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♪ ♪
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(Arliss narrates)
For most of us,
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the dream of becoming a champion
4
00:00:15,949 --> 00:00:17,519
remains a fantasy.
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00:00:18,618 --> 00:00:20,448
But for a special few,
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it is very much a reality.
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We cheer them.
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We live through them.
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Athletes are our last warriors.
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My job is to make
their dreams come true.
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(water splashes)
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00:00:34,318 --> 00:00:35,968
My name is Arliss Michaels,
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00:00:36,035 --> 00:00:37,995
I represent athletes.
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00:00:38,071 --> 00:00:39,641
These are my stories.
15
00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:43,306
♪ Don't know what it is
that makes me love you so ♪
16
00:00:43,376 --> 00:00:46,906
♪ I only know I never
wanna let you go ♪
17
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:50,550
♪ 'Cause you started
something, oh, can't you see ♪
18
00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:54,247
♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪
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00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:57,560
♪ It happens to be true ♪
20
00:00:57,624 --> 00:01:01,234
♪ I only wanna be with you ♪
21
00:01:01,294 --> 00:01:04,804
♪ I just wanna be
beside you everywhere ♪
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00:01:04,864 --> 00:01:08,674
♪ As long as we're
together, honey, I don't care ♪
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00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:12,065
♪ 'Cause you started
something, oh, can't you see ♪
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00:01:12,138 --> 00:01:15,378
♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪
25
00:01:15,441 --> 00:01:19,111
♪ No matter what you do ♪
26
00:01:19,178 --> 00:01:22,348
♪ I only wanna be with you ♪
27
00:01:24,050 --> 00:01:26,990
DJ on radio: This is the
fourth straight day of rain in LA.
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When is this El Nino
ever gonna end?
29
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(Arliss narrates)
For most Americans,
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going to work
every day is a chore,
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but let us not forget
that these Americans
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00:01:36,462 --> 00:01:39,032
are the backbone of our society.
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Who are they? The every man,
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the working stiff,
the common Joe.
35
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I for one never sit in judgment
36
00:01:46,005 --> 00:01:48,905
and never look down upon him.
37
00:01:48,975 --> 00:01:51,275
Señor Arliss, with
all this El Nino,
38
00:01:51,344 --> 00:01:52,924
you think the Dodgers
are gonna play tonight?
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(Arliss narrates) He's
the one I pay attention to.
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0 for 3, damn.
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Okay, I'm all done.
42
00:01:58,851 --> 00:02:00,731
I don't want to keep a
busy man from being busy.
43
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:02,487
You done, Kekee?
44
00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:04,015
Hey, let me ask you something.
45
00:02:04,090 --> 00:02:06,660
Livan Hernandez,
he comes from Cuba.
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He makes $4.6 million.
47
00:02:08,394 --> 00:02:10,834
- Uh-huh.
- Orlando Hernandez, he comes from Cuba.
48
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He makes $6.6 million.
49
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Are they worth it?
50
00:02:14,901 --> 00:02:16,641
Well, it's not a
question of worth.
51
00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:19,143
It's a question of
fair market value.
52
00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:20,805
See, these careers
aren't very long.
53
00:02:20,873 --> 00:02:22,383
You gotta seize the opportunity,
54
00:02:22,442 --> 00:02:24,322
because let me tell ya,
when they don't want you,
55
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they're not gonna
pay you dollar one.
56
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What do I owe you?
57
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Same as always, three dollars.
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Right.
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00:02:34,787 --> 00:02:36,657
Thank you.
60
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:38,517
Señor Arliss, I
have a gift for you.
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For me?
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Bolivar. Habana.
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00:02:43,029 --> 00:02:45,229
My cousin, he sends them to me.
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00:02:45,298 --> 00:02:48,028
He says they sell
here for $40 apiece.
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I give it to you, Mr. Arliss.
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(Arliss narrates) It's the little
guy I take the extra time with...
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Thanks, Kekee.
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Give the extra buck to.
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00:02:58,344 --> 00:03:00,084
By the way, after
commissions and taxes,
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00:03:00,146 --> 00:03:02,846
that six million dollars
is really only three.
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Three million dollars.
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Oh, yeah. (sniffs)
Taxes will kill you.
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Tell me about it.
74
00:03:08,154 --> 00:03:10,064
Ah! Kekee, two things I know:
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00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:11,893
Never make the
last out at third base,
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00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:13,528
and you don't fuck...
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00:03:13,593 --> 00:03:15,733
with the IRS, Mr. Carlisle.
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00:03:15,795 --> 00:03:17,695
I must say, Mr. Carlisle,
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00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:21,704
your deduction-to-income
ratio is truly astounding.
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00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:22,968
(chuckles) Thank you.
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00:03:24,504 --> 00:03:25,774
Ms. Slocomb,
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if Mr. Carlisle made those
expenditures in the pursuit,
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00:03:28,441 --> 00:03:32,081
maintenance or
benefit of a client,
84
00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,445
then they are fully deductible.
85
00:03:33,513 --> 00:03:35,313
I know the code, Mr. Babson,
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00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:38,181
and certain write-offs
are obviously legitimate...
87
00:03:38,251 --> 00:03:40,121
"Sporting News,"
"Baseball Weekly."
88
00:03:40,186 --> 00:03:42,516
I try to keep tabs on all
the hot young prospects.
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00:03:42,588 --> 00:03:44,218
But explain the deductions
90
00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:47,060
for "Penthouse,"
"Jism," and "Bang."
91
00:03:48,695 --> 00:03:52,065
A lot of our clients like
to date young models,
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00:03:52,131 --> 00:03:55,741
and I try to keep tabs on
all the hot young prospects.
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00:03:56,936 --> 00:03:59,306
Ms. Slocomb... Helen...
94
00:03:59,372 --> 00:04:01,412
May I call you "Helen"?
95
00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:03,439
You may not.
96
00:04:03,509 --> 00:04:06,479
Ms. Slocomb, I've been an
associate of Mr. Carlisle's,
97
00:04:06,546 --> 00:04:09,446
and while I agree his
methods may be unorthodox,
98
00:04:09,515 --> 00:04:11,715
his intent most
certainly is not.
99
00:04:11,784 --> 00:04:14,694
Mr. Babson, are you also
Mr. Carlisle's attorney?
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Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
101
00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:20,360
Then please keep your
unsolicited opinions to yourself.
102
00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:24,056
Mr. Carlisle, did you
bring along those receipts?
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Yes, yes, I did.
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00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,040
(rustling)
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00:04:38,911 --> 00:04:41,011
(Arliss narrates) I
applaud the nine-to-fiver,
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00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,180
the civil servant.
107
00:04:42,248 --> 00:04:45,378
Society profits when
everyone kicks in their fair share
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00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:47,291
and works for the greater good.
109
00:04:47,353 --> 00:04:48,353
One more.
110
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Jury duty?
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00:04:51,924 --> 00:04:53,634
Who gives a shit
about jury duty?
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I'm sorry, but if
I don't show up,
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00:04:55,294 --> 00:04:56,564
they're gonna put me in jail.
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00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:57,829
What shoes should I wear?
115
00:04:57,897 --> 00:04:59,697
Why didn't you use the letter?
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00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:00,896
These are way too expensive.
117
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:03,467
Bob Shapiro personally drafted
a "get out of jury duty" letter.
118
00:05:03,536 --> 00:05:05,166
It cost me two tickets
to the Final Four.
119
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I forgot to mail it.
120
00:05:06,405 --> 00:05:09,035
Bob'll get you off.
He's handled worse.
121
00:05:09,108 --> 00:05:11,038
Arliss, you have
a very easy day.
122
00:05:11,110 --> 00:05:12,680
Now the temp is
due here any minute.
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All you have to do is follow
my simple instructions.
124
00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:17,551
No. No, no, no, listen,
you can't. You can't.
125
00:05:19,685 --> 00:05:21,185
Where the hell is everybody?
126
00:05:21,254 --> 00:05:22,724
Kirby and Stanley are in Fresno.
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00:05:22,789 --> 00:05:24,399
There are a couple of
nerds here from accounting,
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00:05:24,423 --> 00:05:26,373
and everybody else is stuck at
home because of the monsoon.
129
00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:28,562
"Monsoon." It's a little
drizzle. I made it here.
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00:05:28,628 --> 00:05:30,188
Yeah, from Brentwood,
five minutes away.
131
00:05:30,229 --> 00:05:32,669
The rest of the worker bees have
to commute in from the boonies.
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00:05:32,698 --> 00:05:34,868
- Well, you got here.
- I left my hive at 6:00 a.m.
133
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- No, no, no, no.
- Bye.
134
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No, you can't... I ke... Rita!
135
00:05:38,404 --> 00:05:41,414
- (DJ speaks indistinctly)
- (thunder crashes)
136
00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:44,984
(Arliss narrates) The truly outstanding
leader not only respects his minions,
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but knows how to
perform the tasks
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of all those under his command.
139
00:05:49,081 --> 00:05:50,381
Son-of-a-bitch!
140
00:05:50,449 --> 00:05:52,249
What was so bad about
the fucking typewriters?
141
00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:53,415
(phone rings)
142
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AMM.
143
00:05:55,254 --> 00:05:57,164
No, he's not here,
there's nobody here!
144
00:05:57,223 --> 00:05:58,933
(phone rings)
145
00:05:58,991 --> 00:06:00,631
AMM.
146
00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:03,133
Yeah, I'm happy with
my long distance carrier!
147
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:08,599
(water dripping)
148
00:06:08,668 --> 00:06:10,698
What the fuck is this?
149
00:06:10,770 --> 00:06:12,810
What the fuck is this?
150
00:06:14,173 --> 00:06:17,083
Oh. Son-of-a-bitch.
151
00:06:23,816 --> 00:06:24,916
Jesus!
152
00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:29,022
Hello! I'm Rose Nolibow.
153
00:06:30,256 --> 00:06:31,716
From Temporary Remedies.
154
00:06:31,791 --> 00:06:33,931
Oh, good. Do you know how
to use this fucking computer?
155
00:06:33,993 --> 00:06:36,863
- (gasps)
- Look, get the son-of-a-bitch up here who runs this place
156
00:06:36,929 --> 00:06:39,439
And tell him I got more leaks than
the fucking White House going on.
157
00:06:39,465 --> 00:06:41,035
And if that cocksucker
tells you that he's busy,
158
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,277
you tell him he's full of shit,
and I'm gonna take my nine iron
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00:06:43,302 --> 00:06:46,242
and shove it up his
ass! Any questions?
160
00:06:46,305 --> 00:06:50,035
No! Oh!
161
00:06:50,109 --> 00:06:52,949
Where you going? You can't
take a break, you just got here!
162
00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:55,622
- (water dripping)
- (narrates) Why are people so eager to work with me?
163
00:06:55,648 --> 00:06:57,348
Holy shit, I'm on Titanic.
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00:06:57,416 --> 00:06:59,516
(narrates) Make
your own deductions.
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00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:02,145
I note here a
$32,000 contribution
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00:07:02,221 --> 00:07:04,561
to the Kipawa Native
American tribe?
167
00:07:04,624 --> 00:07:06,894
Yes. You see,
168
00:07:06,959 --> 00:07:09,259
I'm very concerned about
how the US government...
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00:07:09,328 --> 00:07:11,598
Not your department,
of course...
170
00:07:11,664 --> 00:07:13,804
Has mistreated the Indians,
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00:07:13,866 --> 00:07:15,226
and I've dedicated myself
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00:07:15,301 --> 00:07:18,271
to helping to lift
them out of poverty.
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A worthy pursuit.
174
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,340
Thank you.
175
00:07:21,407 --> 00:07:22,937
However, due to their
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00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:25,779
extremely profitable
gaming casinos,
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00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:27,945
the Kipawas have
a per capita income
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of $68,000 a year.
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00:07:30,216 --> 00:07:33,146
Might this... contribution
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00:07:33,219 --> 00:07:35,759
actually be payment
of a gambling debt?
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00:07:36,756 --> 00:07:38,316
It... it might.
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00:07:39,692 --> 00:07:43,662
Well, that completes
my examination of 1994.
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00:07:43,729 --> 00:07:45,969
(snaps fingers) See,
that wasn't so bad.
184
00:07:46,032 --> 00:07:48,032
However, having
seen that return,
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00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:51,500
I would now like to
audit '95, '96, and, '97.
186
00:07:51,570 --> 00:07:52,770
On what grounds?
187
00:07:52,838 --> 00:07:56,138
Mr. Babson, I hope your
returns are in order also.
188
00:07:56,208 --> 00:07:57,608
My returns?
189
00:07:57,677 --> 00:07:59,147
I'm sorry, did you
say something?
190
00:07:59,211 --> 00:08:00,251
No.
191
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:03,440
- (water dripping)
- Vengeance be "mine," bastard!
192
00:08:03,482 --> 00:08:04,652
Or more like this?
193
00:08:04,717 --> 00:08:06,517
Vengeance "be" mine, bastard.
194
00:08:06,585 --> 00:08:07,685
Or more like,
195
00:08:07,753 --> 00:08:09,923
Vengeance "be mine," bastard.
196
00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:12,429
Uh, simpler, I think,
Picabo. Simpler.
197
00:08:12,491 --> 00:08:15,331
Arliss, I really think this
audition could be my big break.
198
00:08:15,394 --> 00:08:18,534
No, no, hitting that fence was
your big break. Whammo! (laughs)
199
00:08:18,597 --> 00:08:19,907
I mean winning
the gold in Nagano,
200
00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:22,372
that was your big break. Wow!
201
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:23,645
(exhales)
202
00:08:23,654 --> 00:08:24,874
(phone rings)
203
00:08:24,937 --> 00:08:26,837
Fuck! What?
204
00:08:26,906 --> 00:08:28,266
Arliss, Jerry Colangelo.
205
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:29,811
Did you get my fax
on Devon White?
206
00:08:29,875 --> 00:08:32,675
Umm, the White fax, White fax.
207
00:08:32,745 --> 00:08:36,545
Yeah, yeah, I haven't had
time to crunch the numbers yet.
208
00:08:36,615 --> 00:08:38,515
Numbers? We just
need Devon to accept
209
00:08:38,584 --> 00:08:40,324
a regular hotel room
rather than a suite.
210
00:08:40,386 --> 00:08:42,116
We're in a real bind in Chicago.
211
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,588
Oh, the White fax!
212
00:08:43,656 --> 00:08:45,096
I thought you said,
"The white fish."
213
00:08:45,157 --> 00:08:46,597
No, no, he doesn't
give a shit about that.
214
00:08:46,625 --> 00:08:48,785
It'll be fine. Don't
worry about it. Bye.
215
00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:51,201
Hey, Arliss, do you think
Felonious stabs like this?
216
00:08:51,263 --> 00:08:52,973
Yah!
217
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:54,702
Or do you think it's
more like this? Hwah!
218
00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:57,367
Um, it would depend
on her motivation.
219
00:08:57,436 --> 00:09:00,966
Yeah-huh. How would Jody do it?
220
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,680
(Arliss narrates) I never expect
my employees to do something
221
00:09:03,743 --> 00:09:05,783
that I myself couldn't handle.
222
00:09:05,845 --> 00:09:08,545
(whirring, thumping)
223
00:09:08,614 --> 00:09:09,954
Damn!
224
00:09:11,250 --> 00:09:13,420
Rita, how could you leave me?
225
00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:15,286
Just fry the fucker
and get back here!
226
00:09:15,354 --> 00:09:16,544
Arliss.
227
00:09:16,540 --> 00:09:17,720
(screams)
228
00:09:17,790 --> 00:09:18,890
What's up?
229
00:09:18,958 --> 00:09:21,588
Gilbert Brown, how's the
Godzilla of the gridiron?
230
00:09:21,660 --> 00:09:23,530
Hungry, you ready to go eat?
231
00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:25,966
Oh man, I... I can't go. I
gotta get these contracts out,
232
00:09:26,032 --> 00:09:27,712
and look at them...
they're coming out all black.
233
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:29,143
Is there anything
I can do to help?
234
00:09:31,203 --> 00:09:32,973
As a matter of fact...
235
00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:35,439
- Gilbert: This it?
- Arliss: Yeah, just give it a good yank.
236
00:09:36,876 --> 00:09:38,976
(narrates) Once you know
what everybody's job is...
237
00:09:39,045 --> 00:09:40,575
Just work on it.
238
00:09:40,646 --> 00:09:43,146
You appreciate what
they do even more.
239
00:09:44,817 --> 00:09:46,617
Arliss, Arliss, I gotta
go to my audition.
240
00:09:46,685 --> 00:09:48,945
What if I hit on both
"vengeance" and "bastard"?
241
00:09:49,021 --> 00:09:51,571
- Yeah, trust your instincts. Trust your instincts.
- (phone rings)
242
00:09:51,590 --> 00:09:52,690
Break a leg!
243
00:09:53,959 --> 00:09:54,959
AM...
244
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:57,955
AMM... please...
Stanley, thank god!
245
00:09:58,030 --> 00:09:59,700
Is that you? Are you
on your way home now?
246
00:09:59,765 --> 00:10:02,565
Not even close! Kirby's
tax return just came in
247
00:10:02,635 --> 00:10:04,735
at number one on the
bestseller list for fiction!
248
00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:06,414
The auditor wants us
back there tomorrow.
249
00:10:06,472 --> 00:10:07,842
Fucking shit!
250
00:10:07,907 --> 00:10:09,737
I'm no happier
about it than you are.
251
00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:11,609
There's a raisin
convention in town,
252
00:10:11,677 --> 00:10:13,307
and there's only
one room available.
253
00:10:13,379 --> 00:10:14,459
Do you know what that means?
254
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,150
You're sharing a
room with Kirby?
255
00:10:16,215 --> 00:10:17,445
I'm sharing a bed with Kirby!
256
00:10:17,516 --> 00:10:19,326
I thought this was supposed
to be a business trip?
257
00:10:19,351 --> 00:10:21,161
- Arliss, it's your fault that I'm here.
- (toilet flushes)
258
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:23,257
You wanted me to be
here, and I'm gonna...
259
00:10:24,723 --> 00:10:26,493
And you... oh!
260
00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:30,030
God dammit!
261
00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:32,796
Arliss, you owe me big time.
262
00:10:32,865 --> 00:10:34,295
- Listen...
- (speaks Spanish)
263
00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:38,402
Oh, it's okay, your
dad finished my shoes.
264
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:39,621
It's okay.
265
00:10:39,623 --> 00:10:40,773
(speaks Spanish)
266
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:43,875
Where's security?
267
00:10:45,644 --> 00:10:48,084
No, don't shoot! Don't
shoot! (whimpers)
268
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,777
(speaks Spanish)
269
00:10:49,849 --> 00:10:51,079
"Miguel Arly"?
270
00:10:53,185 --> 00:10:54,345
"Miguel Arly," no?
271
00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:56,460
(speaks Spanish)
272
00:10:56,522 --> 00:10:57,762
Yeah, yeah, sure, I'll sign it.
273
00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:00,134
Who do I make it out to?
274
00:11:00,192 --> 00:11:01,692
- Diego Sanchez.
- Pedro...
275
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,500
No, no, Diego Sanchez.
276
00:11:03,562 --> 00:11:05,332
(speaks Spanish)
277
00:11:05,397 --> 00:11:06,527
"Cooba"!
278
00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:08,329
♪ ♪
279
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:09,870
- "Cooba"?
- Si.
280
00:11:09,935 --> 00:11:11,365
- Baseball?
- Si, si!
281
00:11:11,437 --> 00:11:13,307
Pitchero?
282
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:14,706
Si, si, si si!
283
00:11:13,372 --> 00:11:14,712
"Cooba," pitchero.
284
00:11:14,773 --> 00:11:15,833
Diego Sanchez?
285
00:11:15,826 --> 00:11:16,876
Si.
286
00:11:16,942 --> 00:11:18,282
Si, si, hold un momento.
287
00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:19,914
Stanley, I just hit
the mother lode.
288
00:11:19,979 --> 00:11:22,249
- Diego Sanchez just walked into my office.
- Who?
289
00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:23,994
He's the number one pitcher
from Cuba. I don't know.
290
00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:26,536
- He must've defected. I'll call you back later.
- Ar... Arliss!
291
00:11:28,654 --> 00:11:30,724
Cousin Louie, how's
my favorite nephew?
292
00:11:30,789 --> 00:11:31,789
(speaks Spanish)
293
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,727
(woman moans on TV)
294
00:11:33,792 --> 00:11:35,792
Is that a goatee or a vagina?
295
00:11:37,129 --> 00:11:38,859
I don't think you understand
296
00:11:38,931 --> 00:11:41,401
the severity of your situation.
297
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,036
It's a tit.
298
00:11:45,104 --> 00:11:46,374
(sighs)
299
00:11:47,439 --> 00:11:50,339
(both speak Spanish)
300
00:11:50,409 --> 00:11:52,449
Tell him there's plenty more
clothes where that came from.
301
00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:53,878
(speaks Spanish)
302
00:11:53,946 --> 00:11:55,676
I got a warehouse
full of that shit.
303
00:11:55,748 --> 00:11:59,148
Does... ask Diego, how did he
manage to escape from Castro?
304
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:02,318
(both speak Spanish)
305
00:12:06,458 --> 00:12:08,028
He says that the
Cuban national team
306
00:12:08,093 --> 00:12:10,403
was touring Mexico,
and he liberated himself
307
00:12:10,462 --> 00:12:12,202
from the team
hotel in Chihuahua.
308
00:12:12,264 --> 00:12:14,174
Tell him how much
I so admire the risks
309
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:16,473
- he took in pursuit of freedom.
- (speaks Spanish)
310
00:12:16,535 --> 00:12:19,065
But in order to make
his trip worthwhile,
311
00:12:19,138 --> 00:12:21,208
he must now go to
Costa Rica immediately.
312
00:12:23,542 --> 00:12:25,882
(speaks Spanish)
313
00:12:31,517 --> 00:12:32,587
What's he say, Kekee?
314
00:12:32,651 --> 00:12:35,621
Señor Arliss, Diego
does not understand
315
00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:37,558
why you say he
must go to Costa Rica
316
00:12:37,623 --> 00:12:39,833
when he struggled
so hard to get here.
317
00:12:39,892 --> 00:12:41,332
Why can't he a-stay?
318
00:12:41,393 --> 00:12:43,763
He cannot a-stay
because he's not here.
319
00:12:45,364 --> 00:12:47,374
(speaking Spanish)
320
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:48,603
Listen to me.
321
00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:50,497
As soon as he steps
foot in this country,
322
00:12:50,569 --> 00:12:52,839
Major League Baseball
requires him to enter the draft...
323
00:12:54,306 --> 00:12:57,206
which means that you can only
negotiate with the team that drafted you.
324
00:12:57,276 --> 00:13:00,146
But if you establish
residency in another country...
325
00:13:02,147 --> 00:13:04,717
he's a free agent which
means he's eligible to negotiate
326
00:13:04,783 --> 00:13:07,823
with all 30 professional
teams, driving the price up.
327
00:13:10,589 --> 00:13:12,259
It's a difference of
millions of dollars.
328
00:13:12,324 --> 00:13:13,494
Mucho dinero!
329
00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:14,759
(continues speaking Spanish)
330
00:13:14,827 --> 00:13:15,827
Scratchola! Gelt!
331
00:13:17,596 --> 00:13:19,496
- Okay. Si, si. Okay.
- Comprende? Comprende?
332
00:13:19,565 --> 00:13:22,425
Good, good. Si,
good, good, good.
333
00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:25,671
Now there's one more
thing we gotta take care of.
334
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,538
Mucho importante.
335
00:13:28,841 --> 00:13:32,381
Agency contracts. Agency
contracts. Where are they?
336
00:13:32,444 --> 00:13:33,984
Who the hell's this?
337
00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:37,721
Shit! Son-of-a-bitch!
338
00:13:38,851 --> 00:13:40,751
(speaks Spanish)
339
00:13:42,454 --> 00:13:44,864
Hey, Diego wants
to know if he can see
340
00:13:44,923 --> 00:13:47,233
Universal CityWalk
before he leaves.
341
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:49,233
No, no, no, no, you
don't understand.
342
00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:50,795
Universal CityWalk's in America.
343
00:13:50,863 --> 00:13:52,803
He was never in
America. Never America.
344
00:13:52,865 --> 00:13:54,825
(both speak Spanish)
345
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:56,470
America. No, no.
346
00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:01,535
Come on. I missed out on
the other Cuban defectors.
347
00:14:01,607 --> 00:14:03,447
I sure as hell don't want
to miss out on Diego.
348
00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:07,577
Shit! Son-of-a-bitch!
349
00:14:07,646 --> 00:14:09,316
Diego wants to know
if you can arrange
350
00:14:09,381 --> 00:14:11,651
for him to play in Miami?
351
00:14:11,717 --> 00:14:13,627
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure,
if he goes to Costa Rica!
352
00:14:13,652 --> 00:14:16,222
Costa Rica. (chuckles)
353
00:14:16,288 --> 00:14:17,888
Contracts, contracts.
354
00:14:17,956 --> 00:14:19,986
Where the fuck
are the contracts?
355
00:14:20,059 --> 00:14:22,659
♪ ♪
356
00:14:22,728 --> 00:14:23,858
Now what did Diego say?
357
00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:26,329
He says you should
press the "find" command.
358
00:14:26,398 --> 00:14:28,128
(mouths)
359
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:32,437
Bueno.
360
00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:33,911
Good.
361
00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:36,581
I've got everything on the way.
362
00:14:36,608 --> 00:14:38,278
I just gotta get the
agency... (gasps)
363
00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:39,814
Almost done.
364
00:14:42,648 --> 00:14:43,948
Yeah.
365
00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:45,516
Nice shoes.
366
00:14:47,286 --> 00:14:49,286
Raisin' Hell. I love that!
367
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,223
Hey, Kirby.
368
00:14:52,291 --> 00:14:54,331
Hey, Jerry Tarkanian,
how you doing?
369
00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:55,733
Great to see you in Fresno.
370
00:14:55,794 --> 00:14:57,404
I didn't know you
were a raisin booster.
371
00:14:57,463 --> 00:14:59,903
That's not why I'm
here. I'm on an audit.
372
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:01,825
And audit? The IRS?
373
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:04,070
Hell, buddy, they're
worse than the NCAA.
374
00:15:04,136 --> 00:15:05,566
You got a lot of problems.
375
00:15:05,637 --> 00:15:07,067
You better chew
on this for a while
376
00:15:07,139 --> 00:15:08,499
and see if it brings
you some luck.
377
00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:12,710
Oh. Gee. Thanks... Tark.
378
00:15:15,881 --> 00:15:19,851
Kirby... (sighs) I've
run the numbers.
379
00:15:19,918 --> 00:15:22,918
Taking into account the items
that Ms. Slocomb challenged,
380
00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:26,458
the estimated
penalties, plus interest,
381
00:15:26,525 --> 00:15:29,795
you are gonna have to
write a check for that figure.
382
00:15:32,731 --> 00:15:35,171
These last two numbers...
tho... tha... those are cents, right?
383
00:15:35,968 --> 00:15:37,398
All dollars.
384
00:15:37,469 --> 00:15:39,239
Okay, so I owe some money.
385
00:15:39,304 --> 00:15:41,774
It's not like these people
are gonna break my knees.
386
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,240
No, Kirby, but they
could do worse.
387
00:15:44,309 --> 00:15:45,809
Prison?
388
00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:47,278
Yeah.
389
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,680
No way!
390
00:15:48,747 --> 00:15:50,877
I mean I just thought I would
put this on my Visa card.
391
00:15:52,484 --> 00:15:53,754
Oh, Stanley, you gotta help me.
392
00:15:53,819 --> 00:15:56,259
(scoffs) Kirby, I can't
get you out of this.
393
00:15:56,321 --> 00:15:58,491
You don't fuck with the IRS.
394
00:15:58,557 --> 00:16:01,457
And now that I've come here,
you've put me in the line of fire.
395
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:02,797
Well, I didn't ask you to come.
396
00:16:02,861 --> 00:16:04,971
Oh, Arliss did. He knew you
wouldn't take this seriously.
397
00:16:04,997 --> 00:16:06,327
Jesus, was he right.
398
00:16:06,398 --> 00:16:07,728
Look, I don't need a chaperon!
399
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,100
Oh, really?
400
00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:10,908
You can't take care of
your personal business,
401
00:16:10,936 --> 00:16:13,106
now you've brought
me into the line of fire.
402
00:16:13,172 --> 00:16:14,242
You know what?
403
00:16:16,942 --> 00:16:19,212
- Fuck you! I don't need you.
- (laughs)
404
00:16:19,278 --> 00:16:21,678
If only that were true!
405
00:16:21,747 --> 00:16:23,717
What's a smart guy like you
406
00:16:23,782 --> 00:16:25,522
doing with a loser like that?
407
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:30,262
Ms. Slocomb, I knew you people
were privy to our personal lives.
408
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:32,292
I didn't know that meant
following us around.
409
00:16:32,357 --> 00:16:34,057
Sit down, Mr. Babson,
410
00:16:34,126 --> 00:16:36,556
I'm here having a
double Glenfiddich.
411
00:16:36,628 --> 00:16:39,098
Just unwinding after a hard day.
412
00:16:42,434 --> 00:16:45,244
Look at that.
Pathetic, isn't it?
413
00:16:45,304 --> 00:16:47,474
So, how do you get
to be a raisin girl?
414
00:16:47,539 --> 00:16:49,709
- (laughs)
- Do you have to start out as a grape?
415
00:16:49,775 --> 00:16:51,735
Kirby's not pathetic.
416
00:16:51,810 --> 00:16:54,410
He's underdeveloped
in some ways.
417
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:55,810
My friend is harmless.
418
00:16:55,881 --> 00:16:58,451
Your friend is defrauding
the United States government.
419
00:16:58,517 --> 00:17:01,317
Okay, who doesn't
pad their write-offs?
420
00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:04,115
Besides me?
421
00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:08,228
Don't worry. I'll make
sure he makes good on it.
422
00:17:08,293 --> 00:17:10,863
It won't be good enough.
423
00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:13,534
Kirby was a
college football star.
424
00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:15,869
At the age of 21,
he had his picture
425
00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:18,544
on... the cover of
national magazines.
426
00:17:19,771 --> 00:17:21,241
Life peaked for
him 20 years ago.
427
00:17:21,306 --> 00:17:22,376
In a way, it's kind of sad.
428
00:17:22,407 --> 00:17:25,237
Am I supposed to
feel sorry for him?
429
00:17:25,310 --> 00:17:29,010
I made $37,000 last year,
430
00:17:29,081 --> 00:17:33,021
He made $270,000
and cheated on his taxes!
431
00:17:33,085 --> 00:17:34,985
Sorry if I don't share
your compassion.
432
00:17:35,053 --> 00:17:37,163
Ms. Slocomb.
433
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,257
Mr. Babson, I am through
talking about Mr. Carlisle.
434
00:17:39,324 --> 00:17:41,464
- Fine then.
- I'd rather talk about you.
435
00:17:43,295 --> 00:17:44,295
About me?
436
00:17:45,464 --> 00:17:47,004
Sit down, Mr. Babson.
437
00:17:47,065 --> 00:17:49,095
You made quite an
impression today.
438
00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:51,767
Encyclopedic
knowledge of the tax code.
439
00:17:51,837 --> 00:17:54,437
Logical, well
constructed argument.
440
00:17:54,506 --> 00:17:56,676
If we could get back to Kirby.
441
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:58,642
If you could only look
at my friend's returns...
442
00:17:58,710 --> 00:18:00,750
Well, I might be persuaded...
443
00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:04,354
if I could count on
your assistance.
444
00:18:05,817 --> 00:18:07,117
My assistance?
445
00:18:07,185 --> 00:18:10,085
(Arliss narrates) The working
person knows every now and then
446
00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:12,885
you've got to take
one for the team.
447
00:18:12,958 --> 00:18:14,738
(both moaning loudly)
448
00:18:14,744 --> 00:18:16,534
Slocomb: God!
449
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:21,733
Hit the total! Hit the total!
450
00:18:23,335 --> 00:18:25,235
Make another entry! Yes!
451
00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:29,112
Make another entry!
452
00:18:30,576 --> 00:18:32,626
(water dripping)
453
00:18:32,629 --> 00:18:34,679
(both speak Spanish)
454
00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:38,683
(door opens)
455
00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:43,563
Look, here are
the airline tickets.
456
00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:45,892
And this is an AMM
agency contract.
457
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,328
When you get to Costa Rica,
have Diego sign it, mail it,
458
00:18:49,394 --> 00:18:51,204
and then he will be
on his way to fame,
459
00:18:51,263 --> 00:18:52,633
fortune, and free agency.
460
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:54,698
There's been a change in plans.
461
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,168
Change? What change?
462
00:18:57,235 --> 00:18:59,765
Diego wants me to be his agent.
463
00:18:59,838 --> 00:19:01,508
What? When did this happen?
464
00:19:01,573 --> 00:19:03,383
When you were talking
to the travel agent.
465
00:19:03,442 --> 00:19:05,742
I want to hear this from Diego.
466
00:19:11,516 --> 00:19:13,246
He says, if I'm not his agent,
467
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:15,418
he's going back to Cuba.
468
00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:18,157
Man, I don't believe
what I'm hearing here.
469
00:19:18,223 --> 00:19:21,363
Kekee, haven't I always
treated you as a friend?
470
00:19:21,426 --> 00:19:22,996
You know, Señor Arliss,
471
00:19:23,061 --> 00:19:28,001
every day I play the lottery
and every day I lose...
472
00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:31,398
until today.
473
00:19:31,470 --> 00:19:32,970
Kekee, I...
474
00:19:33,038 --> 00:19:34,838
Look at my hands.
475
00:19:35,941 --> 00:19:38,011
Do you know how many
shoes I shine a day?
476
00:19:38,076 --> 00:19:39,176
I-I-I...
477
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,278
Of course not.
478
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:44,175
Between 50 and
60 pair every day.
479
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:46,789
After rent, taxes, equipment,
480
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:48,322
giving my sons some money,
481
00:19:48,387 --> 00:19:50,117
do you know how
much I take home?
482
00:19:50,188 --> 00:19:52,958
A buck a shoe.
483
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:54,785
It's tough to take
a family of five
484
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:55,890
to a ball game on that.
485
00:19:55,961 --> 00:19:57,271
Look, if it's
tickets you want...
486
00:19:57,295 --> 00:20:00,395
And then this young man
comes to my country...
487
00:20:00,465 --> 00:20:02,175
He's not here!
488
00:20:02,185 --> 00:20:03,895
Illegally, doesn't
speak the language,
489
00:20:03,969 --> 00:20:08,239
knows no trade except to
throw a baseball very fast.
490
00:20:08,306 --> 00:20:10,776
Soon, someone
will give him millions.
491
00:20:11,777 --> 00:20:14,907
Arliss, you know, it
just doesn't seem fair.
492
00:20:14,980 --> 00:20:16,300
I know.
493
00:20:16,299 --> 00:20:17,619
But wait, it is fair.
494
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:21,020
Fair market value.
495
00:20:24,089 --> 00:20:26,159
Okay, okay, I get the
game. I get the game.
496
00:20:26,224 --> 00:20:28,034
- What do you want?
- 30 percent.
497
00:20:28,093 --> 00:20:29,433
30 percent!
498
00:20:30,662 --> 00:20:33,972
(laughs) The standard
finder's fee is 10 percent.
499
00:20:34,032 --> 00:20:36,802
Diego Sanchez is
not your standard find.
500
00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:39,709
This is unbelievable.
501
00:20:39,771 --> 00:20:42,641
Okay, I'll go 12 and a
half percent, but that's it!
502
00:20:42,708 --> 00:20:44,578
Señor Arliss,
503
00:20:44,643 --> 00:20:46,913
a wise man once said to me,
504
00:20:46,978 --> 00:20:49,078
you must seize the opportunity
505
00:20:49,147 --> 00:20:51,017
because if they don't want you,
506
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:53,153
they won't pay you dollar one.
507
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:58,260
I shine a little,
I listen a lot.
508
00:20:58,323 --> 00:21:01,063
(Arliss narrates) Why do I
love the common man so?
509
00:21:01,126 --> 00:21:04,726
Maybe because I see
so much of myself in him.
510
00:21:04,796 --> 00:21:07,696
♪ ♪
511
00:21:14,206 --> 00:21:17,006
(adding machine clicking)
512
00:21:17,075 --> 00:21:20,575
Mr. Carlisle, after
re-reviewing the numbers,
513
00:21:20,645 --> 00:21:26,885
I've decided that
you owe $2,800.76.
514
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:30,062
♪ ♪
515
00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,322
That's it?
516
00:21:31,389 --> 00:21:33,659
Would you like me to find more?
517
00:21:33,725 --> 00:21:35,585
No, no, no.
518
00:21:35,660 --> 00:21:37,900
I want you to know that
the reason the amount
519
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:41,033
was reduced was
because of the tireless work
520
00:21:41,099 --> 00:21:43,839
performed by Mr. Babson
on your account.
521
00:21:45,103 --> 00:21:46,563
Oh, he's the best, isn't he?
522
00:21:46,556 --> 00:21:48,006
(chuckles)
523
00:21:48,073 --> 00:21:51,113
Let's just say he's very good.
524
00:21:51,176 --> 00:21:53,176
(chuckles)
525
00:21:53,245 --> 00:21:55,705
(Arliss narrates) They call
baseball a game of inches.
526
00:21:55,781 --> 00:21:57,181
Well, that phrase applies
527
00:21:57,249 --> 00:21:59,019
to more than just baseball.
528
00:21:59,084 --> 00:22:00,254
(shouts)
529
00:22:00,253 --> 00:22:01,423
(both grunting)
530
00:22:10,829 --> 00:22:15,099
Vengeance shall
be mine, you bastard!
531
00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:17,867
Cut, print! We got it, great!
532
00:22:17,936 --> 00:22:20,066
Great, I loved it. Okay,
European version.
533
00:22:20,138 --> 00:22:21,638
Picabo, take your top off.
534
00:22:22,941 --> 00:22:26,611
Arliss!
535
00:22:26,678 --> 00:22:28,088
(Arliss narrates) One
should never forget
536
00:22:28,113 --> 00:22:29,823
that the little people
have feelings too.
537
00:22:29,881 --> 00:22:31,581
- (phone rings)
- (answering machine beeps)
538
00:22:31,650 --> 00:22:33,230
Woman on phone: This is
Temporary Remedies, Rose.
539
00:22:33,251 --> 00:22:35,091
We'd like to send you out again.
540
00:22:35,153 --> 00:22:37,223
- (whimpering)
- Rose, are you there? Rose?
541
00:22:37,289 --> 00:22:39,619
(Arliss narrates) Oh, sure,
it's nice to be important
542
00:22:39,691 --> 00:22:42,661
- (crowd cheering)
- and make lots of money signing big name stars...
543
00:22:42,727 --> 00:22:44,627
Kekee on P.A.: Welcome
to Kekee's Emporium.
544
00:22:44,696 --> 00:22:47,996
Cigars, cappuccino
and shoe maintenance.
545
00:22:48,066 --> 00:22:49,326
Arliss: but let us not forget
546
00:22:49,401 --> 00:22:51,141
that stars wouldn't be stars
547
00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,713
without the help of those
who make them shine.
548
00:22:53,772 --> 00:22:56,372
(Kekee speaks Spanish)
549
00:22:59,744 --> 00:23:01,284
(speaks Spanish)
550
00:23:04,349 --> 00:23:06,919
Ivan Rodriguez!
How's it going, bud?
551
00:23:06,985 --> 00:23:09,025
- Hey, Arliss, what's going on?
- What a coincidence.
552
00:23:09,054 --> 00:23:11,064
I was just telling Kekee here
553
00:23:11,122 --> 00:23:13,202
if there's one player that
needs his contract renegotiated,
554
00:23:13,225 --> 00:23:14,585
it's Ivan Rodriguez.
555
00:23:14,659 --> 00:23:16,489
(both speak Spanish)
556
00:23:16,561 --> 00:23:17,831
- Si?
- Si.
557
00:23:17,896 --> 00:23:19,266
Hey, you and I
should talk, you know?
558
00:23:19,297 --> 00:23:21,567
(Arliss narrates) What
makes this society work?
559
00:23:21,633 --> 00:23:24,703
All of us working together
to form a universal language.
560
00:23:24,769 --> 00:23:27,709
- Mucho dinero.
- (narrates) That's the American way.
561
00:23:27,772 --> 00:23:28,772
Si.
562
00:23:29,774 --> 00:23:31,584
Mi llamo Arliss Michaels.
563
00:23:31,643 --> 00:23:33,953
Yo represento atletas.
564
00:23:34,012 --> 00:23:36,452
Esto son mi historas.
565
00:23:36,514 --> 00:23:40,094
♪ ♪
566
00:23:40,144 --> 00:23:44,694
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