All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S03E06 - Indianapolis (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Now, after we are
given the certificate,

who do you think
should speak first?

I think it should
be me and then you.

But, if you want,
it could be you and then me.

Or it could go me, you, me.

What do you think?
How about just you?

Thank you, Ron. Yes.

Tomorrow,
the Parks and Rec Department

is receiving a commendation
at the Indiana Statehouse

for bringing
the Harvest Festival back.

And although it's
purely ceremonial,

it's a huge deal for me
to go to the Statehouse.

I couldn't care less
about the commendation.

But Indianapolis is home to
Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse,

the best damn
steakhouse in the damn state.

I have taken a picture of every
steak I've ever eaten there.

June 2004.

Porterhouse,
medium rare, B�arnaise sauce.

January 2000.
They call this one "The Enforcer."

February '96.

The steak, rib eye.
The whiskey, Lagavulin 16.

The lady next to me, a bitch.

Specifically,
my ex-wife, Tammy.

Okay, this is the first
time I ever went there.

Oh, look at me.
I'm just a kid.

She's showing
some elephant...

Ooh, la la. Look who's fancy.

Am I wearing an ascot?
I didn't notice.

Big night at
the Snakehole Lounge!

It's a launch party

for Dennis Feinstein's new fragrance,
Allergic for Men.

Pawnee's own Dennis Feinstein
is a real up-and-comer

in the world of micro-brewed
perfumes and body sprays.

His ether-based perfume,
Blackout,

was named one of Maxim's top hundred
ways to trick someone into sex.

Club opens at 6:00,
event starts at 9:00.

No, no, way too late.
I will be deep into my bath by then.

Don't let us picture that.
Ben, you gonna go?

I don't think so.

Probably just gonna take it easy,
but thank you.

Yeah, they always ask me
to go out with them.

They're just being polite.

I move around a lot,

so the friends I
make in these cities,

they're like
Facebook friends, you know?

"Hey, Doug from Bloomington is
thinking about buying a shirt."

Come on, Doug, who cares?

Okay, Tom,
I want you to take Ben

and make him go to
that antihistamine party.

It's "Allergic,"
and forget it.

He doesn't know
anybody in town.

Come on, Tom, take him
under your tiny little wing.

He's a fully
grown man, Leslie.

And tonight's just
not about pleasure.

I'm schmoozing
Dennis Feinstein

so I can pitch him my new cologne,
Tommy Fresh.

Okay, well,
while you're doing that,

I want you to picture
Ben in his motel room,

all by himself with no friends,
staring at the wall.

Deal.
Tom.

So my band's
working on a new album.

Oh, yeah?
What's it called?

April Ludgate is
the Best Ever, Volume One.

Shut up.

So, what do you
wanna do tonight?

We could watch TV
at Burly's house

or we could watch
TV at your house.

Or, I mean, we could
watch TV at Best Buy.

Why don't we go
to Tom's thing?

That weird cologne party
thing at the Snakehole?

I kind of forgot that you need
money when you have a girlfriend.

I wanna treat
April like a queen,

and queens deserve
flowers and massages,

chocolate, booze,
diamonds, rubies, emeralds,

them treasure chests
full of scarves,

different kinds of lubes that
warm up when you rub 'em on stuff.

I'm gonna give her all
that stuff. And more.

That sounds pretty awesome.
Yeah, let's do it.

Okay.
Okay.

All right. Bye.

Bye.

I don't know.

I guess we're dating.

It's new. Whatever!
I don't like labels.

Go away.

This?
That would be good.

But does it say,
"Hello, general assembly,

"I've come to Indianapolis
to accept your commendation?"

As much as any
one dress could.

Leslie, I think
Chris is cheating on me.

What? That lying bastard!
Wait. How do you know?

I don't have
any actual proof.

Then I'm sure he's
not cheating on you.

And if he is,
he's a monster.

And if he's not,
you guys are great together.

But if he is,
I will kill him.

Well, we had
a really good conversation

about our
relationship last week,

and he was very reassuring that
we're headed in a good direction.

Great.
But then he got distant.

And when I asked to come
visit him in Indianapolis,

he was totally weird.

He was weird.

Look, it sounds like
you're just spiraling.

But what if I'm not?
What if I'm not?

What if he has
a girl up there?

I think he's cheating
on me.

Wow. Okay.

Well, luckily,
I'm heading up there.

I'll invite him out to dinner and
I'll poke around a little bit.

Okay. I mean,
he's not gonna be able

to keep anything from me.

In high school,
they used to call me Angela Lansbury.

But that was
because of my haircut.

Hey, champ.

Hey, champion.

Listen,
you should come out tonight.

Club's gonna be dope.

Plus, I'm pretty sure you
have nothing else going on.

Well, that's not
totally true.

The owner of
the motel I'm staying at

said she was gonna screen
Hope Floats in the lobby.

Asked me if
I wanted to watch.

Yeah. You should
probably get out of that.

I think she's
gonna murder you.

Come on down
to the Snakehole.

I'm not gonna take
no for an answer.

Okay. Yeah, no,
I'll stop by.

Cool.
Thank you.

Hey, you mind if I ask?
What are you gonna wear tonight?

You know, I was probably
just gonna stick with this.

Come on, seriously.
What are you gonna wear?

Something totally different.
Probably go home and grab something.

Cool.

If you would be willing
to just take a brief pit stop,

we could see Indiana's
second-largest rocking chair.

No.

Then maybe we should take
a quick two-hour sojourn

to Dame Gervin's
Misshapen Celebrity Castle.

It's where Madame Tussaud sends
all of its failed wax figures,

and if you can figure out who it is,
you get to take it home.

No.

What's wrong with you,
grouchy pants?

I've been fasting all day
to save room for Mulligan's.

Fasting's not
healthy for you, Ron.

Leslie,
you need to understand,

we are heading for the most
special place on earth.

When I'm done
eating a Mulligan's meal,

for weeks afterwards,
there are flecks of meat

in my mustache,
and I refuse to clean it

because, every now and then,
a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.

I forgot to tell you,
Chris Traeger

is joining us
for dinner tonight.

Please tell me he's meeting
us at the restaurant.

No, we are picking him up.

Damn it, woman!

Welcome.
I am so glad you guys called.

This is gonna be great.
Come on in, come on in.

Sure.
Or we could just...

Wow!

Look at your foyer.

It's like a spa in here.

Exactly.
The entranceway to your house

sends a message to the world
about who you are.

And the front door provides
energy flow and opportunity.

You cannot limit that.

Yeah. Ron doesn't
even have a front door.

He won't even
tell me his address.

Ask him where he lives.
Where do you live?

Why?

So this is some kind
of coat closet or something?

Wow, there's a lot of
men's coats in here.

I like coats.

Could I use your
bathroom really quick?

It's right behind you.
Okay.

Toilet seat's up.

Hey, let me get a beer
and a Pawnee Sunrise.

Do you wanna pay
cash or start a tab?

I... It's okay...
I know Tom.

Tom who?

Tom Hammen...
Hammenstein.

Haverford.
Haverford.

He's, like, my best friend.

Hey, Freddy, this guy says he knows
Tom and wants a drink for free.

You got money to
pay for those drinks?

Yes. No.

Make room for
the paying customers, huh?

Let's go, Knope!

Just one second.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, I think you
might be right.

I found a woman's razor in Chris's
shower and a pink swimming cap.

Are you serious?
What the hell?

You know, it could be nothing,
but it feels like something.

I don't...
I'm coming up there.

Wait.

All right, okay.

All right, let's go.

Oh, my God.

They just forgot to
unlock the door, that's all.

Ron, it looks like
they're closed

for some kind of
health code violation.

Ron, stop it! Ron?

They just boarded her up like
she was some common warehouse.

I should have been here.

What happened to the steaks that
were in there when they closed?

Do you think they got eaten?

Why don't we go back to my place
and I'll fire up the grill?

You sure you're not expecting
company or something?

No.

What do you say, Ron?

Go back to my place,
I'll make you some grub?

It'll be just as good
as it would've been here.

Okay.
Okay.

That man is a legend.

Think about all
the scents he's created.

Attack, Yearning, Thickening,
Itch, Coma, Sideboob.

Dennis Feinstein,
though?

I don't know.
He should probably change

his name to something
a little more exotic

if he wants to make
it big in perfume.

Oh, his real name is
Dante Fiero,

but he changed it
to Dennis Feinstein

'cause that's way
more exotic in Pawnee.

Okay.
So what's your plan?

Wait till he's alone,

then I'll walk up and
spray him with Tommy Fresh,

and I say, " Uh-oh.

"Looks like you just
inhaled your future."

Yeah.
That might actually work.

Is everything okay?

It kind of sucks
that I'm super broke

and I wanna buy you stuff and it's
embarrassing that I can't, but...

I'm broke too,
and I don't want anything.

I just wanna
hang out with you.

Plus, I can get free
drinks any time I want.

How?

I'm a girl
in a sleazy club.

Hey.
Hey.

I hate drinking alone.

Can I get you a drink?
Sure.

Triple whiskey.

What's your name?

Oprah.
I'm Kevin.

Cool.
I kind of wanna drink alone.

But... I said I wanna drink alone.

Thanks. Bye.

Here. You take
this one.

I will get myself
a martini from that idiot.

So, Chris,
do you have any sisters?

No, I don't, Leslie.
Do you have sisters?

Maybe. So how's your mom?
Is she visiting?

No, she's home up in Wisconsin.
Is your mom visiting?

Any aunts?
Nope. You have aunts?

Girl cousins?
A youthful grandmother, perhaps?

Nope.

Did you forget how to
have a conversation?

I am so happy
you guys are here.

I'm gonna go
fire up the grill.

I'm gonna kill him, Ron.

Why?

Chris is cheating on Ann.
There's evidence everywhere.

She's coming up here
so they can have it out.

Ask her to bring
some garlic salt.

I'm worried Chris
doesn't have any.

I got this from a waiter.

I told him I had
a pork deficiency.

Sweet! Pigs in a blanket.

I always wondered why
they call them that.

Look what I got.
Look what I got from the bathroom.

Mints. Six of 'em.

Nice.
Yeah.

Okay, whoever gets the most free
stuff by the end of the night wins.

Deal.

Go!

Ron, would you like
some salad?

Since I am not a rabbit,
no, I do not.

Try it. Salad's
good for you.

You got it.

Mmm.
Delicious.

So, Chris, what do you do
up here in your spare time?

Well, I exercise,
and I exercise my mind.

And I try to keep
up on current events.

Oh, that's what
you call it.

Sorry?
How are things going with Ann?

You know what's
funny about Ann?

She's my best friend,

and anyone who hurt her is
someone I would murder, probably.

Oh, is that
what's upsetting you?

This is very uncomfortable for me.
I don't know what to say.

Watch the master
work it.

I'm the Yoda
of networking.

Well, Yoda wouldn't
actually need networking.

I mean, his powers
were more spiritual.

Shut up, you nerd!

I get it. Okay.

Mr. Feinstein,
Tom Haverford.

I'm the organizer
of this soiree

and I'm also
a huge fan of yours.

I use all your colognes.
Sometimes two at once!

I don't recommend that.
Are you from the FDA?

You know, legally, if you're from
the FDA, you have to tell me.

I wanted to talk to you because
I actually created my own scent.

Great. I'd love
to smell it, right?

I know you're
a busy guy.

Yeah, man.
I'm crazy busy.

But all day long,
people are pitching me colognes.

That guy just pitched me
a cologne called Sluts.

I'm gonna tell you what I told him.
Not just anybody can do this.

Although it's a great name,
and I'm probably gonna steal it.

Please, it'll take
two seconds.

If you like it,
maybe we go into business together,

branch out in other states,

move over to watches
and fancy raincoats,

open up stores in
London and Paris.

I don't know.
I haven't thought it through.

But for now, I want
to present Tommy Fresh.

All right, I get it.

It's a gag scent.
Hilarious!

As in, "It's hilarious
how awesome it is"?

It smells like somebody spilled
Chinese food in a bird cage.

Horrible!
It's assaultive.

It takes everything in my
power to not retch right now.

Kid, you need to
find another game.

Leave perfumery
to the real men.

Hey, Ann, if you get this,
I don't know if you should come up here.

He's not worth it, okay?

Call me, let me know where you are,
and if you have...

Ron?

What in the
devil's name is this?

Portobello mushrooms.

Where's the steak?
There's no steak.

That's a healthier option.
It's organically grown.

Lord.

Ron, are you okay?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.

Could you get us a cold
compress or something?

Hey, six beers
for table 12.

Do you work here?

Yeah. My dad owns
this place.

I'm Janet.
Janet Snakehole.

Hey!
This round's on the house!

All right!

How about some tips?

Gum or mint, sir?

Gum.

Then a mint, I guess.
All out, sir.

Don't have those either, sir.

Do you have anything?
Out of everything, sir.

This is so awesome!

We are like Robin Hood.

We steal from the club
and we give to ourselves.

Look, we'll find
a 24-hour diner.

Or we can get one of those cows
that we saw on the way up here

and we'll bring it back and
we'll make steaks out of that.

Ann Perkins,
what are you doing here?

Whose pink razor's
in your shower?

Excuse me?

Leslie found a pink razor and a
pink swimming cap in your shower.

Whose is it?

I guess you're
talking about my razor.

I shave my legs for swimming,
and women's razors work better.

For whatever reason,
men's razor technology

hasn't figured out how to
properly contour the shinbone.

And the swimming cap?

Indiana Breast Cancer
Awareness Triathlon, 2009.

Came in fourth!

Well, I found concealer in your
medicine cabinet. What's that about?

I'm a human being.

Sometimes I get blemishes.
I'm not perfect.

Oh, God.
I am so sorry, honey.

I'm so embarrassed.

I was scared that you
were cheating on me.

No, I'm not cheating
on you.

But I'm also
not dating you.

We broke up
last week.

We talked at your house.
Do you not remember this?

Of course I remember,
but we didn't break up.

I'm sorry, Ann,
but I'm certain we did.

Okay, you said that you
didn't wanna leave Pawnee

and that I was the most
amazing woman you had ever met.

Which you are.
And then I said

that I would move to
Indianapolis if I had to,

and you said you didn't
wanna make me do that,

and then you said that
in a different world...

Oh, my God.
You broke up with me.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, so here's
what happened.

Sweet and beautiful Ann
has never been dumped before,

and Chris is such
a positive person,

when he broke up with her,
she just didn't realize it.

It's kind of understandable.

Although it does kind of make you
wonder how good of a nurse she is.

Oh, my God.
You left, and you said

you were gonna work late,
and I kissed you?

As enjoyable as that was,
I did find it odd.

And then I wanted
you to meet my parents?

I'm sure they're
great people, but strange.

This is humiliating.
I'm sorry, I gotta go.

Hey...

Hey, man.

I got you
another melon-tini.

Thanks.

Listen, that guy is a jerk,
and if you ask me, he smells like...

Success!
He smells like success.

You know what I smell like?

A teriyaki hairpiece?

I smell like the guy
who's always coming up short.

And you know what?
I'm just sick of it.

Tommy Fresh was my dream.

Now no one's ever
gonna smell it but me.

I can smell
your dreams, Tom.

I can.

And I can smell 'em
from here.

And honestly, they
smell terrible.

But I like Tom.

I've got a jar of olives.

Nice.

A thing of toothpicks
that look like swords.

And a year's
supply of toilet paper.

I got... Boom!
$38 in tips.

$180.

We should give it back.
We should give it back.

Follow me.
Okay.

Oh, my God.

Wow. Thank you.

One time, when I was
in high school,

a guy's mom called me and
broke up with me for him.

There was another time
where I was on a date

and I tripped and
broke my kneecap.

And then the guy said
he wasn't "feeling it,"

so he left and I
waited for an ambulance.

One time I was dating
this guy for a while,

and then he got
down on one knee

and he begged me to
never call him again.

One guy broke up with me while
we were in the shower together.

Skywriting isn't
always positive.

Another time, a guy invited me to a
beautiful picnic with wine and flowers,

and then, when I tried
to sit down, he said,

"Don't eat anything.
Rebecca's coming."

And then he broke up with me.

Who was Rebecca?

Yeah. Exactly.

Thanks for driving me.

Wait. You're getting your commendation
tomorrow at the Statehouse.

Oh, please. It's just a goofy ceremony.
I don't even care about it.

Leslie.

Besides, Ron is
staying behind. He'll go.

Is Ron gonna be okay?

I honestly don't know.

This isn't a steak.
Why would you call it that on your menu?

I don't know what
to tell you, man.

Just give me all the
bacon and eggs you have.

Wait, wait.

I worry what you
just heard was,

"Give me a lot of
bacon and eggs."

What I said was, "Give me all
the bacon and eggs you have."

Do you understand?

It's called a Tommytini.
It's just vodka and a bunch of cinnamon.

That sounds gross.
- Ben.

Oh, Miller Lite.
How'd you know?

Everybody knows.
That's your drink.

Tommy.
Let's do this.

Mmm.

How's it going?

Hey, look who's socializing!

Yeah, and I'm
having a good time.

Sit with us.
Okay.

Ann's in kind of a crappy mood
because Chris dumped her.

Yeah, like a week
ago, right?

Yeah, but I only knew
about it an hour ago.

So that's why you
tried to kiss him.

We were all seriously
confused about that.

Who's "we"?
What are you... Oh, God.

Did you keep
the toilet paper?

Yes. I feel bad,
but I need it.

Hey, hey, that's
gotta be Feinstein's car.

Give me...
Give me the Tommy Fresh.

Why?
Give me Tommy Fresh.

He's gonna smell
your dreams now.

Are you okay?

Is it that bad?

Oh, my God,
it's unbelievable.