All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine s23e11 A Musical Passing.eng

Did you know old Muscroft was dead?
I hope they've double-checked, else he'll be back to cause more misery.

They'll be burying him tomorrow
so he must be reasonably convincing.

I thought he'd live forever.
You can't imagine God wanting him.

You know him.
He'll have pushed his way in.

It'll test the vicar having to find
something nice to say about him.

I believe under those circumstances

they have a dispensation
which allows them to lie.

TOM:
Right, Smiler, get yourself a chair.

What am I supposed to do?

Be the audience.
Judge the effect of the performance.

See if you can see the lips moving.

My name is Waldo.
A funny thing happened to me on the way to the kennel.

What are you waiting for?

To hear about the funny thing that
happened on the way to the kennel.

I haven't written it yet!
Did you see the lips move?

His lips were moving all the time.

Not him, me!
Did you see MY lips move?

I wasn't watching your lips.
He was the one that was speaking.

Hey. Can you see MY lips move?
Move your bodies and get some of that furniture moved.

One day Waldo and I will be famous,
starting with the Huddersfield Fair.

You'll be telling everybody
I used to rehearse in your shop.

Hmm, for hire of rehearsal room
for, let's see, er... several hours per week...

We're going, we're going!

There'll be nobody there.

Do you think
we ought to go to the funeral? Why? He won't come to ours.

Typical Muscroft. Anti-social to the
end. What's up with Billy Ingleton?

I've seen this before.
You're not supposed to scratch it, but it gets unbearable.

All those years dreaming of knowing
Pavarotti. It was bound to get him in the end. Looks like both ends.

Hey up, lads. Hey, come and look at
this. Oh, you're going to love it!

If it's his rash,
I don't wish to look.

I haven't got a rash.
Are you going to have a look or not?

I once had a nasty experience
following an invitation like that.

Oh, this is one-off is this.

There she is. Something rare is this.

A prehistoric transit van.

Billy Ingleton's found a fossil.

This is really exciting.
I bet Muscroft's having more fun than this.

I bet he's a better colour.
Wait till you hear where this one's different.

Just listen to this.

Get ready for this.

ENGINE ROARS

A noisy diesel engine.
We could have missed this(!)

Not the engine. Listen to this.

MUSIC: "The Blue Danube"

HOOT-HOOT!

How about that, then?
A travelling fairground organ.

And she's mine. All mine.

JUMBLE OF NOTES AND SOUNDS

Well. I'm an honest man.
It has to be admitted. She needs a touch of work.

PHWRRRT!

I know what it is. I've got it!
Barry, you startled me! I know where I've been going wrong.

Oh, Barry, you've got another woman.

No, I've been going wrong with golf,
with the captain. He hates me.

That's better than another woman.

He hates me and it's not my fault.
It's always been because I've been involved with other people.

Well, I'm avoiding people who are
likely to get me into trouble with the captain.

The solution is - no more people.
Cancel all social engagements.

Barry, we've got no social
engagements. Good thinking, Glenda.

Apparently, Billy Ingleton went
over 200 miles to buy an old van full of fairground organ.

Oh, the things they do collect.
Tell me about it.

Does this fairground organ work?
I expect so.

Not that I'm trying to pry
under that lovely hat,

but are you thinking
what I'm thinking? Well...

I was thinking it could be useful
at the Huddersfield fair. It could draw us a crowd.

That hat could draw us a crowd.

I like a serious hat. I like a hat
that says "no trespassing".

In my opinion, Mrs Batty,
you've cracked it.

Our Roz could have done
with a hat like that.

She weren't the type to get away
with no trespassing. Took her all her time to keep 'em off the grass.

What do you mean...?
Drink your coffee!

Well, if we've got an organ
and he can't find a monkey, I know just the person we can use.

Would he be willing to take it
to the fair, or shall we have to make him an offer he can't refuse?

Billy Ingleton?
Of course he'll be willing.

Besides, he'll be like all men,
pining to show it off somewhere.

We'll have to listen to that organ
first - make sure it works before we get him involved.

I wish mine had a mechanical hobby.

My Barry's given up ALL hobbies.

He's breaking off all human contact.

They all do, love, when they work
for a building society. It's a condition of employment.

GRR-RR! GRR-RR!

How long does this rehearsal
go on for? Don't ask me. Nobody tells me anything.

Why aren't you in rehearsal?
I'm not part of the act.

That young lady, whoever she is,
is not part of the act. She is now.

Ah, ha-ha. An agitated Howard.
I usually only see that when Pearl's about.

I just hate to see young ladies
being led astray by showbiz.

Rehearsal in progress?

He's practising ventriloquism
with Waldo.

Then why does he need a young lady?

Listen who's talking.

He says it lends a bit of glamour
to the act.

I hate people lending
MY bit of glamour to their act.

You'll have to compete, Howard.
Be irresistible.

Well, do your best.
You'll have to form your own act.

One that needs
a bit of Marina's glamour.

Tha could be
Ann Zeigler and Webster Booth. She looks a lot like Webster Booth.

What can I do? I can't do anything.

If we pop a ferret in your trousers,
you could do Elvis impressions.

An audience already.

And it's all male.

Oh, Howard, show business
is so exciting. It looks like it.

What's he staring at?

You've got lipstick on.

Oh, it's Waldo.
He's very affectionate.

Waldo wears lipstick? You know
what they're like in showbiz.

You try to defend yourself,
but she kisses you. Oh, don't tell me, I've been there.

Oh, tha never said.
I don't like to talk about it.

ORGAN PLAYS "The Blue Danube"

When I've finished, it won't look
like this. It'll look great.

How long will that be? You won't
recognise it in a week. A week?!

What have you got in mind?
If I pushed her, I could do it in about four days.

- BOTH: Four days?
- What's the hurry?

I'll tell you what the hurry is.
We need it tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow afternoon? Good.

That's settled. Now, get it to play
something more recognisably English.

Have you got any more suggestions?
Yes.

We suggest you stop chatting
and get a move on. We need it tomorrow afternoon.

She's being lured away
by the glitter of showbiz.

YOU can glitter, Howard. I saw you
once, spraying the Christmas tree.

You were visible in the dark
for nearly a week. You need a few sequins here and there,

especially THERE.
Tha'll have to lure her back.

But what can I do?

Think of something to lure her back

from the glitter of show business,
to the glitter of monkey business.

I can't play any musical instrument.
Tha'll have to sing or dance.

Or both. You can do both.
Nature has kindly arranged things

so that a person can dance
at one end and sing at the other.

"That Howard," they'll say.
"Talented at both ends."

Trouble is...the bits in between.

Could I learn to sing and dance?

We can soon find out.
Show us a step or two. Here?

Be a little twinkle-toes.

Over there, by the DJ gubbins.
Nobody's watching. Give us a turn.

He often gives ME a turn.

I can't do it on my own.

We'll be your backing group.
You sing, we do the do-wahs.

I can't do it.

I bet with another drink you could.

I call that almost human.

I don't want to rain on his parade,
but it's a fairground organ, not a circus.

He could crack his whip -
that'd draw attention.

Or he could crack his FACE!
I hate it!

It's YOUR face, love.
If you can't stand it, who can?

I don't mean the face,
I mean the outfit.

Can he even CRACK his whip?

Not in here!
This place is full of antiques.

Antique? I may be growing old
but it's only on the outside.

I refuse to grow old. My view is
if you can't take it with you, don't go.

I don't miss not being young now.

You nearly missed it first time.

Well, I suppose it's different if
you're not doing anything with it.

Not long ago,
you felt you could do anything.

Then you marry, find out how useless
they are, and have to do everything!

Their incompetence finally forms
a bond between you. It's true.

They sneak up on you affection-wise,
play on your sympathy. On yours?!

He'd have found it easier
learning to play the piano.

You have to maintain the impression
that you're not there just for amusement.

Ooh, you pulled that off
pretty well.

That's where a lot of us went wrong.

I didn't. I was always afraid
they'd find where I'd hid my purse.

He doesn't look as though
he ever went far wrong, either.

Won't his trousers get in the way?
They're a bit baggy.

The eye of the trained outfitter
would never blame the trousers.

He's not filling
the available space!

And as it's for charity,

I shall be hiring the costume
very reasonably.

I thought you'd be donating it!

I must get a hearing aid.
I'm going as deaf as a brick.

Dream, when you're feeling blue

Do wah, do wah
Do wah, do wah

Dream, that's the thing to do

Do wah, do wah, do wah, do wah

Just watch the smoke rings rise
in the air... Do wah!

You'll find your share... Do wah!

..of memories there, so...

Dream the whole day through

Do wah, do wah
Do wah, do wah

Dream, and it'll all come true
Do wah, do wah, do wah, do wah

Things never are
as bad as they seem...

I thought he was unnecessarily rude.

Tha's just miffed
cos he didn't book thee. He came in just as you were improving.

We were filled with admiration.
It's been a privilege to do-wah for you.

All I had to say was do-wah
and I kept forgetting my line.

There must be something show-bizzy
I can do with Marina.

Oh, who's a pretty van, then?

At least it looks CLEAN.

Hey up, lads!
Hey, have a look at this.

I'm so proud

cos they said
that I, me, Billy Ingleton would never amount to anything.

They even gave it to me in writing.

I believed them. I took it for
granted that I'd be nobody, forever,

that I was doomed
to wander the streets

through a cruel world,
without recognition.

Even at family gatherings,
my dad used to say, "Oh, this is our thingamabob."

And my mother used to say...

"It's our whatsisname."

Obviously my parents didn't want me.
But the world should see me now.

If they could see me now
That little gang of mine...

All right, lads.
Don't just stand there. Get in.

All aboard!

I thought you said
you'd take us to the fair in style.

In Hull, this is style.

Meanest man in Yorkshire.
I thought that was the inspector.

It probably is now.
He's on the short-list anyway.

I think it's rotten -
her, on her own, at his funeral.

Much as I dislike the inspector,
I'd go to his funeral.

Willingly. Inspectors don't die.
They retire and are handed back into the custody of their wives.

I feel better already. More than
you can say for Mrs Muscroft.

If he was such a pain,
why is she weeping?

Must've loved him.

Women are funny that way.

They're funnier than that!

Oh... Oh, it's good, isn't it? Yes.

Oh, this is the life.
A man alone in the wilderness puts things in perspective.

Who needs golf?

Oh, stop lying, Barry.

YOU need golf.

Oh, pull yourself together...
watch some birds.

Watch some wildlife.

The captain's car!

It is! The captain's car -
broken down way out here.

I can help! I could go for petrol!

Steady, my captain!
Help is on the way.

This is it - nobody'll ever
recognise us under all this.

But how can anyone
look glamorous in this lot?

I don't know how you do it,
but you do it.

Oh, Howard.

Oh, Marina...

Oh, heck!

Hello, Howard!

I'm coming, my captain!

You again! How dare you interfere
when Mrs Rimmington and I were planning our competition strategy?

Oh, really!

She's on her own. Well,
he were never going to be popular.

Yeah, but on her own...

Mrs Rimmington kindly pointed out
that, er, well, it would be a shame for us to fall out,

especially since you were
only trying to help.

And she also reminds me
of how impressed I am with your ability as a golfing man.

Me? Yeah, I bet you thought
we hadn't noticed.

I don't know what to say.
Good thinking.

Why don't we keep it that way?

I mean, it would be unwise
to let our competitors know

that Mrs Rimmington and I have
these little...planning sessions.

Don't want to put the opposition
on their guard now, do we? No! No...

Could I ask if I'll be welcome
at the golf club? Welcome?

You?!

Of course you are!

More than welcome! Ohh!

Oh! I...

Oh!

We have entrusted Wilbert
to God's mercy, and we now commit his body to the ground.

Earth to earth, ashes to ashes,
dust to dust...

ORGAN PLAYS "Oh, I Do Like To Be
Beside The Seaside"

In sure and certain hope
of resurrection to eternal life...

Sorry about the organ. No, love.
It proved a lot of people wrong.

They all said
it'd be a QUIET funeral.

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