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1
00:00:04,037 --> 00:00:06,171
(all laughing)
2
00:00:06,206 --> 00:00:07,372
Oh, hello.
3
00:00:07,407 --> 00:00:09,207
I'm having a small
dinner party.
4
00:00:09,242 --> 00:00:11,877
I've made spaghetti with
marble-sized meatballs.
5
00:00:11,912 --> 00:00:13,278
Whenever you
throw a dinner party
6
00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:15,647
it's important to keep a few
simple things in mind.
7
00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:18,550
Keep the conversation light,
the music low,
8
00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:21,386
and always assume
someone is going to die.
9
00:00:21,421 --> 00:00:22,788
(man)
Oh, my God-- Stuart's choking!
10
00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:24,790
Oops.
(chuckling)
11
00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:26,525
What a great opportunity for me
12
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:29,795
to make a quick yet important
point about hospitality.
13
00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:32,164
You see, when you
invite guests into your home,
14
00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:34,699
not only are you responsible
for their good time,
15
00:00:34,734 --> 00:00:37,102
but also for them
leaving alive.
16
00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:39,371
He's turning blue!
17
00:00:39,406 --> 00:00:40,773
I'll be right back.
18
00:00:42,342 --> 00:00:45,677
(Amy grunting)
19
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:47,913
-What are you doing?
-Oh, well, he's talking,
20
00:00:47,948 --> 00:00:49,848
which means
his airway is clear.
21
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,883
I'm not Stuart!
22
00:00:51,918 --> 00:00:53,819
Oh, an honest mistake.
23
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:56,655
Tonight-- Hospital-tality,
24
00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:59,391
on a very special
"At Home With Amy Sedaris".
25
00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:02,527
(crunch)
Mm!
26
00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:06,498
?
27
00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:22,114
Oh, hello. Welcome to
"At Home With Amy Sedaris".
28
00:01:22,149 --> 00:01:25,383
This show is about hospitality--
the act of welcoming guests
29
00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:28,153
into your home so you don't
have to go to theirs.
30
00:01:28,188 --> 00:01:29,621
Now, most guests are short-term
31
00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:31,857
and leave once
the liquor runs out.
32
00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:34,126
But there's another kind
of guest, and that is
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00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:37,762
the kind of guest we're focusing
on tonight-- the sickly.
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00:01:37,797 --> 00:01:40,732
I'm going to show you how to
take care of an unwell guest,
35
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,367
how to set up a sick room,
36
00:01:42,402 --> 00:01:45,036
prepare nutritious
food and entertain.
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00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:47,139
Later in the show I'll be
putting all my words
38
00:01:47,174 --> 00:01:50,442
into talking action by
caring for an actual ill-ard.
39
00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:53,578
First we're going to start by
preparing nature's antibiotic,
40
00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:55,380
chicken soup!
41
00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:58,150
To help me make it I've invited
from Captain Bligh Elementary,
42
00:01:58,185 --> 00:01:59,918
my former grade school nurse,
43
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:03,755
please welcome back to the show
Alice Brittlecrunch!
44
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:06,992
-Hello again, Amy!
-Alice, it's such a pleasure
45
00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:08,493
to have you here.
46
00:02:08,528 --> 00:02:10,295
Let's make soup!
47
00:02:10,330 --> 00:02:12,164
First thing we're going to do
is create a rich broth
48
00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:14,166
by boiling a chicken carcass.
49
00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:16,067
Now, you know, Alice,
I don't know how I ended up
50
00:02:16,102 --> 00:02:18,069
with a successful
homemaking show.
51
00:02:18,104 --> 00:02:20,405
Lord knows I probably spent
more time in your office
52
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:21,873
than I did in home ec.
53
00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:23,708
Oh, I did see a lot of you.
54
00:02:23,743 --> 00:02:26,745
Uh, speaking of which,
did you ever recover
55
00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:29,047
from those
mysterious bouts of...
56
00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:30,649
(whispering)
vaginal bleeding?
57
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:32,984
-What?
-I'll never forget how you
58
00:02:33,019 --> 00:02:34,819
used to come into my office
regularly--
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00:02:34,854 --> 00:02:38,523
stomach cramps,
trouble downtown.
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00:02:38,558 --> 00:02:40,025
We'd staunch the flow,
61
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:42,928
every time I thought
we'd found a remedy,
62
00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:44,930
but you'd be back
about a month later,
63
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:47,566
exact same issue,
like clockwork.
64
00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:50,101
-Okay, well, I'm fine now.
-I'm glad to hear it.
65
00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:52,637
Okay, well, why don't we
chop our vegetables?
66
00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:54,072
Now, Alice,
you're a nurse, tell me,
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00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:55,473
what kind of items are good
to have around
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00:02:55,508 --> 00:02:58,877
when you're caring for
sick people in your home?
69
00:02:58,912 --> 00:03:01,913
Ginger ale, saltines.
70
00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:04,583
An alibi if things go south.
71
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:06,351
-Not that I've ever needed one.
- Yeah, of course not.
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00:03:06,386 --> 00:03:09,554
Usually it just came down
to their word against mine.
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00:03:09,589 --> 00:03:11,756
Okay. Let's finish
chopping our vegetables
74
00:03:11,791 --> 00:03:14,292
so we can add them
to the broth.
75
00:03:14,327 --> 00:03:17,229
Ow! Oh, no! I cut my finger!
76
00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:18,897
Oh, let me take a look
at that.
77
00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:20,565
I don't think this is
serious enough
78
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:21,900
to keep you
from doing your show.
79
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,568
Alice, I didn't say that.
80
00:03:23,603 --> 00:03:27,072
I know how you people are
always looking for an excuse
81
00:03:27,107 --> 00:03:29,474
to get out of doing what
you're supposed to.
82
00:03:29,509 --> 00:03:31,943
Well, not on
my watch, little Miss.
83
00:03:31,978 --> 00:03:33,878
There you go.
84
00:03:33,913 --> 00:03:36,781
Keep the pressure on,
hold it above your heart.
85
00:03:36,816 --> 00:03:38,283
(sighing)
86
00:03:38,318 --> 00:03:41,286
Doesn't this feel
like the old days?
87
00:03:41,321 --> 00:03:43,822
You'd wander into my office
and I'd patch you up
88
00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:45,957
and send you back to class.
89
00:03:45,992 --> 00:03:47,359
By the way,
90
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:50,328
are you still seein'
that Brian Dunsworth
91
00:03:50,363 --> 00:03:51,963
"Get Your Fun's Worth"
the Dunsworth?
92
00:03:51,998 --> 00:03:53,632
Alice,
that was the sixth grade.
93
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:56,835
I really thought you two
were going to make it.
94
00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,470
I heard you went to
second base.
95
00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:00,939
Okay.
Alice Brittlecrunch, everyone!
96
00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:02,841
(applause)
97
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:05,310
-French kissing leads to mono.
-Okay.
98
00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:08,413
Alice, thank you
so much, I feel better.
99
00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:11,650
Now, let's prepare
that sick room.
100
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:15,620
?
101
00:04:15,655 --> 00:04:17,322
As you can see, I've created
102
00:04:17,357 --> 00:04:19,758
a warm, safe environment
for my guest--
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00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:22,961
comfortable bedding, a side
table with tissues, water,
104
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:24,963
and various medications.
105
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:28,099
I think we're ready, so now I'd
like to welcome my sick guest
106
00:04:28,134 --> 00:04:30,769
and friend of the show,
Chassie Tucker!
107
00:04:32,572 --> 00:04:34,205
(coughing)
108
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:37,375
Chassie, oh, my gosh, why don't
you tell us what ails you?
109
00:04:37,410 --> 00:04:42,714
Oh, um, God,
just chills and fevers and um,
110
00:04:42,749 --> 00:04:46,117
itchy lungs, dizzy stomach.
111
00:04:46,152 --> 00:04:50,221
Chassie, I was told you were
seriously ill and you seem fine.
112
00:04:50,256 --> 00:04:52,357
(sighing)
I'm not going to spend
113
00:04:52,392 --> 00:04:56,194
my valuable time during my
special show on hospital-tality
114
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:59,664
feeding and bathing someone
who isn't even sick!
115
00:04:59,699 --> 00:05:01,199
I've never done this before
116
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:03,134
but I'm going to
have to ask you to leave.
117
00:05:03,169 --> 00:05:04,769
Uh, uh...
118
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,237
-I'm blind.
-What?
119
00:05:06,272 --> 00:05:08,440
Yes. I'm temporarily blind.
120
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,041
Oh, my goodness--
what are you talking about?
121
00:05:10,076 --> 00:05:11,309
Who's there?
122
00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:12,577
It's me, Amy.
123
00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:14,012
Where am I?
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00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,880
You're in my living room.
125
00:05:15,915 --> 00:05:17,382
-Amy...
-Yeah, Chassie, tell me,
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00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:19,150
what's happening,
what's wrong?
127
00:05:19,185 --> 00:05:22,887
Well, I was
volunteering at an...
128
00:05:22,922 --> 00:05:26,791
animal shelter and I was
so worried that the w-wild cats
129
00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:28,960
would scratch out my eyes
130
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:34,566
that I hid out with the dogs
where I caught a canine virus
131
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:38,370
and it spread from my chest
up to my eye sockets
132
00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:41,206
and then in a-- oh,
in a horrible, ironic turn,
133
00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:43,441
my eyes, themselves.
134
00:05:43,476 --> 00:05:45,944
Oh, maybe you should be
in hospital.
135
00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:47,579
What? Uh...
136
00:05:47,614 --> 00:05:49,948
No, no, no, I just need to
137
00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:52,117
stay off my eyes
for a few days.
138
00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:53,651
-I think you should stay.
-Okay.
139
00:05:53,686 --> 00:05:56,855
Here, let me get a robe on you
so you won't catch a chill.
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00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:58,923
There you go.
141
00:05:58,958 --> 00:06:01,159
Don't go anywhere, hold on.
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00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:03,661
All right,
let's get you in there.
143
00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:06,631
All right? Okay.
There you go.
144
00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:10,735
All right, when's eats?
Also, I'm gonna need the remote.
145
00:06:10,770 --> 00:06:12,871
Chassie, I thought
you couldn't see.
146
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:14,906
Oh, uh, well, yeah,
but I just want to
147
00:06:14,941 --> 00:06:17,275
give my eyes
something to aspire to.
148
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:20,278
Okay, look, before we do
anything, as your caregiver,
149
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,147
I need to ask you
a few questions.
150
00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:24,082
Can't we just watch TV...
151
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:25,617
with our ears?
152
00:06:25,652 --> 00:06:27,986
Lookit, I'm doing a show about
taking care of sick people,
153
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:31,289
and by gum, we're gonna
do things by the book, okay.
154
00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:33,425
How often do you use alcohol
and tobacco?
155
00:06:33,460 --> 00:06:36,528
Would you say socially,
moderately, or heavily?
156
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:39,130
Oh, that's a tough one,
I guess I would say
157
00:06:39,165 --> 00:06:40,999
moderately heavy
when socializing,
158
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:43,635
heavily moderate when
not socializing,
159
00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:47,105
and heavily continuous
all other times?
160
00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:50,041
Okay, and have you lost
any work due to your illness?
161
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:52,043
I'm planning on it--
look, are we done?
162
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,945
Lookit,
I'm just trying to help.
163
00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:56,014
I appreciate it, Amy,
but the only way
164
00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:57,549
I'm going to get
my eyesight back
165
00:06:57,584 --> 00:07:01,152
is if I exercise my eye muscles,
so if you don't mind,
166
00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:03,555
I'm going to work
them out right now.
167
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,690
(click, TV playing)
Ah! We're not watching TV,
168
00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:08,059
we're recuperating.
(chuckling)
169
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:11,596
When we return, we'll continue
to look after our guest.
170
00:07:11,631 --> 00:07:13,598
Also, I'll take you
through the perfect
171
00:07:13,633 --> 00:07:16,067
hospital-tality craft.
172
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:17,702
(click, TV playing, Amy sighs)
173
00:07:22,141 --> 00:07:24,809
I've prepared my sick room,
I've made my guest comfortable
174
00:07:24,844 --> 00:07:26,244
and I'm holding all the items
I need to make
175
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:27,846
an appropriate craft.
176
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:30,915
Now all that's left is to wait
and see if our guest recovers.
177
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:34,119
(Chassie laughing)
Sounds like she's coming along.
178
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:38,890
Chassie,
what are you doing?
179
00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:41,059
Why are you laughing when you're
supposed to be healing?
180
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:44,128
Well, after all, isn't laughter
the best medicine?
181
00:07:44,163 --> 00:07:46,764
No, Chassie, if it were,
clowns would be doctors.
182
00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:48,132
Is that the sound of
two D batteries
183
00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:49,601
being removed from a remote?
184
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,536
Yes,
yes, it is, Chassie.
185
00:07:51,571 --> 00:07:53,338
You can't take away the TV,
it's my only friend.
186
00:07:53,373 --> 00:07:55,173
I-I-I don't want
to be alone, Amy.
187
00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:59,444
Don't worry, Chassie, I'm taking
care of the situation.
188
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:02,013
? Beads and things
and glitter and strings ?
189
00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:04,149
? Glue and sew
and buttons and bows ?
190
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,786
Today we'll be making a simple
craft that the sick can use
191
00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:11,689
to alert their caregiver
if they need anything.
192
00:08:11,724 --> 00:08:13,057
You mean, like screaming?
193
00:08:13,092 --> 00:08:14,559
I mean tea bell.
(bell dings)
194
00:08:14,594 --> 00:08:16,494
Now you'll never be alone.
195
00:08:16,529 --> 00:08:19,197
For this craft you will need
a small can with a tight lid,
196
00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:23,301
small change, a few teeth,
and some contact paper.
197
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,537
First, you're gonna
cover the can in paper.
198
00:08:25,572 --> 00:08:27,872
I'm gonna use white and then
we'll make a cross
199
00:08:27,907 --> 00:08:29,240
using two band-aids.
200
00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:30,675
Can I have the remote back?
201
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:34,178
Your TV privileges
have been revoked, Chassie,
202
00:08:34,213 --> 00:08:35,713
would you please hand me
those scissors?
203
00:08:35,748 --> 00:08:37,982
They're right there,
to the left.
204
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:39,817
Chassie, you aren't even
trying-- counter-clockwise.
205
00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:43,555
It's the only thing left
on the table-- I'll get it.
206
00:08:43,590 --> 00:08:45,757
Okay... (groans)
Now, what we're gonna do
207
00:08:45,792 --> 00:08:48,693
is we're cut the paper
down like so.
208
00:08:48,728 --> 00:08:50,662
Chassie, you're going
to peel off the edges.
209
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,430
My assistant,
Britney, has already
210
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:55,600
peeled down the edges for you
to make it easy on me.
211
00:08:55,635 --> 00:08:57,168
We're going to cover the can,
212
00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:59,137
if you can get
a close-up on that.
213
00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:01,906
This is why contact paper's good
and not construction paper.
214
00:09:01,941 --> 00:09:04,475
You're going to take
an unused band-aid,
215
00:09:04,510 --> 00:09:05,977
and this is where
the fun part is,
216
00:09:06,012 --> 00:09:09,247
you're going to form
the sign of a cross, like so,
217
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:10,615
and you want to save these tabs
218
00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:13,251
to make paper
fingernails for children.
219
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:16,020
You're going to put a quarter
or a tooth or a button inside--
220
00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:18,323
anything that's going to
make a loud noise--
221
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:19,991
I'm going to use a quarter.
(coin clatters in can)
222
00:09:20,026 --> 00:09:21,326
And then when you need
that quarter for laundry,
223
00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:22,660
you'll know, here it is.
224
00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:24,562
Put the lid on it
and you're gonna seal it.
225
00:09:24,597 --> 00:09:26,497
(tapping)
226
00:09:26,532 --> 00:09:27,899
And here you go, Chassie.
227
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:31,936
(quarter clattering)
Yes, Chassie?
228
00:09:31,971 --> 00:09:33,404
I would like
the remote back, please.
229
00:09:33,439 --> 00:09:34,906
Absolutely not.
230
00:09:34,941 --> 00:09:36,341
Another way you can do it
is you can add...
231
00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:38,543
(clattering)
232
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,612
-Give me that.
-Oh!
233
00:09:40,647 --> 00:09:42,747
Another way you can
help the ill heal
234
00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:44,749
is surround them with love,
235
00:09:44,784 --> 00:09:48,686
so I took it upon myself
to invite Chassie's family.
236
00:09:48,721 --> 00:09:50,021
-Wait-- what?
-That's right.
237
00:09:50,056 --> 00:09:51,823
No, no, no, no,
I don't want them here.
238
00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:54,559
Chassie, you should sit back
and relax because it's too late.
239
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:57,095
Please welcome
Chassie Tucker's family--
240
00:09:57,130 --> 00:10:00,131
mother Terry Tucker,
her sisters Tammy and Taffney
241
00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:01,799
and Granny Tucker.
242
00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:04,335
I'm gonna step out to give you
a little bit of privacy.
243
00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:06,471
(mama)
Oh...
244
00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:10,174
Chassie, my baby,
mama's here.
245
00:10:10,209 --> 00:10:13,211
We were just on a family outing
to Tweetsie's Railroad
246
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:15,279
when we found out you were ill.
247
00:10:15,314 --> 00:10:18,149
And when I heard that
my little girl was sick,
248
00:10:18,184 --> 00:10:20,852
it just made me
sick to my stomach.
249
00:10:20,887 --> 00:10:22,120
Of course, the corn dog
and the tilt-a-whirl
250
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:24,823
might've contributed.
(laughing)
251
00:10:31,230 --> 00:10:34,932
But the point is, I'm glad
to be here, and you got nothing
252
00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:37,869
to worry about because we're all
here to take care of you.
253
00:10:37,904 --> 00:10:41,839
Mama, she can't understand you,
she's got "dem" eyes.
254
00:10:41,874 --> 00:10:43,341
(snapping)
255
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,943
I can hear you
just fine, mama!
256
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:47,378
Oh, okay, well guess what?
257
00:10:47,413 --> 00:10:49,648
We brought you
an apple funnel cake.
258
00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:56,087
What happened to the rest of
the goddamn funnel cake!?
259
00:10:56,122 --> 00:10:58,623
There's no way to know.
260
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:02,493
Mom, just-- come on, give her
the paper and let's go.
261
00:11:02,528 --> 00:11:04,595
Well, look at you,
all fancifying,
262
00:11:04,630 --> 00:11:06,998
just layin'
in the lap of luxury,
263
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:09,934
with your wall posters and...
264
00:11:09,969 --> 00:11:12,770
steps that go both ways,
265
00:11:12,805 --> 00:11:15,740
and the tassels hangin' off
of them curtain rows.
266
00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:17,675
Yeah, and she had
a mailbox out there, mama,
267
00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:20,378
she can actually get mail in it.
268
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:23,514
Granny, what do you think
about Chassie's good fortune?
269
00:11:23,549 --> 00:11:26,051
(tapping)
270
00:11:29,956 --> 00:11:31,589
All right, calm down, granny.
271
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:34,058
Cut the hump out of your back
and stuff it down your throat.
272
00:11:34,093 --> 00:11:36,761
Mama, the dog's gone out.
Can we move this along?
273
00:11:36,796 --> 00:11:39,197
Would you just shut it
and pipe the goddamn down
274
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:40,498
and let me handle this!
(dog barking)
275
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,166
Will you do that, Taffney?
Will you?
276
00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:44,535
-I'm just sayin'.
-I don't give a sweet
277
00:11:44,570 --> 00:11:47,105
rat's hairy behind
who says what to whom
278
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,773
for what reason where
or why.
279
00:11:48,808 --> 00:11:51,275
Just shut your chalk hole!
280
00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:57,148
Baby,
how are you doing, huh?
281
00:11:57,183 --> 00:11:58,983
I'm doing fine, mama.
282
00:11:59,018 --> 00:12:01,686
You know, honey, one of
the reasons we're here
283
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:05,957
is to make sure that
your financials are safe.
284
00:12:05,992 --> 00:12:08,593
And in order for us
to protect them right,
285
00:12:08,628 --> 00:12:11,229
we all felt that it would be
best for you to sign over
286
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:15,066
anything you have of value
to us, your family.
287
00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:18,536
And that way we can make sure
they're good and taken care of.
288
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:21,973
Huh? Remember our lawyer Pudge?
289
00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:23,675
Pudge!
(dog barking)
290
00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:28,379
Nice to see you again,
Miss Chassie, and I would like
291
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:31,215
to say, even with your...
292
00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:34,252
condition, you're still
as lovely as a pie bear.
293
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:36,220
Would you just get on
with it?
294
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:38,956
I was talkin' over your
295
00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:42,593
grave situation with your
family at Tweetsie's Railroad,
296
00:12:42,628 --> 00:12:45,730
and we all agreed what
would be best.
297
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:50,201
So I drew up some
papers for you to sign
298
00:12:50,236 --> 00:12:52,937
while we were on the chairlift
to Miners Mountain.
299
00:12:52,972 --> 00:12:55,006
All you have to do is sign 'em,
and what you don't have to do
300
00:12:55,041 --> 00:12:57,608
is not worry about
your possessions no more.
301
00:12:57,643 --> 00:13:00,912
Mama, she can't sign
no papers, she's blind.
302
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:04,315
Yeah, but you can put the pen
between her toes
303
00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:05,950
and just let her
sign that way, okay?
304
00:13:05,985 --> 00:13:09,353
Okay.
305
00:13:09,388 --> 00:13:12,423
I ain't signing nothing, mama!
306
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:15,092
I haven't even
seen you for 15 years!
307
00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:18,429
Darn it, you can't
goddamn see me now.
308
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:20,097
You don't care about me.
309
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:23,367
You've never believed in me,
that's why I ran away,
310
00:13:23,402 --> 00:13:28,739
and made something of myself,
unlike you, mama.
311
00:13:28,774 --> 00:13:31,709
You are a goddamn tramp!
312
00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:33,811
We came all the way from a theme
park to watch you die
313
00:13:33,846 --> 00:13:35,680
and this is the thanks we get.
314
00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:38,149
Yeah, big TV star--
you can't even hand out
315
00:13:38,184 --> 00:13:41,185
some scraps to your family?
316
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:43,487
We have an all afternoon pass
and at least 45 minutes
317
00:13:43,522 --> 00:13:45,623
of daylight left and all
I wanted to do was tend
318
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:48,526
to my sick daughter
and then bury her remains.
319
00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:50,261
Just get outta here!
320
00:13:50,296 --> 00:13:52,763
I don't want ya here and ya
ain't getting nothing of mine,
321
00:13:52,798 --> 00:13:53,865
ya hear!?
322
00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:55,833
This isn't even
my house anyway.
323
00:13:55,868 --> 00:13:57,869
Oh, all right, we're gonna go.
324
00:13:57,904 --> 00:13:59,804
But when you die,
don't call us.
325
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,072
And don't think
we're not gonna take nothing
326
00:14:01,107 --> 00:14:03,474
for the gas we used.
327
00:14:05,912 --> 00:14:08,379
Come on, granny.
328
00:14:08,414 --> 00:14:10,048
Just take the fish.
329
00:14:13,319 --> 00:14:15,353
This is the ugliest house
I ever saw in my life,
330
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:16,921
you piece of shit.
331
00:14:16,956 --> 00:14:19,224
(dog barking)
Jesus Christ, hurry up!
332
00:14:26,966 --> 00:14:28,199
Chassie.
333
00:14:29,568 --> 00:14:30,835
Chassie.
334
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,770
Chassie. Chassie.
335
00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:34,505
Chassie, Chassie, Chassie.
336
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:37,275
Chassie, Chassie, shh.
337
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:41,045
Chassie. Shh, okay, okay,
shh. Okay.
338
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:42,280
I'm so sorry.
339
00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:44,715
I thought that
would be more comforting.
340
00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:47,986
Why don't I go make us a nice
cold cup of hot warm tea?
341
00:14:49,155 --> 00:14:51,956
-Amy.
-Yes.
342
00:14:51,991 --> 00:14:54,091
Make mine a double.
343
00:14:54,126 --> 00:14:55,660
(softly)
You got it.
344
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:59,363
?
345
00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:01,499
(snoring)
346
00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:08,873
I find peppermint tea with
a little honey to be a soothing
347
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,075
and comforting concoction
for the bedridden.
348
00:15:11,110 --> 00:15:14,879
And if I really want to give it
a boost, I add a little whiskey.
349
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:17,214
Did someone say whiskey?
350
00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:18,649
Regional wine lady?
351
00:15:18,684 --> 00:15:20,351
(applause)
352
00:15:20,386 --> 00:15:23,387
Ha-ha! I understand you're
playing nursemaid to the feeble.
353
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:24,789
Well, I'm trying to.
354
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:26,724
Well, if constipation's
an issue,
355
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,494
I have the perfect blend
to get things moving.
356
00:15:30,529 --> 00:15:33,264
Just mix together a touch of
cayenne pepper, prune juice,
357
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:36,367
a little pear brandy
and then garnish with a raisin.
358
00:15:36,402 --> 00:15:39,303
I call it the Loosey Doucey.
359
00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:41,939
Mmm! Ahh!
360
00:15:41,974 --> 00:15:42,974
Mmm!
361
00:15:43,009 --> 00:15:45,543
As good going in
as it is coming out!
362
00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:47,111
Well, time to skedaddle.
363
00:15:47,146 --> 00:15:49,347
I'm going to get drunk
and have sex with strangers.
364
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,282
I call it the Hooch Smooch.
365
00:15:51,317 --> 00:15:52,850
(singsong)
? It's Friday night
366
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:56,320
? I'm gonna get drunk,
I'm gonna get laid ?
367
00:15:56,355 --> 00:15:57,955
? I'm gonna be late on
368
00:15:57,990 --> 00:15:59,123
(both)
? Monday ?
369
00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:00,725
See you around like a donut.
370
00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:05,830
Hey, Chassie, come on.
371
00:16:05,865 --> 00:16:07,264
Who's there?
372
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:09,767
Chassie, you know who it is.
373
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:12,236
An elderly,
bare-knuckled boxer?
374
00:16:12,271 --> 00:16:13,671
Come on, Chassie.
375
00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:16,340
Ooh, a hard-living
steelworker.
376
00:16:16,375 --> 00:16:17,708
-No.
-The taloned claw
377
00:16:17,743 --> 00:16:19,176
of an anteater?
378
00:16:19,211 --> 00:16:20,277
Lookit,
I'm just gonna tell you.
379
00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:21,712
No, no, don't tell me.
380
00:16:21,747 --> 00:16:24,782
I need to learn how
to do this for myself.
381
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,918
A child mummy?
Crinkly cut French fries.
382
00:16:27,953 --> 00:16:29,353
A spiny tailed iguana?
383
00:16:29,388 --> 00:16:31,589
-It's me, Amy.
-Oh, right.
384
00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:33,357
Right, okay,
I need to flip you over.
385
00:16:33,392 --> 00:16:34,592
No, no, no, I'm quite comfy.
386
00:16:34,627 --> 00:16:35,993
No, Chassie, I don't want you
to get bedsores.
387
00:16:36,028 --> 00:16:38,696
I've only been laying
in bed for eight minutes.
388
00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:40,498
Come on, work with me,
there you go.
389
00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:42,900
Ooh! Ow!
390
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:45,269
-Leave me alone!
-Chassie, what is going on?
391
00:16:45,304 --> 00:16:46,804
I'm just trying
to help you.
392
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:50,374
Look, I'm not temporarily
blind, okay? I never was.
393
00:16:50,409 --> 00:16:51,475
What!?
394
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,978
-Oh, that reminds me.
-Oh, my God!
395
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:59,216
You need to hide
this doll filled with drugs
396
00:16:59,251 --> 00:17:01,285
before Ramone gets here.
397
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,953
Oh, God!
398
00:17:02,988 --> 00:17:04,655
Because if he comes here
and sees you with that,
399
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,924
he's going to kill
everything in sight.
400
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:09,193
Chassie, I am not getting
involved in your squabbles.
401
00:17:09,228 --> 00:17:11,095
That ship has sailed.
402
00:17:11,130 --> 00:17:13,497
The fact is, Ramone is
on his way over here right now
403
00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:15,032
and he's looking for you.
404
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:17,368
Me!? Well, that doesn't
make any sense!
405
00:17:17,403 --> 00:17:19,770
-Why would he be after me?
-Who knows?
406
00:17:19,805 --> 00:17:23,741
Maybe I told him or he could
have heard it from me
407
00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:26,544
or it might have been
something I said to him.
408
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:27,912
What difference does it make?
409
00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:29,380
He's on his way here
right now
410
00:17:29,415 --> 00:17:31,615
and you better have
some answers for him.
411
00:17:31,650 --> 00:17:33,918
Chassie, what is going on?
412
00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:35,319
It's simple.
413
00:17:35,354 --> 00:17:37,354
My landlord locked me
out of my apartment
414
00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:39,423
because I owed him
a few months rent.
415
00:17:39,458 --> 00:17:41,158
He wouldn't
give me my stuff back
416
00:17:41,193 --> 00:17:42,626
so I broke into his place,
417
00:17:42,661 --> 00:17:45,129
took everything out of his
fridge, and stole that doll
418
00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:46,363
filled with drugs.
419
00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:48,466
Well, why don't you just
give him his drugs back?
420
00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:51,635
Because I accidentally did
most of the drugs.
421
00:17:51,670 --> 00:17:55,506
-I'm calling the cops.
-Amy, you can't call the cops!
422
00:17:55,541 --> 00:17:57,007
This phone is a prop.
423
00:17:57,042 --> 00:17:58,609
(banging on door)
Oh!
424
00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:00,645
Who is it?
425
00:18:02,681 --> 00:18:04,381
This is ridiculous.
426
00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:06,884
I cannot believe you get me
involved in all these problems.
427
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:10,154
(growling)
428
00:18:13,159 --> 00:18:14,825
Can I help you?
429
00:18:14,860 --> 00:18:17,962
My name's Ramone.
I'd like to speak with you.
430
00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:22,533
When we come back, we'll meet
our very special,
431
00:18:22,568 --> 00:18:25,169
unexpected guest
on this very special
432
00:18:25,204 --> 00:18:27,071
"At Home With Amy Sedaris".
433
00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:34,945
Can I offer you anything?
Coffee? A light pastry?
434
00:18:34,980 --> 00:18:37,348
Mixed nuts? You know,
I have my own homemaking show.
435
00:18:37,383 --> 00:18:39,750
Shh! Ladies.
436
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:41,652
You have something
that belongs to me,
437
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:44,421
and I want it back.
438
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:46,490
We don't know what
you're talking about.
439
00:18:46,525 --> 00:18:47,858
I don't know what you've
heard about me,
440
00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:50,861
so allow me to, uh,
elucidate.
441
00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:54,632
I run a string of rental
properties on Street Street.
442
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:58,068
Most days when you see me
I'm there to plug up a gas leak
443
00:18:58,103 --> 00:19:01,405
or maybe switch out
the rodent glue traps.
444
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:05,743
But, if you steal from me...
445
00:19:05,778 --> 00:19:07,678
(switchblade clicks)
446
00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:11,215
You'll meet someone
entirely different.
447
00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:16,854
An evil incarnate, mayhem
and villainy borne flesh.
448
00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:18,622
A nightmare...
449
00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:24,128
born into this world,
gasping for air.
450
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,130
So, um...
451
00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:30,301
How many bathrooms you got?
452
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,335
One.
453
00:19:31,370 --> 00:19:33,837
One? For all this
square footage?
454
00:19:33,872 --> 00:19:36,207
I could get you
into a new unit today.
455
00:19:36,242 --> 00:19:38,576
1-1/2 baths, wall to wall
carpet, bike storage
456
00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:41,045
in the basement,
it's cable ready.
457
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,680
I'm fine here.
458
00:19:42,715 --> 00:19:45,516
Well, it doesn't
really matter because, uh,
459
00:19:45,551 --> 00:19:49,420
I'll probably kill you anyway.
Where's my doll?
460
00:19:49,455 --> 00:19:51,589
Listen, if we give you
what you're looking for,
461
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:53,490
will you leave us alone?
462
00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:55,059
Of course.
463
00:19:55,094 --> 00:20:00,231
Why wouldn't you trust a man
who hides his drugs in a doll?
464
00:20:00,266 --> 00:20:03,968
Don't do it, Amy,
he's a vicious sociopath.
465
00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:06,403
Not to mention try
getting ahold of him
466
00:20:06,438 --> 00:20:08,439
when your toilet is clogged.
467
00:20:08,474 --> 00:20:11,342
Excuse me,
so I'm the bad guy here?
468
00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:13,444
Even after it's posted up there
in the laundry room,
469
00:20:13,479 --> 00:20:16,680
you people still insist on
flushing your sanitary napkins
470
00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:19,316
down the crapper and it's up
to me to plunge you out?
471
00:20:19,351 --> 00:20:20,884
You know, I should
kill you just for that.
472
00:20:20,919 --> 00:20:22,920
Okay, everybody just calm down.
473
00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:24,455
Listen, Ramone, I'm going
to take you for your word,
474
00:20:24,490 --> 00:20:27,224
but I think you should know this
whole thing is being broadcast
475
00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:30,060
on television to millions
of viewers watching right now.
476
00:20:30,095 --> 00:20:31,195
Millions?
477
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:32,296
What difference does it make,
Chassie?
478
00:20:32,331 --> 00:20:33,897
-They're still watching.
-Watching?
479
00:20:33,932 --> 00:20:36,000
All right,
just get my doll, huh?
480
00:20:39,605 --> 00:20:43,307
(dramatic music)
481
00:20:48,614 --> 00:20:51,115
There we are, yes.
482
00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:54,985
Drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs.
483
00:20:55,020 --> 00:20:59,456
Drugs, drugs, drugs,
drugs, drugs.
484
00:20:59,491 --> 00:21:02,693
It's a little light.
485
00:21:02,728 --> 00:21:04,795
Ladies, why don't we go
someplace
486
00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:09,867
where the cameras
aren't so, um, watchy?
487
00:21:09,902 --> 00:21:11,435
I thought you said you weren't
going to hurt us.
488
00:21:11,470 --> 00:21:12,936
I lied.
489
00:21:12,971 --> 00:21:15,739
You know, I can't think of
anything worse than a liar.
490
00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:17,341
-I'm also a murderer.
-Oh.
491
00:21:17,376 --> 00:21:20,044
Oh, yeah, now,
that, that's worse.
492
00:21:21,313 --> 00:21:22,846
Hey!
493
00:21:22,881 --> 00:21:24,448
What-- I'll kill you!
494
00:21:24,483 --> 00:21:27,051
When I find you
I'll kill you!
495
00:21:27,086 --> 00:21:29,420
Okay, Chassie,
it's up to you now.
496
00:21:29,455 --> 00:21:30,621
Lead us to freedom.
497
00:21:30,656 --> 00:21:32,656
Are you crazy?
I can't see a thing.
498
00:21:32,691 --> 00:21:34,291
-We're doomed!
-You're wrong, Chassie,
499
00:21:34,326 --> 00:21:35,592
you can do it!
500
00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:37,661
You're our last only
best chance.
501
00:21:37,696 --> 00:21:39,296
What are you talking about?
502
00:21:39,331 --> 00:21:41,965
You just spent 20 minutes
pretending you're blind,
503
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:43,434
you know what it's like.
504
00:21:43,469 --> 00:21:45,235
Use your gift.
(Ramone shouting)
505
00:21:45,270 --> 00:21:47,671
All right.
Hold on to me.
506
00:21:47,706 --> 00:21:50,641
I'll lead us
to the front door.
507
00:21:50,676 --> 00:21:53,844
Hey, I hear you talking about
the front door.
508
00:21:53,879 --> 00:21:57,048
I'll meet you there,
so I can murder you.
509
00:21:59,284 --> 00:22:00,718
We're almost there.
510
00:22:00,753 --> 00:22:02,386
Chassie, you're doing it!
511
00:22:03,622 --> 00:22:05,989
(door creaking)
512
00:22:06,024 --> 00:22:08,659
(Amy)
We did it-- freedom!
513
00:22:08,694 --> 00:22:10,327
Oh, my God, where are we?
514
00:22:10,362 --> 00:22:13,731
Oh, your tiny enclosed porch
with the craft supplies.
515
00:22:13,766 --> 00:22:18,302
I don't have a tiny
enclosed porch, Chassie.
516
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:21,238
(flashlight clicks)
We're in my craft room closet.
517
00:22:21,273 --> 00:22:25,042
We couldn't be farther away from
the front door-- you idiot!
518
00:22:25,077 --> 00:22:27,044
(Ramone)
Hey, guess what I found, ladies?
519
00:22:27,079 --> 00:22:28,912
(both gasping)
520
00:22:28,947 --> 00:22:30,848
Guess what else I found?
521
00:22:30,883 --> 00:22:32,416
A fire iron.
522
00:22:32,451 --> 00:22:34,852
Now I can stab one of you
and crush the skull
523
00:22:34,887 --> 00:22:36,987
of the other one.
(chuckling)
524
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:39,690
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
525
00:22:39,725 --> 00:22:41,225
Are you in the kitchen?
526
00:22:41,260 --> 00:22:42,726
(both)
No, we're not.
527
00:22:42,761 --> 00:22:43,927
Shh!
528
00:22:43,962 --> 00:22:45,329
We have to think of
something.
529
00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:47,131
Um, I choose the skull crush.
530
00:22:47,166 --> 00:22:49,233
No, I mean a way out.
531
00:22:49,268 --> 00:22:52,336
(glass shatters,
struggling outside)
532
00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:56,607
(door creaking)
533
00:22:56,642 --> 00:22:57,775
(fanfare)
534
00:22:57,810 --> 00:22:58,976
(mama)
Chassie!
535
00:22:59,011 --> 00:23:00,344
It's mama!
536
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:02,713
Wh-what are you
doing here, mama?
537
00:23:02,748 --> 00:23:05,849
We were watching you get
murdered on the TV.
538
00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:07,584
Wait-- w-what happened
to Ramone?
539
00:23:07,619 --> 00:23:09,620
Granny stomped him.
540
00:23:09,655 --> 00:23:10,888
(laughing)
541
00:23:10,923 --> 00:23:12,790
Oh, mama!
542
00:23:12,825 --> 00:23:16,326
Oh, I got my baby back and
I ain't never gonna let her go.
543
00:23:16,361 --> 00:23:17,928
You just try to get away.
544
00:23:17,963 --> 00:23:19,329
Mama, you know if we leave now
545
00:23:19,364 --> 00:23:22,566
we can still catch the two
for one on the spine flume.
546
00:23:24,336 --> 00:23:25,302
(softly)
Gotta go.
547
00:23:25,337 --> 00:23:27,138
(softly)
Yes!
548
00:23:31,944 --> 00:23:33,143
Family.
549
00:23:33,178 --> 00:23:35,312
Well, you know, Amy,
all in all
550
00:23:35,347 --> 00:23:37,581
I'd say this was
a pretty good episode.
551
00:23:37,616 --> 00:23:39,149
Was it, Chassie?
552
00:23:39,184 --> 00:23:40,717
You lied to me
about being sick,
553
00:23:40,752 --> 00:23:42,586
you let a murderer
into my home,
554
00:23:42,621 --> 00:23:45,756
your family emptied out
my living room, and I found out
555
00:23:45,791 --> 00:23:49,293
I'm paying way too much for
the square footage that I have.
556
00:23:49,328 --> 00:23:50,527
You seem upset.
557
00:23:50,562 --> 00:23:51,662
Why don't we go
to commercial?
558
00:23:56,101 --> 00:23:58,802
Well, as it turns out, this
was a pretty good episode.
559
00:23:58,837 --> 00:24:00,904
You see, all I really
wanted was to show you
560
00:24:00,939 --> 00:24:04,007
how to take care of a sick
person in your own home,
561
00:24:04,042 --> 00:24:07,411
and now I can.
(coin clattering)
562
00:24:09,381 --> 00:24:11,081
How's my patient?
563
00:24:11,116 --> 00:24:14,017
That old lady really did
a number on my internal organs.
564
00:24:14,052 --> 00:24:15,719
Well, you did try to murder
her granddaughter.
565
00:24:19,091 --> 00:24:20,858
We're about out of
time, but remember,
566
00:24:20,893 --> 00:24:24,761
a sick guest makes for
a happy host.
567
00:24:24,796 --> 00:24:26,630
It's time for
your sponge bath!
568
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,601
We'll start in the basement.
569
00:24:30,651 --> 00:24:35,201
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