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1
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,919
How far is it to New Zealand?
2
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:42,029
Oh, right, talk to thyself.
3
00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:45,436
''How far is it to New Zealand, Compo?''
''l don't know, Compo.''
4
00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:49,553
Compo doesn't know
how far it is to New Zealand!
5
00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:52,758
Didn't they tell you at school?
6
00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:56,316
The only thing l remember
'em telling me at school
7
00:00:56,440 --> 00:01:00,513
was never to do that again
to Rosemary Hodgkins.
8
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:04,838
- So what happened?
- l did it to Wendy Faircroft.
9
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:09,115
- What?
- l put a centipede down her blouse.
10
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:15,319
And that's your idea
of time well spent, is it?
11
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:19,274
There's not much to putting
a centipede down a girl's blouse.
12
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:24,076
But seeing as how
l was the only one who dare handle it,
13
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:27,033
l had the fun of getting it out.
14
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:31,231
You wouldn't think
that from such small beginnings
15
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:34,158
would come this interest in New Zealand.
16
00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:37,556
No, it's typical.
l'll give him this much -
17
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:41,116
he's been consistently
disgusting all his life.
18
00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:45,358
lt were just a growing lad's
curiosity about the wonders of life.
19
00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:48,313
lnterested in centipedes, were you?
20
00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:50,874
What a pleasant day.
21
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:54,276
l wonder how many people realise
that in conditions as good as this
22
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:57,790
a well-trained sniper could pot 'em
from almost a mile away.
23
00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:02,232
l'm glad l'm not a centipede.
Fancy having an accident
24
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:07,992
and discovering you've got a broken leg -
pfft, leg, pfft, leg, pfft, leg, pfft.
25
00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:11,954
The Oldfields are going to New Zealand...
for Christmas.
26
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:14,514
You don't have to
go as far as that for it.
27
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,279
lt creeps up on you wherever you are.
28
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:20,437
l'm gonna be prepared for it this time.
29
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,870
l hate people
who leave things to the last minute.
30
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:27,436
That's what our Nellie
was always telling her husband.
31
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:30,438
Didn't make any difference.
32
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,757
They still had all them children.
33
00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:43,278
Oh, ho ho!
34
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,960
Aaghh!
35
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,717
Hey-hey!
36
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:53,798
- Whee, whoa, whee.
- (Foggy) Oh, ho ho!
37
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:55,558
Ha ha! Oh.
38
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:57,636
Hee hee hee!
39
00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:13,840
- What will you buy them this year?
- Who?
40
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,474
Your Nellie's kids, for Christmas.
41
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,670
Hang on a moment.
42
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,473
We haven't gotten rid of summer yet.
43
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:26,276
Well, that's my point, isn't it?
Think about it, little short scruffy person.
44
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:29,790
Why should we wait till
everyone else is on the Christmas rush?
45
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:34,038
He's a great long prong, in't he?
46
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:38,472
How can a bloke think about Christmas
this time of the year?
47
00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:41,273
You won't believe this.
Watch where you're treading
48
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:47,032
cos l think there have been
some reindeer round here.
49
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:53,672
Planning ahead
is the secret to good organisation.
50
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:57,759
Ahh ho. Ho ho, ho ho!
51
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:00,671
Happy Christmas, Foggy!
52
00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:04,110
Compliments of the season, Foggy!
53
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:07,716
(groans)
54
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,070
Ohh, ooh, ooh!
55
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:19,515
What are we doing in here
on a nice summer's day?
56
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:22,873
lt'll all become clear to you in a minute.
57
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,675
Now, just...
sit down and wait patiently.
58
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,678
You've had enough practice
in doctors' surgeries.
59
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,392
- Who has?
- You have.
60
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:33,511
Oh, that were only
when l were working.
61
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:37,315
Working? You?
The fastest sick note in the West?
62
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:40,398
Ah, well...
You see, l've got this back.
63
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:43,432
The worst case of terminal sick note
in medical history.
64
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,437
l haven't had that many notes.
65
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:49,155
Only cos you got fit up
initially with a season ticket.
66
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:54,550
- l had six specialists at my back.
- So that's the explanation.
67
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:58,559
- For what?
- For those six holes in your shirt.
68
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:03,076
Now, it's a while since l've used this.
69
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:07,079
My very words
to Nora Batty the other day.
70
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:09,395
Really?
71
00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:14,559
Aye, l was showing her
me little whistle.
72
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:18,468
- Keep it quiet.
- lt is quiet. lt's a silent whistle.
73
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,717
You've no idea
how pleased l am about that.
74
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:24,877
lt's a poacher's whistle
for calling ferrets in the dark.
75
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,468
Really? And what do you
call ferrets in the dark?
76
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,751
- ''Come here, you bloody...''
- Enough of that.
77
00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:35,829
Claptrap. lt's not a ferret whistle. Those
whistles you can't hear are dog whistles.
78
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:39,236
- Mine is a ferret whistle.
- What's the difference?
79
00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:43,399
Have you ever tried getting
a Labrador down a rabbit hole?
80
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,956
Would you mind
drawing the curtains, please?
81
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,470
l hate drawing my curtains
during the daytime.
82
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:54,559
Suppose the neighbours
start sending flowers.
83
00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:57,877
- What are you gonna show us, anyroad?
- You'll see.
84
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:01,072
You're not gonna show us
them holiday snaps again, are you?
85
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:05,751
l'm not going to show you those...
What's the matter with my holiday snaps?
86
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,836
(coos)
87
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:13,319
Come away, sit down. Be your age.
lt's not what it's for. Come on.
88
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:16,193
As a matter of fact,
you've never seen these before.
89
00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:19,278
Well, l'm showing you these
with a very serious purpose.
90
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:24,554
l want to remind you of last Christmas
and what a disaster it was. And why?
91
00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,513
Because some idiot,
who shall be nameless,
92
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:33,078
had this great idea about
not shopping early for Christmas.
93
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:36,829
Somebody had a theory about waiting
till the last minute on Christmas Eve
94
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,713
and snapping up all the bargains.
95
00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:45,198
- What is that?
- That is last year's Christmas tree.
96
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:50,030
- (Compo) Looks like a bit of old privet.
- (Foggy) lt is a bit of old privet.
97
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,674
Who was it who had this idea?
98
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:57,316
About waiting till Christmas Eve
to do our shopping?
99
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,510
(Compo) All right, l did.
100
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:02,791
(Foggy) ''All the fun
of the yuletide rush'', you said.
101
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:08,597
- The ruddy sheikhs and the choppers.
- The ruddy cheeks of the shoppers!
102
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,275
You know,
like it was when we was kids.
103
00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:15,870
All jostling happily together
on Christmas Eve.
104
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:20,039
- Which last year, fell on a Sunday.
- When all the shops were shut.
105
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:21,513
Boom, boom.
106
00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,710
And this was our Christmas dinner.
107
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:27,589
(Clegg) Nery funny.
108
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:33,670
(Foggy) Oh, how we laughed.
''A fishfinger and a chip'', we laughed.
109
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,678
(Clegg) ''What are they doing
in the workhouse?'' we said.
110
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,553
(Foggy) And l wished
l was doing it with 'em.
111
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:42,478
Yeah, and a right merry Christmas it was.
112
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,955
Well, it's not gonna
happen again this year.
113
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:49,153
As my old scoutmaster used to say,
we are going to be prepared.
114
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,748
So on your feet, you men.
Come on.
115
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:53,711
We'll do our Christmas shopping.
116
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,229
- Christmas shopping?
- Christmas shopping?
117
00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:58,476
- Come on.
- Oh, no. Christmas shopping?
118
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,319
But it's only four o'clock.
119
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:08,393
- l don't like these places.
- What's wrong with these places?
120
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:11,910
They make your life go too fast.
Look at these.
121
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:17,194
''Congratulations on a Happy Event.''
Then a few birthdays. Wedding.
122
00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:22,872
''Happy Anniversary'' and wallop,
you're into ''Get Well Soon''. No.
123
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:27,437
Norm, you don't want
to let cards make you nervous.
124
00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:30,199
When you've had
as many cards as l've had...
125
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:35,440
Fan mail now, is it? Ever since
you became Miss Betting Shop, 1945.
126
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,912
Hey, happy condolences.
127
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:45,358
- Who sends cards to you?
- The electric, gas board...
128
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:48,950
- They're cutting you off by postcard now?
- l collect final warnings.
129
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:51,594
You must have
a nice little corner in that market.
130
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:55,269
Years ago, and long before
you perfected that N-sign,
131
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:58,790
all communications from the gas board
of a threatening nature...
132
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:00,876
Ah!
133
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:02,758
Ah!
134
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:08,037
Nyaaah. Nyaaah!
135
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:11,709
No, don't tell us.
Let me guess.
136
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,115
Liberace.
137
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,471
Bog off. Liberace!
138
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:22,196
l'm doing a threatening nature.
A big heavy from the gas board.
139
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:23,878
Nya ha ha.
140
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,753
- Oh!
- Oh!
141
00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,314
(both shouting indistinctly)
142
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:33,349
Oh.
143
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:38,031
Did you see that?
Did you see the way she looked at me?
144
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:43,359
Our eyes were locked.
Something electric passed between us.
145
00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:46,552
They'll be cutting that off next.
Behave yourself.
146
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,199
- What were you saying?
- l've forgotten.
147
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:56,630
About communications from
the gas board of a threatening nature.
148
00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:58,751
Oh, that.
Oh, yes, yes. Well, hm.
149
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:03,192
The letters used to be from an employee
in an office under managerial level.
150
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:07,233
You know the type - always has a rubber,
knows the price of his wife's hair lacquer.
151
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:13,230
There's always one at a party cornering
you into spelling things like ''illegitimate''.
152
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:16,557
l-double-l-e-g-i-t-i-m-a-t-e.
153
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:18,830
Have you got a rubber?
154
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:23,674
Get on with it.
155
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:28,430
No, l was just reflecting upon the impact
of modernisation on this individual here,
156
00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:31,233
who now gets his
threatening letters from a computer.
157
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:32,759
That's true. l do.
158
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:37,237
And ignores them just the same as he
always did. lsn't progress wonderful?
159
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:41,876
That's just what people need on their
greeting cards - sticky fingerprints.
160
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,514
Mavis, don't get stroppy.
l knew tha mam.
161
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:49,589
She was a bit of a card,
and she knew all about sticky fingerprints.
162
00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:54,513
Sorry about the interruption.
We'd like to see your Christmas cards.
163
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,473
Christmas cards?
At this time of the year?
164
00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:01,195
- Well, you see...
- Mavis, pay no attention.
165
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,959
He's not been the same
since the accident.
166
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,231
- l've not had an accident.
- Don't press your luck.
167
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:13,352
Do you see the way his face shrivels up -
you know, when he gets angry?
168
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:16,472
- Here, get well soon.
- Oh!
169
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:19,194
Some days all you seem
to get is comedians.
170
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:22,995
Get well cards, Christmas cards.
Oh, get out.
171
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,953
- l'm being perfectly serious.
- Get out!
172
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:31,313
Hey, Foggy, whilst you're at it, ask her if
she's got a Nalentine card for Nora Batty.
173
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,795
Preferably one with curlers.
174
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,718
Out, the lot of you.
175
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:39,832
Come on.
176
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,837
Out.
177
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,315
The lot of you.
178
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,236
(Foggy) Good day.
We'd like to see your Christmas selection.
179
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:58,319
(woman) l'll show you my boots,
you dozy comedians!
180
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,954
Unpleasant sort of woman
to be behind a counter.
181
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:04,311
She might be all right
if you like hard centres.
182
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:07,193
Wouldn't like to see her loose
with a toffee hammer.
183
00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:20,752
You'd think they never heard of
Christmas. l try to do Christmas shopping,
184
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:25,874
and it throws the entire local economy
into a bad-tempered panic.
185
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,195
Christmas shopping,
at this time of year?
186
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:33,633
Here we go again, look. Another local
tradesman thrown into a right tizzy.
187
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:37,389
The trouble with them is they can't
cope with a bit of forward planning.
188
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:40,478
- Do you know what date it is?
- Yes, l know what date it is.
189
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:42,511
And you've been Christmas shopping?
190
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:45,996
l've heard of somebody's watch
being fast but that's ridiculous.
191
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,350
- Typical civilian inefficiency.
- What is?
192
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,948
Your attitude.
193
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:55,312
- Your tea's a bit like weasel pee.
- Weasel pee?
194
00:12:56,400 --> 00:13:00,393
- No, it... it's just how we like it.
- l'll give you weasel pee.
195
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:05,196
lt wouldn't be so bad if you did,
but you keep charging us for it.
196
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,512
- Have you unbunged that drain yet?
- Yes.
197
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:17,515
You saw that?
198
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:20,791
Big woman, smartly dressed.
l think it was your wife, Sidney.
199
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:25,038
l know it is. l just wish you'd draw
your attention to the way she greeted me.
200
00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:27,799
''Have you unbunged that drain yet?''
201
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:32,596
They don't write dialogue like that
in your average romantic novel.
202
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:37,635
- God, what was wrong with your drain?
- Now, Foggy...
203
00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:40,877
You ought not to intrude
between a man and his drains.
204
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:45,357
Hey, Sid, she's looking
very tasty, is your lvy.
205
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:50,429
- You know, apart from Nora Batty...
- Which is the only way to be.
206
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:54,189
- ..who will always come first...
- Especially in a bus queue.
207
00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:57,596
She has elbows
especially adapted for bus queues.
208
00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:02,475
..your lvy is the kind of well-built lass
l'd be happy to run away with.
209
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:07,833
My lvy is the kind of well-built lass
l'd be happy for you to run away with.
210
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,678
- He doesn't mean that.
- l do.
211
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:13,190
No, it's a kind of wishful dream
that people have.
212
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,992
l know.
213
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:19,113
Like wishing to serve your country
in some dangerous, secret capacity.
214
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:21,356
Ahhh.
215
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:26,110
lt's not that funny. l don't think it's funny
for a man to want to serve his country.
216
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:30,028
Oh, didn't they ask thee
to join Ml5, then?
217
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,757
All that talent wasted.
218
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:36,917
- You'll just have to keep yourself ready.
- l do.
219
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,873
Me too.
For Nora Batty and Sid's lvy.
220
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,470
l dropped hints that l was available
when me time was up in the army,
221
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:47,673
and l've watched for the postman
every morning since but... nothing.
222
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:52,191
Hey, Norm. They don't recruit
for Ml5 by post, do they?
223
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:57,155
No. Some little bloke slides up to you
in a pub and starts whispering in your ear.
224
00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,556
Oh, l've had that.
225
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:04,116
You'd be surprised some of
the situations it's got me into.
226
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:09,792
lt's not the kind of activity where it's
safe to ask to see a person's credentials.
227
00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:13,151
lf they don't recruit
from experienced people like me,
228
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,635
where do they recruit from?
229
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:17,751
Experienced? Thee?
230
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,758
You don't believe it,
you try coming at me with a knife.
231
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:24,395
- God.
- Come on. Come on.
232
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:30,996
Sit down!
l haven't got a knife.
233
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:34,430
Well, use your teaspoon. Would it
be all right if he used a teaspoon?
234
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,118
Sidney, get him a knife.
235
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:40,074
l've seen him eating. He's the last beggar
that ought to have a knife.
236
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,760
l'm not having
one of his blunt knives!
237
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:46,793
You don't really think
that some fiendish foreign agent
238
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:50,799
is gonna come at thee with a table knife,
does thee? No, no, no, no.
239
00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:55,072
l'll just nip out into the kitchen
and get a proper knife.
240
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:06,195
Some people take everything
so damn literally, don't they?
241
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:10,757
Ooh, oh.
l see the, er...
242
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:13,997
the old knee's,
playing up a bit again, you know.
243
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:18,750
l hope it doesn't throw my timing out by
that fraction. l wouldn't like to hurt him.
244
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:20,836
(knives sharpening)
245
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:26,951
You know, l think you ought
to warn him not to tangle with me.
246
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,230
Do you think he's ready
for a real knife?
247
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:31,396
(clattering in kitchen)
248
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:35,593
- See if you can disarm her from that tray.
- l'll cure him!
249
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:40,510
l'll cure him of that urge he's got
to sneak up on married women.
250
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:44,715
What did you do to Sid's lvy?
251
00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:47,070
l'd rather not go into details.
252
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:49,316
l can understand that.
253
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:52,159
- No offence intended, Norm.
- Oh, none taken.
254
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:56,068
But when you've spent a lifetime
perfecting a technique
255
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,634
of impressing yourself
on married women,
256
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:01,672
you don't want to give away
all your secrets in a pub.
257
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:05,873
- No, that's good thinking.
- You never know who may be listening.
258
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:10,471
Absolutely, and in the wrong hands,
a technique like that could be devastating.
259
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,352
You never know where it might end.
260
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:15,836
lt usually ends with you
getting clobbered with a tray.
261
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,111
Aye. But it's worth it.
262
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:22,949
Course, that's lvy. Nora usually
comes at me with the yard brush.
263
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,197
lt's a powerful technique
you've perfected there.
264
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,834
lt is, Norm. lt is!
265
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,155
Hey, look at that.
266
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:35,398
What's he doing
with that big bloke at the bar?
267
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,990
Trying to get
his breath back at the moment.
268
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:40,872
lt's not as if they knew each other.
269
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,719
Hey, maybe his dream's
come true at last.
270
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:47,515
Maybe he's just been recruited for Ml5.
271
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:53,434
(Compo) 'Ey, it must be something serious
if Foggy's got his purse out.
272
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:57,189
Look at that action, man.
That's smooth.
273
00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:00,437
l hope he finds a better place
to keep his suicide pill.
274
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:06,112
lf it gets locked in there
it would be quicker to die of athlete's foot.
275
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:13,790
Well, there we are, then.
Ten pounds.
276
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,718
Just pulled off
the Christmas bargain of the year.
277
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:19,149
Ten pounds for a bit of an old map?
278
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,955
lt's not for the map.
lt's for what's there on the map.
279
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:25,799
lt's not Captain Morgan's
buried treasure?
280
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,673
You've bought Captain Morgan's
buried treasure.
281
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:32,634
Not from a stranger in a pub who's just
drunk up and left with your ten quid.
282
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:37,709
'Ey-up, if it's buried treasure, l'm not doing
any digging. l've got this bad back. Oh!
283
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,832
- No, it's nothing like that.
- Oh, that's all right, then.
284
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:44,873
- What sort of a fool do you think l am?
- Well...
285
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:48,709
Look, the Forestry Commission
is having a Christmas sale.
286
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:51,274
- The Forestry Commission?
- You've heard if it?
287
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:55,359
Yes, l've just never heard of it
having a Christmas sale.
288
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,517
- That's where l've been so lucky.
- You've been lucky.
289
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:01,837
You've never heard of it
because it hasn't been announced yet.
290
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,872
By pure coincidence,
l got into a conversation at the bar
291
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:08,117
with the one man in this area
who knows about it.
292
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:12,028
That herbert who's just
sneaked off with your ten quid?
293
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:13,912
Area forestry officer.
294
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:17,476
What?
That big lump at the bar?
295
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,158
Why not?
296
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,511
That sweaty prawn in a T-shirt?
297
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:27,555
You think he'd wear woolly jumpers?
They'd never untangle him from the trees.
298
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:30,638
You'd have been better off
meeting Captain Morgan.
299
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:33,399
And he was a Welshman,
so l don't say that lightly.
300
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:39,117
No, come on, Foggy. Tell us, really.
l mean, what have you actually bought?
301
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,872
Christmas trees.
302
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:46,232
A hundred of 'em for ten pounds.
How's that for a bargain?
303
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:51,709
Did you learn the name
of this area forestry officer?
304
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:55,116
- Yeah, of course l did.
- Well, go on, then.
305
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:57,435
- Eric.
- Eric?
306
00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:00,757
- Yeah.
- Eric who?
307
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,436
Big Eric.
308
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,430
(Nora) l didn't hear you knocking.
309
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:14,199
l was tidying up the airing cupboard.
310
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,117
l'm not stopping.
311
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:19,676
- Sugar?
- Oh, l didn't ought to, really.
312
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,870
Say when.
313
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:28,678
Thank you.
314
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,633
Cutting down again, are you?
315
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,519
l can't drink it without.
316
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:40,077
- l never use it, meself.
- And it shows, love.
317
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:44,595
lf you took a spoonful occasionally,
you might find it might relax you,
318
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,870
keep your hands off
your airing cupboard.
319
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:50,595
He needs some new vests.
They're only fit for dusters.
320
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:52,836
Yes, l will say that for them.
321
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:56,430
Troublesome as men are,
their old vests make lovely dusters.
322
00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:57,788
Aye.
323
00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:02,789
''lf it won't shine with an old vest,
it won't shine'', l always say.
324
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:05,317
Mind you, your Wally's so small,
325
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:08,750
l'm surprised you got enough vest
to do more than one window.
326
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:12,350
l've always bought 'em
for him extra long.
327
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:15,836
l should think medium
looks like extra long on your Wally.
328
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,599
Small has its advantages.
329
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:21,712
At least you have no trouble
getting into every corner.
330
00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,832
Which brings me
to why l wanted to see you.
331
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:29,397
Somebody else who has no trouble in
getting in every corner - your neighbour.
332
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:33,069
Him down there with the clutching hands,
small and obnoxious.
333
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:36,909
Ooh, him.
You don't have to tell me about him.
334
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:41,238
- l've been dodging him for years.
- Grabbed me in the kitchen this morning.
335
00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:42,998
- Came up behind you?
- Yeah.
336
00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:47,272
Quick faint with his left arm,
then whops it to you with his right.
337
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:50,870
- Yeah. That's right.
- Ohh, l know his every move.
338
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:56,791
- l nearly dropped the chip pan.
- You should have. Down his trousers!
339
00:21:56,920 --> 00:22:01,710
The sooner it gets covered in batter,
the safer it's going to be.
340
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:04,559
The safer for every one of us round here.
341
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:08,798
But you see, it isn't everyone, is it?
lt's just you and me.
342
00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:11,354
See, that's why l thought
we ought to have a talk.
343
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,869
What are we going to do about him?
344
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,276
lt's getting so you need eyes
in the back of your corsets.
345
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:19,516
How are we going to stop him?
346
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:22,393
Well, l normally use me yard brush.
347
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:25,557
Say he catches you when you
haven't got your yard brush with you.
348
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,433
l don't go far
without me yard brush.
349
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:31,313
No, but say he catches you without it.
350
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:35,513
Then l hope he's washed his hands.
351
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:39,349
And try not to think about his ferrets.
352
00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:44,158
- But it's time that he was stopped.
- Ooh, you don't have to convince me.
353
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:48,319
That cheeky devil's been places
that would never occur to my Wally,
354
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:52,115
even if he was looking
for one of his damn pigeons.
355
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:56,434
You know what we're doing wrong,
don't you? We're too defensive.
356
00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:59,279
We start leaping about
and shrieking when he grabs us.
357
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:04,394
Well, that just encourages him.
lt's time we started fighting back.
358
00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:08,991
- Will you have a piece of cake?
- l think l will, love.
359
00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:11,634
While we decide
how we're going to handle him.
360
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:16,356
With gloves, of course,
being the first thing that springs to mind.
361
00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:24,557
'Ey-up, that's a lot of Christmas trees.
362
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:28,195
They're not all mine.
Only bought a hundred.
363
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:32,518
- lt reminds me of Rose-Marie.
- What does?
364
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:36,792
All these trees. lf we hang about, we
should see Nelson Eddy come riding out
365
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:40,276
in the uniform
of the North West Mounted Police.
366
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:43,949
l saw that film. Nelson Eddy
fell in love with this lndian bird.
367
00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:49,279
lf you'd seen nothing for days but trees,
you could fall in love with anything.
368
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:52,597
Well, are we gonna walk down
and look at my trees or what?
369
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:56,838
l bet there were Mounties
falling in love all over the place.
370
00:23:56,960 --> 00:24:00,794
They were a fine body of men.
Used to love their horses.
371
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:04,833
Fur-trappers, Eskimos... anything.
372
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:06,996
They always got their man.
373
00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:11,272
Puts a whole new wealth
of poignancy on that, doesn't it?
374
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:14,437
- Are you coming or not?
- Not!
375
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:19,033
We'll stay here, Foggy,
and wait for Nelson Eddy.
376
00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:21,958
At the double, you men.
Come on.
377
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,798
Looks like we volunteered again.
378
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:38,553
They all look alike.
How's thee gonna know which are yours?
379
00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:40,318
l have a map.
380
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:45,673
All we need now is a map which
helps him find his way about his map.
381
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:48,553
l resent that slur
on my military capabilities.
382
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:50,830
Good job tha's looking
for Christmas trees
383
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:54,714
cos l reckon it's gonna
take thee until Christmas to find 'em!
384
00:24:54,840 --> 00:25:00,676
l know what l'm doing. A map is as good
as a picture to the trained military eye.
385
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:06,353
Are we... No, we need
to be over in that direction.
386
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,914
About... 500 yards.
387
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:16,593
These?
388
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:20,429
These are my trees.
l have a signed receipt.
389
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:24,838
Oh, yes. These are my trees.
Well, a hundred of 'em, anyway.
390
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:26,439
Beauties, aren't they?
391
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:30,599
l told you this was the time
to go shopping for Christmas bargains.
392
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:41,431
Tha's gonna be kept busy
stringing this lot with fairy lights.
393
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:45,838
The bloke he gave ten quid to
in the pub thinks it is Christmas.
394
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,679
Tha's been done.
He saw thee coming.
395
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:50,950
Rubbish. We've got a snip here.
396
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:52,479
We?
397
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:56,195
- By virtue of our shrewd investment.
- Our shrewd investment?
398
00:25:56,320 --> 00:26:01,474
Certainly. You don't think l'm so selfish as
to keep a good thing like this to meself?
399
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:07,470
For a mere three pounds,
30... odd pence from each of you,
400
00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:11,229
entitles you to full partnership
in this... lucrative enterprise.
401
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:14,477
And we've only got
to carry 33 and a bit each.
402
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,636
l'm not moving them from here.
403
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:20,275
l'm not surprised.
You'd never get this lot into your purse.
404
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,709
lt's frightened you off, hasn't it?
405
00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:26,071
You're so used to thinking small,
your minds won't expand.
406
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:29,829
To take in the opportunities
we've come across here.
407
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:32,190
They're not just trees.
408
00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:35,073
Try to think of them as pencils.
409
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:38,476
Lollipop sticks. Toothpicks.
410
00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:41,558
My God, we could corner
the toothpick market!
411
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:46,629
Where are you going? Come back here!
You are running out on a gold mine.
412
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:47,749
Ha.
413
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:52,476
You'll be sorry
when l'm driving past in a Bentley.
414
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:57,196
All right, they're my trees.
Now, listen...
415
00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:03,358
My God,
they're crawling with insects.
416
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:07,234
Get off. Get off. Get off!
417
00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:11,194
Well, the least you could do
is help me keep them pest-free.
418
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:14,471
Get off. Get off. Oh, my God.
419
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,750
What's up with him, then?
420
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:25,233
Christmas trees?
421
00:27:25,360 --> 00:27:28,477
One hundred at 10p each.
422
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,797
He gave ten quid
to a stranger in a boozer?
423
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:33,990
There was nothing strange about him.
424
00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:37,032
He just happened to be there
selling Christmas trees?
425
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:40,630
- Well, somebody has to.
- ln midsummer?
426
00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:43,558
He took advantage
of his slack-season prices.
427
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:47,355
Thought the Forestry Commission
were having a summer sale!
428
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:49,993
Oh, oh.
429
00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:54,079
lf you keep your ear to the ground,
you hear about things.
430
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:58,759
You keep your ear to the ground
and somebody treads on your head.
431
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:02,509
They probably laughed at Paul Getty
when he bought his first oil well.
432
00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:07,509
''Look at that fool. Just parted with
good money for a hole in the ground.''
433
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:10,473
Right here on the map, they were...
434
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:24,070
- lt was all here on the map.
- A hundred Christmas trees?
435
00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:27,795
- lt's there in black and white.
- (Sid) A hundred Christmas trees?
436
00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:30,798
ln the middle of the summer?
437
00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:39,516
(pots clatter)
438
00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:45,519
Ho! Ho! Ho!
439
00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:48,594
l think he's right.
lt must be Christmas.
440
00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:50,676
(clattering)
441
00:28:56,880 --> 00:29:01,795
- What are you doing behind my counter?
- Oh, er, l-l... l like it behind your counter.
442
00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:03,319
(cackling)
443
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:11,469
They caught me unawares.
444
00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:15,434
And a merry Christmas to you!
(shrieks)
445
00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:20,875
- (Clegg) ls thee feeling better, Foggy?
- (Foggy) Aw, shut up.
446
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:23,992
(Compo) 'Ey-up, he's still
full of Christmas spirit.
447
00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:26,429
(Clegg) You're not gonna jump,
are you, Foggy?
448
00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:28,551
Just because you've lost ten quid,
449
00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:34,038
you're not gonna fling yourself recklessly
into this six inches of water, are you?
450
00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:35,991
(Foggy) No, l'm not.
451
00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:38,873
(Clegg) Foggy,
when a friend makes a suggestion,
452
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:42,276
the best you can do is listen to him.
453
00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:45,870
(Compo) ? God rest ye,
merry gentlemen
454
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:48,833
(Compo and Clegg)
? Let nothing you dismay...
455
00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:51,520
(Foggy) l suppose you think
that's funny.
456
00:29:51,570 --> 00:29:56,120
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