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1
00:00:53,074 --> 00:00:55,073
Who's steerin'?
2
00:00:55,074 --> 00:01:00,314
He's steering. I thought YOU were!
Well, someone better START!
3
00:01:04,754 --> 00:01:12,153
♪ The colour of summer's gone,
Of golden days when I was young,
4
00:01:12,154 --> 00:01:16,713
♪ Of girls who came
but soon moved on
5
00:01:16,714 --> 00:01:19,434
♪ Is in my summer wine
6
00:01:20,194 --> 00:01:23,453
♪ The perfumes of earth and vine
7
00:01:23,454 --> 00:01:27,073
♪ Of meadows
when the rain has gone
8
00:01:27,074 --> 00:01:30,993
♪ Of women with their finery on
9
00:01:30,994 --> 00:01:35,133
♪ Is in my summer wine
10
00:01:35,134 --> 00:01:41,533
♪ The memories
I can see Here in my cup
11
00:01:41,534 --> 00:01:46,433
♪ Of sweet, short days,
Bitter days
12
00:01:46,434 --> 00:01:49,594
♪ Now all drunk up
13
00:01:50,154 --> 00:01:53,833
♪ The taste of
the life that slips
14
00:01:53,834 --> 00:01:57,533
♪ From day to day
through fingers blind
15
00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:01,173
♪ The honey from a woman's lips
16
00:02:01,174 --> 00:02:04,733
♪ Is in my summer wine
17
00:02:04,734 --> 00:02:08,733
♪ I drink now to mellow days
18
00:02:08,734 --> 00:02:12,213
♪ To grapes forever
pressed and gone
19
00:02:12,214 --> 00:02:16,253
♪ To girls
whose warmth became the sun
20
00:02:16,254 --> 00:02:21,274
♪ And gave my summer wine. ♪
21
00:02:28,254 --> 00:02:34,513
This time last year
the tar was melting in the road outside the TV rentals.
22
00:02:34,514 --> 00:02:39,553
Hot? The Far East now,
my word, THAT was hot.
23
00:02:39,554 --> 00:02:45,313
Whenever it's hot the bird
in the dry cleaners wears almost nothing under her overall.
24
00:02:45,314 --> 00:02:48,634
When do YOU go to the dry cleaners?
Whenever it's hot!
25
00:02:50,274 --> 00:02:54,494
They even turned the heat down
in the electricity showrooms.
26
00:03:07,314 --> 00:03:13,073
Have you any idea how many
unseemly substances may be on that blade of grass?
27
00:03:14,714 --> 00:03:17,914
It'll be covered in THAT
for a start!
28
00:03:22,174 --> 00:03:27,253
Be warm for Sam this afternoon.
Well, it always is in hospital.
29
00:03:27,254 --> 00:03:31,733
I thought he were gettin' better.
Maybe they'll let 'im sit outside.
30
00:03:31,734 --> 00:03:33,034
Maybe.
31
00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:36,093
Any road, we'll cheer him up
tonight.
32
00:03:36,094 --> 00:03:39,653
Oh yes? God's gift
to the National Health, are we?
33
00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:43,233
And no more language in front of
his wife!
34
00:03:43,234 --> 00:03:46,934
THAT were 'n EMERGENCY!
I'd dropped me fag down me welly!
35
00:03:47,274 --> 00:03:50,073
You shouldn't smoke in the wards!
36
00:03:50,074 --> 00:03:53,733
For an HOUR?
What d'they expect you to do?
37
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:59,433
Have some consideration for Sam's
condition. I mean, he's had to give up PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING!
38
00:03:59,434 --> 00:04:02,213
They're not consistent about THAT.
39
00:04:02,214 --> 00:04:06,874
If he's cutting out all what's bad
for him, why's his missus there?
40
00:04:07,094 --> 00:04:11,634
Maybe he likes her better
now he's near death's door.
41
00:04:12,414 --> 00:04:13,733
Would you?
42
00:04:13,734 --> 00:04:17,693
No... but he IS under
strong medication.
43
00:04:17,694 --> 00:04:20,314
She's a hard bitch, is Sybil.
44
00:04:20,994 --> 00:04:23,574
She's good with flaky pastry.
45
00:04:23,834 --> 00:04:26,473
She keeps his house immaculate.
46
00:04:26,474 --> 00:04:29,273
Well, she never lets anyone in it!
47
00:04:29,274 --> 00:04:33,493
SAM'S had to spend best part of
his married life in GARDEN SHED!
48
00:04:33,494 --> 00:04:37,313
Well, she must be SOME
consolation to him.
49
00:04:37,314 --> 00:04:41,913
If ANY mortal thing could make
death seem palatable, Sybil could.
50
00:04:49,754 --> 00:04:53,093
I must say, Sam's made
the best of it.
51
00:04:53,094 --> 00:04:59,414
Preserved his marriage by combining
Christian patience and a twice weekly frolic with Lily, Bless Her.
52
00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:03,473
Aye, she's been good to 'im
has Lily, Bless Her.
53
00:05:03,474 --> 00:05:07,354
Eh, he'll be SICK if he has
to give THAT up as well!
54
00:05:11,914 --> 00:05:15,414
Ey up! That's old Fairburn's car!
55
00:05:15,554 --> 00:05:17,954
Fairburn's Co-op Tailoring.
56
00:05:18,514 --> 00:05:24,434
What's he doing up here in his
STITCHED LAPELS? He's not your TYPICAL nature lover.
57
00:05:24,574 --> 00:05:27,453
I understood
he was a stamp collector.
58
00:05:27,454 --> 00:05:29,313
That's more like it.
59
00:05:29,314 --> 00:05:34,893
British Empire and Possessions...
which won't take up a lot of anybody's time these days.
60
00:05:34,894 --> 00:05:37,753
Well, he can't play bar billiards.
61
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:42,033
He made a RIGHT hack t'other night
at the Shoulder of Mutton.
62
00:05:42,034 --> 00:05:45,173
It's stuffy in the Co-op Tailoring.
63
00:05:45,174 --> 00:05:51,914
I expect the poor chap's come here
to rid his lungs of accumulated Harris Tweed and flecks of mohair.
64
00:05:52,134 --> 00:05:55,574
Well, it's none of our business
why he's here...
65
00:05:56,334 --> 00:06:00,154
Which I find makes it rather
MORE fascinating.
66
00:06:02,394 --> 00:06:06,514
'Ello, 'ello!
So THAT'S what he's doin'!
67
00:06:08,234 --> 00:06:11,573
It's Her-From-The-Bacon-Counter!
68
00:06:11,574 --> 00:06:13,914
The DIRTY DEVIL!
69
00:06:14,034 --> 00:06:17,993
That's the LAST TIME I let 'im
round MY inside leg!
70
00:06:17,994 --> 00:06:21,553
What kind of carry-on is THAT
for a stamp collector?
71
00:06:21,554 --> 00:06:23,973
Get down! He'll SEE you!
72
00:06:23,974 --> 00:06:28,754
Cheeky Prawn! 'Ey, I wonder if
he gets his DIVI on that?!
73
00:06:30,554 --> 00:06:34,474
Put your eyes back in!
They'll roll down the hill!
74
00:06:34,634 --> 00:06:40,114
Tell thee what, I 'ope for her sake
he's slicker at that than he is at bar billiards!
75
00:06:54,514 --> 00:06:56,953
'Ey up! That's a picture!
76
00:06:56,954 --> 00:06:59,754
Oh, come away! Come ON!
77
00:07:06,114 --> 00:07:09,633
Now Lily, you know it's NO use.
78
00:07:09,634 --> 00:07:14,613
You can't go visiting Sam in
hospital... not while Sybil's there.
79
00:07:14,614 --> 00:07:18,514
I wouldn't mind, but she doesn't
even LIKE him.
80
00:07:18,634 --> 00:07:21,753
She doesn't have to.
She's married to him.
81
00:07:21,754 --> 00:07:23,434
'Scuse me.
82
00:07:24,114 --> 00:07:27,473
Oh, I like your knickers, Lily!
83
00:07:27,474 --> 00:07:32,614
Do you? Got to keep up appearances.
I'm not getting any younger.
84
00:07:32,774 --> 00:07:38,454
Come in. Don't stand there.
You'll have HER-ACROSS needing A HINGE ON HER FACE!
85
00:07:40,054 --> 00:07:45,434
It can't be easy keeping one eye
on telly and t'other on me.
86
00:07:52,194 --> 00:07:56,714
Sit yourselves down.
I'll get some glasses.
87
00:08:00,234 --> 00:08:03,073
Does his wife stay the full hour?
88
00:08:03,074 --> 00:08:05,594
Every minute. She knits!
89
00:08:07,434 --> 00:08:11,094
She goes to visit him and KNITS?
90
00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:16,533
Sit down, you've time for a beer.
91
00:08:16,534 --> 00:08:19,114
Aye, we've time for a beer, love.
92
00:08:23,894 --> 00:08:28,953
I'd like to talk Nora Batty
into these piggies!
93
00:08:28,954 --> 00:08:32,314
Put it away! PIGGY-PIG!
PUT IT AWAY!
94
00:08:35,674 --> 00:08:40,153
She fills every minute FULL
of THOSE kind of excitements.
95
00:08:40,154 --> 00:08:45,813
If he had ANOTHER attack I wonder
if she'd DROP A SINGLE STITCH!
96
00:08:45,814 --> 00:08:49,434
All right, I can't visit...
but I've baked more buns.
97
00:08:51,494 --> 00:08:54,754
Oh GOD! Not MORE buns!
98
00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:05,674
There's plenty if you'd like one.
No, we'll just 'ave the beer, love.
99
00:09:05,774 --> 00:09:08,794
That'll leave more for Sam.
100
00:09:14,714 --> 00:09:18,134
Well, here's wishing all the best
to Sam.
101
00:09:27,254 --> 00:09:30,453
When you see 'im,
tell 'im to shape 'is self.
102
00:09:30,454 --> 00:09:33,754
Tell 'im to write.
I've only 'ad ONE letter.
103
00:09:40,354 --> 00:09:44,893
"Dear Lily. Did I leave
me reading glasses?
104
00:09:44,894 --> 00:09:49,733
"A bloke here knows you from
the Three Horse Shoes with a hernia called Trevor.
105
00:09:49,734 --> 00:09:53,874
"I haven't got to lift,
but I'm doing nicely. Sam"
106
00:09:56,374 --> 00:10:00,453
It's been 3 weeks now and THAT's
the ONLY word I've had!
107
00:10:00,454 --> 00:10:03,613
Give over, love,
we've kept you posted.
108
00:10:03,614 --> 00:10:07,633
You can tell that I must be
constantly on his mind.
109
00:10:07,634 --> 00:10:12,573
It's got the authentic ring
of ungovernable passion about it.
110
00:10:12,574 --> 00:10:17,354
He's just glib, is Sam.
And who's this flaming Trevor?
111
00:10:17,434 --> 00:10:20,393
Could be him in the corner.
112
00:10:20,394 --> 00:10:26,073
With screens round?!
They don't put screens round a hernia.
113
00:10:26,074 --> 00:10:30,013
They put screens round Uncle Dudley
when he went in.
114
00:10:30,014 --> 00:10:34,194
YE-ES! Maybe it's compulsory
round Uncle Dudleys?
115
00:10:42,470 --> 00:10:44,789
Your Colin called.
116
00:10:44,790 --> 00:10:46,589
I wish he wouldn't.
117
00:10:46,590 --> 00:10:48,430
He smells rusty.
118
00:10:49,890 --> 00:10:53,569
He wanted to borrow your socket set.
I told him he couldn't.
119
00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:55,950
He hasn't brought
your tenon saw back yet.
120
00:10:57,590 --> 00:11:01,609
I've had the Jehovah's Witnesses
at the front door.
121
00:11:01,610 --> 00:11:05,129
I told 'em -
"Convert someone who lives scruffy."
122
00:11:05,130 --> 00:11:10,069
SAM THINKS
"Good skin... She's always had a good skin..."
123
00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:12,290
"Hoarded it like a miser, though."
124
00:11:14,750 --> 00:11:17,089
And another thing...
125
00:11:17,090 --> 00:11:23,830
"If she'd only given the marriage
bed the same determination she gives to cleaning the house."
126
00:11:32,210 --> 00:11:36,429
"Cosgrave's missus
has decent knees.
127
00:11:36,430 --> 00:11:40,629
"She never takes her eye
off him.
128
00:11:40,630 --> 00:11:43,249
"She squeezes his hand
whenever she can.
129
00:11:43,250 --> 00:11:47,150
"He lets her, when he thinks
nobody's looking.
130
00:11:48,110 --> 00:11:53,649
"She's 45... badly dressed...
and lovely.
131
00:11:53,650 --> 00:11:58,449
"She brings him books
and massive quantities of affection.
132
00:11:58,450 --> 00:12:02,209
"Do him more good than medication.
133
00:12:02,210 --> 00:12:04,770
"She'll have him home in no time.
134
00:12:06,870 --> 00:12:09,649
"A bit of sun wouldn't hurt."
135
00:12:09,650 --> 00:12:13,889
Cosgrave's wife wants to learn
how to sit properly!
136
00:12:13,890 --> 00:12:17,649
She idolises him, woman!
137
00:12:17,650 --> 00:12:21,429
That IS sitting properly!
I knew YOU'D think so.
138
00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:31,330
'Ay up, Sam!
Keep your voice down!
139
00:12:42,910 --> 00:12:45,910
And WHO baked them?
140
00:12:46,050 --> 00:12:48,670
He did! He did! He did!
141
00:12:49,930 --> 00:12:54,709
Er... it were joint...
We all did a bit.
142
00:12:54,710 --> 00:12:57,389
Like your hat.
Don't WE like Sybil's hat?
143
00:12:57,390 --> 00:12:59,389
Ravishing as ever!
144
00:12:59,390 --> 00:13:03,190
And that's only Sam.
145
00:13:04,670 --> 00:13:08,130
Sssssssssss! He DON'T look well!
146
00:13:10,310 --> 00:13:13,629
They only like two to a bed.
147
00:13:13,630 --> 00:13:16,869
Don't we all, hee-hee-hee!
148
00:13:16,870 --> 00:13:17,950
Ouc-c-c-h!
149
00:13:28,210 --> 00:13:31,629
He's not supposed to have food
brought in.
150
00:13:31,630 --> 00:13:35,069
A gesture.
We can take it back again.
151
00:13:35,070 --> 00:13:37,889
Funny bringing it in, then.
152
00:13:37,890 --> 00:13:40,949
Easy... easy... The lid sticks.
153
00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:43,029
I'LL manage!
154
00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:46,789
It's my best bun tin!
Go steady with it!
155
00:13:46,790 --> 00:13:49,409
Allow me, Sybil.
156
00:13:49,410 --> 00:13:52,989
Your BEST bun tin, is it?
157
00:13:52,990 --> 00:13:56,510
And WHAT'S THIS a picture of?
158
00:14:09,830 --> 00:14:11,810
Buckingham Palace!
159
00:14:13,610 --> 00:14:18,310
That is what THEY usually are,
but this one is... er...
160
00:14:21,830 --> 00:14:23,389
St JANE'S.
161
00:14:23,390 --> 00:14:26,109
James, you prawn!
162
00:14:26,110 --> 00:14:28,690
St James, you prawn Palace.
163
00:14:30,250 --> 00:14:33,830
I-I'll take him out.
There's only 2 to a bed.
164
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:39,890
Cheerio, Sam.
165
00:14:43,510 --> 00:14:47,790
Let it be acknowledged, Sybil,
yours ARE superior buns.
166
00:14:48,390 --> 00:14:51,269
It looks like somebody's knee-cap.
167
00:14:51,270 --> 00:14:53,129
Not enough fat.
168
00:14:53,130 --> 00:14:56,869
There's fat enough
where THESE came from!
169
00:14:56,870 --> 00:15:00,009
It's irrelevant,
seeing I'll be dead.
170
00:15:00,010 --> 00:15:05,009
Can't evade your
responsibilities! It's a good start!
171
00:15:05,010 --> 00:15:08,969
He means it!
He's determined to die!
172
00:15:08,970 --> 00:15:12,609
He's improving.
He'll be home next week.
173
00:15:12,610 --> 00:15:16,269
Aye. Once I'm out,
they'll NOT get me back in.
174
00:15:16,270 --> 00:15:21,249
It's all right. It's good enough.
But it's not home, is it?
175
00:15:21,250 --> 00:15:24,149
Since when have you known YOUR home?
176
00:15:24,150 --> 00:15:27,110
Mostly it's been in the back shed.
177
00:15:30,710 --> 00:15:33,749
I've wanted to get
you two on your own.
178
00:15:33,750 --> 00:15:38,949
You're a witness. I want our Colin
to have me woodworking tools.
179
00:15:38,950 --> 00:15:41,129
Put a good face on it.
180
00:15:41,130 --> 00:15:46,109
Your mate can have me best suit.
Foggy? No. Compo? Why not?
181
00:15:46,110 --> 00:15:52,310
I 'ope he can steer it,
or it'll drag 'im round to 'er in Sugden Street.
182
00:16:22,350 --> 00:16:25,589
It's Fred Astaire
and Ginger Rogers!
183
00:16:25,590 --> 00:16:29,550
That man has no idea
of military footwork.
184
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:37,789
We saw thee down by the river.
185
00:16:37,790 --> 00:16:39,910
Down..by..the..river!
186
00:16:41,110 --> 00:16:44,430
With 'er from t' bacon counter!
187
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:55,629
There was no need to embarrass
the man.
188
00:16:55,630 --> 00:17:00,350
'Ay up! I was only pulling 'is leg!
Nobody's going to split on him.
189
00:17:02,830 --> 00:17:05,829
Mum's the word, then? Right?
190
00:17:05,830 --> 00:17:07,189
Relax.
191
00:17:07,190 --> 00:17:11,389
She's only a slip of a thing...
but we love each other.
192
00:17:11,390 --> 00:17:13,629
You great, daft begger!
193
00:17:13,630 --> 00:17:15,829
SLIP of a thing?!
194
00:17:15,830 --> 00:17:20,070
She's built like a brick...!
We don't wish to know that!
195
00:17:21,870 --> 00:17:25,190
Your secret is safe with us.
196
00:17:27,970 --> 00:17:33,150
It's NOT just a physical thing,
it's spiritual, really.
197
00:17:38,890 --> 00:17:44,469
She has eyes like the colour
of me favourite green check in the best pattern book.
198
00:17:44,470 --> 00:17:48,929
A 14 ounce, thorn-proof tweed,
199
00:17:48,930 --> 00:17:51,650
with a faint loved fleck.
200
00:18:24,150 --> 00:18:27,489
Good morning, Sybil.
'Ay up, Sybil. Is Sam 'ome yet?
201
00:18:27,490 --> 00:18:30,710
If 'e was 'ome,
he'd have fixed the squeaky gate.
202
00:18:30,850 --> 00:18:35,229
Thought he was coming home today.
No ambulance till this afternoon.
203
00:18:35,230 --> 00:18:41,490
But... he COULD come home this
morning IF somebody fetched him? If 'e had some transport.
204
00:18:45,590 --> 00:18:48,210
Can you drive it?
205
00:18:52,490 --> 00:18:57,249
I said, can you drive it?
He's not a mechanical cretin.
206
00:18:57,250 --> 00:18:59,270
No... but he's close.
207
00:19:03,550 --> 00:19:08,609
We can't leave Sam
kicking 'is heels all day. 'E wants to be 'ome.
208
00:19:08,610 --> 00:19:11,790
Did you HAVE to leave it
pointing at the river?
209
00:20:09,670 --> 00:20:14,910
Ha... We'll wait out 'ere with Sid
till tha gets the 'ang 'o it.
210
00:20:36,790 --> 00:20:39,489
There's no synchromesh on first.
211
00:20:40,510 --> 00:20:42,530
There isn't now!
212
00:21:08,690 --> 00:21:12,629
Now, there's your letter.
DO take care of yourself, won't you?
213
00:21:12,630 --> 00:21:14,030
Bye.
214
00:21:16,790 --> 00:21:22,069
NO cream cakes, NO animal fats,
NO fornication.
215
00:21:22,070 --> 00:21:24,689
Time you packed it in, anyway.
216
00:21:24,690 --> 00:21:28,330
Cream cakes at your age?!
DISGUSTING!
217
00:21:30,310 --> 00:21:34,269
By hell! No expense spared.
218
00:21:49,350 --> 00:21:51,589
Bonny day!
219
00:21:51,590 --> 00:21:54,690
They forecast rain later.
220
00:21:56,330 --> 00:21:59,950
Hey! There's some cold chips
back 'ere!
221
00:22:01,130 --> 00:22:03,170
Turn off 'ere!
222
00:22:08,630 --> 00:22:09,630
STOP!
223
00:22:17,790 --> 00:22:20,830
What about me ASHES?
224
00:22:21,030 --> 00:22:23,909
Flick them on the floor.
225
00:22:23,910 --> 00:22:26,729
Not me cigarette ash...
226
00:22:26,730 --> 00:22:29,069
my OWN ashes.
227
00:22:29,070 --> 00:22:33,649
My personal residue,
when I've snuffed it.
228
00:22:33,650 --> 00:22:38,310
LISTEN, we'll ALL snuff it,
if you carry on like that.
229
00:22:38,410 --> 00:22:41,169
You're only saying that.
230
00:22:41,170 --> 00:22:45,150
When it comes to the crunch,
I'll have to go on me own.
231
00:23:02,210 --> 00:23:04,350
This is it!
232
00:23:07,910 --> 00:23:10,050
This IS it!
233
00:23:11,050 --> 00:23:14,270
I want 'em scattering just 'ere.
234
00:23:15,590 --> 00:23:18,469
I want you to promise.
235
00:23:18,470 --> 00:23:21,270
It's nice up 'ere.
236
00:23:21,430 --> 00:23:24,450
I can see Ducket's Foundry...
237
00:23:24,690 --> 00:23:27,670
and Mottishaw's Bakery.
238
00:23:28,770 --> 00:23:31,349
I shall know where I am.
239
00:23:31,350 --> 00:23:34,249
They're not likely to build up 'ere.
240
00:23:34,250 --> 00:23:39,010
I don't want anybody goin' through
me with a bleedin' motorway.
241
00:24:01,930 --> 00:24:05,089
'Ay up, Sybil!
We've brought 'im 'ome.
242
00:24:05,090 --> 00:24:10,950
Take 'is boots off!
He's not trampling over me carpets! His boots aren't poorly.
243
00:24:13,350 --> 00:24:17,349
Listen, come and get me
when she's gone to bed.
244
00:24:17,350 --> 00:24:21,129
I want you to sneak me down
to Lily, Bless Her.
245
00:24:21,130 --> 00:24:24,149
You're not ready for Lily,
Bless Her.
246
00:24:24,150 --> 00:24:27,329
Get back into training!
247
00:24:27,330 --> 00:24:31,590
Start with something easier...
Build yourself a garage.
248
00:24:33,910 --> 00:24:36,230
You've GOT to promise.
249
00:24:41,490 --> 00:24:44,829
What's THAT damn thing
parked in t' street?
250
00:24:44,830 --> 00:24:46,790
Oh, not ours.
251
00:25:01,794 --> 00:25:04,973
DON'T forget...
252
00:25:04,974 --> 00:25:07,294
I'm relying on you.
253
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,620
Get off, you daft devil!
254
00:25:57,158 --> 00:25:59,437
Are we sure this is a good idea?
255
00:25:59,438 --> 00:26:03,738
I'm sure it's a bad idea,
but he's RELYING on us, isn't he?
256
00:26:03,898 --> 00:26:07,518
That sounded like thunder.
It will be if Sybil catches us.
257
00:26:20,038 --> 00:26:23,697
Hey up, her bedroom light's
still on.
258
00:26:23,698 --> 00:26:27,717
Maybe she's doing something special
on his first night home.
259
00:26:27,718 --> 00:26:31,238
Like what? Papering a ceiling?
260
00:26:34,178 --> 00:26:37,618
We'll give it 15 minutes.
261
00:26:38,018 --> 00:26:42,037
We CAN'T wait here 15 minutes!
262
00:26:42,038 --> 00:26:46,097
We CAN wait here 15 minutes,
it's a normal thing to do.
263
00:26:46,098 --> 00:26:49,777
We're just 3 people chatting,
that's all.
264
00:26:49,778 --> 00:26:53,037
The thing is,
not to look suspicious.
265
00:26:53,038 --> 00:26:58,518
I FEEL suspicious an' he LOOKS
suspicious. It's a knack I 'ave.
266
00:27:00,438 --> 00:27:04,858
The thing is not to be seen
skulking in the shadows.
267
00:27:09,638 --> 00:27:12,397
I was looking forward to a skulk!
268
00:27:12,398 --> 00:27:15,897
I REALLY was looking forward
to a GOOD skulk!
269
00:27:15,898 --> 00:27:21,697
We do it openly in the lamplight.
Like Lily Marlene.
270
00:27:21,698 --> 00:27:25,477
I feel a right LILY standing 'ere.
271
00:27:34,138 --> 00:27:38,238
Remember... we're just 3 people
standing here talking.
272
00:27:51,738 --> 00:27:56,018
It's all right, we're just 3 people
standing here talking.
273
00:27:58,938 --> 00:28:01,858
I think he likes you.
274
00:28:03,618 --> 00:28:06,518
Couldn't he just wag 'is tail?
275
00:28:15,958 --> 00:28:19,037
Does anyone remember
if the gate squeaks?
276
00:28:39,038 --> 00:28:41,198
Psst!...Sam!
277
00:28:43,718 --> 00:28:45,717
ABOUT time!
278
00:28:45,718 --> 00:28:50,498
I must tell you that you don't look
like you've got animal magnetism.
279
00:28:53,518 --> 00:28:57,138
Can't you postpone
the HEAVY BREATHING?
280
00:28:57,238 --> 00:29:03,638
I have to breathe. It's just a habit
you could break it if you tried.
281
00:29:09,918 --> 00:29:10,918
OOW-W-W!
282
00:29:14,318 --> 00:29:18,198
He's got 100 ways to make
your eyes water!
283
00:29:33,598 --> 00:29:36,877
You're going the LONG way round.
284
00:29:36,878 --> 00:29:43,218
We've got to. We DAREN'T go past
the police station and all those bright lights!
285
00:29:43,458 --> 00:29:50,437
CLEGG THINKS:
"Lord have mercy on this damn fool man being wheeled on a bicycle
286
00:29:50,438 --> 00:29:53,497
"to an unwise assignation
287
00:29:53,498 --> 00:29:55,278
"with no socks on."
288
00:29:57,778 --> 00:30:02,118
"Oh..all right...
Be like that then!"
289
00:30:25,158 --> 00:30:28,257
It's nice and snug in here.
290
00:30:28,258 --> 00:30:31,718
Ha! Not as snug as where Sam is!
291
00:31:14,278 --> 00:31:16,678
What are you doing? AAAH!
292
00:31:35,078 --> 00:31:38,297
It's Sam. He won't wake up.
293
00:31:38,298 --> 00:31:41,478
He's dead!
294
00:31:50,078 --> 00:31:52,558
Come on, Sam.
295
00:31:53,258 --> 00:31:55,258
Stop messing about.
296
00:31:56,258 --> 00:31:59,278
Sam, pack it in.
297
00:32:37,818 --> 00:32:40,978
Quiet. You're not emptying a BATH!
298
00:32:45,138 --> 00:32:49,458
He only wanted a CUDDLE.
Where's the harm in that?
299
00:32:51,378 --> 00:32:55,597
A terminal cuddle.
What a time to go!
300
00:32:55,598 --> 00:33:00,357
I saw him lying there,
and I thought...
301
00:33:00,358 --> 00:33:04,478
Sam, you tactless prat!
302
00:33:05,338 --> 00:33:08,697
'E's dropped us RIGHT in it now.
303
00:33:08,698 --> 00:33:12,557
He thinks it's funny. Did tha see
his face?
304
00:33:12,558 --> 00:33:17,018
He wanted a bit a COMFORT,
that's all!
305
00:33:17,178 --> 00:33:21,398
From the expression on his face,
I think he found it!
306
00:33:22,738 --> 00:33:24,997
You can't trust anybody.
307
00:33:24,998 --> 00:33:32,178
We sneak him out once - and
right away - OFF he goes on this impulsive trip into the infinite!
308
00:33:32,698 --> 00:33:35,517
It will be a shock for Sybil.
309
00:33:35,518 --> 00:33:38,657
God, who's going to tell Sybil?
310
00:33:38,658 --> 00:33:44,678
You hear of people dying in BED,
but, dammit, it's supposed to be YOUR OWN BED.
311
00:33:46,958 --> 00:33:52,217
He ought to go back to Sybil.
It's not right, him being here.
312
00:33:52,218 --> 00:33:55,477
SOME things you can only do at HOME.
313
00:33:55,478 --> 00:34:01,357
Never 'ad much time for that woman,
but I'd not embarrass her with THIS.
314
00:34:01,358 --> 00:34:05,398
You'll have to take him home!
315
00:34:07,458 --> 00:34:08,678
HOW!?!
316
00:34:08,798 --> 00:34:11,477
The same way you brought him!
317
00:34:11,478 --> 00:34:17,037
I've never turned him away before,
and I don't like doing it now,
318
00:34:17,038 --> 00:34:21,618
We all know his proper place now -
and it isn't HERE!
319
00:34:44,218 --> 00:34:49,038
Honestly - you'd think he'd never
ridden a bike before!
320
00:34:50,178 --> 00:34:57,557
We CAN'T wheel him through the
streets like that. He's got to look NATURAL.
321
00:34:57,558 --> 00:35:00,018
Don't tell ME - TELL HIM!
322
00:35:00,398 --> 00:35:04,798
It's no good. We'll have to
borrow Sid's van again.
323
00:35:11,638 --> 00:35:14,937
Listen, somebody's at the window.
324
00:35:14,938 --> 00:35:17,858
Don't talk wet -we're upstairs.
325
00:35:23,918 --> 00:35:29,037
Oh God! There IS
somebody at the window. Go and see who it is.
326
00:35:29,038 --> 00:35:32,998
And be a male chauvinist pig?
How about equal opportunity?
327
00:35:35,598 --> 00:35:40,237
Worm! Expecting your wife to go -
it could be ANYBODY!
328
00:35:40,238 --> 00:35:43,117
Some lunatic desperate for a woman!
329
00:35:43,118 --> 00:35:44,798
See - it's for you!
330
00:35:56,278 --> 00:36:01,058
You can relax, it's nobody
who wants to bite your neck.
331
00:36:01,138 --> 00:36:02,597
It's Clegg!
332
00:36:02,598 --> 00:36:05,617
What does he want at this time!
333
00:36:05,618 --> 00:36:09,158
I'm going to find out, aren't I?
334
00:36:31,698 --> 00:36:36,197
I thought I could wake you without
disturbing Ivy.
335
00:36:36,198 --> 00:36:38,978
You've made a right bog of it!
336
00:36:39,418 --> 00:36:43,457
I was standing on me bike,
Me bike slipped.
337
00:36:43,458 --> 00:36:46,978
You know, I've got potty friends.
338
00:37:00,098 --> 00:37:01,757
WELL?
339
00:37:01,758 --> 00:37:03,918
Nothing, really.
340
00:37:05,238 --> 00:37:08,437
NOTHING! At this time of night?
341
00:37:08,438 --> 00:37:11,618
I don't mean it's not important.
342
00:37:11,718 --> 00:37:13,917
He came to tell me...
343
00:37:13,918 --> 00:37:15,677
poor old Sam's dead.
344
00:37:15,678 --> 00:37:19,397
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
345
00:37:19,398 --> 00:37:20,677
Me too!
346
00:37:20,678 --> 00:37:23,438
It's not unexpected.
347
00:37:23,598 --> 00:37:28,057
Funny, why tell you
at this hour? Why not?
348
00:37:28,058 --> 00:37:32,277
In a hurry, too!
I SAW him, scuttling away.
349
00:37:32,278 --> 00:37:36,677
You've had that effect
on my friends for years.
350
00:37:36,678 --> 00:37:39,258
Well you know such rogues.
351
00:37:39,418 --> 00:37:42,477
Have you TOLD me EVERYTHING?
352
00:37:42,478 --> 00:37:45,477
No secrets
between husband and wife!
353
00:37:45,478 --> 00:37:50,157
That's RICH! You undress
behind the wardrobe door.
354
00:37:50,158 --> 00:37:55,257
You'd sooner hop on one leg than let
me lamp your infinite varieties.
355
00:37:55,258 --> 00:37:58,757
Just like my mother said!
356
00:37:58,758 --> 00:38:06,178
"You want to talk about wallpaper,
and all they want is the rolls of fat at the top of your leg!"
357
00:38:07,778 --> 00:38:12,337
SID THINKS:
"How can you refuse a late mate the use of your chip van.
358
00:38:12,338 --> 00:38:14,957
"Just don't get caught, that's all.
359
00:38:14,958 --> 00:38:19,077
"Poor old Sam. You wonder
about life after death.
360
00:38:19,078 --> 00:38:26,478
"You never dreamed it would
consist of falling into the hands of them three dozy beggars."
361
00:38:52,038 --> 00:38:54,237
Shut up, will ya?
362
00:38:54,238 --> 00:38:58,177
A dead man's hand,
how would you like it?
363
00:39:02,038 --> 00:39:06,737
Will you pack it in,
we nearly had an accident.
364
00:39:06,738 --> 00:39:09,678
We did, he nearly had kittens.
365
00:39:10,718 --> 00:39:17,197
FOGGY THINKS:
"All we need now is the constabulary. The scandal of it!
366
00:39:17,198 --> 00:39:24,897
"We'll end up in Madame Tussaud's.
Serves me right for mixing with this riff-raff.
367
00:39:24,898 --> 00:39:28,657
"But what a prospect for eternity.
368
00:39:28,658 --> 00:39:33,458
"Me, as a wax figure,
next to this dozy prat!"
369
00:39:59,058 --> 00:40:03,077
Get in step.
We're NOT in the guards!
370
00:40:03,078 --> 00:40:09,878
Don't tell me.
We're just 3 carpet salesmen going about their lawful business!
371
00:40:20,158 --> 00:40:22,558
Get a move on!
372
00:41:01,538 --> 00:41:03,518
He's covered in fluff.
373
00:41:04,858 --> 00:41:08,798
Only dead 5 minutes and look at the
state he's in!
374
00:41:17,918 --> 00:41:19,778
Why are you thumping about?
375
00:41:22,278 --> 00:41:24,418
Better get your sleep.
376
00:41:29,818 --> 00:41:33,017
You're not to loll about in bed
all day.
377
00:41:33,018 --> 00:41:36,438
You can fix that gate tomorrow.
378
00:41:38,138 --> 00:41:41,778
No good lolling about in bed all day
379
00:41:42,198 --> 00:41:45,777
the thing is to pick up your life
as normal.
380
00:41:45,778 --> 00:41:49,977
Enjoy yourself.
Go repair things in your shed.
381
00:41:49,978 --> 00:41:53,677
It's just as you left it.
382
00:41:53,678 --> 00:42:00,578
It'll give you an interest in things
working in your shed.
383
00:42:10,170 --> 00:42:17,169
It's not our fault. He insisted
we took him to Lily, Bless Her. He wanted to go.
384
00:42:17,170 --> 00:42:23,889
Maybe last night. On impulse.
But I wonder how he feels about it this morning?
385
00:42:23,890 --> 00:42:26,969
But what a way to go!
386
00:42:26,970 --> 00:42:28,149
Exactly.
387
00:42:28,150 --> 00:42:34,649
He knew what he was doing.
He launched himself from her like a high cliff.
388
00:42:34,650 --> 00:42:39,869
And left us to pick up the pieces
at the bottom!
389
00:42:39,870 --> 00:42:45,510
Did tha see that daft grin?
He looked happier dead than alive.
390
00:42:58,830 --> 00:43:01,329
You're not horse racing TODAY?
391
00:43:01,330 --> 00:43:06,209
I must find a WINNER,
I need a new suit for the funeral.
392
00:43:06,210 --> 00:43:12,669
You DON'T need a new suit for
the funeral, cos Sam left you his.
393
00:43:12,670 --> 00:43:14,369
Me?
394
00:43:14,370 --> 00:43:15,529
You.
395
00:43:15,530 --> 00:43:17,749
Why me?
396
00:43:17,750 --> 00:43:21,149
Who do you think needs one MORE?
397
00:43:21,150 --> 00:43:24,509
The navy blue? The navy blue.
398
00:43:24,510 --> 00:43:31,270
That's not bad!
Tha should a said last night, I could a brought it with me
399
00:43:34,170 --> 00:43:36,729
Who's a dozy little man, then?
400
00:43:36,730 --> 00:43:38,749
I bet that's me.
401
00:43:38,750 --> 00:43:41,089
He recognises the description.
402
00:43:41,090 --> 00:43:43,669
What have I DONE?
403
00:43:43,670 --> 00:43:47,709
We DIDN'T see Sam last night.
404
00:43:47,710 --> 00:43:53,729
We NEVER went NEAR him.
We'd like you to repeat that.
405
00:43:53,730 --> 00:43:56,229
We never went near him.
406
00:43:56,230 --> 00:43:59,089
So we couldn't collect your suit.
407
00:43:59,090 --> 00:44:02,670
Because we weren't THERE.
408
00:44:05,490 --> 00:44:07,090
Got it!
409
00:44:07,450 --> 00:44:11,410
Where are you going?
To Sybil's to get me suit.
410
00:44:12,870 --> 00:44:14,610
What's up now?
411
00:44:14,690 --> 00:44:18,750
You CAN'T just go to Sybil's to
fetch your suit.
412
00:44:18,850 --> 00:44:20,549
It's MY suit.
413
00:44:20,550 --> 00:44:28,370
Because we are not supposed to know YET that..
- HE IS DEAD.
414
00:44:29,870 --> 00:44:37,149
We WAIT until we hear it
through the proper channels, and then we act SURPRISED.
415
00:44:37,150 --> 00:44:39,590
Now do you understand?
416
00:44:40,590 --> 00:44:45,550
Let 'im keep 'is rotten suit
if it's gonna be all this trouble.
417
00:44:49,230 --> 00:44:52,210
'Ey up, I've left my paper!
418
00:45:03,650 --> 00:45:05,830
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
419
00:45:20,130 --> 00:45:22,590
The thing about growing up,
420
00:45:22,770 --> 00:45:28,229
is that you get fewer scabs on your
knees, but more internal injuries.
421
00:45:28,230 --> 00:45:30,969
They were great days at school.
422
00:45:30,970 --> 00:45:37,469
Yes, great days, but even then
there was no real amnesty.
423
00:45:37,470 --> 00:45:43,389
Remember when that yellow-hammer
flew at the window? You picked it up.
424
00:45:43,390 --> 00:45:45,749
They've got lovely markings.
425
00:45:45,750 --> 00:45:52,769
It had a drop of blood on its beak.
Identical colour to ours. Just one drop.
426
00:45:52,770 --> 00:45:55,449
Like a bright bead.
427
00:45:55,450 --> 00:46:00,049
Then all those brightly plumed
kids who left school,
428
00:46:00,050 --> 00:46:07,750
flying cheerfully and didn't get
far. Ran smack into World War II.
429
00:46:10,630 --> 00:46:15,289
That's right.
Look on the bright side!
430
00:46:15,290 --> 00:46:18,749
Cheer up.
431
00:46:18,750 --> 00:46:24,309
Little Tommy Naylor,
lying in Africa somewhere.
432
00:46:24,310 --> 00:46:30,990
Blood on his beak.
Identical colour to ours.
433
00:46:39,770 --> 00:46:45,030
'Ey, hang about, hang about.
434
00:47:38,970 --> 00:47:46,389
Four letter words were a gift
from the first bloke who ever laid a spanner to an unyielding nut.
435
00:47:46,390 --> 00:47:53,989
Speaking of unyielding nuts,
how goes mankind this morning? It's in the paper.
436
00:47:53,990 --> 00:47:57,189
There you are, then.
No, about Sam.
437
00:47:57,190 --> 00:48:00,089
I haven't got me reading glasses.
438
00:48:00,090 --> 00:48:04,529
"Mordroyd. Samuel H.
Beloved husband of Sybil."
439
00:48:04,530 --> 00:48:07,829
Are you sure it's the right one?
440
00:48:07,830 --> 00:48:12,989
"At his home after a long illness.
Funeral Monday."
441
00:48:12,990 --> 00:48:16,229
Did you hear that? AT HIS HOME!
442
00:48:16,230 --> 00:48:21,369
We've had more luck than we deserve
and GOT AWAY with it.
443
00:48:21,370 --> 00:48:25,810
So, now we can go and pay
our respects officially.
444
00:48:31,890 --> 00:48:38,509
FOGGY THINKS:
"It knocks a hole in the dignity of it, him carrying that thing.
445
00:48:38,510 --> 00:48:45,430
"In the protocol of bereavement
there's no place for a rusty bicycle wheel."
446
00:48:47,350 --> 00:48:50,230
'Ey up! It's dangerous round here.
447
00:48:50,330 --> 00:48:52,169
Steady on, madam.
448
00:48:52,170 --> 00:48:54,329
Don't stick up for 'im!
449
00:48:54,330 --> 00:48:56,409
Evil little monkey.
450
00:48:56,410 --> 00:49:02,670
What a thing to do to a married
woman! Wait till my 'usband's home!
451
00:49:02,770 --> 00:49:04,609
Steady, madam.
452
00:49:04,610 --> 00:49:05,870
Out of the way!
453
00:49:05,990 --> 00:49:07,469
I'm trying, I'm trying.
454
00:49:07,470 --> 00:49:09,670
Don't stick your nose in!
455
00:49:09,750 --> 00:49:12,370
That's it. Thee tell 'im, Nora!
456
00:49:12,470 --> 00:49:14,150
Don't you speak to me!
457
00:49:14,290 --> 00:49:18,790
She's all woman.
Quite a lot of is BRUSH!
458
00:49:18,910 --> 00:49:21,170
What's he supposed to have DONE?
459
00:49:21,270 --> 00:49:26,610
There's nothing SUPPOSED about it.
I know SUPPOSED from DONE!
460
00:49:26,690 --> 00:49:29,550
He had hold of my left leg!
461
00:49:32,450 --> 00:49:34,870
What have you got to say?
462
00:49:42,910 --> 00:49:44,749
Mistaken identity.
463
00:49:44,750 --> 00:49:50,029
There was only you there. Couldn't
be mistaken identity. My left leg!
464
00:49:50,030 --> 00:49:52,710
I thought it were your right one!
465
00:49:54,490 --> 00:49:59,410
Go on! Get off! All of you!
466
00:50:25,330 --> 00:50:28,150
Haven't you got a tie?
467
00:50:30,230 --> 00:50:32,769
What happened
to your bit of rope?
468
00:50:32,770 --> 00:50:36,370
At the laundry.
I'm not one of your scruffs.
469
00:50:39,950 --> 00:50:41,149
'Ey up!
470
00:50:41,150 --> 00:50:44,710
You'll manage.
Keep your hands in your pockets.
471
00:50:52,530 --> 00:50:55,790
Everybody else just brings flowers.
472
00:50:59,810 --> 00:51:04,049
We called to offer our condolences.
473
00:51:04,050 --> 00:51:05,989
And maybe pick up the suit.
474
00:51:05,990 --> 00:51:08,830
Not yet,
I haven't been through his pockets.
475
00:51:08,890 --> 00:51:11,109
We could give thee a hand.
476
00:51:11,110 --> 00:51:12,110
Listen, I...
477
00:51:14,370 --> 00:51:17,550
If there's anything we can do...
478
00:51:18,210 --> 00:51:25,589
You can tell me how he managed
to die in bed and still get his slippers wet through,
479
00:51:25,590 --> 00:51:27,409
lipstick on him,
480
00:51:27,410 --> 00:51:30,389
and fluff all over his trousers.
481
00:51:30,390 --> 00:51:32,390
Couldn't a been easy.
482
00:51:32,550 --> 00:51:39,829
Poor old Sam, I hope he wasn't
wandering about or something - half delirious?
483
00:51:39,830 --> 00:51:43,929
Me granddad's lips went purple when
he died.
484
00:51:43,930 --> 00:51:47,030
This looked like PASSION PINK.
485
00:51:47,470 --> 00:51:50,870
His looked like he'd been eating
blackberries.
486
00:51:50,950 --> 00:51:52,870
Shut up. Listen...
487
00:51:53,730 --> 00:51:56,430
Ugh, who does your laundry?
488
00:51:59,650 --> 00:52:02,489
Have you a piece of string, Sybil?
489
00:52:02,490 --> 00:52:03,869
Look in the shed.
490
00:52:03,870 --> 00:52:07,329
Could we pay our respects to Sam?
491
00:52:07,330 --> 00:52:10,350
He's in the shed as well.
492
00:52:10,930 --> 00:52:12,469
In the shed?
In the shed? In the shed?
493
00:52:12,470 --> 00:52:16,470
I'm not having his cronies trampling
my carpets!
494
00:52:26,610 --> 00:52:31,589
Typical of Sybil.
Keeps her dead in the shed.
495
00:52:31,590 --> 00:52:35,090
Unorthodox, but practical.
496
00:52:52,710 --> 00:52:54,630
Don't 'e look well?
497
00:53:05,410 --> 00:53:07,609
It's their kid.
498
00:53:07,610 --> 00:53:12,390
Come to raise a stink about Sam
being in here. There you are.
499
00:53:12,510 --> 00:53:13,910
Oh, ta.
500
00:53:16,430 --> 00:53:21,390
I'm glad you're here, give us a hand
with our kid. I should think so!
501
00:53:37,470 --> 00:53:42,350
Right, hold it there while me and
my mate get that lathe.
502
00:53:43,110 --> 00:53:46,990
And them tools.
He left thee them remember.
503
00:53:47,910 --> 00:53:49,910
He left me the lot!
504
00:53:56,930 --> 00:54:00,790
Well, I think it's terrible.
505
00:54:02,990 --> 00:54:07,430
I think we should be grateful
their Colin left the shed.
506
00:54:10,630 --> 00:54:12,110
♪ Gone...
507
00:54:13,690 --> 00:54:16,750
♪ ...has my lover,
508
00:54:18,930 --> 00:54:25,630
♪ No familiar step upon the stair
509
00:54:27,070 --> 00:54:30,550
♪ Now... I'm alone... ♪
510
00:54:33,690 --> 00:54:36,710
BIG SPENDER
♪ Would you like to have fun, fun, fun? ♪
511
00:54:37,010 --> 00:54:42,310
It's no place for 'im to spend
'is last weekend.
512
00:54:44,870 --> 00:54:47,730
I'd have 'im, and welcome.
513
00:54:49,370 --> 00:54:54,790
At least with me,
e' could have me best room.
514
00:54:55,790 --> 00:55:02,290
I could keep 'im nice, till they
were ready for 'im on Monday.
515
00:55:02,370 --> 00:55:08,790
Yes, well, as a tactical problem,
I'd say it could be done.
516
00:55:10,130 --> 00:55:13,750
You see, all we need is
the transport.
517
00:55:59,311 --> 00:56:02,651
Mind the gate, it... SQUEAK!
518
00:56:22,851 --> 00:56:24,190
'Ey up, 'ey up!
519
00:56:24,191 --> 00:56:27,950
We need your jacket for a curtain.
Why mine?
520
00:56:27,951 --> 00:56:32,451
It looks like an old curtain,
now hang it over the window.
521
00:56:37,091 --> 00:56:40,570
Aaah!
What's the matter with you?
522
00:56:40,571 --> 00:56:42,850
It's Sam, he's laughing at us.
523
00:56:42,851 --> 00:56:46,891
He's always like that.
He never used to be.
524
00:56:47,011 --> 00:56:49,850
Pull yourself together.
525
00:56:49,851 --> 00:56:55,011
This is the last time I'm taking
him to Lily, Bless Her's.
526
00:56:55,531 --> 00:56:57,690
Where're you going with that coffin?
527
00:56:57,691 --> 00:56:59,490
You KNOW where.
528
00:56:59,491 --> 00:57:05,051
Not with the COFFIN. Me van's not
a furniture lorry you know.
529
00:57:09,711 --> 00:57:15,451
Put your jacket on and
get hold of his feet. I don't fancy 'is feet!
530
00:57:15,531 --> 00:57:18,371
Listen to who's talking.
531
00:57:21,551 --> 00:57:23,590
What is wrong?
532
00:57:23,591 --> 00:57:27,431
Well, he feels..
- Different.
533
00:58:07,491 --> 00:58:08,511
Never again.
534
00:58:09,111 --> 00:58:13,031
But we have to bring him back for
his funeral.
535
00:58:13,391 --> 00:58:14,971
Oh my God!
536
00:58:15,171 --> 00:58:19,271
What do we leave in the coffin in
the meantime?
537
00:58:19,351 --> 00:58:22,350
We need some sort of a dummy.
538
00:58:22,351 --> 00:58:23,990
Fairburn.
539
00:58:23,991 --> 00:58:29,350
Co-op tailoring.
He'll lend us a window dummy.
540
00:58:29,351 --> 00:58:31,371
At this time of night?
541
00:58:31,691 --> 00:58:34,270
If 'e knows what's good for 'im.
542
00:58:34,271 --> 00:58:40,230
Hang about. We can't just leave an
empty coffin. Suppose Sybil looks in.
543
00:58:40,231 --> 00:58:43,630
Needs to be something in the coffin.
544
00:58:43,631 --> 00:58:48,531
There's only one thing it can be.
One of you lot. I'm driving.
545
00:58:51,771 --> 00:58:55,451
Right.
Short straw stays in the coffin.
546
00:59:06,371 --> 00:59:11,351
I suppose you think it's funny.
I bet it's not even aired.
547
00:59:12,191 --> 00:59:17,090
Fits thee like a glove, Foggy.
Tha's never looked better.
548
00:59:17,091 --> 00:59:19,850
Hurry up and get that dummy.
549
00:59:19,851 --> 00:59:21,891
Oh, get off, will you!
550
00:59:36,291 --> 00:59:41,051
Don't pass the police station.
Go the long way round,
551
00:59:51,071 --> 00:59:57,251
It's nowt. Just the petrol feed.
I'll clear it in a jiffy.
552
01:00:19,651 --> 01:00:23,970
I used to bring my ferrets up here,
on a bike.
553
01:00:23,971 --> 01:00:26,811
Never knew your ferrets had a bike.
554
01:00:31,111 --> 01:00:36,391
I could do with a Jimmy Riddle.
Make that two, it's all this excitement. And the beer.
555
01:00:40,971 --> 01:00:43,370
She'll be all right now.
556
01:00:43,371 --> 01:00:51,291
Wish I'd thought about this before
I started on the engine. Hell of a place to leave FINGERPRINTS.
557
01:01:21,991 --> 01:01:23,070
Hello Sid.
558
01:01:23,071 --> 01:01:25,351
I thought it was your wagon.
559
01:01:25,431 --> 01:01:27,930
Doing a bit of chipping up here?
560
01:01:27,931 --> 01:01:31,430
Thought I'd give it a try,
catch the late night trade.
561
01:01:31,431 --> 01:01:37,111
Money grabber.
Be back in half an hour, save us a couple of fish.
562
01:01:42,151 --> 01:01:49,351
Oh my God!
Now I'll have to light up all me pans. Put me in a nice haddock.
563
01:01:58,111 --> 01:02:03,370
He's scratching to go out again.
You sure he did his bizzy? Yes
564
01:02:03,371 --> 01:02:05,690
Did you actually see it?
565
01:02:05,691 --> 01:02:10,311
It's dark out there, should I dabble
for it with me fingers?
566
01:02:18,731 --> 01:02:20,011
Me beer!
567
01:02:20,151 --> 01:02:24,310
Don't you dare hurt that sweet
harmless creature.
568
01:02:24,311 --> 01:02:27,790
He can't help it.
He's all knotted up inside.
569
01:02:27,791 --> 01:02:33,291
Just because
you don't walk him properly and see he does his functions.
570
01:02:36,751 --> 01:02:40,430
I'll take him,
I'll go out there in the dark.
571
01:02:40,431 --> 01:02:44,930
What do you care if there's someone
lurking out there intent on rape.
572
01:02:44,931 --> 01:02:47,490
Who'd rape a pedigree poodle?
573
01:02:47,491 --> 01:02:50,631
All right. I'll walk
the damn thing.
574
01:02:53,471 --> 01:02:58,571
Where the hell are they?
What time is it?
575
01:03:03,811 --> 01:03:07,531
Don't just sniff about.
Do something.
576
01:03:12,931 --> 01:03:14,891
Not in THERE.
577
01:03:22,871 --> 01:03:28,130
Here! You can't disturb people when
they've got a death in the house.
578
01:03:28,131 --> 01:03:30,210
Well in the shed, anyway.
579
01:03:30,211 --> 01:03:35,431
Poor old devil. She wouldn't really
leave him in the shed, would she?
580
01:03:49,791 --> 01:03:56,131
And one, no peas...
and give us 4 fishcakes...
581
01:03:56,331 --> 01:03:59,291
Have you got any prawns?
582
01:03:59,391 --> 01:04:03,790
Listen, fartface. It's gone midnight
on a lonely road.
583
01:04:03,791 --> 01:04:07,611
You want topless waitress
and a bloody cabaret?
584
01:04:08,931 --> 01:04:13,211
Right... 4, no prawns.
585
01:04:32,491 --> 01:04:36,411
What time is it by your clock?
586
01:04:48,591 --> 01:04:53,651
All right, all right.
No blasted prawns.
587
01:04:59,291 --> 01:05:05,131
I want the police. It's my 'usband,
he's DISAPPEARED.
588
01:05:14,891 --> 01:05:18,570
Ah, he looks more at 'ome here.
589
01:05:18,571 --> 01:05:22,250
Doesn't he look more at 'ome here?
590
01:05:22,251 --> 01:05:25,250
You were a LONG time. What kept ya?
591
01:05:25,251 --> 01:05:27,431
Don't ask.
592
01:05:30,791 --> 01:05:33,071
I hate having to do this.
593
01:05:35,971 --> 01:05:41,090
It's gonna be difficult
keeping his missus in the dark.
594
01:05:41,091 --> 01:05:43,690
Maybe she'll forgive 'im.
595
01:05:43,691 --> 01:05:46,431
Then she'll make him suffer.
596
01:05:50,791 --> 01:05:53,291
You've got to help us.
597
01:05:53,411 --> 01:05:56,610
On account we know too much.
598
01:05:56,611 --> 01:06:00,411
The wife asks have you been
drinking.
599
01:06:00,591 --> 01:06:04,630
We need a shop window dummy.
600
01:06:04,631 --> 01:06:09,750
I think she strongly suspects you've
been drinking.
601
01:06:09,751 --> 01:06:14,530
If it wasn't crisis time,
we wouldn't ask.
602
01:06:14,531 --> 01:06:18,711
Greetings to your missus
from 'er-on-the-bacon-counter.
603
01:06:20,771 --> 01:06:27,130
He's tall -
and he has sensitive features.
604
01:06:27,131 --> 01:06:29,190
Any distinguishing marks?
605
01:06:29,191 --> 01:06:31,630
Distinguishing mar...
606
01:06:31,631 --> 01:06:36,930
He's dead, isn't he?
You think he's DEAD!
607
01:06:36,931 --> 01:06:42,251
They're not usually dead, madam,
just run off with some other woman.
608
01:07:10,731 --> 01:07:16,871
She's called the police!
Can't tell them what I've seen, they'd lock me away.
609
01:07:24,440 --> 01:07:27,780
Oh my God, two killers and a corpse!
610
01:07:33,480 --> 01:07:40,340
I heard a moan.
I distinctly heard something moan.
611
01:07:50,260 --> 01:07:53,000
Oh, stuff me!
612
01:07:58,000 --> 01:08:00,260
Get off! Get off!
613
01:08:20,980 --> 01:08:24,620
That's him! He's coming back to me!
614
01:08:32,200 --> 01:08:35,700
Where the hell have you been?
Don't you start.
615
01:09:15,160 --> 01:09:17,719
Alice, will you let me in!
616
01:09:17,720 --> 01:09:24,780
Why are we going through all this?
I lent some friends a dummy, that's all.
617
01:09:46,320 --> 01:09:48,759
I've done 24 butterfly buns.
618
01:09:48,760 --> 01:09:53,219
You'll want some fresh scones,
a nice piece of ham and some sherry.
619
01:09:53,220 --> 01:09:55,919
No alcohol, we've got enough drunks!
620
01:09:55,920 --> 01:10:02,120
Him-Further-Down was brought home
last night and he tried to strangle his poodle!
621
01:10:10,320 --> 01:10:12,679
'Ey up, Ivy. We've called for Sid.
622
01:10:12,680 --> 01:10:15,759
He's upstairs. Come in a minute.
623
01:10:15,760 --> 01:10:19,119
We won't inconvenience you...
We'll see him at the pub.
624
01:10:19,120 --> 01:10:25,120
It's no bother. I've told you,
I want to talk to you lot.
625
01:10:44,460 --> 01:10:51,639
Just tell me how it is that you lot
knew all about Sam being dead
626
01:10:51,640 --> 01:10:53,940
before anybody else did?
627
01:10:56,920 --> 01:11:02,040
Yes, well, um... we were very close.
628
01:11:02,720 --> 01:11:08,739
I don't know what you're doing, but
I WON'T have him dragged into it.
629
01:11:08,740 --> 01:11:14,740
You start off these daft games and
sometimes they end up serious.
630
01:11:24,040 --> 01:11:29,079
I wish it was over. Why did we
take him back to Lily, Bless Her's?
631
01:11:29,080 --> 01:11:32,079
It seemed a good idea last night.
632
01:11:32,080 --> 01:11:34,339
How does it seem today?
633
01:11:34,340 --> 01:11:38,980
There's one consolation,
things can't get worse.
634
01:11:54,700 --> 01:11:59,079
I really don't fancy carting Sam
about again.
635
01:11:59,080 --> 01:12:04,460
It's got to be done. We must get
him back in time for his funeral.
636
01:12:05,520 --> 01:12:07,959
My missus is getting suspicious.
637
01:12:07,960 --> 01:12:12,500
Do what any decent husband would -
keep lying.
638
01:12:59,880 --> 01:13:04,700
It's too late now, anyway.
It's getting light.
639
01:13:06,040 --> 01:13:07,780
That's it then.
640
01:13:09,080 --> 01:13:16,240
You'd better get off home now,
it's not your problem, but thanks.
641
01:13:25,400 --> 01:13:28,339
Well, what are we going to do now?
642
01:13:28,340 --> 01:13:31,119
We're going to have to tell Sybil.
643
01:13:31,120 --> 01:13:38,879
Not now, she'll still be in bed.
I'll get dressed and go round at 8. No need for us all to go.
644
01:13:38,880 --> 01:13:43,420
You know how she feels about too
many feet on her carpets!
645
01:13:45,880 --> 01:13:50,180
Do they have central heating
in Her Majesty's Nick.
646
01:13:51,160 --> 01:13:55,800
I'd be the first Dewhirst
to go to prison. No comment.
647
01:14:12,030 --> 01:14:19,190
Any tea left?
We're in this together, one goes, we all go.
648
01:14:21,650 --> 01:14:26,749
'Ey up, we're looking smart.
I'll change when we get there.
649
01:14:26,750 --> 01:14:28,969
When she gives me the suit.
650
01:14:28,970 --> 01:14:35,829
Nobody open their big gob about
anything till I have the suit.
651
01:14:35,830 --> 01:14:37,829
Done.
652
01:14:37,830 --> 01:14:42,030
We wouldn't come between you and
improvements in your tailoring.
653
01:14:43,310 --> 01:14:49,470
Get it down you. It's gonna be
a hard, dry morning.
654
01:14:51,930 --> 01:14:59,030
Make yourselves comfortable,
but watch me carpet and don't spill that tea.
655
01:15:03,210 --> 01:15:05,029
Oh, Cousin Olive.
656
01:15:05,030 --> 01:15:08,550
This is my gentleman friend, Mr.
657
01:15:10,270 --> 01:15:11,590
Come in.
658
01:15:13,590 --> 01:15:15,950
Wipe yer feet.
659
01:15:21,010 --> 01:15:26,250
And no smoking. If you must smoke,
the smokers are in the shed.
660
01:15:27,990 --> 01:15:30,569
Who's that, then?
661
01:15:30,570 --> 01:15:33,909
That's Cousin Olive.
God knows who 'e is.
662
01:15:33,910 --> 01:15:36,269
Does she know
her skirt's too short?
663
01:15:36,270 --> 01:15:38,910
With her looks
she has to do something.
664
01:15:42,150 --> 01:15:48,670
God, look at this lot.
They're early, I thought we'd be first.
665
01:15:49,930 --> 01:15:54,750
Don't forget, not a WORD till
I get my suit.
666
01:16:13,490 --> 01:16:19,529
Sorry, Sybil, but you'll have to
call round at Lily, Bless Her's.
667
01:16:19,530 --> 01:16:21,749
You what?
668
01:16:21,750 --> 01:16:26,249
Oh. 'Ey up, Nora.
669
01:16:26,250 --> 01:16:29,109
Tha's looking very tasty.
670
01:16:29,110 --> 01:16:34,169
Keep away. Have you been invited?
No. But I'm ready when you are.
671
01:16:34,170 --> 01:16:39,589
I wondered if you'd hear we had to
bring the funeral forward an hour.
672
01:16:39,590 --> 01:16:42,570
Quick - the suit! Wait here.
673
01:16:43,050 --> 01:16:44,570
Could we have a word?
674
01:16:50,390 --> 01:16:55,930
Tha looks a treat, Nora.
Keep your eyes off me legs.
675
01:16:57,210 --> 01:17:00,589
They really do suit you,
do funerals.
676
01:17:00,590 --> 01:17:03,710
Take it. But I want the hanger back.
677
01:17:04,510 --> 01:17:08,969
We'd like a word with you, Sybil.
In private.
678
01:17:08,970 --> 01:17:11,650
I haven't time now.
679
01:17:15,030 --> 01:17:19,890
Can we stop at the dairy on the
way back, I'm low on milk.
680
01:17:20,990 --> 01:17:25,509
Well, I tried. You heard me.
681
01:17:25,510 --> 01:17:28,189
What do we do now?
682
01:17:28,190 --> 01:17:33,010
There's nothing to it.
We just wait till they LYNCH us.
683
01:17:33,550 --> 01:17:37,010
She's been through every pocket.
684
01:17:54,810 --> 01:18:00,850
Oh my God. Who coloured that.
Get the lid on, quick.
685
01:18:31,850 --> 01:18:38,290
How's that for professional
negligence? They'll cremate ANY damned thing.
686
01:18:38,990 --> 01:18:41,610
I'll get changed in the shed.
687
01:18:47,030 --> 01:18:51,470
We've got to stop it before it
goes any further.
688
01:18:54,930 --> 01:19:00,589
No, not here in the street
in front of all her neighbours.
689
01:19:00,590 --> 01:19:03,670
Wait till we get to the church.
690
01:19:18,230 --> 01:19:21,630
Anybody like a coconut mushroom?
691
01:19:45,470 --> 01:19:48,029
"Life. Funny.
692
01:19:48,030 --> 01:19:53,149
"Even the ordinary,
perhaps ESPECIALLY the ordinary,
693
01:19:53,150 --> 01:19:59,689
"from the standpoint of heaven, how
magical must Mottishaw's Bakery be.
694
01:19:59,690 --> 01:20:06,789
"Could Paradise boast anything rarer
than OK Motors Northern Ltd?
695
01:20:06,790 --> 01:20:09,169
"And what about us three?
696
01:20:09,170 --> 01:20:16,490
"Sucking coconut mushrooms
on our way to the last rites of a co-op window dummy."
697
01:20:31,950 --> 01:20:33,490
Go on.
698
01:20:39,790 --> 01:20:43,129
My missus wants a word.
699
01:20:43,130 --> 01:20:49,210
Mind my suit. I'm helping a young
lady out of the car. Oooh!
700
01:20:49,810 --> 01:20:54,569
No time for that.
We've got to stop the funeral.
701
01:20:54,570 --> 01:20:56,590
You've time for this.
702
01:21:24,690 --> 01:21:28,050
It wasn't Sid's fault.
We made him do it.
703
01:21:28,450 --> 01:21:32,810
I reckon the blame's about equal.
You're equally thick.
704
01:21:37,510 --> 01:21:40,050
No more dummies, thank you.
705
01:21:40,350 --> 01:21:43,950
Not another dummy, it's YOUR dummy.
706
01:21:46,190 --> 01:21:48,189
Who's in the...?
707
01:21:48,190 --> 01:21:51,530
Who do you think's in. Sam's in.
708
01:21:54,610 --> 01:21:59,949
When he got home at dawn,
looking shifty, I made him tell me about it.
709
01:21:59,950 --> 01:22:04,049
She thought it was
another woman. I had to say something.
710
01:22:04,050 --> 01:22:09,770
Then she got the garage out,
started the van and got Sam back in time.
711
01:22:10,590 --> 01:22:15,829
The only danger was in the street
so we wrapped him in brown paper,
712
01:22:15,830 --> 01:22:20,149
put his feet in a plant pot with
leaves showing at the top,
713
01:22:20,150 --> 01:22:24,030
and carried him into the shed.
Who'd notice that.
714
01:22:24,110 --> 01:22:27,589
Why didn't you tell us?
715
01:22:27,590 --> 01:22:32,870
I made him wait.
Thought it'd do you good to sweat a bit.
716
01:22:33,550 --> 01:22:36,510
Oh, Ivy.
717
01:22:37,310 --> 01:22:39,990
What're you doing? Get away!
718
01:22:40,990 --> 01:22:42,590
Get off!
719
01:22:47,210 --> 01:22:50,710
♪ The Lord is my shepherd. ♪
720
01:23:35,390 --> 01:23:40,810
Oh, come on, get in.
721
01:24:07,230 --> 01:24:09,609
No! Not like that.
722
01:24:09,610 --> 01:24:14,269
Dammit.
You're not emptying an ashtray.
723
01:24:14,270 --> 01:24:19,190
This is a solemn moment.
It calls for a certain ceremony.
724
01:24:20,670 --> 01:24:24,870
If Sam's not bothered,
what's thee fussing for?
725
01:24:25,510 --> 01:24:29,010
Just leave it with me, all right?
726
01:24:30,150 --> 01:24:36,810
'E gets on my wick.
He's particular how he pours people over the landscape.
727
01:24:58,990 --> 01:25:03,210
Farewell, Old Sam.
728
01:25:03,260 --> 01:25:07,810
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