All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S06E04 - Doppelgängers (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

This is a historic day.
At 12:01 this morning,

the City of Eagleton
ceased to exist

and was re-absorbed
back into Pawnee.

Things are exactly the way
they were back in 1817.

Except, you know,
women and minorities can vote,

we have indoor toilets,

and we no longer burn widows
for learning arithmetic.

Councilwoman Knope
is your merger czar,

and in the binders
that she's provided,

you will find directions
to your department in Pawnee

that most closely matches
your department in Eagleton.

There are two Eagleton departments
Pawnee does not have,

the Department of
Infinity Pool Design

and the Department of Dressage,

which I am told is
a fancy horse-riding thing.

It is horse-dancing, madam.

Okay, take it easy, Alonzo.

All you horse-dancing people, sit
in your saddles if you will.

The rest of you, welcome
to your new departments.

- Attention, Eagleton is now
under martial law. - No.

Ripped By mstoll

Okay, Pawnee Parks Department,

soon, you will be
paired up with the person

who was roughly
your equivalent in Eagleton.

Donna, you'll be with Craig.

April, you'll be with
someone named Tynnyfer.

And Ron,
your guy is also named Ron.

Guess there's no Tom
Haverford equivalent.

Not surprised,
I'm one of a kind,

just like the custom
Nikes I designed

that say "Tommy's
Tootsies" across the toes.

You do have
a counterpart, actually.

His name is Eric,
and I've heard he's amazing.

Anyway, I also have
a little surprise.

I would like to
introduce our new filing temp.

Hey, everybody.
No!

No, why?
This can't be happening.

Why, Leslie?

We brought Jerry
out of retirement

because we have a mountain
of filing to get through.

Welcome back, Jerry Gergich.
Thank you, Leslie.

And as long as we're
starting out fresh,

Leslie, I was wondering if people
would call me by my real name.

Larry?
No, it's not Larry.

It's Jerry. No, it's Gary.

Your name is Larry,
Larry Gengurch.

His name is Larry Gengurch.

Come on, April,
it's already hard enough

for my family when
you call me "Gary."

Jerry.
Classic Larry.

Larry, Larry, Larry.
Jeez.

Look, I'm trying to save
as many jobs as possible,

but we're gonna have
to lose some people.

I'm not sure who we should keep.

April, Tom and Donna
are three of the best

human beings that
have ever lived.

Ron is basically a better
version of George Washington.

But the Eagletonians
are probably good too.

Today, we are not
just merging two towns.

We're throwing a birthday
party for a new city.

Happy birthday, New Pawnee.

Party's over.

You guys lost millions
of taxpayer dollars,

and we have to clean up
the obscene mess you've made.

You're not as nice
as the other guy.

I don't care.

When we were state auditors,
we had an amazing system.

Yeah, Chris pumped everyone up and
made them feel positive and happy.

And I swooped in and slashed
their budgets to ribbons.

Like a majestic alley-oop.

"You're all amazing!"

"You're all fired."

Teamwork.

Hi, you've reached the
voicemail of Larry Gengurch.

Please leave your
message after the tone.

Well, when Leslie called
to see if I could help,

Gayle and I were just getting on
a cruise ship to the Bahamas.

I said, "Gayle, put that bikini
away, because Pawnee needs me."

Somebody forgot
a banana in here.

Hi, I'm Donna.

Oh, that is the perfect name for you.
I love it. Never change it!

Wasn't gonna.
You're Craig, right?

Yes, but I hate that name.

It's so boring.
I sound like someone's cousin.

Craig! Craig!

I want to be a Spanish man named
Terrence, but that didn't happen.

Okay.
So here's my list of duties.

I'm basically
the office manager.

How about you? Oh, I did everything.
Everything!

I carried the Eagleton
department on my shoulders

for years, and I
loved every second of it.

You don't even know!

I'm sorry,
was your name Jennifer?

No, it's Tynnyfer with two y's.

I used to be Jennifer, but then
I decided to rebrand myself.

Wait, hang on.
It's Xanax o'clock.

Well, nice to meet you.
My name's April,

and I just wanted to say
that your dress is so cute

it's bonks.

I saw my spinning
instructor wearing it,

and I was like, "Shut up.
Where do I get that?"

Oh, my God. Who's your
spinning instructor?

Gregory or Wynona?

I go to Yonis.
Who are Gregory and Wynona?

I've never heard of them before.

Are they better?
Wynona rocks my world.

Seriously,
you need to get me in there.

Like, that's a must, must, must.

She's the worst
person I've ever met.

I want to travel
the world with her.

Ron.

Ron.

Last name?

Dunn.

Is that your name,

or are you telling me
you're finished talking?

Both.

Dunn and done.

I like Ron.

Hi.
Well, well, well.

You must be Eric.

I'm Ragiv from IT.
This is ERIC.

ERIC is a computer program?

Stands for Eagleton Reservation
Information Center.

It does all
the scheduling in Eagleton.

I'm here to install it.

But scheduling's
the main part of my job.

You still have a human being in
charge of booking tennis courts?

What is this, 1990?

I guess that explains the shoulder pads.

How did he notice these?

Hey, this is a surprise.

Yeah, I just wanted
to chat for a sec.

You know, just so you could
hear some things from me.

Verbal things from my mouth.
Did that sound weird?

Is everything okay?
Yeah, everything's fine.

First of all, this is Evelyn.

Oh, hello.

She is my Health Department
counterpart from Eagleton.

There really wasn't a ton
of work for me there.

Eagletonians are very healthy.

Oh, well, this might be a very
interesting challenge for you,

because Pawnee has the very
first documented case

of mega-diabetes.

And the only known occurrence

of Lou Gehrig's other disease.

We've been written
about in textbooks.

Thanks, Evelyn, I'll see
you back in my office.

I just need to talk some more
words into Leslie's face.

Nice to meet you.

Wow. I feel sorry for her.

I mean, nobody can
fill your shoes, Ann.

With your tiny little doll feet.

Actually, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.

I'm gonna step down,

and I'm gonna turn
my job over to Evelyn.

What? No.

Did somebody put you up to this?

Was it Evelyn?
I knew she was a monster.

No. No, no, no.

Chris and I have been talking,

and we are thinking very
seriously about leaving Pawnee

and moving somewhere else
to start our family...

Oh, my God, look at that.
It's waffles!

Delicious waffles.
Wait.

Should we try?
Yeah, let's try.

Huh?
Mmm.

Wait, what were you saying?
Try.

Just enjoy. Yeah.
There we go.

So, if I'm hearing
you correctly,

you're telling me you're not
thinking about leaving Pawnee.

I am thinking about leaving.

Is this one of those
classic Ann "not" jokes?

Like, "I'm leaving Pawnee...
Not!"

I don't do that. I was
hoping that you had started.

It's not definite. It's just
neither of us are from Pawnee.

And I have a whole
family in Michigan.

And Chris is missing
life in a bigger city.

And I just wanted

to talk to you about it
so you could hear it from me.

Do you hear that galloping?

Hmm?

Oh, my, look at that!

Joe Biden on a horse shirtless.

That's amazing!

Uh. I've got a ton of work to do.
I'm super busy, so you

can let yourself...

Look, if Ann wants to
leave Pawnee, I get it.

I mean, who wants to stay in
the greatest town in the world

with her best friend
and be happy forever

when she can abandon her
soul sister like an old shoe

and move to a garbage
city full of jerks.

I get it. No hard feelings.

- You have to text me.
- I will.

Sorry for the delay, ladies,

I was busy being
ambushed by treachery.

So did you have a chance to compare
notes on your respective duties?

Totally.

Tynny and I have been,
like, totally bonding.

We've just been like,
"Blah-blah-blah..."

Like, talking,
like, so much forever.

It was all so delicious.
I know, right?

This is, like,
the best day ever.

I know, I'm eating it all up.

Wow. It's nice to see
a friendship blossoming

instead of wilting away
like a dying turd flower.

Totes. We also came up with
these nicknames for each other.

Slut and Skank.

How craze-mazing is that, Lez?

Well, you know what I think
is craze-mazing? Commitment.

I'm looking for someone who's
in it for the long haul.

We are basically creating
a new version of Pawnee,

and if Pawnee is gonna commit
to one of you,

you need to commit to Pawnee.

Tynnyfer, do you have kids?

Ew. No.

I've had so much rejuvenation, I don't
think a baby could get out of there

if it tried.

You know it.

I guess we can make
a switch to Bermuda grass.

It's only 80 cents
more per square foot?

What? Gimme, gimme, gimme.

You want me to put Bermuda
grass in a continental climate

that's a six on
the Beaufort scale

in a park with zero drainage?

I want Kentucky bluegrass,
I want a 10% discount,

and I want you to apologize
to my best friend Donna!

Yeah, hi. Is there...
And I'm just guessing here.

...some kind of
medication that you maybe

need a lot of and have taken none
of or maybe too much of today?

I have a medical condition all right.
It's called caring too much!

And it's incurable!

Also I have eczema.

Okay, Eagleton Ron, tell me
a little about yourself.

Well, I love the outdoors,
love nature.

Amen.

I'm a big believer
in environmental conservation.

Recycling and
composting and the like.

I'm a yoga nut.
And I'm a nut nut.

They make delicious milks, man.

And I'm a vegan, of course.

Slowly working
towards full freegan-vegan.

What in God's name
is freegan-vegan?

You only eat vegetables

that have been thrown out
in people's dumpsters.

What is on your foot, sir?

My trusty sandals.

I believe a man's feet
should remain uncaged.

Same goes for all chickens.

Well,
Eagleton Ron,

we here in Pawnee value
loyalty above all else.

So would you be
opposed to signing

an official loyalty
pledge to our new town?

As long as that new town
were open to the ideals

of communal living, everyone
pitches in towards a common good.

In the immortal
words of Cat Stevens,

"If you want to
be free, be free."

I no longer like Ron.

ERIC is an amazing program.

Fast, fun and easy to use.

But there's one
thing no man or machine

can beat Tom Haverford at...

Talking mad trash
till I get what I want.

This guy Eric is a disaster.

What do you mean?
Just a bad attitude.

"Oh, I hate this place.
Get me outta here."

That kind of thing.
And unreliable.

And racist.

I think he may have
even been to jail.

Although, you know, maybe those
are just regular face tattoos.

Wow. That's not good.

I should probably talk to him.

Well, let me see if I
can turn him around.

I don't want to put
this on your plate.

You have a lot to deal with.

Thanks, Tom. You're the best.

Okay, let's take a look
at this list of assets

owned by
the Eagleton government.

400 Segway scooters.

Sell 'em. They're gone.

You had six full-time
baristas on the payroll.

The baristas are gone.

As are the masseurs.

And the full-time barista

who provided
coffee for the masseurs.

It is excellent having the old
band back together again.

You know what?

This calls for some
celebratory lunges.

One, two...

All right, Donna. There's gonna
have to be some cutbacks.

I mean, your job is secure,
of course.

You're basically
the glue of this department.

But I think
Craig's gonna have to go.

No, you should keep him.

He's crazy intense,
but I've never met anyone

who cares more about this job.

Donna, I'm right here.

No joke.
He might care more than you.

Honestly, if I had to choose
between him and me,

I'd choose him.
Wait, what are you saying?

Are you thinking about leaving?

I wasn't planning
on it, but I could.

You know, I got the condo in
Seattle, the fianc� in Denver.

Huh?
It won't last.

Leslie, I would be happy
to go back into retirement

if you have to cut the staff.

What? Even Larry wants out?

What the hell is happening here?

Does everybody think that running
a town is just some game

where people can come
and go as they please?

Okey-dokey, Leslie.
You're mad at me.

Don't take it out
on everybody else.

It's not fair.
I'll tell you what's not fair.

I'm gonna have to watch the
Oscars with Ben alone this year.

Last year, don't you remember Angelina
Jolie and the leg dress moment?

He had,
and I quote, "No comment."

How can you not have an extreme
reaction about a dress like that?

It just doesn't make any sense!

Okay, we need to talk.
I'm sorry, Ann.

I can't understand you.

You've developed some accent from
that new town you might move to!

It seems like no one around here

understands
the meaning of loyalty.

I am the merger czar.
I make the rules.

And I'm gonna teach people
the meaning of loyalty

in a language they will
understand, complicated legalese.

Knope, what are these contracts?

It's just a little
something that I drew up

for all the employees
of the new town.

Basic boilerplate language,

50-year commitment,
blah-blah-blah...

I'm so sorry,
honey, but Tynny and I

won't sign anything until we
speak with our life coach.

When Eric saw this, he smashed
a bunch of computers.

Why are you doing this?

What's the big deal?

I'm just trying to stop time with
legally-binding friendship contracts.

What part of that do
you not understand?

You have lost your mind.

I think you need a spa day, Lez.

Fine! You only have to
work here until I'm dead!

Is that better?

What in the name of all
that is holy is that smell?

Yerba mate tea

sweetened with stevia.

It's an all-natural
plant extract.

Shut your damn mouth.

No need to curse.
There most certainly is.

Okay, all Eagleton people meet
me in the conference room.

All Pawnee people,
sit at your desks.

And take it personally.

I kind of feel like we
got off on the wrong foot,

so I made unity cookies with the
Pawnee town's original colors

of blue and yellow.

However, I did not have yellow
frosting, so I had to use mustard.

But do not worry.

I put tons of sugar on them, so
it will even it out.

Mmm!

Sugar mustard.

That's awful
kind of you, Leslie,

but I'm afraid those are
a little too sweet for me.

I unhooked from that big sugar
train over 30 years ago.

You are a man of principle
and I respect that, cool Ron.

So, what's your story, new Ann?
You're kind of pretty.

I mean, you're not Ann pretty,
but you have potential.

Thank you, but I don't
work in this department.

Shut your kind of pretty mouth
and eat a mustard cookie.

Okay, so let's chit-chat.

Let's get to know each other and
then become familiar best friends.

I don't have time for this.

I'm halfway through
designing a bamboo gazebo

as a tribute to
the founders of Motown.

That's so Craig.

Oh, Craig!
We have fun, don't we?

Do you guys remember
when this all started

and I came in here
with the cookies,

and then Craig said
something so Craig

and we all laughed,
and we were like, "Craig!"

Do you think it would be weird
if we held hands?

Probably.
This way, please.

Excuse me, Ron, I am talking
to my best friends.

Let me go!
Best friends, attack Ron!

Ben, it has been an honor
watching you work today.

It's been like
watching Leonardo work.

Da Vinci or DiCaprio.
You're that good.

Thanks, man.
I was in the zone today.

This really has
been a lot of fun.

The old juice is back!

Hey, should we keep this going?

Celebratory dinner,
just like the old days?

Ben, that's a great idea.
Hey, you know what?

I know who I'm gonna use
to calculate tax and tip.

Me?

Can I just say something? I'm
having so much fun right now.

Oh, my God, me too.
Like, so much fun.

Can I just say something,
though?

Yeah.
Okay.

You don't want this job.

Seriously,
this place is the pits.

It's like, if you worked here,
you'd be like, "Ugh!"

And Leslie would be like,
"Blah-blah-blah."

And you'd be like, "Uh..."

Okay, can I say something?

Right now, I totally
think that you're right,

and I had been thinking about
going someplace warm

while my husband is in jail.

Oh, my God!
Can I just say something?

Yes!
Okay.

You should totally stay
in my house in Miami.

What?
I'm serious.

Come by anytime.
Just let yourself in.

The gate kind of jams sometimes,
but you can just jump it.

You are so amazing right now.

You're like
skinny Mother Teresa.

It's Dwyane Wade's house.

I got his address
off the Internet.

I really hope he's
there when she walks in

and he throws
a basketball at her head.

Okay, enough is enough.

What is wrong with you, woman?

I don't need to
explain myself to you!

I am the czar.
I can do as I please.

Those who cross the czar
feel the wrath of the czar!

Ann is thinking
about leaving Pawnee.

Moving, with Chris.

Well, that's nice.

Nice, Ron?
Edible arrangements are nice.

This is
volcanically hot betrayal!

She is my best friend! She's thinking
about leaving, just like that!

And she wants to
talk to me about it?

It's like, I don't
even know what to say.

That you love her and you
understand that it's her life,

and geography will never
change your feelings.

Whatever.
I don't even need her.

I've got Tynnyfer now and Craig

and Eric, the racist drug
dealer who I've yet to meet.

Those are my real friends.

You can't force friendship, Leslie.
It takes time.

I once thought I had a friend.

Then it turned out he was the single
worst person I have ever met.

I agree with Ron, Leslie.

It's like Moz once said.

"Hold on to your friends."

Morrissey. The Smiths.

You don't know Meat Is Murder?

It's one of
the best songs ever written

about industrialized
beef consumption.

Okay, Eagleton Ron. I think it
might be time for you to go.

This Ron has the position
pretty much locked up,

and I don't think we have any
room for you in our department.

Fair enough.

I should have seen it.

Taurus and Capricorns
never mix, do they?

Just remember, Ron. Giving in to
hate is like drinking saltwater.

The thirst only grows worse.

Leslie, remove this man before I
commit an act of violence against him.

Whatever you do,
I won't fight back.

After I defeated him in an
epic struggle, ERIC is gone.

He's been replaced by T.O.M.,

Townwide Organizational Matrix.

Big plans tonight, Craig?

No, I have a ton of work to do.

Plus, my DVR is 13 months pregnant
with episodes of Scandal.

Scandal's my favorite show.

I love every character,
except for...

Mellie.

Of course you like Scandal!

Because you're amazing!
I love you.

And no matter what
happens with this job,

I will always love you.

Excuse me! Who even are you?

How's your salad?

Well, it's called
the Good Earth Salad,

but really, it's just cheese,
toffee, and gummy bear worms.

This town is really unhealthy.

You know, I forgot that this
part of being Accounting Bros

was actually pretty depressing.

I mean, after the intense,
almost meth-like high

of solving accounting puzzles,

we were always just beat
at the end of the day.

I actually think
it's something else.

Back in the day,
this was all we had.

We'd go into a town,
we'd fix problems.

We'd go back to
some rundown motel.

Yeah, you'd exercise.
I'd re-watch Twin Peaks,

then hit the Twin Peaks
message boards

and read The Secret
Diary of Laura Palmer

to find Easter eggs I'd missed.

But now, Ann and Leslie
are our real partners.

Yeah. It's a good thing.

But you were a fine surrogate
before we found them.

Just so you know,
we're thinking of moving.

Don't know where yet. Maybe
Michigan, to be with Ann's family.

Wow.
That makes me kind of sad.

But also incredibly
happy for you and Ann.

We have come a long way.

Something healthy!
A cherry tomato.

Nope. A gumball.

Ew.

What I really want
to say is I'm sorry.

You're my best friend. This whole
thing is just scary and confusing.

I love you.

I want to talk about this, all
of this, whatever it means.

Was that okay?

I guess it's good. Again,
I barely know you or Ann,

so I don't have
much to go off of.

Well...
Hey, Leslie.

Hey. You are excused,
fake Ann.

That was six hours well spent.
I thank you.

Looks like you've
made all your decisions.

Well, almost.

What were you
talking to Evelyn about?

Nothing. It's not important.

The only thing
that's important is you.

I'm ready to talk about this.

I want to talk about this.

Is now a good time?

Yes. Now is a great time.

Ripped By mstoll