All language subtitles for Hack My Life s04e01 Addicted to Hacks.eng

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed
to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks
make it worse,

stop what you're doing
immediately.

[ Screams ]

Kevin: "Hack 911" is filmed
on location as it happens.

Is this a dangerous job?

Some people
would say no.

Man:
Attention, all units,

we have reports
of a domestic battery.

Oh, my god!
Scratch that.

Scratch that.

Domestic batter.

It's a bake sale-related
meltdown.

It's like every time
with them.

All right. Let's roll.

♪♪

[ Siren wails ]

♪♪

♪♪

-Hi.
-Hey.

-Ahhh!
-I just have to warn you.

It's bad.
Okay.

So...

Mack: Do you want to tell us
what's going on here, ma'am?

Okay.

Leo's having a bake sale

in his kindergarten class
tomorrow. Okay.

My wife did
the grocery shopping,

and she bought flour!

F-For baking,
or, like...?

No, for ba--
but did you know

all of the emmas
are gluten unwilling?

Mack: Um...

Who are the emmas?

♪♪

Oh, wow.

There are five girls
named Emma

in Leo's class.

Okay.
And all of them

are gluten unwilling.

All of them!

Okay.

Do you have any oats?

You're going to want
to put your oats

in the blender...

♪♪

...and grind them.

[ Blender whirs ]

In under a minute,

you'll have
a gluten-free oat flour

that you can use
as a substitute

for all your treats!

[ Blender whirs ]

I think that'll do it.

And then...

♪♪

...look at this.

Oh, my god.
We're totally back on track.

Mm-hmm.
Hooray.

All right.
We're fine.

Yeah.
Let's finish this recipe.

White sugar?
[ Scoffs ]

-Oh, boy.
-You bought white sugar?

Woman: Is that bad?

♪♪

Brooke: Tonight...

That doesn't look right.
What are you talking about?

...on "hack my life"...

Holy heck!

Kevin: Tag 'em and bag 'em.

We're trying out permanent
marker removal hacks...

My eye patch
is kind of dissolving.

...and the "purr-fect" hacks
for your new kitten.

Brooke:
Plus, Kevin blows us away with his musical hack.

Everybody!

Kevin: Strap in...

Those were dead batteries.

My mind is officially blown.

Kevin: ...This...
It's a hack.

Kevin:
...Is "hack my life".

Today, we've invited three
talented graffiti artists

to deface our faces
using permanent marker

and then attempt to undo
their dirty deeds

by using
three different hacks.

Kevin:
This is hack vs. Hack. This is hack vs. Hack.

Friends, say hello
to brittania, Mario, and Eric.

All right, friends,

here's how this hack vs. Hack
is going down.

You'll each use those
permanent markers in your hands

to do your dirtiest deeds
on our faces.

Those faces.
Not our faces. Just go for it.

Do whatever you need to do.

And then we'll reveal some hacks

and see which one can remove it
the easiest.

Sound good?

-Yep.
-All right, let's do this.

♪♪

-Come on.
-No!

[ Both laugh ]

Mario:
Oh, I like this one.

He's got a bra on.

Kevin:
Oh, the man-kini's good.

But now we want to --
believe it or not --

remove that marker
off of these posters.

You guys ready
to see your hacks?

-Yes.
-Yeah.

-Okay.
-Okay.

Hey! Hacks!

We've got body spray,
hairspray,

and an aerosol lubricant.

All right, so we're gonna go
right down the line,

let everybody pick a hack.
Perfect.

Kevin:
That means we're starting with you, brittania.

What would you like?

I think I want to go
with the hairspray.

-Perfect, okay.
-Here you go.

Brooke: Okay, Mario,

we've got two choices now
left for you to go with.

[ Sighs ]
Well, you know,

I'm not too confident
with either one of them,

so I'll let you
choose for me.

Here you go.
Axe body spray.

All right, Eric,
I will present you

with the hl-70, sir.

Swag.

♪♪

We've got one minute
on the clock.

On your "markers",
get set, go!

Okay, I'm seeing that hairspray
go on brittania's.

Got -- she's putting --

my eye patch
is kind of dissolving.

Oh, and it's --
oh, and I'm downwind from it!

[ Coughs ]
Nobody light a lighter right now.

Yep. Okay.

Our clown faces are
crying clown tears right now

in Mario's...

But look at that!

Eric's just, uh --

he's just spraying
and nothing's happening.

[ Both laugh ]

Brittania is, like,
working her ass off

to make the hairspray...

Okay, we got about
10 seconds, guys.

Nine, eight, seven,

six, five...
You can go ahead and stop, Eric.

...four, three, two, one,

and that is time.

Great job, guys.

♪♪

Whoo.
Okay.

Excellent job.

Let's start with the least
amount of success.

[ Laughs ]
Eric, I'm sorry.

Yeah, yeah, you know
this don't work.

Y'all set me up.

I didn't know!
I didn't know!

You know what I'm saying?
All right.

Let's move
to brittania here.

Hairspray.
Halfway.

I got to you.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

Didn't get to you
so much.

It's really hard.
-This is my awkward,

pre-pubescent,
sort of in-between phase.

It was just
all the elbow grease

for the unsatisfactory
results.

Yeah.
Brooke: But it does work in a pinch.

Well,
that brings us to Mario. Yeah, Mario.

Congratulations...
What the hell, man?

...with that axe spray.
That's great.

Let's pause for a second
and talk about the fact

that that is a perfumed
body spray for men

that people
put on their skin.

As soon as I applied it,

it started
kind of dripping.

-That's really concerning.
-Who knew?

[ Bell dings ]

[ Crowd cheers ]

Kevin:
So, there you go, friends.

The next time you want to get
rid of some permanent marker,

reach for
some axe body spray.

Available at gas stations
and drug stores.

Wherever
sadness can be found. Mm-hmm.

♪♪

[ Buzzer sounding ]

♪♪

♪♪

Brooke: This is Bob.

He may not look like much,
but back in the day,

Bob had some big, dumb dreams,
which didn't quite work out.

Now Bob's a broke-ass,

and he needs every hack
in the book to survive.

This is broke-ass Bob's
guide to a job interview.

[ Cellphone rings]

Hello?

You got the résumé
I faxed back in 2001?

An interview tomorrow?

That sounds great.

I'll see you then.

Holy hell,
you have a job interview.

You'll have to get
your suit cleaned,

get gas for your car,
a shave,

and you're gonna need cash,

but you only have 17 bucks.

Wait, do you even
have a suit?

Yes...

Just a wrinkle or two,

but I'll give it
a steam treatment

for the wrinkles.

♪♪

Brooke:
To get rid of wrinkles,

pop a few ice cubes
in the dryer

and run it on high
for 10 minutes.

It will steam the wrinkles
right out.

Wow, looks great!

Brooke:
I guess it's all relative.

Now let's print
your résumé.

I haven't bought new ink

since y2k messed up
all the computers.

You know that didn't happen,
right?

Ugh, never mind.

Let's revive
that ink cartridge.

Pop out the old one
and run a hair dryer over it.

[ Hair dryer blows ]

The heat will thin
the remaining ink,

giving your cartridge
one last hurrah.

Holy heck! It worked!

Now about that beard --

it's not exactly screaming
"hire me".

Guess I could
use a shave.

Brooke: Let me guess --
you don't have shaving cream.

Sure don't.

How about peanut butter?

You can substitute peanut butter
for shaving cream.

Its thick texture
protects skin from nicks,

and its oil
acts as a moisturizer.

Oh, god, please tell me you're
not saving that for lunch.

Gross!

You're gross.

Well, Bob, looks like
your interview prep

cost you less than 3 bucks.

And when I land the job,
I'll save even more money

by getting free coffee

and stealing toilet paper
from work.

Go get 'em, Bob.

♪♪

Kevin: Coming up...

That doesn't look right.

...it's alive!

We test viewer-submitted hacks
to recharge dead batteries.

These batteries
were legit dead.

Plus, we're going head-to-head
and hack-to-hack

with our furry,
little friends...

It's a scratching post.

...when the hack
comes back.

♪♪

♪♪♪

Kevin:
We now return to "hack 911".

Leo's school has a ban
on white sugar,

so all the approved recipes
use brown sugar.

Mack: Okay, um, Jack,

could you grab
the molasses from my bag?

White sugar is really
just brown sugar

before the molasses
has been refined out of it.

Ah.

So, put a bit of molasses
back in, and...

...voilà.

We have brown sugar.

Crisis averted.

Yep. [ Chuckles ]

-Call us if you need.
-Ahhh!

Jack: Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go!

♪♪

Really?

♪♪

Ah! Get there!
Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, come on, hot fire.
Nope.

Ah! I'm gonna lap you!

Oh, come on.

Come on.

My car is dead.
Oh.

I need a pit crew
to change the battery.

There's a solution
to the problem, okay?

This is hack mail.

Friends,
right in front of us

we have three sets
of completely dead batteries,

and we're gonna try
to revive them

with the power
of your hack.

Whichever set of
hacked batteries

can get our car
across the finish line

receives our...

Hack seal of approval.
Hack seal of approval.

All right, hack number one
comes from Devon

in weehawken, New Jersey.

'Sup, Devon?
He says...

So, the hack is that
the friction generates heat

and somehow,
that heat manifests itself

into delicious energy.

Here we go.

I'm gonna do this
for like a minute.

Listen to
all this friction.

♪♪

That --
that doesn't look right.

What are you talking about?

Okay, here we go.
Moment of truth. Okay.

Completely dead batteries.

We'll set the timer
and see what happens.

Oh!

Really?

I wasn't expecting that.

And now
we're completely dead. Now we're dead.

[ Bell dings ]
All right, so this hack gave the batteries

seven more seconds
of life.

Imagine if you were Devon
and that's all you needed

to just quickly go like...
[Imitates razor buzzing]

And then he's like,
"oh, my god!

I'm gonna get some
tonight". [ Laughs ]

Don't have a half beard.

Hack number two
comes to use from Cassie

in Cobb county, Georgia.

Cassie writes...

There we go.

Here we go.

Batteries in
with the pennies.

♪♪

Let's each shake them
for 30 seconds.

♪♪

I don't understand the science
on this one, Brooke.

I really don't.

Let's see if it works,
shall we?

♪♪

What the [bleep]
no. No.

Come the [bleep] on.
No way.

That's crazy.

These batteries
were legit dead.

And wh-- oh, okay.

It's done.

[ Bell dings ]
Now it's done.

So, the penny hack gave
the batteries enough charge

for another
12 seconds.

Two for two in the oddly,

bizarrely successful
department today.

What's next?

Hack number three
comes from Julian

in scottsdale, Arizona.

He says...

So, I'm gonna go
tip-to-tip.

Okay.

Okay,
those are touching.

If this is a three-for,

my mind will
officially be blown

for the first time
on this show.

All right, let's set these aside
for five minutes

and see what happens.

♪♪

In three, two, juice!

Whoa!
Are you kidding?

No.

♪♪

Hot damn.

Those were dead batteries.

Has anybody called
space hacks yet?

And it's still going.

I'll be damned.

No, come on.

And there's no sign
of slowing down.

That's the other thing,
is that this is going.

I think we're finally
running out of juice.

Yes, over five minutes
of added charge.

All three worked.

But one was just
a tour De force.

Okay, so let's make it
official. All right.

Julian...
Julian from Arizona,

you and your
battery-tape hack...

...win our...

Hack seal of approval.
Hack seal of approval.

Whoo!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

For "batter" or worse,
we probably all have

an old waffle maker just
lying around, collecting dust.

Well, go grab it, guys,

'cause waffle irons
aren't just for waffles anymore.

Today, I'm gonna show you

how to hack all your meals
for the day

using nothing
but a waffle iron.

Stop waffling about
what to eat right now,

and let's get started.

Okay, all you need
are some eggs,

some chopped up veggies
of your choice,

throw in a little cheese,
salt and pepper,

and nonstick spray.

I like to call it a "wafflet".

Let's just start with two eggs.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Then I'm gonna add some onion
and peppers diced up,

some cheese.

Like always.

Some things never change, guys.

Okay, we've got
our waffle iron on.

Lube this bad boy up.

All you do is pour
this gorgeous concoction

right into the four sectors
of waffly, eggy deliciousness.

Okay, see you on the other side,
eggies.

I'm gonna let this sit
for about three minutes,

and while
our eggs are cooking...

It's time for lunch,

and we're gonna make
pizza pockets.

All you need to start with
is some Crescent roll dough,

pepperoni --
if that's how you roll --

a little bit
of mozzarella cheese,

and some marinara
for dipping that bad boy.

So, honestly, the hardest part
of this whole hack

is getting this thing open.

Ah.

Just throw everything --
[ Tube pops ]

Ahh! [ Laughs ]

It was ready to pop.

All right, so you just go ahead

and start laying down
some pepperonis.

Then I'm gonna add
some delicious cheese.

Pop this guy on top.

Kind of pinch
the whole thing together.

We're hacking a pizza, guys.

And I'm gonna throw it on our
second waffle iron over here,

and, like last time,

we're gonna let this cook
for three minutes.

All right, guys, eggs are done.

These guys look rad.

I'm just gonna do the old --
ahh!

Okay, that's great.

Look at these!

These are delicious, cheesy,
fluffy eggs.

Best of all, you can drive
and one-hand these bitches

on the way to work.

Then it's pizza waffle
party time.

I mean, it looks like waffle,
which is delicious in itself,

but it's filled with pepperoni!

Yeah, there we have it.

I'm gonna do a cross-section

so you can see
how delicious this is.

Oh, boy.

♪♪

Gets a little hip dance.
Gets a little...

♪♪

Kevin: Up next...

Who's got the most adorable hack

to take care of a new kitten?

Look at this little cat tent
that I made for him!

Brooke:
And still to come...

Kevin: It's a garbage bag.

Brooke: ...One man's trash

is another man's bagpipes...

[ Trash bag plays
a sour note ]

...when we come back.

♪♪

Kevin:
We now return to "hack 911."

Ahhh!

Jack: Go, go, go, go!

What is the matter?

It is gluten free!

I accidentally spelled
Dillon -with-an-"i"'s name

with a "y".

[ Sighs ]
Let's see this.

It's fine.

Yep.

Jack: Hey, could you live
with having a cake

that didn't have
six icing names on it?

Yes?

Jack, you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Oh, yeah!

Cookie cutter, sprinkles,
stat.

The first thing that
you're gonna want to do

is spread the colored frosting
in with the white.

You simply choose
your cookie cutter,

place it on the cake,
fill it up with sprinkles...

Then gently remove
the cookie cutter from the cake

and repeat
as many times as you like.

And voilà.
-You saved our cake.

Well, thank you guys
so much.

Grab a gluten-free cookie
on the way out.

Oh, thank you so much.

See you later.

Bye, guys. Thank you.

Whoa.

♪♪

It's host against host...

...and hack against hack.

We're going head-to-head

to see
who's the better hacker.

Whoever runs
out of hacks first

is clearly the loser.

This is
anything you can hack...

...i can hack better.

Aww, your kitten
is so adorable, kev.

So is yours, Brooke.

We should probably pit them
against each other

in a cutthroat battle
of the hacks.

Game on.

Right, tigger?

[ Cat hisses ]

Brooke,
I got to tell you,

Sushi and I having
an absolute blast over here,

but a fun fact --

turns out kittens
love to scratch things,

like people.

So, I'm protecting
all my furniture

with aluminum foil.

It's super easy.

♪♪

Cats hate the feeling
of aluminum foil on their paws,

and because I'm a human,
I don't care.

My concerns outweigh
the cat's.

Cool hack, right?

Wow,
that's quite a look, kev.

You know, I just decided
to embrace

tigger's instincts
to scratch

and cover my table legs
with a cool, rustic rope.

No scratches on here.

It's a scratching post.

Doesn't this look
so much better

than whatever
you're doing?

Okay, but if you're
so into decor, Brooke,

what are you doing about
cat hair on your furniture?

Because I have
a great hack.

You just take a rubber glove

and give all that unwanted fur
a little swipe.

Brooke: Delicious.

By using a dryer sheet,

I can magnetize
tigger's hair,

pick it up all at once,

and then throw
the whole thing away.

Boom.

Oh...
Wow.

All right, let's call
that one a draw.

But let me tell you,
when it comes to bedtime,

Sushi and I
straight crush it.

Look at this little cat tent
that I made for him!

Yeah, he sleeps in there
instead of on my face

so I can just enjoy
his gentle purrs

instead of
a mouthful of fur,

and it's super,
super easy to make.

You just unbend
two wire hangers,

attach them
to a piece of cardboard,

tape the top part
where the hangers intersect,

and then pull a t-shirt
over the whole thing.

Voilà, kitty tent.

Look at the little
kitty tent.

That actually seems
pretty useful.

Cats really, really love
to face sleep.

I just pop on
my sweet hockey mask,

and I call it a night.

Right?

No, you can't be serious.

It totally works.

I've been sleeping great.

Brooke, you're out of hacks.

We both know it,
so just admit defeat.

Even Sushi knows
you're full of [bleep].

[Sighsfine.

[ Buzzer sounds ]

I'm actually more of
a dog person anyways.

♪♪

Kevin:
Up next, one man's trash bag is another man's bagpipe...

[ Trash bag plays sour note ]

...when we come back.

♪♪

I'm officer Jack.

You might recognize me
as the star

of the hit show "hack 911."

But I'm here today
to talk to you about something serious --

childproof
medicine bottles.

These can produce feelings
of frustration,

stupidity, and depression,
and it's not right.

But there is a way out,
and it's a hack.

All you got to do is take
this nightmare of a cap

and flip it over.

See that threading?

It's meant to be twisted like so
into the bottle.

And boom.
Fits like a glove.

Now that's a pill I can swallow.

♪♪

Yep.

Y'all gonna cut?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Kevin: The cheeseburger --

star of
Memorial Day barbecues,

cornerstone of
the fast-food economy,

but did you know this beloved
piece of char-broiled americana

began as a hack from history?

Pasadena, 1926.

16-year-old
Lionel sternberger

is a line cook
at his dad's diner.

Lionel can't stop burning
those tender beef patties...

Oh, man.

...but this sloppy teen
is smarter than he looks,

or maybe it was
just dumb luck.

Either way, he hacks
the perfect cover-up.

Plot twist -- his cheesy
cover-up is a culinary hit.

Customers begin to request
cheese on their burgers.

Can I please have one
of those hamburgers with cheese on it?

The cheese hamburger
is officially added to the menu.

Cheese-hamburger fever
sweeps the nation.

Denver, 1935.

Louis ballast of
the humpty dumpty drive-in

trademarks the name
"cheeseburger".

1948 -- the McDonald brothers
stop selling barbecue

and start
selling cheeseburgers.

We're gonna need
a bigger burger.

It's cheeseburger mania.

The tasty hack
takes the country by storm,

which brings us to today.

Americans chow down on billions
of cheeseburgers every year.

God bless america.

Here's to you,
Lionel sternberger.

Who knew your teenage screw-up

would lead to the tastiest
fast-food hack of all time?

♪♪

Oh, hello again, friends,

and welcome to
let's make a thing,

where one man's trash
is another man's treasure.

Let's see what's in the box.

Oh...

It's a garbage bag.

Today, we're making bagpipes
out of a trash bag.

Here's what you need --

the garbage bag,
some recorders,

some tape, scissors,
and a straw.

Okay, first things first.

I'm gonna cut it.

Right down the line we go.

Yeah!

We got to tape up
this opening here,

but we have to make sure
we insert a few things first --

number one, a straw.

So, we're gonna tape both sides
of the bag up to that.

♪♪

Make a nice, airtight seal
around that straw.

Okay, now we're gonna continue
with the sealing of the bag.

♪♪

Don't want any air
leaking out.

Now we're gonna stuff
our first recorder into the top,

right about here.

This is gonna be the drone note
for the bagpipes,

and to play
the lowest note possible,

we have to cover all
the holes on the recorder.

All right,
get a nice, long strip

for all of the holes
along the recorder.

Okay, we're almost there,
friends.

One final step.

Corner cut.

Recorder's going in.

Tape it up.

And don't tape over any holes
on the second recorder

because you'll use this one
to play different notes.

I'm gonna blast a bunch of air
into this thing.

Here we go.

[ Blows ]

[ Bagpipe music plays ]

[ Trash bag plays sour notes ]

Paul Simon fans, I hear you.

This one's for you.

♪♪

Everybody!

Call me out.

[ Blows ]

This hack may take
your dignity,

but it will never take
your freedom!

[ Blows ]

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