All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S05E15 - Correspondents Lunch (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Well, the honeymoon was amazing.
We saw the bus stop

where a young Barack Obama used
to sit and wait for the bus.

Theoretically.
It's possible.

Then, we went and visited
Honolulu City Hall.

(GASPS) Shut up.
I know.

Oh, my God. What was it like?
It was amazing.

Well, it looked amazing.
But it was closed.

Oh, my God. Bummer.

Okay, I have presents.

Um...

Chris, we got you
an acai tree.

Because the acai berry
is a super food.

And a super gift.

Donna, we got you some coffee
because you said, and I quote,

"I like my coffee like I like my men.
Dark, rich, and full-bodied."

Yes, indeed.

Ann, we got you some very
rare Hawaiian fertility tea.

Guaranteed to help you have a baby.
That's so nice.

Where did you find that?

Well, the bus boy
at our restaurant,

um, told us about a guy who
we met in a parking lot.

And then, he had a backpack
full of this stuff.

And I'm just realizing
now that it's not tea

and I'm going
to throw it away.

BEN: Ron, this is the
Hawaiian God of Anger.

It reminded us of you
when you're at work.

A handsome gentleman.

LESLIE: We did not forget Jerry.
Right, right, right.

We got Jerry some ear
buds and a bag of peanuts

and a SkyMall catalog.

Same thing you got me from
your trip to Washington.

Tom, we got you an autographed
portrait of your personal hero.

(GASPS) No way! Scott Caan
from Hawaii Five-0?

April, as requested, we threw that
box you gave us into that volcano.

Thank you.

Andy, as you
requested,

we got you a three-pack of
white T-shirts from Target.

Thank you.
All mine are dirty.

Thank you, Hawaii.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(JERRY LAUGHS)

Thank you so much.
It's great to be here

at the Pawnee
Correspondents' Lunch.

There are so many wonderful,
talented journalists here.

Also here are some reporters
from the Pawnee Sun.

(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh!

Oh, hey, hey.
I love the Pawnee Sun.

Some people say that
it's a useless tabloid,

but I don't think
it's useless.

I think it's great for
housebreaking puppies.

(ALL LAUGH)

lam prepping for the Pawnee
Correspondents' Lunch.

It's an annual affair

where the media and the
government roast each other.

My number one target?
The Pawnee Sun.

Three hundred and sixty four days a
year, they rake me over the coals.

Today, I take
those burning coals,

I shove them back
down their throats,

and I watch
their melting flesh

drip off their
worthless faces.

It's all in good fun.

Okay, I need
more jokes, people.

Ben is having his first day at
work, so he cannot help me,

so I need you guys
to pick up the slack.

I have a joke for you.
Okay.

The government in
this town is excellent

and uses your tax
dollars efficiently.

(GIGGLING)

That's not really a joke.

I disagree.
I find it hilarious.

Ann Perkins.

Hey, Chris. Got to run to a meeting.
With Ron.

Great idea. I'll run
to my next meeting.

Sorry.
The door was open.

I wish this office
had only walls.

Chris broke up with his
girlfriend a week ago,

and I have decided to ask him
to be the father of my baby.

Except, I cannot work
up the nerve to do it.

Turns out they don't
make greeting cards

for asking your ex-boyfriend if he
will artificially inseminate you.

Actually, Ron, I could use your
advice on how to be blunt and honest.

I want my friend to
do something for me,

and I don't know
how to ask him.

What do you want
him to do?

Plant ficuses.

In my front yard.

Grossest metaphor ever.

I've seen your house.

You'd have more success if he
planted ficuses in your backyard.

No, I don't think so.

Anyway, what if he thinks
I'm asking too much of him?

And I ask him to plant the
ficuses, and he doesn't want to,

and then he gets weird about it
and it ruins our friendship.

Then, plant the damn
ficuses yourself.

(SIGHS) I wish
that were possible.

We are so excited
to have you working with us

here at the all new
Sweetums Foundation.

This is your office.

This is incredible.

And look at that art.

Ah, yes. My late husband. He
was so decrepit. (LAUGHS)

BEN: I really like
helping people.

Running the new Sweetums Foundation
charity allows me to do that

and work in an office
with more mahogany wood

than currently remains
in the Amazon Rainforest.

So, win-win.

Except for the rain forest.

I need you to select your
first charity by tomorrow.

Sweetums' public image is
currently at an all-time low.

Yeah. There's even
a rumor going around

that the chocolate
is made of rat parts.

(LAUGHS) Well, you know what
they say about rumors. Yeah.

They're mostly true.

Including the rat thing? Yeah.

What are you going to do? It's
where all the flavor comes from.

(GROANS) Would you look at that?
There is a smudge on my tail.

Ugh!

All better.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
the Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch,

where politicians and the
media make fun of each other.

But if you ask me, they should
be making fun of the food.

I am not the cook!
(ALL LAUGH

Well, well, well. If it isn't Kim
Terlando from the Pawnee Sun.

Do you happen to
have a can opener?

Because I'm about
to open this on you.

Did you make that can of
whoop-ass for this exact moment?

Yeah. I came prepared.

I'd expect nothing less.
Good luck with your speech.

Oh, yeah, my speech
doesn't need your luck.

It needs a Surgeon
General's warning,

because it's so
harmful to your health.

Oh, look. It has one.

That's how ready I am.

I'm glad
you're so confident.

Nice to see you.
Nice to see you, too.

Chris, can I talk
to you for a second?

Absolutely. I cannot wait.
One second.

Excuse me, sir? I think I
accidentally got the meat option.

Yeah, and I got
the veggie option.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep.
My ex-girlfriend.

It seems like you and I
have a classic "mix-em-up".

Yeah. Fancy
meeting you here.

This isn't awkward for you, is it?
Chris, it's okay.

You want to switch? I'm starving.
Definitely.

Whoa! Check out the new digs.
This place is insane.

Thanks for coming, guys. I'm super
swamped and I need your help.

Pass.

You came down here
to pass on helping me?

Yeah, I wanted to see what your
face looked like when I said no.

It was totally worth it.

Andy, are you okay?
I'm fine.

It's just that
life is pointless

and nothing matters
and I'm always tired.

Also, I can't sleep,
I'm over-eating,

and none of my old
hobbies interest me.

Ever since Andy failed
the Police Academy exam,

his self-esteem
has hit rock bottom.

He's always
sad and sweaty.

He's usually happy
and sweaty.

I have to pick our first
charity by tomorrow,

and there's
a million applications.

Can you guys help me
sort them out?

You know what?
This sounds like fun, babe.

Come on. Let's help him.
It will be fun.

Well, it sounds like
you guys got it covered.

I'm going to head out. I actually
have my own charity to tend to.

Tommy's Tummy Foundation.

Yeah, well, they bring
me fancy lunches here.

If you stay,
you can have some.

What? Crab? Caviar? On behalf
of Tommy's Tummy Foundation,

I'm happy to accept
this generous donation.

Please welcome
Kim Terlando.

Thank you, Martin.

It's nice to be here among all
of these excellent journalists.

And also the people that work
with me over at the Pawnee Sun.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Damn it.
That was my opener.

Now, I love working
at the Sun. Okay?

I know you all think it's just a
useless tabloid, but it's not.

It is great for
housebreaking puppies.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, my God. Those are my jokes.
She's stealing my jokes.

Some people say that the Sun
has a problem with the truth.

There's no problem.
We just ignore it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Jerry, stop laughing.
Those are stolen jokes.

I'm totally dead.
What am I going to do?

Oh! I just opened up a can
of whoop-ass on myself.

I remember the very first
Correspondents' Lunch.

I rode here in
a horse and buggy.

(ALL LAUGHING)

No, no, no. That wasn't
a joke. I actually did.

(ALL LAUGHING)

That also is not a joke.

Ron, Kim told all my jokes.
All of them!

She must have gotten
a copy of my speech.

Did anybody lose their copy?
ALL: Nope.

Right here.
Mine's right here.

(COUNCILMAN MILTON
CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Aw, geez.

Go stand in the corner and
think about what you've done.

And no dessert!

I need new material,
and it needs to be great.

And it needs to knock
people on their butts.

And it needs to transcend
the genre of roast comedy.

Perkins, go.
Oh, wow. Um...

Okay, so. Councilman
Milton is old, right?

And he's wearing a green tie, so
maybe there's something there

where he went to school
with his high school buddies

that were dinosaurs, and his tie
is green, and they're green.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, Ann, you're too beautiful to be funny.
It's not your fault.

You've never had to
compensate for anything.

The rest of you ugly nerds need
to give me some jokes stat.

ANDY: Ben?

Ben?

Yeah, Andy.

I think I might have found something
that's actually pretty cool.

Okay, well, just put it aside
and I'll read it later.

No. Andy found it, and he's going
to tell you about it right now.

Go, babe.

Uh, it's the Redwood
Music Program.

It's an after-school music
class for at-risk kids.

It will keep them
off the street.

Whoa! And the streets, as
you know, are dangerous.

Example, I fell in a sewer grate once.
I was there all day.

In conclusion, we cannot let our
children live in the sewer any longer.

Redwood Music Program.
Go. Your Honor. Amen.

That's a great idea.
Yeah.

Anyone else come across
anything good? Tom?

Um, yeah.
I've got a good one.

It's called
The Clean Sheet Foundation.

That's my pick.

They provide legal assistance to the KKK.
This is your pick?

Yeah. Can you pass
the hon-buns'?

Perd Hapley
is here today.

Or as Perd would say,

”My name is Perd Hapley, and
the person I see here today

"is me." (LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGHING)

Everyone seems to
be laughing now.

Do you see what is happening
with Chris and Shauna?

They are flirting like crazy.

It's disgusting.
They're in public.

That's called
a conversation.

Ron, there are
no ficuses. Okay?

I wanted to ask Chris
to be the father of my baby.

Good God.

And the metaphor you chose was
"planting ficuses in your front yard"?

I was going to wait until
he was single to ask him,

but now, he's flirting
with Shauna again.

What do I do?

It's been nice
talking to you.

What?

Maybe I should
just do impressions.

(FOREIGN ACCENT)
"I am Borat." There's one.

But I need to do someone
that no one has heard before.

Like, I don't know,
Neve Campbell?

What does Neve
Campbell sound like?

I don't know.

Someone (BLEEP) tell me what
Neve Campbell sounds like.

Just keep it short and get
the hell out of there.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Thank you.

Our next guest
has asked me to read this.

Oh, no. Oh, no. I forgot I did this.
Joan.

”Strap on your
adult diapers, everyone,

”because you're about to wet
yourself from laughter."

Give it up for Leslie Knope.

(APPLAUSE)

What's up, Pawnee?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Um...

Borat.

(SCATTERED CHUCKLING)

Well, that's my time.
They're giving me the light.

So, uh... [did great.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

MARTIN: Thank you,
Leslie Knope.

You know what they say.
Drama is hard.

And sometimes, comedy is not
in our wheelhouse.

(WHIRRING)

Tom, do you have to
run that right now?

Oh, no, Ben. These smoothies
will just blend themselves.

(BLENDER STOPS)

Okay.
(BLENDER WHIRRING)

I think I have our winner.

It's called
Ru ral Ambu-care.

They want to buy
an ambulance for people

who live far away
from the hospital.

Ambulances are dumb. When has an
ambulance ever helped anyone?

What about
Andy's music thing?

Well, this is a great service that
will help a lot of needy people.

Sorry, Andy.

Why? No, it's totally fine. I'm
happy for them. That's awesome.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm
going to head out to, uh, the car.

Okay. It's a little hot in here.
I'm a little sweaty.

Well, I'm terribly
disappointed,

but I'm sure the doctors,
or giraffes,

or whatever you
decided to help

will be thrilled with the
whatever you decided to whatever.

I'm outtie.
Great job, team.

What?

Ever since Andy failed the police
exam, he's been really depressed.

Picking out a dumb charity is the
most excited he's been in weeks.

You're so selfish.

Selfish?
I'm running a charity.

Oh! It's all about what
you're doing, isn't it?

Classic Ben.
(CLATTERING)

Sorry. Forgot
the oysters.

Great work today.

Christopher.
Chris, Toe, Fur.

It's like you have
furry toes.

Ha! Hilarious.

I have a question
for you.

It's something very important.
Which is...

What is your

spirit animal?
Jaguar. Why do you ask?

Doing a survey. Whelp, survey completed.
So, take her easy.

You didn't ask me.

But if you had, the answer
I would have given is doggy.

Chris, Ann wants to ask you
something right now. Go, Ann.

In front of Perd?

Yes. No more
delays. Go.

(SPEAKING QUICKLY) I want to have a baby.
Will you be the sperm donor?

The story of this situation
is it's extremely personal.

Think it over. Bye.

Leslie, permission to
leave the corner. Denied.

But, look. I did not
lose your speech after all.

I forgot. I put it in my
shoe for safekeeping.

It's a little moist,
but it is still here.

Then, how did Kim
get the speech?

Wait a minute.
The Pawnee Sun

has been one step ahead
of me for months.

They knew that Kernston's withdrew
its sponsorship of the Commons

before I even
announced it.

They asked me about the sewage
eruption in Ramsett Park

right after Ron
e-mailed me about it.

And Kim asked me if I liked the
first season of Army Wives

just moments
after Netflix did.

The Pawnee Sun hacked my e-mail.
I've been hacked!

Okay. Smashing your phone
won't stop hacking.

That's also my phone. Jerry, quiet!
This is serious.

Well, the police said they were
going to launch an investigation

to see whether or
not I was hacked.

But it's very complicated and
it could take up to a month.

There is nothing more disgusting
than an invasion of privacy.

And I should know. I've had many
women steal my undershirts.

I have a press conference about
the Pawnee Commons in two hours.

So, I need to go through every
e-mail that I've ever sent, ever.

I need to know what they
might use against me.

They can't hack into a typewriter.
That's all I have to say.

Can it, Unabomber.
This is an emergency.

Hey, Ben.
Hi.

You wanted to talk to me?

Or probably not. I mean, I
don't even want to talk to me.

No, I wanted to talk to you. Oh.

Just wanted to thank you so
much for your help, Andy.

Sorry we didn't wind up choosing
the after-school music program.

It's just...
I totally get it.

The music program
would be effective,

but the ambulance is going to help
people right now who are in trouble.

And it would probably
look good in the media.

Yeah. That's
exactly right.

Your morning tea,
Mr. Wyatt?

Imagine all the money
you could save

if you didn't have to pay
for this expensive stuff.

(LAUGHS) Am I right? You could help,
like, a zillion more charities.

Yeah, that's also
exactly right.

I feel like I should
have thought of that.

Let me tell you something
else that's interesting, Ben.

What?

I farted five minutes ago.

I didn't even smell
it until just now.

That's how tight
my pants are.

Anyhow.
Later days, dudes.

Okay. Nothing
too bad, so far.

There's a "Top Ten Ben's
Butts 2012" slideshow.

You e-mailed it to Ben. And Ann.
And the Huffington Post?

Yeah, I'm not
embarrassed by that.

Who is Todo Toadfoot?

You wrote him an e-mail about riding
your dragons to Pelennor Fields

and signed it "Dimple
Broadbelt of Buckland."

Yes, that's Ben in my fantasy Lord
of the Rings pen pal letters.

I am a little
embarrassed by that.

Here's one to me.
And it just says "Thanks".

You're welcome.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Oh, great.
I got a new e-mail

about the parking lot
at the Pawnee Commons.

I keep getting
e-mails all the time.

I have to do well at this
press conference. Donna...

Listen, freaky.

Every single one
of my boyfriends

has tried to
hack into my e-mail.

I got an idea.
Everybody out.

Sorry. Oh.

Ann Perkins, I see you behind
that attractive purse.

You haven't returned
any of my calls.

Yeah. That's because,
uh, I'm mortified.

I'm so sorry that I was
so weird and blunt.

I am touched
and honored

that you would even consider me
to be the father of your child.

And I'm glad that you came
right out and said it.

I mean, if we're
really considering this,

then we have to start at a
place of complete honesty.

You're right.
And I'll start now.

You are a great specimen.

That's a terrible
choice of words.

If my baby turned out
to be anything like you,

I'd be lucky.

Can I have just a little bit
of time to think about it?

Of course. Yes. Take as
much time as you want.

Or maybe just, like, a couple of
days because I'm getting antsy.

And I'm ovulating
on Thursday. So, chop-chop.

But take your time.

Wear loose pants!

I've got to tell you, Ron. You
were absolutely and totally right.

I know. Stop talking and get out.
Yep.

The redneck ambulance
is a great choice.

We can release a publicity
shot of a buck-toothed hayseed

taking medicine for the
first time in his life.

We can figure out
the photo later.

Oh, I forgot. It's Fondue Friday.
Yay!

Yeah, also, as President of the
Foundation, I'm making a few changes.

I'm giving up this office.

And no more visits from a
masseuse or fancy lunches.

It's way out of hand.

Sweetie, all the money we spend on
the Foundation is tax deductible.

I know, and it's
a huge waste of money.

I mean, there's plenty
of cheap office space around.

And I have an idea for how to use
some of the money we'll save.

(LAUGHS) Get yourself
a matching nude portrait?

I can call the painter.
Please don't.

First, I'd like you all
to check under your chairs.

I think you might be surprised
and excited by what you find.

Is it chocolate?
Even better. It's dirt.

The EPA has recently reviewed
our soil samples,

and they determined that
we achieved, and I quote,

"Minimal
acceptable standards."

So, not too shabby.

Uh, Councilwoman Knope, you've claimed
construction will take 18 months,

but a source tells me
it will be much longer.

I would deny that report.

I've also learned that the EPA
found midi-chlorians in the soil?

How serious is that,
exactly?

It's very serious, Kim.

It's almost as serious
as e-mail hacking,

which is what you have
been doing to me for weeks.

(GASPS)

I really thought
you guys would gasp there.

That is a baseless accusation.

Midi-chlorians are
a fictional substance

found in the blood
of Jedi Knights

from the movie Star Wars:
Episode I, The Phantom Menace.

Which, side note,
was a terrible movie

and almost destroyed the franchise,
according to my husband.

But that is
neither here nor there.

The point is, I sent Councilwoman
Knope the fake e-mail

about the EPA finding
midi-chlorians an hour ago.

As a trap.

Into which
you have fallen.

Well,

I have never seen
Star Wars.

Because I was too busy hooking
up with guys, unlike you losers.

(LAUGHS) Oh, you want to
compare numbers, Terlando?

Get to stepping.

LESLIE: I would just like
to point out

that Kim Terlando
stole all of my jokes

for the Pawnee
Correspondents' Lunch.

And they were great jokes.

So I spent the whole night writing new ones.
Lucky for you.

Let's get started.

I've very excited to be here. You
know who else is excited to be here?

Neve Campbell.

What a great party.

Of five.
All right. Thank you, guys.

The point is, I could use someone
to help me at the Foundation

as a part-time assistant,
but also an idea man.

Might I suggest Tom? He loves ideas.
Also, a man.

Well, no, Andy, I've
already chosen the person,

and it is not Tom.

Then, who is it?

Well, he is, uh, sitting
right here in this courtyard.

That guy?

Do you even know him? Oh, my God.
Andy, it's you.

I think you may have a knack
for charitable giving.

Will you come work for me?

Uh-oh.
What's happening?

Oh!