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1
00:00:32,332 --> 00:00:33,692
Jordan, quit playing
and eat your breakfast.
2
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:37,027
Uncle Bernie, you have
to chew every bite 40 times.
3
00:00:37,038 --> 00:00:38,408
It's good for you.
4
00:00:38,489 --> 00:00:40,069
You ain't got
that kind of time. Now, swallow.
5
00:00:40,148 --> 00:00:41,528
Oh, hi.
Hey, babe.
6
00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:42,658
Good-bye.
7
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:43,834
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
8
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:46,201
Whoa, honey, hold on.
Come on, now.
9
00:00:46,279 --> 00:00:48,039
Sweetheart,
chew your food.
10
00:00:48,115 --> 00:00:49,915
40 times.
Hush.
11
00:00:49,991 --> 00:00:51,301
You're always
rushing out of here.
12
00:00:51,376 --> 00:00:52,626
Yesterday you rushed
out of here,
13
00:00:52,702 --> 00:00:54,212
you left an earring.
14
00:00:54,287 --> 00:00:55,797
The day before, you drove,
you had a curler in your hair.
15
00:00:55,881 --> 00:00:57,051
Let me check you out,
sweetheart.
16
00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:58,378
All right, honey.
17
00:00:58,458 --> 00:00:59,928
Come on, you got two earrings,
you got two shoes,
18
00:01:00,001 --> 00:01:02,511
no curler in your hair,
okay, you look good.
19
00:01:02,587 --> 00:01:04,607
Okay, thanks, baby.
See you, baby.
20
00:01:07,759 --> 00:01:09,739
Mm.
21
00:01:11,763 --> 00:01:13,563
Yo, baby, what'd you forget?
22
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,414
I forgot my bra!
23
00:01:16,476 --> 00:01:17,406
I could tell.
24
00:01:18,562 --> 00:01:19,542
Shut up.
25
00:01:21,064 --> 00:01:22,824
America, you see that?
26
00:01:22,899 --> 00:01:25,159
Wanda's job
got her rushing around.
27
00:01:25,235 --> 00:01:26,585
That's not my style.
28
00:01:26,662 --> 00:01:28,662
I like to take my time.
29
00:01:28,738 --> 00:01:30,458
For instance, I'm going on
30
00:01:30,532 --> 00:01:32,252
The Ellen DeGeneres Show
in a few days.
31
00:01:32,325 --> 00:01:35,035
Now, the trick to a great
talk show appearance
32
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,420
is having just
the right story to tell.
33
00:01:37,497 --> 00:01:39,887
My job is to make it look easy,
34
00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:42,217
but believe me, America,
it ain't.
35
00:01:42,228 --> 00:01:44,088
When I'm working
on new material,
36
00:01:44,105 --> 00:01:46,045
I have a routine
I like to follow.
37
00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:50,096
First, I start by setting up a
little reward system for myself.
38
00:01:50,177 --> 00:01:53,847
Today's sandwich
is ham and cheese.
39
00:01:53,930 --> 00:01:56,360
Next, I read the paper.
40
00:01:56,433 --> 00:01:58,733
It gets the blood pumping
through my brain.
41
00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:02,254
And I follow that up with
an inspirational movie,
42
00:02:02,322 --> 00:02:04,872
which gives me a warm,
tingling feeling inside.
43
00:02:04,941 --> 00:02:06,871
This feeling helps me create.
44
00:02:06,943 --> 00:02:10,753
(WHISTLING)
45
00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:13,832
Bam.
46
00:02:13,909 --> 00:02:15,629
Bam.
47
00:02:15,711 --> 00:02:17,431
Bam.
48
00:02:18,914 --> 00:02:20,854
Guess I'll start
with the sports.
49
00:02:22,584 --> 00:02:25,944
(CRYING)
50
00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:28,313
I love this part.
51
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:35,101
And finally, it's time to get
down to the nitty-gritty
52
00:02:35,180 --> 00:02:37,530
and put your thoughts on paper.
53
00:02:54,658 --> 00:02:58,288
Sometimes, if you take your
mind off the task at hand,
54
00:02:58,370 --> 00:03:01,880
take a little break,
come back to it,
55
00:03:01,957 --> 00:03:03,887
let it simmer,
sit for a while...
56
00:03:27,899 --> 00:03:29,199
BERNIE: You quit your job?
57
00:03:29,210 --> 00:03:30,830
It happened
so sudden like.
58
00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:32,036
It's almost
shocking.
59
00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:33,362
I know,
60
00:03:33,439 --> 00:03:35,459
but when they gave that
Spencer my promotion,
61
00:03:35,540 --> 00:03:38,000
a guy I trained that used
to get me coffee...
62
00:03:38,076 --> 00:03:39,956
Yeah, boy, that's some bull.
63
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:41,290
He a white guy?
64
00:03:41,371 --> 00:03:44,301
Oh,
I just snapped,
65
00:03:44,374 --> 00:03:46,094
and before I knew it,
66
00:03:46,167 --> 00:03:47,757
the words were already
out of my mouth.
67
00:03:47,836 --> 00:03:49,586
"I quit."
68
00:03:49,671 --> 00:03:51,481
Wow, well...
69
00:03:51,556 --> 00:03:54,016
Well, baby, let me
ask you something.
70
00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:55,731
Are you sure?
71
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,516
(CHUCKLES)
72
00:03:57,529 --> 00:03:58,479
No.
73
00:03:58,555 --> 00:04:00,645
But I gave them
eight years.
74
00:04:00,658 --> 00:04:01,858
I know.
75
00:04:01,933 --> 00:04:03,113
You know, eight years
76
00:04:03,184 --> 00:04:05,864
of being overworked
and underappreciated.
77
00:04:05,937 --> 00:04:07,497
That's far too long.
78
00:04:07,572 --> 00:04:10,072
I wasn't happy
anymore.
79
00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:11,320
Honey, I need
to be happy.
80
00:04:11,401 --> 00:04:12,831
I know, baby.
81
00:04:12,902 --> 00:04:14,202
Well, look.
82
00:04:14,279 --> 00:04:17,509
Here's to following
your bliss, okay?
83
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:19,365
Thank you.
84
00:04:19,451 --> 00:04:20,931
You're welcome.
85
00:04:22,245 --> 00:04:23,665
Mm, that's good.
86
00:04:23,747 --> 00:04:25,377
Yeah, it is.
87
00:04:25,457 --> 00:04:27,257
Want to know what the first
thing I'm going to do is?
88
00:04:27,334 --> 00:04:28,554
What's that, baby?
89
00:04:28,626 --> 00:04:30,046
Ooh, I'm going to get
out of these shoes.
90
00:04:30,062 --> 00:04:31,722
Well, come on,
get out of them.
91
00:04:31,796 --> 00:04:32,886
Ooh, ah...
92
00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:34,508
That feels good, don't it?
93
00:04:34,591 --> 00:04:36,221
Oh, ooh...
94
00:04:36,301 --> 00:04:38,281
Come on, come on,
sit up here with me.
95
00:04:41,264 --> 00:04:42,814
Ooh, could you
rub them?
96
00:04:42,891 --> 00:04:43,821
Yeah.
97
00:04:46,770 --> 00:04:48,240
You know...
98
00:04:48,313 --> 00:04:50,533
Now that's bliss,
honey. Thank you.
99
00:04:50,607 --> 00:04:51,727
Yeah.
100
00:04:51,809 --> 00:04:54,029
It might be kind of nice
having you around.
101
00:04:54,110 --> 00:04:56,910
Hey, cool bikes.
102
00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:58,912
I wish I had
a BMX.
103
00:04:58,924 --> 00:05:01,254
Check out his glasses
strapped to his head.
104
00:05:01,326 --> 00:05:03,586
Hey, Jordan,
come home.
105
00:05:03,595 --> 00:05:04,955
Why?
106
00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:06,928
Because Uncle Bernie says
107
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:09,557
it's time to put the cream
on your nipple rash.
108
00:05:11,252 --> 00:05:13,352
Yo, man.
You know her?
109
00:05:14,881 --> 00:05:16,221
She's hot.
110
00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:17,813
Vanessa?
111
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,058
That's my sister.
112
00:05:19,135 --> 00:05:20,385
I wouldn't mind
meeting her.
113
00:05:20,470 --> 00:05:23,480
Oh, she's not allowed
to have boys over.
114
00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:26,776
But, if you were my friends,
I could invite you over.
115
00:05:26,851 --> 00:05:28,941
See? I could tell we'd be
friends right off the bat.
116
00:05:29,020 --> 00:05:30,860
What's you name, anyway?
117
00:05:30,939 --> 00:05:31,989
Jordan.
118
00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:33,835
Yo, you should hang with us, J.
119
00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:37,337
Well, if I'm really your friend,
you'd let me ride your bike.
120
00:05:48,373 --> 00:05:50,143
Big day today, America.
121
00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:51,717
Got a lot of work to do.
122
00:05:51,793 --> 00:05:53,973
Time to get the train rolling.
123
00:05:54,045 --> 00:05:56,675
Today's selection,
How Green Was My Valley,
124
00:05:56,756 --> 00:05:59,766
with Maureen O'Hara
and Roddy McDowall.
125
00:05:59,843 --> 00:06:01,303
And roast beef.
126
00:06:01,378 --> 00:06:06,028
Where I come from, America,
they call this a "sam-ich."
127
00:06:09,060 --> 00:06:10,110
(SNAPS FINGERS)
128
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,830
Dang.
129
00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:34,102
Oh, hi, baby.
130
00:06:35,262 --> 00:06:37,732
I was sitting there.
Oh...
131
00:06:38,339 --> 00:06:40,429
That's my drink.
132
00:06:40,508 --> 00:06:43,478
I know, I just need to, um...
Wash my sandwich down.
133
00:06:43,553 --> 00:06:45,813
Mm, it is so good.
134
00:06:45,889 --> 00:06:48,729
Wanda, that's my sandwich.
Don't worry.
135
00:06:48,808 --> 00:06:50,898
There's, like, three more
in the fridge just like it.
136
00:06:50,977 --> 00:06:53,357
But, baby, I had four
to help me work.
137
00:06:53,438 --> 00:06:56,198
Doesn't look like
you're working to me.
138
00:06:56,208 --> 00:07:00,748
I mean, look, you got the movie,
you got the newspaper, please.
139
00:07:01,404 --> 00:07:03,964
Who you trying
to fool?
140
00:07:04,791 --> 00:07:06,251
Okay, honey, you know what?
141
00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:07,496
Just come here.
142
00:07:07,577 --> 00:07:11,377
Sit right here and, um,
read the paper with me.
143
00:07:11,456 --> 00:07:13,096
Come on and chill-ax.
144
00:07:15,502 --> 00:07:16,732
"Chill-ax."
145
00:07:16,803 --> 00:07:18,393
How am I supposed to chill-ax?
146
00:07:18,463 --> 00:07:19,853
Baby girl makes less mess.
147
00:07:19,923 --> 00:07:22,523
She handles the paper
like she got hooves.
148
00:07:22,592 --> 00:07:24,942
That was my sammy, dammy.
149
00:07:34,729 --> 00:07:36,959
Hey, Vanessa,
this is my friend Rich.
150
00:07:37,032 --> 00:07:38,622
What's up, ma.
151
00:07:38,691 --> 00:07:40,161
Hey.
152
00:07:40,235 --> 00:07:41,375
What you reading?
153
00:07:41,453 --> 00:07:43,083
Sula
by Toni Morrison.
154
00:07:43,154 --> 00:07:44,504
You like to read?
155
00:07:44,581 --> 00:07:45,591
Nah.
156
00:07:49,577 --> 00:07:51,637
So, it's warm
out here.
157
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:56,643
Ah...
158
00:07:57,594 --> 00:07:58,674
Yeah...
159
00:07:58,745 --> 00:08:01,255
Um, what,
what was your name again?
160
00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:02,803
Oh, Rich, but, uh,
you know,
161
00:08:02,874 --> 00:08:04,604
I was working out over
the summer and everything,
162
00:08:04,676 --> 00:08:08,136
so my friends
started to call me Diesel.
163
00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:10,491
Oh, well, um, Diesel.
164
00:08:10,565 --> 00:08:11,905
Yeah?
Could you possibly
165
00:08:11,983 --> 00:08:15,373
sit somewhere else,
'cause you're blocking my sun.
166
00:08:16,312 --> 00:08:17,952
Sure, no problem.
167
00:08:21,192 --> 00:08:22,502
That's it?
168
00:08:22,577 --> 00:08:24,287
Man, I gave you my
best baseball card.
169
00:08:24,371 --> 00:08:26,201
Hey, all I can do
is get you in the door.
170
00:08:26,281 --> 00:08:28,341
The rest is up to you.
171
00:08:34,872 --> 00:08:36,972
Honey.
Hmm?
172
00:08:36,975 --> 00:08:38,295
I made this for you.
173
00:08:38,376 --> 00:08:39,966
It's an idea board.
174
00:08:40,044 --> 00:08:41,274
I got an idea.
175
00:08:41,346 --> 00:08:43,896
Here's how it goes.
You put your rough ideas here
176
00:08:43,974 --> 00:08:45,064
in this column,
177
00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:46,863
and then you refine
the ones you like
178
00:08:46,935 --> 00:08:48,475
and then you
put them here.
179
00:08:48,553 --> 00:08:51,063
Then if they make
the final cut,
180
00:08:51,139 --> 00:08:54,399
bam, good old
column three.
181
00:08:54,475 --> 00:08:56,365
(CHUCKLING)
182
00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,105
You like it?
183
00:08:58,187 --> 00:08:59,657
You think
I don't?
184
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,160
Baby, you're
a winner, baby.
185
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,077
Honey, it really
works.
186
00:09:04,152 --> 00:09:07,002
(LAUGHING)
187
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,920
That's cute.
188
00:09:10,241 --> 00:09:11,681
Cute's for monkeys.
189
00:09:13,202 --> 00:09:14,842
This is a very
effective technique
190
00:09:14,912 --> 00:09:17,172
that you should implement
into your system.
191
00:09:17,248 --> 00:09:19,348
The lack thereof.
192
00:09:20,543 --> 00:09:22,513
She's got to go.
193
00:09:22,587 --> 00:09:25,387
America, the woman
just can't stop working.
194
00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:26,919
See, she quit her job
195
00:09:26,991 --> 00:09:29,181
and now she's tying
to tell me how to do mine.
196
00:09:29,260 --> 00:09:31,270
If Wanda and I
are going to coexist
197
00:09:31,346 --> 00:09:32,566
peacefully in this house,
198
00:09:32,647 --> 00:09:34,767
I have to set up
some guidelines.
199
00:09:34,849 --> 00:09:37,829
May I direct you to my baby's
so called idea board?
200
00:09:37,902 --> 00:09:39,112
Look at this.
201
00:09:39,187 --> 00:09:40,987
But I've changed it
and made one of my own.
202
00:09:41,064 --> 00:09:42,624
Number one. Rule number one.
203
00:09:42,699 --> 00:09:44,819
Pay attention,
you'll learn something.
204
00:09:44,901 --> 00:09:46,251
Rule number one...
205
00:09:46,328 --> 00:09:48,618
Do not tell me how
and when to work.
206
00:09:48,696 --> 00:09:50,706
That's very important.
207
00:09:50,782 --> 00:09:53,082
Rule number two...
Do not drink my pop.
208
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:56,093
You all saw her drinking my pop,
over and over again.
209
00:09:56,162 --> 00:09:57,302
Number three...
210
00:09:57,372 --> 00:09:59,172
Do not eat my sandwiches.
211
00:09:59,248 --> 00:10:01,008
And I repeat, do not...
212
00:10:01,084 --> 00:10:02,344
Hey, Bernie,
how's it going?
213
00:10:02,418 --> 00:10:04,338
Hey, Ellen,
how you doing? I'm good.
214
00:10:04,420 --> 00:10:05,390
Ladies and gentle,
Ellen DeGeneres.
215
00:10:05,463 --> 00:10:06,553
You all know her.
216
00:10:06,631 --> 00:10:08,221
Oh, hey,
how you doing?
217
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:09,773
Uh, what's going on?
218
00:10:09,842 --> 00:10:12,312
Is this your thing you're
going to do on the show?
219
00:10:12,387 --> 00:10:14,097
No, no, this is,
my wife put together.
220
00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:15,230
You know me better
than that.
221
00:10:15,306 --> 00:10:16,896
You know, I do
a little something.
222
00:10:16,974 --> 00:10:18,324
Sure.
223
00:10:18,393 --> 00:10:19,573
You know what I was
thinking you might do,
224
00:10:19,644 --> 00:10:21,444
'cause I'm not going
to do anything with it?
225
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:23,395
People say "koo-pon,"
or some people say "que-pon."
226
00:10:23,481 --> 00:10:25,911
And it's, I don't know
if that's anything.
227
00:10:25,983 --> 00:10:27,203
You could do "koo-pon,"
or "que-pon."
228
00:10:27,276 --> 00:10:28,826
I don't know
if that...
229
00:10:28,903 --> 00:10:30,453
It's not too European,
it's not too...
230
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:31,954
I don't know, I mean,
it's just something...
231
00:10:32,031 --> 00:10:34,171
'Cause that doesn't seem real
funny right there, so...
232
00:10:34,242 --> 00:10:36,382
Well, no,
it's not funny.
233
00:10:36,452 --> 00:10:38,092
It's not, because it's
hard for me to be funny
234
00:10:38,162 --> 00:10:40,302
because Wanda, she's all,
got me all clogged up.
235
00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:41,633
She's all in my mix
right now.
236
00:10:41,708 --> 00:10:43,168
You know how
comics work.
237
00:10:43,251 --> 00:10:44,841
I'm sorry that she's
got you clogged.
238
00:10:44,919 --> 00:10:46,049
Yeah, yeah.
239
00:10:46,129 --> 00:10:47,179
WANDA:
Bernie?
240
00:10:47,255 --> 00:10:48,435
See what I'm
saying, Ellen?
241
00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:49,895
Hold this
and talk to
242
00:10:49,974 --> 00:10:51,604
America, she's going to
talk to you for a minute.
243
00:10:51,676 --> 00:10:54,266
I'll be...
Yeah, baby? Yeah?
244
00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:55,649
Yeah?
245
00:10:58,057 --> 00:11:00,477
Hey. America.
246
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,490
How are you?
247
00:11:04,939 --> 00:11:06,459
Hello, America.
248
00:11:07,483 --> 00:11:08,623
I don't know how to leave.
249
00:11:08,693 --> 00:11:11,373
I guess I just talk to you
until...
250
00:11:11,446 --> 00:11:13,916
I guess he's talking to Wanda.
251
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:17,001
America...
252
00:11:17,076 --> 00:11:18,176
We need to talk.
253
00:11:18,253 --> 00:11:20,933
Okay, but first,
let's eat.
254
00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:23,131
What's all this?
255
00:11:23,207 --> 00:11:25,087
Lunch.
256
00:11:25,168 --> 00:11:27,638
But, baby, I'm...
Well, I count five courses.
257
00:11:27,712 --> 00:11:29,012
Oh, well, you know how I get.
258
00:11:29,088 --> 00:11:31,758
I had to channel
that work energy somehow.
259
00:11:31,841 --> 00:11:33,151
Sit.
260
00:11:37,722 --> 00:11:38,902
Baby, I'm going to need
261
00:11:38,973 --> 00:11:40,743
a oyster spoon
and some hot sauce.
262
00:11:40,817 --> 00:11:43,107
I guess I did get
carried away.
263
00:11:43,186 --> 00:11:44,616
Hot sauce.
264
00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,043
Couple of things, America.
265
00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:52,499
I...
266
00:11:54,256 --> 00:11:55,786
Hey, Bernie.
267
00:11:55,865 --> 00:11:56,965
Hey, Ellen.
268
00:11:57,041 --> 00:11:58,341
I was just, uh,
269
00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,828
America was still here
when you walked out,
270
00:11:59,911 --> 00:12:01,501
and I, I thought I'd
talk to them some...
271
00:12:01,579 --> 00:12:02,999
You, you can
talk to America.
272
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:04,630
No, no, I'm going to...
I'm going to go.
273
00:12:04,707 --> 00:12:06,167
Hey, I'll see you on the show.
274
00:12:06,250 --> 00:12:07,340
Look forward
to seeing you.
275
00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:08,892
Yeah, Ellen.
All right.
276
00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:15,101
See, I got make some more rules.
277
00:12:15,176 --> 00:12:19,016
Rule number four:
don't sit in my chair.
278
00:12:19,096 --> 00:12:20,736
(KNOCKING)
279
00:12:22,016 --> 00:12:23,686
This had better be worth it.
Oh, it is.
280
00:12:23,768 --> 00:12:26,438
It's my sister and her friend,
281
00:12:26,521 --> 00:12:28,201
and she's a cheerleader.
282
00:12:31,025 --> 00:12:32,205
(SCOFFS)
283
00:12:42,245 --> 00:12:44,045
(TELEVISION PLAYING)
284
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:47,800
Diesel, is that you?
285
00:12:47,875 --> 00:12:49,305
Uh...
286
00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:51,730
Hi, Vanessa.
287
00:12:53,348 --> 00:12:55,008
Um, is the one with the really
288
00:12:55,091 --> 00:12:58,561
cute body that you
were telling me about?
289
00:12:58,570 --> 00:13:01,030
Hey, why don't you
come sit down?
290
00:13:06,110 --> 00:13:08,080
No... closer.
291
00:13:13,734 --> 00:13:16,094
Who's your, um...
really hot friend?
292
00:13:17,071 --> 00:13:18,331
Yeah.
293
00:13:18,406 --> 00:13:22,706
Um... K... K... Kenny.
294
00:13:22,785 --> 00:13:26,755
Well, hey, K-dog,
why don't you sit right here?
295
00:13:30,084 --> 00:13:31,234
You know, um,
296
00:13:31,302 --> 00:13:33,392
we were waiting for
our boyfriends,
297
00:13:33,462 --> 00:13:35,142
but they couldn't make it,
298
00:13:35,214 --> 00:13:38,984
so do you think you guys
could, um, take us out?
299
00:13:39,051 --> 00:13:40,141
Yeah.
300
00:13:40,219 --> 00:13:41,279
(MOUTHING NO)
301
00:13:43,347 --> 00:13:44,437
Oh, I-I...
302
00:13:44,515 --> 00:13:46,565
Great.
303
00:13:46,642 --> 00:13:50,652
But, uh, first we
have to make sure you're good kissers.
304
00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:53,120
Oh, yeah.
305
00:13:55,234 --> 00:13:57,954
We'd love to,
but, uh...
306
00:13:58,029 --> 00:13:59,299
We have go finish our homework.
307
00:14:01,291 --> 00:14:03,301
(LAUGHING)
308
00:14:08,372 --> 00:14:10,422
Okay, so I overreacted
a little.
309
00:14:10,499 --> 00:14:13,099
Having them around
isn't all bad.
310
00:14:15,671 --> 00:14:19,431
♪ Doesn't take muchto make me happy ♪
311
00:14:19,508 --> 00:14:23,848
♪ And make me smile with glee ♪
312
00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:27,770
♪ Never, neverwill I feel discouraged ♪
313
00:14:27,850 --> 00:14:31,240
♪ 'Cause our love'sno mystery ♪
314
00:14:31,321 --> 00:14:35,621
♪ Demonstratinglove and affection ♪
315
00:14:35,691 --> 00:14:39,831
♪ That you giveso openly, yeah ♪
316
00:14:39,904 --> 00:14:44,884
♪ I like the wayit makes me feel... ♪
317
00:14:44,959 --> 00:14:46,129
Hey, what do you think about
318
00:14:46,210 --> 00:14:47,750
The Ellen DeGeneresShow right here?
319
00:14:47,828 --> 00:14:51,708
Mmm... I was thinking about
something a little more...
320
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,341
funkier, you know.
321
00:14:53,417 --> 00:14:55,227
Something like... like this.
322
00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:00,471
Oh, that's nice.
Real nice. Yeah.
323
00:15:00,549 --> 00:15:02,479
With a nice little jacket.
324
00:15:02,551 --> 00:15:04,691
Yes.
All right.
325
00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,306
Okay, good.
326
00:15:06,389 --> 00:15:09,979
Honey, what do you
think about me starting my, uh,
327
00:15:10,059 --> 00:15:11,309
my own business?
328
00:15:11,386 --> 00:15:14,146
Oh, you talking about
going back to work already?
329
00:15:14,230 --> 00:15:16,320
You only been unemployed
for a minute.
330
00:15:16,399 --> 00:15:19,369
I mean, we still got a lot
of baths to take, baby.
331
00:15:19,443 --> 00:15:20,703
I know.
332
00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:22,372
But you were
right, you know?
333
00:15:22,446 --> 00:15:23,536
I'm... I don't do good
334
00:15:23,614 --> 00:15:25,414
with being off and
I get a little antsy.
335
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,715
Besides, I know I
can get more clients
336
00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:29,544
than I can possibly handle.
337
00:15:29,620 --> 00:15:30,930
I just need an office.
338
00:15:31,005 --> 00:15:32,545
What you need an office for?
339
00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:34,417
You can work in the den.
340
00:15:34,225 --> 00:15:37,295
Get you and desk,
we'll work side-by-side like Whitney and Bobby.
341
00:15:37,378 --> 00:15:38,678
Ooh.
342
00:15:38,754 --> 00:15:42,184
I got you some
strawberry margarita
343
00:15:42,258 --> 00:15:44,388
for a soul sister-rita.
Here you go.
344
00:15:44,468 --> 00:15:45,898
Uh, honey, I'm working.
345
00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:48,189
I need to contact
my old clients to test the waters.
346
00:15:48,264 --> 00:15:51,494
Come on, let's test the water
in the Jacuzzi, baby, come on.
347
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:52,857
I'm sorry, baby,
I'm busy.
348
00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:55,189
Come on, baby, today
On Golden Pond.
349
00:15:55,271 --> 00:15:56,361
Come on, Wanda.
350
00:15:56,439 --> 00:15:58,409
Bernie, if I'm
gonna work from home
351
00:15:58,482 --> 00:16:00,412
we have to have
some guidelines.
352
00:16:00,484 --> 00:16:02,914
Okay.
Okay, number one:
353
00:16:02,987 --> 00:16:05,447
please don't interrupt
me while I'm working.
354
00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:10,541
And two: please don't bring
alcohol while I'm working.
355
00:16:10,619 --> 00:16:13,879
How come when I work and she
can come and rip my clothes off,
356
00:16:13,956 --> 00:16:16,836
but when she's working,
it's serious business?
357
00:16:16,917 --> 00:16:19,257
Treat me like
I'm a piece of meat.
358
00:16:19,270 --> 00:16:23,860
America, player to player,
I feel cheap.
359
00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:28,068
So, uh, what happened
with Vanessa?
360
00:16:28,846 --> 00:16:30,226
Ah, I wasn't
feeling her no more.
361
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,230
Plus, she not even
that cute close up.
362
00:16:32,308 --> 00:16:33,438
Yeah.
Yeah.
363
00:16:33,517 --> 00:16:35,107
Shut up.
That's my sister.
364
00:16:35,186 --> 00:16:37,316
Yeah, if she would have
played her cards right,
365
00:16:37,396 --> 00:16:38,566
I'd be your brother-in-law.
366
00:16:38,647 --> 00:16:41,367
Except she doesn't like
mental patients.
367
00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:42,486
You want to
read a book?
368
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:43,912
Oh, what's a book?
369
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,370
Oh, you want to kiss?
370
00:16:45,446 --> 00:16:47,126
No, no, I'm scared.
371
00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:50,076
Kindergarten: longest
three years of your life.
372
00:16:50,159 --> 00:16:51,509
(LAUGHING)
373
00:16:51,586 --> 00:16:53,386
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
374
00:16:53,463 --> 00:16:54,473
Let me go. Ow!
375
00:16:57,792 --> 00:16:59,932
(SNIFFING)
376
00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:02,136
Baby, you stopped up?
377
00:17:02,213 --> 00:17:03,443
No.
378
00:17:08,260 --> 00:17:10,900
(CLICKING)
379
00:17:12,431 --> 00:17:14,071
Wanda, please.
380
00:17:14,141 --> 00:17:15,481
What?
381
00:17:15,559 --> 00:17:18,109
I can't concentrate
with you making all that noise.
382
00:17:18,187 --> 00:17:19,867
Thank you.
383
00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:35,248
Come on, now, Wanda.
384
00:17:35,329 --> 00:17:37,129
Honey,
I'm just opening a letter.
385
00:17:37,206 --> 00:17:39,126
Well, a loud-ass person
must have sent it
386
00:17:39,142 --> 00:17:40,672
because that's
some loud-ass mail.
387
00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:42,925
Look, let me
get out of here.
388
00:17:43,003 --> 00:17:44,553
I-I can't concentrate.
389
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:45,980
(SIGHING)
390
00:17:49,718 --> 00:17:52,948
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
391
00:17:53,022 --> 00:17:56,442
Baby, whatcha gonna do,
follow me from room to room making all that noise?
392
00:17:56,517 --> 00:17:58,817
What are you talking about?
You're the one that said I could work in your den.
393
00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:02,108
That's before I knew
you made more sound than a 50-piece orchestra.
394
00:18:02,189 --> 00:18:04,699
Where you pick up
that Tourette's from, huh?
395
00:18:04,775 --> 00:18:06,865
That snort, snort, click, click,
honk, honk.
396
00:18:06,878 --> 00:18:08,378
I can't work like that.
397
00:18:08,454 --> 00:18:10,164
You are such a baby.
398
00:18:10,239 --> 00:18:12,719
Sweetheart, I'm sitting on the
couch with Ellen in two hours.
399
00:18:12,792 --> 00:18:14,882
I got to get my thoughts
together, okay?
400
00:18:15,953 --> 00:18:18,673
Oh... I see.
401
00:18:18,747 --> 00:18:21,127
So, uh, when I'm cooking
or rubbing your back
402
00:18:21,208 --> 00:18:22,848
you don't have any trouble in
getting your thoughts together?
403
00:18:22,927 --> 00:18:24,887
I didn't say that.
Yes, you did.
404
00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:26,061
So now that I'm busy
405
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:27,679
you want to act
like a spoiled brat.
406
00:18:27,756 --> 00:18:28,806
I do not.
407
00:18:28,883 --> 00:18:30,353
You know what? Whatever.
408
00:18:30,426 --> 00:18:32,806
First thing tomorrow
I'll go get my own space.
409
00:18:32,887 --> 00:18:34,647
Why do you got to wait?
Why don't you do it now?
410
00:18:34,722 --> 00:18:36,362
Why don't you read through
the paper, the classified,
411
00:18:36,432 --> 00:18:38,522
if you can get through
all the mayonnaise.
412
00:18:38,601 --> 00:18:40,731
Seriously, so why can't you
413
00:18:40,811 --> 00:18:42,991
just stay out ofeach other's way?
414
00:18:43,063 --> 00:18:44,993
I mean, you're a man of...you got the dough now.
415
00:18:45,065 --> 00:18:46,915
You have a big... you gotto have a huge house.
416
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,243
BERNIE:
You know Wanda,
417
00:18:48,319 --> 00:18:49,989
she just doesn't understandhow it works.
418
00:18:50,070 --> 00:18:51,700
Comedians,we work different.
419
00:18:51,780 --> 00:18:53,210
You know that.
I know that.
420
00:18:53,282 --> 00:18:55,372
You know, I work
when I'm napping. Sure.
421
00:18:55,451 --> 00:18:57,381
That's when my jokes
are percolating.
422
00:18:57,453 --> 00:18:58,713
That's right.
423
00:18:58,787 --> 00:18:59,837
How could she not
understand that?
424
00:18:59,914 --> 00:19:01,484
It wasn't always like that.
425
00:19:01,391 --> 00:19:04,051
She used to pick my clothes
up when I was doing the clubs.
426
00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:05,720
She used to come there
and watch me.
427
00:19:05,794 --> 00:19:07,604
Before we got married
we had fun.
428
00:19:07,671 --> 00:19:11,771
Now, seem like everythingis just being on hold now.
429
00:19:11,842 --> 00:19:13,652
You know, I should have
married a white woman.
430
00:19:15,179 --> 00:19:16,729
You know, I remember
we was struggling,
431
00:19:16,805 --> 00:19:17,975
we had a couch, Ellen.
432
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:20,857
We didn't have much,
but that couch was ours.
433
00:19:20,935 --> 00:19:23,315
I remember that couch.
We even played.
434
00:19:23,395 --> 00:19:24,395
Yeah?
435
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:25,660
Personal play.
436
00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:28,290
(LAUGHING)
437
00:19:30,653 --> 00:19:31,663
Yuck.
438
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,501
Yeah. Time for bed.
439
00:19:33,572 --> 00:19:35,752
That's when I was younger,you know.
440
00:19:35,824 --> 00:19:37,254
That's when I was younger.
441
00:19:37,326 --> 00:19:39,376
You know,we just sleep on it now.
442
00:19:39,453 --> 00:19:40,593
Big difference.
443
00:19:40,663 --> 00:19:42,093
Boy, Wanda was really there
for me.
444
00:19:42,164 --> 00:19:43,764
I mean, we just sit on the couch
445
00:19:43,832 --> 00:19:45,262
and we shared
each other's dreams.
446
00:19:45,334 --> 00:19:47,554
She used to tell me about
how she wanted to be president
447
00:19:47,628 --> 00:19:49,528
of a Fortune 500 company.
448
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:52,845
And I would always tell her how
I want to be a famous comedian.
449
00:19:52,925 --> 00:19:55,175
I miss those days, Ellen.
450
00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:57,275
Me, too.
451
00:20:03,102 --> 00:20:04,782
I brought you some margaritas.
452
00:20:04,853 --> 00:20:06,953
So you're not mad at me anymore?
No.
453
00:20:07,022 --> 00:20:10,702
Now that I know why
you were acting like a baby.
454
00:20:10,776 --> 00:20:12,906
I miss you, too.
455
00:20:12,987 --> 00:20:15,297
Just let me know
when you need some attention.
456
00:20:18,042 --> 00:20:19,332
Thank you, baby.
457
00:20:19,410 --> 00:20:20,630
You're welcome.
458
00:20:20,703 --> 00:20:22,293
Like old times.
459
00:20:22,371 --> 00:20:23,631
Yeah.
460
00:20:23,706 --> 00:20:25,156
Ooh.
461
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:27,301
Guess who got a call today
from West Coast Wireless?
462
00:20:27,376 --> 00:20:29,346
Who could that be?
That'd be me.
463
00:20:29,428 --> 00:20:31,798
Seems like someone's presence
is sorely missed
464
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:32,930
and they want me
465
00:20:33,007 --> 00:20:34,717
to hear their proposal
in the morning.
466
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,060
What'd you say, baby?
467
00:20:36,135 --> 00:20:38,185
Mmm. I told them I was deaf
468
00:20:38,196 --> 00:20:41,806
unless it include
Senior V.P. and all the perks.
469
00:20:41,890 --> 00:20:43,620
They didn't blink.
470
00:20:43,693 --> 00:20:44,943
Congratulations, sweetheart.
471
00:20:45,019 --> 00:20:46,359
Thank you, honey.
472
00:20:46,437 --> 00:20:48,777
Mmm, baby.
473
00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:50,026
Hmm?
474
00:20:50,107 --> 00:20:51,247
Can I have some attention?
475
00:20:53,027 --> 00:20:54,337
Yeah.
476
00:21:00,075 --> 00:21:01,675
Slide back, woman.
477
00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:08,313
Okay.
478
00:21:10,044 --> 00:21:12,684
All around.
479
00:21:12,755 --> 00:21:15,175
Oh, that's the best.
Mmm-hmm.
480
00:21:15,257 --> 00:21:18,227
Oh, that's the best.
You been walking a long time?
481
00:21:18,311 --> 00:21:21,061
Just like
Harriet Tubman.
482
00:21:21,072 --> 00:21:23,782
Just like her.
483
00:21:25,601 --> 00:21:27,371
Just
like her.
484
00:21:28,812 --> 00:21:30,322
What that mean?
485
00:21:30,397 --> 00:21:32,037
What?
486
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,530
What you smelling?
487
00:21:35,611 --> 00:21:36,711
You feel light-headed?
488
00:21:36,761 --> 00:21:41,311
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