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1
00:00:12,122 --> 00:00:13,902
Nora Batty!
2
00:00:13,902 --> 00:00:17,762
Watch out! Aaaah...!
CRASHING
3
00:00:19,602 --> 00:00:21,142
Are you all right?
4
00:00:21,142 --> 00:00:28,642
I'm Alvin, survivor... You must
be mental! Also...possibly mental.
5
00:01:07,042 --> 00:01:09,142
Do you realise,
6
00:01:09,142 --> 00:01:11,782
that if I got rich,
7
00:01:11,782 --> 00:01:15,522
I'd have no-one to leave
the money to? Don't worry about it.
8
00:01:15,522 --> 00:01:17,602
I can help you there.
9
00:01:17,602 --> 00:01:19,682
It's not like having
a loved one, though, is it?
10
00:01:19,682 --> 00:01:22,602
Sometimes, he can be really hurtful.
11
00:01:22,602 --> 00:01:25,362
It's the money. It changes people.
12
00:01:25,362 --> 00:01:27,542
It wouldn't change me.
13
00:01:27,542 --> 00:01:31,522
I'd be the same loveable person
I've always been.
14
00:01:31,522 --> 00:01:34,562
Don't say that. If you had money,
you could afford a cure.
15
00:01:36,822 --> 00:01:40,942
Have you any grounds
for expecting this money,
16
00:01:40,942 --> 00:01:44,862
or are you only holding yourself
ready just in case?
17
00:01:44,862 --> 00:01:47,462
A bloke has to plan ahead a bit.
18
00:01:47,462 --> 00:01:51,942
Yeah, but now you worry about
who to leave it to.
19
00:01:51,942 --> 00:01:55,262
You see the problems you've got
with your money already?
20
00:01:55,262 --> 00:01:59,142
I mean, it's not brought you
any happiness, has it?
21
00:01:59,142 --> 00:02:02,082
It's my own fault.
22
00:02:02,082 --> 00:02:06,022
I should never have let go of
the one woman in my life.
23
00:02:06,022 --> 00:02:08,962
You didn't leave your mother
till you were nearly fifty.
24
00:02:10,802 --> 00:02:12,322
I didn't mean her.
25
00:02:21,362 --> 00:02:23,082
What's he looking for?
26
00:02:23,082 --> 00:02:24,702
Wrinkles.
27
00:02:24,702 --> 00:02:26,702
He thinks he's losing his looks.
28
00:02:26,702 --> 00:02:30,022
He keeps asking me if I've noticed.
29
00:02:30,022 --> 00:02:34,602
"When did you notice I was
losing my appeal?" he asks.
30
00:02:34,602 --> 00:02:36,342
So I told him...
31
00:02:36,342 --> 00:02:38,322
on our honeymoon.
32
00:02:39,882 --> 00:02:42,702
Now, we're not speaking.
33
00:02:42,702 --> 00:02:45,222
They're funny, aren't they?
34
00:02:45,222 --> 00:02:48,562
That's another thing
I remember about the honeymoon.
35
00:03:03,482 --> 00:03:05,662
Smiler was in love.
36
00:03:07,222 --> 00:03:09,982
It was wartime.
37
00:03:09,982 --> 00:03:13,122
A glorious June.
38
00:03:13,122 --> 00:03:15,282
June who?
39
00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:17,842
The month, you wally.
40
00:03:17,842 --> 00:03:19,322
Oh, that June.
41
00:03:21,562 --> 00:03:23,522
I knew a June.
42
00:03:23,522 --> 00:03:26,302
That is deeply uninteresting.
43
00:03:26,302 --> 00:03:29,442
At 18, she still had
a thing about dolls.
44
00:03:29,442 --> 00:03:32,462
Did she wheel thee about in a pram?
45
00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:36,042
I was more dangerous
than dolls in my prime.
46
00:03:36,042 --> 00:03:43,342
Smiler still regrets that he
failed to seize the opportunity with the girl in his life.
47
00:03:43,342 --> 00:03:45,842
He had a girl in his life?
48
00:03:45,842 --> 00:03:48,222
For one entire afternoon.
49
00:03:48,222 --> 00:03:52,082
He still wishes that he'd
taken her up on her kind offer.
50
00:03:52,082 --> 00:03:54,782
You hear about them kind of offers.
51
00:03:54,782 --> 00:03:59,642
In the vice squad, we had to go
around making those kind of offers.
52
00:04:00,682 --> 00:04:04,542
You'd be all right in
a blackout, but what happened when the lights came back on?
53
00:04:04,542 --> 00:04:07,822
I was transferred to traffic duty.
54
00:04:07,822 --> 00:04:11,082
I hope tha remembered
to take tha lipstick off.
55
00:04:11,082 --> 00:04:13,362
It wasn't that kind of offer.
56
00:04:13,362 --> 00:04:16,662
All she said to Smiler was,
"Look me up sometime."
57
00:04:18,362 --> 00:04:21,362
Who said? Mavis McDonagh.
58
00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:25,042
Not the Mavis McDonagh
we've all never heard of?!
59
00:04:25,042 --> 00:04:26,722
Maybe she left the area.
60
00:04:26,722 --> 00:04:31,502
Which you would,
if you were expecting Smiler to look you up any minute.
61
00:04:31,502 --> 00:04:34,822
There were McDonaghs
in Jamieson Street.
62
00:04:34,822 --> 00:04:37,002
Didn't one of them eat a rent man?
63
00:04:37,002 --> 00:04:40,062
Oh, they all used to eat
rent men in Jamieson Street.
64
00:04:40,062 --> 00:04:42,862
They pulled it down.
There is no Jamieson Street.
65
00:04:42,862 --> 00:04:45,962
There's only what they
rebuilt in its place...
66
00:04:45,962 --> 00:04:48,482
which looks like Jamieson Street.
67
00:04:48,482 --> 00:04:50,602
It's called progress.
68
00:04:50,602 --> 00:04:55,462
You have to wonder
what kind of female Smiler would find so fascinating.
69
00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,342
He liked her style.
70
00:04:57,342 --> 00:05:00,762
She was very plain and
inclined to be miserable.
71
00:05:00,762 --> 00:05:02,902
Made for each other.
72
00:05:02,902 --> 00:05:04,542
Plain and miserable...
73
00:05:04,542 --> 00:05:07,042
I think I knew her.
74
00:05:07,042 --> 00:05:08,722
I think I married her.
75
00:05:12,362 --> 00:05:14,482
It's still there, Barry.
76
00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:16,322
No-one's stolen your car.
77
00:05:17,902 --> 00:05:20,662
It's just so vulnerable out there.
78
00:05:20,662 --> 00:05:23,342
Why don't we make room for it
in the garage?
79
00:05:23,342 --> 00:05:25,982
You've only just turned
the garage into a gymnasium.
80
00:05:25,982 --> 00:05:28,562
I never realised how worried I'd be
about the car.
81
00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:30,602
You should have asked.
I could have told you.
82
00:05:30,602 --> 00:05:32,682
You're always worried about the car.
83
00:05:32,682 --> 00:05:35,122
It hates being out there.
84
00:05:35,122 --> 00:05:36,782
I can feel it.
85
00:05:36,782 --> 00:05:39,122
You won't even let your wife
drive it.
86
00:05:40,702 --> 00:05:42,822
I've never actually
said you can't drive it.
87
00:05:42,822 --> 00:05:44,842
You just hide the keys.
88
00:05:44,842 --> 00:05:46,662
It's only for your own safety.
89
00:05:46,662 --> 00:05:49,322
There are some
terrible drivers on the road.
90
00:05:49,322 --> 00:05:50,802
Besides you.
91
00:05:52,382 --> 00:05:53,922
That was when I was young.
92
00:05:53,922 --> 00:05:56,242
I don't drive fast anymore.
93
00:05:56,242 --> 00:05:57,862
You drive faster than me.
94
00:05:57,862 --> 00:06:00,122
Barry,
everybody drives faster than you.
95
00:06:02,602 --> 00:06:04,842
Old Mrs Hemstock doesn't.
96
00:06:04,842 --> 00:06:07,402
Wow! Come here.
97
00:06:07,402 --> 00:06:09,042
Give me a kiss.
98
00:06:09,042 --> 00:06:11,082
What's the occasion? No occasion.
99
00:06:11,082 --> 00:06:14,302
What's the point of living with
somebody faster than Old Mrs Hemstock
100
00:06:14,302 --> 00:06:15,802
unless you take advantage of it?
101
00:06:19,562 --> 00:06:22,762
Jamieson Street? Yes.
102
00:06:22,762 --> 00:06:24,622
They've pulled it down.
103
00:06:24,622 --> 00:06:28,622
We know. And there's rumour
they're going to start on you.
104
00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:31,302
Put a new bathroom in.
Smarten you up a bit.
105
00:06:31,302 --> 00:06:32,962
Don't kill him in here.
106
00:06:32,962 --> 00:06:35,402
Wait till you get him home.
107
00:06:35,402 --> 00:06:38,742
If there's one thing worse
than bad neighbours...it's him.
108
00:06:38,742 --> 00:06:41,422
Behave yourself...
109
00:06:41,422 --> 00:06:44,862
or I'll do something nasty
to you with a stale bun.
110
00:06:44,862 --> 00:06:47,402
Who's looking for
Jamieson Street, anyway?
111
00:06:47,402 --> 00:06:49,702
Just a few concerned citizens...
112
00:06:49,702 --> 00:06:54,322
on behalf of Smiler. Somebody
ought to be concerned about Smiler.
113
00:06:54,322 --> 00:06:58,362
I like a bit of misery meself,
but he overdoes it.
114
00:06:59,422 --> 00:07:03,102
We're going to brighten his life
up a bit. We're playing Cupid.
115
00:07:03,102 --> 00:07:04,882
I've got the bow for it.
116
00:07:04,882 --> 00:07:07,442
We're looking for a Mavis McDonagh.
117
00:07:07,442 --> 00:07:09,622
The McDonaghs of Jamieson Street.
118
00:07:09,622 --> 00:07:12,622
Quite famous once
in disorderly circles.
119
00:07:12,622 --> 00:07:14,402
More than once.
120
00:07:14,402 --> 00:07:17,742
Well, they'll have to be the
McDonaghs of some other street now.
121
00:07:17,742 --> 00:07:19,962
There is no Jamieson Street.
122
00:07:21,522 --> 00:07:23,942
But where did they re-house people?
123
00:07:23,942 --> 00:07:25,762
The McDonaghs?
124
00:07:25,762 --> 00:07:28,042
Probably at Her Majesty's Pleasure.
125
00:07:28,042 --> 00:07:30,822
I expect some went to the prefabs.
126
00:07:30,822 --> 00:07:34,322
When we were first married,
we lived in a prefab.
127
00:07:34,322 --> 00:07:36,082
With her mother.
128
00:07:36,082 --> 00:07:40,502
I remember pressure cookers
were supposed to be new. I thought, "You must be joking!
129
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:43,602
"I've been living in one for ages."
130
00:07:43,602 --> 00:07:47,122
I remember
the pressure cooker craze.
131
00:07:47,122 --> 00:07:49,902
You couldn't breathe for steam.
132
00:07:49,902 --> 00:07:53,982
I remember arresting people
in places like that.
133
00:07:53,982 --> 00:07:57,882
You had to keep your fingers in your
ears in case of a sudden whistle.
134
00:07:57,882 --> 00:07:59,602
That's it. That kind of place.
135
00:07:59,602 --> 00:08:04,222
It's to the humble pressure cooker
I owe this magnificent physique.
136
00:08:04,222 --> 00:08:06,782
Oh, not budgie seed?
137
00:08:06,782 --> 00:08:08,442
That was just breakfast.
138
00:08:09,682 --> 00:08:12,042
I can't stand
Continental breakfasts.
139
00:08:12,042 --> 00:08:15,702
Nah. A body needs something solid.
140
00:08:15,702 --> 00:08:21,702
Yours looks like it's doing nicely.
Nobody's talking to you, Big Ears!
141
00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:26,082
It makes me wonder how your
husband ever found his way about.
142
00:08:26,082 --> 00:08:28,602
Maybe he knew a short cut.
143
00:08:28,602 --> 00:08:31,282
He knew what he was allowed to know.
144
00:08:33,262 --> 00:08:37,722
The female form was always
a mystery to me.
145
00:08:37,722 --> 00:08:44,262
Anything else you acquire
with moving parts, you get an owner's manual.
146
00:08:44,262 --> 00:08:46,522
What about the stirring of
your hormones?
147
00:08:46,522 --> 00:08:48,202
Stir your tea.
148
00:08:49,882 --> 00:08:52,482
We never had hormones in our day.
149
00:08:53,502 --> 00:08:55,162
You must have had one or two.
150
00:08:55,162 --> 00:08:58,282
Nothing that could
get past a good corset.
151
00:09:03,802 --> 00:09:06,162
Don't be hanging back!
152
00:09:06,162 --> 00:09:08,922
This man is magic. Huh!
153
00:09:08,922 --> 00:09:13,542
This man's advice has been sought
after by the crowned heads of Europe.
154
00:09:13,542 --> 00:09:18,882
Who is he? Don't worry about
who he is, it's what he can do.
155
00:09:18,882 --> 00:09:20,702
Can I afford him?
156
00:09:20,702 --> 00:09:23,502
Fifty quid? You said thirty.
157
00:09:23,502 --> 00:09:25,602
Oh, all right, I meant thirty.
158
00:09:25,602 --> 00:09:30,442
Well, don't tell me you're not
going to waste thirty quid on ensuring a rosier future?
159
00:09:35,302 --> 00:09:37,942
You don't just burst in
on this bloke.
160
00:09:37,942 --> 00:09:41,082
He could be in the middle of
some mystical experience.
161
00:09:42,662 --> 00:09:47,482
Excuse mess, but you catch me
in middle of mystical experience.
162
00:09:48,522 --> 00:09:50,202
What does he know?
163
00:09:50,202 --> 00:09:52,842
He sells old washing machines.
164
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:55,222
Oh, it's...it's just his day job.
165
00:09:55,222 --> 00:09:59,842
Man who sells washing machines
learns secrets of female behaviour.
166
00:09:59,842 --> 00:10:01,462
Ancient Yorkshire proverb.
167
00:10:01,462 --> 00:10:04,922
How's he going to find
the address of Mavis McDonagh?
168
00:10:04,922 --> 00:10:07,722
We consult mystical battery.
169
00:10:07,722 --> 00:10:09,902
What's mystical about a battery?
170
00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:12,602
He's never sure if his
truck's going to start.
171
00:10:12,602 --> 00:10:17,282
This battery descended from
battery which found Queen Victoria when she went missing.
172
00:10:17,282 --> 00:10:20,302
I never knew Queen Victoria
ever went missing.
173
00:10:20,302 --> 00:10:22,602
That's because
they found her so quick.
174
00:10:23,902 --> 00:10:26,042
Step inside.
175
00:10:41,469 --> 00:10:43,409
Cleggy!
176
00:10:43,409 --> 00:10:44,889
Cleggy!
177
00:10:49,729 --> 00:10:51,209
Cleggy!
178
00:11:10,269 --> 00:11:11,729
No, Howard.
179
00:11:15,649 --> 00:11:18,209
I just want your opinion, Cleggy.
180
00:11:18,209 --> 00:11:21,209
I think you should stop
bothering me, Howard.
181
00:11:21,209 --> 00:11:23,849
Of course, that is only my opinion.
182
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:26,529
I can't ask Pearl. She'll lie.
183
00:11:28,109 --> 00:11:30,089
Do I look my age?
184
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,189
Well, your ears still look OK.
185
00:11:34,189 --> 00:11:37,049
I'm serious!
186
00:11:37,049 --> 00:11:41,129
Do you think
I'm starting to lose me looks?
187
00:11:41,129 --> 00:11:43,209
I wouldn't say "starting", Howard.
188
00:11:44,769 --> 00:11:47,109
Do you think I ought to try a beard?
189
00:11:47,109 --> 00:11:49,049
A veil, Howard.
190
00:11:49,049 --> 00:11:52,669
Go for the mysterious look.
191
00:11:52,669 --> 00:11:55,209
A motorcycle helmet.
192
00:11:55,209 --> 00:11:57,569
Your head in a bucket.
193
00:11:57,569 --> 00:12:02,649
That always distracts attention from
any flaws in your complexion.
194
00:12:04,609 --> 00:12:06,129
What flaws?
195
00:12:09,269 --> 00:12:11,209
Yes, of course.
196
00:12:11,209 --> 00:12:14,189
Absolutely no problem.
197
00:12:14,189 --> 00:12:15,489
Barry?
198
00:12:15,489 --> 00:12:17,469
Mm-hm.
199
00:12:17,469 --> 00:12:20,509
Barry, Mrs Batty needs a lift.
200
00:12:20,509 --> 00:12:24,189
We're going looking for
where they re-housed people from Jamieson Street.
201
00:12:24,189 --> 00:12:28,249
Barry? That's nice.
202
00:12:28,249 --> 00:12:31,049
We need the car, Barry.
203
00:12:31,049 --> 00:12:33,169
Hello, love. Back already?
204
00:12:34,749 --> 00:12:36,769
You're not listening.
205
00:12:36,769 --> 00:12:39,209
Yeah, of course I missed you.
206
00:12:39,209 --> 00:12:43,749
Now, Barry. I need the car. Mm-hm.
207
00:12:43,749 --> 00:12:45,889
The car keys, Barry!
208
00:12:51,749 --> 00:12:53,249
Who's a good lad, then?
209
00:12:55,889 --> 00:12:58,849
Your mother rang.
210
00:12:58,849 --> 00:13:00,569
I don't think so, Barry.
211
00:13:04,109 --> 00:13:05,569
Somebody rang.
212
00:13:17,149 --> 00:13:19,889
Are you available
to help lonely soul?
213
00:13:22,129 --> 00:13:23,209
Oh!
214
00:13:28,829 --> 00:13:33,529
Must congratulate
on range of library services.
215
00:13:33,529 --> 00:13:35,129
What sign are you under?
216
00:13:35,129 --> 00:13:37,329
Entwistle Electrical.
217
00:13:37,329 --> 00:13:40,329
There's more to life than
the electrical business.
218
00:13:40,329 --> 00:13:42,809
Also sell washing machines.
219
00:13:42,809 --> 00:13:44,669
Do you have a wife?
220
00:13:44,669 --> 00:13:47,609
Yes, but not for sale.
221
00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:51,069
Why do all the interesting men
have wives?
222
00:13:51,069 --> 00:13:54,649
When she's shouting at me,
that's what I ask myself.
223
00:13:54,649 --> 00:13:59,269
If you spend much time alone,
I have sideline in reconditioned televisions.
224
00:13:59,269 --> 00:14:04,049
I have a television. It's the
sideline I'm finding more difficult.
225
00:14:04,049 --> 00:14:05,529
You know Smiler?
226
00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:10,469
You help his social confidence.
227
00:14:10,469 --> 00:14:13,449
We bring him in,
he practises his chat line on you.
228
00:14:13,449 --> 00:14:15,249
You give him marks out of ten.
229
00:14:15,249 --> 00:14:16,949
It'll be two.
230
00:14:16,949 --> 00:14:19,049
I only ever get twos.
231
00:14:19,049 --> 00:14:21,249
Two? One session with me
232
00:14:21,249 --> 00:14:23,709
and he's improved already.
233
00:14:23,709 --> 00:14:27,169
Also need to know what happened
to people from Jamieson Street.
234
00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:45,329
Miss Davenport looked
in library files.
235
00:14:45,329 --> 00:14:48,249
She has information about
people from Jamieson Street.
236
00:14:48,249 --> 00:14:51,109
She suggests we ought to be
heading for Pepworth Street.
237
00:14:51,109 --> 00:14:55,909
Hey-up! Wasn't there somebody
in Pepworth Street who tried to strangle somebody?
238
00:14:55,909 --> 00:14:59,169
Only a close relative,
so it hardly counts.
239
00:14:59,169 --> 00:15:03,449
Didn't they make a film -
Nightmare In Pepworth Street?
240
00:15:03,449 --> 00:15:05,469
You'll be in good hands.
241
00:15:05,469 --> 00:15:09,009
I shall supervise the entire
operation. I'm going off this.
242
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,589
Why do we need women?
243
00:15:10,589 --> 00:15:12,889
They'll be criticising all the time.
244
00:15:12,889 --> 00:15:15,349
Let's sneak away
and leave 'em to it.
245
00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:18,209
And miss a day out with Nora Batty?
246
00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:23,909
I'm with Alvin. If I'm going to spend
the day being criticised by women, I could have stayed at home.
247
00:15:23,909 --> 00:15:27,469
Women have noses like ferrets.
They'll be invaluable.
248
00:15:27,469 --> 00:15:30,269
They'll be a pain.
Well, yes, they'll be a pain.
249
00:15:30,269 --> 00:15:33,809
Otherwise, they would have replaced
bloodhounds, wouldn't they?
250
00:15:46,749 --> 00:15:50,949
Would you say my complexion
is flawed?
251
00:15:50,949 --> 00:15:54,889
I'd say you're going to be floored
if you don't stop sneaking off.
252
00:15:54,889 --> 00:15:58,929
I've been wondering
if I ought to grow a beard.
253
00:15:58,929 --> 00:16:00,729
I think you just ought to grow.
254
00:16:02,309 --> 00:16:06,629
I'm beginning to believe I may have
reached that time of life
255
00:16:06,629 --> 00:16:09,169
when Nature needs a bit of help.
256
00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:11,769
Nature needs a lot of help.
257
00:16:13,449 --> 00:16:14,929
OK.
258
00:16:14,929 --> 00:16:17,169
Let's be adult about this.
259
00:16:17,169 --> 00:16:18,789
We're man and wife.
260
00:16:18,789 --> 00:16:20,929
Let's be honest with each other.
261
00:16:23,169 --> 00:16:27,089
Do you still find me attractive?
262
00:16:27,089 --> 00:16:28,529
What do you mean "still"?
263
00:16:29,569 --> 00:16:32,169
What makes you think
I ever found you attractive?
264
00:16:32,169 --> 00:16:33,729
Oh, come on!
265
00:16:33,729 --> 00:16:36,569
There was a time I was Mr Magic.
266
00:16:36,569 --> 00:16:38,549
Yeah, and I was Miss Led!
267
00:16:38,549 --> 00:16:42,969
I remember nights behind the bakery.
268
00:16:44,449 --> 00:16:49,729
Spent some happy times, didn't we,
leaning on that warm wall?
269
00:16:49,729 --> 00:16:52,849
One warm bakery wall.
270
00:16:52,849 --> 00:16:55,549
You really spoiled me, didn't you(?)
271
00:16:55,549 --> 00:16:58,389
Spared no expense.
272
00:16:58,389 --> 00:17:01,449
I wouldn't mind,
but you didn't even wipe it first.
273
00:17:01,449 --> 00:17:04,809
The whole wall? I couldn't reach.
274
00:17:04,809 --> 00:17:07,689
You were doing your best
to reach everything else.
275
00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:18,929
It's not good.
276
00:17:18,929 --> 00:17:22,109
They're a cautious lot
in Pepworth Street.
277
00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:24,789
It'll be tricky
asking questions down here.
278
00:17:24,789 --> 00:17:26,809
It requires tact and experience.
279
00:17:26,809 --> 00:17:30,629
I expect you, Mr Truelove,
will be making the enquiries.
280
00:17:30,629 --> 00:17:32,309
Supervising.
281
00:17:32,309 --> 00:17:36,589
I'll send one of these two.
By heck! That's experienced.
282
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:39,129
I shall be there
for back-up at all times.
283
00:17:39,129 --> 00:17:41,329
You get my back up at all times.
284
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:46,509
There are some areas where an old
copper should keep a low profile.
285
00:17:46,509 --> 00:17:49,909
We'll send Alvin.
His profile's lower than most.
286
00:17:49,909 --> 00:17:51,869
But in magnificent condition.
287
00:17:51,869 --> 00:17:54,769
I'm sure Nora would like me
to keep it that way.
288
00:17:54,769 --> 00:17:57,589
You can keep it anywhere you like,
as long as it's not near me.
289
00:17:58,789 --> 00:18:02,629
She says things like that in public,
but when we're alone...
290
00:18:02,629 --> 00:18:04,269
I'm even nastier.
291
00:18:04,269 --> 00:18:06,229
I reckon that's a fair description.
292
00:18:06,229 --> 00:18:10,209
I cause her emotional disturbance
and she has to hide it somehow.
293
00:18:10,209 --> 00:18:12,469
Never mind YOUR emotions.
294
00:18:12,469 --> 00:18:14,369
We're here for Smiler's.
295
00:18:14,369 --> 00:18:17,589
I want you to do your best
for Smiler's sake.
296
00:18:17,589 --> 00:18:19,349
I want you to go through
Pepworth Street
297
00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:22,149
and find me a McDonagh.
298
00:18:22,149 --> 00:18:26,429
Well? Are you going,
or are you just going to gab all day?
299
00:18:26,429 --> 00:18:31,149
She's getting edgy,
because she knows I may be walking into the jaws of death.
300
00:18:31,149 --> 00:18:33,129
Only if they think
you're the rent man.
301
00:18:33,129 --> 00:18:37,409
Oh! Can't you find him some overalls
with "rent man" in big letters?
302
00:18:38,489 --> 00:18:40,409
She puts a brave face on.
303
00:18:40,409 --> 00:18:45,269
My missus does that. And it's never
any better than the one she's got.
304
00:18:45,269 --> 00:18:47,769
Don't be all day.
305
00:18:47,769 --> 00:18:49,569
Did you hear that tone of voice?
306
00:18:49,569 --> 00:18:53,649
I can't understand why they don't
make her an honorary traffic warden.
307
00:18:53,649 --> 00:18:58,829
I'll stay here and tell Mrs Batty
the advantages of a washing machine.
308
00:18:58,829 --> 00:19:00,869
I'M the washing machine!
309
00:19:00,869 --> 00:19:03,329
Could do with a new cabinet. Ooh!
310
00:19:04,929 --> 00:19:07,589
I don't know what
they're worried about.
311
00:19:07,589 --> 00:19:11,489
It used to be quite
a nice place to live. Mm.
312
00:19:11,489 --> 00:19:13,889
So did the entire country.
313
00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:19,969
Who's going to knock on the doors?
314
00:19:19,969 --> 00:19:21,609
It'll have to be thee, Alvin.
315
00:19:21,609 --> 00:19:24,409
Me and Truly look too respectable.
316
00:19:24,409 --> 00:19:26,709
So what does that make me?
317
00:19:26,709 --> 00:19:29,789
By the time they've figured
that out, you'll be at the door.
318
00:19:29,789 --> 00:19:32,409
I can do that.
I can do "be at the door".
319
00:19:32,409 --> 00:19:34,129
What do I say?
320
00:19:34,129 --> 00:19:36,489
Ask them if there's
a McDonagh in the area.
321
00:19:36,489 --> 00:19:39,469
Tell them you're looking
on behalf of an old friend.
322
00:19:39,469 --> 00:19:41,769
Nobody's looking for trouble. Right.
323
00:19:41,769 --> 00:19:45,789
Suppose there is a McDonagh there,
how do I know if it's the right one?
324
00:19:45,789 --> 00:19:48,589
You could start by discounting
the ones who are not female.
325
00:19:48,589 --> 00:19:53,929
If it is a woman, ask her if
she's the one who's expecting Smiler to look her up sometime.
326
00:19:53,929 --> 00:19:56,309
Where will you be?
Just round the corner.
327
00:19:56,309 --> 00:19:58,189
Keeping an eye out for you.
328
00:19:58,189 --> 00:20:00,129
Could you make that both eyes?
329
00:20:00,129 --> 00:20:02,129
Done.
330
00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:09,409
To me! To me!
331
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:11,989
I can't see you for the shed.
332
00:20:11,989 --> 00:20:16,129
Then take a wild guess!
Oh, put it down. Put it down.
333
00:20:16,129 --> 00:20:18,189
You're like a pair of tulips.
334
00:20:18,189 --> 00:20:19,869
I told you it was too big.
335
00:20:19,869 --> 00:20:21,529
It's him that's too big.
336
00:20:21,529 --> 00:20:23,229
You're all lopsided.
337
00:20:23,229 --> 00:20:25,789
No, it's him what's too small.
338
00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:30,609
Why don't you buy yourself
a useful motor vehicle?
339
00:20:30,609 --> 00:20:33,489
Because you're more
environmentally friendly.
340
00:20:33,489 --> 00:20:37,609
You don't go through the car wash.
You don't drip oil on my shop front.
341
00:20:37,609 --> 00:20:41,629
And I'll thank you to stop making
nasty suggestions to old ladies.
342
00:20:41,629 --> 00:20:44,589
It wasn't nasty.
It sounded nasty enough to me.
343
00:20:44,589 --> 00:20:46,089
Put it back.
344
00:20:57,049 --> 00:20:59,489
Go on... Go on.
345
00:21:04,569 --> 00:21:06,249
I should have gone with him.
346
00:21:06,249 --> 00:21:09,189
He might need the skills
I've perfected in t'greenwood.
347
00:21:09,189 --> 00:21:12,489
I don't see picking bluebells
being all that useful, do you?
348
00:21:16,429 --> 00:21:18,289
GROWLING
349
00:21:19,309 --> 00:21:21,649
What's he fretting about now?
350
00:21:21,649 --> 00:21:26,469
It's dogs.
He's not too keen on going where there might be strange dogs.
351
00:21:26,469 --> 00:21:31,529
I expect he was once
picked up by a gun dog and dropped at somebody's feet.
352
00:21:45,969 --> 00:21:47,909
It says, "Beware of the Dog."
353
00:21:47,909 --> 00:21:50,289
Of course it says,
"Beware of the Dog."
354
00:21:50,289 --> 00:21:55,349
You don't think they're going
to stick up a notice saying, "Our dog's a pussy cat."
355
00:21:55,349 --> 00:21:57,189
They always say that.
356
00:21:57,189 --> 00:21:59,449
It's just a bluff
to scare people off.
357
00:21:59,449 --> 00:22:01,889
And it works. All right.
358
00:22:01,889 --> 00:22:03,589
Billy, you'll have to go.
359
00:22:03,589 --> 00:22:05,689
What about thee?
360
00:22:05,689 --> 00:22:08,109
I look too much like
an authority figure.
361
00:22:08,109 --> 00:22:13,249
You, on the other hand,
impress strangers immediately as a total barmpot.
362
00:22:13,249 --> 00:22:14,949
Well, get on with it!
363
00:22:14,949 --> 00:22:16,669
Oh, go together.
364
00:22:16,669 --> 00:22:18,129
We'll go together.
365
00:22:19,729 --> 00:22:21,689
Are you sure it's a bluff?
366
00:22:21,689 --> 00:22:26,509
It's a bluff. Trust me.
I know how these things work.
367
00:22:26,509 --> 00:22:28,189
I don't care if there is a dog.
368
00:22:28,189 --> 00:22:32,549
My ancestors lived in t'greenwood,
remember? It's in the stare.
369
00:22:32,549 --> 00:22:36,809
Domination. Tha's got to turn
thee eyeballs into lethal weapons.
370
00:22:38,389 --> 00:22:42,289
I'm going to face a dangerous dog
with a dangerous lunatic.
371
00:22:48,389 --> 00:22:51,069
No. Not this size.
372
00:22:51,069 --> 00:22:53,529
I look like Old Father Time.
373
00:22:53,529 --> 00:22:55,789
Must be the shortest day
of the year.
374
00:22:55,789 --> 00:22:57,729
Here, try this one.
375
00:23:01,009 --> 00:23:02,649
No.
376
00:23:02,649 --> 00:23:04,989
I want a small beard.
377
00:23:04,989 --> 00:23:06,909
A little pointy thing.
378
00:23:06,909 --> 00:23:09,349
Something that says - stylish...
379
00:23:09,349 --> 00:23:11,069
well bred...
380
00:23:11,069 --> 00:23:13,649
slightly dangerous.
381
00:23:13,649 --> 00:23:16,149
How about something which says...
382
00:23:16,149 --> 00:23:17,609
make your mind up?
383
00:23:22,729 --> 00:23:26,929
Then again, I liked the way some of
the Spaniards used to look
384
00:23:26,929 --> 00:23:30,029
when they were sword-fencing
in the old days.
385
00:23:30,029 --> 00:23:35,369
Yes. Yes. I think the key here
is something Spanish.
386
00:23:35,369 --> 00:23:37,309
That's it. Good choice.
387
00:23:37,309 --> 00:23:41,169
Spanish is a bit more expensive,
but you get a free onion.
388
00:23:53,589 --> 00:23:56,729
However did he get in
that condition?
389
00:23:56,729 --> 00:23:59,929
I always think it's best not to ask.
390
00:23:59,929 --> 00:24:03,369
He got his trousers savaged
by this bluff.
391
00:24:03,369 --> 00:24:06,209
He needs trouser transplant.
392
00:24:06,209 --> 00:24:08,149
You can all look away.
393
00:24:08,149 --> 00:24:09,929
It's very embarrassing.
394
00:24:09,929 --> 00:24:12,489
Not to mention breezy.
Another few seconds,
395
00:24:12,489 --> 00:24:15,729
he'd have had it dominated,
but he ran out of trouser.
396
00:24:15,729 --> 00:24:17,729
Oh, it were a nasty beggar.
397
00:24:17,729 --> 00:24:20,449
Same nature as the wife's sister.
398
00:24:20,449 --> 00:24:23,129
Weren't you going to
dominate it with your eye?
399
00:24:23,129 --> 00:24:25,569
It wasn't looking at me eye,
was it?
400
00:24:25,569 --> 00:24:28,709
And we don't want to look at
anything either.
401
00:24:28,709 --> 00:24:30,529
Get something on!
402
00:24:31,569 --> 00:24:33,309
I love it when they're full of
sympathy(!)
403
00:24:33,309 --> 00:24:36,489
You begin to see why Robin Hood
wore tights!
404
00:24:36,489 --> 00:24:38,989
Oh, let Smiler
find his own McDonagh.
405
00:24:38,989 --> 00:24:40,709
I've had enough.
406
00:24:40,709 --> 00:24:43,789
Is that it? Finished?
407
00:24:43,789 --> 00:24:45,809
I thought we'd come for a ride.
408
00:24:45,809 --> 00:24:49,589
There's a skirt in the boot, Mr
Hardcastle, ready for the cleaners.
409
00:24:49,589 --> 00:24:51,909
You can wrap it
round you, if you like.
410
00:24:51,909 --> 00:24:53,809
That's very good of you, love.
411
00:24:53,809 --> 00:24:57,049
It's very draughty on the back of
Entwistle's truck.
412
00:25:04,629 --> 00:25:06,349
I've got news for you.
413
00:25:06,349 --> 00:25:07,409
This'll cheer you up.
414
00:25:08,509 --> 00:25:10,849
What makes you think
I need cheering up?
415
00:25:11,929 --> 00:25:16,569
They're out there already looking for
your Mavis McDonagh for you. For me?
416
00:25:16,569 --> 00:25:18,449
Well, nobody else placed an order.
417
00:25:19,309 --> 00:25:21,429
What am I going to do
if they find her?
418
00:25:21,429 --> 00:25:24,689
You're going to look her up,
like she said.
419
00:25:24,689 --> 00:25:27,669
It could be the start of
something beautiful, Smiler.
420
00:25:27,669 --> 00:25:31,749
Hey-up, look at this. Back already.
421
00:25:31,749 --> 00:25:34,309
And a strange woman in the back.
422
00:25:34,309 --> 00:25:36,909
They must have found her.
423
00:25:36,909 --> 00:25:39,149
She looks strange, all right.
424
00:25:39,149 --> 00:25:42,449
Smiler,
they've found your Mavis for you.
425
00:25:45,769 --> 00:25:47,849
I'm not going to look up that!
426
00:25:54,829 --> 00:25:57,709
Give us a lift. Follow that car!
427
00:25:57,709 --> 00:26:00,009
In here, Mr Simmonite.
428
00:26:00,009 --> 00:26:02,009
Mrs Batty was wanting
to go for a ride.
429
00:26:05,189 --> 00:26:06,929
Mind my flowers.
430
00:26:44,949 --> 00:26:47,969
Don't bother, let him go!
431
00:27:02,629 --> 00:27:04,949
Howard? You like it?
432
00:27:04,949 --> 00:27:06,989
It's very, um...
433
00:27:06,989 --> 00:27:10,609
Spanish. The word you're
looking for is Spanish.
434
00:27:10,609 --> 00:27:13,549
I got a free onion.
435
00:27:13,549 --> 00:27:15,749
The word I was looking for was...
436
00:27:15,749 --> 00:27:17,709
dangerous. That's it.
437
00:27:17,709 --> 00:27:21,769
For spilling egg on it. Promise me
you won't spill egg on it.
438
00:27:21,769 --> 00:27:23,829
I hate to see a beard
with egg on it.
439
00:27:23,829 --> 00:27:26,829
I won't spill egg on it.
440
00:27:26,829 --> 00:27:29,149
I didn't know you liked onions.
441
00:27:29,149 --> 00:27:30,889
I would have given you an onion.
442
00:27:30,889 --> 00:27:32,549
You'd give me an onion?
443
00:27:32,549 --> 00:27:34,609
You only had to ask.
444
00:27:34,609 --> 00:27:37,189
Oh, Marina!
445
00:27:37,189 --> 00:27:40,389
Oh, Howard!
446
00:27:40,389 --> 00:27:42,969
Not in public!
447
00:27:42,969 --> 00:27:46,289
No problem. Step into my office.
448
00:28:09,969 --> 00:28:13,189
Hello, Barry. Hello, love.
449
00:28:13,189 --> 00:28:14,669
Going out?
450
00:28:16,409 --> 00:28:19,849
If you can wait a bit,
I'll drive you in the car.
451
00:28:29,509 --> 00:28:33,529
So, you didn't find a McDonagh?
452
00:28:33,529 --> 00:28:34,969
We found a dog.
453
00:28:34,969 --> 00:28:37,169
It's not
only tights...
454
00:28:37,169 --> 00:28:41,489
Billy looks great
in a skirt. Bog off!
455
00:28:41,489 --> 00:28:44,909
Three offers of marriage
and one for a weekend in Blackpool,
456
00:28:44,909 --> 00:28:47,889
before we could get him back
inside some trousers.
457
00:28:47,889 --> 00:28:49,349
They're lying.
458
00:28:49,349 --> 00:28:51,229
It was a weekend in Cleethorpes.
459
00:28:51,279 --> 00:28:55,829
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