All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S07E01 - 2017 (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

I mean, there were rumors that they
were gonna announce it next month.

But they must've gotten impatient.
Okay.

Whatever they say, we need to come
up with 10,000 possible responses

to 10,000 possible scenarios.

Okay. Just to remind you, I don't
work for the National Park Service.

Yeah, yeah. How are
those scenarios coming?

Okay, look, before we go in there,
you need to know something.

He's here.
Who's here?

The guy whose name you forbid
me from saying out loud

because it fills you with rage.

Look, I don't know
who he's working for,

but I guess he's part of
one of the bidding groups.

Are you gonna be able
to be civil in there?

I'm perfectly civil.

He's the stupid
garbage head doodoo face.

Perfect.

Thank you all for coming.

I'm Trevor Nelsson, legal
counsel to the Newport family.

The Newport Family Trust
intends to sell

a 25 square mile parcel
of pristine, undeveloped land

containing Lake Eagleton and the
Southern Indiana Foothills.

Why now? The Newports have
owned this land for 100 years.

Thanks to the recent
economic boom in Pawnee,

real estate prices are
at an all-time high.

And in the words of
Jessica Wicks Newport,

heir to the entire
Newport fortune,

quote, "It's time to trade those dumb
old trees for a buttload of cash."

It is. It truly is.

This land is begging
to be a new national park,

and it's in my own backyard!

This could be my crowning achievement.
I could retire.

I mean, I wouldn't.

I'm gonna work until I'm 100 and
then cut back to four days a week.

Oh, God. I'm already so bored
thinking about that one day off.

Maybe I'll go to
law school or something.

We will select the finalists from
a set of initial, sealed bids

due at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow.

Good luck.

Okay.
Oh. Cool.

There he is.
What?

He's here?
He is coming over.

I don't want to talk to him.
I should hide.

No. He should hide. He should run.
He should run away.

He should hide his stupid face.
He shouldn't be...

Hello, Miss Knope.

Hello, former strange
person I used to friend.

You're looking
very Ron-like.

You have your same hair.

No, I don't!
I have bangs now!

I've never known what bangs are,

and I don't intend to learn!

Well, maybe you should!

I left the Parks
Department two years ago.

Now I work in the
private sector,

running my own building
and development company.

It's called Very Good Building
and Development Company.

I wanted to convey the quality of
our work without seeming flashy.

So your company is involved
with one of the bidders?

Hell yeah, pimp!

He's on Team Gryzzl now.

We hired his company to help plan
and build our new Gryzzl campus.

Right here in town on that land.

Oh, my gosh.
It's perfect.

The trees and rocks and the sky.

Yes. The land has good sky.

This guy,
he's so far out.

So normcore.

You know that the National Park
System deserves this land.

Why are you trying to screw me?

This is like Morningstar
all over again!

This is nothing
like Morningstar.

And that was two years ago.

Well, you don't know
who you're dealing with.

I directly oversee 1,200 people.

I have a staff of
creative geniuses

that will not stop working
until we win this bid!

Leslie! I couldn't find
that file you wanted,

but I did find a file
called Bird Census 1980.

And it's empty.

Get out of here, Ed!
I fired you.

Right. If anybody wants to
hang, I will be at Subway.

He's very stupid.

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Babe, I just dropped off
Leslie's triplets with her mom.

All three of 'em.
Nailed it.

Look what she gave us.
Slow cooker!

Great.
Yeah.

So hurry up and get ready.
The gala starts in an hour.

And don't forget,
tomorrow we have to go

to that guy's office to sign
the renters insurance forms.

Get ready. Go.

Everything
is going great.

April's kicking ass
at her National Parks job.

I work there part time,
and I have my own TV show.

Welcome back to the Johnny Karate
Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show.

Morning, Johnny.
I have something for ya.

It's Mailman Barry.

Morning, Barry.
I have something for you.

Andy, no.
Ninjas attack!

Andy.

No. That's my crotch.

Okay, guys.
Three more kicks apiece.

Jessica, hi! I'm glad I
caught you before you left.

Just between you and me, what do you
think your land might sell for tomorrow?

Trevor says it'll probably
be around $90 million.

Oh, wow!

I know! I am just...
I am so happy for me!

Would you ever consider giving the
federal government a discount?

For a very good cause?
A National Park?

Oh, Leslie, I have
always liked you.

Yeah, no, you haven't though.

But I also like money.

And money pays for my lifestyle.

Leslie doesn't pay for my lifestyle.
Money does.

So, between money and Leslie...

You see the
bind that I'm in.

Yeah. It's a tough one.

Well, thank you, Jessica.

You did and said exactly what I
thought you were gonna do and say.

And that's oddly comforting.
Thank you, sweetie!

Who is Tom Haverford?

He's a mentor, a lover, a hero.

But who is my hero?

Simple. It's me
five years from now.

Okay, I really only need a correct
spelling of your last name.

You are looking at one of Indiana
Business Monthly's 35 under 35.

I own Pawnee's hottest restaurant,
two fast casual eateries,

and the Tommy Chopper.

We serve chopped salads out of a
decommissioned military helicopter.

I'm a mogul now!

Hey, Tom. Ben Wyatt!
City Manager of Pawnee.

The Chamber of Commerce
asked me to introduce him

at a very fancy
black tie gala tonight.

One of the many area
bigwigs who comes to me

for life advice, fashion tips...

You get it.
Write this all down.

So, for the introduction, I'd love
it if you could just keep it brief.

Like stick to my
fiscal accomplishments.

Wanna wake me up when you're
done boring us to death,

am I right, Janet?

Write down that I'm funny.

Benji. Relax. Come on.

When's Tommy ever let you down?

Constantly.

I'm being honored
at a gala tonight

because I'm in charge of the
Pawnee Bicentennial Celebration.

It's my biggest project
since Ice Town,

so it really means a lot that I'm
being recognized as a city leader

instead of being yelled at
and pelted with things.

Wait. You don't think this
is all an elaborate setup

to pelt me with things, do you?

It takes, like, eight hours to
cook something in this thing.

I guess I could pick up a brisket tomorrow
and start it for dinner Thursday.

Thursday's no good. I have
production meetings all day.

I think we've got dinner with
Joe and Donna on Friday.

Hey, you know, Sunday, we can
go to the farmer's market,

put the brisket
in the slow cooker,

get a movie on Pay Per View.

The new Jason Bourne movie is
supposed to be pretty funny.

Andy, we're planning our
whole week, like old people!

We used to be
spontaneous and weird.

We used to eat
cereal out of Frisbees

because we didn't
have any bowls.

You once broke a rib
trying to wrestle

one of those inflatable floppy
guys at a car dealership.

I won. Now you
sprained your shoulder

trying to clean out
the stupid gutter.

You even have a job.
We have a bank account!

That's it. We've held out
as long as we could,

but it finally happened.

We're boring.
We're boring people

who bore each other
by being boring.

No! We are still fun!
I'm gonna prove it to you.

Tonight, at the gala, we are gonna
do something spontaneous and weird.

Okay.

Stop taunting me.

Get on the
phone to Washington.

Call in every favor
that we have.

Dave, put Missouri on the back
burner, this is top priority.

You all have 36 hours
to find me $90 million, go!

Whoa! $90 million?

Well, I only have $2 million
in the discretionary fund,

and I've already used some of it

to make Thomas Jefferson sexier in
those Mount Rushmore promotions.

Which, by the way, attendance has been up.
That's not a coincidence.

Pawnee's rich and famous
will all be here tonight.

Maybe you start there.
That is a very smart idea.

And that tuxedo makes you look
like a sexy orchestra conductor.

Here. Wave this pen around.
Focus.

Fine. Let's go
get that park.

That park is my dream. I'm
not gonna let it slip away.

Who cares if Gryzzl
and Ron have more money?

I have the most valuable
currency in America,

a blind, stubborn belief that
what I am doing is 100% right.

Ken Hotate! Great bolo tie.
Is that new?

Why, yes, it is. My son
sells them on Etsy.

He is a huge disappointment.

Oh, well, now that
we're chatting,

the National Park Service is
looking to buy the Newport Land,

but we're a little
short on funds.

How short?
$88 million.

What do you say you put some of
that casino money to good use?

You know, we have been considering
opening a second resort.

No, it would be a donation.

The government would
keep the land.

So you would like
the Wamapoke people

to pay the federal government
millions of dollars

to buy land that was stolen from
us by the federal government?

And we don't even
get to keep the land?

Well, when you put it like
that, I see the irony.

So, are you in? No?

What if I buy some of your disappointing
son's bolo ties? Damn it.

Hey, check it out. I'm so
crazy and spontaneous,

I don't even need
this sling anymore.

Yes. Oh.

Did you hear that pop?
Did you hear that?

You wanna do shots?
Yeah, I'd love to do a shot.

'Cause wine makes me sleepy now.

This is gonna be fun.
What do you wanna do first?

I dare you to eat this
entire jug of olives. Done.

What are you doing?
I'm gonna take a Zantac.

All that salt
will give me heartburn.

Oh, God.
You ruined it.

We have to figure
something else out.

Should I still take the Zantac?

Yeah, you always feel
better when you do.

Oh, my God.
I hate us, let's go.

Now, I know all of you are
off doing your own things,

and we don't see each other
as much as we used to,

but I need my old team
back for one last mission.

So, hands in "Defeat Ron" on three!
One, two, three.

Oh, actually, Ron promised me I could build
a restaurant on the new Gryzzl campus.

So I'm kind of
totally on Ron's side.

Okay, Tom's dead to me. Donna?
I'm waiting for your hand.

Yeah. Ron hired Regal Meagle
Realty to broker the deal.

And I'm gonna need the money
for my wedding.

Shia LaBeouf designed wedding
dresses do not come cheap.

Oh, my God. You're getting married?
That's amazing!

And you didn't tell me earlier.
How could you?

Joe popped the question
a few days ago.

I didn't post anything on Gryzzl Feed
'cause I wanted to tell you in person.

It's very beautiful,
and I'm furious at you.

How are you?
How are the kids?

They're great. You know,
they're trying to destroy us.

There's three of them, it's
insane, but they're great.

We gotta run, Les.

Sorry for totally crushing it
and you in the process.

Later.

Well, never fear,
because Terry is here.

Yes, I go by Terry now.

Because there was a guy
at National Parks.

He was already named Larry, so
they suggested I go by Terry.

And then I said my real name is
Gary, and they said, "Who cares?"

So, it's just a fun group.

Good evening and welcome to
the Pawnee Bicentennial Gala.

Not long ago, this town
was barely on the map.

Unless you're talking about a map of
the cities with the most obese pets.

But then one great man came along
and he lifted all of us up.

And that man was me.

Tom Haverford,
owner and proprietor

of the effortlessly chic,

celebrity-packed Italian
restaurant, Tom's Bistro.

And several
other establishments.

Ron, how could you?

I simply took a skewer for one
shrimp and added many shrimp to it.

They're long enough
for five or six.

First you try to steal my park,
and now you steal my team?

I didn't steal them.

They're independent people who
have moved on to better things,

just like you did.

Bacon-wrapped shrimp?

I fit seven on this one.
It's a masterpiece.

Why don't you shove them
all in your dumb mouth

and then when I turn around, you can
stab me in the back with the skewer?

People come up to me,
and they say things like,

"Tom, given all that you've accomplished,
is it hard to stay humble?"

And I say, "Not for me.

"I'm pretty amazing
at being humble. "

But enough about me.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome

Pawnee's Man of the Year 2017, Mr.
Ben Wyatt!

Thank you. Thanks.

And thank you to Tom for
that moving tribute to you.

And thank you to the
Boys and Girls Club

for the incredibly life-like
papier-m�ch� statue.

You know when I first moved here, I...

Oh, uh...

I guess it's time for cake?
Okay. Great. Perfect timing.

How about this? We shut
off the lights, turn 'em back on.

Everybody's fancy
jewelry is missing.

Meanwhile, you and I are already
on a boat to the airport.

Let's put stink bombs
in all the vents. Yes.

Wait. No. I forgot.

I got rid of all the stink bombs
before I babysat Leslie's kids.

Being responsible
adults sucks butts.

Butts. That's it. I'll streak
across the stage. Yes. I love it.

I'm gonna get naked.
I'm gonna get up there.

Everyone is gonna see my wiener.

I mean, you've seen it. You
know how dumb it looks. Uh-huh.

Perfect plan.

Why are you even here? What have
you ever done for this city?

My company has stimulated
Pawnee's economy.

You're just still upset
about Morningstar.

I told you to never
say that word to me!

No one should ever
say that word out loud.

It's like "Voldemort"
or "Ron."

You know what? You don't
deserve that candle!

Give me that candle!
Let go! Let go!

This candle's mine! No!
Gimme this candle.

You steal my team,
I steal your candle!

I stole nothing!

- Guys!
- I want it!

- Leslie!
- Stop! Stop!

It's okay.
Everything's fine.

Just wheel out the backup cake.

There's no backup cake.

Who doesn't bake a backup cake?

Okay. Well,
that seals it.

Even Leslie is
crazier than we are.

They're still gonna
serve that cake, right?

And then I said, "Uh, you might
wanna check with the penguin."

I get it. You Gryzzl
guys are a real hoot.

And you have so much money.

Thanks, Jessie! And, hey, enjoy
that new prototype Gryzzl Tablet.

I will.
I just love it!

Thank you, Jessica.
I love you, too.

I love your skin.

Give me your skin.
Oh!

There are still a couple bugs
with the Al software.

But maybe just turn it off
before you go to sleep.

All right, Donna. Let's hit it.
About to get some pennies!

Pennies, oh, pennies,
oh, pennies.

Okay. You're next.

Hello, Ron.

I just want you to know that I am not sorry
that I pushed you into a giant cake.

Well, I am sorry that I
attended a public event.

Yo, Ron.
Come on, bud.

We're gonna go play some video games,
and we want you to watch quietly.

After we drop off the
renters insurance forms,

we need to stop by
the grocery store.

And then we need to sign a suicide pact
because our lives are meaningless.

Babe, we are not boring people.

Would boring people
get renters insurance,

even though it's
not legally required?

Where are we? I have never once
been to this part of Pawnee.

It's the creepy
warehouse district.

It's mostly just raccoons
and old car batteries.

Whoa! Hang on.
Pull over.

Look at that.

This place is amazing.

Let's go in!

What up, playa?

I just wanted to apologize
for my intro running long.

But, you know, when it comes to
inspirational Will Smith quotes,

how you gonna stop at 10?

You know, when the Chamber of
Commerce asked you to introduce me,

I was a little worried you would spend
the entire time talking about yourself,

which is exactly what you did.

I'm sorry.

Truth is they didn't
ask me to introduce you.

I asked them if I could do it.

I was gonna talk about
how I owe you so much,

and how you stood by me
through all of my failures,

and I stood by you through all
of your terrible outfits.

But when I got up there,
I got pretty emotional.

To make it up to you, I'd like
to read you the speech now.

"I've known a lot of
ballers in my day.

"But no man balls harder than
the man I'm about to bring up.

"He's kind.

"He's intelligent.

"He's a person I'm
deeply proud to call my friend."

It was a pretty good speech.

I mean, it was
a little sappy maybe.

But I think I liked it.

Jessica, Mr. Nelsson, you are going
to hear a lot of bids today.

But this is the only
one that matters.

Is this a circle?

Or is it an O?

Is Oprah involved in your bid?

It's a zero.

I bid zero dollars.

I have to say, that's one of
the lower ones we've seen.

Pawnee is celebrating
its 200th anniversary,

and the Newport family
has been here since day one.

Through feast and famine,
transformation, upheaval, celebration.

The Newport family is part
of the fabric of this town.

And not always in a good way, like
when your hot fudge pipeline exploded.

Oh, boo-hoo! It all ran
off into the lake.

Well, yes, admittedly, it did
make the fish taste delicious,

but it was a PR nightmare.
Mmm-hmm.

My question is this.

What do you want the Newport
name to mean in the future?

If you donate this land, and you let
me turn it into a national park,

the Newport National Park,

your name will stand for something
good for generations to come.

How much was her bid again?

It was zero dollars.

Oh! That's the part I don't like.
Yeah.

Just keep me in the running.

Give me a chance to prove to
you how great this could be.

It says here there are 12
closets, three bomb shelters,

five dumbwaiters, two and
three-eighths baths, no kitchens.

It's a fairly standard layout.

Cool. Is that a
staircase to nowhere?

Yes, it is. Good eye.

What was this place?

Remember the Pawnee
Doll Head Factory?

This was a doll head factory?

No. This was a holding cell for people
who went insane on the assembly line.

What's behind this door?

Fire pole!

So this place
has had zero offers?

People seem to be scared off,

on account of it being
haunted and disgusting.

After 47 years living here,

I decided to move to Orlando
to be closer to Disney World.

We are responsible adults.

You know what that means?
I know.

We have money.

And we are going to buy
the... out of this house!

Seriously?
Yes.

Who needs rental insurance?
We're gonna live here.

We now go live
to the press conference.

Good evening.
I'm Attorney Trevor Nelsson

with the law firm Fwar, Dips, Winshares,
Gritt, Babip, Pecota, Vorp and Eckstein,

legal counsel
to the Newport family,

here to announce that the
Newport Family Trust

has narrowed this search
to two final candidates,

the Gryzzl corporation
and the National Park Service.

Okay. I'm in the game.

All I have to do
is convince them

that it's better taking no
money than taking $90 million.

Well, you did convince
three unsuspecting toddlers

that peas turn into
cupcakes in their tummies.

I started my career in Pawnee by
turning a pit into a cool little park.

And now I have the chance
to give this town

a massive, beautiful gift
that they can use forever.

In the words of Jason Bourne,
"This is where it started for me.

"This is where it ends."

You know, I still think Kevin James
was a weird choice for the reboot.

Oh, I don't.
I think he nailed it.

So, I'm thinking, in addition,
to the Tom's Bistros,

we have a hyper exclusive lounge
area called Tommy's Lounge.

Attention! This is war.

You guys are going down.

And that's all I wanted to say.

Except Donna, Tom, hey.

I'm sorry I haven't kept in
better touch with you recently,

but, you know, I've been a little
preoccupied with my kids and my job.

So, it's really good
to see you both.

And also, prepare for war

because you chose the wrong side
and we are gonna smoke you.

And also I made cookies, but
Ron is not allowed to eat them

and they say,
"Prepare for War" on them,

but the O in the word
"for" is a heart.

And I ate a lot of 'em
on the way over here.

Because we're at war.

Hey, Tom!
Hey, man!

Buddy, good to see you.
How's it going?

It's pretty good.
Hey! Andy! Let's go.

War!

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