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1
00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:19,811
I wouldn't want to live his life,
'cause he hasn't been happy all of his life.
2
00:00:19,895 --> 00:00:23,231
All I think is, if you can
find work, stay healthy...
3
00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:25,483
find somebody to share it with,
you're the ultimate success.
4
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:29,070
He's had some of the pieces
of the puzzle, but not all of them.
5
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:33,282
"I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear..."
6
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,451
I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear...
7
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:39,997
"That I will faithfully execute the office
of President of the United States."
8
00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:42,083
That I will faithfully execute the office...
9
00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:54,846
When you're young,
your potential is infinite.
10
00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:57,849
You might do anything, really.
11
00:00:57,933 --> 00:01:00,309
You might be Einstein.
12
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,979
You might be DiMaggio.
13
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:07,608
Then you get to an age
when what you might be...
14
00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:10,194
gives way to what you have been.
15
00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:11,904
You weren't Einstein.
16
00:01:12,448 --> 00:01:13,990
You weren't anything.
17
00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:17,493
That's a bad moment.
18
00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:38,639
Chuck, it's Pen.
19
00:01:40,893 --> 00:01:44,687
Hey! Jesus. How'd you find me?
20
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:47,607
You wrote me your last letter
on hotel stationery.
21
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,069
It's great to see you, Pen.
22
00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:54,030
You look beautiful.
23
00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:56,824
This place is scary.
24
00:01:57,910 --> 00:02:01,162
Yeah. The human psyche.
25
00:02:01,705 --> 00:02:04,540
I came to take you back
to California with me.
26
00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:08,127
- No.
- It's a lonely state without you.
27
00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:11,088
I'm home, Red.
28
00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:22,433
I can't wait forever for you to marry me.
29
00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:28,731
Well, apparently, I can,
but I really don't want to.
30
00:02:36,532 --> 00:02:39,075
I love you so much.
31
00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:46,290
You don't understand.
32
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,544
I don't even know why.
33
00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:51,337
Penny.
34
00:02:52,381 --> 00:02:54,257
Penny, Penny, Penny.
35
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:17,488
Listen, I gotta go, okay?
I'm kind of busy right now, okay?
36
00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:20,825
It was 1981...
37
00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:25,121
and I had holed myself up
in this New York hotel...
38
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,998
the Phoenix Hotel...
39
00:03:27,082 --> 00:03:30,877
terrified of everything, ashamed of my life.
40
00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:37,842
Until, finally, I realized my salvation...
41
00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:41,929
might be in recording
my wasted life unflinchingly.
42
00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:46,517
Maybe it would serve as a cautionary tale...
43
00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:49,020
and maybe it would help me understand why.
44
00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:53,274
When I was 11, I had an experience...
45
00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:57,862
with my sister's friend Tuvia
that left an indelible impression.
46
00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:59,447
- Hey.
- What?
47
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,490
- Tuvia.
- What?
48
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,284
You want to lick it?
49
00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:06,537
No. Why should I?
50
00:04:06,622 --> 00:04:08,915
Well, for one thing,
it tastes like strawberry.
51
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,208
My sister tells me you love strawberries.
52
00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:13,878
Yeah, well, I hate strawberries.
53
00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:17,298
No, I'm serious.
It tastes exactly like a strawberry lollipop.
54
00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:18,758
I know that's not true.
55
00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:21,844
- I bet you it does.
- I bet you it doesn't.
56
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:24,096
I'll bet you a dollar.
57
00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:28,601
Tuvia.
58
00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:30,645
My first love.
59
00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:33,898
Perhaps my whole life turned at that point.
60
00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:36,525
The repulsiveness of my sex confirmed...
61
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:40,738
by the taste buds
of a ripening pubescent girl.
62
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:42,156
What are you doing?
63
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,741
Get off me!
64
00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:48,079
And so I found myself
in a downward spiral of debauchery...
65
00:04:48,163 --> 00:04:49,956
endlessly chasing pussy.
66
00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:57,296
My only focus in life...
to get laid, to get blown...
67
00:04:57,381 --> 00:04:59,090
trying to fool myself into believing...
68
00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,926
that given the right combination
of circumstances and deception...
69
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:06,722
maybe the Tuvias of the world
could desire me the way I desired them.
70
00:05:08,517 --> 00:05:10,518
I only wanted to be loved.
71
00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,067
No.
72
00:05:33,041 --> 00:05:38,796
The constant inarticulate rage
led to bar fight after bar fight.
73
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,181
New York is a city of people...
74
00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:53,477
the only state in the Union to stretch
from the Atlantic Ocean to the Great Lakes.
75
00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,980
Directly across the avenue is—
You're right again.
76
00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:59,316
I had heard that television
was an industry with a future...
77
00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:03,362
so I packed up and moved
from Philly to Manhattan.
78
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:07,992
We began making
commercial broadcasts in 1941...
79
00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:12,913
and in 1953, NBC made the first ever
color telecast by a network...
80
00:06:12,998 --> 00:06:15,166
during The Colgate Comedy Hour.
81
00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:18,627
Now we'll have a look at the studio
where they produce The Today Show...
82
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:22,381
which NBC began broadcasting in 1952.
83
00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:23,799
Excuse me, miss.
84
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:26,010
Do you know where I could apply
for an NBC page?
85
00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:31,223
Such as The Perry Como Show,
which you can tune into on Saturdays at 7:30.
86
00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,850
The Nat King Cole Show...
87
00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:35,770
which you won't want to miss,
on Tuesdays at 8:00 P.M.
88
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:37,855
And hold on one second.
89
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:40,691
Okay.
90
00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:44,987
And my personal favorite,
The Lux Show starring Rosemary Clooney.
91
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:47,156
Which you can enjoy
every Thursday at 10:00.
92
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:50,701
And of course, The Steve Allen Show
which delights us every Sunday at 8:00.
93
00:06:50,786 --> 00:06:52,703
You may also be interested
to know that Steve Allen...
94
00:06:52,788 --> 00:06:55,748
actually got his start in entertainment
as an NBC page.
95
00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,500
Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll follow me.
96
00:06:57,584 --> 00:07:00,961
You know Raymond, in accounting?
He's kind of cute, huh?
97
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:03,631
Cute is all well and good, Mary-Ann...
98
00:07:03,715 --> 00:07:07,218
but what you want
is a man who's going places...
99
00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:10,846
a go-getter on the management fast track.
100
00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,431
What about Mr. Waters?
101
00:07:12,516 --> 00:07:15,142
Yeah, management
training application, please, ma'am.
102
00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:18,104
How many people have applied for this so far?
103
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:21,398
Let's see. Including you? About 2,000.
104
00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:23,859
- For how many positions?
- Five.
105
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:30,658
Thanks, ma'am.
106
00:07:36,832 --> 00:07:41,210
Sometimes, as a younger man,
I stretched the truth to get what I wanted.
107
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,796
- Tell me again!
- Head of network sales at 30.
108
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,173
Head of the entire network by 40!
109
00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:51,679
I love you, Mr. Chuck Barris,
management trainee.
110
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,685
Life was sweet.
111
00:08:01,523 --> 00:08:03,107
For a minute.
112
00:08:03,859 --> 00:08:07,736
Everything's either madly exciting
or madly interesting.
113
00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:11,991
I hope Sally never bothers herself with you.
114
00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:22,626
I got fired today.
115
00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:24,837
Fired?
116
00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,547
Yeah, fired.
117
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:29,175
Fired?
118
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,637
What the fuck did you get fired for?
119
00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,639
I don't know. Efficiency cutbacks.
120
00:08:35,724 --> 00:08:38,350
Some bullshit. Look, it's gonna be fine.
121
00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:43,814
I'm pregnant.
122
00:08:49,905 --> 00:08:53,157
So, I figured, I'm gonna skip town.
123
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:57,328
I intend to be important, you know?
I can't be saddled with this.
124
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:03,042
But then I remembered something Carlyle said.
125
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:08,255
"Do the duty which lies nearest thee."
126
00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:11,926
- So you see...
- Who's Carlyle?
127
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:17,932
Dear God. Why do I even bother?
128
00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:20,601
Fuck you, you condescending prick.
129
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:24,063
Pregnant?
130
00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:27,233
Yeah, pregnant.
131
00:09:27,943 --> 00:09:28,901
Fuck you.
132
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:30,861
What the fuck did you get pregnant for?
133
00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:32,029
Fuck you.
134
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:34,490
What do you mean,
what the fuck did I get pregnant for?
135
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:37,201
You got me fucking pregnant, you fuck!
136
00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:39,161
- Well, fuck you!
- Fuck you.
137
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,789
- Fuckin'—
- Fuck you.
138
00:09:41,873 --> 00:09:43,040
Fuck!
139
00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:45,084
Fuck you.
140
00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:55,511
Looks like I was just late.
141
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,395
Yes, we had a great time.
142
00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:09,358
The crew loved him and loved the show,
you know? Because it was crazy.
143
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:12,444
And we could do anything
we wanted to, sort of.
144
00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:15,572
And, yeah, they liked him very much.
145
00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:17,074
He was a good guy.
146
00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:20,577
Even though he's a prick,
he's a good guy too.
147
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,788
"What is labeled a dream faculty.
148
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:25,874
Wouldn't school be wonderful
if we had a faculty like this?"
149
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,001
You read it, all right?
150
00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:30,421
"Principal Sal Mineo,
Vice Principal Tony Perkins."
151
00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:34,800
Couldn't you see going to a school
where Sal Mineo is the principal?
152
00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:37,761
In '61, I had become
a minor suit at ABC.
153
00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:39,763
It was during the music payola scandal...
154
00:10:39,848 --> 00:10:42,266
so myjob was to commute
to Philly every day...
155
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:46,478
to the American Bandstand tapings
to keep an eye on Dick Clark.
156
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,439
One more lady's choice
of the afternoon to go...
157
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:50,190
and suppose we make it this one, okay?
158
00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:54,611
On weekends,
I used to hang around amusement parks...
159
00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:57,614
because that's where the young girls were.
160
00:10:57,699 --> 00:11:01,618
I wrote a song about my experiences.
161
00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,454
When you stop at the top
of a Ferris wheel
162
00:11:03,538 --> 00:11:08,250
I got it to Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon
through my friendship with Dick Clark.
163
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,836
Dick really wanted to help me out.
164
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,129
Hi.
165
00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:14,173
- What?
- Hi.
166
00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:17,885
I wrote this song.
167
00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:23,474
It's number three on the pop charts.
168
00:11:23,558 --> 00:11:24,558
See?
169
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,061
Yeah.
170
00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:31,023
I believe there's
a great future in television.
171
00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:35,652
So I'm gonna take my royalties
and I'm gonna create a pilot.
172
00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:38,655
A pilot's what they call a test TV show.
173
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:40,324
I work in TV.
174
00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:42,743
Yeah? What's your name? I'm Chuck.
175
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:44,453
- Debbie.
- Debbie.
176
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,038
So, you live in Philly?
177
00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:47,623
No, I live in Manhattan.
178
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:48,999
It's gonna be a game show.
179
00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,085
I believe there's
a great future in game shows.
180
00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:52,711
That's good.
181
00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:55,881
Yeah. Everyone loves game shows, right?
182
00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:59,176
- I don't know.
- Well, they do.
183
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:01,053
Well, that's great then.
184
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,138
I'm on my way.
185
00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,778
Hello.
186
00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,154
Hi.
187
00:12:23,284 --> 00:12:25,327
Don't be alarmed.
I'm here with Debbie.
188
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:28,330
Yeah, I figured that. Hungry?
189
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:31,041
No, thanks.
190
00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:32,126
Thirsty?
191
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:36,463
Sure, if you have a beer or...
192
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:46,098
How was sex with Debbie?
I always wanted to know.
193
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:49,685
It was good. Fine. Thanks for asking.
194
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,270
No problem.
195
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:56,316
I just got fucked by this drummer cat-
a real righteous Negro hipster.
196
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:57,901
Interesting.
197
00:12:57,986 --> 00:13:01,905
I'm into the brotherhood of man.
I fucked an Oriental last week.
198
00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,491
- What are you?
- Jew.
199
00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:06,827
I had one of those once, but he was Sephardic.
200
00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:08,871
You look Ashke-nazi.
201
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,665
- Ashkenazi.
- Right, Ashke-nazi.
202
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:16,670
- I haven't had one of those yet.
- You're romantic.
203
00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:20,382
I just don't get into all the bullshit
between cats and chicks.
204
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,676
- I know what you mean.
- You know what I mean?
205
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,637
Besides, you just give your heart to one cat
and you get hurt.
206
00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:27,347
Don't I know it.
207
00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:34,229
We could ball if you want.
208
00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:41,236
That would be good.
209
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:44,531
Yeah, but-
210
00:13:44,616 --> 00:13:47,868
I'm here with Debbie. It doesn't seem right.
211
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,168
That's true. I didn't think of that.
212
00:13:58,254 --> 00:14:00,923
Well, I'm going to bed.
It was nice meeting you.
213
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:02,925
Hey, what's your name?
214
00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:07,012
I'm Penny.
215
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,430
I'm Chuck.
216
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,224
- Chuck Barris.
- Yeah.
217
00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:11,892
Yeah, you wrote that Palisades song.
218
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:14,394
- I really like that song.
- Thanks.
219
00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:16,230
Yeah, it's real sentimental bullshit.
220
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:18,607
Right.
221
00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:34,850
Last night in my dream, this ape and I
are sitting staring at each other...
222
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,477
and it was across time and evolution.
223
00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:41,773
And then he started talking,
but in a language I didn't really understand.
224
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:44,651
Swiss, maybe.
225
00:15:45,737 --> 00:15:49,656
And then he turned into Perry Como-
real square.
226
00:15:49,741 --> 00:15:51,825
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.
227
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:55,078
Just because we fucked
doesn't mean there are strings now.
228
00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:56,371
Okay.
229
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,123
I just wanted
to tell you about my dream.
230
00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:00,917
Nothing more complicated than that.
Don't panic.
231
00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:03,962
I'm just not used to all this dating bullshit.
232
00:16:04,047 --> 00:16:07,758
Now we're a couple.
Now I'm obliged to give a shit what you say.
233
00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:10,552
Don't worry.
I'm not into those games either.
234
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:15,223
So anyway, the monkey turns into Perry Como,
and I say...
235
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:16,850
- Holy fuck.
- What?
236
00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:18,769
Holy, holy fuck.
237
00:16:18,853 --> 00:16:22,439
You just gave me an idea for a show. Fuck!
238
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:23,982
A show about monkeys?
239
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:25,942
No, about people.
240
00:16:26,027 --> 00:16:30,530
About sex, about romance,
about the bullshit of dating.
241
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,117
I call it The Dating Game.
242
00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:37,162
And that's what it's about, Mr. Goldberg.
243
00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:43,377
A pretty girl asks three handsome guys-
who she can't see... silly questions.
244
00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:45,379
And based on their answers...
245
00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:49,091
she picks one to date,
and we pay for the date.
246
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,884
That's it. That's the show.
247
00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:01,812
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
248
00:17:01,896 --> 00:17:04,147
- Hot damn!
- What? What? What?
249
00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:05,440
- They bought it!
- Yeah!
250
00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,150
They bought it!
251
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:10,612
They're giving me 7,500 fuckin' dollars
to make a pilot!
252
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,823
We gotta go celebrate!
Let's go roller skating!
253
00:17:12,907 --> 00:17:14,282
I can't! I got a date!
254
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,826
Okay, cool. Will you call me after?
255
00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,911
- Okay!
- Okay! Bye!
256
00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:12,632
I figured I was in.
257
00:18:12,717 --> 00:18:18,221
All I had to do was get the pilot made,
and I'd be a millionaire.
258
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:20,891
Everyone would love me.
259
00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:24,603
Was anyone ever so young?
260
00:18:24,687 --> 00:18:27,314
- No.
- No.
261
00:18:27,398 --> 00:18:28,356
No.
262
00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:30,567
All right. Lose it.
263
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:33,069
ABC didn't like The Dating Game.
264
00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:35,322
They did like a show called Hootenanny.
265
00:18:35,406 --> 00:18:37,365
I like this one.
266
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:40,494
Well, he led an amazingly long life.
267
00:18:40,578 --> 00:18:42,788
Hooten-fuckin'-nanny.
268
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:48,126
What do they know?
269
00:18:48,211 --> 00:18:50,837
That's long for a dog.
270
00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:55,008
I don't know. Probably about 70 to you and me.
271
00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:06,686
It's nine years to every one of ours.
272
00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:14,152
Yeah.
273
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:21,785
I'm sorry about your show.
274
00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:25,789
What? How long has he been dead?
275
00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:27,791
Jesus, Phoebe, that's-
276
00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,334
Yeah. No, I'll hold on.
277
00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:31,336
- Is that your mom?
- My sister.
278
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:33,129
Come here.
279
00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:35,507
Oh, yeah. I got you these.
280
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:36,883
Listen, Pen, I'm not-
281
00:19:36,968 --> 00:19:39,302
I want to tell you something.
I talked to a psychic today.
282
00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:41,304
- A what?
- A psychic.
283
00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:44,307
And she said that you are
gonna be very successful.
284
00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:47,143
- Really?
- Very successful.
285
00:19:47,228 --> 00:19:50,689
- Tarot cards?
- Tea leaves.
286
00:19:50,773 --> 00:19:53,650
Say that again, Phoebe. I missed it.
287
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:55,402
Tuvia?
288
00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:57,571
No, why would I have seen her?
289
00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:01,700
- She did?
- Who's Tuvia?
290
00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:04,911
- To Manhattan?
- Who's Tuvia?
291
00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:07,581
Yeah.
292
00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:16,006
Your niece.
293
00:20:16,090 --> 00:20:18,633
Divorced? Really?
294
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,927
I didn't know she got married.
295
00:20:22,013 --> 00:20:23,221
Yes?
296
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:27,893
Hi, Tuvia.
297
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:33,523
Well, if it isn't Strawberry Dick Barris.
298
00:20:33,608 --> 00:20:36,109
What do you want?
299
00:20:36,193 --> 00:20:39,154
I'm back in town for a while,
and I thought maybe...
300
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,697
Jesus, you gotta be kidding.
301
00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:42,073
We could go out
and get an ice cream cone.
302
00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:46,036
He's so convincing
when he's talkin' with you.
303
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:48,288
He could convince you of anything.
304
00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:54,127
He's one of the very few guys
I'd like to have on my side in a street fight.
305
00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:56,338
You wanna fight, you big pile of shit?
306
00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:11,353
You're a pretty angry young fella.
307
00:21:11,437 --> 00:21:14,898
- Can't fight worth a damn, though.
- Hey, screw off, queer.
308
00:21:14,982 --> 00:21:18,068
Don't think I haven't seen you watching me
in that bar for a week now.
309
00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:20,028
Kind of a loner, I'd say.
310
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,489
Fairly bright, a tad antisocial.
311
00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:25,075
Mad at the world. Can I buy you lunch?
312
00:21:26,869 --> 00:21:30,580
There's a school yard half a block down.
Why don't you go trollin' there?
313
00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:33,750
I can teach you
at least 30 different ways...
314
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:36,419
to kill a man with a single blow, Mr. Barris.
315
00:21:36,504 --> 00:21:39,422
It might help in future bar fights.
Just a thought.
316
00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:43,969
And there's money in it— good money.
317
00:21:45,179 --> 00:21:47,597
I figure if I can keep afloat...
318
00:21:47,682 --> 00:21:49,933
until I come up
with the next game show idea...
319
00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:52,018
then all would be copacetic.
320
00:21:52,103 --> 00:21:54,437
That sounds great, Chuck.
321
00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:58,274
I've never known a television producer before.
I'm impressed.
322
00:21:58,359 --> 00:22:00,276
Yeah. Okay.
323
00:22:00,361 --> 00:22:02,737
What's this money and a deal
you were talking about?
324
00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:05,156
I work for a government agency.
325
00:22:05,241 --> 00:22:07,784
We're always looking for good,
enthusiastic men...
326
00:22:07,868 --> 00:22:10,203
to help us carry out our directives.
327
00:22:17,378 --> 00:22:19,462
What kind of work? What government agency?
328
00:22:20,798 --> 00:22:23,633
Problem-solving work.
329
00:22:23,718 --> 00:22:25,593
The Office of Diplomatic Security.
330
00:22:25,678 --> 00:22:29,222
Office of what? I never heard of it.
331
00:22:29,306 --> 00:22:31,683
Is that the fuckin' CIA or something?
332
00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:36,896
Please be discreet, Mr. Barris.
333
00:22:49,744 --> 00:22:51,119
Jesus.
334
00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,246
It is the fuckin' CIA?
335
00:22:55,041 --> 00:22:56,958
Yeah. Hell, I'll be a spy.
336
00:22:57,043 --> 00:23:00,879
Where do I sign up? Are you fuckin' with me?
You're fuckin' with me, aren't you?
337
00:23:00,963 --> 00:23:04,632
Hardly. And you wouldn't
be working for the company.
338
00:23:04,717 --> 00:23:07,469
You'd be an independent contract agent.
339
00:23:07,553 --> 00:23:08,803
Independent.
340
00:23:08,888 --> 00:23:11,097
No official tie to any agency.
341
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:14,225
Understand?
342
00:23:17,313 --> 00:23:18,772
Why me?
343
00:23:20,274 --> 00:23:24,235
Well, as you know, I've been watching you.
For quite some time, actually.
344
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,863
I've only let you know about it
for the last week.
345
00:23:26,947 --> 00:23:30,784
I'm happy to report
you fit our profile, Mr. Barris.
346
00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:33,953
Are you interested in the work?
347
00:23:36,874 --> 00:23:38,124
What's the profile?
348
00:23:38,209 --> 00:23:42,378
Are you interested
in the work, Mr. Barris?
349
00:23:42,463 --> 00:23:44,964
Yeah, sure. I wanna be a secret agent.
350
00:23:45,049 --> 00:23:46,549
A contract agent, whatever.
351
00:23:46,634 --> 00:23:48,885
Get to fuck beautiful Eastern European women-
352
00:23:48,969 --> 00:23:51,387
What we do is very serious, Mr. Barris.
353
00:23:51,472 --> 00:23:54,390
It's essential in quelling
the rise of communism...
354
00:23:54,475 --> 00:23:58,978
and allowing democracy to get
its rightful foothold around the globe.
355
00:23:59,063 --> 00:24:01,147
You understand?
356
00:24:02,858 --> 00:24:04,859
Sure.
357
00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:06,236
Yeah.
358
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:08,696
Yeah, okay. That's good.
359
00:24:24,004 --> 00:24:28,925
There are several efficient methods
for killing a man...
360
00:24:29,009 --> 00:24:30,885
were you to find yourself without a weapon.
361
00:24:32,179 --> 00:24:36,558
The edge of your hand
against your adversary's Adam's apple.
362
00:24:36,642 --> 00:24:38,977
This will crush his windpipe...
363
00:24:39,061 --> 00:24:41,771
causing strangulation...
364
00:24:41,856 --> 00:24:43,273
and death.
365
00:24:49,363 --> 00:24:50,864
Shit!
366
00:24:52,533 --> 00:24:54,701
I need another volunteer.
367
00:24:57,538 --> 00:25:01,124
- You're training me to be a killer.
- See, Chuck, I knew you were fairly bright.
368
00:25:01,208 --> 00:25:04,627
I'm not killin' people.
My future's in television.
369
00:25:04,712 --> 00:25:08,047
You're 32 years old,
and you've achieved nothing.
370
00:25:08,132 --> 00:25:12,093
Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33.
You better get crackin'.
371
00:25:12,178 --> 00:25:14,137
- I have ideas for shows.
- Good.
372
00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:16,723
Why don't you spend another
six months developing them...
373
00:25:16,807 --> 00:25:20,059
while you're staring out the window
waiting for Larry Goldberg to call.
374
00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:24,564
- How do you know all this?
- I know everything about you, Chuck.
375
00:25:24,648 --> 00:25:26,441
I know which hand you jerk off with.
376
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:30,111
Left. Leave in the morning, if you want.
377
00:25:30,196 --> 00:25:33,323
I'm here to tell you,
this is honest work for good pay.
378
00:25:33,407 --> 00:25:37,035
You're making the world safer
and your country will be grateful.
379
00:25:38,454 --> 00:25:40,788
It'll toughen you up.
380
00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:42,749
Wait a second!
381
00:25:43,417 --> 00:25:45,835
Hey, we gotta talk about this.
382
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:50,298
And there it was... my defining moment.
383
00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:52,926
I wasn'tjust gonna work for the CIA.
384
00:25:53,010 --> 00:25:55,511
I was gonna kill for them.
385
00:25:57,431 --> 00:25:59,724
Call it patriotism.
386
00:26:40,808 --> 00:26:45,770
Glycerine is, of course,
the best known nitrating agent.
387
00:26:45,854 --> 00:26:50,858
Keep in mind, though,
that nitro glycerine...
388
00:26:50,943 --> 00:26:52,986
is extremely unstable.
389
00:26:55,114 --> 00:26:57,573
A slight tap...
390
00:26:57,658 --> 00:27:01,494
a one-degree change in temperature...
391
00:27:01,578 --> 00:27:04,163
and it'll blow up in your hands.
392
00:27:07,835 --> 00:27:09,919
So, let's mix us up a batch!
393
00:27:10,004 --> 00:27:15,216
Everybody take your 75-milliliter beaker
and fill it up to the 13-milliliter level...
394
00:27:15,301 --> 00:27:18,094
with red-hot fumin' nitric acid-
395
00:27:18,178 --> 00:27:20,179
98% concentration.
396
00:27:23,851 --> 00:27:25,435
The field phone-
397
00:27:25,519 --> 00:27:29,772
used as an instrument of interrogation
or torture.
398
00:27:34,611 --> 00:27:38,197
Attaching firmly to the genitalia.
399
00:27:40,659 --> 00:27:42,618
Hey, Ivan!
400
00:27:42,703 --> 00:27:46,539
Are you now or have you ever been
a member of the Communist Party?
401
00:27:46,623 --> 00:27:50,043
What's your Aunt Tillie's
recipe for vodka cookies?
402
00:28:01,638 --> 00:28:03,431
All right, Jack.
403
00:28:03,515 --> 00:28:05,183
Take care, Lee.
404
00:28:31,168 --> 00:28:33,503
I know a lot about him
that you are not gonna know.
405
00:28:33,587 --> 00:28:34,921
I can't tell you.
406
00:28:35,005 --> 00:28:36,506
Yeah.
407
00:28:36,590 --> 00:28:42,136
I know some things about him
that are very distressing, and—
408
00:28:42,763 --> 00:28:45,973
and you wouldn't want
to know them about him.
409
00:28:59,113 --> 00:29:01,322
So, what did this guy Renda do, anyway?
410
00:29:01,407 --> 00:29:04,784
It's yourjob to follow directives,
not question their validity.
411
00:29:15,838 --> 00:29:17,380
Hermano, help me, please.
412
00:29:19,466 --> 00:29:20,466
No, no. No, no.
413
00:29:20,551 --> 00:29:22,301
Can I be of some assistance?
414
00:29:22,386 --> 00:29:23,553
He's a bad guy.
415
00:29:23,637 --> 00:29:25,972
He's one of the bad guys.
416
00:29:27,057 --> 00:29:28,724
Bad for the US, right, Jim?
417
00:29:28,809 --> 00:29:31,477
Not bad in an absolute sense,
just bad for the US.
418
00:29:31,562 --> 00:29:32,979
Don't fuckin' dance with me.
419
00:29:33,063 --> 00:29:36,774
Renda's bad for the Tea and Biscuit Company.
He's bad for me personally.
420
00:29:36,859 --> 00:29:39,569
You work for me. Renda's bad for me.
421
00:29:39,653 --> 00:29:43,698
You're now officially a patriotic citizen
of the United States ofJim Byrd.
422
00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:46,701
There's no backing out now.
We've let you in on everything.
423
00:29:46,785 --> 00:29:48,453
You don't play, you don't leave.
424
00:29:48,537 --> 00:29:52,331
You understand that?
You don't play, you don't leave.
425
00:29:56,003 --> 00:29:58,171
I like you. I do.
426
00:29:58,255 --> 00:30:02,341
And you're gonna do fine tomorrow,
and we're gonna become good friends.
427
00:30:07,973 --> 00:30:10,850
You can have a nice little career,
but you have to grow up.
428
00:30:10,934 --> 00:30:12,351
There's a war on.
429
00:30:55,312 --> 00:30:57,647
Beautiful country, isn't it?
430
00:30:57,731 --> 00:30:58,940
Yeah.
431
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:02,902
You did us proud today, Chuck.
432
00:31:04,071 --> 00:31:07,949
Renda was a bad guy. He really was.
433
00:31:16,583 --> 00:31:18,501
Chuck, is that you?
434
00:31:18,710 --> 00:31:21,671
Jesus Christ, Pen!
You scared the shit out of me.
435
00:31:21,755 --> 00:31:23,047
- Were you throwing up?
- What are you doing here?
436
00:31:23,131 --> 00:31:26,509
I've been crashing here for a while.
I've been waiting for you. Where you been?
437
00:31:26,593 --> 00:31:28,511
Mexico. I was just on a little vacation.
438
00:31:28,595 --> 00:31:30,721
You didn't drink the water, did you?
439
00:31:30,806 --> 00:31:33,015
- Yeah.
- You're not supposed to.
440
00:31:33,100 --> 00:31:34,308
That's Montessori's revenge.
441
00:31:34,393 --> 00:31:35,977
- Montezuma's.
- Right.
442
00:31:36,061 --> 00:31:39,605
You can't even open your eyes or your mouth
when you take a shower there.
443
00:31:39,690 --> 00:31:42,275
Why is our water so good,
and their water is poisoned?
444
00:31:42,359 --> 00:31:45,361
- It's in the same ocean.
- I don't know.
445
00:31:50,033 --> 00:31:51,450
I'm a hippie now.
446
00:31:53,996 --> 00:31:55,121
Wow. Great.
447
00:31:55,205 --> 00:31:56,998
I've been to San Francisco,
and it's amazing there.
448
00:31:57,082 --> 00:32:00,626
Everybody loves everybody,
and there's so many colors.
449
00:32:00,711 --> 00:32:02,461
And we're gonna change the world.
450
00:32:04,548 --> 00:32:07,008
Will you come back there
and be my old man with me?
451
00:32:08,468 --> 00:32:09,927
Well, not that old.
452
00:32:10,012 --> 00:32:11,804
Penny, I'm a little tired now, so maybe-
453
00:32:11,888 --> 00:32:14,140
Wait. Wait. I got to play you this song.
454
00:32:40,667 --> 00:32:44,045
Penny, what did you do to my wall?
455
00:32:44,963 --> 00:32:47,548
Some guy called— Gold bird.
456
00:32:47,633 --> 00:32:51,385
Gold bird. Larry Goldberg?
You're kidding me!
457
00:32:52,429 --> 00:32:55,389
Hi. This is Chuck Barris
returning for Larry Goldberg.
458
00:32:56,558 --> 00:32:58,851
- Hi, Chuck.
- Mr. Goldberg.
459
00:32:58,935 --> 00:33:00,811
I'm so sorry
I didn't get back to you right away.
460
00:33:00,896 --> 00:33:03,022
I was out of town.
I was on vacation in Mexico.
461
00:33:03,106 --> 00:33:04,398
Good for you.
462
00:33:04,483 --> 00:33:06,442
Listen, I'm sitting here
and going through things...
463
00:33:06,526 --> 00:33:08,819
and I have a hole in my daytime schedule.
464
00:33:08,904 --> 00:33:10,946
I think it might be right
for you and your baby.
465
00:33:11,031 --> 00:33:12,448
My baby, Mr. Goldberg?
466
00:33:12,532 --> 00:33:15,868
Chuck, Dating Game.
Isn't that your baby?
467
00:33:15,952 --> 00:33:18,204
- Yes, sir, it is.
- You still interested?
468
00:33:18,288 --> 00:33:19,914
Yes, sir. Very interested, sir.
469
00:33:19,998 --> 00:33:23,709
I've got six weeks to get this on the air.
Is that doable for you and your people?
470
00:33:23,794 --> 00:33:25,461
My people?
471
00:33:25,545 --> 00:33:27,963
Six weeks? Sure, yeah.
472
00:33:28,048 --> 00:33:30,841
Give me a call when you get to LA, Chuck.
473
00:33:34,262 --> 00:33:35,262
Goddamn.
474
00:33:35,347 --> 00:33:39,725
Hot dog. Fucking shit. Piss.
475
00:33:39,810 --> 00:33:41,852
Who's Larry Goldberg?
476
00:33:47,818 --> 00:33:51,570
Bachelor number one,
what would I like most about you?
477
00:33:52,781 --> 00:33:57,785
I'm very romantic,
and I'd send you flowers every day.
478
00:33:57,869 --> 00:33:59,829
That's so sweet.
479
00:33:59,913 --> 00:34:02,957
Bachelor number three,
what would I like most about you?
480
00:34:04,376 --> 00:34:06,085
My big cock.
481
00:34:14,469 --> 00:34:18,431
Bachelor number one,
what nationality are you?
482
00:34:20,016 --> 00:34:21,642
My daddy is Welsh.
483
00:34:21,727 --> 00:34:23,227
My mama's Hungarian.
484
00:34:23,311 --> 00:34:27,148
So I guess that makes me well-hung.
485
00:34:29,943 --> 00:34:34,321
Bachelor number two,
I play the trombone.
486
00:34:34,406 --> 00:34:37,616
If I blew you, what would you sound like?
487
00:34:38,660 --> 00:34:40,411
What would I sound like?
488
00:34:41,705 --> 00:34:43,164
All right.
489
00:34:59,264 --> 00:35:01,599
That's nice. Don't stop.
490
00:35:08,690 --> 00:35:10,483
Blow it, baby.
491
00:35:20,911 --> 00:35:23,913
Chuck, quite frankly,
these episodes are unairable.
492
00:35:23,997 --> 00:35:27,166
Look, Larry, the show's spontaneous.
493
00:35:27,250 --> 00:35:29,877
It's unscripted. That's its charm.
494
00:35:29,961 --> 00:35:31,712
I can't help what people say.
495
00:35:31,797 --> 00:35:36,634
Be that as it may, we can't have black men
getting blowjobs on national television!
496
00:35:36,718 --> 00:35:38,552
The point is not that he's black, Hank.
497
00:35:38,637 --> 00:35:39,970
Well, I know that.
498
00:35:40,055 --> 00:35:42,056
Chuck, that's it.
We can't air this stuff.
499
00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:44,767
If you can't retain
your spontaneity on the show...
500
00:35:44,851 --> 00:35:46,685
without this lewd conduct, it's over.
501
00:35:46,770 --> 00:35:48,771
It's finished. You're history.
502
00:35:48,855 --> 00:35:51,357
Fix this fucking thing,
or we got a problem.
503
00:35:54,945 --> 00:35:56,278
Hi, folks.
504
00:35:56,363 --> 00:35:57,822
Before we begin taping today...
505
00:35:57,906 --> 00:36:02,451
I'd like to introduce you to Mr. PeterJenks
of the Federal Communications Commission.
506
00:36:02,536 --> 00:36:03,744
Okay?
507
00:36:07,874 --> 00:36:09,250
Thank you, Mr. Barris.
508
00:36:23,807 --> 00:36:29,395
I don't know if any of you
are aware of this...
509
00:36:31,356 --> 00:36:35,943
but it's a federal offense
to make lascivious remarks...
510
00:36:36,027 --> 00:36:38,904
on a television network broadcast.
511
00:36:42,617 --> 00:36:44,285
The penalty...
512
00:36:47,455 --> 00:36:49,290
for this disgusting...
513
00:36:52,669 --> 00:36:54,753
un-American...
514
00:36:54,838 --> 00:36:57,006
behavior...
515
00:36:57,090 --> 00:37:00,134
is one year in prison...
516
00:37:00,218 --> 00:37:02,887
or a $10,000 fine...
517
00:37:02,971 --> 00:37:04,763
or both!
518
00:37:07,601 --> 00:37:09,184
Anyone...
519
00:37:09,936 --> 00:37:13,939
making a sick subversive remark tonight...
520
00:37:14,024 --> 00:37:16,066
will be arrested immediately.
521
00:37:16,151 --> 00:37:19,445
I, then, will personally escort
the offender to federal prison...
522
00:37:19,529 --> 00:37:22,364
for booking under edict number 364...
523
00:37:22,449 --> 00:37:25,868
of the Broadcasting Act of 1963.
524
00:37:25,952 --> 00:37:30,706
And it's a long drive to that prison, baby.
525
00:37:30,790 --> 00:37:32,958
Just you and me.
526
00:37:33,710 --> 00:37:35,920
No witnesses!
527
00:37:53,188 --> 00:37:56,607
Okay, have fun, everybody.
All right.
528
00:37:56,691 --> 00:37:59,568
They gave everybodyjackets
with their names on them...
529
00:37:59,653 --> 00:38:02,738
and when we got number-one ratings
on Saturday nights...
530
00:38:02,822 --> 00:38:04,448
everybody got a gold plaque.
531
00:38:04,532 --> 00:38:08,869
And so, he was a good boss
and obviously had the common touch...
532
00:38:08,954 --> 00:38:12,206
because he really knew
what people wanted to watch.
533
00:38:13,291 --> 00:38:17,252
We aired and became a big hit.
A phenomenon, really.
534
00:38:17,337 --> 00:38:18,963
Hey, baby.
535
00:38:20,090 --> 00:38:22,257
I got a story to tell you.
536
00:38:22,342 --> 00:38:24,051
- Asshole.
- I know, I know.
537
00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:27,388
- I got a little story for you.
- I'm busy.
538
00:38:27,472 --> 00:38:29,723
We're in the middle
of a bachelorette crisis out there.
539
00:38:29,808 --> 00:38:31,266
Sit down. Relax.
540
00:38:31,351 --> 00:38:35,312
Take a load off. Make yourself at home.
I just got a call from the network.
541
00:38:35,397 --> 00:38:37,064
- You want a drink?
- You got any weed?
542
00:38:37,148 --> 00:38:39,858
I wish. No, no weed.
543
00:38:39,943 --> 00:38:41,193
Then I'll have a drink.
544
00:38:42,278 --> 00:38:43,612
Bad news?
545
00:38:43,697 --> 00:38:46,073
The Tammy Grimes Show
is being pulled from Saturday night.
546
00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:48,325
Not Tammy.
547
00:38:49,369 --> 00:38:52,871
They want me to put a prime-time version
of The Dating Game on in its place.
548
00:38:54,874 --> 00:38:57,126
- That's fucking great.
- Yeah, it's great.
549
00:38:57,210 --> 00:38:58,794
But they say the daytime version
is not hot enough.
550
00:38:58,878 --> 00:39:00,713
They want me to make it
more exciting for nighttime.
551
00:39:00,797 --> 00:39:02,715
I got 48 hours.
552
00:39:05,218 --> 00:39:06,719
What have you got?
553
00:39:07,971 --> 00:39:10,639
I don't have a clue.
I got nothing. I got bupkus.
554
00:39:10,724 --> 00:39:13,809
This is a big deal, Loretta.
This could be my big break.
555
00:39:13,893 --> 00:39:15,561
I know.
556
00:39:18,815 --> 00:39:21,734
- Don't blow it.
- Thanks for the help.
557
00:39:43,923 --> 00:39:45,507
Let me ask you something, Chuck.
558
00:39:45,592 --> 00:39:48,343
Jesus. What are you doing here?
559
00:39:48,428 --> 00:39:51,805
I've been put in charge
of a fairly large wet operation...
560
00:39:51,890 --> 00:39:53,724
and I could use your help.
561
00:39:57,937 --> 00:39:59,605
Have you noticed, Jim?
I got a TV show on the air.
562
00:39:59,689 --> 00:40:01,356
I don't need to kill people for hire anymore.
563
00:40:01,441 --> 00:40:04,485
I know you don't need to, but you like to.
564
00:40:04,569 --> 00:40:05,944
Bullshit.
565
00:40:06,029 --> 00:40:09,323
Think of it as a hobby...
something you do to relax.
566
00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:13,452
You can be an assassination enthusiast,
a murder bug.
567
00:40:13,536 --> 00:40:16,455
I got important things to think about here.
I don't have time to fuck around with you.
568
00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:20,709
This is serious work we're talking
about, Chuck— serious work.
569
00:40:20,794 --> 00:40:23,170
How about I help you out
with your little show...
570
00:40:23,254 --> 00:40:24,838
you help me out with my little operation?
571
00:40:24,923 --> 00:40:26,632
Tit for tat. That's the kind of guy I am.
572
00:40:26,716 --> 00:40:29,009
Oh, yeah. You're a piece of work.
573
00:40:29,094 --> 00:40:32,137
I've seen this Dating Game of yours, Chuck,
and I do have a thought.
574
00:40:33,139 --> 00:40:35,015
What, now you're a big television producer?
575
00:40:35,100 --> 00:40:37,434
I'm John Q. Public when it comes to TV...
576
00:40:37,519 --> 00:40:40,187
and that should make my opinion
ofvalue to you.
577
00:40:40,814 --> 00:40:43,816
- All right, let's hear it, then.
- All right.
578
00:40:44,609 --> 00:40:48,695
Some couple gets sent
to some second-rate shit-can restaurant...
579
00:40:48,780 --> 00:40:50,405
setting you back 50 bucks?
580
00:40:50,490 --> 00:40:54,576
That's not too exciting a prize
for us vicarious living boobs out in TV land.
581
00:40:54,661 --> 00:40:57,079
- What's your point?
- Up the stakes, Chuck.
582
00:40:57,163 --> 00:41:02,626
Send them to some exotic locale...
Europe, Southeast Asia, for example.
583
00:41:04,087 --> 00:41:07,214
The network's not going to let me send
two unmarried kids on vacation together.
584
00:41:07,298 --> 00:41:09,299
Send them with a chaperone.
585
00:41:12,345 --> 00:41:13,804
That's...
586
00:41:18,476 --> 00:41:21,270
- That's not half bad.
- I'm telling you.
587
00:41:21,354 --> 00:41:24,106
Sometimes you could be the chaperone.
588
00:41:24,190 --> 00:41:26,483
Say we have a job for you in Austria.
589
00:41:26,568 --> 00:41:30,779
You, a successful television producer
chaperones a young couple.
590
00:41:30,864 --> 00:41:33,490
While there, you take care
of some company business.
591
00:41:33,575 --> 00:41:34,992
It's a perfect cover.
592
00:41:35,076 --> 00:41:38,328
TV producer by day, CIA operative at night.
593
00:41:38,413 --> 00:41:42,249
I got money, Jim.
I don't have to kill people for money anymore.
594
00:41:42,333 --> 00:41:44,126
Chuck, when I said you fit the profile...
595
00:41:44,210 --> 00:41:47,045
very little of that meant
you needed the money.
596
00:41:47,130 --> 00:41:49,965
You liked it with Renda.
I saw it in your eyes.
597
00:41:51,009 --> 00:41:53,343
You liked it, but you botched it.
598
00:41:56,014 --> 00:41:58,640
You could be a great warrior, Chuck.
599
00:41:58,725 --> 00:42:02,144
Bachelor number three,
if we were fixed up on a date...
600
00:42:02,228 --> 00:42:04,813
and I ignored you,
what would you do to win my affection?
601
00:42:04,898 --> 00:42:07,900
This guy's never been on a date.
Ready, four. Take four.
602
00:42:07,984 --> 00:42:12,279
Well, I'm not used to being ignored,
but I would give you your space.
603
00:42:12,363 --> 00:42:15,032
The only date this guy's had
is with his right hand.
604
00:42:17,493 --> 00:42:18,827
Ready, one. Take one.
605
00:42:21,122 --> 00:42:24,708
Bachelor number three, what if I pick you...
606
00:42:24,792 --> 00:42:27,336
God, she's going for the three.
607
00:42:27,420 --> 00:42:29,004
Ready, four. Take four.
608
00:42:29,088 --> 00:42:34,176
The only way that you could be ugly
is by what you say or do.
609
00:42:34,260 --> 00:42:36,762
I don't know. From where I'm sitting,
I think you're beautiful.
610
00:42:36,846 --> 00:42:38,138
I can't believe it.
611
00:42:38,223 --> 00:42:39,598
Bachelor number three...
612
00:42:39,682 --> 00:42:43,018
can you please tell me what a girl is like
who has never been on a date before...
613
00:42:43,102 --> 00:42:44,728
and how you can tell?
614
00:42:45,813 --> 00:42:50,484
Wel, I'll ask her what she likes to do...
615
00:42:50,568 --> 00:42:53,737
and if she doesn't know
what she likes to do...
616
00:42:53,821 --> 00:42:55,906
then I'll know she hasn't done it yet.
617
00:43:09,379 --> 00:43:11,421
Why don't you talk to her?
618
00:43:11,506 --> 00:43:12,965
You can do that.
619
00:43:13,633 --> 00:43:16,051
She's real shy.
620
00:43:16,135 --> 00:43:18,762
You have to tell her. That's yourjob.
621
00:43:18,846 --> 00:43:23,809
Tell her that that I think she's real pretty
and I want to be her boyfriend.
622
00:43:25,311 --> 00:43:29,147
I'm shy too.
You got to tell her that, Chuck.
623
00:43:29,232 --> 00:43:30,607
I used to skate when I was young.
624
00:43:30,692 --> 00:43:32,901
I told her that. She didn't even look at me.
625
00:43:32,986 --> 00:43:35,570
You got to talk to her, Chuck. It's yourjob.
626
00:43:35,655 --> 00:43:38,824
She picked me.
She didn't pick those other guys.
627
00:43:39,534 --> 00:43:41,326
You're the chaperone, Chuck.
628
00:43:45,665 --> 00:43:47,082
She called me gay.
629
00:43:47,166 --> 00:43:50,419
I'm not gay. You got to tell her that.
630
00:43:50,503 --> 00:43:52,671
You're not doing yourjob very well.
631
00:43:52,755 --> 00:43:55,674
I know it takes time
for people to get to know each other...
632
00:43:55,758 --> 00:43:58,260
but this is ridiculous.
633
00:43:58,344 --> 00:44:00,721
They thought he was-
634
00:44:01,639 --> 00:44:05,517
They sort of walked a straight line,
because they used to talk about him...
635
00:44:05,601 --> 00:44:07,936
saying, you know,
"This guy, he can turn on you."
636
00:44:08,021 --> 00:44:10,147
And I never saw that side...
637
00:44:10,231 --> 00:44:13,734
but a lot of the crew
thought he could turn on them.
638
00:44:14,485 --> 00:44:15,777
Chuck?
639
00:44:19,824 --> 00:44:23,702
Helsinki is wonderful this time of year.
640
00:44:24,370 --> 00:44:26,163
Especially the snow.
641
00:44:27,081 --> 00:44:31,793
It affords one solitude
even in a city full of people.
642
00:44:45,058 --> 00:44:47,976
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
643
00:44:49,062 --> 00:44:50,562
By you.
644
00:44:57,236 --> 00:45:00,947
Helsinki is wonderful
this time of year, isn't it?
645
00:45:01,032 --> 00:45:02,741
Yes, it is.
646
00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:12,167
I'm sorry.
647
00:45:22,387 --> 00:45:23,762
Excuse me.
648
00:45:36,317 --> 00:45:40,362
Helsinki is wonderful
this time of year, isn't it?
649
00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:42,572
Especially the snow.
650
00:45:42,657 --> 00:45:45,659
It affords one solitude
even in a city full of people.
651
00:45:45,743 --> 00:45:47,244
Hey.
652
00:45:49,622 --> 00:45:51,665
I'm Chuck.
653
00:45:52,834 --> 00:45:54,543
So I gathered.
654
00:45:54,627 --> 00:45:56,128
And you are?
655
00:45:58,131 --> 00:45:59,798
Here you are, Chuck.
656
00:46:02,301 --> 00:46:06,972
At least give me a made-up name,
something for me to cry out...
657
00:46:07,056 --> 00:46:09,933
during those dark nights of the soul.
658
00:46:13,813 --> 00:46:15,856
Cry out, "Olivia."
659
00:46:17,066 --> 00:46:19,359
That's Twelfth Night.
660
00:46:19,444 --> 00:46:21,695
Very good, Chuck.
661
00:46:21,779 --> 00:46:23,822
I'm pleasantly surprised.
662
00:46:24,740 --> 00:46:27,284
You're not like the other murderers.
663
00:46:44,343 --> 00:46:45,844
Here.
664
00:46:46,512 --> 00:46:47,846
Do you have it?
665
00:46:47,930 --> 00:46:50,807
- Do you have it?
- Sorry.
666
00:46:56,314 --> 00:46:57,731
Don't worry.
We're not going to cheat you.
667
00:46:57,815 --> 00:46:59,691
Yeah, just the same.
668
00:47:00,526 --> 00:47:02,444
Sorry about your teeth.
669
00:47:16,918 --> 00:47:24,257
Chuck?
670
00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:08,760
Olivia?
671
00:48:13,391 --> 00:48:15,517
It's Patricia, actually.
672
00:48:16,769 --> 00:48:21,064
Then I spent a year in Operation: Chaos
inside the antiwar movement...
673
00:48:21,148 --> 00:48:24,401
nudging it towards violence to discredit it.
674
00:48:24,485 --> 00:48:25,694
That was fun.
675
00:48:25,778 --> 00:48:28,321
It sounds fun. It sounds fun.
676
00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:33,618
So, tell me, Patricia,
why did you come up here tonight?
677
00:48:36,372 --> 00:48:38,123
I don't know.
678
00:48:38,958 --> 00:48:43,086
You're kind of cute
in a homely sort of way, and-
679
00:48:45,464 --> 00:48:47,591
It's lonely when
the civilian you're fucking...
680
00:48:47,675 --> 00:48:50,302
calls out the name on your fake passport.
681
00:48:50,386 --> 00:48:55,640
All the information I have about myself
is from forged documents.
682
00:48:58,352 --> 00:48:59,811
Nabokov.
683
00:49:32,845 --> 00:49:34,095
Wait, wait.
684
00:49:34,180 --> 00:49:37,265
I got to go into the bathroom
and take care of something.
685
00:49:39,018 --> 00:49:41,102
Leave the microfilm in, baby.
686
00:49:50,029 --> 00:49:51,029
Chuck!
687
00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:58,453
Do you know when my episode is going to air?
688
00:49:58,537 --> 00:50:02,248
Okay. See you, Chuck. Bye.
689
00:50:02,333 --> 00:50:04,125
- Chuck, this is Simon Oliver.
- Hey.
690
00:50:04,210 --> 00:50:06,878
Everything go okay? You don't look too good.
691
00:50:06,962 --> 00:50:10,298
Mr. Barris, do not ever again
jeopardize one of my missions...
692
00:50:10,383 --> 00:50:13,134
by having a game show contestant
standing around as a witness.
693
00:50:13,219 --> 00:50:15,136
- Is that understood?
- You're welcome, pal.
694
00:50:15,221 --> 00:50:18,515
- Do I make myself clear?
- Fuck you. They're my contestants.
695
00:50:18,599 --> 00:50:20,350
You are a bloody amateur.
696
00:50:20,434 --> 00:50:22,060
- You're a faggot.
- Chuck.
697
00:50:23,062 --> 00:50:25,897
Tell me, Mr. Barris.
Are you in possession of my microfilm?
698
00:50:25,981 --> 00:50:28,024
- Yeah, I got it.
- Let's have it.
699
00:50:28,109 --> 00:50:30,860
It's up my ass, Oliver. Why don't you get it?
700
00:50:30,945 --> 00:50:32,696
What is this shit?
701
00:50:32,780 --> 00:50:36,491
I deserve a little appreciation
for my efforts here, Jim.
702
00:50:36,575 --> 00:50:39,327
What do you think Patricia Watson was?
703
00:50:44,667 --> 00:50:46,418
Prick.
704
00:50:47,044 --> 00:50:48,461
Really? Okay.
705
00:50:48,546 --> 00:50:50,547
He said he dated none of them. That's right.
706
00:50:54,719 --> 00:50:57,220
- Sandra?
- Six of them.
707
00:50:57,304 --> 00:50:58,847
Six of them.
708
00:50:58,931 --> 00:51:01,015
Well, if it isn't the hit man.
709
00:51:01,100 --> 00:51:04,728
- What?
- The hit man.
710
00:51:04,812 --> 00:51:07,021
Surprise!
711
00:51:09,442 --> 00:51:12,360
ABC's going to pick up The Newlywed Game!
Daytime and prime time!
712
00:51:12,445 --> 00:51:13,737
You're kidding me! Oh, my God!
713
00:51:13,821 --> 00:51:16,948
That's sensational. You mean it? Fantastic!
714
00:51:19,160 --> 00:51:21,202
Here's the last
of our five-point questions.
715
00:51:21,287 --> 00:51:25,457
Girls, tell me where, specifically,
is the weirdest place...
716
00:51:25,541 --> 00:51:30,462
that you personally, girls,
have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee.
717
00:51:31,172 --> 00:51:34,257
The weirdest place. Olga?
718
00:51:40,306 --> 00:51:41,931
Yes, Olga?
719
00:51:43,309 --> 00:51:45,059
In the ass?
720
00:51:47,146 --> 00:51:49,731
No, no. No, the...
721
00:51:49,815 --> 00:51:50,982
It's still there.
722
00:51:51,066 --> 00:51:54,402
What I'm talking about is
the weirdest location, the weirdest place.
723
00:51:54,487 --> 00:51:55,904
The weirdest location.
724
00:51:55,988 --> 00:51:57,739
I don't know.
725
00:52:06,123 --> 00:52:07,624
Olga.
726
00:52:08,959 --> 00:52:11,127
Olga, the weirdest...
The location or place.
727
00:52:11,212 --> 00:52:12,378
You know what I mean?
728
00:53:03,931 --> 00:53:05,390
I liked Penny.
729
00:53:05,474 --> 00:53:07,976
I even loved her, in my way.
730
00:53:08,060 --> 00:53:12,564
But the idea of tying myself down
for the rest of my life...
731
00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:17,193
I remember my parents' marriage.
732
00:53:17,278 --> 00:53:19,070
We need a new icebox.
733
00:53:46,765 --> 00:53:49,017
The Newlywed Game
was based on my theory...
734
00:53:49,101 --> 00:53:52,270
that almost any American
would sell out their spouse...
735
00:53:52,354 --> 00:53:56,024
for a washer, dryer
or a lawn moweryou can ride on.
736
00:53:56,108 --> 00:54:00,486
Such was my respect
for that most holy of unions.
737
00:54:01,780 --> 00:54:04,282
- "Interpet."
- Interpret.
738
00:54:05,659 --> 00:54:09,120
- Do you have an extra "R" I can borrow?
- I'm not going to give you a letter.
739
00:54:09,204 --> 00:54:11,205
You're lucky I don't make you forfeit a turn.
740
00:54:11,290 --> 00:54:12,999
Okay.
741
00:54:13,500 --> 00:54:15,001
You look cute today, Pen.
742
00:54:15,085 --> 00:54:18,463
I always look cute. Don't distract me.
743
00:54:21,717 --> 00:54:25,428
- What was I going to say?
- I don't know. What were you going to say?
744
00:54:30,559 --> 00:54:33,311
I think we should get married...
745
00:54:33,395 --> 00:54:38,066
because we've known each other forever
and we've fucked each other forever.
746
00:54:38,150 --> 00:54:41,861
And you think I'm cute, you just said.
747
00:54:41,946 --> 00:54:44,530
And you always come to me
when you're in trouble...
748
00:54:44,615 --> 00:54:46,991
and I'm nothing like your mother...
749
00:54:47,076 --> 00:54:49,035
What does that mean? What is that?
750
00:54:51,205 --> 00:54:52,914
I'm just kidding.
751
00:54:54,083 --> 00:54:56,167
Don't ask me to marry you again, okay?
752
00:55:02,341 --> 00:55:04,425
I couldn't breathe.
753
00:55:04,510 --> 00:55:06,469
I was drowning.
754
00:55:06,553 --> 00:55:09,931
And what the fuck did my mother
have to do with it?
755
00:55:10,015 --> 00:55:12,266
So I made a call.
756
00:55:33,831 --> 00:55:36,040
Over here, strawberry dick.
757
00:55:44,216 --> 00:55:45,633
How do you know those things?
758
00:55:45,718 --> 00:55:48,136
We know what she actually
thought it tasted like.
759
00:55:48,220 --> 00:55:50,138
Really? I could never find that out.
760
00:55:50,222 --> 00:55:53,349
That's on a need-to-know basis,
my friend.
761
00:55:53,434 --> 00:55:55,268
What can I do for you?
762
00:55:55,352 --> 00:55:57,270
I really need something, Jim.
763
00:55:57,354 --> 00:55:59,313
I need something for my head.
764
00:56:03,944 --> 00:56:05,737
I got something for your head.
765
00:56:08,907 --> 00:56:14,829
And you're going on your date
to fabulous West Berlin, Germany.
766
00:56:37,770 --> 00:56:39,812
The name's Hans Colbert.
767
00:56:39,897 --> 00:56:41,856
Other side of the wall.
768
00:56:41,940 --> 00:56:43,983
We don't like him very much.
769
00:56:45,277 --> 00:56:48,613
You'll be working with a kraut named Keeler.
He's been tailing Colbert for a month.
770
00:56:48,697 --> 00:56:49,864
Knows the routine.
771
00:56:49,948 --> 00:56:53,785
Keeler's a drunk,
so stay sober and take charge.
772
00:56:54,620 --> 00:56:56,746
It's done and done.
773
00:56:59,458 --> 00:57:01,292
Kill for me, baby.
774
00:58:33,719 --> 00:58:35,761
What are you writing, Sieg?
775
00:58:39,766 --> 00:58:44,896
Just keeping track of anything
that happens in the Clara-Zetkin-Strasse.
776
00:59:09,296 --> 00:59:10,755
That's him.
777
00:59:13,091 --> 00:59:15,259
Too many people.
778
00:59:39,451 --> 00:59:42,203
Chuck. Chuck.
779
00:59:42,287 --> 00:59:44,205
- All right.
- Take the camera.
780
00:59:45,415 --> 00:59:47,250
What is this?
781
00:59:49,628 --> 00:59:50,753
What the—
782
00:59:56,969 --> 00:59:59,470
- Take a picture.
- Take a what?
783
00:59:59,554 --> 01:00:00,763
Take a picture.
784
01:00:02,808 --> 01:00:05,476
Picture. Come on.
785
01:00:05,560 --> 01:00:07,270
Take a picture.
786
01:01:33,398 --> 01:01:36,734
He would disappear
for a week or so at a time...
787
01:01:36,818 --> 01:01:38,736
and his secretary would
just say he's out of town.
788
01:01:38,820 --> 01:01:40,738
We didn't know where he went, so-
789
01:01:40,822 --> 01:01:43,240
I don't know whether it's true or not.
790
01:01:43,325 --> 01:01:45,076
I couldn't say.
791
01:02:03,762 --> 01:02:06,347
The only reason the KGB didn't kill me...
792
01:02:06,431 --> 01:02:10,935
was they needed me
to trade for one of their Russian agents.
793
01:02:23,657 --> 01:02:28,702
I promised myself if I got out of this,
I'd live my life differently.
794
01:02:28,787 --> 01:02:32,873
I'd throw myself into work, into life.
795
01:02:32,958 --> 01:02:34,542
Penny.
796
01:02:34,626 --> 01:02:37,169
I needed to see Penny again.
797
01:02:37,838 --> 01:02:40,798
And tell Byrd I'm out for good.
798
01:02:43,135 --> 01:02:46,762
If I could just make it past
this one last man—
799
01:02:46,847 --> 01:02:50,599
this one last...
800
01:03:08,493 --> 01:03:10,911
I don't know what was worse...
801
01:03:10,996 --> 01:03:15,416
that I was duped
by that fat fucking bachelor...
802
01:03:15,500 --> 01:03:19,128
or that it took seven of us to replace him.
803
01:03:26,511 --> 01:03:30,055
- You're still in one piece?
- Where the fuck you been?
804
01:03:30,140 --> 01:03:32,766
- Did you have a nice flight?
- Fuck you! Where you been?
805
01:03:32,851 --> 01:03:36,061
I got one contact, Jim, and it's you,
and if you disappear, I got no one.
806
01:03:36,146 --> 01:03:37,480
You understand?
807
01:04:10,180 --> 01:04:12,973
If I had a hammer
808
01:04:13,058 --> 01:04:15,851
I'd a-hammer in the morning
809
01:04:15,936 --> 01:04:18,020
I'd a-hammer in the evening
810
01:04:18,104 --> 01:04:21,690
- She's good, huh?
- She's very good. Very good.
811
01:04:21,775 --> 01:04:23,150
That's great.
812
01:04:23,235 --> 01:04:24,652
That's fine. Thank you so much.
813
01:04:24,736 --> 01:04:26,445
But I can sing the whole song.
814
01:04:26,530 --> 01:04:27,863
That was wonderful. Great.
815
01:04:27,948 --> 01:04:29,698
That was enough. That was fine.
816
01:04:29,783 --> 01:04:32,618
- All right. Bring in the next thing.
- That was lovely. Thank you.
817
01:04:32,702 --> 01:04:35,204
Christ, there's gotta be somebody
in America with some talent.
818
01:04:35,288 --> 01:04:37,581
- Hello.
- Good morning.
819
01:04:38,750 --> 01:04:41,627
I saw her in a little club in Westwood.
820
01:04:41,711 --> 01:04:43,420
You're gonna love her.
821
01:04:47,717 --> 01:04:50,553
If I had a hammer
822
01:04:50,637 --> 01:04:53,931
I'd hammer in the morning
823
01:04:54,015 --> 01:04:57,226
I'd hammer in the evening
824
01:04:57,310 --> 01:05:00,354
All over this land
825
01:05:00,438 --> 01:05:04,024
I'd hammer out danger
826
01:05:04,109 --> 01:05:07,027
I'd hammer out a warning
827
01:05:07,112 --> 01:05:10,489
I'd hammer out love between
828
01:05:10,574 --> 01:05:13,033
My brothers and my sisters
829
01:05:13,118 --> 01:05:26,714
All over this land
830
01:05:27,632 --> 01:05:28,882
If I were a—
831
01:05:28,967 --> 01:05:32,469
- No, thank you.
- That's great. Fantastic!
832
01:05:34,973 --> 01:05:37,558
That was great. We'll be in touch.
833
01:05:37,642 --> 01:05:38,892
Thank you. Thank you.
834
01:05:38,977 --> 01:05:40,894
We've been going about this all wrong.
835
01:05:40,979 --> 01:05:43,063
Rather than killing ourselves
trying to find good acts...
836
01:05:43,148 --> 01:05:45,065
we just put bad ones and kill them.
837
01:05:45,150 --> 01:05:48,068
Chuck, honestly, this—
and I know you like them— this is torture.
838
01:05:48,153 --> 01:05:50,487
No, no. We kill 'em before they're through.
839
01:05:50,572 --> 01:05:54,074
As soon as it gets unbearable,
we kill 'em dead!
840
01:05:57,245 --> 01:05:59,913
Ladies and gentlemen, this act-
841
01:05:59,998 --> 01:06:03,167
This is so good! I love this, man.
842
01:06:03,251 --> 01:06:06,837
This next act answers the age-old question:
843
01:06:07,756 --> 01:06:10,549
If you wear a cellophane... If you-
844
01:06:12,135 --> 01:06:16,972
Okay. If you wear a cellophane suit...
845
01:06:17,057 --> 01:06:20,517
can people clearly see you're nuts?
846
01:06:20,602 --> 01:06:23,520
I don't know. A little humor, folks.
847
01:06:23,605 --> 01:06:26,148
All the way from Pacoima...
848
01:06:26,232 --> 01:06:28,233
Mick Donnelly!
849
01:06:32,697 --> 01:06:36,200
Raindrops keep falling on my head
850
01:06:36,284 --> 01:06:40,954
Just like the guy
whose feet are too big for his bed
851
01:06:41,039 --> 01:06:43,624
Nothin' seems to fit, those
852
01:06:43,708 --> 01:06:45,626
Raindrops are fallin' on my head
853
01:06:45,710 --> 01:06:47,878
They keep fallin'
854
01:06:47,962 --> 01:06:52,549
So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
855
01:06:52,634 --> 01:06:57,137
And I said I didn't like
the way he got things done
856
01:06:57,222 --> 01:07:00,307
Sleepin' on the job, those...
857
01:07:00,392 --> 01:07:02,976
Who could have known
there were so many Americans...
858
01:07:03,061 --> 01:07:06,063
just waiting for
the opportunity to get on TV...
859
01:07:06,147 --> 01:07:09,024
and make an ass out of themselves?
860
01:07:09,109 --> 01:07:10,693
Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
861
01:07:10,777 --> 01:07:15,656
But that doesn't mean my eyes
will soon be turnin' red
862
01:07:15,740 --> 01:07:17,991
Cryin's not for me, 'cause
863
01:07:18,076 --> 01:07:22,162
I'm never gonna stop
the rain by complainin'
864
01:07:22,247 --> 01:07:23,914
Because I'm—
865
01:07:26,584 --> 01:07:31,171
We'll be back with more stuff...
866
01:07:31,256 --> 01:07:33,340
right after this message.
867
01:07:36,845 --> 01:07:38,887
You know what the sad part about it is...
868
01:07:38,972 --> 01:07:42,391
Barris has a reputation
for lowering the bar of television...
869
01:07:42,475 --> 01:07:44,351
and the standards and all...
870
01:07:44,436 --> 01:07:46,687
but he had a great feel
for what people wanted...
871
01:07:46,771 --> 01:07:48,939
and he couldn't take the criticism.
872
01:07:49,023 --> 01:07:52,568
Things started
to evolve pretty quickly.
873
01:07:52,652 --> 01:07:54,945
The show was gaining momentum...
874
01:07:55,029 --> 01:08:00,534
and I was becoming the one thing
I didn't expect... famous.
875
01:08:00,618 --> 01:08:03,203
- You're Chuck Barris, right?
- Yeah.
876
01:08:03,288 --> 01:08:05,122
The Gong Show. I love that show.
877
01:08:05,206 --> 01:08:06,749
Thanks.
878
01:09:07,018 --> 01:09:09,770
Hi.
879
01:09:09,854 --> 01:09:11,688
I thought that was you.
880
01:09:11,773 --> 01:09:15,400
Yeah. It's me.
881
01:09:17,779 --> 01:09:21,198
Well, I'm glad to meet you.
I've seen The Gong Show.
882
01:09:21,282 --> 01:09:23,200
Yeah, well-
883
01:09:24,494 --> 01:09:28,497
I think you're the most insidious,
despicable force in entertainment today.
884
01:09:30,875 --> 01:09:35,921
How dare you subject the rest of the world
to your loathsome views of humanity.
885
01:09:36,005 --> 01:09:37,840
Yeah, I don't think it's that loathsome.
886
01:09:37,924 --> 01:09:39,842
What is it, then?
887
01:09:39,926 --> 01:09:41,510
To mock some poor lonely people...
888
01:09:41,594 --> 01:09:45,556
who are just craving a little attention
in their lives to destroy them?
889
01:09:46,349 --> 01:09:48,475
They're still people.
890
01:09:48,560 --> 01:09:51,478
They still deserve
a little respect and compassion.
891
01:09:53,398 --> 01:09:54,940
Who the hell are you...
892
01:09:55,024 --> 01:09:59,570
and what the fuck have you ever done
to elevate yourself among the pathetic masses?
893
01:10:01,114 --> 01:10:03,949
Oh, that's right.
You created The Dating Game.
894
01:10:04,033 --> 01:10:05,409
Wow.
895
01:10:06,995 --> 01:10:09,621
That's right up there with the Sistine Chapel.
896
01:10:14,919 --> 01:10:18,589
Ladies and gentlemen,
it wouldn't surprise me to see this next act-
897
01:10:21,467 --> 01:10:23,218
That means...
898
01:10:23,303 --> 01:10:27,931
it's Gene Gene, the Dancing Machine...
899
01:10:28,016 --> 01:10:31,101
and just in time!
900
01:10:54,042 --> 01:10:57,669
He represents more
than just the decline of quality television.
901
01:10:57,754 --> 01:11:01,548
In my opinion, Chuck Barris
will do more harm to our society...
902
01:11:01,633 --> 01:11:03,300
than people seem to realize.
903
01:11:03,384 --> 01:11:05,093
Line one's for you, Chuck.
904
01:11:05,178 --> 01:11:06,887
- Who is it?
- Some guy.
905
01:11:06,971 --> 01:11:09,932
He says he's a friend of yours from Berlin.
906
01:11:24,614 --> 01:11:25,697
Hello.
907
01:11:25,782 --> 01:11:27,574
Very gutsy, my neighbor.
908
01:11:27,659 --> 01:11:30,744
I guess you heard about Oliver.
909
01:11:30,828 --> 01:11:32,579
Someone changed sides.
910
01:11:34,499 --> 01:11:35,791
What was so urgent?
911
01:11:40,338 --> 01:11:42,381
I was wondering,
you wanna grab a bite?
912
01:11:42,465 --> 01:11:44,091
I'm in town for a day.
913
01:11:44,175 --> 01:11:46,593
Now, assassins don't fraternize.
914
01:11:46,678 --> 01:11:50,472
That Keeler was calling me
could mean it was my turn to get hit.
915
01:11:51,891 --> 01:11:54,851
I would take him somewhere
where I knew I would be safe.
916
01:11:56,854 --> 01:11:58,438
How's show biz?
917
01:11:58,523 --> 01:12:00,273
Well, it's hit-and-miss.
918
01:12:00,358 --> 01:12:03,193
I got a new show called
Operation: Entertainment...
919
01:12:03,277 --> 01:12:05,696
which I believe is really, really gonna kill.
920
01:12:05,780 --> 01:12:10,075
It's sort of a Bob Hope
visiting the troops thing, but it's weekly.
921
01:12:10,159 --> 01:12:12,244
Instead of Bob Hope, it's like Flip Wilson.
922
01:12:13,037 --> 01:12:14,538
Chuck.
923
01:12:14,622 --> 01:12:17,207
Why do you do what you do?
924
01:12:18,543 --> 01:12:24,589
I like to think that I bring
joy and laughter to millions of people.
925
01:12:24,674 --> 01:12:28,051
It's a very important thing, I think,
in these difficult times.
926
01:12:28,136 --> 01:12:32,305
I'm not saying the show is
as good as it can be yet, but-
927
01:12:32,390 --> 01:12:34,057
No, no.
928
01:12:34,142 --> 01:12:37,477
Why do we do what we do?
929
01:12:41,357 --> 01:12:42,482
Come on.
930
01:12:42,567 --> 01:12:45,986
I got my feet wet in World War II.
931
01:12:46,070 --> 01:12:47,696
Germany.
932
01:12:49,115 --> 01:12:53,243
The pleasure of killing was exhilarating.
933
01:12:53,327 --> 01:12:59,750
Later in life,
I couldn't find a place to fill that void...
934
01:13:00,334 --> 01:13:03,670
to get that same rush of energy.
935
01:13:03,755 --> 01:13:06,089
So I started up my own business.
936
01:13:06,174 --> 01:13:08,925
Gentlemen, are you ready to order?
937
01:13:09,594 --> 01:13:11,928
I'll have a green salad, no dressing.
938
01:13:12,013 --> 01:13:13,513
And for you, sir?
939
01:13:13,598 --> 01:13:15,557
Can I get a steak? Rare.
940
01:13:15,641 --> 01:13:16,975
Thank you.
941
01:13:19,479 --> 01:13:21,772
Let me read you something.
942
01:13:22,899 --> 01:13:28,236
"Whatsoever your hand finds to do,
do it gladly...
943
01:13:28,321 --> 01:13:32,240
because there is no work, love, knowledge...
944
01:13:32,325 --> 01:13:34,367
or wisdom in the grave."
945
01:13:34,452 --> 01:13:36,578
Who is that, Carlyle?
946
01:13:36,662 --> 01:13:40,957
No, it's the Old Testament.
947
01:13:42,710 --> 01:13:44,127
It's God.
948
01:13:44,212 --> 01:13:47,964
It's amazing you should quote him.
He's my hero.
949
01:13:52,303 --> 01:13:56,139
Killing my first man...
950
01:13:57,892 --> 01:14:01,269
was like making love to my first woman.
951
01:14:02,772 --> 01:14:07,109
I remember every little detail-
952
01:14:07,193 --> 01:14:09,778
the smell of his hair...
953
01:14:09,862 --> 01:14:12,364
ice on the window...
954
01:14:12,448 --> 01:14:14,449
wallpaper.
955
01:14:16,035 --> 01:14:19,538
It's like entering a different time zone.
956
01:14:19,622 --> 01:14:22,707
You're becoming an outsider...
957
01:14:22,792 --> 01:14:25,210
isolating yourself.
958
01:14:25,294 --> 01:14:27,963
You're condemned.
959
01:14:29,006 --> 01:14:30,298
Condemned?
960
01:14:30,383 --> 01:14:33,385
You have become...
961
01:14:33,469 --> 01:14:37,639
their sadness...
962
01:14:37,723 --> 01:14:40,058
and live in a different state of mind.
963
01:14:44,689 --> 01:14:49,317
Ladies and gentlemen,
the host of The Gong Show...
964
01:14:50,820 --> 01:14:52,028
Chuck Barris.
965
01:14:52,113 --> 01:14:54,447
It's good to see you, Sieg.
966
01:14:54,532 --> 01:14:57,200
Yeah. It'll be all right.
967
01:14:58,995 --> 01:15:00,287
It'll be all right.
968
01:15:00,371 --> 01:15:01,955
Happy birthday
969
01:15:02,039 --> 01:15:03,331
I think.
970
01:15:03,416 --> 01:15:05,167
To you
971
01:15:05,251 --> 01:15:07,627
Happy birthday
972
01:15:07,712 --> 01:15:10,630
Dear Chuckie
973
01:15:10,715 --> 01:15:13,133
Happy birthday
974
01:15:13,217 --> 01:15:15,385
To you
975
01:15:21,934 --> 01:15:23,643
Is that right?
976
01:15:23,728 --> 01:15:27,272
Yeah. That's real good.
977
01:15:27,356 --> 01:15:29,065
That's real good.
978
01:15:29,150 --> 01:15:31,610
So what's wrong, Chuck?
979
01:15:31,861 --> 01:15:33,904
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
980
01:15:35,740 --> 01:15:39,409
A guy I know killed himself last night.
981
01:15:49,420 --> 01:15:51,546
A guy I know killed himself.
982
01:15:58,804 --> 01:16:01,556
- Who was he?
- You don't know him.
983
01:16:01,641 --> 01:16:04,392
He's a stagehand.
984
01:16:06,437 --> 01:16:07,979
Why did he do it?
985
01:16:10,775 --> 01:16:13,360
He didn't like his work anymore.
986
01:16:13,444 --> 01:16:15,528
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
987
01:16:15,613 --> 01:16:18,156
Is being a stagehand really, really bad?
988
01:16:18,241 --> 01:16:20,283
Yeah, it's pretty bad.
989
01:16:35,633 --> 01:16:36,841
Hello?
990
01:16:37,635 --> 01:16:40,178
You were supposed to meet me
at the Palm two hours ago.
991
01:16:40,263 --> 01:16:42,389
- Fuck, I forgot.
- You forgot. Really?
992
01:16:42,473 --> 01:16:45,225
- Keeler's dead. Did you know?
- Yeah, I heard.
993
01:16:45,309 --> 01:16:48,061
- What did you hear?
- I heard he took himself out.
994
01:16:48,145 --> 01:16:49,980
Is that right? Did Byrd tell you that?
995
01:16:50,064 --> 01:16:52,732
He said he was depressed.
I was gonna tell you, but— Hey!
996
01:16:52,817 --> 01:16:54,025
Who is this?
997
01:16:54,110 --> 01:16:56,820
- I don't get stood up. Do you understand?
- Fun! Excuse me.
998
01:16:59,782 --> 01:17:02,909
So glad— Penny. Patricia.
How'd you find me?
999
01:17:02,994 --> 01:17:05,745
Are you serious?
This is what I do for a living.
1000
01:17:05,830 --> 01:17:09,165
- What does she mean?
- You're dead in my book, strawberry dick.
1001
01:17:09,250 --> 01:17:12,294
- Strawberry dick? What's that?
- I'll see you around.
1002
01:17:12,378 --> 01:17:15,130
Nice to meet you, Penny.
I've heard a lot about you.
1003
01:17:15,923 --> 01:17:19,050
Why don't you stay for a cocktail?
1004
01:17:19,135 --> 01:17:20,302
Penny-
1005
01:17:20,386 --> 01:17:23,847
And, you know, man-
1006
01:17:23,931 --> 01:17:27,684
I'm giving you one more chance. Get it?
1007
01:17:29,353 --> 01:17:30,520
Fuck.
1008
01:17:31,939 --> 01:17:33,315
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
1009
01:17:39,363 --> 01:17:44,534
Wise men say
1010
01:17:46,829 --> 01:17:52,876
Only fools rush in
1011
01:17:55,379 --> 01:18:01,426
But I can't help
1012
01:18:01,510 --> 01:18:05,305
Falling in love
1013
01:18:05,389 --> 01:18:09,559
With you
1014
01:18:11,896 --> 01:18:17,233
Take my hand
1015
01:18:19,153 --> 01:18:24,949
Take my whole life too
1016
01:18:27,745 --> 01:18:33,750
For I can't help
1017
01:18:33,834 --> 01:18:38,004
Falling in love
1018
01:18:38,089 --> 01:18:43,551
With you
1019
01:18:43,636 --> 01:18:49,849
For I can't help
1020
01:18:49,934 --> 01:18:54,687
Falling in love
1021
01:18:54,772 --> 01:18:58,525
With
1022
01:18:58,609 --> 01:19:01,277
You
1023
01:19:05,324 --> 01:19:06,783
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
1024
01:19:10,830 --> 01:19:12,330
Line one for you, Chuck.
1025
01:19:13,916 --> 01:19:15,125
Thanks.
1026
01:19:16,127 --> 01:19:17,335
Yeah?
1027
01:19:17,420 --> 01:19:19,003
Keeler didn't kill himself.
1028
01:19:19,088 --> 01:19:21,047
He was murdered. Watch your back.
1029
01:19:24,176 --> 01:19:26,386
You can come in now, Mr. Flexner.
1030
01:19:26,470 --> 01:19:27,387
Chuck!
1031
01:19:28,931 --> 01:19:31,474
- Great to see ya.
- What's up, Rod?
1032
01:19:34,687 --> 01:19:37,689
Well— Chuck, may I sit?
1033
01:19:37,773 --> 01:19:39,399
Hey, how's that redhead?
1034
01:19:39,483 --> 01:19:42,318
She's good, you know. Keeps...
1035
01:19:43,070 --> 01:19:45,989
Well, Chuck, the thing is, we have to talk.
1036
01:19:46,490 --> 01:19:47,740
What's up, Rod?
1037
01:19:47,825 --> 01:19:50,201
Well, the thing is...
1038
01:19:51,662 --> 01:19:55,248
some of your old shows aren't doing so well
in the old ratings war.
1039
01:19:57,418 --> 01:20:01,463
So I've been put
in the unfortunate position...
1040
01:20:01,547 --> 01:20:06,926
of having to inform you
that the network is canceling these shows.
1041
01:20:10,014 --> 01:20:11,890
Now, don't shoot me, Chuck.
1042
01:20:13,142 --> 01:20:15,226
I'm just the messenger.
1043
01:20:31,327 --> 01:20:34,496
This really is the hardest part
of the job for me.
1044
01:20:36,081 --> 01:20:37,707
They killed my babies...
1045
01:20:37,791 --> 01:20:38,958
just like that.
1046
01:20:39,043 --> 01:20:44,214
I pushed them into the world
through the birth canal of my imagination...
1047
01:20:44,298 --> 01:20:47,133
Iovingly, tenderly.
1048
01:20:47,218 --> 01:20:49,552
Where's the humanity of these people?
1049
01:20:51,180 --> 01:20:53,765
- Fuck 'em.
- Fuck 'em.
1050
01:20:53,849 --> 01:20:55,767
They're fucking bastards anyway.
1051
01:20:56,685 --> 01:20:58,561
Yeah. What am I gonna do now?
1052
01:21:00,689 --> 01:21:02,649
Oh, baby.
1053
01:21:02,733 --> 01:21:06,277
Oh, yeah. Feels so good.
1054
01:21:27,883 --> 01:21:29,259
Chuck?
1055
01:21:34,014 --> 01:21:35,932
- Chuck?
- Fuck! Fuck!
1056
01:21:36,809 --> 01:21:38,476
Penny, fuck!
1057
01:21:55,160 --> 01:21:57,495
I came here to tell you I sold a painting.
1058
01:21:57,580 --> 01:21:59,497
That's great.
1059
01:22:02,459 --> 01:22:03,960
What's she doing here?
1060
01:22:04,044 --> 01:22:05,795
She's...
1061
01:22:07,631 --> 01:22:09,716
This is our house.
1062
01:22:10,968 --> 01:22:14,804
It's one thing to go elsewhere
for your pussy needs.
1063
01:22:15,639 --> 01:22:18,224
But this is our house.
1064
01:22:18,309 --> 01:22:19,892
It's my house, Pen.
1065
01:22:19,977 --> 01:22:21,477
It's our house.
1066
01:22:23,856 --> 01:22:26,733
I found it with you. I decorated it with you.
1067
01:22:26,817 --> 01:22:32,071
I spent six fucking months waiting
for the fucking plumber to fucking come.
1068
01:22:37,911 --> 01:22:39,829
I'm sorry.
1069
01:22:42,333 --> 01:22:44,584
You're such an asshole.
1070
01:23:29,088 --> 01:23:32,215
No, I'm not saying that.
That's not what I'm saying.
1071
01:23:32,299 --> 01:23:34,217
Then what are you saying, Chuck?
1072
01:23:36,845 --> 01:23:39,806
Do you want me around or not?
1073
01:23:39,890 --> 01:23:42,225
Do you even like me?
1074
01:23:42,309 --> 01:23:44,227
Of course I like you.
1075
01:23:44,311 --> 01:23:45,728
Penny-
1076
01:23:45,813 --> 01:23:48,398
- How much?
- What?
1077
01:23:48,482 --> 01:23:51,943
I need to know how much you like me.
1078
01:23:52,903 --> 01:23:56,239
I don't know what that means.
How much?
1079
01:23:56,323 --> 01:23:58,741
How can I rate a person in that way?
1080
01:23:58,826 --> 01:24:01,285
You could if you felt it.
1081
01:24:01,370 --> 01:24:03,413
If you felt it, it would be easy.
1082
01:24:03,497 --> 01:24:05,248
You would just...
1083
01:24:06,750 --> 01:24:10,336
spread your arms as wide as they would go...
1084
01:24:10,421 --> 01:24:12,922
and say, "This much, Penny."
1085
01:24:22,766 --> 01:24:24,350
Everything—
1086
01:24:24,435 --> 01:24:26,644
Everything's complicated, Pen.
1087
01:24:26,729 --> 01:24:29,814
Nothing's black and white like that.
1088
01:24:36,447 --> 01:24:38,281
Do you want me around or not?
1089
01:24:38,365 --> 01:24:41,743
Because if you don't, it's okay. Just tell me.
1090
01:24:41,827 --> 01:24:43,286
Hey, hey.
1091
01:24:46,457 --> 01:24:50,293
I love you, Penny, in my way.
1092
01:24:56,633 --> 01:25:00,553
Maybe not in that crazy
head-over-heels thing...
1093
01:25:00,637 --> 01:25:02,930
but what is that anyway?
1094
01:25:03,682 --> 01:25:05,349
Romantic love-
1095
01:25:05,934 --> 01:25:08,811
isn't that just an illusion?
1096
01:25:12,232 --> 01:25:15,318
You just said you loved me, right?
1097
01:25:59,822 --> 01:26:02,490
- Hi, Chuck.
- Hey, Jim, what do you want?
1098
01:26:02,574 --> 01:26:04,659
- How's work?
- Great.
1099
01:26:04,743 --> 01:26:06,327
Any new game show ideas?
1100
01:26:06,411 --> 01:26:09,038
Dozens. Why are you here, Jim?
1101
01:26:09,957 --> 01:26:12,667
We need you to find the mole and take him out.
1102
01:26:17,047 --> 01:26:18,464
Yeah.
1103
01:26:21,927 --> 01:26:24,178
Yeah. I'm done killing people.
1104
01:26:24,263 --> 01:26:26,681
I just want to entertain people.
1105
01:26:26,765 --> 01:26:28,391
I'm out.
1106
01:26:29,643 --> 01:26:31,561
No, you're not.
1107
01:26:36,233 --> 01:26:38,192
Hey, I got an idea.
1108
01:26:38,277 --> 01:26:42,697
If you want him so bad,
why don't you do it?
1109
01:26:42,781 --> 01:26:44,699
Why don't you kill the mole?
1110
01:26:44,783 --> 01:26:47,034
You have a problem with killing, Jim?
1111
01:26:48,537 --> 01:26:50,580
I just don't fit the profile.
1112
01:26:51,331 --> 01:26:54,083
What fucking profile?
There is no fucking profile.
1113
01:26:54,167 --> 01:26:55,293
Okay. There's no profile.
1114
01:26:55,377 --> 01:26:58,045
- There's no profile.
- Okay.
1115
01:27:01,425 --> 01:27:05,678
You had a twin sister, stillborn,
strangled by your umbilical cord.
1116
01:27:05,762 --> 01:27:08,264
Your first hit.
1117
01:27:08,348 --> 01:27:10,182
Your mother always wanted a daughter.
1118
01:27:10,267 --> 01:27:12,226
She blamed you for your sister's death...
1119
01:27:12,311 --> 01:27:16,397
so until your sister Phoebe was born,
she raised you as a girl.
1120
01:27:16,481 --> 01:27:17,857
What else?
1121
01:27:17,941 --> 01:27:20,568
Your father, the dentist.
1122
01:27:21,320 --> 01:27:23,279
Not really your father.
1123
01:27:24,072 --> 01:27:27,700
Your real father was a man
named Edmond James Windsor.
1124
01:27:28,577 --> 01:27:31,746
Among other things, he was a serial killer,
a fact your mother didn't know...
1125
01:27:31,830 --> 01:27:34,707
when she had an affair with him in 1928.
1126
01:27:34,791 --> 01:27:37,043
- That's ridiculous.
- Is it?
1127
01:27:37,127 --> 01:27:38,711
That's insane.
1128
01:27:38,795 --> 01:27:42,048
Windsor died in the electric chair in 1939.
1129
01:27:43,675 --> 01:27:46,218
I'm trying to think of
what more I can tell you...
1130
01:27:46,303 --> 01:27:48,262
but you have me at a bit
of a disadvantage, Chuck.
1131
01:27:48,347 --> 01:27:50,681
I don't have your files in front of me.
1132
01:27:59,316 --> 01:28:00,900
Come on, Jim.
1133
01:28:06,823 --> 01:28:08,324
I'm out.
1134
01:28:15,749 --> 01:28:18,918
As long as the mole's alive,
you're a dead man.
1135
01:28:19,586 --> 01:28:21,796
How do I know it's not you?
1136
01:28:22,547 --> 01:28:25,007
You're a fairly bright guy, Chuck.
1137
01:28:26,593 --> 01:28:28,594
You'll figure it out.
1138
01:30:34,638 --> 01:30:37,139
- Hey, Chuck. I-
- Take it off.
1139
01:30:37,224 --> 01:30:39,433
Who are you?
What's your name? What's your name?
1140
01:30:50,904 --> 01:30:52,404
Yeah.
1141
01:30:52,489 --> 01:30:55,658
That's the way it goes on TV.
1142
01:30:55,742 --> 01:30:59,245
Get off the stage. Get off the stage.
Go back to Scotland!
1143
01:30:59,329 --> 01:31:03,040
Get yourself a Guinness and some Lucky Charms.
1144
01:31:03,125 --> 01:31:04,041
All right.
1145
01:31:04,876 --> 01:31:08,796
Ladies and gentlemen,
the prince of puns...
1146
01:31:08,880 --> 01:31:11,924
the wizard of whoopee!
1147
01:31:12,551 --> 01:31:14,885
The Unknown Comic!
1148
01:31:14,970 --> 01:31:16,887
Hey, Chuckie, baby!
1149
01:31:16,972 --> 01:31:19,056
Hey, Chuckie, baby, I got a joke for you.
1150
01:31:19,141 --> 01:31:20,558
- Ajoke.
- What?
1151
01:31:20,642 --> 01:31:22,726
What's the difference between toilet paper
and a shower curtain?
1152
01:31:22,811 --> 01:31:25,146
- I don't know. What?
- Here's the guy!
1153
01:31:25,230 --> 01:31:28,274
- Get off the stage.
- No, it's my turn, Chuckie.
1154
01:31:28,358 --> 01:31:31,318
- Get off the stage.
- You're fucking crazy, man.
1155
01:31:31,403 --> 01:31:33,362
Get the fuck out of here.
1156
01:31:33,446 --> 01:31:38,200
Ladies and gentlemen,
our next act—
1157
01:31:40,036 --> 01:31:41,579
First came...
1158
01:31:44,291 --> 01:31:48,002
to us... all the way...
1159
01:31:52,048 --> 01:31:55,843
Lord. Crazy on coast-to-coast.
1160
01:31:58,013 --> 01:31:59,430
Come on.
1161
01:32:03,518 --> 01:32:05,728
You like the way Mommy looks?
1162
01:32:05,812 --> 01:32:07,354
Yes.
1163
01:32:07,439 --> 01:32:09,857
I bet you'd like to be a mommy someday,
wouldn't you?
1164
01:32:11,234 --> 01:32:12,443
Come here, you.
1165
01:32:20,577 --> 01:32:22,286
Sorry about your teeth.
1166
01:32:32,255 --> 01:32:39,845
Happy birthday to you
1167
01:32:39,930 --> 01:32:44,141
Happy birthday, dear Chuckie
1168
01:32:44,226 --> 01:32:46,727
Happy birthday to...
1169
01:32:58,865 --> 01:33:02,076
Come on. Take me away now.
1170
01:33:02,786 --> 01:33:04,578
Take me away.
1171
01:33:05,455 --> 01:33:07,498
What are you waitin' for?
1172
01:33:07,582 --> 01:33:10,209
Come on. Come on.
1173
01:33:10,293 --> 01:33:12,586
Come on.
1174
01:33:14,547 --> 01:33:17,716
I see you. I know who you are.
1175
01:33:17,801 --> 01:33:19,301
What are you looking at?
1176
01:34:42,886 --> 01:34:44,720
Dear Penny...
1177
01:34:44,804 --> 01:34:49,391
this isjust a note to say that I'm sorry...
1178
01:34:49,476 --> 01:34:51,894
for all of it.
1179
01:34:51,978 --> 01:34:54,855
You were the best part of my life...
1180
01:34:54,939 --> 01:34:57,691
and I couldn't see it.
1181
01:34:57,776 --> 01:35:00,110
I'm not asking for another chance...
1182
01:35:01,571 --> 01:35:03,906
just for your forgiveness.
1183
01:35:05,492 --> 01:35:07,117
Love, Chuck.
1184
01:35:26,763 --> 01:35:28,680
Well...
1185
01:35:28,765 --> 01:35:31,100
Iook who comes out of hiding.
1186
01:35:32,477 --> 01:35:34,395
I started thinking, Trish,
you're the only woman...
1187
01:35:34,479 --> 01:35:37,523
in the world who really knows me.
1188
01:35:37,607 --> 01:35:42,903
I know I screwed you over in the past,
and I'm sorry.
1189
01:35:47,117 --> 01:35:49,118
I just want you to know that...
1190
01:35:53,289 --> 01:35:55,457
I hate myself for how...
1191
01:35:56,334 --> 01:35:59,962
Goddamn, I hate myself for how I lived, Trish.
1192
01:36:01,214 --> 01:36:07,052
Nietzsche says whoever despises oneself
still respects oneself as one who despises.
1193
01:36:08,638 --> 01:36:10,556
Shit, I never thought of that.
1194
01:36:10,640 --> 01:36:13,851
I can't even despise myself with any insight.
1195
01:36:14,686 --> 01:36:18,981
The insane asylums are filled with people
who think they're Jesus or Satan.
1196
01:36:19,065 --> 01:36:21,984
Very few have delusions of being...
1197
01:36:22,068 --> 01:36:25,863
a guy down the block who works
for an insurance company.
1198
01:36:28,283 --> 01:36:29,992
All right.
1199
01:36:31,661 --> 01:36:34,288
What is this stuff?
1200
01:36:34,372 --> 01:36:36,206
I wanted to be a writer once.
1201
01:36:36,291 --> 01:36:40,711
I wanted to write something that someday
some lesser person would quote...
1202
01:36:40,795 --> 01:36:42,254
but I never did.
1203
01:36:42,338 --> 01:36:45,007
I'm the lesser person, Trish.
1204
01:36:46,009 --> 01:36:49,136
I never said anything meaningful
that wasn't said by somebody else first.
1205
01:36:49,679 --> 01:36:52,723
I am disposable.
1206
01:36:53,558 --> 01:36:56,018
I disposed of people, and I'm disposable.
1207
01:36:59,856 --> 01:37:03,984
I've been thinking about you
a lot lately, Chuck.
1208
01:37:04,068 --> 01:37:05,611
Yeah?
1209
01:37:07,113 --> 01:37:08,989
I've missed you.
1210
01:37:09,073 --> 01:37:11,241
You could have fooled me.
1211
01:37:11,326 --> 01:37:13,202
Well, I've mellowed.
1212
01:37:15,288 --> 01:37:16,914
Boston is a beautiful city.
1213
01:37:16,998 --> 01:37:21,543
We could start over here,
normal life together.
1214
01:37:21,628 --> 01:37:23,921
Sell insurance.
1215
01:37:26,174 --> 01:37:29,218
Yeah! That sounds good. That sounds right.
1216
01:37:32,347 --> 01:37:33,680
Look at that.
1217
01:37:34,807 --> 01:37:36,892
I could learn to love that skyline.
1218
01:37:38,603 --> 01:37:41,230
Did you see I got your picture framed?
1219
01:37:41,314 --> 01:37:42,731
Yeah? Where?
1220
01:37:42,815 --> 01:37:45,734
- Look.
- Hot dog!
1221
01:37:48,279 --> 01:37:53,075
To life.
1222
01:38:04,295 --> 01:38:07,422
You devil. Isn't that sweet?
1223
01:38:11,928 --> 01:38:15,097
Hey, what about splitting
our time in New York?
1224
01:38:17,684 --> 01:38:21,270
Fuck. I just bit— It's just a-
1225
01:38:38,288 --> 01:38:40,038
No, that's too quick.
1226
01:38:40,123 --> 01:38:43,375
You're supposed to get to
the bathroom and throw up first.
1227
01:38:44,127 --> 01:38:46,628
God, Chuck, you should have
seen Oliver's face.
1228
01:38:46,713 --> 01:38:50,382
It was just— Well, if I do say so myself.
1229
01:38:50,466 --> 01:38:52,884
I got a nice snapshot of it, actually.
1230
01:38:54,345 --> 01:38:55,804
Keeler was easy.
1231
01:38:55,888 --> 01:38:59,474
Traveled halfway around
the world for a night with me.
1232
01:39:03,479 --> 01:39:06,857
Okay. Let's see.
1233
01:39:06,941 --> 01:39:10,819
Chuck, you've put on weight.
1234
01:39:12,822 --> 01:39:14,323
Come on.
1235
01:39:15,074 --> 01:39:16,658
I nearly blew it with Byrd.
1236
01:39:17,869 --> 01:39:20,370
Never farm out a job
that you should do yourself.
1237
01:39:20,455 --> 01:39:24,333
Do you want a laugh?
He thought you were the mole.
1238
01:39:25,001 --> 01:39:27,753
He was going to kill you. What an idiot.
1239
01:39:29,213 --> 01:39:32,674
"I'm not at all the person
you and I took me for."
1240
01:39:33,635 --> 01:39:36,970
Sounds like an epitaph.
Your handwriting, too.
1241
01:39:37,055 --> 01:39:39,514
You see, Chuck, I save everything.
1242
01:39:39,599 --> 01:39:41,600
All of your lovely notes.
1243
01:39:44,479 --> 01:39:46,355
You know what?
1244
01:39:48,358 --> 01:39:50,025
I like Carlyle best too.
1245
01:39:50,109 --> 01:39:52,069
I really do. Yeah.
1246
01:39:52,153 --> 01:39:54,404
Say hi to the boys when you see 'em.
1247
01:41:01,431 --> 01:41:02,848
To life.
1248
01:42:00,615 --> 01:42:04,034
My name is Charles Hirsch Barris.
1249
01:42:04,118 --> 01:42:06,328
I have written pop songs.
1250
01:42:07,330 --> 01:42:10,040
I have been a television producer.
1251
01:42:10,124 --> 01:42:13,543
I am responsible for polluting the airwaves...
1252
01:42:13,628 --> 01:42:17,923
with mind-numbing, puerile entertainment.
1253
01:42:18,007 --> 01:42:22,552
In addition, I have murdered 33 human beings.
1254
01:42:44,909 --> 01:42:46,576
We have come here today...
1255
01:42:46,661 --> 01:42:52,415
to join Penny Pacino and Chuck Barris
in holy matrimony.
1256
01:42:52,500 --> 01:42:54,876
You all know Chuck Barris...
1257
01:42:54,961 --> 01:42:58,672
creator of
The Dating Game, The Newlywed Game...
1258
01:42:58,756 --> 01:43:02,467
The Family Game,
The Game Game...
1259
01:43:02,552 --> 01:43:05,011
Dream Girl of 1968...
1260
01:43:05,096 --> 01:43:07,347
Operation: Entertainment...
1261
01:43:07,431 --> 01:43:11,643
How's Your Mother-in-law
and many others.
1262
01:43:11,727 --> 01:43:14,980
Chuck Barris, who most recently
brought us such hits...
1263
01:43:15,064 --> 01:43:16,690
as The Rah-Rah Show...
1264
01:43:16,774 --> 01:43:20,360
The $1.98 Beauty Show...
1265
01:43:20,444 --> 01:43:22,737
The Gong Show.
1266
01:43:24,532 --> 01:43:28,451
Chuck Barris,
who I'm sure will be back soon...
1267
01:43:28,536 --> 01:43:33,540
with even more shows
that will stimulate and educate...
1268
01:43:33,624 --> 01:43:36,626
and keep us on the edge of our seats.
1269
01:44:08,743 --> 01:44:10,452
All right, all right!
1270
01:44:11,329 --> 01:44:12,621
Congratulations!
1271
01:44:12,705 --> 01:44:13,705
Hey!
1272
01:44:13,789 --> 01:44:15,707
Thanks, thanks.
1273
01:44:15,791 --> 01:44:17,000
Thanks.
1274
01:44:40,983 --> 01:44:42,484
Danny, drive now!
1275
01:44:45,863 --> 01:44:46,905
Bye!
1276
01:44:46,989 --> 01:44:50,909
Penny, there's something I gotta confess,
something I gotta tell ya.
1277
01:44:52,161 --> 01:44:54,746
Listen to me, Penny.
You've known me for a long time-
1278
01:44:54,830 --> 01:44:59,250
As the host of The Dating Game,
The Gong Show, Rah-Rah Show—
1279
01:44:59,335 --> 01:45:01,252
Yeah, yeah. Listen, listen.
1280
01:45:01,337 --> 01:45:04,839
I work for the CIA.
1281
01:45:04,924 --> 01:45:07,842
Do you understand?
And I kill people.
1282
01:45:09,261 --> 01:45:11,513
I killed a lot of people.
1283
01:45:11,597 --> 01:45:13,974
You understand?
1284
01:45:15,017 --> 01:45:16,768
I killed a lot of people.
1285
01:45:45,339 --> 01:45:49,134
I came up with
a new game show idea recently.
1286
01:45:49,218 --> 01:45:51,386
It's called The Old Game.
1287
01:45:52,263 --> 01:45:56,725
You got three old guys
with loaded guns on stage.
1288
01:45:57,268 --> 01:46:00,395
They look back at their lives...
1289
01:46:00,479 --> 01:46:05,191
see who they were,
what they accomplished...
1290
01:46:05,276 --> 01:46:08,945
how close they came
to realizing their dreams.
1291
01:46:12,783 --> 01:46:14,409
The winner...
1292
01:46:15,036 --> 01:46:17,829
is the one who doesn't blow his brains out.
1293
01:46:19,582 --> 01:46:21,750
He gets a refrigerator.
91052
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