All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S05E21 - Swing Vote (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Hey. What the hell is this?

I'm guessing it's my latest
budget cut proposal,

based on your rage sweat.

First of all,
lam rage glowing.

Second,
you want to cut funding

for the Pawnee
Palms Public Putt-Putt?

What did the PPPPP
ever do to you?

Ron is very anti-government,
and he has that philosophy.

But there are just certain
things that you don't cut.

Schools. Police. Mini-golf.

Merry-go-rounds. Parades. Gazebo repair.
Roads and bridges. Whatever.

Pretty gardens.
Hummingbird feeders.

I believe in cutting
useless government projects.

I also believe in
cutting useful projects,

future projects,
and past projects.

The Hoover Dam is a travesty.

You also believe
in making furniture.

Why don't you go
solder a chair instead?

Do you expect me
to make a chair

out of transistor
chips and small wires?

Look, the defunding
of the mini-golf course

is on the agenda for the city
council meeting tomorrow.

I'm sure you'll argue against
it with your trademark vigor.

Oh, I will argue.
And I'm going to win.

That Putt-Putt is going to be around forever.
And when I am done with it,

it will attract more visitors
than the Hoover Dam.

And it will produce double
the amount of electricity.

How?
I'll figure it out.

It already has windmills.
Who cares?

Councilmen. I have something to
discuss with you. But before I do,

can I just point out how handsome
the both of you look today?

Yeah, I know.
Oh, I feel very ill.

Okay. Well, tomorrow,
we are voting

on funding for
the mini-golf course.

And personally, I think it is great for
families, it's a great job creator,

and it's extremely cute.

I'm wondering which way
you two are leaning.

Uh, last time I was there,
I saw kids of all races,

getting along and playing.
It was terrible.

So, I'm voting
to get rid of it.

At least you have
a good reason.

Well, Howser is with me.
Milton is with Dexhart.

Jeremy,
you're the swing vote.

What do you think?
Hmm.

Well, on the one hand, I love
cutting government programs.

On the other hand,
mini-golf rules.

And on the third hand, I hate
both you and Ron Swanson.

So, this one
could go either way.

I'm kind of
a badass wild card.

Hey, what are you
doing tonight?

More like
who am I doing.

(CHUCKLES)

No one. I'm free.
What's up?

(BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

Can I get two beers and an ice
water for my friend here?

Designated driver.

I am? You drove here.

Ah, it's too late, bro.
I already ordered the water.

I don't know what
you want me to do.

Andy and I just closed a big donation
to the Redwood Music Program.

A charity he discovered. So, I suggested
we all go out for a celebratory drink.

And somehow, I just ended up
becoming the designated driver.

And paying for everyone. And I
didn't get to choose the bar.

I should be more assertive.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

The band is moving me tonight.
It's really good.

Really? They sound
kind of crappy to me.

Kind of sounds like
one of your songs, babe.

Well, you know what? Mouse Rat
has a lot of influence on

some of the local
high school bands.

Mostly because Chang buys them
beer and what-not.

Wait. Andy,
this is a Mouse Rat song.

That's my band. I didn't
recognize us without me

because I'm the only
one that matters.

Thank you, everyone.
We are Rat Mouse.

Rat Mouse? Rat bastard.
They're playing without me?

That's a song I wrote!

Hey, baby. Can I borrow
your car for a month?

I already lent
you my car.

Do you not know
where my car is?

Ugh! I'm so sick of the third degree.
It's like dating a cop.

I'm gassy.
Let's make out.

What?

Yeah. Move aside.

Dating Mona-Lisa is awesome. Except that
I live in constant fear for my life.

So, I guess it's time
to do the mature thing

and have someone else
dump her for me.

Uh, Perkins, sit down.
I just heard that you and

Traeger might be
getting back together.

Yeah. It's funny, right?

I mean, we're already planning
on having a baby together.

We're not quite a couple,
but...

Yeah, cool, congrats.
Listen, I need your help.

My girlfriend is crazy.

You say that about every girl you date.
You said that about me.

Calm down, Ann.
You're proving my point.

Seriously,
Mona-Lisa is legit insane.

She almost jumped
out of a moving car

to buy a Nicki Minaj poster. Can
you break up with her for me?

I'm not going to
dump a girl for you.

I'll give you that chenille
blanket of mine you love so much.

Deal.
Ugh!

But that's my
favorite blankie.

Won't you do it for free?
Nope.

Fine.

(sums)

Yeah, dead ringer for Courtney Thorne Smith.
She works at the gas station.

Okay, I need to have Jamm
fall in love with this place.

So, I'm rolling out the red carpet.
I need you to stay upbeat,

keep things light.
Absolutely.

I can be a sort of...

Conversational lubricant.

Yeah, there's probably a less
gross way to say it. But, sure.

CHRIS: I love being a caddy.

(LAUGHS) It's so much more
than just carrying clubs.

It's about offering
positive reinforcement.

I consider myself a caddy
to everyone in my life.

Nice shot!

Great sweeping.

Way to be, duck.

Councilman,
nice putter.

Oh, thank you very much.

Some fat Hawaiian guy
left it in my waiting room.

When he came back,
I was all like,

"Oh, uh, yeah. Yeah, I haven't seen it.
I don't know." (LAUGHS)

Classic.
(LAUGHS)

What a great and funny story.

Okay. Before we start,
anybody want a hot dog?

Hot dogs? You know I have irritable
bowel syndrome, you racist.

Yikes. Okay.
How about a snow cone? On me.

Hello, Councilman.

Chris. Leslie. Snow Cone Lady.

I see you're about to play a round
of publicly-subsidized mini-golf.

Mind if I join you?

Well, hello, Burly. Chang.

Hey, man. What's up?

I was just over at the bar,

enjoying a wonderful night
with my co-workers,

who all talked about
how awesome I was.

And I look up,
and what do I see?

A band. But you're missing something.
Like, oh, I don't know,

your lead singer/songwriter!
tee-shirt designer/nacho chef.

What's up?

First of all,
your nachos are terrible.

No one's had
the guts to tell you.

Why don't you
melt the cheese?

(SCOFFS) We tried to tell
you about the show, man.

I called your cell,
like, 20 times.

Well, I dropped my cell phone in a
bowl of cereal last week, you idiot.

You bother to call me,
you'd have known that.

Maybe you should change your name
to Burly and the Backstabbers.

That's a pretty
good name, actually.

Yeah, he's really good
at coming up with names.

Get me a Budweiser
Black Crown.

You guys got Black Crown here?
If not, you should.

Ron, are you going
to be joining us?

I won't be playing.

I'm simply here to
remind Councilman Jamm

that this ridiculous
play palace

costs the taxpayers
thousands of dollars a year.

What a bargain. I mean,
kids love it, adults love it,

Jamm loves it.
Everybody loves it.

It's, like,
the Toy Story 3 of places.

Yeah, she's right, Swanson.
I do love it.

You should relax a little. Have a snow cone.
Leslie's buying all night.

You don't say.
She's buying you snow cones,

and tomorrow,
you're voting on an issue

that she cares about.

Hey. Guys. What, are we going
to stand around all day

and listen to Ron spout off
unrelated facts about... (MUMBLES)

Or are we going to play?
Game on.

Hey, everybody. Great news. They
gave us free Mylar balloons.

I got dibs on
the dinosaur.

And the pirate and the dolphin.
I want all of them.

You got them.
Sweet.

The Councilman is away.
Good luck to you both.

Luck has nothing to
do with it, Chris.

Yeah, I can be a pro.

Wow, you are on fire, Jeremy.
Having fun?

Mmm-hmm. I think this proves
that this is a wonderful place

that brings joy
to people's lives

and brings
the community together.

It's also a place that costs the
taxpayer $9,000 in annual subsidies.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

You guys sound like school.

I have two important pieces
of caddy information.

Councilman Jamm
leads by eight strokes.

And you are both about
to set a course record.

For friendship.
On to the next hole.

You are pandering
to get a vote.

And worse,
you're deliberately losing.

I am not deliberately losing.
I'm having a very off night.

Losing on purpose
is a form of lying.

You're only as
good as your word.

You want a word, Ron?
I have a word for you.

I will do anything I can
to get Jamm's vote

so that he will
keep this course open

and it will be good
for the community.

Stop. I know it's more than one word.
Shut up.

(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

Hi. Mona-Lisa? Hi. I'm Ann Perkins.
I used to date Tom.

Oh, okay. We can do this.
But I will bite you.

Is that a screwdriver? No, I
do not want to fight. No.

Okay.

I just want to talk
to you woman to woman.

Because I know
Tom pretty well.

Do you know his ATM pin?

Because I cannot crack
that little bitch's code.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I don't. You know what
used to drive me nuts?

He is a total control freak.

I mean, you have to
put a coaster down

on every surface.
And the worst part is,

they're all made out of pictures
from Diddy's lnstagram.

Diddy's on lnstagram?
How did I not know

that Diddy was on lnstagram,
you jagweeds?

Who are you yelling at?

The jagweeds.

Why are you
still in front of me?

I'm done with that band. I mean,
I'm an adult now. You know?

I work two part-time jobs.
Hello.

I don't need the stress
of playing guitar

with my friends
every few weeks.

Yeah. Plus, look how bad they are without you.
Burly is terrible.

He actually has a really beautiful voice.
For a backup singer.

Right. That's what I meant.

I love Andy, but to be perfectly honest,
Mouse Rat's music is not my thing.

I really only listen to,
like, German Death Reggae

and Halloween Sound Effects
records from the 1950s.

And Bette Midler,
obviously.

You know what?
I'm retiring from music.

Andy. Andy.

Done. But not without, first,
a monster farewell performance

solo on this stage tonight.

Everybody, I'm going to show these
idiots what a big mistake they made.

I need a piece of paper,
I need a pen,

I need four more beers,
I need a computer fan,

I need a lightning bolt of inspiration.
It's songwriting time.

What do you need
a computer fan for?

Sometimes, when you use
a computer, it gets hot.

And the fan cools it down.

You know, I think it's
great that you're cool

with Tom's
financial situation.

What are you talking about? Tommy
owns his own business. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, but he had to borrow
a lot of money, and...

When you're not around,
Tom drinks tap water.

What?

Excuse me.
You're broke?

Uh, yeah. Super broke.
Are you upset about that?

Mmm, yeah. Because I
don't F with poor-sies.

But thanks to a warning from my new
best friend, I don't have to. Okay?

We're done. You're awesome.

And I don't even usually like
Puerto Rican chicks.

I'm not... I mean, it
shouldn't matter, but I am...

You're breaking up with me?
Oh, man, that sucks.

That's right.
It's over. Let's go dance.

(QUIETLY) Help.

Ugh! I cannot catch a break.

You better find
your stroke, Knope.

Guys, I'm going to
let Julie go home.

It's getting late, and Jeremy
has eaten all the syrup.

Thank you. It's been an honor
working alongside you.

Thanks. JAMM: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.

Snow cones are half the fun.

Yeah. Julie,
could you stay, please?

I have calculus homework. I...

Oh, well, math is
worthless in real life.

I mean, there's an app for calculating tips.
That's all you need.

Math is very important. Especially
for young women. Stay in school.

I've made my point.
Leslie has made hers.

Which way are you voting,
Councilman?

Uh, well, I'm kind of still on the
fence about this budget thing.

But I do love watching you
guys squabble over me.

You sure make a guy
feel like a real lady.

Weird.

All right, how about this?

You two play each other.
Nine holes.

Winner gets my vote.

I'm game. Ron?

An athletic competition where both
parties are competing their hardest

is certainly more honorable
than whatever this charade is.

A sudden death playoff, on the very
course that hangs in the balance.

I could literally faint if I didn't
have impeccable blood pressure.

(CRACKS KNUCKLES)

Oh, hey, everybody.
My name is Andy Dwyer.

You probably know me
as the artist formerly

known as the lead
singer of Mouse Rat.

Well, after tonight, you'll only
know me as the former artist

formerly known
as the lead singer

of Mouse Rat.
I'm retiring from music.

This is my swan song.

(SINGING)
Once, there was a golden swan

A swan of a man
Now, that swan's name was Andy

And he started
a rock and roll band

He made incredible nachos

That everybody
claimed they loved

And then,
the bandmates dicked him over

With a massive
rock and roll shove

This is my swan song
Watch me fly

Tom.
What happened to you?

Mona-Lisa happened to me.
She covered me in glitter

and Anna Nicole body spray. Why
do they still even make that?

They don't. She's had the
same bottle for years.

She just mixes in
water and baby oil.

Now, it's your turn
to help me.

Okay, you need to break things
off with me and Mona-Lisa.

Uh... Ann, this might be a battle
you need to fight yourself.

I try not to get involved in other
people's personal relationships.

Ah! Don't hurt me!

Get me out of
this friendship.

I'm going to find a place where
I can be the beautiful duckling

I always was inside

Whoa

Whoa

Ah

Ah...

Why is there a gorilla guarding
this gingerbread house?

Because mini golf is awesome. It's cute
and it's fun and it needs to be saved.

Less talk.
More competing for my vote.

(BELL DINGS)

Wow.

This is it. Ron leads by one. If he
hits the ball into the dragon's mouth,

he gets Jamm's vote.

Uh, bean sprouts. Tofu. Uh, Ralph Nader.
Ayn Rand is a terrible writer.

Don't mess up. Don't mess up.
Don't mess up.

Damn it!

Hole-in-one. Excellent win, Ron.
Even better loss, Leslie.

Ultimately, we learn the most about
ourselves through the losses.

Swanson, I hate you.
Nothing will change that.

But I respect the hell
out of your short game.

You got my vote, hombre.

Hey, you got
a hole in one on 18,

so I'm supposed
to give you this.

No. He gets the dragon, too?

A fine trophy. I think
I'll keep it in the office.

No, you won't. Here, kid.
Want this? Huh?

Yeah.
Take it. Run. Run.

Tom. She's coming. Tom.

Okay. Desperation time.
Follow my lead.

What lead? What do you mean?
What do you... Oh!

What the mother F-ing C-ing S-ing
F-ing K-ing F is going on right now?

Sorry, Mona-Lisa. We can't
keep our hands off each other.

That is accurate.

Oh, it's all
finally very clear.

All the times
that you were like,

"Oh, no, Tom is
no good for you,"

and all the times you tried to break
it off with me? I finally get it.

Mmm-hmm.

You guys want a threesome.

What? No. We do not want
to have a threesome with you.

Well, let's not rush to judgment.
I mean, I say we hear her out.

Gross. Tom, good luck.
You still owe me a blanket.

(LAUGHING) Whoa! She's got
a screw loose, am I right?

Actually, she's not the one in
my life I would call crazy.

Look, I still don't
think we should date.

Oh, me, neither. I've been single for
an hour now and it's the tits. (LAUGHS)

I'd still like
to hook up though.

Yo.

Do you want to have
a threesome with us?

Yeah, okay.

Cool.
Sweet.

All right. Yo, what up?
My name's Mona-Lisa.

Well, hello, fellow employees.
Co-workers. I bid you adieu.

Whoa. Fancy Andy.

Oh, me? No. This is
just how I dress now.

Funny, goofball, music Andy
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) is gone.

You're left with the professional remains.
I'm an adult now.

I'm going to focus on business.
Which is good.

Give me more time
to play video games.

Babe, you love that band.
That I also love so much.

They're important to you.

Come on. Call Burly and ask
them to let you back in.

Why, so they can
steal my Swan Song?

Ha, joke's on them.
I forgot it.

No. Business is my life now.

Okay. What's in there?

I don't know.
It's locked.

Yeah. That's my briefcase.

Is it?

Good gravy.
Oh, hello, Ron.

I believe you
know this gorilla.

It used to bring joy to
hundreds of Pawnee families.

But then, you got rid of
its habitat, so it died.

Your office shall
serve as its monkey tomb.

How much did you
pay for this?

Irrelevant. I would pay any amount
of money to properly shame you.

Leslie, you should know by now
that I live my life

according to a certain
set of principles.

And I do not
deviate from them.

Right. I mean, God forbid
you're flexible in any way.

You should just stick to your stupid,
rigid, anti-government principles.

But you know what?
Those principles stink.

They're not
the right principles.

You may think so.
I do not.

Thank you for my new silverback friend.
I like him very much.

I will call him "$9,000 of
Taxpayer Money, The Gorilla."

That is a terrible...
His name is Mr. Fuzzyface.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Hey. How did your wild, dirtbag
fantasy night work out?

Well, Mona-Lisa and the random
girl she grabbed after you left

got into a fistfight
in the parking lot.

Eventually, Mona-Lisa threw a cinder
block through the girl's windshield.

She dives in, steals her purse,
doesn't go for the money,

steals all her birth
control pills, and says,

"Bitch, you're
going to get pregnant."

She then pretends
those are Ecstasy

and sells it to
a bunch of college kids

that are drinking Goldschlager
at a gas station.

You have to break up with her.

I tried. Again.
It did not go well.

Did she assault you?

No. This was a sexual injury.

Okay, gross.

Anyway, here's
your chenille blanket.

You earned it.
Thanks for your help.

Tom. Thank you.
Ah!

Be nice to Chenille O'Neal.
I will.

It needs to be
brushed regularly.

Never use a lint roller.
I'm dead serious.

Okay. And keep it out
of direct sunlight.

If I see this
at one picnic...

Okay, you know what?
I don't even want it anymore.

Yes! Thank you!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

What's up, Yellow Head?

Jamm. Are you here
to rub it in my face

that I lost your
vote last night?

Well, I was. But it doesn't
have to go down that way.

You shook Ron's hand
and told him that you

are going to vote to
close the Putt-Putt.

My word is garbage.

Everyone knows that.
Let's talk a deal.

What can you offer
me to change my mind?

Wow, Jamm. Even for you,
this is pretty sleazy.

Hey, don't act so shocked.
A few months ago,

you traded me your office for
that stupid swimming pool bill.

Last night, you bring in a teenage
girl to pump me full of snow cones.

This is simply how
people like us operate.

I have six things
to say to you.

One, you drive me nuts
with your rigid code of honor.

Two, congratulations.
Putt-Putt has been defunded,

and only because Jamm was
going to double-cross you

and I made him
stick to his word.

Three, I am furious that
Putt-Putt has been defunded.

Four, I am sorry that I said the
gorilla's blood was on your hands.

'Twas Leslie killed the beast.

Five, Putt-Putt is for children
and they are the future

and I have already
written a ballot measure

that will save it
and it will pass.

And six, your rigid code of
honor, which drives me nuts,

makes you
a wonderful human being

and I am proud to
call you my friend

and don't ever change.

You want a drink?

Very much.

Burly. I just want
to say I'm sorry.

That I haven't
been to rehearsal,

and that I won't let
you sing or write songs

or walk out on
stage in front of me.

I love playing
with you guys

and I want back in.
If you'll let me.

Well, we never wanted
to kick you out.

It's just, you didn't show up for
practice, and we like to play.

Right.

If you want to
come back in, you can.

I'm more of
a backup singer, anyways.

You can say that again.

No, hey.
You've got a great voice.

Yeah, Ben.
God. Don't say that.

Welcome back, buddy.
Yes.

(LAUGHS) All right.

Hey, I'll even try melting
the cheese on the nachos.

All right.

It won't work. You're going
to look like such an idiot.

I have been in the city
council for almost a year.

And I'm proud of
what I've done.

But every once in a while, I end up in a
situation that makes my stomach queasy.

You're in politics.
What did you expect?

Frankly, I hoped it would
be like dealing with you.

People with strong opinions
hashing it out respectfully.

And then, you either
realize that I'm right

or you get hungry
and go home and I win.

There are a lot of Jeremy Jamms
along the path you're walking.

I suppose you just need to
figure out whether that's a path

you truly want to walk.

Yeah.

I'm taking that gorilla
with me and putting it

back in the Putt-Putt
when it re-opens.

Sorry, no.

That gorilla was
a gift from a very

determined coworker
whom I respect.

And there's a certain code of honor
that accompanies gift-giving.

God, you're the worst.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to Mouse Rat's reunion show.

Featuring me, Andy Dwyer, and, for the
first time, Andrew "Burly" Burlenson

on lead vocals. That's right.
Two lead vocalists.

Name one other
band that's done that.

The Beatles!

Three, four!

(SINGING) Well, I know
we had bad times

But we had good times, too