All language subtitles for The.Office.US.S09E16.Moving.On.720p.BluRay.2CH.x265.HEVC-PSA

No. You lied to me,
Andy!

You pretended to be in this
office for three months,

and you were
sailing on your boat!

I resent that.

I never lied to you.

Really? "Hey, David.
All is good in Scranton, PA."

And all was good in
Scranton, PA, that day.

"By the way,
Oscar says hi."

Oscar says hi
all the time.

He says all kinds of greetings...
Hi, hello, hola.

You're telling me you've
never heard Oscar say hi?

Andy...
You're calling me a liar?

Andy...
By the way, that reminds me.

I want to ask you about some of the
lies you've been telling me lately.

Watch it, Andy.

Oh, here we go.
January 7, 2013.

"Hey, Andy, all's well.
Been meaning

"to make it down there,
but my wife's sick."

Well, which is it?

Is all well,
or is your wife sick?

Busted!
My wife?

This has been a really tough time.
Yeah?

Yeah.
Has it?

Erin just dumped me,

and I can't remember any of the
"aha" moments I had on the boat,

and I know it sounds weird to
say, but I really miss my beard.

Shh. It was like a
security blanket.

Andy... Shh.

I'm not gonna fire you.

You're not?

No.
That's awesome.

I wouldn't own the company
if it wasn't for you.

So I owe you that.

David,
I'll be there for you.

These five words
I swear to you.

When you breathe, I want
to be the air for you.

I'll be there for you.

That's a poem by JB Jovi.

I want you to have it.

We are even now.
Understand?

Got it?
Crystal.

And you are on very...

Hey. Very thin ice.

Vanilla.

Vanilla Ice.
He was a band.

Good morning.
Good morning.

And how are you
on this fine...

Okay.

We ready?

Don't use that part.

Last week, Erin told me that our
relationship will be proceeding without me.

Now I have to see
her every day at work,

which is brutal.

When people say office
relationships are a good idea,

they never talk about what
might happen if you break up.

He sounds like
a wounded animal.

Should have put him out of
his misery and just fired him.

I can't be around sad people.
It makes me sad.

I'm the same way
with horny people.

Okay-

Yes, Pete and I have
started seeing each other,

and Andy still doesn't know.

We thought that keeping it secret
was more considerate to him.

And hot for us.

I mean, I saw Pete's butt.

It's sick.

Oh. That's mine.

I'll just... I'll get it out
of the way for you.

Jim set up a job interview
for me today in Philly.

It's with a real estate company,
which is a great fit for me,

because I live in a house
and I know what a bathroom is.

I'm sorry.
lam just very nervous,

because, honestly, this is
all moving a lot faster

than I expected, and because my
resume can fit on a Post-it note.

No, don't just let her eat the grass.
She'll puke it right up.

Okay, just put out two bowls and
see which feed she prefers.

I'm sorry to be taking up so much
of your precious time, Mose,

but she's your aunt, too.

Fine. I'll see what I can do.

I need you.

Dwight.

And you should take
breaks more often.

I've been waiting
there for 45 minutes.

What? What is it?

It's my Aunt Shirley.
She's on her last legs.

Dwight, that's awful.
You have no idea.

I mean, her hair, her clothes,
it's all falling off

in great, big clumps.

And we need someone to
go out there and clean her up.

We had a nurse,
but she quit, because

she was
"poisoned" by Aunt Shirley.

What do you
mean by "poisoned"?

Probably nothing.
Or strychnine.

Or lemonade and strychnine,
which is actually what it was.

Okay, well, I'm very
sorry about your aunt.

Thank you.

But I don't see how
this is my problem.

Angela, you owe me one.
Remember?

Now, please.

She's an old woman, Angela.
She needs a woman's touch.

It's all hanging out.

And there's parts of her
I don't even recognize.

There's this one
hanging part in particular

that's some sort of flap.

It's fine.

It's like a prehensile
wing or something.

I don't know.

Oh, God. All right.

I can't... Okay.

I'll help you.

There's a divot where it was,

and it needs...
Uh!

Where are you going?

Noton
a three-month boat trip.

Oh, burn.

Uh, excuse me, what, everyone can
just leave whenever they want now?

How dare you?

I'm still the boss.

Hi.
The answer is yes.

I have some messages for you.

Are they from you?

Well,
no, they're from clients.

Well, then, I don't want them.

You can keep them.

In fact you can keep that
big, blue Nautica sweater.

I know how much you love it...
I can't.

No, I insist upon it.
It's an awesome sweater.

Some great memories
tied up in that thing.

These are messages from clients
who want to buy paper.

I don't want to talk
about work right now.

Well, I only want to
talk about work right now.

Then I want my big
blue sweater back.

Well, I gave it to
the Salvation Army.

I've got this seat
adjusted just right.

Perfect. Yeah.

She got rid of it.

My blue sweater.

What is that about?

I was just leaving.
Stay.

We are in the brozone layer.

Okay, Nard Dog,
Plop and Clarker Posey,

aka Clarkwork Orange.

Here's the sitch.
Erin dumped me, natch,

but she got rid of my blue
sweater, which was her favorite.

Is she moving on a little fast,
or am I being a total psycho?

Plop, you go first.

I don't know. Women do tend to
move on quicker than men.

Survey says...

Doesn't make me
feel better at all.

Zero Clark Thirty,
what do you got?

Well, look at it this way. Being
a bachelor is not all bad.

I mean,
you got your freedom now.

Last night I
ordered a pizza by myself,

and I ate it over
the sink like a rat.

There you go. Good for you.

No.

You're just letting it all hang out.
That's what...

it may not seem like it,
but this really helped.

- So thank you.
- Cool.

I'll give you $100 to wear
that sweater to work tomorrow.

Aunt Shirley,
hello, it's me, Dwight.

Oh, looky here.
It's big city Dwight.

Careful you don't
get mud on those

fancy town shoes,
big city Dwight.

Hello, Aunt Shirley.

Who's this
little kitchen witch?

She's so tiny,
like a little kitchen witch.

This is Angela, and we brought
you some new clothes.

New clothes? What for?

Dear God. Okay.
Oh, my God.

You know what, before you
put the new clothes on,

Angela's gonna get you
cleaned up a little bit.

Yes. How would you
like a nice, warm bath?

How would you like a
mean, cold slap? Ow!

Okay, Aunt Shirley, dear,

can I get you a nice
crisp liter of schnapps?

I could do that.
Okay.

No. No.
Yeah, trust me.

No.
It keeps her docile.

Go to the kitchen, get the
largest receptacle you can find.

Step on it.

Why doesn't Erin seem sad?

Has she found
someone new or something?

And, if so,
why hasn't she told me?

Is she trying to
spare my feelings?

During breakups, the mind goes
to some crazy dark places.

Andy, don't.

No good can
come from snooping.

I'm not snooping. There's
just some crud on her screen.

- You're clearly snooping.
- That's kind of uncool, man.

Oh, come on.
That's her private property.

Hello?

Who's snooping on who now?

What does that even mean?

Everyone, just please...

Put it down.

Come on, Andy.
Put it down.

That's her
private property.

Oh, my God.

See?

That's what nosy'll get you.

Told you so.

Darryl, Clark, Kevin,
Toby, Plop, take a knee.

All right, you guys are gonna
think I'm psycho again.

Couldn't shake this feeling

that Erin's dating someone,
so I looked at her phone.

Man,
you can't do that stuff.

You'll only find pain.

When my ex-wife got into my e-mail
account, she was devastated.

Too late.

I found out she's been texting
a guy named Pete.

Does anybody know a Pete?

Pete. Hmm.

Pete what?

It just occurred
to me that Andy

has been calling
me Plop for so long

he forgot my real name.

Which is Pete.

Hello.

Hey. There she is.

How you doing?
Hi.

Hey, do I look okay?
You look great.

Okay.
Yeah.

What's that? Is that a...

Okay, I know where you're going with
this, and this is who I am now.

I'm a douche. But look what
I can do with my hands.

Gotta go. VIP just
walked through the door.

How are you, Isaac? You
have something in your ear.

It's a phone.

Yes, it is,
and thank you so much

for setting up
this opportunity.

I really appreciate it.

Of course.
Anything for team Halpert.

You're gonna crush it, Pam.

Thanks.

You are gonna crush it.

Wow, I missed you.

Wait, are you saying that into the
phone or are you saying that to me?

Call you right back.
What were you saying?

Ha ha.

Hey, Jim.

We got Trent
Edwards on the line.

L gotta go.

But, you know what,
team Halpert, okay?

You're gonna crush it.
You're gonna smash it.

Okay. Good luck.

Bye.

God, she drank so much.

And so quickly.

In her prime, Shirls could
put away homemade schnapps

morning, noon and night.

Now all it takes
is half a liter.

She's dreaming. All right.

Let's get her out to the yard
so you can spray her down.

Spray her down?
No.

It's a lot
better than it sounds.

There's a private shower area,
very tasteful and very rustic.

Hey-

Come on in. Have a seat.

Thanks for coming in. I just got
to get something off my chest.

I just got some
really weird news,

and I'm just gonna
come out and say it.

I just got off
the phone with my doctor,

and turns out I contracted
chlamydia from Erin.

And it's incurable.

Pretty lame, huh?

Yeah.

You were gone...

I knew it!

...for a long time, Andy.

You and Erin are...

Fu...

Andy, just so you know,
there was no overlap.

No overlap? Great.
Good. Wow.

This is suddenly so easy.

Guess what? You're fired.

What?

Yeah. You are fired.

One of the perks
of being boss.

I can fire anyone who
steals my girlfriend.

And, wow, that turns
out to be you.

Yup, sorry.

So you had a bad day

The camera don't lie

Andy. I'm trying to...

You're a big idiot
Get out of my office

Turns out you're fired
because you suck

And you're fired

If you want to talk to me, I'll
be in the annex, all right?

I'm gonna be in the annex.

Toby.

Toby.

You can't fire Pete.
You understand why, right?

No.

Andy, we had this
exact same conversation

when you wanted to
get rid of Nellie.

You can't just get rid
of people over grudges.

Nellie was
a professional grudge.

This is a purely
personal grudge.

All right, well, look,
while I have you,

this is a relationship disclosure
form for Pete and Erin.

They already have a contract?

"Mutually agree to..."

Every phrase is like
a dagger in my crotch.

It's just boilerplate.
You don't have to read it.

Well, I'm not
signing away my rights.

I already signed it.
I was just showing you.

Okay,
well, we'll see about that.

Andy, that's not
the original.

And destroying it will not
stop them from dating.

It's the original.

If they're
talking ChesterAvenue

Talking triplex

Talking converting...

Is that her? Hey, guys.

Say something. I said...
Hello.

Hi, I'm Mark.

Hi. Pam. Hello.

I'm the horrible
boss around here,

but please don't hire
Jamie Foxx to kill me.

Dlango!

I don't agree with the use
of the N word in that movie.

It's too soon.

I'm Pam Halpert.
Oh. Hi.

They call me Marky
Mark around here,

because here at Simon Realty,
we are one funky bunch.

Come on, you guys. Raise
the roof when I say that.

What are you,
all temps again today?

Let's go, Gangnam-style.

He's heard Gangnam Style.
He knows it.

Right? That's 'cause
he's American.

This is Carl.
Hi.

He's from here. He's from
our neck of the woods.

But Gangnam Style
is great, isn't it?

Oh, my God.
He's Michael Scott.

Time to get clean.

It's hosing time,
Aunt Shirley.

Have a seat. You're
gonna have a hard time

hearing her over
the roar of the hose.

We have to do chains?
Oh, you'll see.

Here we go.
Get this show on the road.

Let's do it. Ready?

Here's a box cutter
to get her clothes off.

Dwight!
Let's get to it.

Give it a whirl.
No. No.

Dwight, I'm not gonna hose your
aunt down like some animal.

Stop your bellyaching
and hose me.

I need you to hose my aunt.

No, Dwight.
Okay, you are useless.

No, no.
Give me the hose.

Dwight, I won't do it.

I'm gonna give your aunt a proper
bath and a haircut like a lady.

And you two are
gonna shut up about it.

Do you have a bathtub?

Yes, ma'am.
Good.

This is not so much
an office

as it is a rec room with
a bunch of computers in it.

And, frankly,
if I had my way,

I'd toss the computers
in the garbage,

but unfortunately we use them for
practically everything we do, so...

That ain't gonna happen.

He's a temp.
Don't worry about him.

Alice!

All right.
Stay awake, okay?

Hey, Nellie.

I am so sick of February.

It's the shortest month, but
it sure doesn't feel that way.

We should catch up.

You know, I've been going
over my notes from the trial.

Oh, no, Toby, no.
No, no, no.

I feel like I might have glossed
over a few minor points.

No, Toby, you cannot keep blathering
on about this Scranton Strangler.

Do something about it. Get it out
of your system, whatever it takes.

I've been drafting a letter.

For two years!

Then what? Another year
picking out a stamp?

Another six months before you
decide to lick it? Just...

I don't want to hear it.

My Aunt Joan.

Oh, well, she worked
here before I did,

so there's no nepotism involved.
In fact,

to be honest with you, I'm
probably a little harder on her

than I am on
the rest of these people.

Can you not work on this?

Work on this month's.
Okay, Nana?

When I say, "Chillax," people chillax.
Watch this.

Hey, Roger, chillax.

He must not have heard me.

No. I heard you.

Step this way for
the Spanish Inquisition.

Kids in the Hall.

Uh, just...
It's not high pressure.

It's just
a little coffee talk.

Okay? Like butter.

Come on in here.
Mike Myers.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Really appreciate it.

You guys were supposed
to have my back, okay?

Instead, you let a guy named
Plop steal my girlfriend.

Hey, boss,
I did everything I could.

I invited Pete out for drinks. I
e-mailed him shots of myjunk.

Ugh!

Kid doesn't have a
romantic bone in his body.

Come on, Andy.
They're a good match.

That doesn't matter, okay?

What matters is
that I am hurt.

Deep hurt inside of me.

I don't care if they're Romeo
and freaking Juliet.

I feel like the guy that
Juliet dated before Romeo.

Probably her boss.

And guess what? Juliet's
boss also had feelings.

Hey, Andy.

What?

You got a booger
bubble going on there.

Sorry.

It's okay.

My whole life is
a booger bubble.

This is a tiny resume.

Papa Smurf.

Come back to the mushroom.

It's from The Smurfs movie.

Yeah.

I've seen that with my kids.
It is tiny.

But I've actually
been commissioned

by the city of
Scranton to paint a mural...

What does this
say here?

What language is this?

Swahili? Oh, wait a second.

Now I can read it.

Oh. 'Cause it was upside-down.

You're a good audience.

So, uh...

Unlike some of these
people around here.

Yeah. The city
commissioned me to do...

Yeah, we don't have a lot of
call for doodling around here.

But I like this resume,
and here's why.

It shows that
you stick around.

Yeah, you don'tjump ship easily
like a lot of these people.

I mean, they worship me, you
know, but do they like me?

I mean, do you
think they like me, Pam?

Yes.

What if Bob
Dylan was your boss?

I'm gonna do Dylan.

Pam Halpert is my name

I've been at
Dunder Mifflin for...

Seven years? Eight years.

Eight years, man

Got the Dunder Mifflin blues

Got the Pam Halpert blues

Got Pratt...
Went to Pratt Institute

You have children?

Two children, yes.

And you do art
and painting?

Kind of the same thing.

Kind of the same thing

Sometimes I repeat myself

But that's just being Pam

Well, I'm kind of cute

And I'm...
But I'm married, so...

Leave that be

Hey. You got
a sec to talk?

Kind of painful to
chat with you, Pete,

ever since the ol' one-two
punch to my scrotum pole,

translation, penis,
translation, my manhood.

Yeah, look...

I understand
breakups are tough.

You know, it happens to all
of us at some point in life.

But you gotta move on.

Great advice.

Thank you.
You can leave now.

Listen to him, Andy.

He's trying to tell you something
that you really need to hear.

Awesome perspective.
Thanks for butting in.

Well, I've been
where you are now.

I dated this girl Alice,
and it was an ugly breakup.

She worked at a marketing
agency right next to my house.

I'd run into her every day, but I
had to grow up and deal with it,

and I did.

We're even
Facebook friends now.

See?

We can all be friends.

Yeah.

Just get over it.
It doesn't have to be awkward.

I do think we
can have a fair...

Yeah,
so life gives you lemons,

you just gotta eat 'em,
rinds and all.

And, if you don't want to
eat 'em, your ex-girlfriend

will shove them
down your throat

with the help of her
hunky new boyfriend.

So that's fun.

Nothing to see here.

Boss at work.

This will be your desk,
right up front.

Best seat on
the roller coaster.

You must be this
tall to ride this ride.

No pregnant women allowed.

Are you? I'm not
allowed to ask, so...

I am not...
You're not pregnant.

I didn't ask her
if she was pregnant.

She just offered it.

The last three girls
here all got pregnant.

Wow.

Don't be afraid.

It's a different chair.

I don't want a guy up here.

I want to, you know, see a woman
come in and do a great job.

Something I have to
look out this window...

I'm sorry,
I thought this job was

for the position
of office manager.

It is. Yeah.

You'd manage this office.

You'd answer the phones
and forward the calls,

and, you know, go for a
coffee run now and again.

So kind of like
a receptionist.

Yeah. Like a receptionist,

but we call you the office manager,
because it's less demeaning.

By the way, how long are these cameras
gonna be following you around?

Because I think
this is pretty cool.

Pretty, pretty cool.

Larry David,
Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Do you like that show?
Yes.

Well, I think they indulge
themselves a little too much.

I like scripted.

I spent 10 years as a
receptionist to Michael Scott.

And I have kids now.

And I just... I can't.

Ow!

The braid is
too tight.

Oh, hush.

Loose braids reflect
a loose character.

Now stay still.

Yes, ma'am.

I think your hair is much too
long for your age, by the way.

Okay.
There.

Thank you, Angela.

I'm going to
the prison this afternoon

to go and talk
to the Strangler.

Probably best to use his real
name rather than Strangler.

Don't use
his real name.

George Howard
Skub?

That's a devil name.

Anyway, I just wanted to say
I'm doing it. I'm going.

He's doing it.

Hey.
Hey, how'd the interview go?

Oh, my gosh.
Wait until I tell you.

This guy was unbelievable.

Okay, so...

I can't wait to
hear about it later.

Do you want to
come in at 8:00?

And don't eat,
because I'm ordering in.

8:00? Really?

I'll make it worth
your while, I promise.

Sure. I mean, it's Philly.
I can kill four hours.

So,
yeah, I'll see you at 8:00.

All right. Love you.
Love you.

Hi.
Hi.

I'm here from B.C.l. Marketing
Consultants to meet with Andrew Bernard.

Oh, yes, the consultant.

Andy said you can
start right away.

So I will take
you to your desk.

Okay, great. Thanks.

Fresh meat.
Fresh meat!

Just keep walking. Don't give her anything.
She'll take it and run.

I'm Erin, by the way.
Nice to meet you.

Cute sweater.
Oh, thanks.

Your shoes match.
I'm bad at small talk.

I'm Kevin.

Pete?

Alice.

Oh, man.

It's, uh, been awhile, huh?

Oh, do you two
know each other?

Yeah. We, uh, have a history.

Oh.

History. Wow. Okay.

We dated for two years.

That's so random.

Well, is it?

Andy also hired a management
consultant today.

Oh, no.

Hey, Erin, look who's back.
The Birdman.

Hello, beautiful.

Didn't you two
used to do it?

We absolutely did. Thank
you for remembering that.

She's looking good.

Hi. I'm Toby Flenderson. I'm
here to see George Howard Skub.

This is the prison.

I am not going in there
with expectations, per se.

I will meet
George Howard Skub.

I will tell him that I
believe he is innocent.

I would understand if he
felt motivated to hug me.

I would understand
if a friendship began.

How did Bogart put it?

I think this is
the start of my first friendship.

So Pete was a librarian?

He worked as
a librarian freshman year.

Was he,
like, the sexy librarian?

Okay-

ls there somebody who's
in charge of marketing?

Maybe I should
sit near him or her.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi, how's it going?

Hi. Good.

Pdloveto discuss strategy with
you if you have a marketing...

Wow, this sure is intense.

Having to share a workspace with
someone you used to get it on with.

Andy, that is really
inappropriate.

Awkward!
It is awkward.

This is a really uncomfortable
situation that you've contrived.

Really
uncomfortable situation.

Yeah. This...

That's all right, Pete.
You can handle it.

I mean, we all just
gotta move on.

Ain't that right,
Professor Lecture-much?

Uh, question.
How's that medicine taste?

Your own-flavored?

Is it just me,
or have these tables turned?

Hmm.

Hmm.

So there's no
marketing department?

No.
No.

You know, times were tough.

I was unemployed. I was
still heartbroken over you.

I've lost a good 50 pounds.

But as you can see I put
all that weight right back on.

Feel how fat my buttocks are.

Yeah. It's crazy.

Touch it.
It's like a warm pumpkin.

So Andyjust called
you up out of the blue?

Yeah.

He told me you two broke up.

Yeah.

You must be pretty horny.

Well, the good news
is, no more guilty conscience.

At least you know
he is the Strangler.

The proof is in the grip.

Did they say when
the vocal cords would heal?

One week?

Okay. Two weeks?

Okay-

You offered your neck
in search of the truth.

"The proud neck of justice,"
isn't that the expression?

Well, anyway, itwas...
it was very brave.

It really was quite brave.

I feel like a show pony.

And you look like one, too.
Thank you, Angela.

You're welcome.
Would you like some stew?

By all means. And I will
carve the roast skunk.

Angela.

Would you like
the stink sack?

Is it any good?
No.

You don't eat it.
It's a toy, like a wishbone.

You know, prettiest
girl gets the stink sack.

Thank you.

So when's the wedding?

Um, actually,
we are just friends.

That's what Mose said
about his lady scarecrow,

and look what he did
to that poor thing.

Hello?

Hey. Back here.

Wow. Seriously?

Oh, my gosh.
Is that champagne?

Si, sefior.

Oh.

Jim, I should have told you
I didn't get the job.

Oh, man. I'm so sorry.
Are you all right?

Oh. Yeah. I'm more than all right.
There's just nothing to celebrate.

Are you kidding? You're in Philly.
We're having dinner together.

And this is just
consolation champagne.

It's from the part of France that
immediately gave up to the Nazis.

Here.

You're very
quick on your feet.

I remember you. Funny.

All right. So...

Tell me all about it.

Okay. Well, gosh, thank you
for your help today.

Your perspective was
very useful. Thank you.

It was not an unpleasant way
to spend an afternoon.

Dwight, Dwight.
Right.

Not outside. The horseflies.

You know what, my farm is only
a few acres east of here.

Or we could use
the slaughterhouse.

No, Dwight, the Senator.

Leave him. He probably won't
even notice that you're gone.

Be with me, monkey.

I can't be your monkey,
Dwight.

I'm not talking about some
frisky romp in the warehouse.

We have wasted too much
of our lives ignoring the fact

that we belong together.

The 80 or 90 years that
I have left of this life

I want to spend with you.

I made a vow.
I gave my word.

Stand by your man.

It's what I would
want if you were mine.

Good night, D.

How are you doing?
Is it really rough?

It is so unpleasant.

You?
Hey, love turds.

Conference room now.

Thank you all for coming in.
Just wanted to check in.

How was everyone's day?

Honestly,
it was a little weird.

Really?

Hmm. That's interesting,
because Erin and Pete

thought it
wouldn't be weird at all.

Why do you think
it was weird, Gabe?

Maybe because you and Erin
used to be an item?

I still wear Erin's button-downs
around the condo sometimes,

so it feels to me like we're
still in a relationship...

Gabe.
...a lot of the time.

And, Alice, I understand
you once dumped Pete. Ouch.

It was
an amicable breakup, Andy.

Okay, while we're
rewriting history,

you never had
a drinking problem.

It was college.
That is what you do.

Dude, you're also supposed to
go to classes, so there's that.

Hey, Andy,
is this at all work-related?

We'll get to that. Gabe, did Erin
ever tell you that she loves you?

Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

She wouldn't
even let me say it.

It was adorable. She'd plug her
ears and scream her heart out.

Gabe, can you stop talking?

Because every word
out of your mouth

is like the squawk
of an ugly pelican.

I got a tattoo for you.

I didn't ask you to
get that Nike swoosh.

Nobody did.
You did that for you.

Just do it.

You were the "it"
that I was just doing.

So you're dating
a secretary now?

Moving up in the world, Pete.

She's nice to me.

How's that P.E. degree coming?

That's what he wanted to be.

His dream in college
was to be a gym teacher.

Well, guess what, he could
still be a gym teacher.

In fact, we could all
still be gym teachers.

So let's...
I technically cannot.

I don't have the lung capacity
to blow a whistle.

Oh, my God.

What kind of music
are you into, Peter?

Uh...

I like all kinds
of music, Gabe.

Really? All kinds?

So you like
songs of hate written

by the white knights
of the Ku Klux Klan?

No! Erin, are you
even hearing this?

Gabe, he didn't even say that.

He's not a very
sophisticated man.

I mean,
he can't use chopsticks,

so do I need to
say anything else?

Erin, I've been
to Japan.

I know how to use
chopsticks so well.

Come back.

One night. Give me
one night with you.

What is that
supposed to be?

I have shaved everything.
I don't want you to shave...

I wasted two years of my life on you.
You realize that, right?

I just want to be real clear that
chopsticks is not the measure of a man.

I am as smooth as
a porpoise for you.

Why didn't you say
at the beginning,

"This isn't really
going that well"?

Shovel his sashimi
into his mouth as a sport.

All right, all right, yes,
that is a legitimate question.

Does making Erin and Pete
feel bad make me feel better?

Yeah. Yeah.

It does.

So imagine,
like, the real estate version

of Michael Scott,
and that was this guy.

He did half
the interview as Ace Ventura.

Tell me about the cologne.
How much?

Oh, entire bottle at least.

You're definitely
hoarding this, by the way.

Guess what poster
he had on his wall?

Austin Powers.
Mmm-mmm.

Ferris Bueller.
Mmm-mmm.

You're getting colder.

Not Night at the Roxbury.
No.

The Odd Life of Timothy Green.

I'm sorry. How did you think
I was expected to guess that?

I don't know.
But it's interesting, right?

It's fascinating.

He said he can't
help but tear up

when he looks at it, and
it's right next to his desk.

He must look at it,
like, 20 times a day.

That's amazing.

Well, listen,
you can't win 'em all, right?

So the next
interview has to be better.

I don't know.

What do you mean?

Of course it will.
You're amazing.

I know. It's just, even if it was
a great boss and a great job,

I just... I don't...
I don't know if I...

If I want to...
I don't know if I want this.

Huh.

This is a little
out of left field.

Is it?

I just...
I liked our life in Scranton.

And I have started a business in
Philadelphia.

Little did my
grandfather know,

mahjong would be here to stay.

Hobbies of the east
continues in a moment.

You could all be doing this.

Just saying.

I watch way too many ads online,
and I don't do enough sit-ups.

So I bought these.

Now every time
an ad pops up online,

I get 30 seconds
of ab-blasting.

I call it ads for abs.

Ironically, I learned about
the boots from an ad online.

Why can't you just
do regular sit-ups?

I'll tell you why.

Because

the floor

is

disgusting.

Yeah. My trainer said,

"Everybody fails working out."

That's how you win.

Okay. All right.

Okay.
Kevin, a little help, buddy.

Oh.

Why don't your famous
stomachs help you now?

Can someone please help me?

Ow. These teas are hot.
Can someone help me, please?

Thanks.

- Okay.
- Just...

Just“

People,
I'm not going anywhere.

Soon my core will
get strong again,

and, when that happens,
I'll be able...

Head rush!

Ah!

Can someone please help me?

I... Hey.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'll be right here.

Oh, that's not good.

Hey, guys, I've got 20 bucks
for anyone who will help me.

Kevin, would you like a pizza?