All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine Nine s08e04 Balancing.eng

- Listen up, everyone.
We had a murder this morning.

The vic was found at 8:45
by a dog walker

who let herself
into his apartment--

- Oh, my God, it's Franzia!

This is the work of
Johnny Franzia, my white whale.

He's finally resurfaced.

- Not this again.
- Yes, this again.

Johnny Franzia has been
on a murder spree

for the past ten years,

and every time
he kills someone, he taunts me.

Look, there's a deck of cards.

- You say that whenever
there's cards at a crime scene.

You know how many people
own cards, Jake?

- Then explain this.

Johnny Franzia's catchphrase
is "deuces are wild."

Now look around the apartment.

Two chairs, two paintings,
two pillows.

- There are three lamps.

- You think Franzia
gives a damn about lamps?

You sound so dumb right now.

This is why you don't have
an arch nemesis, Terry,

because you focus
on all the wrong details.

- Maybe I don't have
an arch nemesis

because I solve all my crimes.

- That's a pretty [bleep]-up
thing to say to me.

[upbeat music]

♪

- You wanted to see us,
Captain?

- I'm giving the murder
to someone else.

- What?

You're taking me
off the Franzia case?

My God, he got to you,
didn't he?

- I assure you, he did not.

I had never heard
of Johnny Franzia before today.

- Well, it was mostly
before you arrived.

Actually, you're entire
first year here

I was convinced
you were Franzia,

which I now realize
is completely ridiculous.

Or is it?

- I have no investment
in this backstory.

- Right.
- I'm taking you off the case

because you both asked

for reduced hours
to focus on childcare,

and Santiago has her
big presentation this week.

If our pilot program
to reimagine

how uniformed officers
are deployed gets funded,

it will represent a significant
reform for the NYPD.

- Sir, we can take care of Mac
and still do both of our jobs.

Trust me, we've got this whole
parenting thing figured out.

- It's true.
We're great, and Mac is great.

I mean,
the only teeny-tiny issue

is that he isn't
pulling himself up yet,

but the window for that
is 9 to 12 months.

So the fact that he's 10 months
old and isn't doing it yet

doesn't mean
that we're bad parents.

And I was reading
that Simone Biles

went straight from crawling
to walking.

So, yeah, I guess I should be
"concerned"

that my son
is on the same track

as a multiple
gold medal winner.

I mean, get real, sir.

[laughs]

- So, yeah, Mac's having
a little trouble pulling up,

but did that convince you
to give us more responsibility?

- Look, if you promise
you can handle it,

I'll put you back
on the John Franzo case.

- Franzia.
Johnny Franzia.

How could you forget that?
Unless...

- Get out.
- You got it.

- Thank you for letting me
stay with you, Diaz.

I am sorry for imposing.

I assumed I'd be back
with Kevin by now.

- Oh, couple's therapy
isn't going well?

- Well,
we're not back together,

even after three full sessions.

That's three hours,

more if you include
travel time.

- Why would I include
travel time?

- It's a longer drive for me
than for Kevin,

so I'm putting in more effort.

- Hmm, I wonder why
it's not going well.

- Well, Kevin says it's because
all I care about is work.

But if that's true,
why did I leave work

13 minutes early today
to move in with you?

- Well, you can stay
as long as you like.

You're quiet, you're neat.
You're the perfect roommate.

- I think Kevin would disagree.

He told Dr. Cheryl
I'm a sore loser at Scrabble.

How would he know that
when I win 78% of our matches?

- Wow, you're a lot chattier
than I remember you being.

- Oh, sorry.
I promise--

I won't obsess about Kevin
the whole time I'm here.

- Okay.
Great.

- Although I may break
that promise,

because according to Kevin,
I'm a liar.

- Ah, damn it,
two of clubs is blank.

That's not like him.
So what are we missing here?

Two chairs, two paintings.
Oh, my God, the lamps.

- But you told Terry

that Franzia
didn't care about lamps.

- No, he loves lamps.

I was just feeling attacked,
so I lashed out,

but why three identical lamps
instead of two?

Because they're
not actually identical.

The shade on this one
is darker, and...

- Ooh!
- It's a blacklight.

Yes, frickin' two of clubs.

Turn off the overheads.

[gasps]
Franzia!

- Hey, so don't freak out,

but apparently there
are several other groups

presenting reform proposals
to One Police Plaza,

and only one will get funding.

- Why would that make me
freak out?

- Because you can be
a little competitive.

- [scoffs]
That's not true.

No one is less competitive
than me.

No one.

- Anyway, uh, here's
who you're up against.

- Alan Peters.
Dud.

Mike Lynch.
Dud.

Tad Green.
Dud!

[gasps]
Austin Grant.

- Who's Austin Grant?
Not a dud?

- Oh, he's a dud,
but he's a hot dud.

He's a "hud."

He gets everything
handed to him

because he looks
so good in a uniform.

Ugh, and he's pitching

predictive algorithmic policing.

That's just high-tech
racial profiling.

- Okay, look, if this guy
is style over substance,

we just need to give you
some style.

Check this out.

Tiny Terry won the
Little Mister Michigan pageant.

- You just happen to have
a video of yourself

as a seven-year-old
on your phone?

- Big Terry's proud
of Tiny Terry.

Look, the point is,
I can help you.

- Terry!
Terry!

It's him.
It's really Franzia.

Don't ask how I know

'cause it has nothing
to do with lamps.

- Jake, what are you
doing here?

- What are you doing here?

both: You're supposed to be
getting Mac from day care!

- [grunts]

He's finally down.

Did you miss anything important
with your case?

- Yes, because jokers are wild,

Charles went to the "Joker"
stairs, and there was graffiti

of the victim's name
written on a bus stop.

So Charles got on the bus,
took it to the end of the line,

where there was
a payphone ringing.

He picked it up, and there
was a voice on the other end

that told him a riddle.

- What was the riddle?
- I don't know.

He had to go before he could
tell me because he noticed

that his kitchen window
was mysteriously unlocked.

Stupid Franzia is probably
in his house right now

trying to murder him
and his family.

- At least he's not here
trying to murder me and Mac.

- I appreciate you trying
to make me feel better, Ames,

but we both know
you're grasping at straws.

[cell phone buzzes]
[groans] Thank God.

Charles is fine.
Nobody in the house.

I would have been so jealous.

- I'm sorry, babe.

I'd say I'd take over Mac stuff
for the week,

but I have to rewrite my whole
presentation to be snappier,

and, also, according to Terry,
I need to learn

how to walk with my shoulders
and not my feet.

- It's okay. What you're doing
is super important.

I'll just scale back

and let Charles run point
on the Franzia case.

- No.
None of us are scaling back.

We can be good parents without
sacrificing our careers.

We just have to work as a team.

- You know what?
Yes, you're right.

[cell phone chimes]
We got this.

All we need is each other.

- There's been a lice outbreak
at day care,

and they're closing
for the next two days.

- What?
No!

We need so much more
than each other.

- Ugh, damn it.

none of our regular babysitters
are available,

and my parents are out of town,
and my brother David can't help

because he's in
Sudan digging wells

for somebody or something--
I don't know, I hung up on him.

- My dad's out, too.

That's all he said,
didn't give a reason.

Wait, I've got it.

Let's just let Mac
watch TV all day.

- Jake, we've talked
about this.

No screen time for Mac
until he turns two.

Ugh.

All this stress
is making my head itch.

- Yeah, it's weird--I've
actually been itching myself.

- [gasps] No! Lice!
Scratching it makes it worse.

- Is that true?
- I don't know.

We don't have time
to know what's true.

- Okay, okay,
let's just stay calm.

When I had lice
in the fifth grade,

my mom put a bunch
of maple syrup in my hair,

and it smothered them to death,
it was actually kind of cool.

You can hear
their tiny screams.

- No, that's
an old home remedy,

and day care actually
recommends

a place where you go, and they
comb the lice out for you.

I bet we'll be in and out
in 20 minutes.

Six hours?
Who has that kind of time?

[sighs]

- So now what?
- [sighs]

- I mean, I guess
there is one last option.

- Please don't say it.

- It worked for me
in fifth grade.

- I really don't want to.

- It is kind of cool
to hear the screaming.

- Okay, fine,
we'll do the syrup.

- We're gonna do the syrup!

[Skid Row's "Monkey Business"]

- ♪ Come on

♪ Oh

- Oh, Amy, what is that
enchanting new perfume?

- It's syrup, Scully.

- And it is working.
Hmm-hmm.

- I think you
just made Scully horny.

- Ugh.

- And then
he called her Cheryl,

not Dr. Cheryl,

a clear attempt
to delegitimize her.

Obviously, I agree,
she has zero legitimacy.

I mean, she calls herself
Dr. Cheryl.

Then Kevin brings up how
Cheddar's French comprehension

has regressed.

Cheddar's tutor says

it's because we're not
speaking enough at home.

The worst part
is we used to share socks.

With an odd number,
that was a tense negotiation.

- Enough!

All you do is talk about Kevin.
This needs to stop.

- I'm sorry--
I wish I could stop thinking

about him, but he was
my husband for 20 years.

If you know how I could just
erase him from my memory,

I'd love to hear it.

- We could get really drunk.

- Yes, let's try that.

- Jake, Jake,
Franzia was in my house.

I didn't see anything
last night,

but when I showered
this morning,

a new riddle appeared
in the steam on the mirror.

- Oh, cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool.

I also saw a riddle
while showering.

- But we didn't shower
this morning.

- No, I know, it's just Charles
and I have this agreement

that when I miss something
important on the case,

he pretends like I'm still
involved--it's normal.

Anyways, I'm sure our shower
riddles were the same.

- No, I'm sure
yours was better.

- Well, just to be sure,
why don't you text me yours,

and I'll make sure
it's the same as mine,

and then we can decode it
together

after Ames and I find a sitter.
- Great.

- Ooh, we already have
three applicants.

- Great.
Hire them.

- I think we should
interview them first.

- But what if they're bad?

- This really feels like fate

because I was arrested
in this precinct

literally a year ago
to the day.

- Here, I brought a toy
for the little guy.

- Oh, thanks.
That's very nice of you.

- He's so soft.

Your son's really gonna
enjoy cuddling him.

Want to see me cuddle him?
I love cuddling.

- Well, this went south
very quickly.

- I consider myself
a bit of a Mary Poppins.

- Oh, how so?

- ♪ I'm your nanny,
I'll slap your fanny ♪

♪ Slap, slap, slap

♪ Your fat little fanny

- Yeah, it's gonna be a no.

[sighs]
I got to get back to Franzia,

so feels like we should go
with the cuddler.

- No, as much
as I want to work,

we can't leave our son
with some weirdo.

- [sighs]

- Maybe we ask someone
in the precinct?

- Everyone's working.

both: Not everyone.

- Sure, I'll watch Mac.

Don't worry, I've padded
all the sharp edges in here.

- Wow.
You already baby-proofed it?

- Ah, it's my nap room.

You can take a nap
anywhere in here.

Every surface is like a bed.

both: Huh.
- Works for us.

Okay. Sorry, the babysitter
thing took a little longer

than I was expecting,

but I solved part
of the riddle.

A cat has ten lives.

I think the lives are numbers.

- Wow, that's so smart.

I already solved the riddle.
It's a phone number.

But you're here now.
We can call together.

- Okay, yeah, I guess.

I mean, maybe he'll have

a cool scary modulated voice
or something.

- Yeah, yeah.
- All right.

[line trilling]
- [distorted voice] Hello.

- Oh, my God, he does.

- You solved my riddle,
Detective Boyle.

- And Detective Peralta!

I'm still on your tail,
and your sick game is finally--

- Help!
Help!

- Oh, seriously?

Uh, Franzia,
I got to go real quick.

- What?
You have to go?

- Boyle will explain,
but I'm still on your tail.

And if you think
the jokers are really wild--

- Jake!

- All right, I'm coming!
Damn it!

- Jake!

- What happened?
- Is Mac okay?

- Mac's fine.
It's me.

There was one unpadded corner,
and I stubbed my toe real bad.

Look.

- Ugh!
- Oh, God!

- I'm sorry, I got to go
to the hospital.

- Yeah, immediately,
for so many reasons.

Come on.
- Gosh.

- [sighs]
Is he okay?

- He's fine.

- Ames, I'm sorry, but I think
we're all out of babysitters.

- No.
There is one option left.

- [gasps] His first screen
time, this is amazing.

Which "Transformers" movie
should he watch first?

There's an argument
to be made for "Bumblebee,"

as it is a prequel.

- Jake.
- All right, fine.

Just let it auto-play whatever
garbage it wants, and let's go.

- Okay.
Here you go, Mac.

Here you go.

[happy music playing on phone]

- [crying]
[glass shatters]

- [clears throat]

Yeah, we deserve that.

- Oh, I am hungover.
How you feeling?

- Not good at all.

You were supposed
to watch out for me, Diaz.

- Good news is,
the heavy drinking worked.

You didn't mention Kevin
one time.

- Oh, that is
an accomplishment.

Unfortunately, it appears

that I did think about him
at least once last night.

- What do you mean?

- At 3:30 a.m.,
I seem to have sent Kevin...

A digital phallus portrait.

- A digital phallus portrait?
What is that?

[gasps] Oh, no, you sent him
a [bleep] pic.

[Mac crying]
- Shh. Shh.

Please stop crying.
I'm so tired.

- Maybe we'd all
be better rested

if we hadn't woken up
at 3:00 a.m.

- I'm sorry, I've never slept
with syrup in my hair before.

I didn't know
that was gonna happen.

- Ants!
Ants in the bed!

- Who?
- There's ants in the bed!

- There's ants!
There's ants!

- My presentation is today,

and I am not showing up
in a shower cap.

[sighs]
What are we gonna do?

- There's only one thing
left to do.

We're gonna blow-dry these sons
of bitches straight to hell.

Got to say, worked great.

Although I guess my hair took
it a little better than yours.

And why the glasses?

- Mac knocked my last contacts
into the toilet

while I was blow-drying.

- Got to hand it to him,
it's a solid prank.

Although I must say, this look
kind of works for you.

- Jake, we don't have time
for your nerd fetish.

We are so late.

- I know.
You know what?

Let's not waste any more time
looking for babysitters.

We'll just take Mac
into work with us.

See, Ames, we got this.

- Yeah, this is
not gonna be hard.

- You want to know why?
'Cause we're great parents.

In fact, we forgot Mac.
We left our child inside.

- [gasps] Oh.
- Uh, get the keys.

Okay, I'll take Mac first

so you can start practicing
your presentation.

- Okay.
- Jake, I think

I figured something out
about the toolbox.

- Toolbox?
- Franzia sent me a toolbox.

It turned out to be a puzzle.
It was so boring.

- Charles, it wasn't boring.
I know what you're doing.

Just tell me what happened.
- Okay, so I ran it for prints.

And there was a partial
on the wrench.

It belongs to a guy
named Eric Marsh

who works as a handyman
in the victim's building.

- We have to bring him in.
- Already done.

He's in interrogation
right now,

just waiting for you.
- Oh--[sighs]

But I have Mac
for the next hour.

I can't run an interrogation.

Unless...

- How did your prints end up
on a wrench

that was sent
to this police station?

- That wrench went missing
two weeks ago.

I thought someone took it
out of the back of my truck.

- Of course, that sounds...

- Totally reasonable, Eric.

- Or should I call you
by your real name?

- Johnny Franzia.

- I don't know who that is.

- Uh-oh.
Something stinks.

Something stinks real bad.

Did you poop?
- No.

- You did.
You pooped.

- Oh, God, it's everywhere.

- What did you eat, buddy?

- Today?
I had some oatmeal.

- Here's what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna lie you down,
I'm gonna take your pants off,

and I'm gonna wipe
your little tushy.

- What is going on?

- I actually have
the same question.

Hold on one second.
Jake?

- Why did I send Kevin
an obscene picture?

- Relax.
It's not a big deal.

You were just flirting.

- No, if I were flirting,
I would have sent him

a scatter plot
of educational attainment

versus caloric intake
in Jacobin France.

This is as if I've sent him
a bar graph.

- Are bar graphs bad?

- It reduces robust data sets
to a single point.

Get your head out of your ass!

I'm sorry--I'm just panicking,

thinking about what Kevin
will do when he sees it.

- Wait, you don't think
he's seen it yet?

- No, Kevin
only checks his email

once a day at exactly 4:00 p.m.

- You didn't text it to him?
- We're not teens.

- Let's delete it
off his computer, then.

- Yes, that could work.

Kevin has virtual office hours
at 2:00 p.m.

At the same time, Cheddar
will be taking a French lesson

with his tutor,
Monsieur Arnaud.

We only have
one hourexactement.

Here is Kevin's laptop.
- Great.

- "Dear Kevin, attached please
find a picture of my penis.

Sincerely, Raymond Holt."
Deleted.

- [barks]

- Cheddar!
Non, s'il vous plait, non.

French class
must have ended early.

- Shut up.
- Shh.

- Hello?
Is someone upstairs?

- ♪ Hello, Charles,
fill me in ♪

♪ Any breaks in the case?

[whispering] If you sing
everything as a lullaby,

Mac won't wake up.

- ♪ I understand

♪ The handyman has an alibi

♪ But I found something else

- You sound great.
- [whispering] Thank you.

♪ The lab techs analyzed
Franzia's phone call ♪

♪ There were two other voices

♪ In the background

- Oh, who's a good boy?
Who wants another bite?

- [normal voice] Wait.
Is that Scully feeding Mac?

Was Franzia inside
the building?

- [normal voice] No, his voice
is playing over a speaker

in the background.

Franzia must've bugged
the precinct,

and he was listening to it
when we called him.

[Mac crying]
- Shh, shh.

- ♪ But why would he

♪ Bug Scully's nap closet?

- ♪ 'Cause he didn't bug
the closet ♪

♪ He bugged something
brought inside ♪

- [gasps]
- ♪ Oh, my God, Franzia

♪ Was the weird babysitter

- ♪ He gave the bug
right to you ♪

both: ♪ Son of a bitch

- Amy, we got to talk.

I just got a call
from One Police Plaza.

They said they were trying
to reach you all morning.

- Mac broke my phone.
What do they want?

- They moved
your presentation up.

You're on in 20 minutes!

- 20 minutes?
- Amy!

We know where Franzia is.
We're gonna go arrest him.

I need you to take Mac.

- No, you need to take Mac!
I have to go right now.

- So do I!
What do we do?

- I guess we could call
that creepy babysitter

you liked so much.
- The babysitter is Franzia!

- Even better!
Two birds with one stone!

We bring him to you!

- We're not giving our baby
to a serial killer!

- Oh, grow up!
- Come on!

- Amy, if we miss
this presentation,

that's the end
of the pilot program!

- Jake, SWAT is on their way.
We have to go to Franzia's now.

- This is our best chance
at police reform!

- Franzia, Lieutenant, Franzia!
- Reform, Boyle, Reform!

- Okay, enough!

Charles is right.
Jake has waited years for this.

- No, he can make the arrest
without me.

Without you,
there is no presentation.

I'll take Mac.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, absolutely.

All right, now go.
Everyone, get out of here.

Come on.

- I love you.
- Love you.

[sighs]

[quirky music]

- Oh, crap, there's Austin.

- Oh, damn, he is a "hud."

- Okay, okay.
Let's just be cool.

- Yeah.
- Here, hold my glasses.

Hey, Austin, long time no--
mm, see.

- Santiago, are you okay?

- [chuckles] Yeah, great.
You look good.

- Thanks, I know, and you have
a very brave hairstyle?

[door opens]
- Thank you.

- Sergeant Santiago,
we're ready for you.

- I look insane.
What am I gonna do?

- Okay, style over substance
is clearly out,

but if anyone can substance
the crap out of this,

it's Amy Santiago.

- You're right, I can do this.
Substance over style.

[grunts]
Mm!

Come on, Amy.

- [barking]
- Hello?

Raymond, what are you
doing here?

- Kevin, I didn't know
you were home.

I came by to get a book.

"The History of The Crusades:
Volume Three, 1123 to 1137."

- Why did you need it?
- I had an urgent question.

- About what?
- The atabeg of Mosul.

- Jikirmish?
- Zengi.

- But you already know
everything about Zengi.

- True, it was
Diaz's question, um...

and I was embarrassed for her.

- And what was
your question, Diaz?

- I wanted to know
who Zengi is.

- Yes, that is embarrassing.

I can see why you tried
to cover for her.

Well, if that's all...

- It is.
Uh, just Zengi.

- Just Zengi.

All right, then.
Goodbye.

[door closes]

- [sighs]

- How'd it go?
- Good!

They liked the thesis,
and I was clear on the data.

Just one problem--
I realized halfway through

that these sweatpants

are from a bachelorette party
I went to,

and they say WAP
on the butt.

I told them it stands
for "We All Police."

- Hey, wish me luck in there.
- Did your teeth get whiter?

- That's an illusion.

My smile is so symmetrical,

it makes my teeth
seem brighter.

- Well, good luck.
Oops.

- What the hell?
[door opens]

- Austin, we're--

Everything okay?

- He peed himself.
- [clears throat] No.

- That's funny--
same thing happened

to Alex Nelson
at Little Mister Michigan.

What?

Tiny Terry
did what he had to do.

- So right as we get there,

Franzia disappears into these
crazy underground tunnels.

So we have to switch over
to night vision--

- Charles,
it's all so awesome,

but I actually have to stop you
because I got to go.

I have to feed this baby
some mushed-up avocado--

Oh, my God.

- What happened?
Is Mac okay?

- [chuckles]
He just pulled himself up.

[warm music]

[chuckles]

- Hey, did Kevin seem weird
to you when we told him

we were only there
for that book?

- You think he didn't
believe us?

- No, he seemed sad.

I think he was disappointed

that you were there
for the book and not for him.

Maybe you should let him know
you've been missing him.

- Huh, well,
it might be worth a shot.

- What did you just do?
- I texted him a picture

of my penis,
like you suggested.

- No. Ugh!

I meant for you to call him

and tell him
you've been thinking about him.

- Why didn't you say that?
- I thought it was understood.

- Hold on.
He's writing back.

- Well, what did he say?
- It's a link to a graph.

It's a scatter plot

with a very robust data set.

Well...
[chuckles]

That escalated quickly.

- Hey.

- Hey, how'd
the presentation go?

- Well,
they just called, and...

I won.
- What?

- I have authorization
to start immediately.

- Wait, you won?
That's amazing.

Why aren't you more excited?
Why aren't you dork-dancing?

- 'Cause you had
to miss your thing,

and I didn't want to rub it in.

So I celebrated in the hallway
before I walked in.

[softly]
Yes! Yeah!

Oh! Oh!

How'd it go here with Mac?

- Fine.
Mellow.

He pulled himself up.

- Wait, what?
[gasps]

That's huge!
He's in the window!

[chuckles]
Why are you downplaying this?

- Well, I just figured

you would be bummed
that you missed it.

- Ugh, this sucks.

You didn't get
to arrest Franzia.

I didn't get
to see Mac pull up.

I guess we really
can't do it all.

- I don't know.

I mean, you got to do
the work thing,

and I got to do
the parent thing.

So...

together...

we did do it all.

- Yeah, I guess you're right.

♪

It still totally sucks, though.
- Yeah, I'm really bummed.

- Yeah.
I'm gonna get ready for bed.

- Okay.
You're gonna wake up Mac

and see if he'll pull up,
aren't you?

- Obviously, he is not sleeping
until he does it again.

- All right, well, don't go
without me,

'cause I want to see it.

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.

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