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1
00:00:02,230 --> 00:00:04,352
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
2
00:00:06,147 --> 00:00:08,148
Argh...
3
00:00:08,751 --> 00:00:10,807
Well, I guess this is
the part of the trip
4
00:00:10,892 --> 00:00:12,714
where we start drinking
our own pee.
5
00:00:12,799 --> 00:00:14,942
Well, what do you say?
You do me, and I do you?
6
00:00:15,027 --> 00:00:17,188
We can't go on like this.
We need...
7
00:00:18,123 --> 00:00:19,064
water!
8
00:00:19,164 --> 00:00:21,787
Water! We're saved!
9
00:00:21,887 --> 00:00:24,068
[panting] What?
10
00:00:24,168 --> 00:00:26,150
No. No, no, no, no!
11
00:00:26,250 --> 00:00:28,152
Benny! This water is dry!
12
00:00:28,252 --> 00:00:29,713
What happened?
Ah, don't worry.
13
00:00:29,813 --> 00:00:31,971
It just means that the heat's
starting to melt your brain.
14
00:00:32,055 --> 00:00:34,417
Guys! You made it!
15
00:00:35,818 --> 00:00:38,320
Dingus? I thought you were
chasing after Trig.
16
00:00:38,420 --> 00:00:40,482
I was, yeah,
but then she shot my horse
17
00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:42,084
and left me stranded
in the desert.
18
00:00:42,184 --> 00:00:43,685
Man, I thought I was a goner,
19
00:00:43,785 --> 00:00:46,567
until I stumbled across
this swingin' pool party!
20
00:00:46,667 --> 00:00:49,330
[chuckles] Hold on.
Let me get out of the pool.
21
00:00:49,430 --> 00:00:50,731
Okay, he's gonna die.
22
00:00:50,831 --> 00:00:53,053
I want to introduce you guys
to my new friends.
23
00:00:53,153 --> 00:00:54,254
Gentlemen, this is
24
00:00:54,354 --> 00:00:58,297
the brilliant
Professor Von Ziegler.
25
00:00:58,397 --> 00:01:00,539
I almost had you in
that last chess match.
26
00:01:00,639 --> 00:01:03,902
[chuckles] And this is
the one and only
27
00:01:04,002 --> 00:01:05,263
Mr. Marvellous!
28
00:01:05,363 --> 00:01:08,265
Oh, that rabbit!
Did you see that rabbit?
29
00:01:08,365 --> 00:01:09,402
He was in there
the whole time!
30
00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:11,908
- Wow.
- And last,
31
00:01:12,008 --> 00:01:13,710
the alluring countess.
32
00:01:13,810 --> 00:01:15,749
Enchanté.
33
00:01:15,888 --> 00:01:19,030
Okay, well, it was great
to meet all you folks
34
00:01:19,115 --> 00:01:20,235
but we really
should get going.
35
00:01:20,335 --> 00:01:21,428
Oh, no, no, no!
36
00:01:21,513 --> 00:01:24,275
They're just about to start
the limbo contest, so...
37
00:01:25,775 --> 00:01:27,292
You grab his legs,
I'll go for his arms.
38
00:01:27,415 --> 00:01:29,538
How low... can they go...
39
00:01:29,638 --> 00:01:31,540
Okay.
What are you guys doing?
40
00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:33,767
You're embarrassing me
in front of my new friends!
41
00:01:33,867 --> 00:01:37,650
Countess! Write to me!
I love you!
42
00:01:37,750 --> 00:01:40,792
[theme music playing]
43
00:02:07,815 --> 00:02:10,317
All right,
let's get these wagons
44
00:02:10,417 --> 00:02:11,878
roped up nice and tight!
45
00:02:11,978 --> 00:02:14,240
These mountains here
are the last things standing
46
00:02:14,340 --> 00:02:16,442
between us and Oregon.
[all cheer]
47
00:02:16,542 --> 00:02:18,484
Oh, Dingus.
You feeling any better?
48
00:02:18,584 --> 00:02:19,925
Yeah, a little better.
49
00:02:20,025 --> 00:02:22,023
So it's, uh, looking like
I'll be riding with you guys
50
00:02:22,107 --> 00:02:23,544
for a little while
while I recuperate.
51
00:02:23,628 --> 00:02:25,610
You know, I just wanted
to clear the air
52
00:02:25,710 --> 00:02:27,732
in case there's
any weirdness between us.
53
00:02:27,832 --> 00:02:29,533
Why would there be
weirdness? You know,
54
00:02:29,633 --> 00:02:32,416
because I dumped you to start
bounty hunting Trig?
55
00:02:32,516 --> 00:02:34,537
Ah, water under the bridge,
my friend.
56
00:02:34,637 --> 00:02:36,419
My time spent
with the Native Americans
57
00:02:36,519 --> 00:02:38,781
gave me a completely different
outlook on life.
58
00:02:38,881 --> 00:02:41,063
I've learned to shed
my foolish ego.
59
00:02:41,163 --> 00:02:43,265
Now I take pleasure
in the simple things,
60
00:02:43,365 --> 00:02:45,426
like the rush of the wind,
61
00:02:45,526 --> 00:02:47,909
or the beauty of a single leaf
on a tree.
62
00:02:48,009 --> 00:02:50,270
Wow, you got all of that
from one day.
63
00:02:50,370 --> 00:02:52,672
What's a day?
Oh, you mean a "moon."
64
00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:55,955
Sorry, I think of time
in terms of "moons" now.
65
00:02:56,055 --> 00:02:58,718
And I think of distance
in terms of "canoes."
66
00:02:58,818 --> 00:03:00,819
But more on that later.
[chuckles]
67
00:03:01,700 --> 00:03:03,642
What's all this about?
68
00:03:03,742 --> 00:03:06,684
Getting ready to go
over the mountain. Remember?
69
00:03:06,784 --> 00:03:08,702
We each agreed to do
an equal amount of the work?
70
00:03:08,786 --> 00:03:11,488
Cool. Didn't ask for
your whole life story.
71
00:03:11,588 --> 00:03:13,386
I'm looking for the Reverend.
Have you seen him?
72
00:03:13,470 --> 00:03:16,212
Oh! He and Prudence
are having one of
73
00:03:16,312 --> 00:03:19,575
their special bible study
sessions in your wagon.
74
00:03:19,675 --> 00:03:23,155
Ah, my Ezekiel.
He's such a good man.
75
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,260
[loudly]
Unlike you filthy sinners!
76
00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:27,361
[hisses]
77
00:03:29,563 --> 00:03:32,225
Bible studies, huh?
[scoffs]
78
00:03:32,325 --> 00:03:34,323
- [wagon rattling]
- ♪♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪♪
79
00:03:34,407 --> 00:03:36,269
PRUDENCE: Yes! Yes! Yes!
80
00:03:36,369 --> 00:03:38,371
EZEKIEL [excitedly]:
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John!
81
00:03:39,532 --> 00:03:40,793
That was amazing.
82
00:03:40,893 --> 00:03:42,290
God, I've been married
to Todd for so long,
83
00:03:42,374 --> 00:03:43,955
I forgot sex is
supposed to feel good.
84
00:03:44,055 --> 00:03:46,397
These have been the happiest
days of my life.
85
00:03:46,497 --> 00:03:48,679
It's so strange,
I know the Bible says
86
00:03:48,779 --> 00:03:50,457
what we're doing is a sin,
but everything about it
87
00:03:50,541 --> 00:03:52,723
feels so right.
Maybe it is right.
88
00:03:52,823 --> 00:03:55,485
I mean, we're both trapped
in bad relationships.
89
00:03:55,585 --> 00:03:57,286
Once we get to Oregon,
90
00:03:57,386 --> 00:03:58,423
we'll come clean
to our partners
91
00:03:58,507 --> 00:03:59,929
and start
our new life together.
92
00:04:00,029 --> 00:04:01,570
That sounds perfect.
93
00:04:01,670 --> 00:04:02,827
I just can't shake
the feeling
94
00:04:02,911 --> 00:04:04,212
we're gonna
be punished somehow.
95
00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:05,854
TODD: Prudence!
Ezekiel!
96
00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:06,734
PRUDENCE: Todd!
97
00:04:06,834 --> 00:04:08,896
Uh, it's not
what it looks like.
98
00:04:08,996 --> 00:04:12,619
I should have known
all along...
99
00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:15,462
what an amazing man you are!
100
00:04:15,562 --> 00:04:16,863
Excuse me?
101
00:04:16,963 --> 00:04:18,600
You're the reason
we're getting to Oregon.
102
00:04:18,684 --> 00:04:21,947
And I know I have been
a harsh critic at times.
103
00:04:22,047 --> 00:04:24,909
I was wrong, okay?
104
00:04:25,009 --> 00:04:25,990
I apologise.
105
00:04:26,090 --> 00:04:28,512
Don't mention it.
Everyone makes mistakes.
106
00:04:28,612 --> 00:04:31,315
And, on a personal note,
107
00:04:31,415 --> 00:04:34,197
I just want to thank you
108
00:04:34,297 --> 00:04:35,638
for all the special attention
109
00:04:35,738 --> 00:04:37,760
that you've been paying
to my wife lately.
110
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I know you've been
putting in the long hours
111
00:04:40,302 --> 00:04:41,844
with the bible study
lessons.
112
00:04:41,944 --> 00:04:46,247
I mean, I can hear her
screaming "Oh, God, oh, God."
113
00:04:46,347 --> 00:04:48,569
So I know that it's working.
114
00:04:48,669 --> 00:04:50,491
Can't really figure out
why the two of you
115
00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:53,493
are butt naked right now,
but...
116
00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:55,215
I'm sure
that's part of it, too.
117
00:04:55,315 --> 00:04:57,096
Yeah, yeah, it is,
mm-hmm.
118
00:04:57,196 --> 00:04:59,638
Well, I'll let you guys
get back to it.
119
00:05:00,599 --> 00:05:02,341
Hey...
120
00:05:02,441 --> 00:05:04,623
give it to her good, Rev.
121
00:05:04,723 --> 00:05:07,965
The bible study lessons,
I mean.
122
00:05:09,927 --> 00:05:13,030
That went surprisingly
well. [chuckles]
123
00:05:13,130 --> 00:05:14,671
Should we get back
to our lessons?
124
00:05:14,771 --> 00:05:16,472
♪♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪♪
125
00:05:16,572 --> 00:05:18,754
So, Phaedra, girl,
fill me in!
126
00:05:18,854 --> 00:05:20,932
You know, what's the hot goss
around the wagon train?
127
00:05:21,016 --> 00:05:23,038
Ooh, let me think.
[gasps]
128
00:05:23,138 --> 00:05:25,880
Juliette made one
of Martha's pie recipes,
129
00:05:25,980 --> 00:05:29,403
and didn't give Martha
any credit. What?
130
00:05:29,503 --> 00:05:31,885
That's not hot goss.
131
00:05:31,985 --> 00:05:34,007
I mean, that's not
even warm goss.
132
00:05:34,107 --> 00:05:37,210
That's like days-old,
left-out-on-the-counter goss.
133
00:05:37,310 --> 00:05:39,311
Is this hot enough for you?
134
00:05:40,753 --> 00:05:42,094
Round 'em up.
135
00:05:42,194 --> 00:05:44,176
[screaming, clamouring]
136
00:05:44,276 --> 00:05:47,498
Trig. We meet again.
137
00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:49,500
Please don't kill me, okay?
138
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,582
You won, fair and square!
Just let me live
139
00:05:51,682 --> 00:05:53,503
and I'll never chase you
again, I promise!
140
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:54,720
Come on, man,
have some dignity.
141
00:05:54,804 --> 00:05:56,546
- I'm not here for you.
- [cocks gun]
142
00:05:56,646 --> 00:05:57,867
I'm here for him.
143
00:05:57,967 --> 00:06:00,009
Hey! Aah!
144
00:06:01,170 --> 00:06:04,072
Zeke.
Zeke!
145
00:06:04,172 --> 00:06:05,690
Look, I'm sorry, it's
my first time trying this.
146
00:06:05,774 --> 00:06:07,075
My heart's
in the right place.
147
00:06:07,175 --> 00:06:09,176
No, that was good.
148
00:06:12,019 --> 00:06:14,601
I don't understand.
I thought you beat me already.
149
00:06:14,701 --> 00:06:16,523
I thought I did, too,
150
00:06:16,623 --> 00:06:19,085
until I started reading
the headlines.
151
00:06:19,185 --> 00:06:22,648
"Freight Train Robbed by
Daughter of Benny the Teen."
152
00:06:22,748 --> 00:06:24,569
"Trig's Reign of Terror...
153
00:06:24,669 --> 00:06:27,772
Following in Daddy's
Big Footsteps."
154
00:06:27,872 --> 00:06:30,214
Do you know
how frustrating it is
155
00:06:30,314 --> 00:06:31,535
to be the number one bandit
156
00:06:31,635 --> 00:06:33,337
and still
be compared to you?
157
00:06:33,437 --> 00:06:35,979
In all fairness, you're
a fantastic bandit, Trig,
158
00:06:36,079 --> 00:06:37,620
but Benny's the greatest
of all time.
159
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,342
How can you say that?
160
00:06:39,442 --> 00:06:40,479
I mean, look at the stats.
161
00:06:40,563 --> 00:06:42,704
I'm beating him
in lifetime murders,
162
00:06:42,804 --> 00:06:45,026
bank robberies,
and riverboat heists.
163
00:06:45,126 --> 00:06:46,924
But you're looking at it
through an 1844 lens.
164
00:06:47,008 --> 00:06:48,645
The game is way different
than it used to be.
165
00:06:48,729 --> 00:06:49,830
The guns are heavier,
166
00:06:49,930 --> 00:06:51,192
they didn't
have zone shooting,
167
00:06:51,292 --> 00:06:52,409
not to mention
all the advancements
168
00:06:52,493 --> 00:06:53,794
in bandit nutrition.
169
00:06:53,894 --> 00:06:55,675
Yeah, but Trig is still
a rising star.
170
00:06:55,775 --> 00:06:57,132
I mean, she hasn't even
hit her peak yet.
171
00:06:57,216 --> 00:06:58,414
- Thank you.
- Now that's a fair point.
172
00:06:58,498 --> 00:06:59,799
What we gotta do is graph
173
00:06:59,899 --> 00:07:02,281
Trig's expected trajectory
with Benny's prime,
174
00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:04,382
- which was...
- 1823.
175
00:07:05,303 --> 00:07:07,125
Hey, you know what?
Shut up, all of you!
176
00:07:07,225 --> 00:07:09,847
We don't have to speculate about
who the best of all time is,
177
00:07:09,947 --> 00:07:13,450
because I'm gonna prove it
right now.
178
00:07:13,550 --> 00:07:14,931
- [clang]
- [onlookers gasp]
179
00:07:15,031 --> 00:07:17,273
Drop your guns,
or I'll pump you full of lead.
180
00:07:23,719 --> 00:07:25,981
By the way, that whole
begging for my life thing
181
00:07:26,081 --> 00:07:28,983
I was doing earlier
was obviously just a ruse.
182
00:07:29,083 --> 00:07:30,745
So when we get to Oregon,
can you not tell
183
00:07:30,845 --> 00:07:32,866
the other bounty hunters,
please?
184
00:07:32,966 --> 00:07:34,828
[growls in frustration]
Hey, pumpkin.
185
00:07:34,928 --> 00:07:36,910
I bet you're happy
to see this, huh?
186
00:07:37,010 --> 00:07:38,911
Benny the Teen, back on top.
187
00:07:39,011 --> 00:07:40,713
No, you've got it all wrong.
188
00:07:40,813 --> 00:07:43,035
I'm not the same man
I used to be.
189
00:07:43,135 --> 00:07:46,237
I have found internal peace
and happiness
190
00:07:46,337 --> 00:07:47,999
and I want to share
those gifts with you.
191
00:07:48,099 --> 00:07:51,082
I'm wanted dead or alive,
right? Can I choose dead?
192
00:07:51,182 --> 00:07:52,122
[sighs]
193
00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:54,324
It is amazing
you happened to be
194
00:07:54,424 --> 00:07:57,367
in the exact right place and
time to get the drop on Trig,
195
00:07:57,467 --> 00:07:58,848
and doing it in your underwear
196
00:07:58,948 --> 00:08:01,010
so she wouldn't hear
your clothes rustle!
197
00:08:01,110 --> 00:08:02,411
Smart!
198
00:08:02,511 --> 00:08:05,373
- Yeah, that's why we did that.
- Loud clothes, correct.
199
00:08:05,473 --> 00:08:07,475
Heroes.
200
00:08:08,316 --> 00:08:10,354
- Well, that was pretty lucky.
- That was more than lucky.
201
00:08:10,438 --> 00:08:12,820
Not only are we not being
punished for our affair,
202
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,621
but it actually
just helped everyone!
203
00:08:14,721 --> 00:08:16,943
Maybe what we're doing
isn't a sin after all.
204
00:08:17,043 --> 00:08:20,026
Maybe... maybe God just
wants us to be happy.
205
00:08:20,126 --> 00:08:22,788
- [thunder crashes]
- [lightning zaps]
206
00:08:22,888 --> 00:08:26,231
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
207
00:08:26,331 --> 00:08:27,792
Did you see that?
208
00:08:27,892 --> 00:08:29,874
A bolt of lightning
just killed Claire.
209
00:08:29,974 --> 00:08:32,276
That's strange...
A single bolt of lightning
210
00:08:32,376 --> 00:08:33,757
on a perfectly clear day
211
00:08:33,857 --> 00:08:35,859
directly striking
our lead ox?
212
00:08:36,780 --> 00:08:38,201
Oh, well.
Sure it's nothing.
213
00:08:38,301 --> 00:08:40,403
Should we
head up the mountain?
214
00:08:40,503 --> 00:08:42,925
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
215
00:08:43,025 --> 00:08:45,026
Oh, God.
216
00:08:46,027 --> 00:08:46,608
Heave!
217
00:08:46,708 --> 00:08:49,490
[men grunting]
218
00:08:49,590 --> 00:08:50,891
EZEKIEL: Heave!
219
00:08:50,991 --> 00:08:52,933
- [wood cracks]
- JOHN: Aww!
220
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,255
Damn it! That's
the third broken wheel today.
221
00:08:55,355 --> 00:08:57,273
Ever since we started coming up
this damn mountain,
222
00:08:57,357 --> 00:08:59,154
everything's gone wrong.
It's like we're cursed!
223
00:08:59,238 --> 00:09:02,221
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
"Cursed" is a strong word, John.
224
00:09:02,321 --> 00:09:05,223
"Inconvenienced," perhaps.
Well, how would you explain it?
225
00:09:05,323 --> 00:09:06,665
People keep getting injured.
226
00:09:06,765 --> 00:09:08,482
There's a mysterious plague
sweeping through the camp,
227
00:09:08,566 --> 00:09:10,748
and Granny McGill keeps
spontaneously combusting.
228
00:09:10,848 --> 00:09:13,070
Did somebody say my name?
229
00:09:13,170 --> 00:09:15,032
Eeek! Ooh!
230
00:09:15,132 --> 00:09:17,354
Oh, not again! I mean,
that... that's pretty normal.
231
00:09:17,454 --> 00:09:19,715
I've seen that before.
What is happening here?
232
00:09:19,815 --> 00:09:21,677
We are being led
by a righteous man.
233
00:09:21,777 --> 00:09:23,799
Our trip should be
protected by God.
234
00:09:23,899 --> 00:09:25,240
I mean, nothing's changed,
right?
235
00:09:25,340 --> 00:09:26,881
You're still a completely
faultless man
236
00:09:26,981 --> 00:09:29,404
with nary a blemish of sin
on your perfect soul?
237
00:09:29,504 --> 00:09:30,845
Oh, yeah, sure am.
Totally.
238
00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:33,087
Squeaky clean Zekey
over here.
239
00:09:33,187 --> 00:09:35,188
Um, excuse me a moment.
Oh, yeah.
240
00:09:36,069 --> 00:09:38,771
Oh, hey, Zeke.
Crazy day, huh?
241
00:09:38,871 --> 00:09:40,933
Levi's having a bit
of a temper tantrum.
242
00:09:41,033 --> 00:09:42,775
[demon-voiced]
Salute Satanum!
243
00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:45,097
[continues speaking Latin]
244
00:09:45,197 --> 00:09:46,698
Now Levi, what did we say
245
00:09:46,798 --> 00:09:48,580
about praising Satan
in ancient Latin?
246
00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:50,741
[demon voice]
Shove it up your ass, bitch.
247
00:09:50,841 --> 00:09:52,623
[chuckles]
He's such a scamp.
248
00:09:52,723 --> 00:09:53,960
Are you not
the tiniest bit concerned
249
00:09:54,044 --> 00:09:55,561
that the sudden downturn
things have taken
250
00:09:55,645 --> 00:09:57,267
might be our doing?
251
00:09:57,367 --> 00:10:00,309
What do you mean? I
feel like God is punishing us
252
00:10:00,409 --> 00:10:01,630
for the affair.
253
00:10:01,730 --> 00:10:03,272
Come on, not this again.
254
00:10:03,372 --> 00:10:04,793
I thought you said
you were over it.
255
00:10:04,893 --> 00:10:06,635
I thought I was,
but look around you.
256
00:10:06,735 --> 00:10:08,436
Things are not
going great right now.
257
00:10:08,536 --> 00:10:09,877
Everything's fine.
258
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:11,214
You're just stuck
in your own head.
259
00:10:11,298 --> 00:10:12,880
So, the wagon's free
at lunch.
260
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:15,282
What do you say I help you
get out of your head, huh?
261
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:18,244
[roars]
262
00:10:18,344 --> 00:10:20,946
I should probably deal
with this, but come by later.
263
00:10:22,067 --> 00:10:23,729
[demon voice] Shove it
up your ass, bitch.
264
00:10:23,829 --> 00:10:25,210
You already said that one.
265
00:10:25,310 --> 00:10:27,372
[demon voice]
Oops. Sorry about that.
266
00:10:27,472 --> 00:10:30,695
My name is Gorgeous Pete,
and I'm a bandit.
267
00:10:30,795 --> 00:10:32,176
ALL: Hi, Gorgeous Pete.
268
00:10:32,276 --> 00:10:34,378
This is a painting
I made of myself.
269
00:10:34,478 --> 00:10:35,939
It's a scary outlaw.
270
00:10:36,039 --> 00:10:38,461
But that's not the real me
on the inside.
271
00:10:38,561 --> 00:10:39,982
I want to be a dancer.
272
00:10:40,082 --> 00:10:42,965
You don't have to be
that guy anymore. Let it go.
273
00:10:46,328 --> 00:10:47,405
All right,
who wants to go next?
274
00:10:47,489 --> 00:10:49,490
Uh, Trig?
275
00:10:50,251 --> 00:10:52,293
Sure. Um...
276
00:10:53,734 --> 00:10:56,316
This is a painting of me.
277
00:10:56,416 --> 00:10:58,838
As you can see, I'm
giving you the middle finger.
278
00:10:58,938 --> 00:11:00,760
[laughs] Okay.
279
00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:02,057
We have a hard case here,
don't we?
280
00:11:02,141 --> 00:11:04,763
I get it. I used
to be just like you.
281
00:11:04,863 --> 00:11:07,525
Every weekend
I was out robbing banks,
282
00:11:07,625 --> 00:11:09,727
sticking up stagecoaches,
283
00:11:09,827 --> 00:11:11,649
but I felt empty
on the inside.
284
00:11:11,749 --> 00:11:14,251
That is,
until I did the work
285
00:11:14,351 --> 00:11:16,573
and I became
the fully enlightened person
286
00:11:16,673 --> 00:11:17,974
that you see now.
287
00:11:18,074 --> 00:11:20,376
Oh, my God, I'm in hell.
This is hell.
288
00:11:20,476 --> 00:11:22,498
No, Trig.
289
00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:25,581
Why can't you achieve
the same level of growth as me?
290
00:11:25,681 --> 00:11:27,302
Because it's bullshit.
291
00:11:27,402 --> 00:11:30,465
One spiritual weekend retreat
does not change a lifetime
292
00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:32,386
of being a selfish asshole.
293
00:11:32,486 --> 00:11:35,389
Except in my case,
that's exactly what happened.
294
00:11:35,489 --> 00:11:36,630
Because I did the work.
295
00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:38,792
Stop saying
you did the work!
296
00:11:38,892 --> 00:11:40,633
What work?
What does that even mean?
297
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:42,314
It's the work.
It's what I did.
298
00:11:42,414 --> 00:11:44,997
- Yeah, he did the work.
- Shut up, Kevin!
299
00:11:45,097 --> 00:11:46,654
Okay, all right, look,
why don't we move on
300
00:11:46,738 --> 00:11:48,199
to our Kundalini exercises?
301
00:11:48,299 --> 00:11:50,922
I think we need to release
302
00:11:51,022 --> 00:11:52,763
the negative energy
from our buttholes.
303
00:11:52,863 --> 00:11:55,085
All right, everybody up.
Come on.
304
00:11:55,185 --> 00:11:56,927
On your feet,
and bend over.
305
00:11:57,027 --> 00:11:58,288
- Yeah.
- [all groan]
306
00:11:58,388 --> 00:12:00,650
Loosen those hips.
Let it out.
307
00:12:00,750 --> 00:12:03,092
Hey, Zeke.
Sorry I'm late.
308
00:12:03,192 --> 00:12:05,334
There was a freak outbreak
of frogs.
309
00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:07,335
Honestly, it was
just more random than bad.
310
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:08,616
Whoa.
311
00:12:08,716 --> 00:12:11,699
♪♪ A-a-amen ♪♪
312
00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:15,662
- Oh, hey.
- Hey. You decorated.
313
00:12:15,762 --> 00:12:19,185
I thought our S-E-X
could use a little G-O-D?
314
00:12:19,285 --> 00:12:21,267
That way, we can continue
our affair
315
00:12:21,367 --> 00:12:23,469
and appease our vengeful
lord and saviour.
316
00:12:23,569 --> 00:12:26,752
Uh, I mean,
it's a little distracting
317
00:12:26,852 --> 00:12:28,673
but if it's what you need...
318
00:12:28,773 --> 00:12:30,915
First, we set the mood
319
00:12:31,015 --> 00:12:34,078
with a naughty little
sprinkle of holy water.
320
00:12:34,178 --> 00:12:35,839
Wow, you're really
using a lot.
321
00:12:35,939 --> 00:12:36,816
Yeah. Make sure to get some
on your face.
322
00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:38,762
[sputters]
Uh... very nice.
323
00:12:38,862 --> 00:12:40,643
And can I interest my lady
324
00:12:40,743 --> 00:12:43,365
in a taste of bitter ashes?
325
00:12:43,465 --> 00:12:44,927
Maybe we can just skip
to the part
326
00:12:45,027 --> 00:12:46,808
where we make out?
Of course.
327
00:12:46,908 --> 00:12:50,171
And I have the perfect thing
for that.
328
00:12:50,271 --> 00:12:51,973
What?
What is that?
329
00:12:52,073 --> 00:12:53,934
Just a little contraption
I built.
330
00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:55,255
The hammer will continuously
331
00:12:55,355 --> 00:12:57,297
strike me in the testicles
as we kiss,
332
00:12:57,397 --> 00:13:00,340
thereby removing all pleasure
from the sexual experience.
333
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,702
- Shall we take it for a spin?
- Uh, are you sure?
334
00:13:02,802 --> 00:13:03,903
I don't think that's...
335
00:13:04,003 --> 00:13:05,464
[screams in pain]
336
00:13:05,564 --> 00:13:08,266
Oh, wow! That did damage!
337
00:13:08,366 --> 00:13:10,988
Oh, one blow
is utterly devastating!
338
00:13:11,088 --> 00:13:12,910
I can't imagine doing that
even once more,
339
00:13:13,010 --> 00:13:15,712
let alone for
an entire make-out session.
340
00:13:15,812 --> 00:13:16,953
Um, I'm sorry.
Can we stop?
341
00:13:17,053 --> 00:13:18,435
This isn't working for me.
342
00:13:18,535 --> 00:13:19,772
How's it supposed
to make me feel
343
00:13:19,856 --> 00:13:21,453
that you have to punish
yourself to be with me?
344
00:13:21,537 --> 00:13:23,415
It's just... it's the only thing
I've thought of
345
00:13:23,499 --> 00:13:25,501
to atone for our sins.
346
00:13:27,222 --> 00:13:29,044
But I need you
to be in it, too,
347
00:13:29,144 --> 00:13:30,965
and not think that
our relationship is a sin.
348
00:13:31,065 --> 00:13:33,047
I'm sorry. No, no, no, no.
349
00:13:33,147 --> 00:13:34,824
Of course, of course
I want to be with you.
350
00:13:34,908 --> 00:13:38,772
I... you're right.
I am being ridiculous
351
00:13:38,872 --> 00:13:40,093
and if you will
still have me,
352
00:13:40,193 --> 00:13:41,670
I'd like to make out with you
super hard right now.
353
00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:43,756
There we go.
354
00:13:45,037 --> 00:13:46,458
[wagon rattling]
355
00:13:46,558 --> 00:13:48,560
Oh, that's not good.
356
00:13:49,561 --> 00:13:52,063
- Rockslide!
- We're all gonna die!
357
00:13:52,163 --> 00:13:53,864
Jesus, Martha,
we're right here!
358
00:13:53,964 --> 00:13:55,225
You don't have to yell!
359
00:13:55,325 --> 00:13:57,307
Take cover!
Oh, shit!
360
00:13:57,407 --> 00:14:00,470
- Hurry up with that lock!
- I'm trying!
361
00:14:00,570 --> 00:14:02,912
- Aah!
- Ow! Ah!
362
00:14:03,012 --> 00:14:05,474
- Oh...
- It's okay, Benny.
363
00:14:05,574 --> 00:14:07,676
You taught us all
how to abandon
364
00:14:07,776 --> 00:14:09,878
our selfish ways.
365
00:14:09,978 --> 00:14:11,999
We'll all stick together
till the bitter end.
366
00:14:12,099 --> 00:14:14,321
Yeah, about that...
367
00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:16,883
it's every man for himself.
Good luck!
368
00:14:16,983 --> 00:14:18,004
See ya, suckers!
369
00:14:18,104 --> 00:14:19,766
Ooh! Ee! Ow!
Ah, ah!
370
00:14:19,866 --> 00:14:23,429
- What's he doing?
- Being the same ol' Benny.
371
00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:26,431
MARTHA:
It's gonna collapse!
372
00:14:28,113 --> 00:14:29,414
Well, at least
we're together.
373
00:14:29,514 --> 00:14:31,516
[screaming]
374
00:14:34,558 --> 00:14:36,780
Dear Lord,
I repent my wicked ways.
375
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:38,862
I committed the sin
of adultery with Prudence.
376
00:14:38,962 --> 00:14:40,503
- The hell?
- I was too weak
377
00:14:40,603 --> 00:14:42,625
to resist the temptation
of the harlot's flesh!
378
00:14:42,725 --> 00:14:44,867
She bewitched me with
her devilish charms,
379
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,204
and ankles
that just won't quit!
380
00:14:46,288 --> 00:14:47,629
It was wicked and wrong,
381
00:14:47,729 --> 00:14:50,411
and I promise I will never
disobey you again, oh, Lord!
382
00:14:53,094 --> 00:14:55,276
Yes! Yes! It worked!
Thank you!
383
00:14:55,376 --> 00:14:57,357
Thank you, oh, Lord,
for your infinite mercy!
384
00:14:57,457 --> 00:15:00,680
Pru, you see that?
We're saved.
385
00:15:00,780 --> 00:15:02,602
Well, I guess I know
how you really feel now.
386
00:15:02,702 --> 00:15:05,224
Oh, Pru, wait.
387
00:15:07,466 --> 00:15:11,129
[chuckles]
Oh, hey, guys.
388
00:15:11,229 --> 00:15:13,351
[chuckles]
So, that happened.
389
00:15:14,271 --> 00:15:16,273
Now this is hot goss!
390
00:15:19,612 --> 00:15:21,834
So, things got
a little crazy there.
391
00:15:21,918 --> 00:15:23,155
Some personal stuff
came to light
392
00:15:23,239 --> 00:15:25,080
that I'm obviously
not particularly proud of.
393
00:15:25,165 --> 00:15:26,360
But the main thing is
394
00:15:26,445 --> 00:15:28,159
we are back on track
to make it to Oregon.
395
00:15:28,243 --> 00:15:29,384
- So...
- Enough!
396
00:15:29,484 --> 00:15:31,546
Why should we listen
to you anymore?
397
00:15:31,646 --> 00:15:34,468
You seduced me away
from my fellow Noonans
398
00:15:34,568 --> 00:15:37,671
only to make the beast
with two backs with that wench.
399
00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:40,073
You are not a righteous man,
Ezekiel Brown.
400
00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:41,634
You are evil.
401
00:15:41,734 --> 00:15:43,876
No one messes
with my girl Phaedra
402
00:15:43,976 --> 00:15:44,957
and gets away with it.
403
00:15:45,057 --> 00:15:47,199
Team Phae-Phae for life,
bitch!
404
00:15:47,299 --> 00:15:49,301
And... and... this...
This is how all of you feel?
405
00:15:50,502 --> 00:15:51,699
None of you
are Team Zeke-Zeke?
406
00:15:51,783 --> 00:15:54,445
I have an idea!
I can get my shunning kit!
407
00:15:54,545 --> 00:15:57,127
[squeaks happily]
Oh, uh, thank you, God.
408
00:15:57,227 --> 00:15:59,409
This... this does help.
409
00:15:59,509 --> 00:16:01,511
Hmph!
410
00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,053
[exclaiming incoherently]
411
00:16:04,153 --> 00:16:05,574
My God,
how dare you betray me?
412
00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:08,377
You've made a proper
cuckhold of me. Oh, God.
413
00:16:08,477 --> 00:16:10,779
I can feel my cuck's horns
growing in already.
414
00:16:10,879 --> 00:16:13,221
I'm sorry, Todd.
415
00:16:13,321 --> 00:16:14,982
Clearly, I made
a mistake with Zeke.
416
00:16:15,082 --> 00:16:17,304
How did you even
find the time
417
00:16:17,404 --> 00:16:20,306
to have an affair between
all the bible study sessions?
418
00:16:20,406 --> 00:16:22,468
- Uh...
- Doesn't matter.
419
00:16:22,568 --> 00:16:24,550
Just stay in the wagon.
Try not to bone
420
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,652
too many dudes
while I'm out.
421
00:16:29,254 --> 00:16:31,636
God, that no good,
stinking reverend!
422
00:16:31,736 --> 00:16:34,799
I never should've
trusted him. Gosh!
423
00:16:34,899 --> 00:16:37,120
Hey there, Todd.
424
00:16:37,220 --> 00:16:39,222
Rough day, huh?
425
00:16:40,023 --> 00:16:41,404
I shouldn't be
talking to you.
426
00:16:41,504 --> 00:16:44,286
Well, I just think it's
messed up what he did to you,
427
00:16:44,386 --> 00:16:46,128
stealing your girl
like that.
428
00:16:46,228 --> 00:16:47,930
You know, everyone's
laughing at you.
429
00:16:48,030 --> 00:16:50,171
- They are?
- Yep.
430
00:16:50,271 --> 00:16:52,373
And it's all
because of him.
431
00:16:52,473 --> 00:16:55,496
Yeah! Though, if I'm
being honest with myself,
432
00:16:55,596 --> 00:16:58,138
I wonder if I had a small part
to play in this.
433
00:16:58,238 --> 00:17:00,020
I don't think I was always
a good husband...
434
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,060
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
435
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:02,702
You had it right
the first time.
436
00:17:02,802 --> 00:17:04,303
You're perfect, he sucks.
437
00:17:04,403 --> 00:17:07,466
Yeah!
That British little shit!
438
00:17:07,566 --> 00:17:09,628
God, I wish there was a way
I could get back at him.
439
00:17:09,728 --> 00:17:10,749
Maybe there is,
440
00:17:10,849 --> 00:17:14,191
but first, you have to do
something for me.
441
00:17:14,291 --> 00:17:16,313
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
442
00:17:16,413 --> 00:17:18,955
[grunts of exertion]
443
00:17:19,055 --> 00:17:20,437
Put your backs into it!
444
00:17:20,537 --> 00:17:23,359
Oof, why did they make
these wagons so heavy?
445
00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:25,741
- Hey, I'm gonna take five.
- What?
446
00:17:28,263 --> 00:17:29,524
Howdy, Rev.
447
00:17:29,624 --> 00:17:31,102
Oh, you're not supposed
to talk to me, remember?
448
00:17:31,186 --> 00:17:32,287
- I am shunned.
- Eh.
449
00:17:32,387 --> 00:17:33,688
How you holding up, anyway?
450
00:17:33,788 --> 00:17:34,929
Yeah, not great.
451
00:17:35,029 --> 00:17:36,250
The beggar's cloth
452
00:17:36,350 --> 00:17:38,027
scratches my skin
with every step that I take
453
00:17:38,111 --> 00:17:39,412
And the stone of shame
454
00:17:39,512 --> 00:17:40,670
feels like it's about
to snap my neck.
455
00:17:40,754 --> 00:17:43,776
And I lost the love of my life
forever, so...
456
00:17:43,876 --> 00:17:46,699
[sighs] But, if it gets us
back on God's good side,
457
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:47,819
all worth it, right?
458
00:17:47,919 --> 00:17:49,921
[Todd laughs]
459
00:17:51,442 --> 00:17:53,264
Todd? What are you doing?
460
00:17:53,364 --> 00:17:57,988
This is what happens when you
disrespect Todd Aberdeen!
461
00:17:58,088 --> 00:17:59,990
- No, no, no, no.
- [Todd laughing]
462
00:18:00,090 --> 00:18:07,536
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
463
00:18:13,821 --> 00:18:16,704
[extended crashing]
464
00:18:18,585 --> 00:18:19,782
JOHN: What the hell
are you thinking?
465
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:22,008
How we gonna get off
this mountain now?
466
00:18:22,108 --> 00:18:25,311
You're not getting down.
I am!
467
00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:29,214
Help!
468
00:18:29,314 --> 00:18:30,655
- Prudence!
- Zeke!
469
00:18:30,755 --> 00:18:33,057
Help!
470
00:18:33,157 --> 00:18:35,579
Ah, ah, ah!
Not so fast, loverboy.
471
00:18:35,679 --> 00:18:37,341
And sorry I can't stick around
472
00:18:37,441 --> 00:18:39,463
and listen to more
of your bullshit, Benny.
473
00:18:39,563 --> 00:18:42,185
I gotta get back to being
the best bandit of all time.
474
00:18:42,285 --> 00:18:43,346
Trig, wait!
475
00:18:43,446 --> 00:18:46,308
You're right.
I haven't changed.
476
00:18:46,408 --> 00:18:49,231
I'm still the same
selfish jerk I've always been
477
00:18:49,331 --> 00:18:51,032
but I... I'm trying.
478
00:18:51,132 --> 00:18:52,554
And I meant it when I said
479
00:18:52,654 --> 00:18:56,257
I care about you
and I want you to be happy.
480
00:18:58,378 --> 00:19:00,400
I don't believe
a damn word you say.
481
00:19:00,500 --> 00:19:02,442
The only thing
that would make me happy
482
00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:05,604
is you freezing to death
on top of this mountain.
483
00:19:05,704 --> 00:19:07,706
Let's ride.
484
00:19:08,867 --> 00:19:15,333
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
485
00:19:15,433 --> 00:19:17,594
You were saying something
about God protecting us?
486
00:19:19,556 --> 00:19:21,474
"Congratulations on
your new Testicle Kicker 900,
487
00:19:21,558 --> 00:19:22,755
"the very latest
in self-punishment
488
00:19:22,839 --> 00:19:24,620
from your friends
at the Ouch Corporation."
489
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:26,142
Uh... aha!
490
00:19:26,242 --> 00:19:28,784
"Connect
the testicle-crushing hammer
491
00:19:28,884 --> 00:19:31,066
to slot C."
492
00:19:31,166 --> 00:19:33,348
Where is slot C?
493
00:19:33,448 --> 00:19:35,449
Seems like a really key piece
of information.
494
00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:39,052
Ow.
495
00:19:41,174 --> 00:19:42,435
I know we're being cursed,
496
00:19:42,535 --> 00:19:44,237
but do you have
to make the print so tiny?
497
00:19:44,337 --> 00:19:46,458
That seems unnecessarily
cruel.
498
00:19:47,699 --> 00:19:50,122
Get in there, get in there,
get in there, aah!
499
00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:52,624
Yes! Ha ha!
500
00:19:53,905 --> 00:19:56,487
Oh! Yaa!
501
00:19:56,587 --> 00:19:59,890
Aah, yes!
Right in the junk.
502
00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:01,991
Prudence is gonna love this.
36807
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