All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S07E05 - Gryzzlbox (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Forget it.
It's impossible.

It's not gonna work in a million years.
It's pointless. I give up.

Good attitude, honey.

Well, you know,
what do you want from me?

I'm trying to get a group of
people to give me their land

rather than sell it to
Gryzzl for $90 million.

Right now, my basic argument is,

"Please give us the land.
It would be so nice."

Gryzzl has billions of dollars.
There's no way I beat them.

Hey. I've seen you beat
tougher odds than this.

They're just a company.
They're not that powerful.

Whoa! "Open your door?"

Ah!

Oh, my God!
Ben, we're about to die!

Good lord.
Oh, my...

The robots have come for us.

I made fun of you when
you said it would happen

but your novel has come true.

Hey, Leslie Knope.

Please enjoy this free
gift, courtesy of Gryzzl.

Okay, so, they also have

a squadron of flying robots
giving presents to everyone.

Later!

We're screwed.

Ripped By mstoll

Mmm...

New dish we're working on,
tell me what you think.

It's a red and white
heirloom red bean pasta,

with an imported
Tuscan walnut herb sauce

infused with shaved heritage
Pecorino Romano. What, you're done?

Mmm. Really good. Why are
you doing new dishes?

Lucy is visiting her
boyfriend, Conrad, in Chicago.

So I'm just trying to
distract myself with work

so I don't think
about the marathon

bone sex they're
probably having.

Hey, you know what, dude, you
gotta take your mind off them.

Check this out.

It's a contract.

It came from the station manager

where I do my show,
Johnny Karate.

He wants me to sign it,
but it says that

they'll own the
character Johnny Karate.

And I want to own the character
Johnny Karate, 'cause it's me.

Wait, this says they only
pay you 100 bucks a week?

Yeah, but all I really do
is goof around all day,

write, produce
and direct a TV show.

Plus, I act in it, I do
sets, props, wardrobe.

At the end I drive
everybody home.

So, I mean, 100 bucks a
week, that's pretty fair.

This is perfect.
I'll be your agent.

I'll put all my energy into
renegotiating your contract.

I won't even think
about Lucy and Conrad

and his stupid crunches
that he probably does.

I should probably
do some crunches.

Let's go.

Andy, my tum-tum!

Knope, I need to talk to you.
What's up?

I know I technically
work for Gryzzl,

but these fools
have crossed a line.

Have you gotten one
of these Gryzzl boxes?

Well, yeah, but
I haven't opened it yet.

Planning on sending it back after
I wrote a sternly worded letter

about how I cannot be
bought with free gifts.

These are my free gifts.

Two honey bears and a
canister of sugar plums.

Honeybear and Sugar Plum are the special
names Joe and I call each other.

Aww!

Yeah, we're adorable,
but this is creepy.

Because we only call each other these
things on the phone or in texts.

How do they even know?

Leslie, open that
box they sent you.

Ooh!

Joe Biden's book,
Biden the Rails,

1,001 Poems
Inspired by My Travels

through Amtrak's
Northeast Corridor.

A thousand?

A poster of the Supreme Court Justices
sipping the Friends milkshake!

This stuff is perfect for me.

Yeah, exactly.
They must be data-mining.

Searching our texts and emails and
gathering profiles on all of us.

This is a huge invasion of
privacy, not to mention illegal.

When they installed
their free Wi-Fi in town,

I made sure that there was
language preventing this.

I never would have
agreed to work with them

if I had known they were
gonna be snoopin' in my biz.

Gryzzl is going down.

You wanna put me on blast, I'm
gonna put you on front street.

I don't understand
what that means

but I think I get
the context and I love it!

April, the new Parks
interns start today,

and I was wondering if you would

deliver a little welcome speech.

No. Go away.

Watermelon martinis, exposed
brick, Keri Russell's hair.

Why did you just say
those weird things?

On the advice of my therapist, Dr.
Richard Nygard,

whenever I feel like yelling,
I just take a deep breath

and say three great
things about being alive.

Gross. Please talk
to my interns.

Fine. Whatever.
I'll do it.

I started here when I was 20, and
now I'm old and gross and directionless.

Those kids are me 10 years ago,

and this internship is the
videotape from The Ring.

It's too late for me, I've seen too
much, but maybe I can save them.

You're all gonna die in here!

Hello, everyone. We are here
today to discuss Gryzzl

and whether or not
they are invading our privacy.

They sent my husband

three boxes of genital
cream to his office.

My husband's splotchy genitals
are no one's business

except for his, mine, and
his many genital doctors.

They sent me a bunch of toy
pigs dressed like movie stars.

That's my private hobby.

No one knows I collect toy
pigs dressed like movie stars.

Except now all of you people.

Which one is that?

This is actually Hamuel L. Jackson
from the movie Pork Fiction.

It's extremely rare,
and I am keeping it.

But still, they have no right

to give me something I will
treasure the rest of my life.

I opened my box in
front of all my friends

and it was a bunch of
Virginia Woolf novels.

Now Miley and Haley
know I like to read!

What if they tell Evan?

I like their phones,
but they've gone too far,

sending this
stuff to our houses.

Gryzzl has no right to
search our private data.

So, wait. You guys are
not against us on this?

We're not against you on this.

We're not
against you on this!

We're not against you on this!

Finally, after months of searching
for a way to defeat Gryzzl,

we have found
its Achilles' heel.

The town is behind us.
Donna is on our side.

And the next domino to fall?

Ron Swanson.

Actually, this is Tom Sell-oink,
but, you know, close enough.

Actually, I'm gonna
need that back.

Oh, yes, of course.

February 2016.

I think you're gonna really
enjoy this month's photo album.

It includes such hits
as first trip to the dentist,

Sonia tries pizza, and waterpark
vomit chain reaction.

Why would you take
pictures of that?

Why would you not?

As you requested,
here is a picture of my son,

at a recent moment in his life.

So cute...

What are you doing?

Protecting my son's privacy.

What, I'm just gonna carry
around pictures of my child,

where anyone could see them?

Well, it's funny you should mention
privacy, because that's our next topic.

Ron technically
works for Gryzzl,

and when he finds out what Gryzzl is
doing, he is going to lose his mind.

I have no reaction to this.

What?

I do not pass judgment on the
workings of private businesses,

I just build their buildings.

And frankly, if people are foolish
enough to carry around a doodad

that lets Gryzzl track their every
move, this is what they get.

But it's illegal.

I don't believe that's true.

I've spent a fair amount of time

with Gryzzl's
high-priced lawyers,

and they do seem to, as
they say, "Keep it 100."

Well, those fools still
think I work for them.

So, I can get you a private
VIP tour of the building,

maybe you can snoop around.

Hey there, homies, I'm Roscoe.
Psyched to give you guys a tour.

Yes, hello.
I'm Darlene Johannsen,

and this is my assistant-turned-lover,
Gregory Strong.

Ours is a new romance,

but one that sent shockwaves
through my architecture firm.

But it feels so right.
Steady.

We love Gryzzl and we would
love to see how it all works.

Sweet. Let's get loco.

Okay, so, let's get
to know each other.

Talk about why you're here,

whether you're throwing your
lives away, stuff like that.

You, what brought you here?

I love the Parks Department.

I grew up near Ramsett Park and I
used to go to tons of stuff there.

Okay. That
doesn't help me.

Mork?
Oh, It's Mike.

I love parks more than anything.

And I've been a summer camp
counselor since I was 13.

Ugh! Gross. What about you?
Why are you here?

The only thing I love more
than parks is recreation.

Really? No. I just
needed a college credit.

What are you studying? Nothing.
College is stupid.

Then who made you do this?
My parents.

What are they like?

Well, my mom's the devil
and my dad's a dumb doctor.

My dad's a doctor.
Shut up.

Jen, is it?
Yeah.

Let's take a walk, Jen. I feel like
you have almost zero potential.

I think that's cool.

And, action.

We meet again,
Puppy-Hating Dan.

You stole my guitar.

And you put farts in my lunch!

You've really done it this time.
Puppy Army, attack!

Yeah!

What? No!
I hate puppies!

I'll admit to everything!
You win again, Macklin!

Another mystery solved!

We'll be right back after this
with some more Johnny Karate.

Hey, that's lunch everyone.
We're back in 30 minutes.

Great job, bud.
You crushed it.

I love being Andy's agent.
He does all the work,

and I get 10%
just for showing up.

It's like a chef at a
restaurant making all the food

and then the owner gets the
profit, which is my other job.

Man, I really got
things figured out.

Let's make this quick.

Andy's show gets huge
ratings in three cities.

His GryzzlTube page
has millions of views.

If you don't want
Andy walking over

to your rival
station in Snerling,

I think you should
start taking this seriously.

Okay, here's
what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna upgrade
the parking spot.

But my son gets a role as one
of the kid ninjas, all right?

He's gonna love me for it. It's
gonna drive my ex-wife crazy.

So far, so good. But, in the
words of Jerry Maguire...

"The human head
weighs 8 pounds."

No. "Show me the money."

Andy, do you know how lucky
you are to work here?

I'm a kingmaker.

Pip Wiley, Chuck Warschank,
Selena Gomez. I made them.

You discovered Selena Gomez?

Different Selena Gomez. Look, I
don't have the money for a raise.

Uh... Yeah, you do. I've seen profit
reports. The show is a bonanza.

Andy starts making
$500 a week. Now.

Get the hell out of my office.

Sit down.

Look, dude, this
internship leads nowhere.

It'll just screw up
the rest of your life.

What do you love doing?

Texting.

What did you wanna be
when you were little?

A scary mermaid that lures
sailors to their death.

Okay, side note, I'm gonna file
papers to adopt you as my child,

so keep an eye out for that.

But more importantly,
don't do this internship.

Go do something fun, like trying
to control birds with your mind,

or posting Internet comments
as Michael Jackson's ghost.

Okay. Maybe
you're right. Thanks.

Hey, April!

We finished those
questionnaires you gave us

about our hopes and dreams
for the internship.

Great. Thanks, Mike.

I'm sorry this
building is so lame.

As soon as we get
our new headquarters built,

it's gonna be way, way tighter.

Check it. Matty.
Okay, this is GryzzlVibe.

It's this new app
that we're developing

that monitors your mood.
Tell them about it.

As you know, the cameras on
your phones are always on,

whether you're
using them or not.

I'm sorry? They are?

This app uses facial-recognition
software to track your expressions.

It's always watching.

Well, what do you do
with this information?

Well, if the camera senses
that you're in a bad mood,

then we could
geo-match you to, say,

the nearest cup of
sweet pick-me-up java.

But, if you're in a good mood,

then we could geo-nudge you to,
like, a sweet coffee shop.

You could just keep
the good times rolling.

So it's really just a
coffee sales app. Yeah.

Yeah, we're developing
with Starbucks. Yeah.

So, Roscoe, how does Gryzzl know

all the things
that someone wants?

Are you guys, I don't know,
whatever, data-mining?

Oh, hells yeah, dogman!

Our super rad algorithm

searches all your texts, calls,
banking, medical records,

blah, blah, blah,
to learn what you really want.

You know, from snacks,
to new books and movies,

to when you ladies
need to score some new 'pons.

I mean, we might know you better
than you know yourself, Leslie.

How did you know it was me?

It was about 40 different ways.

I mean, geo-maps on all your
different Gryzzl devices.

And, of course, we face-scanned
you when you came in.

We're really glad you're here.

Okay, good.

Just 'cause we're competing
for the Newport land

doesn't mean that we
can't be friends. No.

Isn't that your motto?

"Wouldn't it be tight if everyone
was chill to each other?"

Totes.

And I hope that you can see now

that there's nothing
scary about Gryzzl.

I mean, we just wanna learn
everything about everyone,

and track them wherever they go,

and anticipate what
they're about to do.

These are really interesting
issues, Roscoe.

I think maybe we could debate
them, you know, on TV.

TV. Retro. I love it.

All right. I'm gonna
GryzzlPad out of here.

Skate mode activated.

Later, chillers.

This is
The Perdples Court,

a legal debate show about issues

facing residents
of Southern Indiana.

With your host,
Judge Perd Hapley.

Tonight on The Perdples Court,

we will have the guests that have
been booked for tonight's show.

The plaintiff, Leslie Knope, who has
some big allegations against Gryzzl.

The defendant, Gryzzl Vice
President Roscoe Santangelo.

Who will win?
I don't know yet.

Which is what makes
this a court show.

We have public
opinion on our side,

and we have proof that
Gryzzl has been data-mining.

But there's one
more thing we need.

The one thing that Americans
respect more than anything else.

Public humiliation
on live television.

Leslie, do not
go on television.

Swanson? What are
you doing here?

This is the 27th version

of the Pawnee-Gryzzl free wireless
Internet thing agreement.

Check out the page I marked.

Yeah. Gryzzl is not
allowed to collect

and use customer
data for any purposes.

It's pretty clear. See?
Look closer.

Amendment C, addendum 14.

It directs you to this appendix,

which reroutes you to this one,

which says,
in a sub-footnote...

It says here they can gather
and use any information they want.

How did I miss this?

Look at the revision date.

December 18th, 2015.

That was the opening day of
Episode VII.

You were muttering that date
in your sleep for months.

They knew you'd be distracted.

That's how they slipped it in.

I did this to the town.
It's my fault.

It's Ice Town all over again.

Is Star Wars the one with
the little wizard boy?

Okay, this is
what I can give you.

No more janitorial duties,
better parking spot,

unlimited Mike and Ikes
from the vending machine,

and for salary,
we're at $500 a week.

500 whats?

Dollars, man.

What about the rights
to Johnny Karate?

We own the rights
to Johnny Karate.

I can't bend on that one.

But I invented the character.

Well, invent another character.

Uh... Here you go,
Kung-Fu Billy.

Jeremy Punch-Guy.
Ed Kick.

Those are actually pretty great.

But Johnny Karate
is special to me.

If we can't get the rights,
I'm gonna walk.

He's making the
biggest mistake of his life.

He's walking out on Hank Muntak?

I have six Lower
Great Lakes Emmy Awards.

I once sat in
the original Batmobile.

James Woods follows
my niece on Twitter.

He's gonna regret this.

All of this work, everything
I've done for this city,

it's all a wash now.

Everyone's gonna hate me again.

Some of us are
already there, Wyatt.

This is not your fault. Ron,
talk some sense into him.

Ben's right. This is
Ice Town all over again.

Ron!

If you're gonna sign a
legally binding document,

you need to read it thoroughly.

That's why the only
contract I've ever signed

was my Mulligan's
Steakhouse Club Card.

And even then,
I used a fake name.

Les. Les
Vegetables.

Don't worry, okay? You're not
gonna take the fall for this.

Ron, make sure that
Donna doesn't hurt him.

You wanted to see me?

Yes. Can you tell
me where Jennifer is?

I convinced her to quit.

Martha Stewart's apron
line, my tomato plants...

Oh, God, I'm out.
Where's my emergency list?

Recently I've been feeling

like I've wasted the
last 10 years of my life,

and it all started
with this internship.

And I don't want those kids to
make the same mistake, okay?

April, you spent
the last 10 years

doing amazing things
with this Parks Department,

and learning from
the greatest teacher

in this or any business,
Leslie Freaking Knope.

You'd be a checkout
girl at a gas station

if it wasn't for
that internship!

Sweet potato pie, unlikely
animal friend pairings,

Jennifer Love Hewitt.

You're lucky to
have worked here,

no matter what you wanna do
with the rest of your life.

And I think you know that.

And now if you'll excuse me, I
have to go find a new intern.

Now, Leslie, I understand that
what you've brought to the show

isn't a box of objects, but rather
a symbolic box of allegations.

Well, Perd...
It's Judge Perd.

Okay. I think there
are certain questions

about certain aspects of certain
parts of this situation

that require an evaluation about

whether or not this is or
is not a valid argument.

Extremely well-put.

Excuse me, Judge Perd.
I'm Ben Wyatt, City Manager.

What Gryzzl is doing
with our private information

may not technically be illegal,

but it's definitely not chill.

Whoa! That's a serious
allegaysh, homie.

We are hella chill.

And frankly, if you
don't like our vibe,

you don't have to use our shizz.

Well, we kind of do.

I mean, the Internet is no longer optional.
It's a necessity for everyone.

And I think you do know
that data-mining isn't chill,

because you snuck it
into the 27th update

of a 500-page
user agreement.

A person should not have to
have an advanced law degree

to avoid being
taken advantage of

by a multi-billion-dollar
company.

You should be upfront
about what you're doing

and allow people
the ability to opt out.

To be honest, Judge Perd
is stumped by this case.

I've also misplaced
my judge hammer.

I cannot render a verdict here.

Therefore, I must
declare a mistrial,

which is a term I've heard
people use in the movies.

Tap, tap, tap.
Case ended.

And we're clear.

All right. Later, dudes.

Hey, good news.
I think I found a job.

There was an opening for a
janitor at the TV station.

Get this, they're gonna
pay me the minimum wage.

Put your mop down, bud. I got you
the rights to Johnny Karate.

No way. How?

Just a great agent, I guess.

Please, man, please!

Andy's my friend and I
want to do a good job,

and there's this girl I really
like and she lives in Chicago.

And she's still dating someone.

Oh, God.

Do you wanna eat at my
restaurant for free? Every week.

You can come
once a week. It's free.

Hey, okay.
Fine. Just stop.

See? I told you it
was gonna work out.

That's actually really
good advice for anything.

If there's something
that you want badly,

you just have to believe
that it's gonna work out.

Hey. I am sorry that I
screwed up your life.

I found a bunch of new potential
interns to replace Jen.

Hi.

How'd you manage that?

I just thought,
"What would Leslie do?"

So I handed out flyers
and I canvassed the college.

I even baked a bunch of cookies.
It was weird.

I actually really
enjoyed finding them.

And I enjoyed
bullying Jen into quitting.

Hmm. You should add
telling people what to do

to your perfect job description.

Good idea. You should up your
therapy to seven times a week,

stop dressing that way
and give me your wallet.

Victor Garber, James
Garner, Jennifer Garner.

I go alphabetical now.

Hey! You're back.
How was the trip?

It was okay.
Kind of weird.

Weird couple of
days for me, too.

Closed a bunch of deals,
did a bunch of crunches...

Yeah. I broke up
with Conrad.

Which was a long time coming
but it's still weird.

Yeah. Do you want
to talk about it?

Thanks. I don't think I'm
ready to discuss it just yet.

But what I would like to
do is have a glass of wine

and talk about that
shade Nicki Minaj threw

at Jesse
Eisenberg at the BAFTAs.

He deserved it.
No, he didn't!

Uh... Settle in. Because I have some
very strong feelings about this.

They're all down.
Thank God.

Sometimes I
think they're somehow

the first humans
who don't need sleep.

Look. This Gryzzl thing, it's
complicated, but this isn't Ice Town.

You have done so much for this
town, and people know that.

I'm just sorry we couldn't find
something illegal on Gryzzl.

If we're gonna stop them,

and you're gonna beat them on the
Newport land, we need more ammo.

We need to talk.

What is that?

This is a flying robot

I just shot out of the sky

after it delivered
a package to my house.

I thought you didn't like
to pass judgment on...

The package was
addressed to my son.

Who is four years old and
does not own a Gryzzl doodad.

Somehow the robots
looked at Diane's computer

and learned something
about my child

and then brought
him a box of presents.

So I destroyed the robot.

No one is safe
from these bastards.

Tell me what to do, Leslie.

I wanna help you take 'em down.

Ripped By mstoll