All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S06E08 - Fluoride (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

We're gonna have some
fun today, Pawnee!

Who is ready to Play 60?

Everybody, on the field!

The NFL has a campaign

to try to get kids active
for 60 minutes per day.

And so, we've bused in 100 lucky
little buggers from Pawnee.

And they are gonna get a
chance to play with the Colts.

Ohh! Come on, Reggie! I told
you to run a button hook!

I did, Leslie.
Okay. I guess you would know!

Pleasure to see you
again, Mr. Luck.

We met briefly last year at
our friend's bachelor party.

Oh, yeah. Right.
How are you?

I normally don't answer
that question.

But since I respect
your talent, I will tell you.

I am fine.

Hi, I'm April.
I stole your wallet.

You guys are weird.
Thank you.

What's up, girl?
Keep walking, 98.

You don't wanna talk to that guy?
He plays in the NFL.

He's a linebacker. Skill
positions only for Donna Meagle.

I got my Colts beanie, my Colts
scarf, I got the Colts grill going

and the crowning glory,
Colts "slippies."

How're you gonna run in those?

Run? Tommy doesn't run.

That's your guys' job.

Now, uh, let's go fetch
this football throw, fellows.

I love sports.

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Check it out, Tom.
The Eagleton Reservoir.

Isn't it stunning?
It's just a big, dumb pond.

This morning, I saw
a YouTube clip

of a little puppy,
riding a motorcycle.

So, my bar for stunning
is pretty high.

What if I told you that
this water has fluoride in it?

Then, I would tell you the
puppy had a little sidecar

with a piggy in it,
named Hampton.

First of all,
send me a link to that video.

But more importantly,
now that we have access

to the Eagleton Reservoir and
the water treatment supply,

Pawnee is going to have
fluoride in its water

for the first time
in our history.

Our oral history. Nailed it!

Of course, I'm upset that I
lost the recall election.

But I'm just gonna spend
the remainder of my term

cramming in as many
good projects as I can.

Lame duck? Try flame duck.

'Cause this duck is on fire.

It's hard doing stupid government stuff
now that Rent A Swag has closed.

I'm a businessman.
That's what I was born to do.

Well, look, you've just got to make
the most of the job that you have.

Like, take that trash collector.

It's not the most
glamorous job in the world,

but he's doing it
with a smile on his face.

Oh, my God.
He's not wearing any pants.

What's wrong with him?

Let's get out of here.
He's smiling at us.

Let's go. Run!
Ugh!

Hey. What's up, guys? Look what Ron made.
It's amazing.

Several months ago, I was on a
walk and found my crib-tree.

I approached the tree,
murdered it,

left it to cure in my woodshop,

and have begun working it into
a crib, for my upcoming child.

Ron Swanson,
you cannot use this crib.

You're ignoring every
known crib safety standard.

It's all covered in the
parenting book I'm reading.

Are You Going to Crawl My Way?
By Lenny Kravitz.

My crib will be safe

because I'm building it
with my own two hands.

I bought my crib in Bloomington,

and I am confident

that it is, literally,
the safest crib

in the explored universe.

Let me take you there,
and you can talk

to the salesperson.

Counter offer.
You take me nowhere

and I talk to no one.

Counter, counter offer.
You come with me

or I make you attend a four-hour
fax cover-sheet protocol meeting.

Either way, it's a win for me.

Next, on the docket, is a vote

to approve the Pawnee-Eagleton
reservoir merger.

Whoa-whoa-whoa!

We're just goosing our
water supply with fluoride?

I mean, come on. Are we really going
to force every Pawnee resident

to ingest a chemical
we know nothing about?

Fluoride is used by the
communists to control our minds.

No, it's not.
Fluoride can control minds?

Like, you can use it
to make ladies do stuff?

How am I the one that is getting
booted off of this city council?

Okay. Fluoride is safe.
It is good for you

and almost every town
in America uses it.

Ah. All right.
You got me.

I don't want fluoride
in the water

because I'm a dentist
and I like cavities.

Yeah, that is not
a valid reason.

Pawnee's cavity problem is why
a small-town dentist, like me,

can afford such a boss ride.

Got an Asian girl to sit in it once.

Why did we come out here?

Come on, Jamm. Fluoride in the
water, it's a no-brainer.

Can't you just let me
have this one?

No can do, "Knopey."
As a matter of fact,

I would like
to propose my own bill.

The Pawnee Clean Water Bill,

which prohibits adding
anything to our water supply.

Forever.

Jamm's not going to be able to
kill this reservoir merger, is he?

On my side, I have facts,
science and reason.

All he has is
fear-mongering.

My God. He's gonna win.

Yeah, people get jittery
about stuff like this.

Remember last year when no
one would get flu shots

because there was a rumor
they turned you European?

Well, I'll figure something out.

Oh. Jessica's here. Got to go.
Okay, bye.

Hey, sugarbutt.

Some lardos in Muncie ate
tainted Sweetums Toffee Sticks

and diarrhea'd so much,
they ended up in the hospital.

Oh!

Can we give their school, like,
a new see-saw or something?

Yeah. Thanks.

The new site looks good.
Nice work.

Oh, my God,
these dogs are so cute.

I want to throw up
and kill myself.

Animal Control had to take in
all the pets from Eagleton

and Crazy Craig used to run
all their shelters,

so he helped me make an adoption
website for all their dogs.

If you can look at that site and
not want to take home 50 dogs,

you're, basically,
a war criminal.

See the way that dog is
rolling around in a puddle?

That's something Andy does
when he gets hot.

Wait, you're right.
That is so Andy.

Oh, my God. That dog
is totally Tom. Tom.

I don't know why. It doesn't
look like him, but it just is.

It's like, that dog
is the essence of Tom.

Okay. Important meeting in the
conference room right now.

We are going to all pick
our spirit dogs.

Oh. I've got to pick up
Gayle at the airport.

Larry, I swear to God,
if you leave right now

we will make your spirit dog
a Miniature Schnauzer.

Is that bad?
Yes. Get in there!

Ann found this place. It's where we
bought our Sounds of Nature machine.

You bought a machine that
replicates an open window.

Frasier. Chris Traeger.
Do you remember me?

I came in here looking for the
Vanna White book on child care,

I'd Like to Solve
the Puzzle of Parenting.

Could you show my friend Ron that
amazing crib that you sold me?

The Baby Love Little Sweetheart
Safe Forever and Ever model?

Oh. Yeah. That thing is a death trap.
I'm sorry?

Just found out this morning,
it's being recalled.

They found Maxicylofentabol
in the glue.

Is that good? It sounds bad.

It burned off my fingernails.

I'll be in the car.

Councilwoman Leslie Knope
wants to put fluoride,

which is a chemical,
into your drinking water.

You know what else
is a chemical? Strychnine.

And cyanide.

What?
And dirt. And rust.

And even broken glass.
Exactly.

You definitely understand
what chemicals are, Perd.

I would suggest, if you want
to contact the psychopath

that wants to turn your kids into
bad-at-math communist fluoride zombies,

well, just call the number
at the bottom of your screen.

Leslie Knope. No. Stop right there.
You know what?

Fluoride protects your teeth and
it's perfectly healthy for you.

Well, if Jamm says that,
then he is a lying idiot.

And if you believe it,
then so are you.

Whoa! You just talked
to that person

like I talk to you.
You can't do that.

Why not? What are they gonna
do, kick me out of office?

Why did it take me
so long to realize this?

There are no consequences
to my actions anymore.

No matter what I do, literally
nothing bad can happen to me.

I'm like a white, male,
US senator.

Fluoride is going
into the water, moron.

Oh. Hey, Mom. Sorry.

Because all it does
is prevent cavities!

God! I expected
more from you.

All right, I'm a loose cannon.

We need to fight fire with fire.
I call a town hall meeting,

I gather everyone together,
I distribute the binders.

But now, the binders
are bright yellow!

Boom!

Too extreme?

Too nothing. Look, Jamm's
already ruined fluoride.

Everyone's scared of it. What
if we called it something else?

What do you mean?
I mean, we rebrand.

No one cared
about Calvin Broadus,

until he started calling
himself Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Then, when people got tired of
that, he went by Snoop Dogg.

And now, he's Snoop Lion.

What's he going to be in 10 years?
Snoop Laser Snake? Who knows?

What are you saying,
we need to sex up fluoride?

I don't know, Tom. It's a
pretty sexy topic already.

Leslie, you got to give people
something to get excited about.

You told me to make the most of my job.
I'm good at this stuff.

Now, are you
a loose cannon or not?

Yeah.

I'm as loose as a goose.
Do your thing, Tom.

Aw.

Now, remember. It's about finding
a dog that captures your spirit.

See? This is Craig.

Oh, no, that is insane.

I will burn this place to the
ground, if you pick that one!

Okay, good choice.

You guys. Leslie.
Yes.

And Ron Swanson.

Yeah! Oh, my God. This is Larry.

That's great. You nailed it.
Bingo. Donna. Nailed it.

You're a poodle because you're pretty,
and you like make-up and stuff.

Game over.

Ron, I want to do
things the Swanson way.

Wonderful. First rule, no conversation
lasts longer than 100 total words.

You have used nine.
I have used 20. Continue.

Fun. I'd like you
to teach me to build a crib.

Why do you need
to build your own crib?

Because I no longer trust anything
other than my own two hands.

It is debilitating,
but exciting.

Okay. We'll go to my woodshop at lunch.
Wonderful.

Look at us. Both standing
on the cusp of fatherhood.

I know we haven't spent a lot
of time together, but I hope...

One hundred.

All right. So, in conclusion,
fluoride chemical,

tiny genitals, misinformation,
panic death, Jenny McCarthy.

Well, I don't know, Councilman.
That was a little dry.

What do you say
we have some fun? Huh?

Check this.

Plain water?
Yuck. I'm bored.

Then, try this.

What? What just happened?

That water contains TDazzle,

which makes your teeth stronger,
and starts a party in your mouth.

What? Fluoride's boring,
guys! Boo!

Welcome to T-Dazzle.

It's not a chemical, it's an aquatic-based,
social media oral experience.

Everyone who tweets
a T-Dazzle in the next hour

will be entered to win an
exciting plain blue t-shirt.

- I say T. You say Dazzle. T!
- Dazzle!

- T!
- Dazzle!

Thank you for
the woodworking lesson, Ron.

This whole crib recall thing has got
me, literally, rethinking everything

I thought I knew
about parenting.

What sleep method will you be using?
Ferber? Sears?

Swanson method,

where you close
your eyes and fall asleep.

I really wish
Ron would engage.

But he exudes so much wisdom
that I can learn parenting tips

simply by being in his presence.

Someone like Ron is teaching
even when they're not teaching.

Does that make sense?

My anxiety has kept me up
for over 50 hours.

Our polling shows that 72%
of citizens are in favor

of adding T-Dazzle
to their water,

effectively killing Councilman
Jamm's so-called Clean Water Bill.

Eat it, Jamm. I won.

Apology accepted.

You know, I've actually come around
to your way of thinking on this.

My only thought is,
why stop here?

Ladies and gentlemen, Sweetums
president, Jessica Wicks.

Whoo!

Look, we all love T-Dazzle.

But we can do more to improve
our drinking supply.

Sweetums is excited to propose

an alternative to boring
municipal water.

We call it, Drink-Ems! Whoo!

Sweetums is prepared to take over
the management of Pawnee's water.

This is going to save
this town beaucoup bucks.

Take a sip of this
delicious water

and imagine it coming out
of your faucets at home.

This water is filled with sugar.

There's absolutely no way
we are doing this.

Too late. We're going to fill the
whole reservoir with this stuff.

Checkmate.

Did you bring those
with you just to do that?

- Maybe.
- Damn.

This is a baller move. What
are we gonna do now, Leslie?

Hey. Okay. Are you still mad
at me about the poodle thing?

It's just a dumb game.
I can pick another dog.

I'm not mad about the choice.

I'm mad about the reasons.

Pretty? Make-up? Is that
all you know about me?

Mmm. We don't hang
out that much.

It's not like
you know a ton about me.

You're beautiful,
yet cold and aloof.

You pride yourself
on being a loner.

You do not obey,
you choose to cooperate.

And when you stop baring your fangs
to pick a mate, it's for life.

And you are fiercely
loyal to your pack,

which makes you, a rare,
black, Siberian Husky.

That was so spot-on,
it was scary.

I need to go lie down
for 45 minutes.

No. An hour.

A full hour.

Good morning.
This won't take long.

Simply put, it would be madness

to let Sweetums take over our water
supply and pump it full of sugar.

What's next?
Cookie dough toothpaste?

Bad example.
That would be amazing.

My point is, Sweetums is an
evil, profit-hungry corporation

that is ruining our health.

Ever since Sweetums opened its
doors, obesity is up 100%.

It's unacceptable.

Down with that poison-peddling
corporate monster.

Down with Sweetums!

Hey.
Hey. Heard about your speech.

Sounded great. I wish
you could have seen it.

It felt so good.
I love loose cannoning.

You know, I love the power
of no consequences.

Well, unfortunately, there
has been one consequence.

I just got fired from Sweetums.

Because you were
embezzling. I hope.

Hey, Jessica. Did you do
something to your hair?

Because sister,
you look good enough to eat.

Nom-nom-nom.

What do you want, Leslie?

You can't punish Ben for something I did.
It's not fair.

I love him, and I will do anything
to help him get his job back.

What do you want?

I want you to formally apologize
for what you said about Sweetums.

I want you to say that we're a
moral, upstanding corporation

that you're proud
to have in Pawnee.

And when you make your apology,

I want you to wear
a lime-green pantsuit.

Because it will look horrible on you.
You are such an autumn.

Did you need me
for something? Yes.

I want to figure out your spirit
dog and I'm going to do that

by learning everything
there is to know about you.

All right. Game on.

Okay.
What's your favorite color?

For cars, it's gold.
For shoes, it's red.

Unless it's the weekend,
then reverse them.

Favorite music. 1970s funk and
1770s opera and Sugar Ray.

Post Mark McGrath, after he
left for Entertainment Tonight.

Favorite book.
Downton Abbey.

That's not a...
Downton Abbey.

Okay. Um... Describe
your perfect Sunday.

Church, do the
Harper's Magazine acrostic,

play my oboe in the Jacuzzi,

while the sun
sets over Puget Sound.

Favorite movies? In order.
Natural Born Killers,

Remains of the Day and Bill
and Ted's Bogus Journey.

Excellent. Thank you
very much for your time.

I will have your answer shortly.

No idea.

If a joint is properly fashioned, all
you need to do is guide it into place.

All you need to do
is guide it into place.

What I get from that is,
when parenting,

sometimes, a subtle hand is more
effective than a strong one.

This is already so much more helpful
than the last book on parenting I read,

Rad Dads, by Apolo Anton Ohno
and Shaun White.

Nah...

Ron, why did you throw
that wood away?

It's unstable. It's no good.

I just don't understand the
"throwing away the wood" metaphor.

What's the lesson?

I know!
It's potty-training.

That trash can is the toilet
and the wood was the feces.

Chris, I'm not teaching you anything.
We're just building a crib.

No, I know you're not consciously
teaching me anything.

I'm just trying to siphon off

some of your calm, centered
wisdom through metaphors.

Metaphors? I hate metaphors.

That's why
my favorite book is Moby Dick.

No frou-frou symbolism.
Just a good, simple tale

about a man,
who hates an animal.

That's enough for today,
I think.

An organized child is a...
No.

Okay, I've been working
on this for three hours,

and I know your spirit dog.

You are a Nova Scotia Toller.

Because you're outgoing
and adventurous

and you love Canada?

No, that's not right.
No, it isn't.

But I appreciate the effort.
We're good.

Do not beat yourself up.

You'll probably never guess
what kind of dog I am.

You're right. I'll never guess
what kind of dog you are.

Because you're not a dog.
You're a cat.

You're temperamental, you're
unpredictable, complex and hard to read.

You make people work
before you let them in.

But if they put the time in
and prove that they care,

then you open
yourself up to them.

Right?

No. No, no, no, no.

Hmm.

So, let's all raise a glass full of
delicious, sugary drinking water,

to Sweetums,
a Pawnee institution.

Leslie, don't do this.
I have to, Ben.

We can't both be out of a job.

What do we do? Sleep all day,
take cooking classes together,

sit on a couch and watch movies?

God, that sounds horrible.
There's more at stake here.

You apologize, it will be an
endorsement for the Drink-Ems plan.

I know that, but...

And everything you said
about Sweetums was right on.

I mean, 90%
of the charity work I did

was to compensate
for messes they caused.

And I don't want
to work for them anymore.

Are you sure?
Yeah.

Just go up there
and stick to your guns.

Well, it's not gonna make a difference.
I can't beat them.

All I have on my side
is facts and science,

and people hate
facts and science.

Wait. I have an idea.
Go get Tom.

What?
Run. Get Tom!

Yesterday, I said some pretty
harsh things about Sweetums

and their great new product.

But when I looked at the research, I
found some pretty compelling facts

about Drink-Ems that
made me change my tune.

Each Drink-Ems is packed
with 35% of your daily

monopotassium
phosphate requirement.

MPP is an emulsifier, as well
as a plus-seven pH buffer.

Now, I know what you're thinking.
What about its molar mass?

How does 136.086 grab you?

What the...

I don't know about y'all, but
Drink-Ems seems pretty boring to me.

Not like H2FLOW.

Excuse me.
I have several binders

with very important data
that I need to get through.

Well, Miss, I think
we'd all appreciate it

if you just swallowed
a teaspoon of hush.

Think of H2FLOW
as an app for your teeth.

The more flow you take in, the
more sparkle points you get.

Get enough sparkle points, and you're
on your way to your first Aqua Badge.

Collect enough Aqua Badges,
and we'll welcome you

to the H2FLOW Platinum Club.

I'm great at business,
and I'm great at Parks stuff.

I'm like Picasso
meets Michael Jordan.

I can paint. But, uh, I can
also be a world-class gambler.

Ron, what's this?

The crib I built.
I'm giving it to you and Ann.

It's perfectly safe. I tested
it by hitting it with my truck.

Well, Ron, I can't accept.
This is for your baby.

There is more than one
crib-tree in a forest.

That's not a lesson, by the way. Just
a comment on lumber availability.

It's beautiful. Thank you.

Nobody has all the right answers
in parenting, including me.

And that toxic crib you bought won't
be the last mistake you make.

But a man who is this worried, about
making all the right choices,

cares very much.

That's all that matters.
You'll be a great father.

Thank you, Ron.
For the crib and the advice.

It's much better
than any metaphor.

Does the white whale
actually symbolize

the unknowability and
meaninglessness of human existence?

- No. It's just a...
- fish.

Hey. Good news.
Drink-Ems is dead.

As of tomorrow,
every Pawnee resident

will have H2FLOW
in their drinking water.

That's great news.
H2FLOW is fluoride, right?

They think so. I'll double-check
with Tom, but I'm, like, 95% sure.

Well, look at us. Two people, who
are about to have zero jobs.

Weird, huh?

You and I, we always
land on our feet, right?

Uh-oh.

Guess who won
that plain blue t-shirt.

No way!
Look how blue it is!

Wow! Things are already looking up.
Yeah.

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