All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S03E05 - Media Blitz (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

I found this typewriter next
to the courtyard dumpster.

An old Underwood 5 with
original carriage return.

Took her home, polished her up
and bought a brand new ribbon

off of
electronicbay. com.

Okay, somebody has
got to do something.

I'm getting
a cluster headache.

He's leaving.

Let's go.

I've got
to throw it away.

No, I'm not.
It weighs a billion tons.

What is he
typing, anyway?

"If you sons of bitches try to remove
this typewriter, I'll kill you."

I'm going to type
every word I know!

Rectangle.
America.

Megaphone.
Monday.

Butthole.

Well,
I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings,

but these interviews are more
important than we thought.

Harvest Fest is
two weeks away,

and awareness is still pretty low.

Boy, 35%?
It's actually 34.2%.

"34.2%." I'm Ben,
the numbers robot.

It's just an exact calculation.

"It's just an exact calculation."
All right.

So, we're doing a huge media blitz
to publicize the Harvest Festival,

and we've got TV,
newspaper, radio...

And I even called Oprah.

Well, I tried to call Oprah.
I couldn't get her number.

I'm putting it out there,
like The Secret.

And hopefully,
she'll call me.

Our first interview is at 93.7
F.M. with Crazy Ira and The Douche.

Crazy Ira and...
The Douche.

They are Pawnee's most
hilarious drive time radio guys.

So much better than Tubby Tony
and the Papaya. Am I right?

They're
seriously so funny.

Is this right?

This feels
almost perfect,

but I don't think your core
has maximized elasticity.

Okay. I'll come back,
if you guys are being weird.

No, no, no,
no, no.

You're exactly the person that I most
want to talk to, right at this moment.

And lunge.

Have you given my offer
any more thought?

What exactly would happen if I said yes?

Well, you would work
at the state house.

You would coordinate my
professional and personal schedule,

and we would give you a small relocation
fee for your move to Indianapolis.

That sounds boring.

But I have nothing
keeping me here.

Do you have Internet in your office?
Yes.

Fine, I'll do it.

That is literally the best
news that I've heard all day.

Unlike April,
I still do not know

what my future
holds with Chris.

And it's starting
to bum me out.

I need some more vitamin D.
Yeah.

Hey. Crazy. What was
that meeting about?

It turns out Chris
is my real dad.

I think you're lying.

I think I know what
that meeting was about.

You can't go
to Indianapolis.

There's got to be
something that I can do

to convince you how
much I care about you.

Tell me your least favorite
things you have to do every day,

and I'll do them for a month.
Fine.

If you do everything
I hate for a month,

then I might begin to
think about the possibility

of thinking about
maybe staying.

That's all I
have to hear.

You won't live
to regret this.

Unless Andy
can un-kiss Ann,

then I'm not going
to change my mind.

But if he wants to take my dumb
sister to her dumb dance class,

then I'm not going
to dumb stop him.

Crazy Ira
and The Douche, 93.7.

You know why I'd never be an astronaut?

Two words.
Space farts.

You can't roll down the window of
the shuttle. Am I right, folks?

Houston, we have a...

What do you think about that,
Neil Armstrong?

That's one smallfor man,

one giantfor mankind.

All right.
Switching gears here now.

We've got Leslie Knope and
Tom "Haverfart" and Ben Wyatt.

And they're in the hizzy to
talk about an upcoming event

called
the Harvest Festival.

Well, The Douche,
it's a Pawnee tradition,

and it's where fun
meets awesome.

Meets agriculture.

And it is going to be next month,
right here in Pawnee.

And spoiler alert, it's going
to have the best corn maze ever.

You lost your virginity in a corn maze,
didn't you, Douche?

That's right.
To your mom.

Crazy Ira!
Clean your room!

There's also going to be hay rides.
"Hey, ride me,"

is what Crazy Ira's
mom said.

Stop it!

China Joe,
you are a poet.

My bird is missing.
I need a permit to post signs.

Let me just look
for that form.

There's no time!
He can fly!

Nine things
April hates to do.

Number one,
run the permits desk for an hour.

That's no problem.

I eat "running the permits
desk for an hour" for breakfast.

Ow. That's... Ow.

Henry. Stop it.
Great. Ow.

Okay, Henry.
Cute kid.

Andy.

Got a sec?
Yeah.

Henry.

Why are you working
the permits desk,

and why was that child
clubbing your nuggets?

I'm trying to stop April
from taking a job with Chris,

so I'm doing everything she
hates doing for the next month.

That's going
to work?

She said it might.

But it's all
I've got, man.

Give me the list.
I'll help you.

Oh, my God.
Thank you.

You got it.

No, I don't care about
their relationship.

I just don't want
to lose April.

I would never be able to
find a worse assistant.

Okay.
Thanks, Leslie.

But you know,
what we really want to do today

is have a chat
with Ben Wyatt, here.

Come on, Ben.
Come on, Ben.

I'm more of a
behind-the-scenes kind of guy.

Well, it's either come with
us or get in the spank chair.

So, maybe it's time for an interview.
Come on, everybody, give him a hand.

Come on!
Come on over, Ben. Yeah.

So, this guy, Ben Wyatt...
We're looking him up on AltaVista.

He's from some hick town,
Partridge, Minnesota.

And when he's 18,
he's elected mayor.

That's funny.
That's funny.

Yeah, he's 18,
becomes the mayor,

and then blows the whole
budget on an ice skating rink.

City goes bankrupt.
Joke!

Get out of there!

What did you call it again, bro?
What was it called?

Say it.

Ice Town.

I was a kid.
And when you...

You end up getting out
there and there's a...

I really wish you guys could
see this guy right now.

He is drenched
in sweat.

There's also going to be
ponies at the Harvest Festival.

All right.
Let's take a caller from Douche Nation.

All right.
Talk to me, caller.

What's up, guys?
Just douching over here in Eagleton.

Sweet.

Seems like 18 is pretty
young for a mayor.

What were you, like, 12?

The funny... When...

I guess...

The fortunate...

Can we just, sort of...

Game over, man.
Game over.

Nice job, man. Was that your first
time talking to other people?

Because it came
off that way.

You embarrassed me in
front of The Douche.

I'm sorry,
you guys. I just...

I haven't had to deal with
that mayor stuff for 17 years.

I guess I'm not
totally over it.

No worries.
Look, it was just a bump in the road.

Okay.
Fortunately, the Leslie-mobile

is an all-terrain
vehicle.

So, everything involving Ben is fine.

I just need to talk to you in
private about something different

that is not
Ben-related.

Ben, good job.

Your boy's
a nightmare.

I know,
but we need him.

If they ask us about the budget,
he's our numbers guy.

Well, we should just slap a pair
of Ray-Bans on a calculator,

because that would be way more charming.

I'll do the newspaper interview.
You and Ben do Channel Four.

Perd Hapley is a big softie.
It'll be a puff piece.

He can do it.

So,
how are you liking Pawnee?

There are
a lot of cars.

I mean,
not too many.

Trucks and stuff.
But, you know...

Cool. Good talk,
Ice Town. Okay.

Wow. Who knew that watercress,
garbanzo beans and walnuts

could complement
each other so well?

Good dressing,
too, right?

Flaxseed and agave.
Same basic ingredients as bird feed.

I'm just going to come
right out and say it.

I want to define
your bagua.

Okay. What's that?

It's a feng
shui term.

The energy in this
house is a little stale.

But I think I can redefine your
flow in a very positive way.

Great. I'm not really attached to
the way this stuff is arranged.

Or the stuff itself.

Or this house,
even, really.

Great, let's do it.

Am I not
being obvious enough?

I feel like
I'm being obvious.

This just in. Harvest Festival
more like "Harvest Bestival."

The Parks Department
has planted the seeds,

and now, they're
harvesting the rewards.

Great. You done?

They'll put the fun in funnel cake.
Okay. Now, I'm done.

Tell me about Ben Wyatt.
Sure.

He works for
the state government,

and he's been coming to
advise us about our budget.

Come on, Leslie.
The Douche blew this story wide open.

Ben Wyatt bankrupts a town
and then comes to Pawnee

to tell us how
to spend our money?

There's no story
here, Shauna.

He's just a dedicated civil servant
who is doing whatever he can

to make sure that this is the
best Harvest Festival ever.

And he's easy on the
eyes, too.

What exactly is the nature of
your relationship with him?

Strictly professional.
Just friends.

So, are you colleagues
or are you friends?

We are colleagues
with benefits.

We're colleagues who benefit from
the fact that we're also friends.

I'm sorry, Shauna.
I think I need to go.

But, thank you
so much,

and as always,
everything I said is off the record.

Okay? Bye.

What's the next task?

We have to write
her grandmother

a thank you note
for a birthday check.

It has to be really good, too,
because it's five months late.

Never written a thank you note before.
This will be fun.

What does
she call her?

Gamma. No.
Nanna.

Or Nana. Gizmo.
Something like that.

This is for your Gizmo.
I think you'll find it's pretty good.

"Dear April's grandmother..."
I said grandfather.

Oops.
Okay.

"You are a beautiful
and amazing woman." Man.

"I hope someday,
I can become half the woman you are."

He's a man.

"Thank you for the $500."
It was $5.

"Enjoy the Mouse
Rat CD." He is deaf.

Okay. Do you want me to make
those changes, or is it good?

Before we do
this next interview,

there's a little secret
I want to let you in on.

It's called
the "Haverford Schmooze."

Look, I was just caught off guard.
I'm fine.

Three easy steps.

Smile, friendly physical
contact and flattery.

"Hey, Perd. Was your dad RoboCop?
Because your arms are guns."

RoboCop didn't have
guns for arms.

Oh, my God.
That's so not the point, you nerd.

Just saying.

Why are we
at a mall?

We're getting you
a new suit.

I've let this go on
long enough.

I like this suit.
You shouldn't,

because it looks
like garbage.

Your suit looks
more like garbage.

Really?
Yeah.

Because Brooks Brothers
Boys doesn't make garbage.

Okay. This next thing is a
photography class assignment.

Can you figure
that out?

"Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy."

Melancholy.
Easy.

Boom. A sad desk.

Boom. Sad wall.

It's art.
Anything is anything. Right on.

I'm going to go drop this
off and pick up the mail.

Sad floor.

It does look sad,
kind of.

Sorry for stepping
on you, floor.

Hey. You got Andy doing
all your work for you?

Yes, but he said
he wanted to do it.

I'm only doing it because
I'm getting him back...

Yeah, I don't care.
I got something to add to your list.

Yup. There we go.

That's the stuff.

April really does
this every day?

Yes. Work the heel.

Andy, can
I be next?

Yeah.

I have got a corn so big
you could slap butter on it.

Welcome to
Ya' Heard? With Perd.

I'm Perd Hapley.

The story of our guests today is that

they are from the Department
of Parks and Recreation.

Ben Wyatt
and Tom Haverford.

What up, Perd?
Big fan.

Me, too, Perd.
What up?

The thing about this first question is,

I'd like to ask you
about the Harvest Festival.

Perd, it's going to be amazing.
Carnival rides, games...

Sweetums is even building
a plus-sized roller coaster

for some of Pawnee's
obese thrill-seekers.

You must be
this wide to ride.

Wow. That's going to be a
pretty big roller coaster.

Yup.

Hey, guys.
How did it go?

Well, there were
some sticky moments.

Let's go to
the videotape.

Look. Who hasn't
had gay thoughts?

Who?
- Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.

I mean, you know, sometimes,
I feel like I might need glasses.

Is there a bird
in here?

I swear, I keep seeing
a bird in this studio.

Maybe that's all there is to it.
How did this happen?

He was fine until Perd started asking
him about the "boy mayor" stuff.

What's wrong with you?
You look psychotic.

I was 18 when I was elected mayor.
Okay? So, excuse me for that.

Cindy Eckert had just turned
me down for senior prom.

Do you know how that...
I should call her. I should.

No, I shouldn't.
And I'm not going to.

And I'm proud
of myself for that.

And then, he talked about feeling
up Cindy Eckert for the first time

for about
five minutes.

And then,
the show ended.

As did our careers and, probably,
Harvest Fest.

Boom. Sadness.
That's the one.

Natalie! Hey.
It's me, Andy.

You're an hour
and a half late.

I know. I know.
I had to massage a ton of feet.

Super sorry.

Come on. Get in.
I need to do everything on April's list

or she's not going
to go out with me.

You're into April?

Come on.
We'll talk about it in the car.

Hold on.
I'll get my books.

Okay.

Okay, great.
Call me.

That should be some damage control.
I'm having dinner with Perd Hapley.

Tom, what do
we have?

I've gotten calls from
a dozen businesses

thinking about pulling
their sponsorships.

Sweetums might cancel the Fat-Coaster.
Oh, my God.

Okay, look,
we need to focus.

We still have the
Pawnee Today interview.

Well, is it too late
to cancel?

Yeah. Yeah.
It's too late to cancel.

Joan Callamezzo
runs this town.

But Ben, don't worry about it.
You're not going in front of the camera.

Fine with me.

Are you trying to lure this
young lady into your van?

Yeah.

But she's being really difficult about
it, and it's actually not my van.

I stole it from
a friend of mine.

I technically shouldn't
be even driving, because

my license is
crazy expired.

That's Dwyer. D-W-Y-E-R.

Dude! Come on.
I've got to get out of here!

Natalie, tell this guy you know me.

Joan? I thought you were Jennifer
Aniston filming a movie here.

Joan, let's make
a pact, okay?

If we're both still single in an hour,
let's get married.

Tom, I'm already married.
That's right. To Seal.

What? I confused you
with Heidi Klum again.

See you later, Joan.
That's just...

That's how it's done.
- In five, four...

Hello, and welcome to Pawnee Today.
I'm Joan Callamezzo.

Today's guest is Leslie Knope,
who is here to tell us

how this year's Harvest Festival
is going to bankrupt the city.

Well, Joan, actually, there's a lot
of false information flying around.

The Harvest Festival is...
Jumping right in.

That's rude.

I just want
everyone to know

what an extraordinary
event this is going to be.

But at what cost?

How many cities does Ben
Wyatt need to destroy

before he's put
behind bars?

Ben Wyatt has done
nothing wrong.

You know? If you want to ask him
questions, let's go for it, huh?

Just ask any question
about his past or present.

Just get it over with.
Ben, let's get up here.

What?
Yeah. Come on.

We'll just ask him
a bunch of questions,

and then, we'll get everything
cleared and out of the way.

Sound good? Yeah?
Great.

Good. Let's take
some calls, Joan.

Why don't you? Okay.
Caller, are you there?

Yeah, how can you
justify raising taxes

for something that
will hurt the town?

I...

For...

Just to add to what
Ben's stammering about,

we aren't going
to raise taxes.

So, that's that.
Next caller?

Do you fish,
April?

No. Fish are gross.

Let me give you a piece
of fishing advice.

I said I don't...
When you have a fish on the line,

you don't just drag it
behind the boat.

You either reel it in
or you cut him loose.

Especially if he's a nice fish
with a big, lovable fish heart.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

Maybe not.
Maybe you really do hate Andy.

Maybe moving to Indianapolis
just to get revenge on him

is a really good idea.

What do I know?

You are going
to love this.

Verosian tea really supercharges
the bacteria in your colon.

Plus, it smells
interesting. Waft it.

Are we actually ever going to drink it,
or we're just going to sniff it?

I love sniffing.
Don't get me wrong.

You are hilarious.

So, you're
leaving soon.

Back to Indianapolis
briefly,

and then,
on to a town called Snerling, Indiana,

for several months.

Never heard of it.

It's quite small. The cows
outnumber the people forty to one.

It sounds amazing.

I like you a lot.
I love spending time with you.

And I thoroughly enjoy you,
Ann Perkins.

I just think we need to talk
about what that means for us.

I don't want to be clingy.
No, no, no. Please.

It is something that
we need to figure out,

and we should
do that right now.

I'm so happy
you said that.

Wow, that's disgusting.

Yes, it's very
hard to drink.

Yeah,
why should we trust this Ben Wyatt guy?

Because I'm trusty.
Trust me.

I'm trustworthy.
And I am working very hard to...

...make sure that this
town gets back on its feet.

Here we go. Okay, great.
Next caller?

So, I looked you up
on AltaVista, and I found out

that the last seven towns you've
gone to ended up bankrupt.

Okay. First of all, why does
everyone in this town use AltaVista?

Is it 1997? And second,
I am a budget specialist.

I went to those towns because they
were bankrupt, and now, they aren't.

And yeah,
I screwed up when I was 18,

but who doesn't do dumb
stuff when they're 18?

Joan? I stole my gym teacher's husband.

So, there you go.

Well. What else
you got, callers?

Going once, going...
Here we go.

Yeah, hi. Can you tell me more
about the corn maze at the Harvest Festival?

Are dogs allowed?

Hello.
Hello.

How did it
go today?

It was super fun.

It was?
Yeah.

You have a list
for tomorrow?

You want to do
this again tomorrow?

Yes, I do. I mean,
it's the deal, right?

I got to do it for a whole month,
and then,

you're not going
to move to Indianapolis.

I better be the only
person you kissed today.

Yeah, I'm positive
that you are.

If I thought you were serious,
I'd be offended, Perd.

But I know that
we're buddies.

And I know you wouldn't do that to me.

But, no,
this is a birthmark, Perd. Okay?

This is the little scar I got when
I was nine and I fell off my bike.

So, no,
I'm not perfect.

I can't look away.
It's amazing.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait.
Now, here's the best part.

Okay, that's all the time
we have here on Ya' Heard?

I'm Perd Hapley,
Channel Four.

More like
"Turd Crapley."

Yes. Yes.
Yeah?

Bravo!
Thank you very much.