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Look here, Johnson,
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I'm going to get
to the bottom of this.
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Well, anyway.
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00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:09,600
Oh.
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Bring the beat back.
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Oh, yes, I remember that.
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Yes, I remember that.
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Good evening.
Our first story tonight,
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news of an incident
in Australia.
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Details are still unclear,
but it appears several
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buildings have been damaged
and civilians injured.
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I think we have some footage
that's just been submitted.
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Trust me, just run.
Run while you still can.
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It's Attenborough!
It's David Attenborough!
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He's f*cking pissed off.
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Oh sh*t, here he comes!
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Disturbing images there.
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As always, we do have
in the studio with us
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Susan Faye,
who's going to give us
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the latest on this unfolding
situation. Susan.
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Thanks, Hugh. Earlier today,
Sir David Attenborough
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went from national treasure
to international incident
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when, no longer able to
internalise his rage
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caused by decades of us
celebrating his documentaries
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while also
disregarding their message,
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he, and I quote,
"Totally flipped his biscuits."
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At 6:45 GMT, witnesses described
him as becoming
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abnormally strong, tossing
a black cab into the Thames.
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At 7:20 he was no longer able
to contain his rage against
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humanity's indifference towards
the natural world and onlookers
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say he grew substantially in
size, eventually towering over
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a double-decker bus,
or a stack of 11 children.
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At 9:20, another sighting,
this time in Dubai,
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where a towering Attenborough
headbutted the Burj Khalifa,
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knocking it to the ground,
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before eventually crossing the
Indian Ocean,
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and heading towards Australia.
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So sorry to cut you off, Susan.
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I do believe we have someone on
the ground who has a visual
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on the Attenborough,
who's now reached Sydney.
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We've got, yes, Tony is down
there, old T-bone. Tony?
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Thank you, Hugh. Well, I did
just make visual contact
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on what is now being referred to
as a massive Attenborough.
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He is absolutely humongous now,
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the very earth shaking
every time one of his
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beige-panted legs
makes landfall.
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And can you currently see him?
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No, unfortunately, we lost him
through smoke
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billowing through a skyscraper
he's just clotheslined.
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Gone is the calm, wistful,
narration,
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replaced instead by the
unforgiving wrath of a vengeful
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colossus, and easily the largest
TV presenter I have ever seen.
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Something's
gone wrong.
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Tony?
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-
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Oh my God!
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Tony?
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Dear God, no!
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Tony!
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Tony Jennings there.
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Beloved reporter,
and latest victim
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of the massive Attenborough.
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Well, we're joined now
by intelligence analyst
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Margie Smith.
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Margie, can this massive
Attenborough be reasoned with?
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Absolutely not.
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His terms are utterly
irrational.
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He's insisting that we cherish
the Earth
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the same way he does.
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Otherwise, he'll destroy us all.
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Yes, and I believe we have
audio of those demands
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being made
from a few moments ago,
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when he spoke face-to-face
with a helicopter.
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You see?
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- He's a global threat.
- Much like climate change.
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Yes, but he's a threat
right now.
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Not in some long-term way
that we can vaguely
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sort of choose
not to think about.
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Forget David, he is all Goliath.
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How can he be stopped, Margie?
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This is an existential threat,
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and it requires all of us,
regardless of our differences,
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to come together and unite
in a common strategy.
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Yes, as we're seeing.
Leaders from the US,
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China, and Russia seen here
all holding hands,
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gleefully burning an effigy of
the upscaled nonagenarian.
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Over on Twitter as well,
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the reaction has been
uncharacteristically unifying.
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Susan?
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That's right,
87% of Twitter users say
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they'd like the famed
British knight to be killed,
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while 13% say they'd like him to
be captured and then murdered.
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If you'd like to feature on our
wall, please take a photo
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with your own burning effigy
and use the hashtag
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"burnattenboroughburn."
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We're from QAnon,
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the online conspiracy supergroup
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that's all the rage.
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Using the QAnon approach,
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we help people
who have lost their voice
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find an audience.
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I'm so funny.
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Okay, so we've got Ted.
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He's a well-educated
dissident author,
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likes talking about big ideas,
but he no longer connects
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with people and
basically feels old-fashioned.
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And if you can't accept
yourself…
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No one else will.
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Meet Ted. Ted was a best-selling
anti-establishment author.
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Now, his books don't even sell
because, like, the books
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are full of boring things like
words, research, and facts. Ew!
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00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,560
Anyway, so Ted needs
a QAnon makeover
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to make sure his new ideas
spread like the plague.
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So, I used to love a good
controversial discussion,
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but recently
I've found fewer people
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wanting to share in my ideas.
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I feel like I'm losing my voice.
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I feel like
no one's listening to me.
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Knock, knock.
QAnon to the rescue.
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It's makeover time.
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The aesthetic of your ideas,
their style,
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the way you communicate.
It's all a bit meh.
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00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,520
And we thinks
it needs a refresh.
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We want you to go from has-been
to conspira-seen.
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I'm for it.
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Oh, Ted.
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Ted's house is spacious, homely,
and well-designed.
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Reeks of sheeple.
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We are going to give it a
refresh that's more suited
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to a modern man with outlandish
and fashionable ideas.
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We're going to take away
any single open window,
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and maybe even open doors.
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Ted is going to be isolated
like he's never been before.
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Gang. We're going to break
this bread together.
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Okay. Ready? Steady, and go.
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First step is, um, your books.
Media Manipulation.
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Silencing of Dissidents.
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I mean, that culture of
authorship is just so passé.
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Yeah.
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That's the old you because now
it's the 2020's, Teddy.
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You have to be creating
clickbait with wild titles like,
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Why All Democrats Eat Babies.
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And, How Bill Gates Caused 5G.
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Ten Things In Toothpastes
That'll Control Your Mind.
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But none of
those things are true.
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Teddy, it doesn't matter what's
true. What matters…
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is always being right.
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- I see.
- See.
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My man!
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00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:43,560
Goodbye, Manufacturing Consent.
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00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:47,040
Hello, Manufacturing Content.
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More like,
Carl Jung's The Dead Book.
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00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,080
Oh wow. This looks nice.
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It actually looks really nice.
Do you want that?
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It's great.
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It's like a rebirth, I guess.
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00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:03,920
I liked the thing
about, um…
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...being right.
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I think that's,
that's the key to it.
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Well done, Ted.
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Well done.
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I don't have any regrets.
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I think it's the right way
forward for me.
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They found Elvis.
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Wow, just perfect.
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Is this the bit
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where we go
to the fancy designer shop?
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We were thinking more
a paramilitary look.
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Because nothing's screams,
"My ideas are worth hearing,"
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00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,880
than looking as if you're going
to murder someone
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if they don't listen to you.
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00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,320
While Veroche
picks your outfit,
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we're going to
sort your hair out.
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I trust you guys.
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So you should, mate.
So you should.
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Okay, Ted. Come on out.
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What's up, Ted Heads?
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Yeah!
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Oh man!
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So, what's the title
of your next video, Ted?
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My Proof that Feminists
Are Actually Jewish Paedophiles.
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Like that?
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00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:48,200
I can't believe that just
two weeks ago,
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you were writing proper books
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that weren't getting read by
anyone.
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Now, you've got over 20,000
YouTube subscribers in two days,
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and the stuff you're saying
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is an incomprehensible,
garbled form of psychosis.
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You did it.
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Hail the lizards!
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00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:08,040
Ted Heads! Ted Heads! Ted Heads!
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00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:18,040
["The Star-Spangled Banner"
plays]
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Oh my God, Jess!
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00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,360
So good to see you out.
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00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:25,760
But wait, if you're here,
who's looking after the kids?
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00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:26,880
Um, Paul.
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that dad life
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00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:30,600
we splash-splash
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00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:35,120
of a modern major daddy
200
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:38,360
did you hear that?
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00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:40,600
what a total catch
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00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,880
it's still mostly me
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00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:49,640
I'm clocking overtime
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if it fits my schedule
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what you're doing right now!
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00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:01,360
It's not babysitting
if it's your own kid.
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00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:05,520
I just say f*ck it
208
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,720
27 chicken nuggets
209
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,040
a healthy wrap and grapes
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00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:12,320
not all heroes wear capes
211
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:15,080
read the recipe wrong
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00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:16,960
our 6-month-old is strong
213
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:19,200
committed an assault
214
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:20,080
What the f*ck?
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00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,080
I've got them dad vibes
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00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:25,360
for twice the praise
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00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,200
I get heaps of cred
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00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:32,560
I mean,
you only put them to bed,
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00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:33,440
like, twice a week.
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00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:36,000
she snapped you up
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00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:37,800
Oh my actual God.
222
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:41,080
Okay.
223
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,680
for doing f*ck all
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00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,760
was when he emptied his balls
225
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,040
f*cking Pied Piper
226
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:49,040
confidence, Paul
227
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:50,440
a diaper?
228
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:58,200
No… aargh…
229
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:01,880
Aah.
230
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,120
Eurgh!
231
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:23,520
I got them dad vibes
232
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,800
need to go night-night
233
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,680
let's hear it for the dads
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00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,000
Why don't you hang
with the lads?
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00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:32,160
a girl's night
236
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,480
Ooh, I work so hard.
237
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,640
I got them dad vibes
238
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,000
I got them dad vibes
239
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:46,280
I got them dad vibes
240
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,640
On me, on me,
form a line.
241
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:08,640
Today is the day. Here we stand,
and there the enemy stands.
242
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:12,160
Today, we're going to send them
a message,
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00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:14,400
that not a single one
of their footsteps
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00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,240
is going to desecrate
our national soil.
245
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:18,000
They’re attacking, okay.
246
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,960
Form a line, form a line! Ready?
247
00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:24,720
And… cross… fingers
248
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:28,960
Wait, hold on.
249
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,760
Wait, so cross fingers,
but, you know,
250
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,200
then we go get our swords,
yeah?
251
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:35,080
No, no, the power of positive
thinking will win the battle.
252
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,000
We have to manifest our victory.
253
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:37,880
You what?
254
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,200
I read a self-help parchment.
255
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:43,440
If you will something to happen,
it will happen.
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00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:44,920
Right.
257
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,440
Just not sure the enemy's swords
are going to respect the fact
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00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:49,440
that I was really hoping
to win today.
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00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:51,240
Oh, negative ninny. Watch out.
260
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:52,880
She's going to cost us
the battle.
261
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,080
General, could I just get
a sword as backup?
262
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:56,080
Yeah, I'll take one.
263
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,000
What, and stoop to their level?
264
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,240
What,
their level of being armed?
265
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:02,960
Look, as soon as you pick up
a sword,
266
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,120
you're committed to losing.
267
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:05,080
Because you've stopped
believing.
268
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:06,880
And that's what we need to do,
we need to believe.
269
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,880
General, positive attitude
on occasion,
270
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:13,000
can help you motivate
to take positive steps,
271
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:16,600
but positive attitude
cannot replace those steps.
272
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:18,600
Oh sh*t, they're charging.
273
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,320
All right, get ready
to defend yourself.
274
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:23,520
And, raise shields!
275
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:25,960
F*ck.
276
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:27,880
It's a f*cking mood board.
277
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:29,400
A better defence
against negative thinking,
278
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:30,280
I do not know.
279
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:33,920
Actual physical pain.
280
00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:36,120
Okay, screw this.
I'm going to go to the armoury,
281
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:37,160
get us a sword or two.
282
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:41,360
Get me one too. A big one.
283
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:42,280
Oh my God!
284
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:43,920
He's costing us
the mental battle.
285
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,480
I'd rather win
the physical battle, General.
286
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:47,760
- It's too late!
287
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:48,640
They're upon us.
288
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:49,520
Form the line.
289
00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:52,960
All right. Reach into
your weapon pouches and…
290
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:55,440
...charge!
291
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,200
Oh sh*t!
292
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:08,280
-
293
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,520
Well, I think it's quite catchy.
294
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,080
It's Bono and
Taylor Swift's latest single,
295
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:14,040
"Atten-Bomb,"
296
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:17,680
urging for Sir David's
utter annihilation,
297
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,520
and that's currently
sitting at number one.
298
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,400
Proceeds, of course,
going to Trident,
299
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,880
the UK's missile defence system,
300
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:29,840
which will shortly strike the
massive Attenborough,
301
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:31,320
directly in the face.
302
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:35,280
And I think we have a live feed
of the operation now.
303
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,920
There it is. The juggernaut
headed out to sea.
304
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:42,240
It's a very tense atmosphere
in the studio, I can tell you.
305
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:45,880
This footage, of course, being
provided by a joint task force
306
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:50,440
made up of the Navy seals, SAS,
and all the terrorists.
307
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:51,960
Putting aside their differences
308
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,120
because this really
affects us all,
309
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:57,000
unlike anything else
I can think of right now.
310
00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,400
And I believe we're
moments away.
311
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,240
Yes, this, this could be it.
312
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:22,360
Yes, they
did it! Oh, what a result.
313
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:25,080
We, yes, believe
Sir David Attenborough,
314
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:28,640
creator of over 30 beloved
documentaries,
315
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,280
has been neutralised.
316
00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:31,800
What a victory.
317
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:36,840
There will be celebrations in
cities across the globe tonight.
318
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:41,360
Yes, it's so heart-warming
to see humanity come together
319
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:44,480
to solve a problem
through extreme violence
320
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:45,640
in the short term.
321
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:46,880
It's what we do best.
322
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,360
There's literally nothing else
this collected
323
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,440
resources and energy...
thank you...
324
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,920
could have been used to solve,
especially not the issues
325
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:57,160
that set off the massive
Attenborough in the first place.
326
00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:00,920
Well, I'm off to
immediately propose to someone.
327
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:01,880
Here's the weather.
328
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:13,080
Oh, yes,
I remember that.
329
00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:14,320
Yes, I remember that.
330
00:17:14,370 --> 00:17:18,920
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