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1
00:00:02,350 --> 00:00:05,180
[instrumental "Jingle Bells"]
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,250
Damn, this is more work
than tryin' to close my
zipper.
3
00:00:18,316 --> 00:00:21,826
You're going down!
4
00:00:21,116 --> 00:00:22,296
What's up?
5
00:00:22,333 --> 00:00:24,163
What you got in the bag?
6
00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:26,320
All the essentials
of a good ski trip.
7
00:00:26,350 --> 00:00:28,350
Ski boots, ski parka
8
00:00:28,383 --> 00:00:32,283
and a five gallon jug of
heat
and eat massage oil. Ooh!
9
00:00:32,316 --> 00:00:34,266
Oh, yes. I like those
ingredients, brother.
10
00:00:34,300 --> 00:00:36,230
Oh, brother, it might
be
cold on the slopes
11
00:00:36,266 --> 00:00:38,156
but between
Lakisha,
Latrina
12
00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:39,350
and that heat and
eat
massage oil
13
00:00:39,383 --> 00:00:42,273
it's gonna be pretty
hot
in that room.
14
00:00:42,300 --> 00:00:45,330
Yo, man, I think this is gonna
be the fattest Christmas ever.
15
00:00:45,660 --> 00:00:46,350
I know, thank God,
we ain't got to spend
it
16
00:00:46,383 --> 00:00:48,323
with Aunt Mabel
and all those crazy
relatives.
17
00:00:48,350 --> 00:00:50,150
Hey, what did pop say
when you told him
18
00:00:50,183 --> 00:00:52,103
we wasn't going this year?
19
00:00:52,133 --> 00:00:53,273
Nothin'.
20
00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:55,120
- Nothin'?
- Uh-uh.
21
00:00:55,150 --> 00:00:57,200
How come he didn't get mad?
22
00:00:57,233 --> 00:00:59,503
Because I
didn't
actually tell
him.
23
00:00:59,830 --> 00:01:00,230
Marlon, man,
you promised, gee!
24
00:01:00,266 --> 00:01:03,126
Shawn, I tried.
It just wasn't the right
time!
25
00:01:03,166 --> 00:01:04,176
It's Christmas Eve!
26
00:01:04,216 --> 00:01:05,326
When was you plannin'
on tellin' him?
27
00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:06,376
Father's Day.
28
00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:09,160
[knocking on door]
29
00:01:09,350 --> 00:01:10,380
[door bell ringing]
30
00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,280
Alright, alright.
Who is it?
31
00:01:13,316 --> 00:01:15,096
- Hey.
- Hey, hey, hey!
32
00:01:15,133 --> 00:01:18,183
Hey, hey. It's Christmas
Eve.
You know what that mean.
33
00:01:18,216 --> 00:01:21,176
- All good boys get
fruitcake.
- Oh, no.
34
00:01:21,216 --> 00:01:24,126
Oh, don't worry.
This year I used a new recipe.
35
00:01:24,166 --> 00:01:26,226
I got it from
the rhythm and blues cookbook.
36
00:01:26,266 --> 00:01:30,126
Little Richard's
tutti-frutti fruitcake.
37
00:01:30,166 --> 00:01:33,496
Oh, yes.
I-I love me some fruitcake.
38
00:01:33,830 --> 00:01:34,170
You can see,
I invented fruitcake.
39
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:36,250
I guess I did.
I invented The Beatles.
40
00:01:36,283 --> 00:01:38,123
I invented rock 'n' roll.
41
00:01:38,150 --> 00:01:41,230
And I still ain't been
paid.
Whoo-hooo!
42
00:01:43,183 --> 00:01:46,233
But I sure am pretty, huh-huh.
43
00:01:46,266 --> 00:01:47,246
Shut up.
44
00:01:47,283 --> 00:01:50,163
[theme song]
45
00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:52,220
♪ We're brothers ♪
46
00:01:52,250 --> 00:01:54,160
♪ We're happy
and we're singin' ♪
47
00:01:54,500 --> 00:01:57,660
♪ And we're colored ♪
48
00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:59,120
♪ Give me a high five ♪
49
00:01:59,150 --> 00:02:01,330
(male #1)
'Alright, cut and print.
Beautiful, guys.'
50
00:02:01,366 --> 00:02:03,196
'Dynamite. That is..'
51
00:02:03,233 --> 00:02:06,133
♪ Girl what you got
goin' on tonight? ♪
52
00:02:06,166 --> 00:02:08,316
♪ I got something
that you gonna like ♪
53
00:02:08,350 --> 00:02:11,660
♪ Won't you just chill
with me tonight ♪
54
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:13,180
♪ I got something
that you gonna like ♪
55
00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:15,366
♪ Girl what you got
going on tonight? ♪
56
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,350
♪ I got something
that you gonna like ♪
57
00:02:17,383 --> 00:02:20,273
♪ Won't you just chill
with me tonight ♪
58
00:02:20,300 --> 00:02:22,320
♪ I got something
that you gonna like ♪
59
00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:24,500
♪ I got something.. ♪♪
60
00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:32,826
Well, miracles
will never cease.
61
00:02:32,116 --> 00:02:33,996
You boys are already packed.
62
00:02:34,330 --> 00:02:35,350
Normally, you moan and groan
about going to your
63
00:02:35,383 --> 00:02:38,163
Aunt Mabel's house
in Philadelphia.
64
00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:39,150
Uh, Pops.
65
00:02:39,183 --> 00:02:40,253
There's something
we need to tell you.
66
00:02:40,283 --> 00:02:41,383
Boy..
67
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,130
Your great great grandfather
would be so proud of you.
68
00:02:44,166 --> 00:02:46,326
He said the only thing
that's better than spending
69
00:02:46,660 --> 00:02:49,180
Christmas with family
is killing confederate
soldiers.
70
00:02:49,216 --> 00:02:51,276
Shawn, isn't there
something
that you have to tell pop?
71
00:02:51,316 --> 00:02:54,326
Oh, yeah, Pops.
About our trip to
Philadelphia--
72
00:02:54,660 --> 00:02:55,270
Ah, Philly.
73
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:58,500
Home of the cream cheese.
74
00:02:58,830 --> 00:02:59,170
The Liberty Bell
75
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:03,000
and fond, fond
Christmas memories.
76
00:03:03,330 --> 00:03:06,130
♪ I'll be home ♪
77
00:03:06,166 --> 00:03:09,346
♪ For Christmas ♪
78
00:03:09,383 --> 00:03:14,283
♪ You can count on me ♪
79
00:03:15,333 --> 00:03:18,233
♪ Please have snow ♪
80
00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:21,096
♪ And mistletoe ♪
81
00:03:21,133 --> 00:03:24,133
♪ And presents ♪
82
00:03:24,166 --> 00:03:25,126
Shoo, thank God.
83
00:03:25,166 --> 00:03:28,296
♪ Under the tree ♪
84
00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:30,373
Oh, by the way, boys,
what did you wanna tell me?
85
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:34,180
Uh...thanks a lot
for the fruitcake.
86
00:03:34,216 --> 00:03:38,326
♪ Christmas Eve
will find me.. ♪♪
87
00:03:40,233 --> 00:03:42,183
[hip hop music]
88
00:03:42,216 --> 00:03:44,346
Ho ho ho.
Who do we have here?
89
00:03:44,383 --> 00:03:47,103
A brat who cut in line.
My kid was next.
90
00:03:47,133 --> 00:03:48,133
She was not.
91
00:03:48,166 --> 00:03:49,346
Hey, hey, hey.
Shut up!
92
00:03:49,383 --> 00:03:51,663
This is Christmas.
93
00:03:52,250 --> 00:03:54,500
I'd like this magazine.
94
00:03:54,830 --> 00:03:56,000
Oh, hold on.
95
00:03:59,266 --> 00:04:01,176
A mistletoe.
96
00:04:01,216 --> 00:04:03,156
You know what
that means, right?
97
00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:05,150
You got to kiss me.
It's Christmas tradition.
98
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,230
I'm Jewish.
99
00:04:11,266 --> 00:04:14,266
Eh, well, don't go,
little Sammy Davis Junior.
100
00:04:14,300 --> 00:04:16,250
This pickle is kosher.
101
00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:20,200
Hey, it's Christmas Eve.
102
00:04:20,233 --> 00:04:22,663
Why are you taking down
the decoration?
103
00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:24,000
Because, Dee, we don't wanna
have to deal with this
104
00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:25,180
when we get back
from our trip.
105
00:04:25,216 --> 00:04:29,126
Oh, you boys sound like
you got some big plans.
106
00:04:29,166 --> 00:04:30,246
- And you know that.
- Oh, yeah.
107
00:04:30,283 --> 00:04:32,333
We're planning on spending
an entire weekend
108
00:04:32,660 --> 00:04:33,220
going down some soft
curvy slopes.
109
00:04:33,250 --> 00:04:34,330
Yeah, maybe while we're there
110
00:04:34,366 --> 00:04:36,146
we'll do a
little bit
of skiing too.
111
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,660
Oh, what's the matter, Dee?
112
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:41,120
You got a little problem
with Christmas?
113
00:04:41,150 --> 00:04:42,230
No, it's all so fake!
114
00:04:42,266 --> 00:04:44,126
I mean, everybody's so nice,
you know?
115
00:04:44,166 --> 00:04:45,326
Perfect strangers
come up to you
116
00:04:45,366 --> 00:04:48,096
"Merry Christmas,
happy holiday."
117
00:04:48,133 --> 00:04:50,373
And the only reason they're
doin' is so they can get a
gift.
118
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:54,160
Happy holidays
to my favorite
people
119
00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:56,280
in my favorite building.
120
00:04:56,316 --> 00:04:58,656
Who the hell are you?
121
00:04:58,100 --> 00:05:01,000
It's me, Norm, your mailman.
122
00:05:01,330 --> 00:05:02,330
Oh, can the Christmas cheer.
123
00:05:02,366 --> 00:05:05,216
You're not gettin' a tip.
124
00:05:05,250 --> 00:05:08,150
Oh. I almost forgot.
125
00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:11,833
There is a package for you.
126
00:05:11,116 --> 00:05:14,156
It's marked, "Fragile."
127
00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:16,280
- Go long.
- No, no!
128
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,326
[thud]
129
00:05:17,366 --> 00:05:19,226
Oh, man!
130
00:05:19,266 --> 00:05:21,126
Tsk. Shoo!
131
00:05:21,166 --> 00:05:24,156
There goes my "Sanford And Son"
commemorative plates.
132
00:05:25,133 --> 00:05:28,133
You should have tipped
him a dollar, dummy.
133
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,230
This was your Christmas gift.
134
00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:36,330
Looks like I'm the dummy.
135
00:05:36,660 --> 00:05:38,330
Dummy.
136
00:05:38,660 --> 00:05:39,380
Hey, hey, hey!
137
00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:42,153
Oh, man!
138
00:05:45,216 --> 00:05:48,246
A merry merry Christmas
to one and all.
139
00:05:48,283 --> 00:05:52,003
Ah, happy holidays,
my sugar plum fairy.
140
00:05:52,330 --> 00:05:53,100
[sniffles]
141
00:05:53,133 --> 00:05:55,373
How would you like
to meet my nutcracker?
142
00:05:58,333 --> 00:06:00,103
My, my, my.
143
00:06:00,133 --> 00:06:02,103
If you didn't look so much
like Buster Douglas
144
00:06:02,133 --> 00:06:04,273
I'd say something
to hurt your feelings.
145
00:06:07,660 --> 00:06:08,170
High.
146
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:09,350
Low!
147
00:06:09,383 --> 00:06:11,283
What are you doing here, T.C.?
What's the matter?
148
00:06:11,316 --> 00:06:14,166
That lethal injection
ain't kick in yet?
149
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,330
Why you wanna mess with T.C.
this time of the year?
150
00:06:16,366 --> 00:06:18,376
Can't you see I'm filled
with the spirit?
151
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:21,150
Yeah, the spirit of St. Ides.
152
00:06:21,183 --> 00:06:22,373
[laughing]
153
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:26,170
Why are you giving this nice
young lad such a hard time?
154
00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:28,320
I mean, he's brimming
with Yuletide joy!
155
00:06:28,350 --> 00:06:30,300
Of course, I am!
156
00:06:30,333 --> 00:06:32,383
I just sold
a cubic zirconium
outside
157
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,200
to some sucker for $800.
158
00:06:34,233 --> 00:06:36,383
[laughs]
159
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:38,830
Shame on you.
160
00:06:38,116 --> 00:06:40,246
Taking advantage of the
holidays
to exploit people.
161
00:06:40,283 --> 00:06:43,383
Oh, no, no. You're the
one
with the real scam, bro.
162
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:47,170
Yeah, all you rented Santas do
is make empty promises to kids.
163
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:49,220
Mm-hmm. Chew that, chew that,
chew that--
164
00:06:49,250 --> 00:06:51,500
The Macy's Santa
165
00:06:51,830 --> 00:06:53,120
told me when I was
ten years old
166
00:06:53,150 --> 00:06:55,130
that I was gonna get my wish.
167
00:06:55,166 --> 00:06:56,316
Well, ha!
168
00:06:56,350 --> 00:07:00,150
Never did get that
dolomite decoder ring.
169
00:07:00,183 --> 00:07:02,173
Come to think of it, I never
got
that "Action Jackson"
170
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:04,830
Saturday Night Special
I was promised, neither.
171
00:07:04,116 --> 00:07:08,126
I'm still waiting on my
Susan Lucci designer locket.
172
00:07:08,166 --> 00:07:10,266
They didn't have
those
when you were a kid.
173
00:07:10,300 --> 00:07:13,000
They didn't have
Antonio Banderas either
174
00:07:13,330 --> 00:07:15,130
but I want that too.
175
00:07:15,166 --> 00:07:18,166
Yeah, and what about
my bikini beach Betty
Doll?
176
00:07:19,166 --> 00:07:21,826
Bikini beach Betty?
177
00:07:21,116 --> 00:07:24,496
It was the closest thing
I'd get to a naked woman.
178
00:07:24,830 --> 00:07:27,830
Oh, no. Christmas isn't
about getting presents.
179
00:07:27,116 --> 00:07:30,656
It's about giving
the gift of love.
180
00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:32,270
Ho ho ho!
181
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:34,380
I wish he would stop
with all of them hos.
182
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,100
I know, he sounds
like a stuttering pimp.
183
00:07:37,133 --> 00:07:40,183
(both)
Where is my ho ho ho?
184
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:45,330
[instrumental "Jingle Bells"]
185
00:07:46,183 --> 00:07:48,163
Hey.
186
00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:50,100
- Shawn?
- Hey, Marlon..
187
00:07:50,133 --> 00:07:52,163
Hey, would you stop
playing and come on?
188
00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:53,280
It's gonna be packed, man.
189
00:07:53,316 --> 00:07:55,826
Well, we got to wait
for all the customers
190
00:07:55,116 --> 00:07:56,196
to get out of the lobby first.
191
00:07:56,233 --> 00:07:57,233
No problem.
192
00:07:57,266 --> 00:07:58,346
I want my grandpa's heart
193
00:07:58,383 --> 00:08:00,133
to get all better.
194
00:08:00,166 --> 00:08:03,156
And I want for
the rainforest to come
back.
195
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:04,130
And no more war or hunger.
196
00:08:04,166 --> 00:08:05,346
Aw, that's so cute,
but it's closing time.
197
00:08:05,383 --> 00:08:07,223
Come on, kid.
198
00:08:07,250 --> 00:08:09,370
And I want everyone to recycle!
199
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,330
And I want a ban
on nuclear testing
200
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:13,146
and smoking in restaurants!
201
00:08:13,183 --> 00:08:15,223
Hold on, Charlotte
isn't finished yet.
202
00:08:15,250 --> 00:08:16,300
Hey, well,
she need to be talking to
203
00:08:16,333 --> 00:08:18,833
a congressman not Santa Claus.
204
00:08:18,116 --> 00:08:19,276
Come on, kid,
peace out, merry Christmas.
205
00:08:19,316 --> 00:08:20,346
- Hey, wait, wait, no, no.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
206
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,160
Alright.
Ho ho ho!
207
00:08:25,830 --> 00:08:27,500
Shame on you, Marlon.
208
00:08:27,830 --> 00:08:30,500
- Marlon, what are you doing?
- I had to, pop.
209
00:08:30,830 --> 00:08:32,100
We had to hurry up or else
we're
gonna miss our plane.
210
00:08:32,133 --> 00:08:34,353
You've been dippin'
in the rumball, son.
211
00:08:34,383 --> 00:08:36,323
We're takin' a train to Philly.
212
00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,200
Uh, no, pop.
You're takin' the train.
213
00:08:38,233 --> 00:08:41,003
Me and Marlon are gonna
fly to Vermont.
214
00:08:41,330 --> 00:08:42,830
You what?
215
00:08:42,116 --> 00:08:43,116
Pop, we're gonna go skiing
216
00:08:43,150 --> 00:08:44,280
with Lakisha and Latrina
this year.
217
00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,316
But we always spend
Christmas together.
218
00:08:46,350 --> 00:08:49,000
Yeah, but this time we wanted
to do something different
219
00:08:49,330 --> 00:08:50,150
like have fun.
220
00:08:50,183 --> 00:08:53,373
Christmas is not about fun.
It's about family!
221
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,330
Are you gonna actually turn
your back on us
222
00:08:55,366 --> 00:08:58,656
for a couple of snow hos?
223
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,200
If that all you feel
about Christmas
224
00:09:04,233 --> 00:09:06,103
I guess I'll be calling
the whole thing off!
225
00:09:06,133 --> 00:09:08,133
Hey, if we gonna call the
whole
thing off, let's go skiing.
226
00:09:08,166 --> 00:09:09,316
Word up,
let's shake the spot.
227
00:09:09,350 --> 00:09:11,180
Okay, this is it!
228
00:09:11,216 --> 00:09:12,316
Nobody's going anywhere
229
00:09:12,350 --> 00:09:14,380
or shakin' anything.
230
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,200
Santa's a trap!
231
00:09:16,233 --> 00:09:18,163
You got that right, pal.
232
00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:20,320
And I'm gonna use it unless
you people stay right here
233
00:09:20,350 --> 00:09:22,320
and do exactly what I say!
234
00:09:22,350 --> 00:09:25,830
[instrumental music]
235
00:09:31,316 --> 00:09:33,176
I'm harmless,
give me that gun.
236
00:09:33,216 --> 00:09:35,316
You don't really think
you call pull that trigger?
237
00:09:35,350 --> 00:09:38,830
In a North Pole minute.
238
00:09:38,116 --> 00:09:41,326
Now, the only one who's
forking
over a gun is you, Dee.
239
00:09:41,366 --> 00:09:43,316
Come on, give it to me.
240
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:46,000
'And the nightstick too.'
241
00:09:47,183 --> 00:09:48,333
Don't worry, Dee.
242
00:09:48,366 --> 00:09:50,126
He might have got your gun
243
00:09:50,166 --> 00:09:52,176
buy you still got
them bullets girl.
244
00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:54,326
You pipe down.
245
00:09:54,660 --> 00:09:56,160
Now the doors are all locked,
nobody's going anywhere.
246
00:09:56,500 --> 00:09:58,270
Now either you get
the Christmas spirit..
247
00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:01,660
...or it's gonna get
very messy in here.
248
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:04,100
Pop, do somethin'
before Santa smokes
us.
249
00:10:04,133 --> 00:10:05,383
Don't come crying to me.
250
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,230
If we had gone over
to Aunt Mabel's house
251
00:10:07,266 --> 00:10:08,326
none of this would
have happened.
252
00:10:08,366 --> 00:10:11,156
Eh, I'd rather get shot
than have to eat
253
00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:12,320
Aunt Mabel's pig feet puddin'.
254
00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:16,200
Don't you talk about
my sister like that.
255
00:10:16,233 --> 00:10:18,153
She taught me everything
I know about cookin'.
256
00:10:18,183 --> 00:10:19,253
What'd that
take,
five minutes?
257
00:10:19,283 --> 00:10:21,003
Will you excuse me?
258
00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:23,230
This is a hostage situation,
not "The Ricki Lake Show."
259
00:10:23,266 --> 00:10:25,246
- Shut up.
- Please, just tell us.
260
00:10:25,283 --> 00:10:27,173
Exactly what do you want?
261
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,160
All I want is for you
to be kind and warm..
262
00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:32,230
...and show a little love
for your fellow man.
263
00:10:32,266 --> 00:10:34,316
Ooh, he crazier
than we thought.
264
00:10:38,183 --> 00:10:41,353
You know, you got too many
red balls in one spot.
265
00:10:41,383 --> 00:10:44,223
And that star on top is crooked.
266
00:10:44,250 --> 00:10:47,200
Shawn, Lakisha and Latrina's
plane leaves in 20 minutes.
267
00:10:47,233 --> 00:10:49,133
That's it, Santa's about
to get jolly stomped.
268
00:10:49,166 --> 00:10:50,996
- Get him, Shawn.
- What did you say?
269
00:10:51,330 --> 00:10:54,000
Oh, we were just sayin'
how much fun we're havin'!
270
00:10:54,330 --> 00:10:56,170
(all)
Yeah!
271
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:58,120
And-and-and how Christmassy..
272
00:10:58,150 --> 00:11:01,170
Oh, how Christmassy
we feel, right?
273
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,350
[all cheering]
274
00:11:02,383 --> 00:11:04,003
Merry Christmas!
275
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:07,160
Ho ho ho!
Can we leave now?
276
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,170
Just keep stringin'
those lights.
277
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:11,370
You've got a long way to go.
278
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,200
Alright, look,
here's the plan.
279
00:11:14,233 --> 00:11:16,663
You go distract him,
I'm gonna go to the phone
280
00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:17,100
and try and call for help.
281
00:11:17,133 --> 00:11:18,223
- Okay.
- Alright?
282
00:11:18,250 --> 00:11:20,130
Don't worry,
I know exactly what to
do.
283
00:11:20,166 --> 00:11:21,226
Okay.
284
00:11:23,333 --> 00:11:27,153
Oh, my gosh!
Look, a ball
fell.
285
00:11:29,333 --> 00:11:32,173
Hey, Santa, look.
See?
286
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,300
I'm a flamboyant Christmas tree.
287
00:11:35,333 --> 00:11:38,153
My, is my balls ringing?
288
00:11:38,183 --> 00:11:39,303
[laughs]
289
00:11:39,333 --> 00:11:42,233
'Santa, Santa, it's a Charlie
Brown Christmas, right?'
290
00:11:42,266 --> 00:11:46,156
And I'm Franklin, the only
black peanut in the gang.
291
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:50,000
Hey, Charlie, how come everybody
else got gifts but me?
292
00:11:50,330 --> 00:11:53,150
I guess you must be
dreamin' of a white..
293
00:11:53,183 --> 00:11:54,253
...Christmas.
294
00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:58,230
[whispers]
That's all I know!
295
00:11:58,266 --> 00:12:00,376
Hello, 911?
296
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,150
Merry Christmas.
297
00:12:03,183 --> 00:12:04,333
You try that again,
you're gonna be
298
00:12:04,366 --> 00:12:05,376
a "Silent Night Holy Night."
299
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:07,500
Now get over there.
300
00:12:07,830 --> 00:12:08,100
It was Marlon's idea.
301
00:12:08,133 --> 00:12:09,223
Hey, he called you fat, Santa.
302
00:12:09,250 --> 00:12:11,500
I did not.
I said you're big-bone-ded.
303
00:12:11,830 --> 00:12:13,120
You guys don't look happy.
304
00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:15,230
Now either you get
that Christmas
spirit
305
00:12:15,266 --> 00:12:17,216
or I'm gonna blow
your heads off!
306
00:12:17,250 --> 00:12:19,230
[indistinct cheering]
307
00:12:21,300 --> 00:12:23,500
(Santa)Alright, boys and girls.
308
00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:26,000
Now speak clearly,
don't be nervous
309
00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:27,000
and remember..
310
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:29,350
...my gun is loaded.
311
00:12:29,383 --> 00:12:32,223
Alright, let the party begin!
312
00:12:39,100 --> 00:12:41,160
[clearing throat]
313
00:12:41,366 --> 00:12:43,196
Back in the day..
314
00:12:43,233 --> 00:12:45,253
[clears throat]
...I mean
315
00:12:45,283 --> 00:12:48,333
way back in the day..
316
00:12:48,660 --> 00:12:49,320
...in Bethlehem..
317
00:12:49,350 --> 00:12:52,200
...there was a fine family
of shepherds.
318
00:12:55,330 --> 00:12:56,220
I said..
319
00:12:56,250 --> 00:12:58,180
...there was a fine family
of shepherds!
320
00:12:58,216 --> 00:13:00,316
(Marlon)
'It dumb, I ain't doin'
it!'
321
00:13:00,350 --> 00:13:03,330
(Shawn)
'Yeah. I don't care if
Santa does have a gun, though'
322
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:05,166
[indistinct]
323
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:07,160
We're tellin'
this Christmas story.
324
00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:08,320
Forget about Santa.
325
00:13:08,350 --> 00:13:12,160
Don't make me come back there
with my belt and whip your
butt.
326
00:13:18,830 --> 00:13:21,000
A fine family of shepherds.
327
00:13:21,330 --> 00:13:23,250
I feel like an
Israeli cleaning
crew.
328
00:13:25,166 --> 00:13:28,296
But two of the shepherds
were selfish and thoughtless.
329
00:13:28,333 --> 00:13:32,203
They didn't want to spend
Christmas with their family.
330
00:13:32,233 --> 00:13:35,153
No, they were interested
in lust and fornication.
331
00:13:35,183 --> 00:13:37,153
And they wanted to go skiing.
332
00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:40,373
Hey, that's not a part
of the Christmas story.
333
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,830
You tell your version,
I'll tell mine!
334
00:13:44,316 --> 00:13:47,496
But as fate would have it
335
00:13:47,830 --> 00:13:50,280
the two little girls
went skiing by themselves.
336
00:13:50,316 --> 00:13:53,246
And the poor little shepherd
boy
had to spend the night..
337
00:13:53,283 --> 00:13:55,303
...watching over their sheep.
338
00:13:55,333 --> 00:13:57,253
[chuckles]
339
00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:06,200
Come on, man, I look like
the front seat of a pinto!
340
00:14:07,316 --> 00:14:08,996
What did you say?
341
00:14:09,330 --> 00:14:10,220
[imitating a sheep]
Ba!
342
00:14:12,660 --> 00:14:14,330
And suddenly..
343
00:14:14,660 --> 00:14:17,330
...the sky was filled
with a bright light.
344
00:14:17,660 --> 00:14:18,200
And when they looked up
345
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,663
you know what they saw?
346
00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:21,130
Police helicopters.
347
00:14:21,166 --> 00:14:23,296
[laughs]
348
00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:25,303
No, fool.
349
00:14:25,333 --> 00:14:27,383
An angel of the Lord.
350
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:30,330
She looks like
a ghetto butterfly.
351
00:14:31,383 --> 00:14:34,133
And the angel
looked down upon them
352
00:14:34,166 --> 00:14:36,996
and in a beautiful voice
she said.
353
00:14:37,330 --> 00:14:40,500
Fear not, behold I bring you
354
00:14:40,830 --> 00:14:43,280
good tidings of great joy
for all men.
355
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:46,216
For unto you is born this day
356
00:14:46,250 --> 00:14:48,100
in the City of David
357
00:14:48,133 --> 00:14:51,203
a savior,
who is Christ the Lord.
358
00:14:53,383 --> 00:14:55,353
(Pops)
Ah..
359
00:14:55,383 --> 00:14:58,383
And that's how
Christmas got started.
360
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,320
Thank you,
that was
beautiful.
361
00:15:01,350 --> 00:15:03,330
[chuckles]
362
00:15:03,660 --> 00:15:04,180
Now let's get into costume
363
00:15:04,216 --> 00:15:07,346
for the big
"Frosty The Snowman finale.
364
00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:10,496
Ba-a-a!
365
00:15:13,350 --> 00:15:16,120
I can't believe we're
stuck
having Christmas dinner
366
00:15:16,150 --> 00:15:18,000
with a fat psychopath.
367
00:15:18,330 --> 00:15:20,270
I know. I might as well
be home with my mother.
368
00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:23,380
Alright, everybody.
Dinner is served.
369
00:15:25,233 --> 00:15:27,663
Wow, pop, that looks slammin'!
370
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:28,270
I don't know we had
a turkey back there.
371
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:30,150
Well, it's not exactly
a turkey, son.
372
00:15:30,183 --> 00:15:31,333
I had to improvise.
373
00:15:31,366 --> 00:15:33,156
Well, what is it?
374
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:35,280
It's spurkey.
375
00:15:35,316 --> 00:15:38,496
It looks like turkey,
but tastes like spam.
376
00:15:39,166 --> 00:15:42,116
Alright, everyone sit down.
377
00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:45,300
Okay, Dee, do you want
dark pink or light pink?
378
00:15:45,333 --> 00:15:48,133
Oh, aren't we
forgetting something?
379
00:15:48,166 --> 00:15:49,326
Hot sauce?
380
00:15:49,366 --> 00:15:52,266
No. It's time to give thanks.
381
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:54,220
For spurkey?
382
00:15:54,250 --> 00:15:55,270
Marlon?
383
00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:58,200
Everybody, bow your heads,
please.
384
00:15:58,233 --> 00:16:01,133
Canned fish, cold spam,
let's eat hot damn.
385
00:16:01,166 --> 00:16:02,996
- Word up.
- Wait up, junior.
386
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:06,830
- Is that the best you can
do?
- What do you want from me?
387
00:16:06,116 --> 00:16:07,296
I'm supposed to be up
in the mountains right now
388
00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:09,173
knocking boots
with some snow bunny.
389
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,220
Instead, I had to dress
up
like Yasser Arafat
390
00:16:12,250 --> 00:16:14,280
and now I'm sitting here in
a diner with a gun in my
head
391
00:16:14,316 --> 00:16:17,176
eatin' some fake-ass spurkey.
392
00:16:17,216 --> 00:16:19,496
Why don't you just shoot me
and take me off my misery?
393
00:16:19,830 --> 00:16:20,170
It's the worst
Christmas
I ever had.
394
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:23,180
Can't you shoot me?
Can't you?
395
00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:24,196
I guess you're right.
396
00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:27,833
No, don't shoot! I don't..
397
00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:29,116
I'm not gonna shoot anyone.
398
00:16:29,150 --> 00:16:30,380
I should have known
you can't force people
399
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:32,350
to have the Christmas spirit.
400
00:16:32,383 --> 00:16:35,373
I guess nobody cares anymore.
401
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,160
Don't say that, Santa.
402
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:40,830
- Some people still care.
- Hm.
403
00:16:40,116 --> 00:16:42,176
I know it's my
favorite holiday..
404
00:16:42,216 --> 00:16:45,376
...ever since that magic
Christmas when I was four.
405
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:47,350
I can remember
like it was yesterday.
406
00:16:47,383 --> 00:16:50,153
Oh, boy, another one
of Pop's long stories.
407
00:16:50,183 --> 00:16:51,303
I tell you, this night
just keeps getting
408
00:16:51,333 --> 00:16:53,103
better and better, huh?
409
00:16:53,133 --> 00:16:54,373
See this Christmas
my daddy was away
410
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,320
fightin' in World War II.
411
00:16:56,350 --> 00:16:58,180
And mama didn't have
any money for gifts.
412
00:16:58,216 --> 00:16:59,276
So she made us some hottamales
413
00:16:59,316 --> 00:17:01,376
so we all have
something to unwrap.
414
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:03,830
[laughs]
415
00:17:03,116 --> 00:17:05,246
Y'all were poor.
416
00:17:05,283 --> 00:17:07,383
She was just about
to tuck us in
417
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,170
when we heard a noise outside.
418
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,100
We ran to the window..
419
00:17:11,133 --> 00:17:14,333
...and we saw this large man
with a big old sack.
420
00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:16,196
Santa with some toys.
421
00:17:16,233 --> 00:17:19,203
No, it was my daddy
with his dirty laundry.
422
00:17:19,233 --> 00:17:20,333
[laughs]
423
00:17:20,366 --> 00:17:23,656
He had come home
from the war..
424
00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:25,120
...on Christmas Day!
425
00:17:25,150 --> 00:17:28,330
Oh, man, he hugged the
daylights
out of my mom.
426
00:17:28,366 --> 00:17:31,216
We were jumping
all around him.
427
00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:33,120
We spent
the rest of that night..
428
00:17:33,150 --> 00:17:34,350
...listening to the radio
and eating
429
00:17:34,383 --> 00:17:37,253
US Army chocolate bars.
430
00:17:37,283 --> 00:17:39,253
That is so sweet.
431
00:17:39,283 --> 00:17:40,373
Yeah.
432
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,350
It was the happiest day
of my life.
433
00:17:43,383 --> 00:17:45,283
You know after that..
434
00:17:45,316 --> 00:17:48,296
....I decided I never would
spend another Christmas
435
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:51,333
without my family.
436
00:17:51,660 --> 00:17:54,330
Wow, Pops, I didn't know
it meant that much to
you.
437
00:17:54,660 --> 00:17:55,180
Yeah, pop.
438
00:17:55,216 --> 00:17:56,196
If you'd have told us this
439
00:17:56,233 --> 00:17:58,503
I would've cancelled
the ski trip.
440
00:17:58,830 --> 00:18:01,200
I mean, I'm sorry,
we just had booty on our
minds.
441
00:18:01,233 --> 00:18:03,383
Well...you're forgiven, son.
442
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,320
You know, I was young
once myself.
443
00:18:05,350 --> 00:18:09,000
A long time ago, brother.
444
00:18:09,330 --> 00:18:12,830
Far be it for me
to sound corny,
but..
445
00:18:12,116 --> 00:18:14,216
I'm feeling a little tingly
inside, you know?
446
00:18:16,166 --> 00:18:18,316
I think I'm feelin'
the Christmas spirit.
447
00:18:18,350 --> 00:18:21,270
Either that or that spurkey's
kickin' in.
448
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:24,100
No, no. T.C. is right,
I'm startin' to feel it
myself.
449
00:18:24,133 --> 00:18:25,273
It is Christmas.
450
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:27,270
Something must be up.
451
00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:30,300
I actually miss my mother.
452
00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:32,203
Yeah.
453
00:18:32,233 --> 00:18:34,283
I'm feeling all
good
and pure inside.
454
00:18:34,316 --> 00:18:36,996
For the first time in
years
I don't even feel
horny.
455
00:18:37,330 --> 00:18:39,330
Oh..
456
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:41,830
Wait, there it goes again.
457
00:18:43,266 --> 00:18:45,156
What do you think?
458
00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:47,150
Have we learned
our lesson, Santa?
459
00:18:47,183 --> 00:18:49,153
- Santa?
- He's gone!
460
00:18:49,183 --> 00:18:52,153
He sure move fast
for a fat man.
461
00:18:52,183 --> 00:18:54,183
Watch yourself, watch yourself.
462
00:18:54,216 --> 00:18:56,326
Santa!
463
00:19:01,660 --> 00:19:03,160
Santa?
464
00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:04,380
Santa?
465
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:06,270
Santa?
466
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:08,170
Oh, come on.
467
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:09,330
[grunts]
468
00:19:12,316 --> 00:19:15,216
I guess he shook the spot.
469
00:19:15,250 --> 00:19:18,500
Oh, man, look, stockings.
470
00:19:18,830 --> 00:19:20,230
Hey, they got our name on 'em.
471
00:19:20,266 --> 00:19:22,216
Here's a note.
472
00:19:22,250 --> 00:19:24,220
"Merry Christmas to all
473
00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:26,350
"and to all a good night.
474
00:19:26,383 --> 00:19:28,303
P.S., ho ho ho."
475
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:31,123
- Let's see what we got.
- Come on, hey.
476
00:19:32,383 --> 00:19:34,103
Oh, snap.
Check this out!
477
00:19:34,133 --> 00:19:35,173
He left me his gun.
478
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,280
Stop!
479
00:19:40,116 --> 00:19:42,116
Will you guys cut it out?
480
00:19:42,150 --> 00:19:44,130
This is a fake gun,
it's plastic, man.
481
00:19:44,166 --> 00:19:46,196
You mean, we were held hostage
with a toy?
482
00:19:46,233 --> 00:19:49,333
Not just a toy, this is
the "Action Jackson" special
483
00:19:49,660 --> 00:19:51,170
I always wanted.
484
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,380
Hey, look!
485
00:19:55,250 --> 00:19:58,830
It's bikini beach Betty!
486
00:20:00,266 --> 00:20:02,266
Hey, she got a wig!
487
00:20:03,333 --> 00:20:06,253
I waited 12 years for this?
488
00:20:06,283 --> 00:20:08,153
Man, shoo.
489
00:20:08,183 --> 00:20:11,183
Oh, bless my soul.
490
00:20:11,216 --> 00:20:13,346
- It's a Christmas miracle.
- What is it?
491
00:20:13,383 --> 00:20:16,333
What-what-what..
492
00:20:16,660 --> 00:20:18,120
(Dee)
Uh, what..
493
00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:20,320
I mean, my dolomite
decoder ring.
494
00:20:20,350 --> 00:20:22,200
(Dee)
'Oh!'
495
00:20:22,233 --> 00:20:24,123
And it fits!
496
00:20:25,283 --> 00:20:27,383
Santa, you are the man!
497
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:30,000
- He the man.
- Oh..
498
00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:32,500
Oh, my God!
499
00:20:32,830 --> 00:20:35,120
My God, my God!
500
00:20:35,150 --> 00:20:37,120
A Susan Lucci locket.
501
00:20:37,150 --> 00:20:41,330
With a picture
of Antonio Banderas in it.
502
00:20:41,660 --> 00:20:43,280
- Oh, no, he didn't!
- Will you stop?
503
00:20:43,316 --> 00:20:46,326
Give it, give it, give it.
504
00:20:46,660 --> 00:20:48,380
F-9-17.
505
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,150
Tricks better have my money.
506
00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:54,103
It works! It-it works!
507
00:20:55,166 --> 00:20:56,216
What'd you get, pop?
508
00:20:56,250 --> 00:20:59,160
Well, just a lump
of my fruitcake.
509
00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:01,220
That's worse than
a lump of coal.
510
00:21:01,250 --> 00:21:04,330
No, I'm the luckiest one of all.
511
00:21:04,366 --> 00:21:06,376
My Christmas wish was granted.
512
00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:10,250
I wanted to spend
the holidays with my sons!
513
00:21:10,283 --> 00:21:12,103
- Aw..
- Hey.
514
00:21:12,133 --> 00:21:15,833
Maybe he really is Santa.
515
00:21:15,116 --> 00:21:16,226
Oh, come on, Dee.
516
00:21:16,266 --> 00:21:18,176
Just 'cause some big fat
white man came along
517
00:21:18,216 --> 00:21:19,366
and gave us a bunch
of Christmas gifts
518
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,130
and filled us up
with holiday cheer
519
00:21:21,166 --> 00:21:23,656
don't mean
he's the real Santa Claus.
520
00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:25,280
Anyway, where's his sleigh?
521
00:21:25,316 --> 00:21:27,166
(Santa)
'Whoa, Dancer!'
522
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,130
'Easy does it, Prancer.'
523
00:21:29,166 --> 00:21:31,996
'On, Donner.
On, Blitzen.'
524
00:21:32,330 --> 00:21:35,000
'Rudolph, do your stuff!'
525
00:21:35,330 --> 00:21:36,330
Hey!
526
00:21:36,660 --> 00:21:38,120
(Santa)
'Merry Christmas to all'
527
00:21:38,150 --> 00:21:40,100
'and to all a good night!'
528
00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:41,353
Hey, Santa!
529
00:21:41,383 --> 00:21:45,283
Watch out for the top
of the Chrysler building.
530
00:21:45,316 --> 00:21:47,146
[thud]
531
00:21:48,116 --> 00:21:50,366
(Santa)
'Oops! My bad.'
532
00:21:52,183 --> 00:21:53,303
[cheering]
533
00:21:59,266 --> 00:22:02,996
♪ A dolomite decoder ring ♪
534
00:22:03,330 --> 00:22:04,200
♪ An Action Jackson pistol ♪
535
00:22:04,233 --> 00:22:07,503
♪ Bikini beach Betty ♪
536
00:22:07,830 --> 00:22:09,280
♪ A Susan Lucci locket ♪
537
00:22:09,316 --> 00:22:15,326
♪ And a sad tutti-frutti
fruitcake ♪♪
538
00:22:15,660 --> 00:22:16,280
(all)
Whoa!
539
00:22:16,316 --> 00:22:18,376
Shut up.
540
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:21,220
From all of us on
"The Wayans Brothers"
541
00:22:21,250 --> 00:22:22,370
to you and yours.
542
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:24,130
Have a very Merry Christmas.
543
00:22:24,166 --> 00:22:25,216
And a Happy New Year.
544
00:22:25,250 --> 00:22:27,330
- Peace out.
-Voila!
545
00:22:27,660 --> 00:22:29,160
(Shawn)Look out, Marlon. Say cheese.
38525
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