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1
00:00:36,500 --> 00:00:42,540
FOGGY: I understand the Co-op
has some big reductions in winceyette pyjamas.
2
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:47,440
CLEGG: I could do with some
big reductions in mine.
3
00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:51,360
I think they must've been made
for a gorilla.
4
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,780
Only a small gorilla.
5
00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:01,440
COMPO: Nigel Hinchliffe's nose
'as turned septic.
6
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,860
All of it? Or just the bit
that sticks out?
7
00:01:05,860 --> 00:01:07,260
I don't know.
8
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:11,240
Oh, he comes here
with half a story.
9
00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:13,100
'Ow do I know?
10
00:01:13,100 --> 00:01:17,000
Passing himself off
as an expert on Nigel Hinchliffe's nose.
11
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:20,060
What's tha mean,
'only the bit that sticks out'?
12
00:01:20,060 --> 00:01:23,700
That's all there is
to a nose. The bit that sticks out.
13
00:01:23,700 --> 00:01:25,760
Not necessarily.
14
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,880
Not if it's like
the iceberg.
15
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:32,820
In which case two-thirds
of the human nose could be under the surface.
16
00:01:32,820 --> 00:01:34,100
Cobblers!
17
00:01:34,100 --> 00:01:38,640
No, don't scoff.
It sometimes feels like an iceberg.
18
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:42,660
Just imagine,
the real work's going on underneath.
19
00:01:42,660 --> 00:01:46,700
This bit that sticks out
is just for resting yer spectacles on.
20
00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:49,000
No, no, no, no.
21
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:52,640
No, no, there must be some
biological reason.
22
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:58,260
No, what it's there for is so tha
can nip it and make funny voices.
23
00:01:59,260 --> 00:02:02,040
Yes... Yes, that's it!
24
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:07,060
Biologically it exists so you can
squeeze it and make funny voices.
25
00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:10,780
Are you coming?
26
00:02:10,780 --> 00:02:13,640
IN FUNNY VOICES
Coming, Foggy. Coming, Foggy.
27
00:02:23,260 --> 00:02:26,300
Well, is that a view
or is that a view?
28
00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:29,040
You mean you don't know?
29
00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:33,180
You've brought us all this way
and you don't know if it's a view?
30
00:02:33,180 --> 00:02:37,460
On a clear day you can probably
see the Humber Bridge.
31
00:02:37,460 --> 00:02:41,660
All of it, or just the part you
rest yer spectacles on?
32
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:47,280
Norm! Why are you 'ittin' me with
your 'at? Normy...!
33
00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:52,600
Pick up the step that man, come on.
What day is it?
34
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,760
Judging by those trousers,
not early closing.
35
00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,360
Haven't you got
any better trousers?
36
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,920
These ARE my better trousers!
37
00:03:02,500 --> 00:03:05,620
Norm, why's 'e draggin' me
by the arm?
38
00:03:05,620 --> 00:03:08,800
With trousers like that,
who'd drag you by the leg?
39
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:20,020
How much money have you got?
40
00:03:20,020 --> 00:03:22,900
You mean altogether?
Yes, altogether.
41
00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:24,960
Well...
altogether...
42
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:30,720
Nowt!
43
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:32,680
Where's your betting money?
44
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,720
You can't touch me bettin' money.
45
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,160
AARRGH!
46
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,320
OW! GERROFF!
47
00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:44,240
GERROFF!
48
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:45,280
Where is it?
49
00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:46,960
In me wellie!
50
00:03:48,260 --> 00:03:52,900
In that case he's right y'know.
You CAN'T touch his betting money.
51
00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:05,860
Cor dear, it don't 'alf make
yer eyeballs 'eavy.
52
00:04:05,860 --> 00:04:08,320
Suppose they dropped out?
53
00:04:08,980 --> 00:04:12,500
It wasn't THEM dropping out
we were worried about.
54
00:04:12,500 --> 00:04:14,600
Well, are you coming, Clegg?
55
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:17,360
Think I'd rather wait out here.
56
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:22,940
What's the matter? He's such a
red-hot salesman is Duggie, he's bound to sell me something.
57
00:04:22,940 --> 00:04:26,320
Rubbish!
It usually is.
58
00:04:51,460 --> 00:04:53,200
DOOR BANG
59
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,020
Come in, why don't you?
60
00:04:55,020 --> 00:04:57,580
'Morning, Sidney.
Glad yer think so.
61
00:04:57,580 --> 00:04:59,480
Don't touch
anything.
62
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,940
Mending the old hairdryer, are we?
63
00:05:01,940 --> 00:05:05,280
I was, till some twonk came
bargin' in.
64
00:05:07,020 --> 00:05:10,060
You know what's wrong with this,
there's a little screw missing.
65
00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:13,320
I know a little screw's missing.
66
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:18,780
What d'you want?
Oh, er, could we have 3 of your electric cups of tea please?
67
00:05:18,780 --> 00:05:21,080
Where's the rest of your squad?
68
00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:24,260
On their way. I've never known
such dawdlers.
69
00:05:24,260 --> 00:05:27,860
Can't seem to get civilian legs
into a military pace.
70
00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:30,880
But the morning's not
entirely wasted.
71
00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:35,320
I've done a good job on renovating
one of the town's scruffiest areas.
72
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:40,140
I've had a new pair of trousers
installed on you-know-who.
73
00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:41,960
CRASH OF CUPS
74
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:46,180
That's right, go on,
throw things about.
75
00:05:46,260 --> 00:05:48,260
I've just 'ad some startlin' news.
76
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:53,140
You'll 'ave some startlin' news in
a minute, yer great pair of tulips.
77
00:05:55,740 --> 00:05:59,680
I'd like to know what news
is so startlin' it could make you drop the cups.
78
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:01,560
I don't...
CRASH
79
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:07,520
My God...! Somebody's seen you
with that Mrs Jessop!
80
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,240
Who has...? I...I mean they
couldn't 'ave.
81
00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:14,060
I mean what am I feelin' guilty for?
I 'aven't been with 'er.
82
00:06:14,060 --> 00:06:17,180
I knew this
would 'appen! Nothin's 'appened, woman!
83
00:06:17,180 --> 00:06:22,040
I've been expectin' somethin'
like this, ever since you started readin' Harold Robbins.
84
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,040
That's a terrible thing to say.
85
00:06:25,540 --> 00:06:27,480
I don't read Harold Robbins.
86
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:31,620
Calm yourself Ivy. The startling
news wasn't about him.
87
00:06:31,620 --> 00:06:33,240
It was about him.
88
00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:40,480
'E's 'ad a trouser transplant!
They've got 'im into a new pair.
89
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:42,980
Well it's about time too!
90
00:06:42,980 --> 00:06:45,300
I'm not superstitious...
91
00:06:45,300 --> 00:06:51,980
But I've 'ad glimpses of things
lurkin' under the surface of those trousers that'd make you shudder.
92
00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:02,120
Oh I say! Aren't they smart.
93
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:05,460
Smart? I'll say they flamin' smart.
94
00:07:05,460 --> 00:07:07,600
Pack that in!
95
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:11,640
It's all right for thee.
Tha's not bein' strangled!
96
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,960
Look, jeans are often a
little tight at first.
97
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:20,000
Tight? I've 'ad bad ferret bites
that 'ave caused me less trouble.
98
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:23,960
No wonder the younger generation
are so rebellious!
99
00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:27,000
They look very hardwearing.
100
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:33,180
Hardwearin'? Yes, they're very
'ard to wear. It's like 'avin' everything in plaster.
101
00:07:33,180 --> 00:07:35,120
An' I mean EVERYTHING!
102
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:38,800
Yes, well it's time you were
strapped up a bit.
103
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:42,500
I must say it makes me feel
much easier in me mind.
104
00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:45,120
I think it's a great improvement.
105
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:50,147
Let's 'ave a cuppa tea, Sid.
I'll see if I can force it down.
106
00:07:50,207 --> 00:07:51,747
Oh dear, oh dear!
107
00:07:52,747 --> 00:07:54,427
It's Mary Poppins!
108
00:07:56,527 --> 00:07:57,967
What've yer got there?
109
00:07:57,967 --> 00:07:59,667
I've no idea.
110
00:07:59,667 --> 00:08:02,047
But Duggie told you what it is.
111
00:08:02,047 --> 00:08:03,407
I wasn't listening.
112
00:08:03,407 --> 00:08:04,647
You should've been.
113
00:08:04,647 --> 00:08:09,887
What for? He wasn't listening to
me. I kept telling him I didn't want it, but he wasn't listening.
114
00:08:09,887 --> 00:08:10,687
Who?
115
00:08:10,687 --> 00:08:12,247
Duggie at the second-hand shop.
116
00:08:12,247 --> 00:08:14,187
Oh 'e'll sell owt will Duggie.
117
00:08:14,187 --> 00:08:16,127
You're not
jokin'!
118
00:08:17,267 --> 00:08:20,327
What'll I do with this?
Least you can wear yours.
119
00:08:20,327 --> 00:08:24,407
Listen, I'd sooner wear that
anyday...whatever it is.
120
00:08:24,407 --> 00:08:26,287
It's a metal detector.
121
00:08:26,287 --> 00:08:31,887
I told you he'd sell me something!
I told you, once you look at his eyes you're gone.
122
00:08:31,967 --> 00:08:34,447
You've probably got a snip there.
123
00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:39,107
It's based on the old mine
detectors, y'know. The things we used to use in the war.
124
00:08:39,107 --> 00:08:43,187
Oh, it's just what I've always
wanted, a mine detector!
125
00:08:43,187 --> 00:08:49,047
Of course they don't use 'em for
detecting mines in peacetime, they use 'em for finding treasure.
126
00:08:49,507 --> 00:08:51,907
Liable to be a lot of that 'ere?
127
00:08:51,907 --> 00:08:55,687
There's a lot of it everywhere.
Buried treasure? Yes. Ha!
128
00:08:55,687 --> 00:08:57,947
You should be locked up!
129
00:08:59,187 --> 00:09:05,367
I can just see Captain Morgan and
'is pirates comin' up the canal desperate to bury their treasure...
130
00:09:05,367 --> 00:09:07,487
..somewhere near Huddersfield.
131
00:09:07,987 --> 00:09:09,967
There's different kinds
of treasure.
132
00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:14,907
I can see all them pirates singin'
their Yorkshire sea shanties.
133
00:09:14,907 --> 00:09:18,127
Yo ho ho and a bottle
of John Smiths!
134
00:09:19,347 --> 00:09:23,027
You shut up.
Now, you hold it like this.
135
00:09:23,027 --> 00:09:26,127
Don't bother Foggy, I'll never
be able to ride it.
136
00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:28,527
No, no, y'don't ride it.
137
00:09:28,527 --> 00:09:30,767
You put these headphones on.
138
00:09:30,767 --> 00:09:34,807
Then you push it up
and down like a vacuum cleaner.
139
00:09:34,807 --> 00:09:37,367
Oh that really is exciting.
140
00:09:37,367 --> 00:09:44,287
Going out where everyone can see
you, put the earphones on and move that about like a vacuum cleaner.
141
00:09:44,647 --> 00:09:47,327
Not exactly like a vacuum cleaner.
142
00:09:47,327 --> 00:09:48,727
You hold it so.
143
00:09:48,727 --> 00:09:50,407
A little way above
the ground.
144
00:09:50,407 --> 00:09:54,167
Then you advance
with it slowly and you sweep.
145
00:09:54,287 --> 00:09:59,287
Tha's been done, Cleggy.
It's not even a vacuum cleaner, that's gotta sweep with it.
146
00:10:00,107 --> 00:10:04,367
The extended arm
should move in a gentle circular motion.
147
00:10:04,367 --> 00:10:05,827
Oh, yer mean like this?
148
00:10:05,827 --> 00:10:09,347
Ooh! I can't even do a V-sign
in these trousers.
149
00:10:09,347 --> 00:10:12,027
There's no room to manoeuvre.
150
00:10:12,027 --> 00:10:17,687
It's bad enough climbin' into
these things, but I don't know 'ow the 'ell I'll get anything out!
151
00:10:18,907 --> 00:10:23,087
Could we borrow a spoon, Sidney?
What d'you want a spoon for?
152
00:10:25,627 --> 00:10:28,247
I want to lay it on the floor. Oh!
153
00:10:31,807 --> 00:10:34,007
We usually lay OURS on the table!
154
00:10:39,827 --> 00:10:45,647
Do you think if I pleaded insanity
I could get me money back? From Duggie? Not a chance.
155
00:10:45,887 --> 00:10:51,787
You don't want your money back.
This is a very ingenious machine. Many people do spoon tricks here?
156
00:10:51,787 --> 00:10:53,447
Not much interest nowadays.
157
00:10:53,447 --> 00:10:54,887
I can understand that.
158
00:10:55,047 --> 00:11:00,527
Don't put the earphones on.
Just hold them up so we all hear the noises they're making.
159
00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:04,007
They're not making any noises.
160
00:11:04,007 --> 00:11:06,727
I know they're not making
any noises.
161
00:11:06,727 --> 00:11:09,347
I knew it! They're broken!
162
00:11:09,347 --> 00:11:11,587
They're not, I haven't switched on.
163
00:11:11,587 --> 00:11:13,847
Then what are you
prattin' about for?
164
00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:16,967
You shut up, we want to hear this.
165
00:11:19,207 --> 00:11:21,007
It's still broken.
166
00:11:21,007 --> 00:11:26,187
You won't hear anything until I
pass it over the metal spoon.
167
00:11:26,187 --> 00:11:28,987
I don't think I can stand all
this excitement.
168
00:11:28,987 --> 00:11:31,547
Well go and sit down then.
169
00:11:31,547 --> 00:11:34,207
In these 'ardboard trousers?
170
00:11:34,207 --> 00:11:39,007
I'm not doin' anything clever till
I've learned to walk in 'em first.
171
00:11:39,207 --> 00:11:42,367
Just keep out of the way.
Ready, Clegg?
172
00:11:42,367 --> 00:11:46,307
I think I'd rather go and look at
Nigel Hinchliffe's septic nose.
173
00:11:46,307 --> 00:11:50,207
You'll be all right.
All right, I'm ready.
174
00:11:50,207 --> 00:11:55,447
When I pass the machine over the
spoon, we should hear something.
175
00:12:03,627 --> 00:12:04,647
Hey!
176
00:12:04,647 --> 00:12:06,007
I 'eard something!
177
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:08,487
What are yer doing now?
178
00:12:08,487 --> 00:12:13,067
They've got a machine to find the
screw missin' from yer hairdryer.
179
00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:16,967
Yeah, well there's more than
one screw missin' around 'ere.
180
00:12:17,747 --> 00:12:21,727
That was nimble thinking, Sidney.
Brilliant. Well done, Sid.
181
00:12:21,827 --> 00:12:23,407
I get lots of practice.
182
00:12:23,487 --> 00:12:26,067
The beauty of it is, it's true.
183
00:12:26,067 --> 00:12:29,307
With this apparatus we'll
soon find the screw.
184
00:12:29,307 --> 00:12:31,147
'Aven't much luck with
the spoon.
185
00:12:31,147 --> 00:12:35,407
A minor adjustment and
we'll soon have some sort of noise.
186
00:12:36,487 --> 00:12:38,427
Ow, ooh God!
187
00:12:38,427 --> 00:12:41,307
Very good, Foggy.
And quick too!
188
00:12:41,307 --> 00:12:43,667
Let me have
a bit of elbow room.
189
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:46,767
Give it 'ere. I can manage.
You're framin' like a fairy.
190
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:51,247
Look, it's just an adjustment.
Let go a minute. Don't interfere.
191
00:12:57,307 --> 00:13:04,927
And I suppose yer've got a machine
for pickin' up bits of crockery that used to be cups?
192
00:13:04,927 --> 00:13:06,667
I'll pick 'em up.
193
00:13:06,667 --> 00:13:09,907
It would've been cheaper to buy
a new hairdryer!
194
00:13:09,907 --> 00:13:11,747
If you'd like me to look at...
195
00:13:11,747 --> 00:13:13,487
Keep your hands off!
196
00:13:14,207 --> 00:13:17,847
Oh Norm, Norm, don't let me
laugh so much in these trousers.
197
00:13:17,967 --> 00:13:19,787
You can always tell.
198
00:13:19,787 --> 00:13:26,807
The more inefficient they are,
manually, the quicker they fly off the handle at a hint of criticism.
199
00:13:27,587 --> 00:13:30,827
Are you sure you're not holding
it upside down?
200
00:13:30,827 --> 00:13:32,567
I KNOW I AM, IT'S BECAUSE....
201
00:13:35,587 --> 00:13:38,647
It's because I want to make
a small adjustment.
202
00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:50,927
'Ey up! It's Nora Batty,
my true love.
203
00:13:50,927 --> 00:13:52,847
Oh my God, is 'e 'ere?
204
00:13:52,847 --> 00:13:56,047
Come 'ere, gal.
'Ave a look at that. OOH!
205
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:05,207
She 'ad thee out shoppin', Wal?
Aye, she's 'ad me out shoppin'.
206
00:14:05,207 --> 00:14:08,267
The fuss they make about
a bit o' shoppin'.
207
00:14:08,267 --> 00:14:13,387
I feel like a native porter. White
woman giving you hard time, Buana?
208
00:14:13,387 --> 00:14:15,047
Isn't she ever.
209
00:14:16,067 --> 00:14:20,447
Ey, don't you know it's bad luck
to put umbrella up indoors?
210
00:14:22,207 --> 00:14:25,767
Well? Aren't you goin' to get me
a cup of coffee?
211
00:14:26,167 --> 00:14:28,487
I'm gonna get 'er a cup of coffee.
212
00:14:28,747 --> 00:14:30,047
WAARGH!
213
00:14:31,227 --> 00:14:32,627
Now look!
214
00:14:32,627 --> 00:14:36,467
Great stupid fool!
Rearin' up on people.
215
00:14:36,467 --> 00:14:38,407
What's goin' on in 'ere now?
216
00:14:38,407 --> 00:14:40,447
Don't know what she's yarpin' for.
217
00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:42,587
Your 'usband startled me.
218
00:14:42,587 --> 00:14:45,207
Well it's more than 'e does to me!
219
00:14:46,547 --> 00:14:51,127
You expect it from 'im.
But I didn't expect it from...
220
00:14:51,127 --> 00:14:53,727
..your 'usband. Rearin' up at me.
221
00:14:53,727 --> 00:15:00,047
Oh, 'e did, did 'e?
If there's any rearin' up to be done, you'll do it to me.
222
00:15:00,047 --> 00:15:02,247
I was pickin' up the crockery.
223
00:15:02,247 --> 00:15:04,227
You saw 'im, didn't yer?
224
00:15:04,227 --> 00:15:06,027
'E reared up at me.
225
00:15:06,027 --> 00:15:09,007
I was lookin' at 'is umbrella.
226
00:15:09,647 --> 00:15:15,047
It's not an umbrella.
It's not as useful as an umbrella. It's EXTREMELY useful.
227
00:15:15,047 --> 00:15:18,607
I was standin' 'ere,
mindin' my own business.
228
00:15:18,607 --> 00:15:20,047
Oh, yer were?
229
00:15:21,227 --> 00:15:22,807
I was.
230
00:15:22,807 --> 00:15:25,947
Well, there's a novelty for a start.
231
00:15:25,947 --> 00:15:29,407
'ERE! Are you goin' to stand there...
232
00:15:29,407 --> 00:15:31,087
..and let me be insulted?
233
00:15:35,707 --> 00:15:41,247
Listen, what I want to know is, if
it's not an umbrella, what is it?
234
00:15:44,707 --> 00:15:47,427
I thought we were goin' to 'ave
a coffee.
235
00:15:47,427 --> 00:15:51,307
Lettin' people insult yer wife!
Yer don't deserve a coffee.
236
00:15:51,307 --> 00:15:53,827
Do I 'ave to deserve everything?
237
00:15:53,827 --> 00:15:57,807
It's gonna be a long time between
drinks if I 'ave to deserve 'em.
238
00:15:57,807 --> 00:16:00,887
Ey up, Nora! Ignore 'im.
239
00:16:00,887 --> 00:16:03,167
Yer gotta 'ave a word of
encouragement.
240
00:16:03,167 --> 00:16:05,707
I don't want encouragement from you.
241
00:16:05,707 --> 00:16:09,367
Are you wonderin' why I 'aven't
chased you round the cafe?
242
00:16:09,367 --> 00:16:12,167
Don't stop, ignore 'im.
243
00:16:12,167 --> 00:16:14,547
No, 'ang on a minute.
244
00:16:14,547 --> 00:16:18,787
I was wonderin' why 'e didn't
chase you round t'caff for a bit.
245
00:16:18,787 --> 00:16:20,167
Is it something...
246
00:16:20,167 --> 00:16:22,647
..we've said? No Wally.
247
00:16:23,387 --> 00:16:26,807
I still find 'er as
attractive as ever.
248
00:16:26,887 --> 00:16:30,027
Stop shoutin' that in the street.
249
00:16:30,027 --> 00:16:34,327
I just 'aven't got the 'ang of
chasin' 'er in these trousers.
250
00:16:35,127 --> 00:16:39,807
'E 'asn't got used
to those trousers... I can 'ear 'im!
251
00:16:39,807 --> 00:16:43,327
Whole damn street can 'ear 'im.
'Ere, Wal.
252
00:16:43,327 --> 00:16:46,127
Would yer bring 'er back when I've
me other trousers on?
253
00:16:46,127 --> 00:16:53,807
'Ave I got to be humiliated in
public? Well...? Say something to 'im. Go on!
254
00:16:53,807 --> 00:16:55,247
Say something!
255
00:16:55,367 --> 00:16:59,107
I've got a pair of brown corduroys
you can 'ave.
256
00:16:59,107 --> 00:17:02,347
They're in t'wardrobe.
Oh, ta.
257
00:17:02,347 --> 00:17:03,927
Oh go on!
258
00:17:12,367 --> 00:17:17,027
There you are, just a loose wire,
try it now.
259
00:17:17,027 --> 00:17:19,907
Try it outside,
I want no more accidents.
260
00:17:19,907 --> 00:17:23,147
I assure you,
nothing'll go wrong. Out!
261
00:17:23,147 --> 00:17:25,087
It's a harmless instrument.
262
00:17:25,087 --> 00:17:29,607
It's not the instrument I'm worried
about, it's the driver!
263
00:17:29,947 --> 00:17:32,827
If you don't wish me to locate
the screw.
264
00:17:32,827 --> 00:17:37,407
Go and test it somewhere first then
you can come and find the screw.
265
00:17:39,247 --> 00:17:41,967
All right, come on,
it's your detector.
266
00:17:42,307 --> 00:17:44,107
When you're young
and suggestible...
267
00:17:44,107 --> 00:17:48,007
..they warn you about
loose women and sitting in drafts.
268
00:17:48,007 --> 00:17:50,787
But nobody said a word
about metal detectors.
269
00:17:50,787 --> 00:17:52,607
What are you grinning at?
270
00:17:52,607 --> 00:17:59,927
I was just thinkin' about
loose women and sittin' in drafts, just my cuppa tea.
271
00:18:00,107 --> 00:18:04,887
You can come too, in case we need
some support at the manual level.
272
00:18:13,047 --> 00:18:18,147
I knew we'd be conscripted.
Stop moaning! You won't even have to do anything.
273
00:18:18,147 --> 00:18:20,747
'Ey up! I'm beginnin' to like it.
274
00:18:20,747 --> 00:18:26,467
You just leave the technical end
to me. I just need 2 witnesses to a successful demonstration.
275
00:18:26,467 --> 00:18:29,447
Somebody's got to convince
those people.
276
00:18:29,447 --> 00:18:32,967
They must think I'm some kind
of idiot.
277
00:18:35,647 --> 00:18:38,287
Who's got something metallic?
278
00:18:38,287 --> 00:18:42,547
Haven't you brought something
metallic? Didn't anybody think?
279
00:18:42,547 --> 00:18:44,587
Well, thee didn't for a start.
280
00:18:44,587 --> 00:18:48,127
Leave one simple job
to the rest of the team.
281
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:51,347
'Ey up! We're a team.
282
00:18:51,347 --> 00:18:53,247
Guess who's captain.
283
00:18:56,487 --> 00:18:59,807
Hold this a minute. Is it dangerous?
Of course not!
284
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:03,067
That's what you said about
that dog.
285
00:19:03,067 --> 00:19:05,867
Just hold it while I open my purse.
286
00:19:05,867 --> 00:19:10,827
'Ey up! Things must be serious if
Foggy's openin' 'is purse.
287
00:19:10,827 --> 00:19:13,427
We've been decimalized...
288
00:19:13,427 --> 00:19:15,367
..since tha were last in there.
289
00:19:16,127 --> 00:19:19,747
You just stand there and practise
your new trousers.
290
00:19:19,747 --> 00:19:21,987
Right, here's 50p.
291
00:19:21,987 --> 00:19:23,327
It's yours.
292
00:19:23,747 --> 00:19:25,467
I don't want to buy it.
293
00:19:25,467 --> 00:19:27,387
All right, 30p.
294
00:19:27,387 --> 00:19:31,287
I don't want to take advantage
of you, you've got a bargain.
295
00:19:31,287 --> 00:19:34,767
Ey Norm, you've got a bargain.
296
00:19:35,927 --> 00:19:39,827
Don't ask me to help you out of
them trousers.
297
00:19:39,827 --> 00:19:42,687
You're not goin' t'leave me in 'em.
298
00:19:45,867 --> 00:19:50,087
Right, fall in men. We need
some softer ground.
299
00:20:08,847 --> 00:20:10,947
This'll do nicely.
300
00:20:10,947 --> 00:20:15,567
I should think so. I'm not
walkin' much further in these.
301
00:20:15,567 --> 00:20:18,087
It's like walkin' through treacle.
302
00:20:18,087 --> 00:20:23,047
Little flies do it all the time,
'specially when you've just washed yer windows.
303
00:20:24,867 --> 00:20:30,427
Ideal terrain, dirt surface,
no traffic to interrupt us.
304
00:20:30,427 --> 00:20:37,527
Now, while I turn my back,
I want you to bury this 50p under the surface.
305
00:20:37,527 --> 00:20:43,727
Needn't make a meal of it.
No need to go 6ft down, just under the surface.
306
00:20:43,727 --> 00:20:48,767
But somewhere where it
doesn't show, then I'll locate it with the machine.
307
00:20:48,767 --> 00:20:52,807
Here, you're the expert at
throwing money down the drain.
308
00:20:54,307 --> 00:20:56,647
I want it back.
309
00:20:58,407 --> 00:21:02,127
Right! Proceed burial party.
310
00:21:09,967 --> 00:21:13,267
Don't leave any visual traces.
Don't worry.
311
00:21:13,267 --> 00:21:16,847
There won't be any
visual traces.
312
00:21:18,827 --> 00:21:21,407
I don't want to see where it is.
313
00:21:21,987 --> 00:21:24,647
Oh you won't be able to see it.
314
00:21:26,027 --> 00:21:28,187
Is he ready Clegg? Oh yes.
315
00:21:28,187 --> 00:21:29,967
I think he's ready.
316
00:21:30,707 --> 00:21:34,787
Right, headphones on.
Stand back, here I come.
317
00:21:34,787 --> 00:21:39,927
When I pass this machine
over the coin, I shall hear a high pitched sound.
318
00:21:39,927 --> 00:21:45,407
If he passes the machine over
the coin where it is now, we shall ALL hear a high pitched sound.
319
00:21:50,967 --> 00:21:53,267
Well, it keeps him quiet.
320
00:21:53,267 --> 00:21:57,547
It's very restful. He's much
easier to live with...
321
00:21:57,547 --> 00:22:00,807
when he's connected to machinery.
Suits 'is personality.
322
00:22:00,887 --> 00:22:02,927
You're right.
323
00:22:04,247 --> 00:22:09,267
Thought I was onto something.
I feel I'm getting warmer.
324
00:22:09,267 --> 00:22:14,807
It's not just the noise it makes,
you get an instinct in your fingertips.
325
00:22:16,527 --> 00:22:18,967
HORN BLOWS
326
00:22:19,127 --> 00:22:23,987
'Ow can 'e find 50p? 'E can't even
detect a flamin' Land Rover!
327
00:22:23,987 --> 00:22:28,687
But it's only a short-wheel-based
Land Rover.
328
00:22:29,667 --> 00:22:31,747
HORN HOOTS LOUDLY
329
00:22:31,747 --> 00:22:32,827
Get away!
330
00:22:32,827 --> 00:22:36,687
What's the matter now?
I think I'm just getting something.
331
00:22:36,867 --> 00:22:39,967
Aye, more than tha realises!
332
00:22:39,967 --> 00:22:42,167
Get off!
333
00:22:42,167 --> 00:22:45,967
I wish you wouldn't distract me.
What are you fretting about now?
334
00:22:45,967 --> 00:22:48,787
The next move is very important.
335
00:22:48,787 --> 00:22:50,927
LONG HOOT
336
00:22:52,887 --> 00:22:55,967
Well, that move
certainly looked important.
337
00:23:01,247 --> 00:23:06,467
Huh! There's something very basic
about the rural sense of humour.
338
00:23:06,467 --> 00:23:10,887
Fetch the coin, we'd better make
sure the machine's working.
339
00:23:13,887 --> 00:23:16,207
Thank you. Now, I'll just...
340
00:23:19,027 --> 00:23:21,827
Oh funny...very funny.
341
00:23:21,827 --> 00:23:25,607
I were goin' t'bury it, but it
were too painful in these trousers.
342
00:23:25,607 --> 00:23:27,987
Clegg could've given you a hand.
343
00:23:27,987 --> 00:23:34,087
Not on his trousers. I draw the
line at his trousers. It's been a weird enough day already.
344
00:23:35,507 --> 00:23:37,127
Look, stand back.
345
00:23:39,107 --> 00:23:42,727
Now, when I pass
the machine over the coin.
346
00:23:42,727 --> 00:23:45,247
I should get a
high pitched sound.
347
00:23:46,527 --> 00:23:48,287
LOUD NOISE
AARGH!
348
00:23:52,227 --> 00:23:54,887
It's like getting y'teeth filled.
349
00:23:54,887 --> 00:23:57,867
Well, it works all right.
350
00:23:57,867 --> 00:24:01,107
A little powerfully perhaps.
351
00:24:01,107 --> 00:24:06,407
We'll lower the volume a bit.
Clegg, you bury the coin this time.
352
00:24:17,427 --> 00:24:19,127
LOUD NOISE
353
00:24:24,487 --> 00:24:30,647
Well, it really works!
You've got a snip of a machine Clegg, yer lucky devil.
354
00:24:30,647 --> 00:24:35,707
How lucky can you get?
Come on, let's go back to the cafe.
355
00:24:35,707 --> 00:24:37,927
We'll show 'em!
356
00:24:48,107 --> 00:24:52,047
I'll do it, I'll do it! You are a
complete novice. It's my screw.
357
00:24:52,167 --> 00:24:56,227
Stop tuggin' about!
And mind those new cups.
358
00:24:56,227 --> 00:24:58,347
I don't want any more breakages.
359
00:24:58,347 --> 00:25:01,407
Oh very well, let him do it.
360
00:25:06,907 --> 00:25:09,007
How will I know when it finds it?
361
00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:12,767
You'll know all right, Sidney,
you'll know.
362
00:25:17,387 --> 00:25:21,367
VERY LOUD NOISE
Arrgh! CRASH OF CROCKERY
363
00:25:24,447 --> 00:25:28,227
Well, he found the screw then.
364
00:25:28,227 --> 00:25:32,847
Oh yes, give the man his due.
He found the screw.
365
00:25:32,847 --> 00:25:36,407
But 'e buried it again
under bits of crockery.
366
00:25:46,647 --> 00:25:50,247
See what a marvellous tool
this is in skilled hands.
367
00:25:51,587 --> 00:25:56,207
Think of all those bits of history
waiting to be discovered.
368
00:25:57,207 --> 00:26:03,127
LOUD NOISE
369
00:26:03,127 --> 00:26:08,907
Oh! I've got something!
It looks like it's incurable.
370
00:26:08,907 --> 00:26:11,327
Dig it up! It might be Roman!
371
00:26:12,347 --> 00:26:14,407
Norm, watch these trousers.
372
00:26:15,427 --> 00:26:18,287
SOUNDS OF DIGGING AND GROANING
373
00:26:25,107 --> 00:26:26,827
Argh...it's an old beer can.
374
00:26:26,827 --> 00:26:28,927
Ingenious beggars, them Romans!
375
00:26:28,927 --> 00:26:32,767
It's Tetley's. Gaius Julius
Tetley! I like it.
376
00:26:32,767 --> 00:26:35,007
Me too. Let's go and 'ave one.
377
00:27:15,947 --> 00:27:17,927
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
378
00:27:17,977 --> 00:27:22,527
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