All language subtitles for Dan Vs s01e12 George Washington.eng

So you're
what's been keeping me up.

Jerk.

Sorry, Mr. Mumbles.

Stupid reading.

You, George Washington,

so-called
Father of Our Country.

Ungrateful troublemaker,
if you ask me.

After everything
that generous monarch did

for this country--

Oh, forget it.

Now's not the time or the place.

I'm going back to bed.

Oh, perfect.

Oh, no.
My car! My car!

My car!

Why, palm tree?

Why?

This tree has been murdered...

but by whom?

Curious.
These footprints

were obviously
made by a buckle-y shoe.

Wig powder, uncut.

A puzzle is coming together,

but what is the picture?

Of course.

I should have known.

GEORGE WASHINGTON!!!

Hey, want to come
jogging with me?

Oh, come on!

Yesterday you said
you were feeling a little fat.

No, I thought you said
I was feeling a little fat.

Hey, either way, it was said.
Let's go!

Oh, hey, if you're running
by the donut place...

I'm not running
by the donut place.

Morning.

Dan. Ah, you scared
the heck out of me.

Good.

What are you doing
in my closet?

I need your help
and clean socks.

You can't borrow my socks.

Too late.

What are you doing here?

We are going to destroy
George Washington.

- The school or the monument?
- The person.

Okay.
Well, good news.

George Washington's dead,

has been for 200 years.

If he's dead,

where did I get this?

Hey, you almost hit my foot.

Focus. George Washington
is up to his old tricks.

Clearly, he chopped down

a palm tree
in front of my apartment,

and it fell on my car.

So by "up to his old tricks,"

you mean that old myth about him
chopping down a cherry tree.

It's not a myth.
It's American history.

- It is not.
- Why do you hate America?

Ah.
Starting early today, Dan?

Dan thinks George Washington
chopped down a palm tree

and smashed his car.

So it's going to be
one of those days.

I tried reasoning with him.

- With Dan?
- I see your point.

When she refers to me
in the third person,

- it's horribly rude.
- Apologies, Dan.

You do know that George
Washington is dead, right?

I have proof otherwise.

It's next to my foot.

An ax with "G.W."
scratched in the handle.

That's your proof?

What else do you need,
wig powder?

I'll vacuum later.

I was going to do some work
around the house today.

Can you take Dan
somewhere else?

See, there's that
third-person thing again.

She might want to watch that.

Okay, somebody's got to say it.

George Washington
did not rise from the dead

to destroy your car.

I never said
he rose from the dead.

So, what, he's immortal
like a vampire?

I never said he's a vampire.

He could have...

slept for a long time.

Okay, assuming you're
not cuckoo,

how do you expect to find
George Washington?

He's 200 years old.

How far could he have gotten?

I have a better idea.
Let's grab a donut, relax,

maybe call that doctor
the court ordered you to see.

George Washington!
Stop the car!

Is that-- can't be.

Please visit
the hallowed halls of history.

Gotcha!

Somebody help!
This guy is crazy!

Tree murderer!
Car killer!

- Police!
- Dan, stop.

But we've got him.

Look.

I'm an actor.

I play George Washington
here at the museum.

See?

In that case, I apologize.

He couldn't be
the real George Washington.

That's true.
The real George Washington

has been dead
for over 200 years.

Oh?
I was not aware of that.

I've been telling you
all morning!

True.

So you didn't believe me,
but you believe him?

Yeah. He's the expert.

You don't know that.

What's George Washington's
birthday?

Presidents' Day.

Presidents' Day
changes every year. See?

I believe him.

So what do you have
against G.W.?

- He chopped down a tree.
- The cherry tree, right?

He did it again.

This time, it hit my car.

Well, he must have done it from
beyond the grave. Guy's dead.

Beyond the grave.

This is why our children
are getting dumber,

no standards.

- We don't have children.
- You know what I mean.

Hey, you want to stop
for donuts?

No time! We have to get back
at George Washington!

I've been telling you,

and that poorly informed
impersonator told you

George Washington is dead.

Dead, dead, dead.

Just because he's dead

doesn't mean
he didn't chop down that tree.

That's exactly
what it means, actually.

It does not!

George Washington is out there,

Iaughing in our faces,

and I think I know
just how to find him.

That doesn't
sound like donuts.

Come on, Dan.

This is crazy, even for you.

Crazy like someone
who's getting back

at the long-dead
Founding Father of our--

Well, okay,

when you say it out loud...

Anyway, we're here.

Who is it that enters

the sacred warehouse
of Madame Zelda?

If you're really psychic,
you tell us.

The spirits are telling me

that you are skeptical
of my abilities.

She's good.

She is not.

How can you, of all people,
believe in psychics?

This learned woman
has degrees

from every major psychic
institution in the country.

To be fair,
some of these are honorary.

Let's just get this over with.

I need to talk
to George Washington.

- That will be $200.
- Pay her.

No way.
A: this is your revenge,

and, B: I'm a little short
right now.

You have got to learn how
to manage your money better.

How much do you have?

On me?

40 bucks.

I can tell your need is great.

I will perform
my services for $50.

I just said 40's all I have.

I sense you are holding out.

Just my emergency
sandwich money.

- Pay her!
- Are you gonna pay me back?

I sense no.

She is good.

Can we turn
the spooky music off?

No. The spirits like it.

Let us all join hands.

Ugh. When was the last time
you washed your hands?

Don't have to.
Cat licks them clean.

Now I will call upon

the spirit
of George Washington.

Are you there,
Mr. President?

Make a noise
if you are with us.

- He's here!
- She just kicked the table.

Someone just kicked me.

George Washington will take
possession of my body.

Hello.
It is l, George Washington,

first President
of the United States,

commander of the...

Confederate Army.

- Continental Army.
- That's what I said.

Is not-- ow!

Is it really you,
Mr. Washington?

Yes. Now what question
can I help you with?

Dan, no!

What are you, a psychopath?

Chris, hold
George Washington down

while I get the ax free!

There is no way I'm going
to help you murder a psychic,

even a fake one.

The spell is broken.

Oh, come on!

You can't hurt a spirit,
you fool.

Well, you should have
told me that before we started.

Just give me
my $50 and get out.

You don't see dollar one

until I speak
with George Washington.

Remember, get paid first.

Fine.

I will summon the great
George Washington once more,

but you must promise--

Not to kill you.
We promise, right, Dan?

Not to kill you.
We promise, right, Dan?

Dan.

Fine. It wouldn't hurt George
Washington anyway, apparently.

But it would land us in prison
for the rest of our lives.

Ahem, what is it that l,
the great and powerful

George Washington,
can help you with?

This is ridiculous.

That's not the kind of thing
George Washington would say.

So you're the expert?

Okay, professor,
ask him a question, then.

Fine! What's your
middle name, George?

I...

didn't have one?

Actually, I think that's right.

You have got to learn
to trust the experts.

I wanted to tell you
that I know it was you

who chopped down the tree
outside my apartment

and smashed my car,

and I am going
to make you pay!

Oh, please.
I'm the Father of Our Country.

You're just an angry little man
with a smashed car.

Thousands of people
still visit my home every week.

Does anyone visit your home?

I'm waiting until I clean it
before I have company over.

- Come on. Let's go.
- This isn't over.

The things I do for 50 bucks.

Wait!

Madame Zelda
demands a full payment!

That was a waste of time.

Are you kidding me?

Were we not in the same s?�ance?

He bragged about his house.

That's what he's most proud of,
Mount Vernon,

so that's what we're
going to take away from him.

Hey, Elise,

you never really liked
Mount Vernon, right?

What are you talking about?

Dan's going to destroy it.
He wants me to help.

That seems like a bad idea
for several reasons,

many of them legal.

If I don't go,
he'll do it on his own

and probably cause
a lot more damage.

Hey, why don't you
come with us?

To help you
destroy Mount Vernon?

I don't think so.

Not to destroy Mount Vernon,

to keep Dan from destroying
Mount Vernon.

Come on. We'll have
a nice road trip, eat out,

maybe stop Dan from destroying
an historical landmark.

- It will be romantic.
- With Dan?

He really likes you.

I can't believe
you brought her along.

This is terrible.

You have been complaining
for the last six hours.

Yeah, give it a rest.
I'm going with you.

I'm in the car and everything.

Can't we drop her off somewhere?

She'll find her way home.
She always does.

I'm coming along

to help you get revenge
on George Washington.

The last thing I need is--

really?

- Yes.
- Oh.

Thanks.
I would also like shotgun.

You can't have it.

How are you planning on
destroying Mount Vernon, anyway?

I have a bunch of explosives
in the trunk.

That reminds me,
don't get into an accident.

And you might want to take
speed bumps very slowly.

Couldn't we just take him

to an abandoned house somewhere
and tell him it's Mount Vernon?

Dan has a very strange
patchwork of knowledge.

It's anybody's guess

as to what he knows
about any given topic.

Watch. Hey, Dan, who
sculpted Mount Rushmore?

Gutzon Borglum.
Then his son finished it.

- Why?
- And what state is it in?

I don't know!
Ecuador or something!

What's with all the questions?

So there is a savant half.

It's just so flat out here!

For miles and miles, just flat!

Chris, are you okay?

Sure, of course!
Why wouldn't I be?

I mean, okay, I'm a little
creeped out by all the--

I mean, it's so flat!

Take a deep breath.

I can't. I can't,

not with all the grassland
watching me!

It's watching me!
Let me out! Let me out!

Hey, trying to sleep here.

It's flat!

Well, this is a setback.

So much sky!

- So what's with him, anyway?
- It's everywhere!

Prairie madness.

Is that something
you just made up?

No, it's a condition

that's probably somewhat
related to agoraphobia.

Early settlers would look out
at the vast landscape

and be affected by
a profound sense of isolation.

Flat!

In some cases, it would
cause them to act radically.

I have to admit I'm
a little worried about the guy.

Should we be chasing him
or something?

Nah. I got it.

Fla-- aah!

Guys, really, I'm fine.

Look, I realize I lost it
a little there,

you know, but, really,
you can untie me now.

We're almost out of the prairie.

We'll untie you soon.
I promise.

I don't know.
I kind of like him like this.

You're an excellent driver,
by the way.

Thank you.

I'm starting to think
you're the smart one here.

Nice to have a conversation
that doesn't revolve around food.

I could sing a few bars of that.

You know
I can hear you guys.

It looks
virtually unguarded,

but they do have a perimeter guard
in Continental Army uniforms.

I've made a map
of their locations.

They also appear to have
a regular patrol,

but if we time it right,

we can get in and out
before they notice us.

Great.
I'll get the explosives.

We are going to stop Dan

from blowing up
an historic landmark, right?

Taken care of.

Here we go.
And I brought us masks.

- Hey, trade me?
- Nope.

We've got to get out of here.
Next patrol's due soon.

Wait. Who put you
in charge?

Fine. You're in charge.
What do you want to do?

Dig in.
We make our stand here.

Chris, start digging a trench
around the perimeter.

Elise, go and seduce the enemy
for military secrets.

Guys?

Seriously?

Deserters will be hanged!

What? Fireworks?

What happened
to my explosives?

That's odd. Are you sure
they were explosives?

Of course I'm sure!

That's it.

Wally's Hardware Emporium
and High Explosives Depot

is going on the list!

I'll have to remember it
till I start a new notebook.

He won't remember.
He's like an angry goldfish.

So when did you swap out
Dan's explosives for fireworks?

I just modified them.

Fireworks are basically
explosives anyway.

Oh. Well, thanks.
Sure makes me feel better

to know Dan
doesn't have dynamite anymore.

I'll admit I sometimes wonder
why you guys are friends,

but I kind of get it now.

He's like a big kid.

So are you happy you came?

You know,
it's actually kind of fun

making sure Dan
doesn't hurt himself

or others or history.

One does get caught up in it.

Hey, are you guys awake?
I can't sleep.

Go back to your tent and try.

I tried already enough.

You want to come
in here with us?

No.

- Hi, guys.
- You okay, Dan?

My plan didn't work.

I can't sleep
until my plan works.

I need to fix
that Revolutionary jerk.

I'm sure we can
find some way

for you to get back
at George Washington

that involves
less wanton destruction.

But I like wanton destruction.

I know you do, sweetheart.

Okay, everybody back
to their tent now.

Tell me a story.

There was once a little prince

who was so very angry.

Was his name Dan?

I'm glad we didn't
blow this place up.

I've always wanted
to visit here.

Look, a guided tour.

It's the perfect way
to sneak in,

walk right through
the front door.

It's not really sneaking,
then, is it?

Not really.

Welcome to the plantation home
of George Washington.

As you walk
through the house,

please note the neoclassical
Georgian architecture.

Noted.
What's in there?

Oh, that room is off-limits.

Several items
of historical importance,

including many possessions
of George Washington himself,

are stored in that room.

I see.

Now as we proceed
into the next room,

I think you'll
be able to notice...

Let's go.

We're not supposed
to go in there.

Then why
did they leave it open?

They didn't.

Sure, they did.

Wait. No!

Isn't this room lovely?

Weren't there more of you?

Weren't there?

Maybe we could break
his wooden teeth.

Actually, George Washington

had teeth made
from hippopotamus ivory.

You will believe anything.

Look.

That looks like
a couple of nails.

It's where the ax was hanging

until the ghost
of George Washington took it

to chop down the tree
outside my apartment.

Of course.

- Hey, it's a diary.
- Give me that!

The artifacts room!

Stop right there!

Teeth!

Stop!

Don't fire until you see
the whites of their eyes!

We don't have anything to fire!

I only regret that I had
but one pile of explosives.

Get in!

So long, Continental Army!

What are you so happy about?
You didn't get revenge.

Didn't l?

I just saw you
get chased away from the house

by a group of militiamen.

But before that,

I activated plan "B."

So what's this plan "B"?

Let's just say

I left a little footnote
in history.

"Today a gentleman
named Dan,

who is much
stronger, smarter,

and better-looking
than I am,

pulled my pants down

and paddled my bottom
in the middle of the street.

I was humiliated,
to say the least.

Dan is great,

and l, George Washington,
have a very red bottom!"

Dan!

lnventive.

Yet only slightly destructive
to history.

- Not bad.
- Flat!

Yeah, I'm pretty brilliant.

- It's really peaceful out here.
- Featureless!

- Absolutely featureless!
- Look at all those stars.

Help!

- He'll tire himself out.
- Help!

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