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1
00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:03,202
??(dramatic music) ??
2
00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:12,111
(machine gun fire,
explosions, screams)
3
00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:15,547
Too many people,
not enough bullets.
4
00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,583
(a baby crying)
5
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:36,368
Do you mind?!
6
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:37,703
Ssshh!
7
00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:46,712
Hey! Ketchup is a
privilege, not a right!
8
00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:48,547
Where are your parents?
9
00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:03,295
Yes! A quarter!
10
00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:05,364
Things are finally looking up.
11
00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:07,099
Ugggh.
12
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:10,102
What is wrong
with parents today?
13
00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:12,771
There you are, Kale.
Are you enjoying your frolic?
14
00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:15,541
I demand answers.
15
00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:19,344
Why isn't this savage wearing
pants like the rest of us?
16
00:01:19,346 --> 00:01:21,780
We subscribe
to Dr. Davis-Siegel's
17
00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:23,649
child-led method
of parenting.
18
00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:25,117
I'm Jean Goodhill.
19
00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:27,219
This is my soul mate,
Flynn Goodhill.
20
00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:30,456
Namaste.
21
00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,224
Back off, weirdos!
22
00:01:32,226 --> 00:01:35,160
And while you're at it,
clothe your youngin'!
23
00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:38,130
Sir, I think what
you need is a hug.
24
00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:39,565
Kale!
25
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,333
Get in there, buddy!
26
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:42,668
Wait! No!
27
00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:43,735
(splash)
28
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:53,078
PARENTS!!!!!
29
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:56,148
I'm a parent.
30
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:12,998
And I'll say it again:
just say no to parenthood!
31
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:16,435
Only then will you be on
the path of the righteous!
32
00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:20,639
Over the course of a parent's
life, their child will cost
33
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:24,510
them more than
one million dollars!
34
00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:27,613
Money that could be
spent on a yacht!
35
00:02:27,615 --> 00:02:30,315
A car made out of gold!
36
00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:33,619
Even one of those apes
that knows sign language!
37
00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:35,954
(man screaming)
38
00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:37,956
I still don't get why it's
called it a farmer's market.
39
00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:39,625
They didn't even sell overalls.
40
00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:41,360
At least we got all
these great vegetables.
41
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:42,661
Is that--
42
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:43,729
Don't throw your lives
away on people who will
43
00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:46,131
only grow up to resent you!
44
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:49,835
Don't believe me?
Just ask my parents!
45
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:53,505
Wow, Dan. I guess I always knew
you'd end up a raving derelict.
46
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:58,076
Sister, I am cutting off
parenting at its source.
47
00:02:58,078 --> 00:03:00,078
Can I get a Dan's great?
48
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:03,015
Woo-hoo!
49
00:03:03,017 --> 00:03:07,319
O...K... Dan, people don't need
to be told how to be parents.
50
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:09,521
And if they do, not by you.
51
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:12,024
They can just go to
Toddler Todd's Tykeland.
52
00:03:12,026 --> 00:03:15,027
What in the name of
all things unholy is
53
00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:17,362
Toddler Todd's Tykeland?
54
00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:18,931
It's where everyone goes
to learn all the latest
55
00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:20,032
parenting techniques.
56
00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:21,166
Why do you know that?
57
00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:23,035
Well I started doing
some research.
58
00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:24,670
Eventually, you and I are
gonna wanna have chil--
59
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:25,904
OK, Dan. I'll help you.
60
00:03:27,942 --> 00:03:31,476
Oh man, oh man, she's... she's
already dropping the "c" word.
61
00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:33,011
I mean what am I gonna do?
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00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:34,112
That's easy.
63
00:03:34,114 --> 00:03:36,148
I know a great
divorce attorney.
64
00:03:36,150 --> 00:03:39,318
Well, not great,
but he did represent my dad.
65
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,220
I wonder whatever
happened to the old man.
66
00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:44,189
Well, you should
write him sometime.
67
00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:46,058
Why would I write to
a divorce attorney?
68
00:03:48,295 --> 00:03:49,861
Here's what we're going do:
69
00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:51,964
cover you in maple syrup,
70
00:03:51,966 --> 00:03:53,865
roll you in feathers.
Then you go in--
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00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:55,634
Whoa. I'm not- not going an-
not going anywhere near kids.
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00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:56,835
I'm freaked out enough.
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00:03:56,837 --> 00:03:58,303
Baby!
74
00:04:01,175 --> 00:04:06,411
? (kids laughing) ?
75
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,247
You're doing great, parents.
76
00:04:08,249 --> 00:04:11,817
Keep reminding your kids
just how special they are!
77
00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:14,586
And kids, don't hold back.
78
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:18,023
You're freeeee!
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00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:20,292
Toddler Todd, I presume.
80
00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:22,127
Who are you?
81
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:25,497
I'm with the World Parenting
Organization and I'm pleased
82
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:29,167
to inform you that you're the
recipient of our Child Educator
83
00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:31,169
of the Year award.
84
00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:32,638
Finally.
85
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,140
It was getting old losing to
Funtastic Fred every year.
86
00:04:35,142 --> 00:04:36,608
I hear ya.
87
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,211
Anyway, I've got your plaque
right here in my trunk.
88
00:04:39,213 --> 00:04:43,982
?
?
89
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:46,051
(grunting)
90
00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:48,120
Ow!
91
00:04:48,122 --> 00:04:49,554
(slamming trunk door)
92
00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:53,558
(kids laughing)
93
00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:58,330
Ah!
94
00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:00,065
Ahem!
95
00:05:07,141 --> 00:05:08,240
Ahem!!!!
96
00:05:08,242 --> 00:05:09,641
(grunts)
97
00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:18,884
May I have your
attention please?
98
00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:22,921
SHUT UP!!!
99
00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:31,930
I'd like to inform you that
Toddler Todd has...um,
100
00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:33,198
been arrested.
101
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,033
For clown trafficking.
102
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:36,368
(baby crying)
103
00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:39,771
Yeah. I'm your substitute
toddler guy, Dan.
104
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:43,875
Now who here has heard
of the DAN Method?
105
00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:50,782
I'm not surprised, considering
you're all awful parents!
106
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:55,187
But there is hope! Let me
break it down for you.
107
00:05:55,189 --> 00:06:00,792
DAN stands for discipline,
action, knowledge.
108
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:03,328
The three pillars
of parenthood.
109
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:06,932
Hi, Dan. Jean Goodhill.
We met earlier in the park.
110
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:09,267
I'm not sure I understand.
111
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:10,836
Well, Jean--
112
00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:11,937
(baby crying hysterically)
113
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:13,171
Are you going to get that?
114
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,608
In child-led parenting,
115
00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:19,745
we believe babies have the
right to express themselves.
116
00:06:19,747 --> 00:06:21,813
Oh do you now?
117
00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:23,982
Watch and learn.
118
00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:27,586
Ahem.
119
00:06:27,588 --> 00:06:30,856
WHAAA!!! WHAA!!
120
00:06:32,126 --> 00:06:34,126
THAT'S WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE!!!
121
00:06:34,128 --> 00:06:38,797
BLOO GLEE GLAA!!
122
00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:41,400
?
?
123
00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:49,574
This is no way to treat the
Child Educator of the Year.
124
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,177
That was random.
125
00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:02,187
Kale, I need you to scrape
the mold out of the AC unit.
126
00:07:04,491 --> 00:07:06,057
You love this thing, right?
127
00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:10,562
Back to work!
128
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:16,268
Did everyone see how
I parented Kale?
129
00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:20,405
I incorporated all aspects
of the DAN Method.
130
00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:24,075
I DISCIPLINED him by
making him scrape mold.
131
00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:29,247
I ACTED when I destroyed
his favorite toy. And I-
132
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,416
Dan, I know the kids are
well-behaved right now,
133
00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:34,019
but couldn't the DAN Method
give them long-term
134
00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:35,620
psychological damage?
135
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,456
Who cares?
136
00:07:37,458 --> 00:07:41,827
It's better than your enabling,
coddling, spoiling nonsense.
137
00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,762
I really hope you
don't have kids.
138
00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:45,030
You'd make an awful parent.
139
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:46,998
What are you talking about?
140
00:07:48,535 --> 00:07:52,971
If I wanted to, I could be
the best parent in the world!
141
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:55,373
Help me! I've been assaulted!
142
00:07:55,375 --> 00:07:57,042
By who?
143
00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:58,810
Him!
144
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,946
There's a simple explanation--
145
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,885
Hey, Dan, question for you...
146
00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,987
No, it didn't go well in there.
147
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,656
Sometimes you can't reach
people with words alone.
148
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:14,092
You have to lead by example.
149
00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:18,129
Chris, I've decided
to become a father.
150
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:19,631
(music sting)
151
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:28,840
If I'm not ready to be a father,
there's no way you are.
152
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,242
You're not married.
153
00:08:30,244 --> 00:08:32,644
You don't-- you don't
even have a girlfriend.
154
00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:35,180
Why would I want
a woman in my life?
155
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:37,949
Taking care of a child will
be enough of a burden.
156
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:40,685
That's my point.
It's a lot of work.
157
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,921
You can't just feed
a baby turkey sandwiches
158
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:44,556
like you do Mr. Mumbles.
159
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,526
A lot of work or not,
160
00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,794
I have a calling.
161
00:08:49,796 --> 00:08:53,031
The sooner people see
what a great parent I am,
162
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,800
the sooner everyone
adopts the DAN Method
163
00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:59,170
and the sooner we all live
in a bratless utopia.
164
00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:03,408
I don't see what
the big deal is.
165
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:06,444
You thought you could just
walk into a doctor's office
166
00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:08,113
and ask to be cloned?
167
00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:10,549
I'm sorry.
Am I speaking Pig Latvian?
168
00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:12,117
(clears throat)
169
00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:15,287
Cloning humans
isn't even remotely legal.
170
00:09:15,289 --> 00:09:18,089
I would never put my career
on the line for that.
171
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:21,560
Ohh, man!
172
00:09:21,562 --> 00:09:23,261
I guess I'll adopt.
173
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:24,362
Whoa!
174
00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:30,802
Sure.
The pictures are cute.
175
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:34,072
You can't smell them
in pictures.
176
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:36,174
Okay, next question.
177
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:38,910
Do you have a preference
between boy or girl?
178
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,579
(murmurs softly)
179
00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:43,615
Well, women are kinder,
gentler,
180
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:45,483
naturally
more compassionate.
181
00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:48,286
But men do get paid more.
182
00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:49,754
Boy.
183
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,256
Okeydokey.
184
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:53,124
And would you like a child
that is American,
185
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,526
foreign, or swirl?
186
00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:58,129
Hmm, what do you think,
Chris?
187
00:09:58,131 --> 00:10:00,165
I think this whole thing
is a huge mistake,
188
00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:01,533
and I won't let you do it.
189
00:10:01,535 --> 00:10:03,134
No preference.
190
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:06,004
Just sign here
and you're all set.
191
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:07,706
Dan, if you have
any respect for me
192
00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:10,375
or what I think,
you won't sign that.
193
00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:13,612
Oh, Dan.
194
00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:16,514
What have you done?
195
00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:18,350
So should I pull the car up,
196
00:10:18,352 --> 00:10:20,485
or does he already know
how to walk?
197
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:24,322
Actually, your baby boy
won't arrive for 6-8 years.
198
00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:26,458
There's quite a wait list
for healthy infants.
199
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:30,028
But I wanted to drive home
a new child today.
200
00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:33,198
I'm afraid the only way
we could get you a kid right now
201
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:37,636
is if you were
willing to somehow... settle.
202
00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:40,138
What do you mean,
"settle"?
203
00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:44,175
This is where
we keep the, uh...
204
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:47,379
ahem, irregulars.
205
00:10:47,381 --> 00:10:50,181
It can't hurt to do
a little window shopping.
206
00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:53,485
Uh, maybe not this one.
207
00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:57,489
Oh, she's cute.
208
00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:58,890
(ribbits)
209
00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:00,425
She can be the backup plan.
210
00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:02,060
Who's in here?
211
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,864
(in an evil voice)
This is not my true form.
212
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,632
??(dramatic music) ??
213
00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:10,468
Elise, you gotta help me.
214
00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:12,270
I'm at the adoption agency
with Dan
215
00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:14,973
and he's trying
to take home a kid.
216
00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:17,475
What? There's no one
less qualified
217
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:18,877
to be a parent than Dan.
218
00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:20,311
You don't have to tell me.
219
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:22,180
A child would be better off
floating down a river
220
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,715
in a basket.
221
00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:25,984
Not like you,
the strong, nurturing type.
222
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:27,652
You were born
to be a father.
223
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:28,620
Aah!
224
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:34,459
Listen, I'm thinking
this may not be--
225
00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:36,061
What's wrong with this one?
226
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:39,631
Oh, that's Dennis.
227
00:11:39,633 --> 00:11:42,867
He's...
just a little rambunctious.
228
00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:45,236
Hi. I'm Dan.
229
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:46,871
Who cares?
230
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,540
(chuckles)
231
00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:49,841
What you got there?
232
00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:51,810
Catapult.
233
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:53,545
What are you gonna do
with it?
234
00:11:53,547 --> 00:11:56,281
Get back at Pen 23
for stealing my pudding.
235
00:12:00,454 --> 00:12:01,653
(grunting)
236
00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:14,299
He's perfect!
I'll take him.
237
00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:18,503
Ohh... Unfortunately,
Dennis was just adopted.
238
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:20,538
What?
By who?
239
00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:21,306
(knocks at door)
240
00:12:21,308 --> 00:12:22,707
Excuse me.
241
00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:25,477
Angelina, there are some
people here to see you.
242
00:12:25,479 --> 00:12:26,845
(giggling)
243
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,713
Aah!
244
00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:31,149
Hey, what are you jerks
doing here?
245
00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:32,784
These are the Goodhills.
246
00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:34,185
Dennis' new parents.
247
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:37,055
(grumbling)
248
00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:47,398
Well, you gave the kid thing
your best shot.
249
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,033
Want me to buy you
a cookie?
250
00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:56,374
What you got in there?
A toy?
251
00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:58,476
Whoa!
A shiv. Ha ha.
252
00:12:58,478 --> 00:12:59,477
Mine, mine!
253
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:01,279
Sorry, buddy.
That's not safe.
254
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:02,647
Mine. Mine. Mine!
255
00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:05,183
I'll give it back to you
after I cover it in foam.
256
00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:06,851
Ow!
257
00:13:07,854 --> 00:13:09,988
Hand over Dennis,
258
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:12,857
or I'm throwing your keys
in the sewer.
259
00:13:12,859 --> 00:13:15,927
I'm sensing a lot of anger
from you.
260
00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:18,096
You want me to help you
work through it?
261
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:19,297
Work this!
262
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,832
It's sewer time!
263
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:24,569
No!
264
00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:29,474
Dan, if you don't
stop this right now,
265
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,309
you can forget
about that cookie.
266
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,510
Give me my keys.
267
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,512
Give me my son!
268
00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,514
Dennis is ours.
269
00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:37,982
We have legally
adopted him.
270
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,652
And Flynn, stop this.
You're a pacifist.
271
00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:43,054
(thuds, groans)
272
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:47,225
It's bad enough
you're ruining your own kid.
273
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:49,194
I'm not gonna let you
ruin mine.
274
00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:54,365
Why don't we just
let Dennis decide?
275
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:55,366
What?
276
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:56,367
Huh?
277
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:58,703
That's a terrible idea.
278
00:13:58,705 --> 00:14:01,239
Dennis is in a very
vulnerable place right now.
279
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:03,741
Instead of clouding his aura
with negative energy,
280
00:14:03,743 --> 00:14:06,177
we should be empowering him.
281
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:08,580
And what better way
than by letting him choose
282
00:14:08,582 --> 00:14:10,415
his own parents.
283
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:15,453
Really? You'd make it
that easy for me?
284
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:19,023
I might as well start lining
his crate with newspaper.
285
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,125
Then I guess you
have nothing to lose.
286
00:14:21,127 --> 00:14:23,862
Dennis can spend a day
with each of us.
287
00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:27,065
Then he can decide who
he wants to raise him.
288
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:30,802
Jean, are you sure
about this?
289
00:14:30,804 --> 00:14:33,538
Would you rather chase him
around with a shiv?
290
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,139
My shiv!
291
00:14:35,141 --> 00:14:37,475
Never let 'em
take your shiv, kid.
292
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,310
That's how you get punked.
293
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,713
We'll take him the rest
of today, and you can--
294
00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:44,716
No way!
I'm going first.
295
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:47,552
Dennis, get ready
for the first day
296
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,554
of the rest of your life.
297
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,256
He just took our car seat.
298
00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:55,026
(screaming)
299
00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:57,028
(both laughing)
300
00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:01,232
(both laughing)
301
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,672
(laughing)
302
00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:15,480
(mouthing)
303
00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:20,184
(laughter)
304
00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:28,760
Dan and Dennis
had so much fun yesterday,
305
00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:30,528
I was thinking,
"If he can do it,
306
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:32,363
I can do it."
307
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:35,600
That's great, but I still
don't think Dan can do it.
308
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:38,670
That's 'cause you haven't
heard of the DAN Method.
309
00:15:38,672 --> 00:15:39,804
(murmurs, smacks)
310
00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:41,205
The what?
311
00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:44,108
You know--
discipline, action, knowledge.
312
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,779
(door opens)
313
00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:50,682
I'm driving myself crazy
here, guys.
314
00:15:50,684 --> 00:15:54,352
All I can think about
is the stupid Goodhills
315
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:56,287
ruining my future son.
316
00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:58,656
Good morning
to you too, Dan.
317
00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:02,727
They're probably building up
his self-esteem as we speak.
318
00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:06,497
(echoing blips on phone)
319
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,299
What was that sound?
320
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:11,803
I tricked Dennis into
swallowing a GPS locator.
321
00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:13,671
It beeps when he moves.
322
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:17,075
That is wrong
for so many reasons.
323
00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:20,778
What's at Magnolia
and Oxnard?
324
00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:22,013
(gasps)
325
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,448
Oh, no.
326
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:25,450
Of course!
327
00:16:25,452 --> 00:16:28,353
The secret weapon
any parent can use
328
00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:30,154
to make a child love them.
329
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,256
Come on, Chris!
330
00:16:32,258 --> 00:16:34,492
I should go with him.
I have so much to learn.
331
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:35,994
(stammers)
332
00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:37,195
(door opens)
333
00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:47,972
I'm confused. Is this the
discipline or the action part?
334
00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:50,541
And isn't knowledge
spelled with a "k"?
335
00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:52,744
I told you to take notes.
336
00:16:55,949 --> 00:16:58,616
This place is awesome!
337
00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:02,186
??(joyous music) ??
338
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:07,592
??(dramatic music) ??
339
00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:10,828
(groaning)
340
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,900
Did you see
that stack of toys?
341
00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:18,669
Wish they were my parents.
342
00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:23,741
Well played, Goodhills.
343
00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:26,344
You can always
buy a child's love.
344
00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:28,179
Aha!
345
00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:29,013
Wait here.
346
00:17:31,785 --> 00:17:33,851
(humming)
347
00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:42,660
This ends now.
348
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:45,263
It says,
"Batteries not included."
349
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:46,330
Augh.
350
00:17:46,332 --> 00:17:47,899
(grunting)
351
00:17:52,872 --> 00:17:55,106
Looks good to me.
352
00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:57,208
What do you think,
Dennis? Huh?
353
00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:59,444
Whee!
354
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:02,580
(laughing)
355
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,782
Oh, no, you don't.
356
00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:09,754
Oh!
357
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,722
Well, you tried.
Time to go.
358
00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:17,328
What are you doing here?
359
00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:19,230
It's our day with Dennis.
360
00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:21,899
Bribing Dennis with toys?
361
00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:25,470
A fine pair of hippies
you turned out to be.
362
00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:28,272
You two aren't fit
to raise him!
363
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:30,141
We're not fit?
364
00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:32,677
You're the one who just
flew him across the store
365
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,612
by his adorable suspenders.
366
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:36,080
Leave us alone!
367
00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:37,648
Oh, yeah?
368
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:39,617
Who's gonna make me?
369
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:43,054
Me!
370
00:18:52,866 --> 00:18:56,167
You just made
your last mistake!
371
00:18:56,169 --> 00:18:58,169
Hey, what are you doing?
372
00:18:58,171 --> 00:18:59,270
(grunting)
373
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:05,376
(ignition starts, revs)
374
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,329
Dan!
Wait up!
375
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:26,631
Aah!
(grunts)
376
00:19:29,102 --> 00:19:31,335
(chuckles)
377
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:32,870
(mechanical clanging)
378
00:19:33,907 --> 00:19:37,074
Come on.
Come on!
379
00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:46,317
(grunts)
380
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:48,586
You awful little man.
381
00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:50,021
Look what you made me do.
382
00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:52,089
I'm a pacifist.
383
00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:57,028
Let us raise our children
in peace!
384
00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:06,604
(grunts)
385
00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:10,041
Aah!
386
00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:11,609
(groaning)
387
00:20:17,150 --> 00:20:18,883
So what's your bedtime?
388
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,651
(gasps)
There you are, Dennis.
389
00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:21,786
You're coming with me.
390
00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:23,354
What are you talking about?
391
00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:26,290
He's mine.
I won him fair and square.
392
00:20:26,292 --> 00:20:29,126
Dan, he'll never be yours.
393
00:20:29,128 --> 00:20:30,628
Why?
394
00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:33,364
Everything I did
was in self-defense.
395
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:35,166
It's not just that.
396
00:20:35,168 --> 00:20:38,035
Your background check
also came back.
397
00:20:38,037 --> 00:20:40,137
(whistles)
398
00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:43,641
I don't care what
Homeland Security says.
399
00:20:43,643 --> 00:20:47,144
I know I'm the best parent
for Dennis.
400
00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:48,813
Well, I care.
401
00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:51,983
And unfortunately for you,
I make the decision.
402
00:20:51,985 --> 00:20:54,185
Dennis is going
with the Goodhills.
403
00:20:54,187 --> 00:20:55,386
Oh, yeah?
404
00:20:55,388 --> 00:20:57,888
What makes you
qualified to decide?
405
00:20:57,890 --> 00:20:59,890
I'm a parent.
406
00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:01,626
Agh!
407
00:21:01,628 --> 00:21:03,594
(grunts)
408
00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:07,498
Just give me a moment.
409
00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:14,705
Promise me
you'll steal from them
410
00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:16,641
every chance you get.
411
00:21:16,643 --> 00:21:18,175
Oh, I will.
412
00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:26,617
So what do you think, Elise?
413
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:27,785
Should we have a kid?
414
00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:30,955
(grunting)
415
00:21:30,957 --> 00:21:33,557
I think we already do.
416
00:21:33,559 --> 00:21:35,459
Yeah.
417
00:21:35,461 --> 00:21:37,194
Maybe a dog's
the way to go.
418
00:21:37,244 --> 00:21:41,794
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