All language subtitles for The.Office.US.S09E19.Stairmageddon.720p.BluRay.2CH.x265.HEVC-PSA

What the hell?

No! This is not happening.

Didn't you get the memo?
It's Stairmageddon.

Come on, Stanley!

Dwight is having maintenance
done on the elevator today,

and he was really
on top of it.

Weeks ago, he started the
Stairmageddon Awareness campaign.

The idea was to get us prepared
both mentally and physically

for a day that hopefully comes
once in a hundred years.

It's a mageddon!

Come on! Come on,
Stanley! Stay in it!

I put 17 damn years
into this company,

and now they're making me
climb Stair Mountain?

Come on!

Our office has an unusually large
number of unusually large people.

This is an abomination!

Come on,
you got this!

OSCAR". So when something as routine
as elevator maintenance happens,

and people are forced to
expend cardiovascular effort,

we have to compare
it to the end of time.

Red alert, red alert!

The reviews are in!
I repeat, the reviews are in!

What? I just got a
text from my brother.

ScrantonTimesTribune.com. There's
a review of the documentary.

What does it say?

I don't know, Phyllis!

I just got the text and
started screaming red alert!

Well, the alert was already set
to red, because of Stairmageddon.

Do you think I should
set it to double red?

I think we should.

"The Office:
An American Workplace

"airing on PBS next
month is a documentary

"following the employees of Scranton's
own Dunder Mifflin paper company!"

"In the series, which
will air starting in May,

"we get an in-depth look at
many interesting local people.

"There's Kevin Malone,
the Falstaffian accountant,

"Dwight Schrute,
the head salesman,

"forever chasing a manager
position he will never get."

What does Josh McAulliffe
know about the paper business?

He works
for a news... Thing.

"Andy Bernard.

"The rudderless trust fund
child/middle-manager

"whose incompetence
is emblematic

"of a declining
American economy."

Ouch. Sorry, Andy. Thafs“.

It's okay.

What the hell
does he know?

"A possible explanation
for his lack of career focus

"is his surprising
musical talent."

I want you to print that out for me.
I will.

Now that this documentary
is coming out,

my days at Dunder Mifflin
are probably limited.

And you know what?
Good!

Because this is not what I
wanted to do with my life.

I wanted to be my
generation's Lisa Loeb.

"Though it mostly focuses on the
daily realities of office life,

"a lurid subplot reveals the
hypocrisy of a local public figure

"embroiled in a gay affair while
preaching family values."

Oh...
Which public figure?

I bet it's Katie Couric. I've
been saying this for years.

No, I think they mean
more like a politician.

You own the building.

Why can't you fix the elevator
in the middle of the night?

Who do I look like,
Jackie Joyner-Kersee?

Well, I did say it would
be an inconvenience.

You should have called me from downstairs.
We could've met in the lobby.

It's time to go
out on a sale.

Here we go. Son, you
lost your mind.

I'm not going anywhere
until you fix my elevator.

The buyer is your
sister's friend,

this is the printing paper for the
entire school district of Lackawanna.

You are coming,
and that's an order!

You are not my damn boss
and you never will be!

Guess what? Never going to happen!
Pete. Iced tea!

Three sugars,
five creams!

Your morning 3x5
coming right up.

Well, we won't be late.
I love you, Mom. Thanks.

Oh, your mom's watching the kids tonight.
So what are you two up to?

Oh, um, Embassy Suites,

Do Not Disturb
sign on the door,

Mommy and Daddy
are on the floor.

I wish.
What then?

Oh, nothing that exciting.

Marriage counseling.

Mmm.

Did you know, that is the only
kind of counseling I've never had.

You know, Jim's kind
of nervous about it,

but I think it could really help.
Mmm.

If we're having issues, it can't
hurt to talk about them, right?

Hey, Toby. Um... I wanted
to ask you a question.

Oh, sure.

It's a little,
uh, personal.

Let's do it.
Let's get personal.

I wanted to talk to you
about your divorce. Whoa.

Sorry. I...
No, no, no. What I meant...

What I meant actually, was...
No. It's okay,

I can handle it.
Uh... So?

You guys obviously went
through some tough times

leading up to it.

Okay-

I was wondering if you ever
did any couples counseling?

Oh sure, lots of times, yeah.

Wait, you and Pam aren't in
couples counseling, are you?

Oh, God!

No, no. We're just starting
couples counseling.

Uh...

Which doesn't
sound any better.

Even you GUYS-

Kelly called it.
2013.

Hey! Hey, hey. No. No. Get out of here.
Clark, get out of here.

My mistake. TOBY: Yes,
it is your mistake.

He's lingering,
so annoying.

I'm going
to kill him.

How can I help? I'm here.
That's all right.

Hello,
William Morris Agency?

I need to speak
with your best agent

who represents
your biggest stars.

Yes, I'll hold.

I'm sorry, I misunderstood.
Goodbye.

Thank you, Stan.

Oh, honey.

Look, I just want our life
to get back to normal.

Ribbon cuttings,
charity balls.

Don't worry. I've scheduled a
press conference for later today.

We just need to face
the cameras together,

a beloved public servant
and his devoted wife.

And move on.

All right. lfl have
to be the good wife,

I'll be the best
damned wife there is.

Correction,
best darned wife.

Sorry,
I'm a better wife than that.

Andy,
I need to talk to you.

Yeah. Come on in. I'm just on
hold with another talent agency.

Ifsinsane. This promo
with me playing banjo

has 250 views already.

And every time I click,
there's more. 251.

252. I can't even keep up!

Stanley is refusing
to go out on a sales call.

I hate people.

Why do they never do
what you need them to do?

Stanley has to go,
that's final.

So what I'm hearing
you say is,

make Stanley go out on this sales
call by whatever means possible?

Yes!

I'm sorry I'm being curt.
It's just,

I'm about to land
a top talent agent.

Mmm-hmm.

Good luck.

Directory.

Movie Star Department.

Back. Directory.

For five years I've held
my instincts in check,

because I wanted
to be made manager.

Maybe it's time for me
to just let that thought go.

It's kind of painful, but
it's also freeing, in a way.

Now it's all
about my instincts.

Hey, Dwight.
Stanley.

One way or another, you
are going to come with me

to make this sale.

Pass.

Hey, can you just let me out of
here before whatever comes next?

Don't worry, it's just
a bull tranquilizer.

Nothing to be
alarmed about,

it's just a man pointing a bull
tranquilizer at a co-worker.

Dwight, you do not
learn, do you?

For a threat to be
credible, you have...

Holy

No, you didn't. I'm sick of
you and your...

It's all right.
Andy approved it.

Man, he is really
in twinkle town now.

Is he going to be okay?

I mean, weren't those darts
intended for an animal, like,

two to three times
larger than him?

Okay, this dosage was meant
for a very small bull,

and Stanley's got way more
body fat than they do.

You gave him three shots.

We've got
about 45 minutes

to get him to the client
before he comes to.

Grab his feet.

Let's go! Move it!
All right.

One, two, three!

He's like a manatee.

Ready? Let's go again. Come on.

We can do this.
One, two, three!

Oh, God.

No wonder my elevator cables
are under such strain.

We got to get a
wheelbarrow or something.

Yes.

Okay, we're good.
We're good.

Let's go.
Oh, my God.

Push!
lam!

Any big weekend plans?

I might see a movie.

Nice.
What about you?

Uh, I don't know yet.
I was thinking about...

Just go right to the top
of the stairs, okay?

And then what?

Okay, listen.

I'm kind of embarrassed
to admit this,

but I've never actually
done this before.

Well, if I may,
you're a natural.

Thank you.

I mean, I've rehearsed it in my head,
like, a thousand times, but...

That's a little weird.

I know, Evel Knievel.

Okay, that's about as good
as that's going to be.

Okay,
now here's the plan.

I'm going to launch him.
I need you to go down

to the bottom
and catch him.

Catch?
Yeah.

I can't catch him.
He's like, 250 pounds.

Use your hands and
just blunt his descent.

Okay? He's going to be
moving slowly... Blunt?

It's 15 feet down, it's at a 45 degree
angle. Get set in your haunches.

It's like you're
catching a medicine...

Dude, the size
of my haunches...

Okay, good call.

He would have put
a hole in your chest,

same as he put
a hole in that wall.

We should probably call a
doctor or something, dude.

You Okay?

So, how does it work?

Is it like, you know,
the action of talking

to a third party breaks
up the logjam, or...

You're really there
to talk to each other.

I'd say the therapist
is more of a facilitator.

Mmm.

He might start by
asking each of you,

"Why do you think
you're here?"

He took this job in Philly
without telling me.

He bought our house
without telling me.

At a certain point, he shouldn't
be rewarded for that.

If I didn't do certain
things without telling Pam,

she'd be married to Roy.

I feel like he's always making
these decisions for the family,

and then I'm left
playing catch up.

If she can just hang on
for a little while longer...

This will be
so huge for our family.

Well,
what's a little while?

What do you mean? I mean,
what's the end date?

I mean, it must be really hard for
her to sign on to be unhappy,

if she doesn't know
when it's going to end.

That's kind of
an impossible question.

Oh, guys,
it's starting, hurry!

Oh, there's Angela!

I work with her!

Yeah.

I mean, I'm happy Angela's the
first one getting famous, but...

That's a little weird, no?
I mean, she can't sing or act,

so it's actually kind of
insane, if you think about it.

Her hair looks beautiful.

Yeah, we get it, Phyllis! She
looks like a freaking movie star!

I would just like to start by
saying there have been some rumors

about my personal life that I would
like to settle once and for all.

As my long-suffering
wife can attest,

I am gay-

Senator, were you always
gay, or did your wife turn you gay?

Question for
the Senator's beard.

I'll say it again for mis amigos latinos.
Yo soy homosexual!

Poor Angela.

Yeah, poor Angela.

I once believed that a gay person
could be somewhat straight.

It wasn't until
my marriage to Angela

that I realized how charmless
I find the female body.

Ooh! Always hurts
to hear that one.

There is someone else I need to thank.
His name is Oscar Martinez.

Come on!

Oscar is the one who opened
my eyes to who I really am.

For the first... Oscar is
with the Senator, too?

Yes! And I knew it
the whole time!

I kept a secret,
I kept a secret so good!

You didn't know, and you didn't
know, and you didn't freaking know.

But I knew!

He knew!
Yes.

We did it!

You did it, Kevin.

Yes!

Oh!

I did it.
Oh, I did it.

And with my new
self-awareness,

I was finally able
to find love at long last,

with my amazing Chief of
Staff, Wesley Silver.

What?
Wesley Silver is gay?

Whoa!

They make a nice couple.

Almost there,
almost there.

Okay. We're running late,
let's get him inside.

We can't just leave him
bubble wrapped like this.

Are you kidding me?

The bubble wrap
is the only thing

that's stopping his suit
from getting wrinkled.

These meetings are
all about presentation.

That's actually really smart.
Thank you.

God, if only there
was any other use

or situation for
that kind of knowledge.

Let's get him inside.

Carla Fern is not
just an actor's agent.

She does writers, directors,
travel and real estate.

Actor?

Oh, no.

Well, I have an act.
Dog-Cat-Mouse.

Yeah, wow. Cool.

Is it hard
to train them to do that?

Mmm... You go
through a lot of mice.

It started by accident, actually,
as these things tend to do.

You know,
I was setting down my cat

and I accidentally
put her on top of my dog,

and I was, like, so mad at myself at first.
And then I was, like, wait.

Wait a second.

Does anything go
on top of the mouse?

Yeah.

A little hat. Yeah.
Oh, that's cute.

What's the mouse's name?

You know, it really doesn't
make sense to name the mice.

They're kind of like
cannon fodder, you know?

You're not one of those
PETA guys, are you?

Well...
Oh, great.

Wait, wait.
How are we doing this?

Well, I'll grab the forelegs,
and you push his hindquarters.

Just say arms and legs,
okay? That's just...

That's the vernacular
that I'm comfortable with.

Fine. Let's go.

Hoist his shank!
On three!

What's a shank?
It's by the tenderloin.

Roll him. Roll him.
Okay, good, good.

Okay, careful.
He's slouching. Okay.

Can you slouch him
into the seat?

Here, go around,
get the seatbelt.

All right.

Got it?
Yeah.

Y9K)-

Get in the back.

What?
Get in the back.

Oh, come on!
Get in.

Damn it.

Okay, Stanley, do you understand
what we're about to do?

Hello.

Okay.
There's nobody there.

Hey, listen, listen.

We are going to go
discuss paper contracts

for City of Lackawanna
Public Schools, okay?

Pigeons. Oh, God. This is bad.

Looks like
we've got no choice.

You, my friend, are going to
have to be Stanley Hudson.

Isn't the client, like, best
friends with his sister?

New plan, okay?

We get him a cup of coffee and
we go back to the old plan.

Let's go.
Give me a hand.

Here we go!
Come on, Stanley!

Here we go! Upsie-doozy, there we go.
Okay, all right.

Come on, big guy.
You can walk, right?

Yeah, what a pretty smile.
Let's go.

I'm sure Athlead
will be a huge success,

but I don't want him
to do it anymore,

and I don't want
to give him an ultimatum,

but I am not moving
our family to Philly.

Well, if Pam says she won't go,

then we're going to need a
lot more than counseling.

That was exhausting.

Blah, blah, blah.

Jim.

Well, they deserve each other.
They do.

That they do. That they do.
That is for sure.

And for your... Oh! Whoopsie daisy!
There.

Stanley,
what is going on here?

He's fine. He gets
carsick really easily.

The drive.
It was a long drive.

He was in the back seat.

But right now, we're talking to Mrs.
Davis

about the full range of the
products that we offer,

and our competitive rates.
Right, Stanley?

Ooh!
Look at that baby!

Stanley.

Oh...

That's Benji
in the middle.

That's Benji.
Oh, he's precious.

That's a healthy
looking baby.

A very special little boy.

Mmm...

Look at him! I've never seen
such a beautiful child!

He has a funny
sense of humor.

If you push his nose,
he'll go, llEee-ll

Like this? Watch... Eee!

Like that.

A beautiful family.

Right? Come on!

Come on! DWIGHT: Yeah? Maybe
I'll never be manager.

But I just managed to get
our most stubborn salesman

to close a sale with one
of our biggest clients.

And I must say, it's the most
pleasant I've ever seen Stanley.

I think we should
consider injecting him

with bull tranquilizer
on a daily basis.

So, what can you do?

Well, what can't I do, right?

I can sing,
I can dance,

I can play the banjo, innit?

And if you hadn't noticed, I got
a pretty good British accent.

Can you drive a car?

At the risk of sounding arrogant,
I did drive myself here.

Why do you have a high school
musical here on your resume?

What are you,
like, 40, 45?

My exact age
is 28 to 34,

so basically
just send me out

on whatever Jake
Gyllenhaal's going out on.

Gyllenhaal, got it.
Can you juggle and crap?

Yes, and yes.

Would you dress up as say,
a birthday clown,

and go to a kid's party and
let them throw pies atyou?

Whereas that is not why I
have entered show business,

I do understand that you
have to build credibility.

I'm all for it.

Well, Mr. Bernard,
I'll be honest with you.

Well, at least I tried.
Thank you very much.

Oh. No. We're going to
take you on as a client.

You are?

Yes! Yes!

Are you being
for real right now?

Oh, man.

Ah. Yes!

I need this so bad.

I really think this
is what could fix me.

We are extremely excited to
be working with you too, sir.

Pay Todd on your way out.

Most talent agents take 10%
of whatever jobs they get you.

But with Carla, you pay a
flat rate of $5,000 up front.

And that includes headshots.

Oh, it doesn't
include headshots.

Itdoesn%
include headshots.

Well, of course not, because
that would be insane if it did.

I'm still getting
a bargain, though.

So I just smiled and
complimented her grandkids

and we closed it?

You earned yourself
a nice, fat commission

and you didn't
even know it.

I'll go tell Andy
the good news.

Oh, silly me.

Got to take the stairs. Oh, no.
I'm not doing that again.

You got me down, you
got to get me back up.

No, no.

We need a winch
and a hoist.