All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S05E08 - Pawnee Commons (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

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the dramatic tale of an Israeli
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Out soon from Focus Features.

Welcome to Thought for Your Thoughts.
I'm your host, Derry Murbles,

sitting in for Nina Joplin,
who is touring

the country performing
a spoken-word opera

about pear-shaped women.

My guest today is City
Councilwoman Leslie Knope.

It is a pleasure
to be back, Derry.

Your show last week
on dolphin lactation

was just riveting radio.

Derry, my team and I are
trying to build a park.

Oh.

And we need input
on the design from you,

the citizens of Pawnee.

So, I guess I'm here
to send out the Bat Signal.

A Bat Signal, for listeners
who might not know,

refers to the children's
character, the Batman,

a strong gentleman
who fights crime nocturnally.

That's correct. Well put.

This park is going to be
a celebration of Pawnee,

by Pawnee, and for Pawnee.

So, you know, send in
your plan or your resume.

And quick.
(LAUGHS) Please hurry.

This is all going to fall
apart if you don't hurry.

Coming up after the break,
movie reviews with Ken Tucker,

who is filling
in for David Bien-Cooley,

who is in New York
filling in for Ken Tucker.

Leslie, would you like to
introduce the next segment?

Okay.

Now, it's time for Jazz
Plus Jazz Equals Jazz.

Today, we have a recording
of Benny Goodman,

played over a separate
recording of Miles Davis.

(DISCORDANT JAZZ MUSIC
PLAYING)

Research shows that
our listeners love jazz.

(DISCORDANT MUSIC CONTINUES)

LESLIE: All right.
So, this is a letter

from what looks
like a federal penitentiary.

"Here is a model of what I thought
the park could look like.

"Also, I am innocent.
Please find me a lawyer."

BEN: Oh. LESLIE: I'm
getting kind of worried.

I mean, we have not received
one usable idea so far.

Hang on.
Look at this guy.

Thirty years of experience.
Got a degree in architecture

from The Royal Danish Academy
of Fine Arts in Copenhagen.

Wow.

Beautiful fountain?
Perfectly manicured shrubbery?

This is, like, Parks Department porn.
This guy is great.

I don't care if he's some
junkie war criminal pimp.

I am not going
to change my mind.

His name is Wreston St. James.
He's from Eagleton.

Oh, I've changed my mind.

I'm not being
melodramatic when I say

that people from Eagleton
are snobby and evil,

and they look down on Pawnee.

And they would most
likely exterminate

everyone who isn't
from Eagleton

if they weren't so busy being
obsessed with themselves.

(SIGHS)
God, that was close.

Sometimes,
when I rant about Eagleton,

I forget to breathe,
and I pass out.

No. We cannot have someone from
Eagleton design a park for Pawnee.

We have had a blood feud
that has lasted for 200 years.

We don't have a lot of time.

And he is the first
decent candidate.

So, let's at least
go meet the guy.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Then,
we can reject him face-to-face.

I like your plan.

TOM: Friends, former lovers,
acquaintances, Jerry.

I introduce you
to the future home of...

Rent A Swag.

ANN: Yikes.

Much like women
in '90s stand-up

comedy routines,
Tommy be shopping.

I started a business where I
rent my fancy clothes to teens,

so their parents
don't have to buy them

nice things
they'll just grow out of.

So,
if you see a 14-year-old kid

wearing
a Louis Vuitton cravat,

you know who to thank. Me.

And Louis Vuitton, for making
some dope-ass cravats.

Son, I love wildlife. But is a
store the best place for it?

Help.

Yeah.
The place needs some work.

But this is a great location. Lots
of foot traffic. No metered parking.

And it's well
within my fiscal range.

Good use of the word "fiscal," Tommy.
Very upscale.

Very impressive.
Watching you gives me

faith that anyone can
reinvent themselves.

Tommy Timberlake is dead.

Long live Thomas M. Haverford,
responsible tycoon.

Help.
I can't move.

(SCREECHES)

I know.

LESLIE: He designed this place?
What a dump.

WRESTON: Ben. Leslie, hi.

Hi.

Wreston St. James.
Thank you so much for coming.

Well, thank you.

Well, what do you
think of our newest park?

Meh. In a word,
underwhelming.

And a little inconvenient.
There's no trash cans anywhere.

What am I supposed to do with my
garbage, just throw it on the ground?

Oh, hey! (LAUGHS)
Thank you for the trash.

Mr. St. James, I have to say,
this park is incredible.

Thank you. Its official
name is Five-Mile Grounds,

but we like to call
it Wide Smiles Abound.

Because of all
the smiles that occur?

(LAUGHS)
That's so boring.

Well, come on. I'll take
you guys on a little tour.

Great.
He seems super cool.

Yeah, he seems cool.
Just you wait.

LESLIE: Well, they always
wine and dine you first.

But the fact of the matter is,
Eagletonians are,

without exception, snobby,
condescending jerks.

This is the Pawnee side
of our border with Eagleton.

And this is the Eagleton side.

Oh, God. (COUGHS)

Hey, babe, it's me.

Will you come down here,
please, and keep me company?

I'm so bored. I need you.

APRIL: If! come down there, can
I at feast break something?

Of course, baby.
Anything, you know that.

Chris gave me
this great job

as a weekend security guard
at City Hall.

Only one problem.
It's a terrible job.

I did everything
I was supposed to do,

and I walked around
the building four times.

Only 20 minutes has gone by.

Ugh, I thought maybe 10 minutes had
gone by since I started talking,

but it's only been 15 seconds.

Oh.

Oh, babe,
thank God you're here.

I got so bored, I started
thinking about existence.

Do I matter? Do any of us?

Is there a master plan in the works?
A grand design?

Just dumb stuff like that.

Yeah. Who cares?

(SIGHS) I thought being a
security guard would be exciting.

Nope.

Wait a minute.

Isn't this how all great
Bert Macklin cases start?

It's quiet.

A little too quiet.

WRESTON: As you can see, we like
to keep things quite immaculate.

I remember
when Pawnee had that

massive sewage
overflow in Circle Park.

Whatever happened with that?
We totally fixed it.

Ah.
Well, except for the smell.

The scientists think it's going
to linger for another 40 years.

Can we just cut
to the chase here?

Why would a fancy Eagleton
architect like you

want to design
a tiny Pawnee park?

Well, I heard your
plea on the radio,

and you were so passionate
about the project.

It doesn't matter if it's
a giant park like this,

or a little tiny
pocket park.

It's about the people.
We're here to serve them.

BALLOON ARTISAN:
Hey, Mr. St. James?

Oh, our balloon artisan is
out of balloons. Excuse me.

There you go, kid.

I have chills.
Look at my arm.

Why are you
so charmed by him?

You're like a Southern belle
when Rhett Butler comes around.

Yes. Rhett Butler. That's who
he reminds me of. Or Bono.

What?

No one from Eagleton
has ever wanted to

help anyone from Pawnee
for any reason.

In 1988,
we were hit by a tornado.

We asked Eagleton for help and
they claimed they weren't home.

An entire town
claimed they weren't home.

I don't trust
that guy for a second.

Leslie. Look what Wreston commissioned
from the balloon artisan.

It's us.

(sums)

Great work, team.
Donna, you and your work

are ravishing as usual.

Ann,
great organizational skills.

Wow. Genuine praise.

It's a tip I picked up from
Lee Iacocca's autobiography.

"A small connection between you and
your workers helps build loyalty."

Jerry, how's the old ticker?

Oh, well, the rehab is grueling...
Great!

Glad to hear it.
Yo, Roomba! Drop a beat!

ROOMBA: (SINGING)
Hi-ho, hi-ho...

Rent A Swag
is going to be the opposite

of Entertainment 720.

This is my last chance.

If this goes down in flames, I will
have nothing. Except my looks.

I can always pimp myself
out to hot older ladies.

I need to remember that.

May, 1817. A scrappy group
of frontiersmen and women

arrive at
a hardscrabble chunk of land,

and call it Pawnee, Indiana.

We owe them a debt of gratitude.
Mmm.

June, 1817.
The richest among them

take all of their money
from the bank,

and then flee up the hill like
cowards to form Eagleton.

Recognize any of your
ancestors among the meanies?

Actually, like most
people from the area,

I have ancestors
on both sides.

That's why I think
this rivalry is just

a little silly
and self-defeating.

Yeah.
You may not know this,

but Leslie was
actually born in Eagleton.

Do not blame me
for the sins of my mother.

Look, Ms. Knope.
I'm really trying here.

But I just don't know if our working
together is such a great idea.

Ah. Running away so soon.
Typical.

You know, say what you
want about Pawneeans,

but we never give up.

We have a mural called
The Many Surrenders of Pawnee.

Oh, look who's paying
attention to me now.

Okay, can I speak to you
privately for a minute?

My name is Special Agent Bert Macklin.
Tell me who you are,

who you work for, and don't
bother trying to lie to me,

because I'm amazing.

(IN MOCK GERMAN ACCENT)
My name is Judy Hitler,

and I am the spoiled
only daughter of Adolf.

And I'm going to tell my daddy you
were mean to me, Bert Macklin.

He's not going to like it very much.
So, untie me.

Nice try, Miss Hitler.

But you have
something that I want.

Where's the necklace with all
of Germany's war secrets?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I think you do.
I don't!

(GASPS)

Now, you give me that
war-ending necklace,

or I will resort to torture.

(SIGHS) Fine.

I will show you
where it is, damn it.

You're too good, Macklin.

Don't you do it, Hitler. Don't
you dare fall in love with me.

Oh, Hitler, you sexy bastard.

No.
Yes.

(GROANS)

(YELLING)

(APRIL YELLS)

lam just filled to the
brim with questions.

Why are you using this wood?
Is it more pliable?

What are these metal latches?
Are they copper or brass?

Is one better?
And if so, why?

If I tell you, then you won't
have learned anything.

(LAUGHS)

Another in a long line of lessons
from the great Ron Swanson.

My therapist, Dr. Richard
Nygard, suggested that I try

some
non-exercise-based hobbies.

So, I've been studying
woodworking with Ron.

I made this. Before I
started, it was bigger.

Here. I have designed
something very important.

Why don't you start
work on that right away?

Yes, sir.

It's a flight of stairs
that leads to nowhere.

Were you listening to him when he was
talking about serving the public,

and making
our communities better?

I mean, you know
who he sounds like, right?

Yes. ldi Amin.
Or Lord Voldemort.

No. You. Now,
you've been very rude to him,

and you need to apologize.
Ha, ha, ha.

You are a laugh riot, Ben.
lam never going to apologize

to someone from Eagleton.

All right.
So, you can kiss your park

and four years
of work goodbye.

UP to you.

Come on. You can do it.

I don't want to.

You can do it.

Mr. St. James,
this has been a strange day.

Uh, but we wouldn't
want to leave you

with the wrong impression
of Pawnee.

Have you guys seen Hitler?

Anyway, we would love
to have you design the park.

And in the spirit
of reconciliation,

Leslie would
like to apologize.

I may have
allowed my prejudices,

my totally
legitimate prejudices

against Eagleton

affect my feelings towards your
involvement in this project.

And so, therefore, I would
like to say that I'm...

I'm...

I'm Leslie Knope.
(LAUGHS)

No, that's not
what I want to say.

Okay. I'm...

Sss... (SIGHS)

My mouth is kind of dry.
Mmm.

My mouth is dry,
this is Canada Dry.

Drink Canada Dry
if your mouth is dry.

That's nothing.

What I want to say
is I'm... Sss...

(MUMBLES)

I'm...

You're a human being. You're a human being.
You can just say...

I'm...

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry
that I was rude.

No, it's too soon.
You know what?

As a gesture of goodwill,
I'd like to waive my fee.

I'll design
the park pro bono.

Thank you.
That's very nice of you.

I've been working up a
little model of the design.

Why don't I bring it over and we
could all go through it together?

Great. And then you can
come to our wedding.

Huh?
What?

It's in May, and we haven't planned it yet.
But save the date.

(IN MOCK GERMAN ACCENT)
I was never here.

(BOTH SCREAM)

Well done, team. What do
you think of the place?

Do you really like
this yellow paint?

I mean, I know it was on sale, but
it looks a lot like dried phlegm.

DONNA: For real, Tom.
This place is sad.

I think one of the mannequins
tried to commit suicide.

I think what's important is we all
had a goal, and we achieved it.

So, you like the place?

Oh, no. It's quite terrible.

This is the best I can do for now.
And I'm $46 under budget.

Now, I have a small treat for you
guys, for all your hard work.

Pizza party!

One small pizza
for all of us.

With no toppings.

Cheese is a topping, Jerry.

And why are these lights
blaring, by the way?

Does someone here own stock
in the electric company?

Hmm.

If there were more food and fewer
people, this would be a perfect party.

Ha, ha, ha.
You can't run, Hitler.

82nd Airborne is everywhere.

History Channel.

ANDY: Oh, ho, ho.
What is this?

A child spy,
sent to steal the necklace?

Bert Macklin, FBI! Freeze!

I didn't do anything.

Yeah. Bad call, Bert.

Uh-oh. Oh, hey.
I'm just kidding, buddy.

I'm just playing around.
My name's really Andy Dwyer.

I'm a security guard.
What's your name?

Joey. I was with my mom,
and I got lost.

Oh, well, gosh.
Don't worry about that.

I've gotten lost
here about 500 times,

and I work here.

What do you say
we go find your mom, huh?

She's not in there, I bet.
Let's try this way.

Hello? Ms. Knope?
Mr. Wyatt?

We're from Wreston
St. James' firm.

Oh, hey. Come on in.
Where's Wreston?

He's on his way.
He wanted us to get started.

Aw. Uh, well, okay.
I guess, go ahead.

We present
the crown jewel of Pawnee.

Containing the sights,
sounds, and most importantly,

smells that define your city.

There are
several drool buckets

for your more
slack-jawed citizens.

We also have food troughs
full of cheeseburgers

and public showers.

With instructions, for those
who've never showered before.

You have five seconds
to get out of here,

or I will rip
your throats out.

Out. Now!

Oh, hey. My backyard is
bigger than your park. So...

(LAUGHS)

Stay back.
Stay back.

I told you that Eagletonians
are awful, terrible people.

They call their boogers
"Pawnee Caviar."

I'm on your side,
and I'm furious, too.

But this just doesn't
make sense to me.

I'm going to
talk to Wreston

and I'm going to get
to the bottom of this.

Yeah, any excuse
to talk to Wreston.

Well, lam going to think
about a revenge plan.

I know what we're gonna do. We're
gonna find out where he lives,

we're gonna drive to
his house, we're gonna

set it on fire,
and watch it burn.

Leslie,
we can't do that.

You're right. We can't.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

All right.
So, does this look familiar?

No, not at all.

I was talking to Joey.

Joey!
Mommy!

There you are. Oh, God, I
was so worried. (SIGHS)

Thank you so much. You'll never
know how much I appreciate it.

Just doing my job, ma'am.

Thank you for saving me, Andy.
Thank you, too, Miss Hitler.

What?
Don't worry about it.

Wow. You made those
losers very happy.

Oh, no, I didn't.
Bert Macklin did.

No.
FBI.

No, actually, Bert Macklin kind
of made that little boy cry.

Well, he's a rogue agent who
refuses to play by the rules.

Seriously, I think Andy Dwyer makes a
better real cop than Bert Macklin.

Maybe it's time for Bert
Macklin to hang up his shades.

Can I get you
something to drink?

Iced tea, please.
And, can I ask you...

How are there
palm trees here?

Well, Eagleton lies
on top of a hot spring,

which creates
a micro-climate zone.

We are truly blessed.

God, I am so sorry I'm late.

What the hell happened, man?

I had nothing to do
with that stupid prank.

In fact, that's why I'm late.
I was firing

the two people
who were responsible,

and I was escorting
them out of the building.

Well, good.

Full disclosure,
certain people

in the firm
wanted to promote them.

But I insisted they be fired.

If you swear to me that you're
serious, maybe we can salvage this.

I would really love to.

But what about Leslie?

I just doubt that
she could ever get over

the bad blood
between our towns.

I think you're wrong. Leslie
is a very forgiving person.

Revenge! (LAUGHS) This is for Pawnee,
you butt-faced, pompous jerk.

Whoa!

I love you, Ben.

Pawnee forever! You want a stupid tie?
I'll give you a stupid tie.

Ha, ha, Wreston.
Suck it. Now, we're even.

BEN: Leslie?
Huh?

He didn't do it. And he
fired the people who did.

Attention, please. I've
been going over the books,

and I'm missing $9.

Now, I'm not angry at whoever took it.
Just come forward,

you'll be served
with a lawsuit,

and we will move
on with our lives.

Hey, buddy. Let's go get
some breakfast, okay?

Fine. It was your idea, so
you're paying, you're driving,

I'm not chipping in for gas.

Okay. All right.

I'll have
the pancake breakfast.

And let me also get 12 eggs,
uncooked, and some toast.

Twenty slices, untoasted,
in a row, in a bag.

You want a carton of eggs
and a loaf of bread?

Yeah, just
the pancake breakfast is fine.

Don't offer to pay if
you're gonna be cheap.

Listen, man.
I know you don't wanna repeat

the mistakes
of Entertainment 720,

and that's great.

But you're going to need
a little bit of the old Tom

to make
this business work.

No.
That Tom ruined everything.

Yes, he did. And that Tom
made you a horrible boyfriend

and a terrible employee,
and drove you to bankruptcy.

Are we nearing the point?

But your swagger
and your showmanship

and your confidence
is part of you.

And in small doses,
it can help.

You can't have Rent A Swag
without the swag.

I barely have enough
cash to get everything set up.

I know. Take this.

We all chipped in.
Use it to spruce up the store.

And in return,
you can give us, like,

one share of stock
in the company.

Like a mini public offering.

Smort, Ann. Smort.

This is a cause
for celebration. Waiter!

Eight strips of bacon.
Uncooked, in a sealed package.

WRESTON:
I call it the Pawnee Commons.

A celebration of Pawnee's
history and people.

A Wamapoke-themed playground?

Food trucks from
local restaurants?

Li'l Sebastian fountain.
I mean, it's perfect.

Thank you.

I can't see
myself fighting you

on more than 60%
of these ideas.

I'd expect no less.
I'm just glad you like it.

I've never met two people more
passionate about their hometown.

Oh,
I'm actually from Minnesota.

Why do you know
so much about Pawnee?

Well, I'm in love
with a woman from here.

A strange, passionate
goofball of a woman.

(LAUGHS)
Me. He's in love with me.

I'm sorry to see
you go, Macklin.

You didn't always
play by the rules,

but damn it,
you were a hell of an agent.

Today, I say goodbye to the
only life I've ever known.

Well, some of the boys chipped
in, and we got you...

This.

It isn't much, but it's
something to remember us by.

Forty years undercover.
I never even met my family.

What?

And this is all
I have to show for it?

Totally worth it.

It's been a pleasure
serving with you, son.

If you ever need me,
you know where to find me.

In bed next to you,
probably having sex with you.

(SIMULATED CEREMONIAL GUNFIRE)

(sums)

Welcome to the new,
new Rent A Swag.

Now with 30% more swag.

I used the money you guys gave
me to add a little flair.

And I took everything I own in
my house and brought it here.

Except for my bed.
I basically live here now.

I hate all of this. Which probably
means it's good for your business.

Ron, my woodworking project.

It's for displaying shoes.

Yes.
That was always the plan.

All right, Rent A Swag team. I have
one more little surprise for you.

Pizza party part two.

Oh, wow.
Two pizzas. And toppings.

Only on half. I'm not Zuckerberg.
Eat up, chumps.