All language subtitles for Dead Like Me 1x1 - Pilot.MP4

LET'S GO FOR A RIDE.

MY NAME IS GEORGE LASS.
I'M 18 YEARS OLD,
AND I AM DOWN THERE SOMEWHERE.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU A STORY.
NOT MY STORY. THAT'S LATER.

THIS IS JUST A STORY.
READY?

ONCE UPON A TIME,
OR MORE SPECIFICALLY,
AT THE DAWN OF TIME,

GOD, LOWER-CASE "G,"

WAS GETTING BUSY
WITH CREATION,

AS THE KIDS THESE
DAYS ARE SAYING.

HE GAVE TOAD
A CLAY JAR AND SAID,

"BE CAREFUL WITH THIS.
IT'S GOT DEATH INSIDE."

PLEASED AS PUNCH
AND OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT

THAT HE WAS ABOUT TO BECOME
GOD'S FALL GUY ON
THE WHOLE DEATH ISSUE,

TOAD PROMISED
TO GUARD THE JAR.

BUT THEN ONE DAY,
TOAD MET FROG.

"LET ME HOLD THE JAR OF DEATH,
OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT,"
FROG BEGGED.

WITH A NOD
TO NANCY REAGAN'S
PEARL OF WISDOM,

TOAD JUST SAID NO.

BUT FROG WAS DETERMINED,

AND AFTER MUCH WHINING,
TOAD FINALLY GAVE IN.

"YOU CAN HOLD IT
BUT ONLY FOR A SECOND,"
HE SAID.

IN HIS EXCITEMENT,
FROG BEGAN TO HOP AROUND

AND JUGGLE THE DEATH JAR
FROM ONE FOOT TO THE OTHER.

FROG WAS AN ASSHOLE.

"STOP," TOAD CRIED OUT,
BUT IT WAS TOO LATE.

FROG DROPPED THE JAR
AND IT SHATTERED
TO THE GROUND.

WHEN IT BROKE OPEN,
DEATH GOT OUT,

AND EVER SINCE ALL
LIVING THINGS HAVE TO DIE.

MAKES YOU WONDER
HOW MUCH BETTER
THE WORLD WOULD BE

IF FROG STUCK TO
HOCKING BEER.

SO, THERE YOU HAVE IT,
THE MYSTERY OF
DEATH FINALLY REVEALED.

WE ALL DIE,
SOME OF US
SOONER THAN LATER.

FOR ME, IT'S GOING
TO BE MUCH SOONER,

BUT THAT'S ONLY
THE BEGINNING OF MY STORY.

THAT'S NOT ME.

THAT'S ME.

I'D SAY I'M SORRY
TO DISAPPOINT YOU,

BUT I'M NOT.
I EXCEL AT NOT
GIVING A SHIT.

EXPERIENCE HAS TAUGHT ME

THAT INTEREST
BEGETS EXPECTATION,

AND EXPECTATION
BEGETS DISAPPOINTMENT,

SO THE KEY TO
AVOIDING DISAPPOINTMENT
IS TO AVOID INTEREST.

A EQUALS B EQUALS C
EQUALS A, OR WHATEVER.

I ALSO DON'T HAVE
A LOT OF INTEREST

IN BEING A GOOD PERSON
OR A BAD PERSON.

FROM WHAT I CAN TELL,
EITHER WAY YOU'RE SCREWED.

BAD PEOPLE ARE PUNISHED
BY SOCIETY'S LAW.

DROP YOUR WEAPON.
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!

AND GOOD PEOPLE...

WHO'S A PRETTY KITTY?
YOU ARE.

[ MEOWS ]

COME ON, SWEETHEART.

[ CRASHES ]

...ARE PUNISHED
BY MURPHY'S LAW.

SO, YOU SEE MY DILEMMA.

[ PHONES RINGING ]

GEORGIA LASS?

HI. I'M DELORES HERBIG,
AS IN "HER BIG BROWN EYES."

I'LL BE YOUR HAPPY
TIME CAREER COUNSELOR.
WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME?

"SOME COLLEGE," HUH?
DIDN'T FINISH?

"SOME" SEEMED LIKE ENOUGH.

MMM-HMM.

I SEE YOU HAVE
MANAGEMENT EXPERIENCE IN
THE FOOD SERVICE INDUSTRY.

BACON MEATO
WITH A CHERRY PEPSI
AND AN ORDER OF NAFTY TOTS.

YEAH.

DO YOU EVER WAKE
UP IN THE MORNING

AND REALIZE YOUR
LIFE IS MEANINGLESS?

WHAT?

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH
THE MICROSOFT OFFICE SUITE?

WORD? ACCESS?
POWERPOINT?

I KNOW LOTUS.

[ LAUGHING ]

WE USE EXCEL NOW, DEAR.
YOU MIGHT THINK
ABOUT TAKING SOME TUTORIALS.

I'M GONNA GET
STRAIGHT TO THE POINT.

WHAT KIND OF WORK
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT'S AVAILABLE?

FOR YOU,
WE HAVE CLERICAL POSITIONS.

RECEPTION, DATA ENTRY...

I WAS TOLD TO
ASK ABOUT BEING
AN EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT.

[ LAUGHING ]

WELL, YOU CAN ASK.

TO BE ABSOLUTELY HONEST,
WITH YOUR RATHER LIMITED

EXPERIENCE AND EDUCATION,

YOU'RE BETTER OFF
STICKING TO REDUNDANT DUTIES.

HOW DO YOU
FEEL ABOUT FILING?

I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD.

CAN I MAKE
AN OBSERVATION?

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
SMILE ONCE SINCE YOU
SET FOOT IN THIS OFFICE,

AND A SUNNY DISPOSITION
GOES A LONG WAY
IN ANY LINE OF WORK,

ESPECIALLY HERE
AT HAPPY TIME.

TRUST ME, NO EMPLOYER
IS GONNA WANT A SAD
SACK ON THEIR HANDS.

LOOK AT ME. I CERTAINLY
WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN
AS FAR AS I HAVE...

HOW FAR IS THAT?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

HOW FAR
HAVE YOU GOTTEN?

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE
THIS IS A CORNER
OFFICE WITH A VIEW.

AND, LIKE, EVERY DAY
YOU HAVE TO FIND
JOBS FOR PEOPLE,

MOST OF WHICH ARE PROBABLY
BETTER THAN YOURS,

AND THAT HAS TO SUCK.

AND I BET THEY DON'T
PAY YOU MUCH, EITHER.

JUST MAKING AN OBSERVATION.

HOW DID THINGS GO TODAY?

OKAY.

JUST OKAY?

YEAH. JUST OKAY.

SHE'S BITTER
BECAUSE THEY TOLD HER

SHE WASN'T QUALIFIED
TO GET A DECENT JOB.

OH, SWEETIE, I'M SORRY.

WANNA KNOW WHAT I THINK?

HERE WE GO.

YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE
DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE.

YOU KNOW, I STILL
DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY

YOU COULDN'T AT LEAST
FINISH THE SEMESTER.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU,
GEORGIA?

YOU USED TO HAVE FRIENDS,
YOU USED TO BE SO SMART.

IT'S LIKE
YOU JUST GAVE UP.

WELL, I HATE TO
SAY "I TOLD YOU SO."

YOU LOVE TO SAY
"I TOLD YOU SO."

SWEETIE, DON'T TALK
THAT WAY TO YOUR MOTHER.

YOU KNOW IT ONLY
AGGRAVATES HER.

OH, THANK YOU, HONEY.
THAT'S SO HELPFUL.

MEET THE FAMILY.

JOY, AGE 41,
IS A VIRGO.

SHE'S A CAREER,
SECRETARY AND ENJOYS

ICE SKATING
AND JOHN GRISHAM NOVELS.

SHE'S PATHOLOGICALLY
AFRAID OF BALLOONS
AND HATES THE WORD "MOIST."

SHE THINKS
IT'S PORNOGRAPHIC.

CLANCY, AGE 43,
IS A CANCER.

HE'S A TENURED
PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH AT UDUB

AND IS, I'M TOLD,
VERY WELL RESPECTED.

HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR
WITH ONE OF HIS
GRADUATE STUDENTS.

AND THAT'S REGGIE.
SHE'S 10.

SHE'S NOT REALLY INVISIBLE,

BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
SHE MAY AS WELL BE.

THIS IS DELICIOUS.

AND MOIST.

[ FORK CLINKS ]

WHEN I WAS LITTLE,
MY MOM TOLD ME SANTA CLAUS
DIDN'T EXIST.

NEITHER DID THE EASTER BUNNY,
THE TOOTH FAIRY OR
THE GREAT PUMPKIN.

EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN'T
SAY SO SPECIFICALLY,

I JUST SORT OF ASSUMED
GOD DIDN'T, EITHER.

OTHERWISE I'D PROBABLY
BE PRAYING RIGHT NOW.

I'D PRAY FOR WORLD PEACE,
ET CETERA,

AND MAYBE EVEN FOR
A LITTLE GUIDANCE.

I MEAN,
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO BE CUSPING ON ADULTHOOD
AND NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE,

WHAT YOU WANNA BE,
OR EVEN IF YOU WANNA BE?

IT'S 10 SHADES OF
SUCK IS WHAT IT IS!

GET UP!

MOM.

THAT WOMAN FROM
THE TEMP AGENCY CALLED.
SHE'S GOT A JOB FOR YOU.

WHAT KIND OF JOB?

WELL, BEGGARS
CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.

I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

TOO BAD.

I THINK
I HAVE A TEMPERATURE.

DAMN IT, GEORGIA,
YOU ARE NOT SIX YEARS OLD.

EIGHTEEN YEARS OF CODDLING
IS ENOUGH FOR YOU, YOUNG LADY.

IF YOU THINK
YOU'RE GONNA SPEND
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

SUCKLING
AT MY RETIREMENT FUND,

YOU'VE GOT
ANOTHER THING COMING.

YOU WILL GET OUT OF BED
AND YOU WILL GO TO WORK.

YOU WILL COLLECT A PAYCHECK
AND YOU WILL MOVE
OUT OF THIS HOUSE.

UNDERSTOOD?

GET DRESSED.

THOSE ARE FUNERAL CLOTHES.

THERE'S GONNA BE A FUNERAL
IF YOU DON'T GET
YOUR ASS OUT OF BED!

THOSE ARE
THE LAST WORDS MY MOTHER
WILL EVER SAY TO ME.

NOW, MOVE IT!

BOY, IS SHE GONNA BE SORRY.

WHO HAD THE NERVE
TO NAME YOU JOY?

SO, YOU SEE
ALL THESE BOXES?

WE ACQUIRED
A SMALL INSURANCE COMPANY

BASED OUT OF SPOKANE
ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO.

ALL THEIR CLAIM FILES
WERE SHIPPED TO US

FOR ELECTRONIC
DATA CONVERSION.

THIS IS WHAT
WE CALL THE PIT.

GET COZY, 'CAUSE
YOU ARE GONNA SPEND
A LOT OF TIME HERE.

SO, YOUR MISSION,
SHOULD YOU
CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT,

IS TO SIFT THROUGH ALL
THIS CRAP AND CODE IT

FOR THE PENCIL-NECKS
IN DATA ENTRY.

THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THAT?

SURE, WHATEVER.

COOL.

SO, WHAT DID YOU DO
TO PISS DELORES OFF?

HUH?

DELORES HERBIG,
AS IN "HER BIG BROWN EYES."

YOU MUST'VE
DONE SOMETHING.

SHE ONLY GIVES THIS JOB
TO PEOPLE SHE HATES.

AS THE WORK DAY
PROGRESSED,

I BEGAN TO SUSPECT
THAT DELORES HERBIG,
AS IN "HER BIG FAT ASS,"

WAS THE DEVIL, AND SHE'D
CONDEMNED ME TO HELL.

TO SPITE
THE GREAT HOOFED ONE,

I TOOK EVERY OPPORTUNITY
TO SHIRK MY DUTIES.

[ TOILET FLUSHES ]

[ FOOTSTEPS ]

BUT EVEN THOUGH
I DID MY BEST TO
DO VERY LITTLE,

MOST EVERYONE ELSE
WAS DOING A LOT LESS.

WELCOME TO
CORPORATE AMERICA.

WAS THIS IT?
WAS THIS WHO I WAS?

WOULD I FOREVER BE
REMEMBERED AS A FILE CLERK

OR, WORSE, A TEMP?

JUST TOSS THEM IN THERE.

WHERE ARE THE OTHER FILES?

UH... WHAT OTHER FILES?

THE OTHER FILES I REQUESTED,
THE RED-FLAG CASES.

YEAH. LOOKED FOR THOSE,
COULDN'T FIND THEM.

WELL, FILES JUST
DON'T DISAPPEAR.

THEY DO IF YOU DROP THEM
DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT.

IS THAT A JOKE?

I DON'T KNOW.
YEAH, MAYBE.

CAN I GO NOW?

WHICH ELEVATOR?

MIDDLE ONE.

I WAS DOOMED TO SPEND
THE REST OF MY LIFE IN
A LOUSY DEAD-END JOB.

AND I'M NOT JUST
BEING DRAMATIC.

IT REALLY IS GOING TO
BE THE REST OF MY LIFE,

WHICH ACTUALLY ONLY AMOUNTS
TO THE NEXT HALF-HOUR OR SO.

[ WHEELS SQUEAKING ]

HEY, WHAT'S UP?

NOTHING.

NADA MUCHO,
THAT'S COOL.

THEN IT'S YOUR LUNCH HOUR.
WE'LL SEE YOU BACK HERE IN 35.

IF IT'S MY LUNCH "HOUR,"
WHY IS IT ONLY 35 MINUTES?

OH, 'CAUSE THEY
DID SOME RESEARCH,
LIKE, FIVE YEARS AGO,

AND I GUESS THEY
CLOCKED SOME FOLKS

AND FIGURED THAT'S
HOW LONG IT TAKES
TO, LIKE, GO SOMEWHERE

AND GET YOUR FOOD AND,
YOU KNOW, LIKE, EAT IT.

SO WE'LL SEE YOU
IN THREE-FIVE.

IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

THE SUN WAS SHINING,
THE SKY WAS BLUE

AND THE RUSSIAN SPACE AGENCY
WAS DE-ORBITING MIR.

EVIDENTLY THERE
WAS A MISCALCULATION

IN THE DENSITY
OF THE IONOSPHERE

AT THE POINT OF ENTRY,
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

THE WHOLE THING
WAS SUPPOSED TO FALL
IN THE PACIFIC OCEAN,

BUT A FEW PIECES MADE IT
TO THE WEST COAST,

INCLUDING THE SEAT
OF A 0-G TOILET.

EXCUSE ME?
GOT THE TIME?

1:05.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SO, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

GEORGE.

UM...

MIDDLE NAME?
YOU GOT A MIDDLE NAME?

FUCK OFF, WOULD YOU?

DOES IT START
WITH AN "L"?

YOU'D BETTER HURRY, GEORGE.

YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE.

[ CROAKS ]

[ TOAD CROAKING ]

THEY SAY
YOUR ENTIRE LIFE FLASHES
IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES

THE MOMENT BEFORE YOU DIE.

THAT MIGHT BE TRUE
IF YOU'RE TERMINALLY ILL

OR YOUR
PARACHUTE DOESN'T OPEN,

BUT IF DEATH
SNEAKS UP ON YOU,

THE ONLY THING
YOU HAVE TIME TO THINK IS...

OH, SHIT!

[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ]

[ MAN ]: GET OUT OF HERE!

[ GASPS ]

I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE!

HEY, DEAD GIRL!
HOLD ON THERE A MINUTE.

THAT'S RUBE, HE'S UNDEAD.

THEY SAY THERE ARE, LIKE,
FIVE PSYCHOLOGICAL
STAGES OF DEATH.

IRONICALLY, THIS APPLIES
EVEN IF YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD.

NUMBER ONE, DENIAL.

THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.
THIS ISN'T REAL.

OH, PEANUT, THIS IS
AS REAL AS IT GETS.
YOU'RE DEAD.

THAT'S BETTY, ALSO UNDEAD.

THIS IS YOURS.

MERCY, THAT THING
MADE A HORRIBLE NOISE,
DIDN'T IT?

BUT I DON'T REMEMBER
FEELING ANYTHING.

YOUR SOUL WAS
POPPED OUT BEFORE IMPACT.

WE DO THAT FOR VIOLENT DEATHS
AS A COURTESY.

BUT I DIDN'T WANNA DIE.

OH, NOBODY DOES,
EXCEPT SUICIDES.
THEY'RE NO FUN.

NUMBER TWO IS ANGER.

I'M ONLY 18.
I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING.
THIS ISN'T FAIR!

SO, WHAT ARE YOU?
LIKE, ANGELS OR SOMETHING?

NO, NO, MA'AM.
ANGELS DON'T LIKE
GETTING THEIR HANDS DIRTY.

YOU KNOW,
UPPER-MANAGEMENT TYPES.

WE HAVE
THE UNFORTUNATE DISTINCTION
OF BEING CALLED GRIM REAPERS.

NUMBER THREE IS BARGAINING.

WELL, THEN CAN'T YOU
TAKE SOMEBODY ELSE,
LIKE AN OLD PERSON?

OR THAT HOMELESS GUY?
I WON'T TELL, I PROMISE.

ALL RIGHT.

REALLY?
NO.

WELL, I WANT
MY LIFE BACK!

IT'S NOT LIKE
YOU WERE DOING
ANYTHING WITH IT.

AND THEN THERE'S DEPRESSION.

I KNOW WHAT MIGHT
CHEER YOU UP.

WHAT?

YOUR AUTOPSY.

THERE'S SOMETHING
ABOUT SEEING YOUR BODY

ALL EMPTY AND COLD,

OR IN MY CASE,
IN LITTLE CHUNKS AND PIECES.

RUBE SAYS IT'S LIKE
LOOKING AT A BOWL OF
HOMEMADE PEACH COBBLER

YOU JUST DROPPED
ON THE FLOOR.

AS GOOD AS IT MIGHT'VE BEEN,
YOU JUST DON'T
WANT IT ANYMORE.

IT SOUNDS KIND OF WHACKED,
BUT IT DID MAKE
ME FEEL BETTER.

I DON'T GET IT.
WHY DO AN AUTOPSY?

WELL, YOU STILL HAVE
TO IDENTIFY THE BODY.

HOW HARD CAN THAT BE?

YOU WERE HIT BY AN OBJECT
TRAVELING 200 MILES AN HOUR,

WITH A SURFACE
TEMPERATURE EXCEEDING

1,500 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.
DO THE MATH.

I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT WAS MORE DISTURBING,

BEING DEAD, OR
THE FACT THAT THE FIRST MAN

TO TOUCH MY NAKED
BODY WAS A CORONER.

UH, THIS HAS BEEN
LOVELY AND ALL,

BUT DON'T YOU THINK
IT'S TIME I SHOULD BE GOING?

WHY, YOU GOT
SOME PLACE TO BE?

I DON'T KNOW? DO I?

WELL, YOU GOTTA STICK AROUND
TILL YOUR BODY'S
BEEN LAID TO REST.

I'M MEAT IN A ZIPLOC.
HOW MUCH MORE REST DO I NEED?

THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS

THAT YOU SAY A PROPER
GOODBYE TO THIS LIFE

BEFORE YOU SAY
HELLO TO THE NEXT ONE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"THE NEXT ONE"?

WHAT, AM I
BEING REINCARNATED
OR SOMETHING?

DON'T BE AN ASS.

EVERYONE ALWAYS SAYS
THE SAME SHIT AT FUNERALS.

THEY TALK ABOUT
HOW SWEET, WONDERFUL

AND OH-SO-FULL-OF-LIFE
YOU WERE,

HOW IT WAS YOUR TIME
AND YOU CAN'T
QUESTION GOD'S PLAN.

THEY NEVER SAY ANYTHING BAD.

YOU COULD BE
THE BIGGEST TURD
IN THE TOILET BOWL

AND YOU'D STILL COME OUT
SMELLING LIKE A ROSE.

SUCH A WONDERFUL GIRL,
SO FULL OF LIFE.

GET THOSE OUT OF HERE.

GET OUT. GET OUT!

AND BETTY,
SHE JUST LOVES FUNERALS.

YOU'D THINK
SHE'D NEVER BEEN
TO ONE BEFORE.

I AM SO VERY
SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

EXCUSE ME,
THIS SEAT'S TAKEN.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

[ GASPS ]

HOW COME THEY CAN SEE YOU
BUT THEY CAN'T SEE ME?

WELL, PEANUT, YOU'RE DEAD.

SO ARE YOU.
BITE YOUR TONGUE!

I'LL HAVE YOU
KNOW I AM UNDEAD.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

WELL, AS AN UNDEAD PERSON,
I HAVE CERTAIN
RIGHTS AND PRIVILEGES.

FOR INSTANCE,
I HAVE A PHYSICAL BODY.

I CAN ENJOY
THE SWEET DELICIOUSNESS
OF THIS TASTY KEY LIME PIE.

AND IF I SO CHOOSE,
I CAN EVEN INTERACT
WITH THE LIVING.

OBSERVE.

HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?

FINE.

SEE, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

THAT SUCKS.

WELL, FOR YOU DEAD TYPES,
SURE, BUT I LIKE IT.

IT KEEPS THE RIFFRAFF
IN ITS PLACE.

I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

CLANCY, I'M SO SORRY.

UH, IS A FRIENDLY HUG
BETWEEN TWO MEN

SUPPOSED TO LAST THAT LONG?

AND THEN THERE WAS REGGIE.

AFTER IGNORING
HER FOR 10 YEARS,

I GUESS IT WAS MY TURN
TO BE THE INVISIBLE SISTER.

YOU MISSED
ALL THE COMMOTION.

YOUR MOTHER WAS
BAWLING SO HARD
SHE STARTED TO CHOKE.

THEY ALMOST
CALLED AN AMBULANCE.

REALLY?

SHE'S A MESS.
SHE'S NEVER GONNA STOP
MISSING HER LITTLE GIRL.

WELL, SINCE YOU'RE
INTERACTION MAN,

CAN'T YOU JUST
TELL THEM I'M OKAY?

I'LL GET RIGHT ON IT.

[ GASPS ]
THEN I'LL TELL THEM.

HOW DO YOU
PROPOSE DOING THAT?

RATTLING SOME CHAINS,
MAKING THE LIGHTS FLICKER?

YOU KNOW HOW TO
MAKE WIND SOUNDS?
I COULD HELP YOU.

I CAN DO
THAT PART FOR YOU.

[ BLOWING ]

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO
BE SUCH AS ASSHOLE?

OH, GOD DAMN IT.

SO, WHAT'S NEXT?
ONWARD AND UPWARD?

ONWARD, NOT UPWARD.

NO PEARLY GATES FOR YOU.
NO CHOIRS OF ANGELS, NEITHER.

YOU DICK!
YOU'RE SENDING ME TO HELL?

DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF.
YOU'RE NOT THAT INTERESTING.

YOU, LITTLE DEAD GIRL,
ARE GONNA BE A GRIM REAPER.

HUH?

HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS
OF PEOPLE DIE EVERY DAY.

BODIES ARE EASY.
DIG A DITCH, LIGHT A MATCH.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SOULS?
WHO TAKES CARE OF THEM?

WE DO. WE'RE BAIL BONDSMEN
FOR THE DISEMBODIED.

SEE, ONCE THEIR SOULS
DITCH THE FLESHY PARTS,

THEY'RE IN OUR CUSTODY
UNTIL THEY REACH
THEIR FINAL DESTINATION.

I ASSUME YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT HEAVEN?

WHO KNOWS?

WHATEVER IT IS,
I HOPE IT'S NOT ALL
GAUDY LIKE THE BIBLE.

WELL, I LIKE TO THINK
IT'S JUST LIKE THIS.
[ SIGHS ]

SO, DOES THIS
MEAN THERE IS A GOD?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WILLKOMMEN TO
THE WAFFLE HAUS.
WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

T-BONE STEAK AND EGGS,
T-BONE MEDIUM RARE,
EGGS OVER-EASY.

I WANT TOAST
INSTEAD OF HASH BROWNS.

AND HOT SYRUP
FOR THE PANCAKES,

AND PLEASE DO NOT
SKIMP ON THE BUTTER.

AND A SIDE ORDER
OF CRISPY BACON,
EXTRA, EXTRA, EXTRA CRISPY.

DRINK?

LEMONADE.

I'M NOT STAYING. I'VE GOT
AN APPOINTMENT DOWNTOWN.

I HOPE IT'S NOT
ANOTHER DEAD HOOKER.

MISS?

MISS?

YOU... YOU SAID
NO ONE COULD SEE ME.

WELL, THAT WAS
BEFORE YOU JOINED
THE RANKS OF THE UNDEAD.

NOW ORDER SOMETHING
BEFORE SHE THINKS
YOU'RE RETARDED.

WHAT HE'S HAVING.

MMM-HMM.

OKAY, I'M STILL HAVING
TROUBLE WITH THIS WHOLE
"WHY ME?" ISSUE.

WELL, YOU FILLED
SOMEONE'S QUOTA.

EVERYONE'S ASSIGNED
AN UNSPECIFIED ALLOTMENT
OF SOULS TO COLLECT.

NOW, YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW MANY UNTIL YOU'VE
NABBED THE LAST ONE.

DO YOU REMEMBER
THAT WEIRD GUY WHO
ASKED YOU YOUR NAME

RIGHT BEFORE
YOU GOT TORPEDOED
BY THE TOILET SEAT?

YEAH.

WELL, YOU WERE
HIS LAST ONE.

WHICH MEANS HE
GETS A PROMOTION,
NICE BENEFITS PACKAGE,

AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE.

PERSONALLY, I WAS GLAD
TO SEE HIM GO. HE WAS JUST
A PAIN IN THE ASS.

IT'S LIKE BEING
THE MILLIONTH CUSTOMER SERVED,

EXCEPT THERE'S
NO SHOPPING SPREE.

HE COULD'VE
TOLD ME BEFORE.

WELL, PARDON MY
SAVOIR FAIRE.

BUT DYING IS
TRAUMATIC ENOUGH

WITHOUT ALL THIS OTHER STUFF
MESSING WITH YOUR HEAD.

[ BETTY ]: OH, DON'T GO
GETTING YOUR KNICKERS
IN A KNOT.

IT'S A DESTINY THING.
ENJOY IT.

THEY KEPT
TOSSING AROUND WORDS LIKE
"DESTINY" AND "FATE."

THE WORD "CHOICE"
WAS NEVER MENTIONED.

THAT'S BECAUSE
I DIDN'T HAVE ONE.

OKAY, BYE.

[ MUFFLED ] BYE-BYE.

AND CONGRATULATIONS.

[ MUFFLED ] ARE YOU
GONNA EAT YOUR BACON?

AND JUST LIKE THAT,
I BECAME A GRIM REAPER.
SWEAR TO GOD!

I WAS BORN AGAIN.
BUT NOT IN A CREEPY,
RELIGIOUS WAY.

ALL AROUND ME
WAS A BRIGHT,
SHINY NEW WORLD.

AND DEATH WAS EVERYWHERE.

INFECTIOUS
AND PARASITIC DISEASE.

CIRCULATORY SYSTEM DISEASE.

MALIGNANT NEOPLASMS.

THOSE WERE THE BIG THREE,

THE LEADING CAUSES
OF DEATH WORLDWIDE.

BUT THEY WEREN'T
MY PROBLEM.

GRIM REAPERS ARE ASSIGNED
TO SPECIFIC DIVISIONS.

MY DIVISION IS
EXTERNAL INFLUENCE.
TRANSLATION,

MURDERS, SUICIDES,
ACCIDENTS, ET CETERA.

AND I DO MEAN ET CETERA.

THAT'S ROXY.
SHE COULD KICK YOUR ASS.

EVERY REAPER HAS
THEIR OWN DISTINCT STYLE,

YOU KNOW,
THOSE LITTLE PERSONAL TOUCHES
THAT MAKE DEATH SO SPECIAL.

MORNING.

MORNING.

YOU DON'T JUST
STAND THERE WAITING
FOR A PIANO TO DROP.

IN POLITE SOCIETY,
YOU'D TAKE HER SOUL
AT THE CORNER,

YOU'D LET HER HAVE
A LITTLE DIGNITY.

SO, DO YOU GUYS
GET OFF DROPPING
PIANOS ON PEOPLE?

I MEAN, IS THAT LIKE
A FETISH OR SOMETHING?

IT'S NOT OUR JOB
TO DROP THE PIANOS
OR THE TOILET SEATS.

WHOSE JOB IS IT?

GRAVELINGS.

GRAVELINGS?

ARE THEY INVISIBLE?

NO, THEY'RE
NOT INVISIBLE.

YOU JUST
CAN'T SEE THEM,

NOT WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING
RIGHT AT THEM, ANYWAY.

BUT SOMETIMES IF
SOMETHING'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN,

OR JUST HAPPENED,

YOU MIGHT CATCH
A GLIMPSE OF ONE OF THEM

OUT OF THE CORNER
OF YOUR EYE.

SO JUST
DON'T FREAK OUT.

BUT THEY'RE REAL?

YEAH, AFRAID SO.

THEY SET THINGS
IN MOTION, THEY MAKE
THE ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.

THEY KILL PEOPLE?

IT'S LIKE... LIFE AND DEATH,

THEY HAVE TO EXIST
IN PERFECT HARMONY,

YIN-YANG,
CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT,

BUT THAT BALANCE
HAS TO BE MAINTAINED.

OR ELSE?
OR ELSE THINGS
GET OUT OF HAND.

AND THAT AIN'T PRETTY.

HEY, WHAT'S UP, PUSSYCAT?
HEY, MAN.

GEORGE, THIS IS MASON.

MASON.
OH, MASON, MASON, MASON!

MASON, GEORGE.
HEY.

DOES THIS CRACKER HAVE TO
STOP AND TALK TO EVERY...
[ SHUSHING ]

YOU JUST SHUSHED ME.
NOW WHY YOU GOTTA

GO AND DO THAT, MAN?
THAT'S RUDE.

IT'S DISRESPECTING
THE DEAD.

ALL RIGHT, COME HERE.

YOU TWO JUST
MURDERED EACH OTHER
IN A CRACK DEN.

YOU DO NOT
DESERVE MY RESPECT.

HENCE... SHH.

THAT'S COLD, MAN.

MMM-HMM.

GEORGE DIED A WEEK AGO
IN A FREAK AEROSPACE ACCIDENT.

YEAH. YEAH,
I REMEMBER YOU.
TOILET SEAT GIRL.

[ SNICKERS ]

LOOK, YOU ALREADY GOT
YOURSELF A NICKNAME.

TOILET SEAT GIRL
NEEDS TO FIND A PLACE
TO STAY.

YOU WOULDN'T
HAPPEN TO KNOW OF
ANY VACANCIES?

I KNOW THAT PLACE
IN SPRING HILL.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S
STILL AVAILABLE, BUT...

WELL, DO ME A FAVOR.
FIND OUT.

AND CAN YOU
TAKE HER WITH?
I NEED A BREAK.

I LOVE YOU, PEANUT,
BUT YOU'RE WEARING ME OUT.

I'LL SEE TO IT
MUTT AND JEFF HERE
GET TO WHERE THEY'RE GOING.

IF YOU REALLY
WANNA BE MY HERO,

YOU'LL LET HER TAG
along to your 2:30.

SHE NEEDS TO CLOCK
SOME OBSERVATION HOURS.

WHEN DO YOU
WANT HER BACK?

9:30 A.M. AT THE WAFFLE HAUS,
BANANA BONANZAS, MY TREAT.

THERE'S YOUR BUS.
GO ON WITH THE NICE MAN.

COME ON, HERE WE GO.

WELL, IT'S RENTED OUT TO
SOME ACCOUNTANT GUY.

HE COOKED THE BOOKS
FOR ONE OF THOSE
TRIBAL CASINOS.

HE'S MADE SURE THAT
ALL THEIR BILLS ARE PAID
FROM AN OFF-SHORE ACCOUNT.

[ CLICKING ]

HOW DID HE DIE?

I DON'T KNOW,
DIDN'T ASK.

THE BILLS ARE PAID
UNTIL WHEN?

UNTIL SOMEONE
CLOSES THE ACCOUNT.

MEANTIME, YOU SQUAT.
AS IN...

AS IN SETTLING ON PROPERTY
WITHOUT RIGHT OR TITLE
OR PAYMENT OF RENT.

REAPERS ARE SQUATTERS?

THINK OF IT AS
SUBSIDIZED HOUSING.

WE PERFORM
A PUBLIC SERVICE,
DON'T WE?

THE LIVING PROBABLY
DON'T THINK SO.

WHAT IF SOMEONE SHOWS UP?

YOU WALK AWAY.

UNLESS YOU TRASH THE PLACE,
THEN YOU RUN AWAY.

SO, HOW DOES THIS WORK?
I JUST CRASH HERE?

YEAH, MORE OR LESS.

DO I GET KEYS?
IF YOU CAN FIND THEM.

WHAT ARE YOU...
JESUS CHRIST!

WHAT?

[ SHOUTING ]
JESUS CHRIST!

JESUS CHRIST!

DON'T GET LOUD. WHAT?

THOSE ARE DEAD PEOPLE.

NO SHIT!

I CAN'T LIVE
WITH DEAD PEOPLE.
THAT'S GROSS!

YOU WON'T HAVE TO.
LOOK AT THESE BODIES.

EXECUTION,
EXECUTION, EXECUTION.

THESE GUYS HERE
WERE PROBABLY
TORTURED TO DEATH.

NO, THIS IS
A PROFESSIONAL JOB.

SO?

SO THESE BODIES AREN'T
JUST GONNA LAY AROUND.
THEY'LL DISAPPEAR.

THEY'VE GOT CLEANING CREWS
FOR THIS KIND OF THING,
YOU KNOW.

YUP. THEY'RE PROBABLY
ON THEIR WAY RIGHT NOW

WITH A COUPLE OF
VATS OF ACID AND
A CARPET STEAMER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

COLLECTING MY SALARY.

LEAVE THE PLASTIC.
CASH IS KING.

WE DON'T GET PAID, LIKE,
THROUGH PROPER CHANNELS?

NO.

I KEPT TELLING MYSELF,

"THEY'RE DEAD.
IT'S A VICTIMLESS CRIME."

THEN IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT

THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT
THOSE GUYS WHO HAVE
SEX WITH CORPSES DO.

THERE'S THE ACCOUNTANT
OVER THERE.

WHY DON'T YOU
CHECK HIS POCKET
FOR THE KEYS?

OH.

UM...

NOT THAT
I'M ANY GREAT
BASTION OF MORALITY,

BUT ISN'T STEALING
FROM DEAD PEOPLE
KIND OF TACKY?

WELL, IT'S EITHER THIS
OR GET YOURSELF A DAY JOB.

HE'S NOT JOKING.

THE US GOVERNMENT
DOESN'T PROVIDE

FOOD STAMPS FOR GRIM REAPERS.

WE DON'T HAVE
SPECIAL BUS PASSES,

AND WE DON'T GET
INTO MOVIES FOR FREE.

MOST REAPERS
TAKE WHAT THEY CAN
FROM THE DEAD.

OTHERS GET DAY JOBS.

DO I NEED TO BE
CROSSING OVER,

OR PASSING ON
OR SOMETHING?

[ CHUCKLES ] YOU AIN'T
GOING NOWHERE UNTIL
I'VE FILLED MY QUOTA.

[ STARTING ENGINE ]
[ SIGHS ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ FOOTSTEPS ]

HI. WHAT YOU GUYS DOING?

LOOKING FOR KEYS.

I HAVE THEM.
I CALLED DIBS
TWO HOURS AGO.

YOU'VE GOT A PLACE.

PROBATE'S OVER.

MY REAL ESTATE AGENT
ASKED ME TO LEAVE.
IT WAS ALL VERY CIVIL.

NOW WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO FIND HER
SOMEWHERE TO STAY.

WELL, CAN'T I JUST COUCH-SURF
WITH ONE OF YOU GUYS FOR

A COUPLE OF DAYS?

MMM. SEE, THAT'S
THE PROBLEM.

IT'S NEVER JUST
A COUPLE OF DAYS, IS IT?

NO. TWO DAYS BECOMES A WEEK,
A WEEK BECOMES A MONTH,

WE DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT YOU.

I MEAN, YOU COULD BE
A CRAZY PERSON,

AND THERE WE'D BE,
JUST INVITING YOU
INTO OUR HOMES.

YOU UNDERSTAND
OUR POSITION.

FRIENDS OF MINE
IN CIRCULATORY SYSTEM DISEASE

GIVE ME THE SKINNY
ON VACANCIES
IN THEIR DIVISION.

NOW, I DON'T NORMALLY
SHARE PRIVILEGED 411,

BUT I LIKE YOU,
TOILET-SEAT GIRL.
YOU'VE GOT MOXIE.

THERE'S NOT GOING
TO BE, LIKE,

ARTERIAL SPRAY EVERYWHERE,
IS THERE?

WELL, LET'S HOPE
HE WAS CONSIDERATE ENOUGH

TO DIE OUTSIDE THE HOME.

ENTER THE ANGRY WHITE MAN.

WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING?

AND WHO ARE YOU?

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, BITCH?

WE'RE HERE
ABOUT THE APARTMENT.

OCCUPIED.

FUCK OFF.

HE CALLED YOU "BITCH."

MAYBE WE SHOULD
LET HIM KEEP IT.

I'M NOT GOING
TO CO-SIGN ON HIS BULLSHIT.

CALL ME BITCH, BITCH.

SORRY TO DISTURB YOU AGAIN.

IT'S JUST THAT ME
AND MY COLLEAGUES HERE

REPRESENT THE LOCAL...

UH, HOUSING AUTHORITY.

THE TENANT OF APARTMENT 12J
IS DECEASED.

THIS IS 12J.

YES. YES, IT IS.

THEREFORE, WE'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO ASK YOU
TO LEAVE NOW.

I GOT RIGHTS,
COCK-KNOCKER.

I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE.

LOCAL AND STATE LAWS
WHICH PROVIDE TENANTS' RIGHTS

ARE ONLY APPLICABLE
TO TRADITIONAL
RENTAL SITUATIONS.

THEY DON'T COVER SQUATTING.

MY NAME'S ON THE LEASE,
YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

EXCUSE ME?

MY NAME'S ON
THE GODDAMN LEASE.

I WANT TO SEE SOME I.D.

YOU'RE D.W. MANIS?

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU SAID
HE WAS DEAD.

I'M ALIVE AND KICKING YOUR ASS
IF YOU DON'T GET THE HELL OUT.

I, UH...

I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

I'M, I'M, I'M, I'M...

WHAT DID YOU DO?

WELL, I MADE A MISTAKE.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU DID.

EXCUSE US.

WELL, HE WASN'T
SCHEDULED TO DIE
UNTIL NEXT TUESDAY.

ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

I THOUGHT IT SAID THE FIRST,
BUT IT WAS THE SEVENTH.

SEE?
I MEAN, DOESN'T THAT
LOOK LIKE A ONE?

THAT'S YOUR HANDWRITING.

WELL, I FEEL
BAD ENOUGH ALREADY.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?

I THINK WE SHOULD
PROBABLY LEAVE.

OKAY, WE'LL COME BACK
NEXT TUESDAY.

HAVE A NICE WEEK.

THE ANGRY WHITE MAN

WOULD KEEP HIS APARTMENT
FOR SIX MORE DAYS

BEFORE CORONARY THROMBOSIS
TERMINATED HIS LEASE.

IN THE MEANTIME,
I WAS HOMELESS.

DO YOU REMEMBER
THE FIRST TIME

YOU ASKED YOUR PARENTS
ABOUT THE D-WORD?

MY DAD JUST ABOUT
SHIT HIS PANTS.

HE TOLD ME...

NOT TO WORRY.

HE SAID THAT
MOST PEOPLE DIE
WHEN THEY'RE SO OLD,

THEY DON'T CARE
ABOUT LIVING ANYMORE.

I'M SORRY,
I TUNED YOU OUT.

WERE YOU WHINING?

I DIDN'T SLEEP FOR A MONTH.

AS CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS GO,
NOTHING...

NOTHING BEATS
THE REALIZATION

THAT EVERYTHING DIES,

INCLUDING YOU.

SO MUCH WORSE
THAN ANYTHING

YOUR PARENTS COULD
EVER DO TO YOU, YOU KNOW?

I WAS ALWAYS
A HAPPY CHILD.

I NEVER THOUGHT
ABOUT DEATH THAT MUCH.

YOU GUYS WANT TO GET
SOME ICE CREAM?

BETTY TREATED US
TO AN ICE CREAM

AND WENT ON HER WAY.

I HAD CHOCOLATE-CHOCOLATE
SOMETHING.

MASON HAD VANILLA.

NORMALLY,
I'D FIND THAT SUSPICIOUS,

BUT ON HIM,
IT WAS ENDEARING.

HEY, LOOK.

THIS IS WHAT WE LOOK LIKE
TO THE LIVING.

HOLY SHIT.

"LITTLE BUNNY
FOO-FOO..."

OF ALL THE THINGS
THAT GO WITH BEING UNDEAD,

THIS ONE
FREAKED ME OUT THE MOST.

WHO DECIDES
WHAT WE LOOK LIKE?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE THIS IS WHAT
OUR INNER CHILD LOOKS LIKE
WHEN IT GROWS UP.

IF THAT WERE THE CASE,

IT LOOKED LIKE
MY INNER-CHILD'S
ROAD TO ADULTHOOD

WAS PAVED WITH CRACK-COCAINE,
$10 BLOW JOBS,

AND MAYBE EVEN
A TRICK-BABY OR TWO.

YOU THINK SHE'S PRETTY?

NOT AS PRETTY AS YOU.

I SHOULD HAVE SAID THANK YOU.

I WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU.

I WANTED TO SMILE,
AND FLIRT, AND GIGGLE,

BUT INSTEAD, I SAID...

WHATEVER.

BE AS THE FLY
UPON THE WALL.

OBSERVE.
DO NOT INTERACT.

THAT'S VERY
ZEN OF YOU.

YOU MUST SMOKE POT.

SERIOUSLY.

SOME REAPERS BELIEVE
THAT YOUR APPOINTMENT
WITH DEATH

IS ON THE BOOKS
BEFORE YOU'RE EVEN BORN.

WHAT IF THEY DON'T
MAKE THE APPOINTMENT?

OOH...
HOW SHOULD I KNOW THAT ONE?

ALL I'M SAYING IS
DON'T TURN UP,

AND START MOVING SHIT AROUND,
AND TALKING TO PEOPLE,

BECAUSE YOU...

YOU MIGHT CHANGE
THE OUTCOME OF EVENTS.

TREAT IT LIKE
A RETROACTIVE CRIME SCENE.

YOU STICK
TO THE SIDELINES,

AND LOOK
FOR HIGH-RISK FACTORS.

LIKE WHAT?

THE PEOPLE
BEHIND THAT COUNTER.

THEY'RE MISERABLE.

UNHAPPY PEOPLE
DO UNHAPPY THINGS.

BOB'S THE BIG BOY
ON THE LADDER.

HE COULD SLIP AND FALL.

HE COULD SLIP
AND FALL ON SOMEBODY.

TWEAKER-CHICK.

FOR ALL WE KNOW,
SHE'S FREE-BASING
IN THE LADIES' ROOM.

THIS COULD BE
AN OVERDOSE.

MAYBE SHE JUST
GOT HER PERIOD.

LIGHTEN UP.

YOU GET THE PICTURE.

IT'S LIKE CLUE.

HUH?

GRAVELING IN THE BANK LOBBY

WITH A BANANA PEEL.

ALL RIGHT.

MIGHT NOT BE A GRAVELING.

COULD BE MURDER,
COULD BE SUICIDE,

COULD BE FOOD POISONING.

IT'S THE BANANA PEEL.

GRAVELING.
BANANA PEEL.

OKAY.

LET'S SAY IT IS
THE GRAVELING.

BANANA WAS A BIT TOO OBVIOUS.

I SAW THEM DROP A PIANO
ON SOME CHICK'S HEAD.

THEY'RE NOT SCORING
POINTS FOR ORIGINALITY.

IT'S NOT THE BANANA PEEL,
ALL RIGHT?

IF IT'S NOT THE BANANA PEEL,
GO THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE.

FINE. I'LL DO IT.

ALL RIGHT. I'M WILLING
TO ENTERTAIN THE POSSIBILITY

THAT IT MIGHT BE
THE BANANA PEEL.

NOW SIT BACK DOWN.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT
YOU WERE GOING TO SAY.

YEAH.

SO HOW MUCH DO WE KNOW
ABOUT THIS PERSON?

WHO?

UH, THE ONE
THAT'S GOING TO DIE?

OH. NOT A LOT.

LAST NAME'S MOORE.

INITIALS B.M.

B.M. MOORE.

THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS.

E.T.D. IS 2:36.

E.T.D.?

ESTIMATED TIME OF DEATH.

SO IS OUR B.M.
A HE OR A SHE?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

NO, I'M NOT KIDDING.

WE GET A NAME, AN ADDRESS,
AND AN E.T.D.

THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING
I'VE EVER HEARD,

AND ON A POST-IT NOTE?

RUDE.

THE LESS WE KNOW,
THE BETTER.

HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT?

BECAUSE IT KEEPS IT CLEAN.

IT'S A LOT EASIER
NOT TO GIVE A SHIT

WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THEM.

OH.

SO I WAS
AS THE FLY UPON THE WALL.

I OBSERVED.
I DIDN'T INTERACT,

AND IN MY OBSERVATIONS,

I HEARD PLENTY OF B NAMES
BEING BANDIED ABOUT

IN OFFICE GOSSIP,

BUT WERE ANY OF THEM B.M.s?

THERE WAS BYRON,
THE EMBEZZLING BANK MANAGER...

BRENDA, THE OFFICE SLUT...

UH-HUH.

YEAH...

YEAH.

...BRAD,
THE PHILANDERING
LOAN OFFICER...

YEAH, UH,
I GOT TO CALL YOU BACK, OKAY?

...AND BECKY,
HIS ADORING WIFE...

BUT THERE WAS ONE MORE B-NAME
THEY WEREN'T GOSSIPING ABOUT.

HELLO.

CAN I HELP YOU?

BRETT, THE HAPLESS
BANK ROBBER.

EVERYONE, LISTEN TO ME.

THIS DEVICE IS DESIGNED

TO DETECT THE ACTIVATION
OF A SILENT ALARM.

IF A SILENT ALARM IS DETECTED,
I'LL START KILLING EVERYONE.

I MEAN...

I MEAN, PEOPLE.

I'LL START KILLING PEOPLE.

HE REHEARSED ALL MORNING.

PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON
ON THE FLOOR.

NOW! NOW!

PUT YOUR GODDAMN WEAPON
ON THE GROUND, NOW!

STILL THINK
IT'S THE BANANA PEEL?

KICK IT OVER TO ME.

EVERYBODY DOWN ON THE FLOOR,
NOW!

NOW, YOU.
GET OUT HERE, NOW! HURRY.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

GET OUT HERE, NOW!

ALL RIGHT.

MEANWHILE,

THE PHILANDERER
AND THE OFFICE SLUT

WERE MAKING
SWEET, SWEET LOVE...

OH!

[ BABY CRYING ]

...AS THEY HAD DONE
SO MANY TIMES BEFORE.

OKAY, GO STAND
OVER THERE.

BRADLEY? BRAD?

BRAD?

DOWN ON THE FLOOR.

DON'T YOU POINT
THAT GUN AT ME.

I'M HOLDING A BABY HERE.

SHUT UP!

YOU SHUT UP.

NO ONE TOLD YOU TO STOP
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

THIS MAN IS WAITING
FOR HIS MONEY.

HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE
SUPPOSED TO DIE AGAIN?

JUST ONE...

HURRY!
I THINK.

JUST COOL YOUR JETS.

YOU.

YOU KNOW BRAD?

YES.

I'M HIS WIFE.

OH.

OH...

YEAH, "OH."

IS MY BABY CHEATING ON ME?

UH...

JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH.
IS HE?

YES, MA'AM. YES.

THE WHOLE BANK
KNOWS ABOUT IT.

OH, MOTHERFUCKER.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MOTHERFUCKER.

HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN
CHEATING ON ME?

UH, I DON'T KNOW.
ABOUT TWO YEARS?

YEAH, I'D SAY TWO...
AT LEAST.

DID YOU MAKE LOVE
TO MY HUSBAND?

NO. NO.

NO. GOD, NO.

BRAD?

BRAD, BABY,

I'M NOT GOING TO HURT YOU.

I JUST WANT TO ASK YOU
SOMETHING, OKAY?

I MEAN, I KNOW YOU'RE HERE,

BECAUSE YOU LEFT YOUR JACKET
ON THE BACK OF YOUR CHAIR.

IS HE HIDING BACK THERE
FROM ME?

I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM
SINCE HE GOT BACK
FROM BREAK.

BRAD?

ARE YOU BACK THERE?

YOU GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW,
AND I MEAN IT.

YOU'D BETTER
UNLOCK THIS DOOR.

NOBODY DIED.

IS THAT, LIKE, KOSHER?

IT'S NOT 2:36 YET.

BANK'S CLOSED.

NO, A.T.M.'S BUSTED, HOSS.
I GOT TO CASH MY CHECK.

SORRY, BANK'S CLOSED.

COME ON, MAN.

YOU WERE RIGHT.

IT WAS THE BANANA PEEL.

DUDE, THAT IS FUCKED UP.

WAIT A SECOND.

IS THAT ME?

YEAH. SORRY, MAN.
YOU'RE DEAD.

NO WAY!

I JUST GOT PAID.

AW, MAN, THIS SUCKS!

DO YOU LIVE ALONE?

IT HAD A POORLY VENTILATED,
THIRD-WORLD YOUTH HOSTEL

KIND OF CHARM.

AT LEAST
THERE WEREN'T ANY BODIES,

AND OF ALL THE VARIOUS
AND SUNDRY STAINS,

NONE OF THEM
WERE BLOOD OR GORE.

I WAS THANKFUL
FOR THE LITTLE THINGS.

IT WAS OFFICIAL.

I WAS ON MY OWN.

I WAS DEAD,
NAY, UNDEAD,

AND NOT ONLY
DID I HAVE TO FIND A JOB,

I HAD TO DO LAUNDRY.

THIS WAS
MY SO-CALLED AFTERLIFE.

HYPNOTIZED BY THE SOAPY SWIRL
OF ALL-TEMPERATURE CHEER,

IT OCCURRED TO ME...

IF I WERE ALIVE AND WELL,
MY MOM
WOULD BE WASHING MY SHEETS.

THEY WOULD MAGICALLY
APPEAR ON MY BED,

CRISP, CLEAN,
AND TUCKED INTO THE MATTRESS.

THOSE DAYS WERE OVER.

IT WAS ALL OVER.

THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT
ANY EASIER TO MOVE ON,

EVEN THOUGH LIFE
HAD MOVED ON WITHOUT ME.

I FELT LIKE A PERVERT
PEEPING FROM THE SHADOWS.

I COULD SEE HER,
BUT SHE COULDN'T SEE ME.

GODDAMN.
SHE'S SELLING MY SHIT.

CAN I HELP YOU?

HOW MUCH?

THAT SHOULDN'T BE OUT HERE.

IT'S GOT A STICKER ON IT.

75--

YOU WERE GOING TO SELL
FRANKEN FRUITY
FOR 75 CENTS?

WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE
ON CHILDHOOD MEMORIES?

THAT'S A MISTAKE.
IT'S NOT FOR SALE.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I CHANGED MY MIND.

I'LL GIVE YOU
FIVE BUCKS FOR IT.

I TOLD YOU,
IT'S NOT FOR SALE.

IT'S JUST A STUPID TOY.

IT WAS MY DAUGHTER'S.

SHE'S DEAD.

NOW GIVE ME
THE FUCKING DOLL.

I NEVER HEARD MY MOM
SAY THE F-WORD BEFORE.

MY EARS
WERE ACTUALLY RINGING.

WHERE DID SHE GET IT?

WHAT?
FRANKEN FRUITY.

I'VE BEEN
LOOKING FOR ONE
FOR A LONG TIME.

WHERE DID SHE GET IT?

SHE GOT IT
AT A YARD SALE

WHEN SHE WAS
A LITTLE GIRL.

I DOUBT THEY MAKE
THEM ANYMORE. TRY EBAY.

HOW DID YOUR DAUGHTER DIE?

I DON'T THINK I WANT TO HAVE
THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU.

WELL, WHAT WAS SHE LIKE?

WHY DO YOU CARE?

I JUST THINK IT'S COOL
SHE HAD THE DOLL,
IS ALL.

I MEAN.
FRANKEN FRUITY IS THE SHIT.

SHE DROVE ME CRAZY,
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

WHAT?

SHE WAS STUBBORN.

BUT I THINK
THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE
SHE WAS SMART.

PROBABLY TOO SMART.

SHE FIGURED A LOT OF THINGS
OUT WAY BEFORE HER FRIENDS,

THAT'S FOR SURE.

WE NEVER REALLY GOT ALONG.

I DON'T THINK
I WAS A VERY GOOD MOTHER.

IF YOU WANT THE GODDAMN DOLL
SO BAD, YOU CAN HAVE IT,

BUT ONLY UNTIL
YOU FIND YOUR OWN,

AND THEN I WANT THIS BACK,
UNDERSTOOD?

$5.00.

IT SAYS 75 CENTS.

YOU OFFERED ME $5.00.

YOU'LL GET IT BACK
WHEN I GET MY DOLL BACK.

YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW.

YOU'RE MAKING ME TIRED.

BYE.

IT WAS
THE LONGEST CONVERSATION
I HAD WITH MY MOTHER

SINCE I STARTED
HAVING MY PERIOD...

AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
IT WAS ME.

GET UP.

COME ON.

MOM?
NO, I'M NOT
YOUR MOTHER.

FUCK.

WHAT?

I WAS HOPING
IT WAS ALL A DREAM.

GET DRESSED.

ORDER UP.

YOU GET YOURSELF
A PLACE TO STAY?

YEAH.
I FOUND
A NEW PLACE TOO.

OH, YEAH?

VERY NICELY EQUIPPED.

ALL THE AMENITIES,
A JACUZZI TUB,

WALK-IN CLOSET
WITH SHOES FOR DAYS,

AND THIS CRAZY
KING-SIZE BED.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE MATTRESS.

SIMMONS TERRACE HILL.

MEDIUM-FIRM.

YOU BITCH.

BABIES DON'T
SLEEP THAT GOOD.

THEY CAN'T AFFORD TO.

SO DID THE WAITRESS COME BACK?

DAMN, I AM THIRSTY.

YOU DON'T MIND, DO YOU?
THANK YOU.

BANANA BONANZAS
ALL AROUND.

ACTUALLY,
I WAS GOING TO HAVE--

THE MAN SAID BANANA BONANZAS,
ALL AROUND.

BANANA BONANZA, AND, UM,
CAN I HAVE
MORE JUICE, PLEASE?

AND SOME WATER.

[ SNEEZES ]

BLESS YOU.

EXCUSE ME.

DO YOUR NIPPLES GET HARD
WHEN YOU SNEEZE?

UH, I DON'T...

I DON'T KNOW.

MINE DO.

I COULD PUT
AN EYE OUT. YOURS?

LIKE LITTLE DIAMONDS.

MINE ARE ALWAYS HARD.
I'M NOT SURE WHY.

I ALREADY DID THIS GUY.

THAT WAS SENIOR.
THIS IS JUNIOR.

OH, THAT'S SAD.

THEY SHOULD HAVE
DIED TOGETHER.
SAVED YOU A JOURNEY.

REALLY, THOUGH.

SO, PEANUT...

YOU FEEL UP
TO TAKING A SOUL TODAY?

NOT REALLY.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

TIME TO BUST THAT CHERRY.

2-B OR NOT 2-B?

THAT'S THE QUESTION...

AND FOR ONE UNLUCKY PASSENGER
ON COASTAL LINK EXPRESS,

IT TURNS OUT
I HAVE THE ANSWER.

HOW DO I KNOW
WHICH ONE?

CAR SIX, SEAT FOUR.
TRAVELING ALONE.

ONCE THEY TAKE THEIR SEAT,
MAKE SURE THEY STAY THERE.

[ P.A. ]:
LAST CALL, TRACK TWO.

COASTAL LINK EXPRESS
MAKING ITS FINAL STOP

AT PORTLAND'S
SIXTH AVENUE STATION.

E.T.D. IS 7:27.

IT'S GOING TO BE
A VIOLENT ONE,

SO POP THE SOUL OUT
BEFORE THINGS GET MESSY.

HOW VIOLENT?

WEAR YOUR SEAT BELT.

DO TRAINS
HAVE SEAT BELTS?

YOU KNOW,
I DON'T THINK THEY DO.

I'M GOING TO VOMIT.

WELL,

THE FIRST ONE'S NEVER EASY.

I REMEMBER MINE, DAMN FOOL.

BLUR IT IS.
ALMOST VAPORIZED.

TOOK ME A HALF-HOUR
TO FIND A PIECE BIG ENOUGH

TO PULL THE SOUL OUT OF.

WHAT IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG?

WELL, LOOK AT IT THIS WAY,
YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD.

THAT'S SO NOT FUNNY.

YOU'LL BE FINE.

JUST DO EVERYTHING
LIKE I SHOWED YOU,

AND I'LL SEE YOU
AT THE NEXT STOP,

RIGHT UP HERE.

ALL ABOARD!

I WAS ON AUTOPILOT.

EVERY TIME
MY BODY TOOK A STEP,

MY MIND
SCREAMED FOR IT TO STOP
AND RUN THE OTHER WAY,

BUT I KEPT WALKING.

I WONDERED WHICH ONE
IT WAS GOING TO BE,

AND HOW THEY WERE PLANNING
TO GET HOME
FROM THE TRAIN STATION.

WERE THEY GOING TO
TAKE A TAXI,

OR WAS A LOVED ONE
SUPPOSED TO PICK THEM UP?

IF I HAD ONE WISH,

IT WOULD BE THAT THE PERSON
SITTING IN CAR SIX, SEAT FOUR

WOULD BE DETAINED BY SECURITY

FOR POSSESSION
OF NARCOTIC SUBSTANCES.

ANYTHING THAT MIGHT KEEP THEM
FROM GETTING ON THE TRAIN.

NO SUCH LUCK.

WE HAVE A WINNER.

I IMMEDIATELY
BEGAN TO FANTASIZE

ABOUT WHAT A BITCH SHE WAS.

HOW EVERYBODY HATED HER,
THAT SHE WAS BARREN,

AND HAD NO CHILDREN
TO LOVE HER.

THEN THIS HAPPENED.

HER NAME'S KIRSTI.

ALL ABOARD!

SHE'S IN KINDERGARTEN.

SHE LOVES DRAWING
AND PLAYING WITH LEGOS.

HER FAVORITE FOOD
IS FRENCH FRIES
AND APPLE SAUCE,

AND SHE HAS TO DIE.

[ WHISTLING ]

THIS IS WHY
HAVING A DESTINY SUCKS.

I STARED
AT THE BACK OF HER SEAT

FOR WHAT SEEMED LIKE HOURS,

THINKING ABOUT ALL THE THINGS
I'D RATHER BE DOING,

LIKE HAVING A ROOT CANAL,
OR A PAP SMEAR,

OR GOING TO CHURCH.

SURE BEATS FLYING,
DON'T IT?

WHAT? OH, YEAH, I GUESS.

YOU KNOW,
ALL THE TEQUILA IN MEXICO

COULDN'T GET ME
ON A PLANE.

NOW, THERE WAS THIS TIME
WHEN I WAS ABOUT YOUR AGE--

I CAN'T TALK TO YOU
RIGHT NOW.

I'M... PRAYING.

OH.

IF ONLY I COULD CLOSE MY EYES
AND WISH ALL THIS AWAY,

WISH IT INTO THE CORNFIELD,
OR WHATEVER.

I'D OPEN MY EYES,
AND I'D START OVER.

I'D DO EVERYTHING RIGHT.

I WOULDN'T
DROP OUT OF COLLEGE,

I WOULDN'T WORK
AT SOME CRAP TEMP JOB,

AND I WOULDN'T DIE.

HI.

DO YOU WORK
FOR THE RAILROAD?

NO.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO TALK TO YOU

UNLESS YOU WORK
FOR THE RAILROAD.

OKAY. I WORK
FOR THE RAILROAD.

WHERE'S YOUR UNIFORM?

IT'S AT THE CLEANERS, OKAY?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

KIRSTI.

I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY AFTER THAT.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE
THEY COVER THIS SORT OF THING

ON SESAME STREET,

SO I ASKED...

YOU EVER BEEN TO SEA WORLD?

MAGIC MOUNTAIN?

DISNEYLAND?

I LIKE DONALD DUCK.

YEAH, ME TOO.

YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU SPEND
ALL DAY AT THE PARK

RIDING ALL THE RIDES,
AND YOU DON'T WANT TO STOP?

AND THEN YOUR PARENTS
SAY IT'S TIME TO GO HOME,

ONLY YOU'RE NOT READY YET.

YOU JUST WANT TO GO
ON ONE MORE RIDE,
BUT YOU CAN'T,

AND IT'S NOT FAIR,

AND YOU'RE
PISSED OFF, AND...

IS ANY OF THIS MAKING SENSE?

WHY DON'T YOU
COME SIT WITH ME?

MISS...
EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, WE'RE JUST
CHANGING SEATS.

YOU KNOW THIS LITTLE GIRL?

I DON'T KNOW HER.

MAYBE YOU BOTH SHOULD GO BACK
TO YOUR ASSIGNED SEATS.

NO, SHE SHOULD
COME SIT WITH ME.

SIT DOWN
AND HOLD ONTO SOMETHING.

MISTER BLINKY!

EVERYONE OKAY?

THERE WERE 10 PASSENGERS
IN THIS CAR.

I'LL COUNT YOU ALL OFF.

ONE, TWO,

THREE,

FOUR...

SWEET KIRSTI,

WITH HER BABY-DOLL DRESS
AND PATENT LEATHER MARY-JANES,

WAS ALIVE AND WELL.

I SECRETLY HOPED

THAT THIS SORT OF THING
WAS GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION.

...10.

AND THAT WAS ONE MORE
THAN THERE SHOULD BE.

WE'RE ALL HERE.

FORTUNATELY,

THE TRAUMA OF OUR COLLECTIVE
NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE

KEPT CONVERSATION
TO A MINIMUM.

WE'RE PROBABLY
NOT TOO FAR
FROM HIGHWAY 20.

I'M SURE RESCUE TEAMS
ARE ON THEIR WAY.

I SUGGEST WE USE THIS TIME
TO KEEP WARM

AND COUNT OUR BLESSINGS.

MISS?

WE SHOULD STICK TOGETHER.

I HAVE TO PEE.

STAY CLOSE.

[ HUMMING ]

RUBE, WHERE ARE YOU?

KEEP IT DOWN.

YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME
IT WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
YOU DICK.

WELL, WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE?

IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
WHY HER?

WHY DO YOU THINK?

SHE SHOWED UP
FOR HER APPOINTMENT.

WELL, THEN
YOU SHOULD HAVE RESCHEDULED.

WELL, THAT'S NOT
HOW IT WORKS.

YOU JUST CAN'T CHANGE FATE.

I DID.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

WHAT DID YOU DO?

SHE'S NOT DEAD.

I DIDN'T REMOVE HER SOUL.

YOU MIND TELLING ME
WHAT IT IS YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING?

I'M LETTING HER LIVE.

THERE'S A CARDINAL RULE.

EVERYBODY DIES.

NOW YOU BETTER
MARCH ON OVER THERE,

AND YOU TAKE HER SOUL
RIGHT QUICK.

IF YOU WANT HER
TO DIE SO BAD, YOU DO IT.

I CAN'T. NO ONE CAN,
EXCEPT YOU.

DEATH IS NON-TRANSFERABLE.

SHE'S YOUR MARK.

ONLY YOU CAN DO THE DEED.

THEN BARRING
ANY UNFORESEEN ACCIDENTS,

I'D SAY SHE HAS
ANOTHER 80 YEARS.

YEAH, WELL, YOU BELIEVE ME,
THAT'S 80 YEARS
SHE DOESN'T WANT.

WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

HER FATE WAS SEALED
STEPPING ONTO THAT TRAIN.

HER SOUL EXPIRED.

KNOW WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU KEEP A SOUL AROUND
AFTER IT'S TIME?

NO.

SAME THING
THAT HAPPENS TO MILK.

IT SPOILS, GOES BAD.

SOULS GO BAD
IN ALL KINDS OF WAYS.

BUT--
IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE

COMPREHENDING THE SEVERITY
OF THIS SITUATION,

WHY DON'T YOU
CONSULT WEBSTER'S

ON THE DEFINITION
OF "BAD"?

IF YOU DON'T TAKE HER SOUL,

IT'S GOING TO WITHER,
AND DIE,

AND ROT INSIDE HER.

I'VE SEEN IT HAPPEN.

DO YOU WISH
TO CONDEMN HER TO THAT?

SHE'S JUST A LITTLE GIRL.

SHE CAN'T DIE.
IT'S CRUEL.

IT IS CRUEL.

IT'S CRUEL SHE'LL NEVER KNOW
WHAT LIFE IS REALLY LIKE.

IT'S CRUEL SHE'LL MISS OUT

ON SO MUCH LOVE, AND PAIN,
AND BEAUTY,

AND THAT'S SAD FOR EVERYONE
IN THE WORLD,

EXCEPT FOR HER.

SHE WON'T
GIVE A RAT'S ASS.

SHE'LL BE DOING
SOMETHING DIFFERENT,

AND THAT'S JUST
THE WAY IT IS.

BUT I...

I JUST WANTED TO SAVE HER.

YOU CAN'T.

YOU CAN'T SAVE ANY OF THEM.

ALL YOU CAN EVER HOPE TO DO
IS MAKE IT EASIER,

AND THAT MAY NOT
SEEM LIKE A LOT,

BUT IT IS.

GO ON.

I DON'T KNOW
IF THIS IS WHAT
I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY.

I...

I MEAN, YOU...

DO ME A FAVOR,
JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES.

WE'RE GOING TO GO
FOR A RIDE, OKAY?

WAIT!
YOU CAN'T GO
WHERE SHE'S GOING.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S NOT FOR US TO KNOW.

AS WE WALKED
INTO THE DARK UNKNOWN,

OR WHATEVER
YOU WANT TO CALL IT,

I THOUGHT, IS THIS IT?

IS THIS WHO I AM?

AM I REALLY A GRIM REAPER?

I THINK FOR ME,
DEATH WAS JUST
A WAKE-UP CALL.