgotten.
250
00:16:52,829 --> 00:16:56,069
Billy, you'll have to take
his place in the truck.
251
00:16:56,069 --> 00:16:59,749
Why me? Lucky you,
you're just the right size.
252
00:16:59,749 --> 00:17:04,529
And you, Alvin, you can help us
give Smiler some exercise.
253
00:17:04,529 --> 00:17:07,069
He can't even walk.
254
00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:08,409
Lucky you.
255
00:17:10,809 --> 00:17:16,709
I won't have you worrying
your head about infinity and big bangs and quantum theories.
256
00:17:16,709 --> 00:17:19,689
You can play some golf
and take your mind off things.
257
00:17:19,689 --> 00:17:24,349
It's so inconsequential
hitting a ball a few yards,
258
00:17:24,349 --> 00:17:28,489
when out there,
space goes on forever.
259
00:17:28,489 --> 00:17:32,289
Nobody's asking you to
hit the ball that far.
260
00:17:32,289 --> 00:17:34,369
Just give it a whack, Barry.
261
00:17:35,769 --> 00:17:39,949
When you think
of the ingenuity wasted in the making of this play thing...
262
00:17:39,949 --> 00:17:41,729
Don't think about it.
263
00:17:41,729 --> 00:17:43,229
Just hit something.
264
00:17:44,569 --> 00:17:47,909
Is this why our ancestors
came down from the trees?
265
00:17:47,909 --> 00:17:52,009
I don't know why your granddad was
up a tree and I don't really care.
266
00:17:52,009 --> 00:17:54,529
Just relax something, Barry.
267
00:17:58,909 --> 00:18:02,449
Eh up, Barry, how long have you
been hitting them like that?
268
00:18:03,789 --> 00:18:05,549
Does it really matter?
269
00:18:07,149 --> 00:18:08,769
Does it really matter?!
270
00:18:10,469 --> 00:18:13,089
I've have asked Nelly
to come in for a minute.
271
00:18:13,089 --> 00:18:14,789
Is he with her?
272
00:18:14,789 --> 00:18:16,909
Somewhere in the background.
273
00:18:17,969 --> 00:18:20,249
Looking down at his feet.
274
00:18:20,249 --> 00:18:22,289
He just stares at his feet.
275
00:18:22,289 --> 00:18:25,089
It's hard to believe.
276
00:18:25,089 --> 00:18:27,609
But when he was young
he was nimble enough.
277
00:18:27,609 --> 00:18:30,449
Especially with a button on a blouse.
278
00:18:30,449 --> 00:18:32,409
Why was he wearing a blouse?
279
00:18:33,969 --> 00:18:36,349
He wasn't. They weren't his!
280
00:18:37,629 --> 00:18:41,009
I've never needed
any help with mine.
281
00:18:42,109 --> 00:18:43,489
Come in, love.
282
00:18:45,629 --> 00:18:48,109
Where's Travis? Bring him in.
283
00:18:48,109 --> 00:18:49,649
You can't bring him in.
284
00:18:49,649 --> 00:18:51,289
He'll break something.
285
00:18:51,289 --> 00:18:53,469
Go home, Travis. Wait for me there.
286
00:18:53,469 --> 00:18:55,429
I shan't be long.
287
00:18:55,429 --> 00:18:57,229
You what?
288
00:18:57,229 --> 00:18:58,969
Well, wait out there then.
289
00:19:00,349 --> 00:19:02,169
What will you do?
290
00:19:02,169 --> 00:19:04,369
Well, amuse yourself.
291
00:19:04,369 --> 00:19:06,369
Have a look around the garden.
292
00:19:07,429 --> 00:19:09,489
I know it's winter.
293
00:19:09,489 --> 00:19:13,149
Have a look at where the flowers
are going to be in the summer.
294
00:19:13,149 --> 00:19:14,469
Anticipate.
295
00:19:16,229 --> 00:19:21,809
I can't stop. He'll go into decline.
Since he retired from the bank, it's got worse.
296
00:19:21,809 --> 00:19:24,669
Does he have no other interests?
297
00:19:24,669 --> 00:19:28,349
I cured him of them
when we first got married.
298
00:19:29,289 --> 00:19:31,309
He watches horror films.
299
00:19:31,309 --> 00:19:34,529
I've heard you play pop with him
for watching horror films.
300
00:19:34,529 --> 00:19:40,609
So would you, if you saw the living
dead on the screen and it turned out to look just like your husband.
301
00:19:42,469 --> 00:19:45,469
I quite like
those creepy horror films.
302
00:19:45,469 --> 00:19:47,569
It's about the only excitement left.
303
00:19:48,569 --> 00:19:50,089
Films?
304
00:19:50,089 --> 00:19:52,289
I've no time for watching films.
305
00:19:52,289 --> 00:19:55,349
You used to like
going to the pictures.
306
00:19:55,349 --> 00:19:57,729
We all did in those days.
307
00:19:57,729 --> 00:19:59,949
And it wasn't just for the film.
308
00:19:59,949 --> 00:20:05,249
If you got on the back row,
sometimes you had to go back three times to see all the picture.
309
00:20:06,149 --> 00:20:09,129
That back row started
some marriages off.
310
00:20:09,129 --> 00:20:13,769
By the end of a long film,
people could be almost engaged.
311
00:20:13,769 --> 00:20:17,509
There were those who went on the
back row and those who didn't.
312
00:20:17,509 --> 00:20:21,789
The only time most of us didn't
was if it was full.
313
00:20:24,169 --> 00:20:27,069
What's he doing out there?
He's quiet.
314
00:20:27,069 --> 00:20:29,169
He's always quiet.
315
00:20:29,169 --> 00:20:33,469
There's quiet and
there's "What's he doing?" quiet.
316
00:20:33,469 --> 00:20:35,689
Nellie, he's not going to be stolen.
317
00:20:37,629 --> 00:20:40,089
Keep yourself warm, Travis.
318
00:20:40,089 --> 00:20:42,929
Keep moving. You'll be up all night.
319
00:20:44,349 --> 00:20:46,589
He's never had good kidneys.
320
00:20:46,589 --> 00:20:49,309
You can hear every organ
in his body once he starts.
321
00:20:50,329 --> 00:20:52,489
I can stand the noise.
322
00:20:52,489 --> 00:20:53,849
It's when he goes blue.
323
00:20:53,849 --> 00:20:56,329
That could be fatal, blue.
324
00:20:58,129 --> 00:21:00,189
He doesn't go blue everywhere.
325
00:21:00,189 --> 00:21:06,109
There's just this one patch
on his abdomen, about the size of a complementary calendar.
326
00:21:06,109 --> 00:21:07,949
What year?
327
00:21:07,949 --> 00:21:12,689
They could be any size
complementary calendars.
328
00:21:12,689 --> 00:21:14,769
Not in our house.
329
00:21:14,769 --> 00:21:18,309
We just get the one
from Wilsons, undertakers.
330
00:21:18,309 --> 00:21:21,349
They pretend it's because
they buried my mother.
331
00:21:21,349 --> 00:21:24,249
But I think they're keeping
their eye on Travis.
332
00:21:25,309 --> 00:21:27,229
Well...
333
00:21:27,229 --> 00:21:30,789
Did your Howard finally make
his move on the back row?
334
00:21:30,789 --> 00:21:34,289
He finally worked up the nerve
to throw his arm around me.
335
00:21:34,289 --> 00:21:36,649
That's how it used to start.
336
00:21:36,649 --> 00:21:40,029
And they always try
to make it look casual.
337
00:21:40,029 --> 00:21:45,889
Suddenly, this arm comes
whistling round out of nowhere, then hits me smack in the eye.
338
00:21:47,329 --> 00:21:49,049
You could hear the slap.
339
00:21:49,049 --> 00:21:50,949
People turned around.
340
00:21:50,949 --> 00:21:54,589
Well, you've be getting
your own back ever since.
341
00:21:54,589 --> 00:21:56,349
MOBILE RINGS
342
00:21:57,029 --> 00:21:59,089
Oh. 'Ere, give us your cup. Sorry.
343
00:22:05,349 --> 00:22:09,689
How could you lose your reading
glasses? What's to read out there?
344
00:22:10,769 --> 00:22:12,429
What dog?
345
00:22:12,429 --> 00:22:15,609
Oh, you gave the dog
your reading glasses.
346
00:22:17,509 --> 00:22:20,889
What kind of a dog
needs reading glasses?
347
00:22:22,469 --> 00:22:24,509
It wanted something to carry.
348
00:22:36,869 --> 00:22:40,249
He's all right, then,
Father Christmas.
349
00:22:41,849 --> 00:22:44,249
Is it? He's walking well enough.
350
00:22:44,249 --> 00:22:46,769
Then who's under that blanket?
351
00:22:46,769 --> 00:22:48,729
You don't think...?
352
00:22:58,609 --> 00:23:03,169
I know it makes your arms ache,
but we'll get used to it in no time.
353
00:23:03,169 --> 00:23:04,989
I'll be able to do this often.
354
00:23:05,849 --> 00:23:07,849
Something else to look forward to(!)
355
00:23:16,769 --> 00:23:18,769
What time's your bus?
356
00:23:18,769 --> 00:23:19,869
Bus?
357
00:23:19,869 --> 00:23:21,649
Yes, the one you're waiting for.
358
00:23:22,609 --> 00:23:26,009
Oh, that bus. No, not really.
359
00:23:27,109 --> 00:23:31,369
I just happen to be waiting with
someone who's waiting for a bus.
360
00:23:34,409 --> 00:23:36,849
Is that Howard behind the newspaper?
361
00:23:38,309 --> 00:23:40,449
I suppose it's possible.
362
00:23:47,849 --> 00:23:52,989
I know it's not much fun, but
if it enables us to be together...
363
00:23:56,129 --> 00:23:58,289
..just the two of us...
364
00:23:58,289 --> 00:24:01,649
I think we should snatch
every chance, don't you?
365
00:24:19,249 --> 00:24:21,009
We've lost them.
366
00:24:21,009 --> 00:24:22,589
You got the vehicle number?
367
00:24:25,169 --> 00:24:27,029
No, you've got the vehicle number.
368
00:24:33,009 --> 00:24:35,849
Oh, where is he? Where's he got to?
369
00:24:35,849 --> 00:24:39,069
What kind of Santa Claus
is late for Christmas?
370
00:24:39,069 --> 00:24:41,049
You know he's accident-prone.
371
00:24:42,009 --> 00:24:44,109
He gets into difficulties.
372
00:24:44,109 --> 00:24:46,609
Yes,
and they're only just starting.
373
00:24:47,729 --> 00:24:49,349
Oh...oh!
374
00:24:49,349 --> 00:24:52,829
Do be careful! Tha's just
dropped Father Christmas.
375
00:24:52,829 --> 00:24:55,089
If I had my way,
you'd get a medal for it.
376
00:24:55,089 --> 00:24:56,909
Clegg, he doesn't like Christmas.
377
00:24:56,909 --> 00:24:59,549
Well, not when it starts
in September.
378
00:24:59,549 --> 00:25:02,289
I like Christmas. We invented it.
379
00:25:02,289 --> 00:25:05,829
Huh, I think we might be
onto something there. We?
380
00:25:05,829 --> 00:25:09,069
Me and a bloke called
Jackson from Beverly.
381
00:25:09,069 --> 00:25:10,909
Only we got the name wrong.
382
00:25:10,909 --> 00:25:14,709
We called it
Entwistle And Jackson Day.
383
00:25:14,709 --> 00:25:17,469
Didn't catch on. Pity about that.
384
00:25:17,469 --> 00:25:21,149
Maybe you could try again,
only in warmer weather.
385
00:25:21,149 --> 00:25:23,729
Worth a shot. I'll tell Jackson.
386
00:25:23,729 --> 00:25:25,829
Excuse me interrupting this rubbish,
387
00:25:25,829 --> 00:25:28,249
but can we get some
movement into Smiler?
388
00:25:28,249 --> 00:25:31,069
I know there's never very much
of it in the first place.
389
00:25:31,069 --> 00:25:33,009
Come on, let's get it to Auntie's.
390
00:25:33,009 --> 00:25:35,289
Oh, up with him, come on.
391
00:25:43,209 --> 00:25:47,529
How are we going to explain
losing a gang disposing of a body?
392
00:25:47,529 --> 00:25:49,449
What body?
393
00:25:49,449 --> 00:25:51,369
Did you see a body?
394
00:25:51,369 --> 00:25:53,449
I saw a hand, that's all.
395
00:25:58,269 --> 00:26:00,029
Look at him.
396
00:26:00,029 --> 00:26:02,589
He's having a merry Christmas
all right.
397
00:26:02,589 --> 00:26:04,729
Doesn't he know any carols?
398
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:06,629
He knew a Carol once.
399
00:26:06,629 --> 00:26:08,289
They were engaged.
400
00:26:08,289 --> 00:26:09,849
She only had one leg.
401
00:26:09,849 --> 00:26:15,169
But he always says
the other was a masterpiece of the wood turner's craft.
402
00:26:15,169 --> 00:26:17,609
Get in the sledge,
you're as daft as he is.
403
00:26:19,629 --> 00:26:21,089
And you, come on.
404
00:26:23,729 --> 00:26:25,409
Get in, get in, get in.
405
00:26:48,489 --> 00:26:50,569
That's my Barry.
406
00:26:50,569 --> 00:26:52,569
He's taking the mickey.
407
00:26:52,569 --> 00:26:54,449
He's trying to play like me.
408
00:26:54,449 --> 00:26:56,929
That's my style he's copying there.
409
00:26:56,929 --> 00:26:59,049
It's got to be illegal, has that.
410
00:26:59,049 --> 00:27:03,869
I'll tell you one thing,
after the next committee meeting it's going to be illegal.
411
00:27:10,349 --> 00:27:11,649
Where's the body?
412
00:27:11,649 --> 00:27:16,689
This is what you want
for Christmas - a body? What body?
413
00:27:16,689 --> 00:27:19,409
The body you were hiding
under a blanket.
414
00:27:20,809 --> 00:27:25,089
Oh, that body. Funny you should
ask that, here it comes now.
415
00:27:38,649 --> 00:27:39,969
Oi!
416
00:27:50,949 --> 00:27:54,149
So I thought
I might get you a cue case.
417
00:27:54,149 --> 00:27:56,489
Have you any preference for colour?
418
00:27:56,489 --> 00:27:57,449
HORN HOOTS
419
00:28:21,009 --> 00:28:23,569
May I take this opportunity
420
00:28:23,569 --> 00:28:25,409
to wish us all
421
00:28:25,409 --> 00:28:27,709
a merry Entwistle And Jackson Day.
422
00:28:30,309 --> 00:28:34,509
I know I speak for Jackson
when I say, I thank you for that.
423
00:28:34,509 --> 00:28:37,569
What are you going
to do for an encore?
424
00:28:37,569 --> 00:28:40,409
We thought maybe
invent Midsummer's Day.
425
00:28:40,409 --> 00:28:43,649
Or we call it Midsummer's Day.
426
00:28:43,649 --> 00:28:45,489
That sounds catchy.
427
00:28:45,489 --> 00:28:47,049
It's been done.
428
00:28:47,049 --> 00:28:48,349
Not in January.
429
00:28:48,349 --> 00:28:50,429
No, I think it's a good idea.
430
00:28:50,429 --> 00:28:54,049
People are ready for a bit of sun
in January. No, no, no.
431
00:28:54,049 --> 00:28:56,109
Here's to January.
432
00:28:56,109 --> 00:28:57,089
Cheers.
433
00:28:57,139 --> 00:29:01,689
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