All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S08E02.1080p.WEB.H264-STRONTiUM-eng

.

- Hey, everybody.

I got your text.
What's the big emergency?

- We need to talk about
Captain Holt's love life.

- Come on,

you've missed being dragged

into your coworkers'
personal lives, admit it.

- It's true, I have.
What's going on?

- Captain Holt is in pain,
and we need to help him

get back together with Kevin.
- No, we don't.

Holt is a very private person.
We shouldn't get involved.

- Okay, you guys probably
don't know this,

but my parents got divorced
when I was a kid,

and it really messed me up.

- Yeah, we know.
- Oh, my God.

- What, do I talk about it
a lot?

It doesn't matter.
The point is,

we can't let that happen
to Daddy Holt and Daddy Kevin.

- So we're just dispensing
with subtext now?

- Yes, this workplace is
my family--was that not clear?

Holt is my dad,
you're my mean older sister,

Amy's my mom.
- What?

- What?
What did I say?

- You said, "Amy is my mom."
- Nobody said anything!

We don't have time for this,
Amy.

Now, who's gonna help me
Parent Trap Holt and Kevin?

Seriously?

Nobody's on board
with my scheme?

Is it because
I called it a scheme?

I can say something different.

Nobody's on board
with my stratagem?

- No.
- Sorry, Jakey.

- Look, Holt just needs us
to be there for him.

Help him take his mind off
of Kevin.

- He's always inviting us
to his lake house

to go bird watching,
but we never do it

because it's, you know,
birdwatching.

We could finally go.
- He would love that.

- Wow, stabbed in the back
by my own mom.

- What?
- Wife! I said wife!

Why do you keep not hearing me?

Whatever!
Let's just do Terry's plan.

♪

You know, I thought it over,

and I gotta hand it
to you guys:

this trip is actually
a really great idea.

- This is surprising.

You're usually
a lot more petulant

when we don't go along
with your schemes.

- Stratagems.
And I've grown up a lot, Terry.

- Uh, you do know

there's no phone reception
at the lake house.

- No!

How am I gonna catch Pokémon?
It doesn't matter.

It's a community event weekend,
so...

- Hey.
- Hey!

- How long is the drive
up there?

I wanna time my edible

so it kicks in
right when we arrive.

What?
- Nothing.

It's cool.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.

I'm not a narc.

- All right,
you can tell people.

- Good, because I'm a narc.
- I'm not a cop anymore,

and I have a prescription
for anxiety, so it's legal.

It'll be good for when
all the drama starts.

- Why do you think
there's gonna be drama?

- Oh, no, you're right.
Whenever we go on

one of these group trips
everything's totally normal

and there's never
any big conflict.

Anyway, I'm just gonna pop one
of these right now

for no reason.
- I'm not looking.

- Welcome to the Lake House.

- Where's the lake?
I didn't see it on the way in.

- That's because
there's no lake up here.

- But you said
it was a lake house.

- No, we called it
The Lake House.

It was once owned
by Kirsopp Lake,

the scholar of textual
criticism who wrote

"Dated Greek Manuscripts
to the Year 1200."

- Yeah, Terry, it's obviously
named after Kirsopp Lake.

No one else was confused
about that.

Hey, I'm gonna take Mac in,

and then I'll come back
for the stuff.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Let's see, Pack 'n Play,
baby monitor,

white noise machine,
sleep sack...

- Whoa, that's a lot of gear.

- Yeah, it's our first time
away from home with him,

and he's such
a terrible sleeper.

- Well, at least you're doing
the smart thing

and asking for my help.

- That is not what's happening.
- Oh, I'm an expert, Amy.

I basically raised
ten nieces and nephews.

I've done it all:
bottled, swaddled, and coddled.

Let's just say

you're definitely gonna want
my nip tips.

Tips that nip a problem
in the bud.

- Why don't you just say tips?

- Just the tips.
Interesting.

- Oh, come on, man.

- Oh, hey, Captain Holt,
do you have the Wi-Fi network?

I need to Facetime
with Hitchcock.

- Oh, there's no internet
at the Lake House.

- Then I'm alone.
- We're all here.

- So you'll do
the 64-round tournament

Hitchcock and I designed
to determine

the best flavor of potato chip?

- No, that sounds like hell.

- Now, let me give you all
a tour.

This is the sitting room.

We considered referring to it
as a living room,

but decided against it.

- Fascinating!

- This is the TV room.

Or it was before
we got rid of the TV.

Now it is also a sitting room.

- Two sitting rooms?

- Now this--this is why
we bought the place.

The master sitting room.

- Wow, look at all this
seating!

- Jake, can I talk to you
for a second?

What's going on?
There is no way

you are this enthusiastic
about too many sitting rooms

and lake houses
that aren't lake houses.

- I'm just trying to be there
for Captain Holt.

I understand that the weekend's
not about me.

- Nope.
You're up to something.

- I'm up to nothing, Terrence,

and frankly,
I resent the implication--

- Hello?

- Okay, I'm up to something,
Terrence.

- Hello?

- I messed with Holt and
Kevin's shared calendar.

You know me so well!

Oh, Kevin, what a surprise!

- Why are you all in my house?

Raymond?

- Kevin?
What are you doing here?

Ha, my edibles just kicked in.

.

- What did Kevin say?
Is everything okay?

- No.

We just had a knock-down,
drag-out fight.

My calendar had
the Lake House as free.

- Strange.
Mine had it as unoccupied.

- Well, it seems
we're at an impasse.

- I would call it
more of a deadlock.

- He gets in such good zingers.

He's tired from driving,

so he's staying the night
and going back in the morning.

- Well, that could be good.

Maybe you guys can spend
some time together.

- We've agreed
to keep our distance

and issue a verbal warning

anytime one of us
is about to enter the room.

Raymond Holt
entering the kitchen!

- Jake, this is bad.

- Raymond Holt entering
the second sitting room.

- Okay, just give it a shot.

They're already separated,
it can't get any worse.

- It's a really good point.
- Thank you, Rosa.

- She's high as hell.

- That's also
a really good point.

- Damn it, Rosa!

Charles, what about you?
You're my best friend.

You support me
in everything I do.

- Oh, maybe the fact
that I'm not on board

is a sign that
it's a really bad idea.

- No, you've changed somehow,
that's the only explanation.

Guys, come on,
I've got a great plan here.

No one wants in?
- Absolutely not!

Tell me the plan.
I want in.

- What?
You do?

- Yeah.
Terry loves love.

- Then why didn't you
back me up in there?

- Because Terry
also loves hedging.

- Terry loves hedging?
That's new.

- No, it's classic Terry.

Look, I always play both sides
till the last possible minute,

everyone knows that.

- That's not fair.
Everyone's so hard on me.

I want a public show of support
for my plan.

- Can't do it.
Look, I don't know

what's so tough for you
to understand here.

I love the scheme,
I wanna be a part of it,

but I think it's gonna fail,

and I don't want people
to think I was a part of it.

- Fine, I'll take
what I can get.

- Yes!

- Damn it,
these blackout curtains

don't keep the light out.
Ugh!

You screwed me on this,
Shannon from Buy Buy Baby!

- You know, Amy,
Mac's issues with sleeping

might not be the light
in the room,

it might be the darkness
in your heart.

- Excuse me?
- Sorry, that was mean.

I was trying to be poetic.

It's important to be mindful

of your energy
when you're with an infant.

Trust me,
I'm sort of a natural mother.

- Yeah, natural mother.

- How long have you been there?

- Oh, man, I have no idea.

- Hey, were you followed?
- Nope.

I promise, they have no idea
I'm working with you.

- Terry, have you seen Jake?

- Uh, no.

That idiot's probably off
working his dumb plan.

He's so stupid.

You know, the only reason
Holt and I haven't fired him

is that we're worried
that he'll kill himself.

- Seems a little excessive.
- I told you.

I don't wanna be
tied to this plan.

Look, I'm out on a ledge
for you,

and Terry hates ledges.

- Wait, so you love hedges
but hate ledges?

You're just making this up
as you go.

- No, I'm not.
Name one time

you've ever seen me
happy out on a ledge.

- I can't think of an example
on the spot--

- Because Terry hates ledges.

Now, come on, tell me the plan.
- Fine.

Step one was getting them
here together.

Step two, reignite the passion.

You'll handle Captain Holt.

- Sir, you have something
on your pants.

- Huh, I've sat in some sap,
like a sap.

- At least you have
a sense of humor about it.

- Not intentionally.
I was upset

and stumbled
into accidental wordplay.

- Meanwhile,
I will take care of Kevin.

- Kevin Cozner,
entering the kitchen.

- Oh, hey there, Kev.

I was just grabbing
a bite to eat.

Can I offer you something?
- Well, I shouldn't,

but today's been a fiasco,
so what the hell.

I'll have a snack
of some water.

- What Kevin won't know

is that he will be drinking
from a dribble cup.

- Oh, dear.

- And you said I was crazy
to buy stock

in Spencer's Gifts.

- How does you buying
one novelty cup

help the company's stock price?

- It boosts confidence
in the marketplace.

You just don't know anything
about business, Terry!

- Okay, so we've ruined
their outfits.

Why will that
"reignite the passion"?

- Because it will force them
to change

into clothes which I will have
carefully placed

at the top of their suitcases.

Thus changing them both
into a couple of thirst traps.

- Kevin Cozner, preparing to
descend the master stairca--

- Oh, I see you've changed
into your...mock turtleneck.

- And you into your...
exercise shorts.

- I feel dirty.
You feel dirty?

- I do.
And I love it.

- Oh, hey, Amy.
Starting round three.

You wanna try New Mexico-style
Chile Verde?

- Uh, my hands are kind
of full here, Scully.

- I can toss it to you.
- Wha--

Scully, don't throw chips
at my baby!

Gosh.

Ugh.
Shh, shh, shh.

I can't believe
what I'm about to do.

Charles, I need your help.
- I'm not gonna gloat.

I'm just happy
he's getting the care he needs.

- Okay, you might wanna be
a little less cocky

until after you
actually get him down.

Because, you know,
some babies are just fussy

and there's nothing
that anyone can--

oh, my God, is he asleep?

So can I be cocky now?

- Step three:
a romantic picnic.

The perfect gill net
for our trout to swim into.

- Huh?
- Sorry.

I've been watching that
survivalist show "Alone."

It's really helped
with my metaphors.

- You think they'll agree
to have a picnic?

They won't even be
in the same room together.

- It's not like we have
an unbaited gill net, Terry.

What's your plan?
Forage for berries?

You wouldn't last
two days in the Arctic, man.

- What are we doing now?

- We're getting Holt and Kevin
back together!

Now for Operation Corn Crake.

Hey, Kevin, I have a question.

- Is the corn crake
an important bird?

- Yes.

- They're among
the rarest species

in the northeastern
United States.

- A veritable holy grail

within the bird watching
community.

both: Oh, wow!

- I only ask because...

- I read that one was spotted

in the woods near here.

both: Grab your binoculars.
We're going birding.

- Yeah, we are.

- We're pretty far north
for a corn crake.

Where did you hear
of this sighting?

- Oh, on the birdwatching app

that Captain Holt
recommended I download.

You know how he is
about birding.

I guess you guys have that
in common, huh?

- Hardly--Raymond is an
adequate birdwatcher at best.

He once confused
a pileated woodpecker

with a downy woodpecker.

- Yeah.

Pileated bootdecker
and a pileated jecker.

- Huh.

It's nowhere.

- Uh, maybe you could flush out
the corn crake

by doing its mating call?

- I don't know why a corn crake
would make such a call

three months
after its rooting season,

but I suppose
it can't hurt to try.

- Hold on.
That call.

That's the call a corn crake
makes when it wants to root.

I'll respond.

- This way.

Oh, and do you need the shades?

No, you don't,
'cause you're already asleep.

- He forgot the sleep sack!
And Mac doesn't even care!

I can't watch this.

Yes! Wow!

♪

Uh...
oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh!

I think I just locked
Mac in his room.

What do I do?
- Oh, sorry, man.

I think the second edible
just kicked in.

This is a little too much
for me.

Also, this is not the vibe
I was looking for.

- No, no, no,
Ro-ro, Ro-ro.

I need your help.

- No, no, no.
Adios, amigo.

Oh.
You are not a corn crake.

- But you heard the call?

- Yes, it was...majestic.

- Well, look what we caught
in our gill net,

a couple of fresh, fatty trout.

That'll last us
the next five days.

More if we eat the egg sac.

- Jake, the picnic.

It attracted bees!

- Ack.
Oh.

Oh, God, they're everywhere!

Get away!

Quick, everyone form a wall
around me!

- Peralta.
- I'm sorry, Kevin.

It's just I'm very allergic.

If I get stung,
I have a terrible reaction.

- Kind of like this?
- Oh, my--

No, that's much worse,
I just get a scratchy throat.

Why didn't you cower
behind someone?

.

- All right, we should be good.

I think the swarm is gone.

- I think
I was only stung once.

How do I look?

- Good, good, very good.
- Normal, very normal.

- Stop it.

Kevin doesn't like to be
lied to.

You're disgusting to look at.
- Thank you, Raymond.

I have an EpiPen
back at the house.

Would you call someone
to have them bring it?

- There's no reception.
I'll just run back.

I haven't done cardio
in 20 years.

How hard can it be?

It's immediately awful!

- Here, while we wait,
you could try putting this

chilled bottle of champagne
against your eyes.

It might help.
- Peralta, why is there

a romantic picnic sitting
in this remote clearing?

You set this whole thing up,
didn't you?

- Nuh-uh.
- You've manipulated us

into spending time together.

- Nuh-uh.

- Is that your entire defense?
"Nuh-uh"?

- Uh-huh.

Okay, fine, all right?
Yes.

But only because
I care about you.

And by the way,
you should really make

your shared calendar
less easy to access.

- You got into our calendar?
- Yeah, you already knew that.

You said I set
the whole thing up.

- I was talking
about the picnic.

What were you talking about?

- Nuh-uh.

- You tricked us into coming

to the Lake House
at the same time.

You did
a "Das Doppelte Lottchen."

- What?
I don't know what that is.

- "Das Doppelte Lottchen"!
- I'm only half.

- It's a German novel
about a set of twins

who try to reunite
their estranged parents.

- That's the "Parent Trap"!

I knew my stratagem
had classy origins.

- Peralta,
this is my personal life.

You've crossed a line.

I'm leaving.
- So am I.

- Oh, no, wait, Kevin--

- Are there tools in here?
You see a saw anywhere?

- I told you to stay away,
Charles.

I'm not into your energy.

- Amy!

Hi!
Hi, Amy!

- Hi.

Look, I just wanted to say
thank you

for getting Mac to sleep.

I was being really stubborn
earlier,

and I guess
what I'm trying to say

is can I please have
your nip tips?

- You don't want my nip tips,
those crusty old things.

- Oh, God,
I can't be here for this.

Oh, my mouth is so dry.
It's all bad.

- What's all bad?
- I can't tell you, Amy.

- What can't you tell me?

- It's too real.
I need to leave.

Damn it, I was looking
for somewhere to be alone.

- Sorry, I came out here
looking for a signal

to call Hitchcock, but no luck.

I can take my chips and go.

- Wait, you have chips?

You could stay.
- Oh.

- So we got off to a bad start
there with the bees

and Kevin rolling down
the hill,

and then, of course,
the second swarm of bees,

but we're good now, right?

Can you guys hear me?

You keep moving away from me
for some reason.

- Ugh, I wish a bee would sting
me in both ears right now

so they'd seal shut as well.

- What was that?
I couldn't hear you!

I'll just assume you said,
"Keep going."

Anyways, yeah, I just figured

if I could
get you guys together,

I could create
a magical moment.

But of course, we now know
that magic doesn't exist.

- Shh!

It's a corn crake.

- Oh, no, I can't believe it.

I finally spot a corn crake,
and my eyes are swollen shut.

- It's okay, Kevin.
I'll describe it to you.

Okay, have you ever seen
a duck?

- Peralta, I got this.
- Oh, okay.

- The beak color
is Pantone 4685C.

- Mm.

- The wing is Pantone 2322C
spotted with 4515C.

- Ooh.

- The tail is Pantone 7525C
with bands of 419C.

- Oh, my, my.

- Oh, Kevin, the throat...

Pantone 7528C.

- Oh, Raymond.

- Those are some hot Pantones.

- Okay, Barbecue.
- Mm-hmm.

- Sweet Maui Onion,

and the surprising underdog,
Original.

- I think I'm ready to crown
a Chipeon.

- Chipeon?
That's good.

- Yeah, I came up with it
because I misspoke.

Can I join you?

Mac's never been asleep
this long,

and I don't know
what to do with myself.

- Charles locked your kid
in the room.

- What?
- You made me say it.

If I didn't, you would've
stayed here and ruined this

good thing I got going
with Scully and his chips.

- Wait, Mac is locked
in a room?

Oh, my...

Charles!
- Amy!

I was just doing
a little handiwork,

you know,
fixing up the old house.

- I know you locked my son
in there.

- I'm sorry.
I tried everything.

Maybe he'll be happy
growing up in that room.

- Oh, shut up, Charles!

I'll get him out.
Move.

- I'm telling you,
it's impossible.

- Not for his mother.

- Wow!

- Sorry that took me so long.

I cramped up halfway and then
crawled for a little while.

Maybe I should think
about slimming down.

- No, it's actually good
you didn't make it back.

- Oh, thank you
for saying that.

Look, I can't change my body,
it defines me.

- No, no, no,
we really saw a corn crake.

Holt had to describe it
to Kevin,

and now he's leading him,
by the hand, out of the woods.

The Parent Trap worked!
I can't wait to tell the squad.

- Wait, wait, let me give Kevin
the EpiPen,

and then we can
tell them together.

- Okay, whoa, whoa.
Pump the brakes there, Sonic.

- What?
- Sonic the Hedgehog.

You've been hogging that hedge
while I was out on a ledge.

No, you didn't have
to deal with anyone

saying it was a bad idea,

so you don't get
the credit either.

This was 100% all me,
Dr. Robotnik.

- Who?
- Sonic's archnemesis!

You never played a video game
or watched a movie, Terry?

Get a life, dude!

They were being
so sweet with each other

and holding hands,
it was amazing.

They're totally back in love.

- Peralta,
I need to ask you something.

- Let me guess.
Will I be the best man

at a last-minute vow renewal
ceremony that will serve

as an emotional capper
to this magical weekend?

- No, I need you
to move your car.

Kevin has decided
to leave immediately.

- Kevin Cozner
leaving the Lake House.

♪

- This was 100% all Jake.

- Oh, Terry.

.

- Amy, will you please pass
the mini crab cakes?

- Are you sure
you can be trusted

with something so small
and delicate?

- I can tell you're upset,
but you should know

that I was locked in a room
for 16 days as a child,

and I turned out just fine.

- No, you didn't.
You're a freak!

- Okay, I'm staying out
of this one.

- Shocking--I didn't realize
you were capable

of staying out of anything.

- We have an announcement.

We're here to crown the winner
of this year's

Great Tournament of Chips.
Rosa?

- The Chipeon is...
Smoky Bacon Chicken.

- She's so high.
- Yeah.

Sounds pretty good, though.

- Ugh, you guys are duds.
Scully and I are gonna bounce.

- Oh, sir,
that's a dribble cup.

You're dripping on yourself.

- Am I?

- Okay.
Look, I'm really sorry.

- No need to apologize.

Your Das Doppelte Lottchen
scheme worked.

You manufactured
a perfect romantic moment,

and I allowed myself to
imagine, as Kevin held my hand,

that he still felt something
for me.

When we came back,
I walked him to his room,

and just as I was working up
the courage to ask him to stay,

he said

we shouldn't spend
any more time together.

Well, at least now I know
that my marriage is over.

So thank you, Peralta.

Raymond Holt
leaving the living room.

- Hey, crazy what a good mood
Mac is in.

- You mean given the fact that

he was locked in a prison
by Charles?

- How long did he sleep?

- You mean before he was
rescued from the prison

he was locked in by Charles?

- I guess.

- Three hours.

- Whoa.
What did Charles do?

- You mean besides...
both: Locking him in a prison.

- Got it.
I'll stop asking.

Well, whatever he did,

I'm loving his mood.
- Whatever.

- I still can't believe
my scheme didn't work.

I mean, we saw a corn crake
and everything.

- I know.
What are the odds?

- Right?
I have to say,

I don't see what the big deal
is all about.

This is what they
actually look like.

- Oh, that is not
an attractive bird.

- I know!
It's like a dumb duck!

And this is what its call
sounds like.

- Oh, it's horrible!
It sounds like a Taser.

- No.
It's wonderful.

I have to go!

Sir?

- What are you doing here,
Peralta?

- I wanna prove to you
that you're wrong to think

that Kevin doesn't have
feelings for you anymore.

- Okay.
What is he doing here?

- Oh, I wanna prove to him

that he was wrong
for hedging all day.

But that's our own separate
thing, so you can ignore it.

Sir, listen.
I think Kevin wanted to stay.

The only reason he left

is 'cause he didn't know
how you felt.

- Why would you think that?
He's made no effort whatsoever.

- Or has he?
Did you know that

Kevin is better at bird calls
than you?

- Oh, a strange,
hurtful non sequitur.

- Now, who made
the first corn crake call?

- I believe I did.
- Correct.

Kevin and I heard you,
and he responded.

But get this, sir.
You made the wrong call.

This is what a rooting
corn crake sounds like.

- The call you made
was for a scarlet warbler.

A trash bird.
- Okay, so you made your point.

I'm a trash man
who only knows trash birds.

- No, that is not my point.

My point is, Kevin knew
it wasn't a corn crake,

but he went to it anyway.

- Because he was going to you,
not the bird!

He still loves you!
Our plan worked!

- Our plan?
- Yeah!

Terry is off the hedge
and on the ledge!

- Well, that means a lot,
coming from you Jeffords,

given how much you hate ledges.

- People don't know about Terry
hating ledges!

This is new!

- Hey, Amy,
I wanted to give you this.

I made Mac
a truffle squash puree.

I'm not trying to show you
how to do anything,

I'm just trying to apologize.

- It's okay, Charles.

I actually learned something
from you yesterday.

Mac has trouble sleeping
because I bother him too much.

When he was locked in that room
no one could check on him,

and it was the longest nap
he's ever taken.

So thank you for the mousse.

- I can't believe
you actually took it.

- Of course I took it.

You locked my baby
in a room, Charles.

You're gonna be cooking for him
until he goes to college, okay?

- Okay.
- Great, thanks.

- How's it going, sir?
You look chipper.

- Yes, well,
I called Kevin and told him

I still have feelings for him,
and he said he felt the same.

So we begin
couples counseling next week.

- That's great, sir.
I'm so glad.

Looks like Captain Holt caught
a fatty trout in his gill net.

- You watched "Alone"?
- Every single episode.

Terry has not slept!

- Hey, Rosa, you wanna take
a couple days off,

drive to Buffalo,
see the warehouse

where Sweet Maui Onion chips
are imported to?

Unless you don't wanna hang out

'cause you're not
stoned anymore.

- Actually, Buffalo sounds
kind of cool.

- Seriously?

That's just not
the weed talking?

- Oh, no, I'm not high
at all anymore.

Oh, no, I was so high.

- Good news.
While you were asleep,

we finally got cell reception.

- What's up, cucks?

So how did everybody lose
their V-card?

I'll go first.

- Amy was right.
Drugs are bad.

- Fremulon.

- Not a doctor.
Shh.