All language subtitles for The Bernie Mac Show s02e15 Pink Gold.eng

America, let's talk.

Now, Bernie Mac knows
it's been a while

since he said
he's gonna kill those kids,

and over the past two years,
I've had reason and opportunity,

but I've also learned
what every parent

and every good husband knows--

that you just
got to let things go.

You don't hold it in, America.

You let it go.

(plate shattering)

I don't hear anybody crying,
America,

so I'm letting it go.

JORDAN:
Ow! Ow!

Probably just overreacting,
America.

No blood, no harm,
so I'm letting it go.

I'm bleeding!

All right, America,
I'm going to handle this calmly,

then I'm going to let it go.

Jordan?! You better not be
getting no blood on my dishrag!

The boy bleeds
like a white boxer.

Thank you.

Look, Uncle Bernie,

they have Nit Wit dolls
over there.

Can I go get one?

(kids coughing)

Uh-uh, uh-uh,
look, uh, baby girl,

see that line?

Those sick people
on that side.

You don't want
to go over there.

See, you're just
here for a checkup.

That's a Sick Wit doll.

Here... look at
this Home Decor.

You read that.

Look, Uncle Bernie,

it's Chris Rock!

Hey-hey, Rock.

Hey, Bernie Mac!

You know Chris Rock?!

Yeah, I know him.

Mac, man, it's been a long time.

Has it?
Yeah,

look at you--
you got two kids now.

Yeah, well, I mean, yeah,

they're my sister kids, though.

Oh, those the crack babies.

I thought that
was just part of your act.

Hey, what's up,

Cracky?

Remember, now,
crack is whack.

So, who you here to see--
Dr. Fisher or Dr. Cohart?

Well, we here to see Dr. Cohart.

This brother here, he's a biter.

See the beaver teeth?

They cut
through metal.

The last time I
brought him here,

Dr. Cohart gave him a shot,
he bit Dr. Cohart,

and Dr. Cohart
had to shoot hisself.

(laughing)

Give himself a shot--
that's crazy.

Excuse me, Mr. Rock?

Dr. Cohart will see you now.

Take care, Mac.

Yeah.

Uh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

We was here first.

How he go in front of us?

(giggling)
He's Chris Rock.

Ain't that a...

Chris Rock.

(kids coughing)

Hey, baby girl,

come from over there.

Come here.

Damn that Chris Rock!

How's he just gonna walk in
and steal my place in line?

And who the hell is that nurse?

"Oh, he can go ahead.

He's Chris Rock."

Ha. That's not the only thing
he stole of mine.

But I'm not going
to go into it right now.

I'm just going to let it go.

But I tell you this much,
America.

We're both comedians,
and we both do jokes.

Now, y'all figure it out.

BRYANA:
Uncle Bernie, I can't see.

This is conjunctivitis.

This is easy to spread,

so we have to wipe down
everything she touches.

Uncle Bernie, I
have a pink eye.

Don't touch me
right now, okay?

Bernie...

No, no, baby,
I got a poker game tonight.

You know, and plus,
look at that.

I ain't never seen nothing
looked that doggone nasty in my life.

Well, you were the
one watching her.

It's Chris Rock fault.

He distracted me

with that coming back
into my life routine.

If he hadn't done that,
she wouldn't be going blind.

I'm blind?!
Not yet. No...

Baby girl, don't touch...

I don't, I don't mean it
like that,

but don't touch me.

JERRY:
Hey-hey-hey.

I took a chance you'd
be at home and look at this.

Come on, you want to play?
Sit in.

No, I'm working
for you.

-Yeah.
-You know how I sometimes

just like to do it?

Well, I got
a surprise for you.

-Whatcha got?
-He's only one of the biggest stars in Hollywood.

Come on in, Chris.

Ah, come on, Jerry,

you didn't have to say
all of that.

You ain't tell us Chris
Rock was swinging by, man!

What's up?

I'm Kelly, man.

Big fan, man, big fan!

What's up, man? W.B., man.

You know, you don't look
that skinny on TV, player.

Hey, man, I loved you
in The Green Mile.

(laughter)
The Green Mile!

What's up, man?
Chuy, man.

I love Pootie Tang!

Oh, so,

you the one that saw it, huh?

My mother
didn't see that one.

(laughing)
Oh, he quick!

He quick, man,
he quick!

Hey, uh, well,
why don't y'all deal him in

if you want to play, man?

I'm going to get
some cold beer for everybody.

Hey, Jer, why don't you meet me
in the kitchen,

help me with the beers?

What's up?

Come here, man.

Jerry, what the
hell you doing

bringing Chris into
my house, man?

What?
Bernie, we were talking.

Your name came up,
he said you were brilliant,

I agreed.

Then I told him
about the poker game,

and here we are cool kickin' it.

Man, me and Chris...

Are going to be cohosting

the Urban Image Awards together.

And you know what?
Don't thank me.

What?
Oh yeah, the UIAs.

Oh, Bernie,
it's a hot new awards show.

It's very noble.
What they do is

they give props
to a lot of little poor kids

who rise
above their surroundings.

(guys laughing)

KELLY:
Oh, man, you funny, man!

I'm a big fan, man,
big fan!

Jerry, you had no right.

You should have checked
with me first, man.

Bernie, come on.

I'm telling you,
this is very important.

You want to do this.

We're gonna get a Tonight Show
spot out of this.

(laughing)
Oh! Oh, you funny, man!

Brilliant.

Oh, man,
you missed it, man.

Funniest stuff I ever heard
in my life.

He was talking
about when he was

at the clinic
earlier today, right?

And how his kid's
got these nasty little beaver teeth.

Little Beaver teeth?

Cut right
through metal.

They cut through metal.

And-and-and
the doctor

gave his kid a shot.

And Dr. Cohart gave him a shot?

And the kid bit him,

and then the doctor had
to give himself a shot!

He bit Dr. Cohart,

and Dr. Cohart
had to shoot hisself.

Genius!

I don't know where you come up
with this stuff, man.

Oh, yeah, he know
where he come up with it.

He get it from me.

What are you talking about?

Chris, you know damn well
what I mean, man.

Was at the doctor's office
earlier, man.

All that stuff I was saying.

Yeah, we had a few laughs
at the doctor's office,

but I don't remember
who said what.

I wasn't counting, you know?

No, no,
you never do.

That's funny, you never do
remember nothing,

but I guess a leopard
don't change his spots,

huh, skunk?

Spots? Skunk?

Skunks don't have spots.

W-w... okay,
what are you trying to say?

Bernie, you need to relax, okay?

Get out of my house, Chris.

All right.

So it's like
that, all right?

I'm out.

Yeah, that's
my line, too.

Is this your walk?

Want me to give it back?

Best move
on, Chris.

Uh...

am I missing
the joke?

You know something?

You're making my job
very hard, okay?

I mean, this is...

so un-dope.

Yeah, earn your keep.

I-I-I thought
he was funny.

Yeah,
I know you did.

Wipe your mouth off.

What's that?
Ass.

(laughter)

Now, that's funny.

Okay, Bern, everybody's gone.

You want to tell me what
that was all about?

Yeah, I'll tell you
what it's all about.

It's about
that doggone Chris Rock.

He's a joke thief.

(chuckles)

Y-You're joking, right?

Look like I'm joking, Jerry?

I'm serious.

It happened
a long time ago.

It was at Mr. Laugh.

I remember it
like it was yesterday,

and that thieving son of a...

Hey, Chris, there's
too much weave

in here for me.

Loot at this, got so much
horsehair in her doggone hair

I could still see
the jockey boot

where he be kicking
upside the head.

Ah, you funny, man.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together
for Chris Rock!

Go on and get it, man.

Tear it down, man.

I'm behind you, man.

Whatever you leave,
I'll pick up.

(chuckling)

All right! Hey!

Boy, sure is a lot
of hair weaves in here tonight.

(laughter)

(laughing)

Boy, you got so much horsehair
in your weave,

I can see the mark
on the side of your head

where the jockey
was kicking you.

Jockey was kicking you!

(chuckling)
(crowd laughing)

I don't know what you're doing
with that drink.

You need some oats.

(laughing)

Man, Rock
is hilarious.

I don't know how
he comes up with stuff like that.

He doesn't.

Okay, just wait,
just wait a second.

So, let me just
get this straight.

You want me to take you
out of the award show?

Right.

Right. 'Cause
I'm your manager,

so, whatever you
want, it's done.

Cool; pull me.

Pull...?

Good, you're out.

-Thank you.
-Yup, no problem here.

I mean, we're not
even going to worry about the backlash.

The backlash?

Yeah, look,
Bernie,

no offense,
but your peeps--

they can be
very particular.

My peeps?
I mean, look, as you well know,

they can be
a very fickle crowd.

Do you remember
how they booed Whitney?

And I-I'm just worried
that if you're not there,

people might take that
the wrong way

and turn against you.

Ain't nobody
gonna turn against me, Jerry.

And I ain't got nothing
to do with Whitney.

No, no, no, no,
of course not. Of course not.

So, you know what
we're gonna do?

we're just going
to keep this on the down-low,

and your peeps,
they won't even worry about it.

I can't understand you no more,
Jerry.

"The peeps" and "down-low."

Man, talk to me
like a white man.

It is bad PR for you
if you do not do it.

Why didn't you
just say that, Jerry?

All right, then, I'll do it.

Good. Peace, out.

Do you feel better?

Mm-hmm.
Good.

She gets to miss
another day of school?

Uh, yes, Jordan.

Her pinkeye is
still contagious.

I have the eyesight of a mole,

and you make me go to school
every day.

That's right, so
you better get a move on, Mr. Mole.

And I'll get you
a washcloth

and clean out
your sleepy little peepers.

It looks gross,
but does it hurt?

No.

Not even when you pee?

Uh-uh.

But do they have to give you

bad medicine and shots?

No. 'Junctivitis is fun.

Wow, I got to get me
some of that.

Uh, Jordan, don't
touch your sister!

You're not even supposed
to be in here.

Get your little self
out of here.

Now, go
before you catch it, too.

(frustrated growl)

So, Bernie, I
was thinking

about doing some
father material tonight.

Now, I hope that's
okay, or did you write all the father jokes?

Oh, come on, Chris,
you know it's okay, man.

I never make fun
of your daddy.

Last time
I saw your pappy,

he was fighting a alley cat
for a piece of fish.

You know he won.

He was always
good people.

Yeah, your daddy's so black,

lightning bugs
follow him in the daytime.

True that,
true that.

We all dark people.

How your sister doing?

I heard she made
a million dollars, man.

She charged a dollar a head
at the Million Man March.

Well, your sister was there
going...

(phone ringing)

-What'd my sister say?
-Hold up, hold up.

Hello. Hey,
what's up, Marty?

Yeah, I'd love to.

Well, send the
script tomorrow.

I'll read it.

(whispers)
It's Scorsese.

-Yeah, Scorsese...
-All right, I'll talk to you.

I might play
De Niro's partner.

Oh, yeah.
It's on, it's on.

Yeah, okay,
okay, hold on.

Hello, hello, Shaq?

Big fella, what's g'wan?

We still on tonight?

7:00 at the Palm.

Sure you're right.

Hang up.

Me and the big fella
breaking bread.

Hey, what's up, Shaq?

This is Rock.

Yeah, I'm only in town
for one night.

Well, let's have some dinner.

Oh, you got plans.

(chuckling)
Okay.

All right, well

let's do it next time.
Peace, out.

I told you.

Ain't no... hold on, hold on.
(phone ringing)

Hello?

Shaq. Big fella.

What's... what, your mama sick?

Yeah. Yeah.

All right, I understand.

His mama sick.

-(phone ringing)
-Hold on a second.

Hey. Hey, what's up, Shaq?

Oh, you can do it now?

Good, good, good.

Yeah.

I'll see you at the Palm
at 8:00.

Cool.

First he steal my joke,
now he stealing the big man!

Scorsese movies!

Hell.

I mean, not you, Mr. Scorsese.

I mean, feel free to call me
anytime you want, okay?

I do movies.
I worked with Soderbergh.

♪♪

What are you doing with this?

Give it back! It's mine!

Uncle Bernie's right.

You are soft.

(moaning)

Oh, no.

I don't believe it.

How did you get pinkeye?

You barely even touched
that pillow.

What are you talking about?

You are so lucky.

You got the pink gold.

Now you don't have
to go to school.

You did this on purpose.

You were trying
to get pinkeye.

Aunt Wanda!

No, please, don't, no.

Aunt Wanda!

I'll do anything you want.
Anything.

Anything?

Anything.

Okay...

You want the pink gold?

It's going to cost you.

How much?

Everything.

Now, go make me some pudding.

And not the instant kind.

Ugh.

I'll admit it, the whole
Shaq thing, that was whack.

That was absolutely
whack, okay?

I am down...

I am down with
not being up with that,

but you got to squash
this thing, Bernie.

How 'bout I squash him like
a damn tick, huh, Jerry?

You got to remember
what's important here.

You're right. My peeps.

No, The Tonight Show.
My peeps.

What?

You got to be
the bigger man.

Why I always got to be

the damn bigger man
all the time, Jerry?

Chris Rock, he
the one started it.

He stole my joke.

I don't want
to be the bigger man.

I want to be the petty low man.

Are you hearing yourself
right now?

Yeah, big man hear
real good, real fine.

Talk to him, big man.

Chris, you and I
need to talk, man.

What? Do you need to make
some more phone calls?

I'm for real, Chris.
We need to talk.

You know what, Bernie,
it's about time.

What's wrong?

Ten years ago, you stole
my hair weave joke.

Bernie, why would I steal
a weave joke?

I can't understand it either.

Okay, we were hanging out.

We all did
the same type of material

and, you know what, if I did,
it wasn't intentional.

Bernie,
I studied your act.

It was like the Bible to me.

Yeah, it's possible
that something

just got stuck in my mind.

It's possible?

America, it's possible
that Elvis is still alive.

And it's also possible that
Michael Jackson ain't crazy.

And it's possible that Chuy
really did see Pootie Tang.

Actually, that is possible.

I looked up to you, man

and when you
cut me off like that

it really hurt.

It did?

Bernie, you were like
a mentor to me.

You showed me the ropes,
you took me around.

And then you just
cut me off, cold.

Over a weave joke?

Oh, my God.

America, I just
realized something.

That he was just
influenced by my genius.

Stealing, they say,
is the highest form of flattery.

And maybe Bernie Mac
should be flattered.

Mentor?

Maybe I was.

It's possible, America.

It's highly possible.

This is deli mustard

and I asked for Dijon.

No, you didn't.

Eye "pink" I did.

Now where's my pickle?

And here you go.

Cool, I'm going to have
mad stupid puss.

Okay, when we come back,

two of the funniest guys
around--

Chris Rock and Bernie Mac,
right after this.

Bernie.

Hmm?

We made it.

You and I, we made it.

Tonight Show,
doing big concerts...

This is great, man.

Well, one thing's for
damn sure, little brother.

You made it.

Chris, you've got Grammys
and Emmys and movies, man.

I'm going to tell you,
I'm proud of you, man.

But you know what?
That's not important.

You know what's important?

What?

Friendship.

You and I are friends.

You know, I can't believe
I'm in a position

to just throw you a bone
like this.

Throw me a bone?

What you mean by that, Chris?

Getting you this gig is my way
of saying thank you, Bernie.

I'm throwing you a bone, man.

Come on, eat your bone, Bernie.

Throw me a bone?

Give me some pity job?

Bernie Mac don't need no bone.

Okay, we'll see.

You want to throw me some bones?

Fine, fine.

When I'm done with him,

ain't going to be nothing left
but a pile of bones.

I'm the Mac.

Welcome back, folks.

If you appreciate comedy,
you know my next two guests.

Please welcome
Chris Rock and Bernie Mac.

(cheering)

Welcome, gentleman.

What's up, man?

Good to see you.

Have a seat.

Now.

Now I know you guys
are cohosting the...

what is it,
the Urban Image Awards

which is Ebonics
for no white people.

Isn't that what that means?

(laughing)
Something like that, .

What is that
all about?

Well, it's a bunch
of brothers, man,

who just got out
of the penitentiary.

Change their lives.

And we're going to try to do
a little something.

Isn't that right, Chris?

Yeah, it's about a...

I'll handle this, Chris.

I've been giving back
to the community

for a long, long time.

You know that.

I've been a mentor
to a lot of young kids,

not just black.

Uh, but
I was a mentor to Chris.

Really?

Oh, shoot, yeah, .

So he got a lot
of what he does from you.

Got a lot?

I mean, Jay.
A lot of people think Chris here is me, you know?

Really?
Wow.

You know,
back in the day,

Chris used to come
to the comedy clubs,

he always used to tell
those stupid jokes.

You know, he was so skinny,
I mean, looking at him naked

was like looking at his
X-rays, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

And his family

was so damn poor,

they used to put
cereal on layaway.

Really?

(laughing)

So, Chris, you based a lot
of your humor on Bernie,

is that right?

I can't make fun
of Bernie Mac here.

Bernie Mac's from
a very smart family.

His aunt was the first
million dollar prostitute.

Really?

Yes.

Want to know how she
made a million dollars?

She charged a dollar a head
at the Million Man March.

(laughing)

That was his aunt.

Chris, that
is great stuff.

I don't know
where you get it.

America, y'all know.

From me.

Shoot!

Don't touch,
don't touch, don't touch.

Oh, great, the one disease
I can't get.

God,

why have you forsaken me?

Wait a minute.

Wait...

I think so.

I think I got it.

Thank you, Lord!

Jordan?

What's going on?

Oh, nothing.

Oh, no. You, too?

Oh, it's okay.
I don't mind.

Now you're going to miss
your school's air fair.

You don't mind

that your classmates

are going to ride
in the helicopter without you?

Air fair?

Helicopter?

This week?

Sorry, sweetie.

I'll go get the medicine.

You don't touch
nothing.

You give with one hand
and you take with the other.

All right, Chris, how we
going to leave this, man?

Bernie, I didn't take
your material, okay?

I admire you, man. I've been
admiring you for a long time

and every now and then,
you know what?

I'm going to sound like you.

But just consider it
a compliment.

I look up
to you, man.

Hey, there was times
you sounded like Redd.

There was times
you sounded like Bill.

There was times
you sounded like Richard.

I remember one time
you sounded like Roseanne.

Hey, man, I look up to you.

Consider it a compliment.

Yeah, but you stole
my material tonight.

Yeah, I stole your joke tonight.

'Cause of the way
you was acting.

I wanted to smack you
with a brick.

You're right.

Man, we're family.

We family, man.

Yo, thinking of family,

you better come on and say
good night to the kids.

They think
you're funnier than me.

Those some smart kids.

Hey, I love you,
man.

Love you, too, man.

Jordan'll be doing your voice,

all your material and stuff.

Plus Wanda cooked, you hungry?

I think we'll have
some pinkeye samon.

ANNOUNCER:
...and your cohosts, Chris Rock and Bernie Mac.

Bernie, my eye
is killing me, man.

I can't read
this teleprompter.

You think you
could help me out?

Don't worry, baby.

I got the jokes.

You lead.

I know that was
a little petty, America.

But, hey, he threw me a bone,
I had to give a little back.

Oh, come on,
don't look at me like that.

Just let it go, America.

Just let it go.

Oh, come on, don't
look at me like that.

Just let it go, America.

Just let it go.

Oh, if Chris was a little
taller, it wouldn't be no thing.

'Cause if you're a little man
picking on the big man

that's what you always say.

"Poor little man.

Big man picking
on the little man."

But, see, big man can't win.

See, if a big man beat on
a little man, "Poor thing."

If a little man beat him,

"Why you let that little man
whup your ass?"

Pop go the weasel
until the weasel go pop.

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