All language subtitles for Work in Progress s02e03 Two Queens on Two Queens.eng

[Abby] Previously on
Work in Progress...

Life kept getting in the
way of me killing myself.

My best friend Campbell,

she moved in with me
'cause her dog died.

Things at home have
been... You know, tense.

[sighs] We're fine.

[Abby] Dad's wife-to-be
is actually really cool

and her sons are awesome.

You know I'm not gonna call
your dad my stepfather.

[Abby] There's no way I'm
calling your mom my stepmom.

Good story, Jags.

[Campbell] I'm
overprotective of Abby.

We take care of each other.
That's just our thing.

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[Campbell] Okay. Now.

I do not have a
card for Big Lou,

but Big Lou does not care

because Big Lou is turning 90.

Hey, hey, hey.

Does this tissue
paper look used?

Used as what?

Fuck it. Fuck it.
Fuck it. Fuck it!

Oh, shit!

I forgot that I
hate these shoes.

Sorry, one second!

Well, that's an interesting
choice, Campbell.

Very, very interesting.

Is it new?

Okay. Voila!

- I'm ready to go.
- Awesome.

Okay, okay, okay,
okay. All right.

Come on. Let's go.

[grunts]

I'm gonna pee.

Sorry.

Okay, one second.

Ugh!

I swear.

[door closes]

Song in Portuguese plays

[door opens]

- Lets go.
- Okay.

I mean, who gets a
master's in poetry?

- [chuckles]
- How about that?

Well, actually,
I talked to Mark,

and I found out it's not
a master's in poetry.

It's a degree in like creative
writing or something like that.

- Okay. Well, phew!
- Yeah.

Because Jamal is way
too cool to be a poet.

I mean, poetry is annoying.

I should know, I can say
that because I dated one.

Do you remember Lisa?

- Oh, yeah, she was so nice!
- Yeah.

You know what?

My mom really liked Lisa.

Ugh.

Well, I mean, think about it,

I could be living in a
house with a poet laureate.

In Indiana.

But I would have a lawn.

Like you would
ever do yard work.

Maybe that version of me would.

Korean pizza fusion,

power-lifting with some hard-ass

dykes at Cheetah,
and Midsommarfest.

That is who you are, Campbell.

[sighs] God damn it.

Sorry.

Uh, she's seeing her mom today.

Oh, no, I hear that.

And I'm seeing my dad.

[sighs]

- Tell me about it.
- Yeah.

[Campbell] You
know, I was hoping

we could actually talk for a
hot sec about strategizing.

[Abby] Oh, sure.

We have an action-packed day

of fraught family bullshit that

we're gonna have to
navigate our way through

- until you and I are...
- Yeah. Yeah.

[both] Two Queens on Two Queens!

Yeah. Boom.

When. Are. We.

Drinking?

I don't know.

I'm gonna try to keep a
clear head for a while.

Hey, do you think that we could
set up a code word in case

- I need rescuing?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- If you remember it this time.

Look, I did remember it.

But it was just way too common.

Like "Do you need more ice"?

Okay. When you asked
me that, Campbell,

I did need more ice.

And I just didn't
know if you were like

using the signal or
like being polite.

- Polite?
- [laughs] Okay.

- [laughs] You fucking idiot.
- I know, that's fair.

- Oh...
- Fuck.

How about, um... you know,

"I think I'm gonna
switch to water!"

From you?

[chuckles] Hurtful.

But accurate. But you hurt me.

[laughs] Hey, are you sure that
we're dressed okay for this?

Yeah.

I mean, he... he said he was
keeping it small and casual.

Okay, cool.

And are you sure that you
want to stay sober for this?

Absolutely!

[indistinct chatter]

[sighs] Well, that
didn't last long.

[chuckles] So, this
is small and casual?

Abby! Campbell! You made it.

- Hey, Carol Lynn.
- Hey.

Oh. Edward didn't say
you were staying over.

- Oh, no. We're not.
- Yeah.

- We have a thing tonight.
- Yeah.

This is so nice!

Well, I wanted to
keep it simple,

but Edward had big plans
for this celebration.

Who knew he was such
a party planner?

- [laughs]
- Literally nobody.

[laughs] I'm so glad
you're both here.

Do you mind rescuing Mark?

He doesn't fish.

Fish?

But it's not just rainbow trout.

There's all kinds of trout:

Brown trout, lake trout,

smallmouth trout.

[Abby] Hold on!

Are we just listing trout?

Okay.

Um, above average mouth trout.

We got potty mouth trout.

We got a Bell's
palsy mouth trout,

we got a expressive
mouth trout...

We are plotting our
summer fishing excursion.

That sounds fun, Edward.

It will be.

Okay, but Dad, it's February.

And, um, since when do you fish?

We are going to charter a boat.

Well, we're talking
about it. [Chuckles]

Actually, your mom asked
me to get you to help her

with some wine or something.

Shouldn't she tell
the bartender?

Yeah, but she told
me that you'd be

the only one who knew
exactly where it was.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Okay. It's okay.

[sighs]

So how are you doing, kid?

I'm good, Dad, thanks.

The place looks amazing.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, Carol Lynn, uh,
got all my stuff in.

[whispers] Yeah, thanks.

Okay. All right.

So, how's the promotion?

You know, Dad, it's
actually going all right.

I'm not sure exactly what
I'm supposed to be doing,

my forte, uh,

but I think I'm nailing it.

Well, it's good that
you're, you know,

kind of finding
your way, your path.

Well, I should get Jamal's gift.

- Love you, sweetie.
- Okay.

[Campbell] These
are pork crostinis

with a balsamic reduction!

I've taught so many students,

but Jamal paints
inside your brain.

It's an extraordinary power.

Come on, Professor.

[Abby] I honestly cannot
say I'm surprised.

Ooh, I buried the lede before.

Did you know that my friend
Campbell here used to date

the poet laureate of Indiana?

You dated Matthew Graham?

No. No, I don't know Matthew.

Adrian Matejka?

I adore Adrian.

We used to model together.

No. Um, Lisa Sheehan.

She told you she was the
poet laureate of Indiana?

Yeah.

That's a very...
Lisa thing to do.

[shouts] Damn!

- Oh, shit.
- [all laugh]

Okay.

You'd be doing yard
work for a fraud!

[laughs] And live in Indiana.

Hard pass!

[all laugh]

- Cheers to Lisa.
- Oh, to the fraud.

I mean, I'm out of
that cheer, all right?

[Abby] You know, I
never liked, trusted,

or respected that bitch.

I am a classy man and I
deserve classy things.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Well, speaking of classy things,

I was really unsure what
to get a big-time poet.

You didn't have to
get me anything.

I know I didn't,
but then I was like,

"Mm, don't be a bitch,
get him a gift."

And I was like, "Uh,
what do I get him?"

And then I remembered
that huge confession

that you told me at
the wedding. Remember?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes.

Your first true love...

- Markie Post!
- Markie Post!

- Oh, my always and forever.
- [Abby] Yes.

This is Markie Post?

Yes, that's Markie Post,
and that's also mine.

I will take that
back. Thank you.

- Garçon.
- Better believe it.

- Yeah, right.
- I mean, seriously. I've had it.

Hey, so what's up
with Meg's friend?

Hmm. That's the
million-dollar question.

No, it isn't.

They met on the soccer
team in the fall,

and then they just
became friends.

Aly thinks she's her friend.

I think she's her girlfriend.

[Aly] Why do you have to
label everything, Mike?

I don't... I don't understand.

I'm not labeling
anything! Jesus.

You know what? I hope
she turns out gay.

It would make everything
so much easier.

How exactly?

I don't know. Um,

she wouldn't need birth control.

Oh, no. My God!

Salient point, thank you.

- Umph.
- [sarcastic laughs]

Jesus, fuck it. Write
a pamphlet. Don't.

I just don't like Meg
hanging out with a junior.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

[both] Neko has her
driver's license.

- Oh.
- Aww.

Neko also boycotted
her AP History exam.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, she ripped it up,

stormed right out of the room.

Dag, that's cool.

Apparently earning
college credit as

a high school student is, uh,

a repressive structure designed

to reinforce
classism and racism.

Wow.

She's an ally.

Okay, Mike, I'm not going
to embarrass you in front

of your whole family by asking
you to define that term.

Okay? You're welcome, Mike.

Ally?

It's an online bank.

- [Abby laughs]
- See?

[laughs] I mean, yet
again, Jags nailing it.

- It's what I do.
- Okay! Okay!

Thank you so much
for being here today.

Now, it is every mother's dream

to have her child tell
you he wants to be a poet.

[laughs]

But when that child is
as talented as Jamal,

you know he has to
pursue his gift.

We are pleased that
you all could be here

to celebrate Jamal
receiving his master's!

[all] Woo!

Which is not in poetry,

but in creative
writing and publishing.

With distinction!

Whoa!

[cheers and whoops]

And I'm pleased to announce

that my baby is published!

[cheers and whoops]

So, I encourage you all to pick
up a copy of the latest edition

of the Iowa Review,

where you can read his
award-winning poem,

"Heartprints."

- "Hoofprints."
- "Hoofprints."

I don't understand it,
but it is very good.

To Jamal!

[all] Jamal!

[cheers and whoops]

Hello, everyone.

Um, I'm Jamal's, um...

Well, I'm Edward.

And I just wanted to
echo my wife's sentiments

about what an extraordinary
accomplishment Jamal has

accomplished.

A master's in poetry.

[both] Creative
writing and publishing.

Truly an amazing feat.

Just amazing. [Sighs]

Anyway, Jamal, uh...

[exhales]

As a token of how
proud I am of you

and all that you've done,

I wanted to get you
a little something.

It's, uh...

[alarm chirps]

- You got me a Toyota RAV4?
- Edward!

I did.

- [cheers and applause]
- It's a hybrid.

I thought you'd need it driving
to all of your readings.

Do you need more ice?

Maybe I should switch to water.

- Help.
- I know. Okay. Hold on.

It's a great gift.

Thanks.

- [applause]
- Come on. [Laughs]

[woman] Smile!

[camera shutter clicks]

Now let me get one
of just my girls.

It only took six years!

[laughter]

Who cares how long it took?

The important thing
is you did it.

Dad, you didn't have
to get me anything.

[laughs] Dad!

That's hilarious.

There's a store
that lets you print

anything you want
on a sweatshirt,

so I came up with that myself.

Well, it's beautifully
understated. [Laughs]

Thank you very much.

I'm very proud of you, sweetie.

[phone chimes]

Ten minutes.

Hey. I'm sorry, we have to go.

- I had a ball.
- That's okay.

- I'm so proud of you. Yeah.
- Thank you.

- Oh.
- Excuse me.

Okay, we need to have
an extended sidebar

on what the fuck just happened.

- It's going to be...
- I know.

- A car? Are you kidding me?
- I know. I know.

We just got... we can't do
anything about it tonight.

- Okay, will you call me?
- I will call you.

Call me, okay? I love you.

Ow. I'm all right.

Oh, sorry.

- Oh, did she tell you?
- What?

Our next stop is a birthday
party for a 90-year-old.

Oh, my God! You're dating again.

- [chuckles]
- I tried, she said no.

- What are you gonna do?
- You gotta keep moving.

- What are you gonna do?
- Bye, Jamal.

I mean, ah.

Excuse me.

- Can you not wait?
- [Jamal] One at a time works.

Can you wait?

- Really? Can I not wait?
- Oh, my God.

[Campbell] I'm just
saying, put your shields up

because these boozehounds
have been going strong

since 10:00 am.

Okay, but we've been
drinking since noon, so.

Yeah, but that's different.

[laughs] How is that different?

Bye, Darnell.

- Thank you.
- Bye, thank you.

Okay, he gets five
stars, I think.

Okay. What do you need
from me right now?

- This moment?
- [laughs]

I guess that would be for
you to brace yourself.

- [laughs]
- Because it's a full cast

of some bizarro Hee Haw,

minus my cousin
Tricia, who's like,

"I'll stay in Des Moines
if Maureen's going."

I cannot fucking believe
that's still a thing.

That's outrageous. All right.

Well, just name the
top three people.

I need to save you from.

- Top three.
- Okay. Okay.

Stay frosty, all right,
because honestly,

when they all get together like
this, it can come from anywhere,

- anytime, any direction.
- That is dramatic.

[laughs]

And I guarantee you,

my mother is going to be
dialed up to an 11 tonight.

Look, I got it.

Nora duty! Full force!

Do not worry about it.

What are we looking for again?

Like a trolley.

It says "Hotsy Totsy
Gangster Tours" on it.

Okay. I've lived
here over 25 years.

I can honestly tell you I've
never been tempted to do this.

Now, look. We're
going to have a ball.

And just remember, we got to
keep our eyes on the prize.

Oh, if my mom
starts... you know,

just like ask her
who has cancer.

Yep, or about random
Catholic saints.

How the Hawkeyes are doing.

No worries, I got this.

Hey, where are you
two jagoffs going?

Whatever is in those
bags better get me drunk.

They're fucking clothes!

Maureen, hi.

- I'll drink it. I don't care.
- She will.

I gotta say, you haven't
changed very much.

You still got a lot of
class, mainly lower,

and that's a burn!

I see it! I see it!

Here's the birthday girl.

- [exclaims]
- Oh, Grandma.

Hi.

This is my friend, Abby.

- Oh.
- Happy birthday.

Finally, right?

- Y'all need cups?
- Well, I'll save one for later.

You can have this much fun
before we even get on the bus.

Okay, you look famil.

Don't start with me.

To Grandma!

[chants] Grandma Lou!

Grandma Lou!

Ohh.

Pretty good, right?

I feel like you are my aunt.

I was an ice skater as a child.

- Whoa!
- [laughs]

Campbell, my baby!

Oh! Hey.

It's gonna be fine.
You've got this.

I'm here. I'll be
right over there.

- Look at you!
- Oh, hey, Mom.

Aww.

Hi.

Well, this is interesting.

- Oh.
- And you changed your hair.

Uh-huh. Yep.

Oh, now, Campbell,
before I forget,

my book club was asking
about your Facebook posts.

Okay.

All those pictures
of a dead dog?

- Oh.
- It's so morbid.

Oh, God. I bet that
is so hard on you.

Well, yes. It is.

Oh, my God, Nora!

- Hey, Abby!
- How are you?

- Hi, how are you?
- Good to see you.

Hey, Campbell, it looked
like you needed more ice.

Oh, I didn't know
we brought ice.

Is this new?

Oh, my gosh,

is that St. Jermaine?

No, no, no. This is St. Theresa.

I got this at the Vatican.

When we were in Rome one time...

- Whoo! Yeah!
- [horn beeps]

Hi, everybody, I'm Spencer.

- Go, Spencer!
- Spencer For Hire!

[barks]

On behalf of Dave
behind the wheel

- and myself...
- [cheering]

Welcome to the Hotsy Totsy
23 Skidoo Gangster Tour.

Celebrating Chicago's
long history with the mob

both in films and in real life.

[all] Ooh!

Hey. That was a hell
of a save back there.

Thank you. She's off
the charts tonight.

Oh, I got you, okay?

- Okay.
- All right.

This month actually marks

the 91st anniversary of the
St. Valentine's Day Massacre.

Every Valentine's Day
is a massacre for me!

Underneath Chicago's beautiful
architecture are miles and miles

of tunnels, which the gangsters
used to transport booze.

Spencer, I'm sorry to interrupt.

But that building
right over there?

- Marina Tower?
- Is that the building where.

Diane Lockhart lives?

Oh! From the Emmy
award-winning The Good Wife?

- Yeah.
- Yes, it is! Yeah! [Laughs]

I knew it. I knew it.

Ohh.

Christine Baranski.

Oh, she's good in everything.

But I don't like that they
make you pay for her new show.

Oh, I'm gonna slip you
my password, Grandma Lou.

You call me Big Lou
now that we're family.

Okay. [Laughs]

Hey, here's a question.

You two are so great.
Why aren't you together?

What is it, Abby? She
too repulsive for you?

- You know what?
- Okay.

- No.
- I'm just saying.

Nobody's getting any younger.

So, Maureen, you
know two queer ladies

and so automatically
you think they should be

hooking up and fucking, right?

- I dunno.
- Okay.

That would be like if
I came to you and like,

"Hey, Maureen, why you
aren't you fucking,

I don't know, the bus driver?"

Oh, I'm also co-owner
of the company.

Oh, of course you are.

Jesus, Maureen!

What?

Oh, oh, I forgot.

You recycle.

[laughs] Oh, my God.

You gotta recycle that attitude.

- [Campbell] Holy shit.
- [Maureen] Okay.

Reduce, reuse,
recycle, motherfucker!

[Campbell] Just like
you do to your men.

- [all] Oh!
- Okay.

[Nora] You have a
lovely speaking voice.

Very clear.

Oh, thank you. [Chuckles]

I actually feel pretty
off my game tonight.

- I ran into my ex before work...
- Ohh.

It's the first time I've
seen him since he dumped me.

- [Abby] What?
- Oh.

Spencer, who would dump you?

Uh, this guy Elliot.

He's a tour guide for The
Untouchables Bus Tour.

It's actually our
biggest competitor, so.

Oh, man.

So there's an entire tour

that's just about
The Untouchables?

Why didn't we do that one?

[Spencer] Yeah.

Anyway, I thought
I was over him,

- but I...
- Breakups are hard, dear.

Especially when you're
in the same... industry?

[Campbell] Oh. "Breakups
are hard, dear!"

You know what?

If that had been me,
it would've been like,

"You need to take a
good look at yourself.

N.O.W."

- Spelling-ass bullshit threats.
- I know.

You're doing great, actually.

I wanna tell you, you're
really doing good.

Just breathe deeply, okay?

All you have to do is get
through the next two hours.

[sighs]

And then it's Two Queens...

On Two Queens.

Yes, queen.

Okay?

- Yes.
- I love you.

- I love you, too.
- We're gonna do it.

You're doing good.

She lasted longer
than I thought.

- [Campbell] Get your camera.
- [Abby] Oh, God, yeah.

[bell dings]

[Spencer] Ooh, okay.

Over there is the hotel
where Alicia and Will

hooked up at the
end of season one.

No, dear, they
didn't get together

until the end of season two.

Right. Right.

Well, it's also the
hotel where Elliot and I

stayed for his sister's wedding.

And he told me we were
gonna split the bill,

and then he never Venmoed me.

What an asshole.

[Grandma Lou] When people show
you who they are, believe them.

[horn beeps]

Look, Campbell, I got a
guy who owes me big time.

I can get you a min pin,
half off, no questions asked.

Jot down this number.
You got a pen and paper?

Min pins. They're inbred
worse than the Habsburgs.

[chuckles] But it would be
nice if you moved on, Campbell.

I think all that wallowing is
bringing out your wrinkles.

Celts don't have collagen.

Relax, everybody!

Campbell doesn't
need to do anything!

She's entitled to
feel how she feels.

If she wants to be sad about
her dog, let her be sad.

I didn't say anything.

It was the ladies
in my book club...

Ba-ba-ba! That's enough.

Now, who wants to get me
some more Pinocchio grigio?

Uh...

Thanks, Big Lou.

No, thank you, dear.

I really needed one of these.

Ol' Bessie's gonna go
right up on my breakfront.

All of my friends
will be so jealous.

- [laughs]
- That's a perfect place.

Okay.

And over there is
the notorious bar

where Alicia and
Kalinda had a drink

at the end of season...

Oh, my God.

That's Elliot's bus!

Oh, that's Elliot's bus?!

Open the window.

- Boo!
- [toy gun rattling]

Elliot! Shame!

Pay Spencer his money!

Your tour guide is
a thief and a liar!

I'm gonna destroy you on
Yelp! You hear me, Elliot?

I'm Yelp Elite, bitch!
You're going down!

Get their asses, all right?
It's a beautiful day to die.

Celts at war. Ya feckers!

[cheers]

Horatio!

Really?

[cheers]

Twenty-three skidoo,
motherfuckers!

- [cheers]
- Come on, ladies!

And bam!

Chicago, Chicago.

That toddlin' town

Chicago, Chicago

I'll show you around, I love it.

Bet your bottom dollar
you'll lose the blues.

In Chicago, Chicago.

The town that Billy Sunday
could not shut down.

On State street,
the great street

[beeping horn]

[all yelling]

[imitates machine gun fire]

[laughs]

Yay. That was amazing. Holy cow.

Yeah, you fucking
nailed it, dude.

Come here.

- You could use more sunscreen.
- [chuckles]

- I love you.
- Yeah.

Don't change the subject.

I love you, too.

Okay. Bye, Mom.

Oh, Grandma!

- [chuckles]
- You've always been my favorite.

[chuckles] Well, it's not
like the competition is stiff.

Oh. [Laughs]

Happy birthday.

Thank you, sweetheart.

- Okay.
- Come on.

- I need you on every tour.
- I will come.

I have a lot of free time.

- You'll come on every tour?
- Fuck yeah, dog.

[both] Hey, bitch.

I cannot throw this
out fast enough.

Oh, wait. I'll take yours.

Okay. Added to the landfill!

Oh, yeah.

Whoo!

- Ow! Fuck!
- [laughs]

Yes.

["Rebel Girl" by
Bikini Kill playing]

That girl thinks she's the
queen of the neighborhood.

She got the hottest
trike in town.

That girl, she holds
her head up so high

I think I wanna be
her best friend, yeah.

Rebel girl, rebel girl.

Rebel girl, you are
the queen of my world.

Rebel girl, rebel girl

I know I wanna take you home,
I wanna try on your clothes.

This is how it's supposed to be.

Damn!

We got wildlife, bitch! [Laughs]

She is my best friend, yeah.

Rebel girl, rebel girl.

Rebel girl, you are
the queen of my world.

Rebel girl, rebel girl

I know I wanna take you home,
I wanna try on your clothes.

Love you like a sister always.

Soul sister, rebel girl.

Come and be my best friend.

Really, rebel girl.

I really like you

I really wanna be
your best friend.

Be my rebel girl

I'm telling you that I love you!

And all you love is my dick!

Do you know how
that makes me feel?

Do ya?

I'm sorry.

Come on, let's go!

I'm finished, Joe.

I can't do this anymore.

Let's go.

Uh, do you need more ice?

[laughs] No, that's good.

We're all right. For once.

[laughs]

[both slurp]

When I see your face.

Puts everything in place.

Everything in place.

And when I see you smile.

Well, it makes me smile.

It makes me smile.

I know.

But still I wonder.

I know.

Yes, I know.

Now I'm really talking.

Now I'm really walking.

Now I'm really living.

And then I see your face.

Puts everything in place.

Everything in place.

You make.

The world sit still.

The world sit still,
the world sit still

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