All language subtitles for The Love Boat s09e13 The Misunderstanding.eng

[Theme - dionne Warwick, "the
love boat theme"]

Theme song: Love.

Love exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love-- love is
life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat.

Soon we'll be
making another run.

The love boat promises
something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.

And love-- love
won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

The love boat.

Soon we'll be
making another run.

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

Hello, wrestling fans.

I'm Eddie dumont here
aboard the pacific Princess

to cover the much touted grudge
match between Thomas "the

mangler" sharkey and the
notorious lover boy Bob,

and who better to give us the
color commentary than the one,

the only hulk hogan?

Any chance of getting you
in the ring tomorrow, hulk?

I wouldn't step in the ring
with those two dudes, man.

I'm the world wrestling
federation heavyweight champion

of the world, and I
only climb in the ring

with top contenders.

Well, you've heard it here
from the hulk himself, ladies--

wait a minute.

Let me get one thing straight
right from the start.

On this ship, I'm the only
professional wrestler on board,

and I don't know who these
two skinny little wimps

are running around, but they're
definitely not wrestlers.

And they better
not get in my way,

because I'm here to
stay, not to play,

and I'm looking for a real
good time around here.

Thank you for that
color commentary, hulk.

I can't believe
the cruise line would

sponsor a wrestling match.

I mean, this stuff
is so ridiculous.

Are you kidding?

Haven't you ever seen a match?

Me at a wrestling match?

Vicki, please, think about it.

Oh, come on.

Let me tell you,
I saw hulk hogan

get beaten with a folding chair
and still come back to win.

You can't beat that
kind of action.

Eddie dumont: Here he is, ladies
and gentlemen, lover boy Bob.

Bob, please a word for the fans.

I've been waiting
for this match

ever since the mangler put
my partner in a hospital

with an illegal move.

Hey, what's wrong
with an illegal move?

You know, you gotta take the
good with the bad in this job,

Sonny.

A kick to the head, a
short chop to the teeth--

that's ok, just as long as
they do it to you first.

It's payback time, and i'm
gonna mangle the mangler.

You heard it here,
ladies and gentlemen.

This could be the
match of the century--

not counting any of
your matches, hulk, sir.

Ah, there he is-- the mangler.

What are your thoughts
on the match, mangler?

I don't know what lover
boy's been telling you,

but my fans know, and
you know, Eddie, I'm here

to fight a clean fight, and
rip off this guy's head,

and stuff it down his neck.

Yeah!
Come here!

Let's [inaudible].

Easy, moderators.

And we'll be here to
cover all the action on awn,

the all wrestling network.

Oh, darn.

Did I miss the debates?

That colorful exchange of
philosophies and ideas?

Will you give me a break, sis?

We're advertising the match.

Ok, Mr. Kants, that's
cabin 343, aloha deck.

So my cousin finally
got to be a big shot?

Oh, Gretchen.

Hi.

It's about time you broke
down and went on a cruise.

This is gonna be
one of the best.

Oh, excellent weather?

Excellent men.

Judy, I love you, but if you
insist on upholding the family

tradition of finding a
man for poor Gretchen,

I'm getting off
this boat right now.

Ok, ok.

It's my job to set
out the buffet.

You decide what to sample.

I mean it, Judy.

I can still take you.

- Welcome aboard.
- Hi, welcome aboard.

Believe me, sir.

This is a dynamite idea.

Hello, welcome aboard.

Hi, welcome aboard.
Sir, come on.

This is a great idea.

How can you say no
before you've even heard.

All right, gopher.

Let's have it.

Ok, all right,
starting this cruise,

we offer our passengers an
exciting new adventure--

mystery port.

Mystery port?

As a special bonus, we
make a stop at a port that is

not on our regular itinerary.

Forget it, gopher.

Oh, sir, come on.

I'm just trying to liven
things up around here.

I mean, aren't you tired
of doing the same old thing

the same old way?

Old?

Well, I don't mean
you personally, sir.

I mean, well, after all, there
may be snow on the mountain,

but there's fire down below.

You're right.

A lot of that snow has
melted now, especially up here

above the timber line.

Gopher, go to your hole.

Ok.

Too [inaudible].

Too old.

Too married.

Judy, I don't get it.

Your cousin Gretchen is
a very attractive woman.

Why are you so worried that she
can't find a man on her own?

Because she is so picky, ace.

All of her life
she's been looking

for a guy who's a
cross between Tom

Selleck and Henry kissinger.

A hunk who can go
on "nightline," huh?

Any candidates?

No, but I'm not gonna give up.

Hey, Isaac.

Hey, doc.

Uh, I'd like a
club soda, please.

Nathan, what would you like?

I'll have the same thing.

Thanks.

Ok.

Hi.

Enjoying the
cruise, mister, uh--

Paul-- Nathan Paul.

Yes, I'm having
a wonderful time.

Thank you.

Uh, Judy's our
cruise director.

She'll see to it that you
have the time of your life.

You bet I will.

So, Mr. Paul, uh, what is
it you do for a living?

I'm an author.

Have I read any of your books?

Not if you've gone
through puberty.

I write children's books.

Oh.

But if you can't sleep
tonight, give me a call.

I'll tell you a bedtime story.

Well, there is one thing
I know about writers--

they never get enough sun.

So here we are,
prime sunny location.

Gretchen.

Gretchen, honey.

What a surprise.

Um, Gretchen, this
is Nathan Paul.

Nathan Paul, my cousin,
Gretchen summers.

Hello.

Nathan is a writer.

Gretchen's a stockbroker.

Fluent in three languages.

Loves to ski.

I'd like to stay and
play the dating game,

but I've got to run.

Nice to have met you, Nathan.

Mind if I sit here.

No.

I mean, if you think
it's a good idea.

Well, it's hard getting
a tan standing up.

Just kind of ironic
with all the, uh,

women around here you
decide to sit next to me.

Well, it just looked
like a good place to sit.

You don't know
who I am, do you?

No, but I'm Bob.

I'm Linda.

There we go.

You're Linda, and I'm Bob.

"How to talk to anyone"--

that's what you're reading?

Yeah, um, I thought
it might help me out.

Kind of shy.

You're kidding.

No.

In fact, I'm running
out of things to say.

Think you can give me a hand?

Sure.

Sure.

Woman: Lift the right
twice, and then the left.

Then the right.

Woman: Starlight, keep
your knees together.

It's a real '20s look.

I will never be able to do
this new step for my solo.

You have time, starlight.

Just keep at it.

If you couldn't do
it, would they fire you?

I mean, how would
they do that at sea?

They make you swim home.

Boy, they're strict.

So with the right
[Inaudible] left.

You're getting sleepy.

You feel your entire body
relaxing into a deep sleep.

Ever more relaxed, ever more
sleepy, your mind is vacant.

I don't, man.

It seems all the captain
wants to do around

here is run things by the book.

I'll tell you this,
if I were the captain,

I'd know how to jazz things up.

Yeah, right.

Say, who is that guy, anyway?

Oh, that guy is the
amazing Zimmerman.

Judy hired him for the cruise.

Well, what is he
doing, rehearsing

or trying to get a date?

You know, it hurts
me that you are

not interested in listening
to your best friends spill

his guts.

I'm sorry.

Listen, as far as the captain
is concerned, if I were you,

I would cool it with the
bright ideas for a while.

He still chokes when
anyone mentions the idea

you had about the kitty casino.

[Phone ringing]

Excuse me.

Lido bar.

You're getting
more and more sleepy.

You are drifting to a
level of consciousness

where no man has
ever gone before.

Your mind is a magic
slate, an empty blackboard

devoid of thought, purpose.

I am in control.

And now, if you're completely
relaxed, twitch your nose.

And now you will do the very
next thing you're told to do.

If you understand this, give
the amazing Zimmerman a nod.

I've bad news, amazing.

What?

I'm not hypnotized.

Really?

How about dinner?

All right, where were we?

Oh, yes.

You were spilling your guts.

You know, I'd like to see
you try and be the captain.

Excuse me, sailor.

I've got a ship to run.

You know me, Eddie.

I train hard, and I take
good care of myself.

And if lover boy thinks he's
gonna try his grip of death

on me, this is what
I'm gonna to do to him.

Oh, Nelly.

Did you see that, fans?

Don't miss the action--

the mangler versus lover boy on
awn, the all wrestling network.

Ok, that was good.

Beautiful.

Thanks, champ.

Hey, mangler.

How's it going?

Hi, guys.

How you doing, sis?

Ok, guess who I
just spent time with?

Lover boy Bob.

Stay away from that jerk.

- Will you take it easy?
- No.

No sister of mine's
gonna hang around

with an animal like that.

He happens to be
a very sweet man.

Did you know that he's
actually very shy?

We had a really nice talk.

I mean, he doesn't even
know I'm your sister.

I mean it.

Stay away from him.

I don't want you to we
one of lover boy's bimbos.

I'm a big girl now, and I can
take care of myself, thank you.

You have good taste.

Oh, you've got it?

Twice.

It must be good.

Trust me.

I'm sorry, goph.

[Inaudible] That, sailor.

What?

What you mean to
say is I'm sorry, sir!

Right.

I'm sorry, sir.

Whoa.

I'm going to have to put
that young man on report.

Why do I have all these keys?

Because I'm the captain.

Captains need keys.

Doc, I've been looking
all over for you.

Gopher is acting strange.

Yeah, what else is new?

Doc!

Let the games begin.

Good evening.

You're right.

He is stranger than usual.

Good evening.

Good evening.

On behalf of the captain, me,
I want to wish you bon appetit.

You know what that means?

It's French for good appetite.

I speak French because
I'm the captain.

I met the captain
when we came aboard.

That's not him.

Maybe he's the,
uh, night captain.

Evening.

Good evening.

Gopher.

Evening.

What are you doing?

You will address me as
captain or sir, mister,

or you will not
address me at all.

All right, gopher, you've
had your little joke.

Stop pretending
to be the captain.

This is gross insubordination.

I want your commission.

You can our commissions
later, but right now

you're wanted on the bridge.

Oh, well, the bridge--
that's different.

Leaving so soon, gentlemen.

We just thought we'd take
a little stroll around deck

before dinner.

I'm sorry, Linda.

This'll just take a minute.

Hey, dog face, have some
consideration and leave.

I mean, people are
trying to eat here.

You can close the big mouth.

I want to talk to my sister.

Sister?

You're the mangler's sister?

I was gonna
mention that later.

I told you I don't want
you anywhere near this guy.

And I told you I will
see whoever I want.

Look, Linda, I've
always looked after you.

Guys like this are bad news.

Hey, you want to
say that to my face?

Bob, this is between
my brother and me.

He doesn't seem to think I
can have a life of my own.

Hey, listen, if i'm
just here to prove

your independence
to your brother,

well, you can find someone else.

All right, I want some
answers, and I want them now.

What was the rush
to have me examined?

Well, you due for you--

sir, you were due for
your annual physical today,

and I couldn't rest
knowing I let the day

go by without doing my job.

So how am I?

Nutty ass--

sound as a dollar.

Good.

In that case, I'll
put on my jacket

and be about my business.

Doc, what's wrong with him?

Beats me.

Maybe gopher's had--

gopher's had a
nervous breakdown.

In any case, i'd
better tell the captain.

Well, you can't.

If the c-- captain
finds out about this--

he's already on gopher's case--

it'll be the last straw.

Now, that may be, but I can't
let him roam around like this.

I'll give him a mild sedative.

Good.

Maybe when he wakes
up in the morning,

he'll be his old self again.

I don't know.

Maybe we should aim higher.

Well, looks like we've been
seated at the same table.

What a nice surprise.

It's very nice, but
hardly a surprise.

I'm sure this is Judy's doing.

Look, Nathan, I think you
deserve an explanation.

Judy's my cousin, and apparently
she's devoting every waking

hour to finding a man for me.

Well, you don't seem the
type that would need any help.

I'm not, but
everyone in my family

is concerned that, if I
don't settle down soon,

all the good men will be gone.

I'll be stuck with a rebounder.

I know what you mean.

My family is worried that,
if I don't get married,

I'm not gonna eat right.

Sometimes I wish I could cross
my fingers, and wiggle one ear,

and make whoever I
choose disappear.

That's from my book,
"the runaway frog."

You read it?

I couldn't put it down.

But that-- that's
a children's book.

Well, I read it in the
privacy of my own cabin.

I'm really touched.

So what do you think?

Nathan, it's a
children's book.

I'm not an expert in the field.

Sure you are.

You were a kid
once, weren't you?

Go on, be brutal.

All right.

Well, ok, it's better
than "the poky little

puppy," but not quite on a
par with "the little engine

that could."

I, um--

I wanted to apologize for what
happened at dinner tonight.

You were right.

I, uh, was using you.

Oh, i-- I feel better.

Before I just
thought I was a fool.

Now I know it.

No, you're not.

Bob, I really like you, and
that's why I didn't tell you

who I was when we
first met, because I

didn't want to spoil things.

Didn't think the
family would approve.

Will you forget
about my brother?

I wanted to see you
again because, well,

you're not at all the way
you appear to be on TV.

I like you a lot.

You mean that?

Yeah.

Why else would I come
crawling back here

and ask you to go dancing?

I got it.

You're trying to tire me
out before the big match.

We'll only dance
the slow ones.

6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

That's right.

You got it.

Good.

I can do it with my fingers.

Now if I could only
do it with my feet.

Oh, you'll do it.

I still feel badly about
walking out on the hypnotist,

but I swear the only reason
the subject fell asleep

was because she got tired
of watching his act.

I really enjoyed this evening.

So have I.

Well, I guess I ought to
thank Judy for doing a good job.

Well, the, uh, $10 I slipped
her to put me to the top

of the list ought to help.

Would you like to dance?

Ok.

Maybe when I do--

uh, excuse me.

I just checked the infirmary.

Gopher's gone.

Well, maybe he woke
up, remembered who he

is, and went back to his cabin.

Gopher (on intercom):
Attention all passengers.

Attention all passenger.

Tomorrow after the
wrestling match,

we'll be stopping
at our mystery port.

Here's a clue.

This port's government is
about to be overthrown.

The smoking lamp is now lit.

I think we'd better find him.

Excuse me.

Excuse us.

Lover boy Bob: Look
at this spread.

There you go.
What do you want?

I wonder what I want.

I want a kiwi.

All right.

Here you go.

One kiwi.

You know I used to wear
a hood in the ring?

Yeah?

Yeah, but I
passed out one night

because I couldn't breathe.

I mean, it was so embarrassing.

[Inaudible]

Great.

He must have radar.

I'll handle this.

I want to talk to you.

Listen, Thomas.

Your sister's with
me because she wants

to be with me, so butt out.

Well, my fight's not
with my sister anymore.

It's with you.

When we step in that
ring this afternoon,

I'm gonna end your
career permanently.

Come on, Jimmy.

Let's get this on tape.

Shut up, Eddie.

You wouldn't talk to me like
that if the hulkster was here.

Is this a blood feud?

Are you two in love?

I don't understand.

You usually get these
step right away.

But it's the Charleston.

It's a '20s number, and
I have an '80s body.

You'll be fine.

We'll work with you.

We're your friends,
and we care about you.

Morning, Gretchen.

Hi.

Well, you and
Nathan seemed to be

enjoying yourselves last night.

Last night was wonderful.

Nathan's everything I've
ever looked for in a man.

Then everything's
working out, right?

Well, unfortunately it's a
day late and a dollar short.

Why?

You see, two months
ago I turned 30.

It's one of those
milestone birthdays

where you kind of take
stock of yourself,

and it was depressing.

Why, because you're all alone?

Mm-hm.

I always expected
to have a career

and still be able to have
a husband and children,

but the right guy
never came along.

And then I realized that,
if I waited until I was 35

to have my first child,
I'd be 53 before she

graduated from high school.

And then by the
time my kid finished

college and med school, i'd
be old enough for medicare.

Well, Gretchen, what
are you gonna do about it?

I've already done it.

I'm six weeks pregnant.

Oh my god.

Um, maybe we should
go someplace where you

can lie down, and I'll explain.

Well, did you find him?

I looked everywhere.

I even checked his make out nest
in the boiler room-- nothing.

Well, I'd better
tell the captain.

Uh, doc, please, hold off.

I know I can find it.

Well--

thanks.

Adam, gopher has
gone too far this time.

What's he done now?

That announcement
he made last night.

I don't like members
of my crew making

what they consider
jokes over the ship's

public address system.

Uh, captain?

Yes?

Would you please explain this?

What is it?

It's a loyalty oath.

The entire crew got one.

Well, I didn't send
any of these out.

Well, your signature's on it.

That's not my signature.

I always put a little
happy face inside my b.

Oh, yeah.

I want a meeting
in my office right

after the wrestling match.

Well, he's ticked off now.

Mm.

Gopher (on intercom): Ladies and
gentlemen, this is the captain.

I'd like to remind
you that the wrestling

match is about to begin.

No one will be seated
after the first round,

except me, because
I'm the captain.

Eddie dumont: Fans, we've
had the introductions.

We are seconds away from
a match that's shaping

up to be a real blood feud.

Hulk, could you give
us an in depth analysis

of these two fine competitors.

Yeah, this macho man,
lover boy, is so skinny

he makes boy George
look like Superman.

And as far as the
mangler goes, he's just

plain scared of his own shadow.

Eddie dumont: Thank you, hulk.

Ok, fans, it looks like it's
almost time for the bell.

Tommy, please.

Bob is actually a very nice guy.

Yeah, well, excuse
me, but I got to go

rip your boyfriend apart now.

Eddie dumont: All
right, wrestling fans,

we are seconds away from
the match of the century.

A few [inaudible]
from the mangler.

Going to take more than cape
work to win this bout, mangler.

All right, they're
stepping into the ring.

The fans are on the
edge of their seat.

[Ding]
There's the bell.

They're circling around
looking for that ever

important first advantage.

Lot of aggression
here on the face.

A lot of aggression.

And they're locking up.

They're locking up, fans.

Neither one has the advantage.

They're looking.

They're looking, and the mangler
is going for a head lock.

He used the hair
to get a head lock.

Illegal use of hair!

We're talking hair here, ref!

We're talking illegal hair!

And now mangler is slamming
lover boy to the canvas.

Hey, ref, wake up!

Boy, you ever work with
this ref before, hulk?

Are you kidding?

I wouldn't work with
anybody in there.

Eddie dumont: All right, the
mangler is working his eyes,

and now the mangler is on
the rope, and it's leap frog.

Whoa, Nelly!

It could've been Sunday!

Come on, lover boy!

Give him the grip of death!

Come on, mangler!

Rip his lips off!

Come on!

Kill him!

Eddie dumont: And now they're
locking up, locking up.

And the mangler
has him by the leg.

He's got him by the leg, and
it's a step over toe hold.

The mangler is mangling
lover boy's foot.

He just-- oh, face is kicked!

Illegal kick, ref!

Illegal kick!

Tommy!

Tommy, let him go!

Eddie dumont: He's still
toasting those toes.

Oh, he won't fit
into that shoe again.

Not gonna fit into
that shoe, is he, hulk?

Still torturing those tootsies.

And there's the tip off!

And lover boy is-- a
kick up by lover boy!

And they're circling around,
looking for that advantage.

Looking and locking
up again, fans.

Locking up again.

And-- oh, mangler
grabs the hair,

and mangler has him in a vicious
head lock working the eyes.

On the rope, and dipsy doodle.

Here comes big splash!

Just misses!

Just misses!

Mangler rolls away,
but he is tired, fans.

He is tired.

They're looking.

And big splash misses!

Little puddle.

These boys are tired.

Is it gonna be a draw?

It's gut instinct
alone now fans.

They're up, and it's bear hug.

Bear hug.

Who has the advantage?

It's hard to tell,
wrestling fans,

as these tired warriors
fall to their knees.

Oh, a last grip!

Hulk, this certainly isn't
the match we anticipated.

Yeah, these guys are a lot
worse than I thought they were.

They don't even deserve to
call themselves wrestlers!

Wait just a gosh
darn minute, fans.

The hulkster is going into the
ring and is going to do damage!

This is totally unexpected.

What are you doing?

This is our fight.

You're an insult
to my profession.

My integrity's at stake here.

[Inaudible]

Eddie dumont: [Inaudible]
He's killing lover boy!

He's got him by the throat!

And oh my god, there goes
lover boy into the fans!

And here's the mangler.

Women and children are
running for their lives.

Fans, in all my
years in wrestling,

I have never seen
anything like this.

Hulk hogan has single
handedly ended this match.

I predict there will be an
investigation and a rematch.

Stay tuned to awn
for future updates.

I know gopher is behind
all those memos, loyalty

oaths, strange announcements.

It appears gopher is
suffering from a delusion.

He thinks he's you.

He thinks he's me.

No, him, the captain.

Me, why?

Well, it all started
on the lido deck.

Gopher was telling me
about the dressing down

that you gave him,
and everyone else

was watching the
amazing Zimmerman

trying to hypnotize Jane.

You don't think that--

I think gopher's
been hypnotized

into believing he's me.

Oh, you can't be serious.

Zimmerman is a
terrible hypnotist.

Well, even a bad hypnotist
is successful sometimes.

You've got to find him and
get gopher out of this.

Well, sir, that's going
to be a little difficult.

You see, the passengers
hated his act

so much that I had to fire him.

The last time I saw
him he was wandering

around the ship depressed.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Well, the post
hypnotic suggestion

has got to wear off in time.

All right, you
look for Zimmerman.

You look for gopher.

Right.

At least he didn't
do any real harm.

Right.

Ace: Something wrong, sir?

Yes.

The coast is supposed
to be on the port side.

I want you to search this ship
and find gopher on the double.

All: Yes, sir.

Hello, bridge.

This is the captain--

the real captain, and I
don't have a happy face.

Judy (on intercom):
We hope you enjoy

your afternoon in acapulco.

The ship sails at midnight.

Oh, and if anyone sees
the amazing Zimmerman,

please tell him to report to the
captain's office immediately.

Gretchen, I gotta
level with you.

I got lousy feet.

No kidding.

After all the dancing
we did last night

and all the walking
around today,

I'm gonna be laid up
for at least a week.

I just told you my
deepest, darkest secret.

It's your turn.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Come on, Gretchen.

You obviously have
something on your mind.

I'd just like to
know what it is.

I just don't know
how to tell you.

Why don't you make
easy on yourself?

Just kind of talk to me.

All right.

I'm pregnant.

You're joking
with me, aren't you?

No, I'm not.

Oh, come on, Gretchen.

I studied biology.

Nothing we did last night
could've caused that.

It's not you.

It's not anyone.

This doesn't have anything
to do with spaceships, does it?

No, I'm serious.

I was-- well, um, the
cold clinical term

is artificially inseminated.

Why?

Because I wanted to have a
baby, and there wasn't any one

around I wanted to have it with.

You find that strange?

I never really gave
it much thought before.

Probably because I never
actually wanted children

myself under any circumstances.

Well, that certainly
changes things, doesn't it?

I won't waste
anymore of your time.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi.

Has, uh, anybody seen gopher?

He was here five minutes ago.

Isaac-- and if he's going
to be captain, I'm quitting.

Uh, excuse me?

Uh, uh, lover boy?

Uh, listen, I have
to admit I used

to think this pro wrestling
stuff was pretty silly,

but I have to hand it to you.

I mean, you guys
really earn your money.

- Oh!
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Gopher!

[Inaudible]

Oh, you were wonderful.

Just relax here for a while.

Trust me, you'll
feel so much better.

I feel like I've ridden
coast to coast under a truck.

No, uh-uh.

I'm not staying
in here with you.

Oh, yes you are.

I'm not letting you two
out until you can talk

to each other like grown ups.

Hey, you want to replay
the match right now.

Hey, guys.

Listen, can't you
reason together?

Violence never settled anything.

We could warm up to you.

Uh, excuse me.

I'm just an innocent bystander.

Ah!

Could you let me out?

You better start talking.

I'm staying right here,
and I'm not letting

you out until you shake hands.

Oh.

Oh, I'd like to punch you
if I could lift my arm.

Gopher, you in there?

Safety check.

Could save your life.

A-ha!

The imposter.

So, you think you
can steal my ship?

Gopher?

What?

I mean--

I mean, captain.

Uh, look, why, uh--

why don't-- why don't
we talk this over?

Don't touch!

Never touch!

What makes you
think that you could

be the captain of anything?

How dare you talk to me like--
what?

I mean-- I mean,
you're right, sir.

Yes, you're absolutely right.

But i-- I thought you'd be
the kind of captain of such

a stature that you would
like to discuss things

and-- and-- and work them out.

There's nothing to discuss.

It's a question of
mutiny, pure and simple,

and it just won't wash!

No one is going to hurt you.

Everything's going
to be all right.

Trust us.
- Be cool.

I'm cool.

We just want to
have a little chat.

Yeah, we just want to talk.

Yeah, uh, don't worry, folks.

It's just a little game we play.

It's called catch the captain.

It's a tradition of the sea.

Oh, catch the captain
is your game then, is it?

Yeah.

In that case, you'll
never take me alive.

Oh my god.

Man overboard!

Man overboard!

We know there's
a man overboard.

Throw the line!

She's still there.

You know she's not
gonna let us out

of here till we shake hands.

Look, I understand how
you feel about Linda.

I mean, if she was my sister,
I'd try to protect her, too.

I just wanted
something better for her

than to fall in love
with some guy that--

that's famous for chasing women.

Come on.

What's the real problem?

Look, I got no
problem with you.

I just want better for
her than to get involved

with a wrestler like me.

No offense, Thomas, but
I don't plan on doing

this the rest of my life.

Soon I'll have enough
saved up to do exactly

what I've always wanted to do--

get a little house
in New Hampshire

and open up a
sporting goods store.

Really?

If you need any advice, I just
got my real estate license.

Well, you know, we
are doing pretty well.

Maybe we ought to shake
hands and get out of here

before we're both dehydrated.

Linda, look, we're shaking.

Judy (on intercom): Attention,
flappers and gangsters,

don't miss our roaring '20s show
at the international lounge.

You can do this, starlight.

I can?

Break a leg.

That is a terrible
thing to say.

It means good luck.

Oh.

I'll never understand
this business.

Good luck.

[Interposing voices]

Ladies and gentlemen, the
mermaids with a salute to that

roaring decade, the '20s!

All: (Singing) [Inaudible].

Oh, yeah.

Welcome to the bungalow
of the roaring '20s.

Flappers dance [inaudible]
Charleston [inaudible]..

Riding in the rumble
seat with the bees knees.

Can't breathe.

[Inaudible] Up to our throat.

No one shivers in our flippers.

Wow.

We're the cat's meow, and how!

If that's not cool with
you, then 23 skidoo.

Everything is hunky
dory and [inaudible]..

Betty boop and [inaudible].

Valentino on the screen.

Model ts and [inaudible].

Al Capone and rin tin tin.

We can hardly wait till '29.

All: 'Cause 1929 looks fine.

Black bottom.

A new cruiser.

You sure got a [inaudible].

We got their hands into a
raggedy [inaudible] hot.

We jump right in and
give all a [inaudible]..

All: Boo boopie doop.

Bo doggie-o.

Black bottom a new cruiser.

When you spot 'em,
you go with 'em and,

do that black, black bottom.

Do that black, black bottom.

Do that black, black
bottom all the day long.

Down on wall street,
things are looking fine,

and we just can't
wait till 1929!

Woo!

[Applause]

[Interposing voices]

[Cheering]

Who threw me in the bay?

As soon as I find that
out and tell the captain,

somebody is gonna be
in a lot of trouble.

Don't you think
you're the captain?

No, I don't.
Why?

Why would I think that?
Why?

Gopher?

What?

We need to talk.

Yes, sir, right away.

But you better change first.

I don't want you
dripping on my carpet.

Yes, sir.

Who threw me in the bay?
- That's all I want to know.

Well, it's a long--

it's a long story.

All right.

Judy (on intercom): We're
now leaving lovely acapulco.

We hope you've enjoyed your
stay as much as we have.

Our next stop is Los Angeles.

Buenas noches.

Oh, what a cruise.

One of our crew members
literally jumped overboard.

We just picked him up.

I mean, it's a miracle
we saw him down

there at night in the dark sea.

He can't even swim.

He missed the dock by that much.

I mean, it's just
incredible he wasn't hurt.

Did you ever have kids, doc?

Ok, we'll talk about what
you want to talk about.

No, I never had any of my own.

I like to think I
still might someday.

I never wanted any.

But your books?

My books--

I only give them problems
I can solve, doc.

That way, if I make a
mistake, nobody gets hurt.

But in real life, if a
father makes a mistake,

it's the kid who pays.

If only perfect
people had children,

the human race would
die out very quickly.

Difficult decision
to make, isn't it, doc?

Of course it is.

Being responsible for another
person is frightening prospect,

but you can't let fear stand
in the way of your shot

at happiness.

Now can we talk about
what I want to talk about?

Well, I'm ready to turn in.

How about you, kid?

[Knocking]

Hi.

Hi.

Are you alone?

I thought I heard someone.

I'm not alone.

I was talking to my baby.

How is he or she?

Fine.

May I come in?

I've, uh, been working
on my new book.

I, uh, just can't seem to
lick one little plot problem,

and sometimes it helps if I
tell the story to somebody else.

Why me?

Oh, you're kidding.

Your criticism of "the runaway
frog" showed real insight.

I'm listening.

Ok.

Once upon a time,
there was this guy--

a guy?

Not a pony or a frog?

I'm trying to
grow as a writer.

So anyway, this guy was sort
of dashing in his own way,

but he wasn't perfect.

More importantly,
he wasn't expecting

to meet the woman of his
dreams, fall in love,

and become a prospective
father all in one fell swoop.

He was a little frightened.

Who isn't?

Bear with me, please, because
this is a work in progress,

all right?

So this guy loves this
woman, and he just

wants to get a
fresh start and take

it one little step at a time.

How-- how does that-- how
does that sound so far?

Does it make sense?

This guy and this woman--

do they live happily ever after?

Absolutely.

So what do you think?

I think it's a bestseller.

Hey, hulk hogan.

Hey, well, me and
the mangler do hereby

challenge you to a tag
team match with you

and somebody equally as ugly.

You know, you got to be
kidding, little dude man.

I already busted you and
your sister up all by myself.

I got a lot of top
contenders to worry about,

and I don't have time to play
games with you two clowns.

Yeah?

Yeah, but this time
we'll be ready,

and you'll be eating canvas.

You heard it here,
wrestling fans.

The rematch of the century on
awn, the all wrestling network.

Hulk?

Well, you know, I
can't believe this, man.

I came here for a
little r&r. I didn't

want to hear nothing about
this wrestling stuff,

and you know something?

You guys don't even look
like athletes to me.

I don't see any muscles, and
you know I don't see any brains,

but if you keep
jumping up in my face,

man, I just might take you
out there in that combat zone

and show you what
reality is all about.

Judy: Thank you [inaudible].

Well, cousin, I guess
I owe you one after all.

You know, it's
all because of you

that I am becoming a husband
and a father at the same time.

Mm-hm.

I may make you a
character in my next book.

- Oh?
- Mm-hm.

Any objections to
being a panda bear?

Could you make
it a slim panda?

Sure.

Uh, Judy, there is
one more little thing

I need you to do for me.

What's that?

Explain all this
to the family.

Bye, thank you.

Thanks, Judy.

Good luck.

I can't tell you how terrible
I feel about this whole thing,

captain, really.

Are you sure that
I am the captain?

Oh, absolutely.

Absolutely.

No doubt about it.

Did I make a fool out of
myself on this or what?

Do you want the truth, or
do you want to remain friends?

Gopher, I want
you to know that i'm

not holding you responsible
for any of your actions.

Thank you, sir.

Appreciate that.

But can you honestly
say that things

didn't run just a teeny bit
better when I was the captain?

Don't make me sorry that
we fished you out of the bay.

[Theme music]

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