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1
00:00:01,629 --> 00:00:04,496
Okay, everybody.
Time for the hummingbird lottery.
2
00:00:05,667 --> 00:00:09,401
Okay. You know how it works.
Write your name down on a piece of paper.
3
00:00:09,471 --> 00:00:11,026
No, they don't
win a hummingbird.
4
00:00:11,106 --> 00:00:13,918
I installed hummingbird
feeders in all the parks,
5
00:00:14,009 --> 00:00:17,308
so the winner gets to
refill those feeders.
6
00:00:17,512 --> 00:00:20,913
Scientifically, hummingbirds are
the world's cutest animals.
7
00:00:20,982 --> 00:00:24,281
I mean, they're so small.
And they have tiny beaks.
8
00:00:24,352 --> 00:00:28,152
And they only eat sugar water.
I mean, what beats that?
9
00:00:28,223 --> 00:00:33,684
Come on. Baby monkeys in diapers?
Yeah. They do.
10
00:00:33,762 --> 00:00:35,423
Baby monkeys in diapers
are the cutest.
11
00:00:35,764 --> 00:00:36,822
Okay. Who's it going to be?
12
00:00:36,898 --> 00:00:37,922
Not me.
13
00:00:37,999 --> 00:00:39,023
Not me.
Not me. Not me.
14
00:00:39,100 --> 00:00:40,829
. Jerry.
. Yeah!
15
00:00:41,002 --> 00:00:42,993
You can stop by tomorrow
morning before work.
16
00:00:43,071 --> 00:00:45,096
This is my third time in a row.
17
00:00:45,173 --> 00:00:46,197
Just a bad luck streak, buddy.
18
00:00:46,274 --> 00:00:48,242
Next time, I'm sure it will
definitely be one of us.
19
00:00:48,510 --> 00:00:51,877
But it won't be me.
Because I always write...
20
00:00:54,449 --> 00:00:55,473
Yeah.
21
00:00:55,683 --> 00:00:56,707
Yep.
22
00:00:56,785 --> 00:00:59,185
No, I always write my own name.
23
00:00:59,254 --> 00:01:04,954
But just to be safe,
I do add 20 extra "Jerry" s.
24
00:01:25,814 --> 00:01:29,147
And finally, we are going to kick off the
Children's Concert Series this weekend
25
00:01:29,217 --> 00:01:31,685
with a performance
by Freddy Spaghetti.
26
00:01:31,853 --> 00:01:33,252
I thought Freddy
Spaghetti OD'd.
27
00:01:33,321 --> 00:01:36,670
No. That's Mr. Funny Noodle.
And he didn't OD, his drummer shot him.
28
00:01:36,801 --> 00:01:37,540
Oh.
29
00:01:37,562 --> 00:01:39,661
Where is Jerry, by the way?
Why isn't he back?
30
00:01:39,694 --> 00:01:41,321
How long does it take
to fill bird feeders?
31
00:01:41,396 --> 00:01:42,954
Maybe he fell into the toilet.
32
00:01:43,031 --> 00:01:44,599
Remember when he
fell into the toilet?
33
00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:47,092
"Oh, sorry, guys.
Sorry I'm late."
34
00:01:47,168 --> 00:01:48,696
"I got confused
and took a shower,"
35
00:01:48,725 --> 00:01:50,732
"after I got dressed,
because I'm Jerry."
36
00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:55,799
David Meyers, the Jewish guy
who works at City Hall,
37
00:01:55,877 --> 00:01:57,139
once told me something.
38
00:01:57,212 --> 00:02:02,172
A "schlemiel" is the guy who
spills soup at a fancy party.
39
00:02:02,250 --> 00:02:05,651
A "schlimazel" is
the guy he spills it on.
40
00:02:05,820 --> 00:02:10,883
Jerry is both the "schlemiel" and
the "schlimazel" of our office.
41
00:02:11,734 --> 00:02:15,269
"And then I put my underwear on
my head instead of my butt."
42
00:02:16,849 --> 00:02:18,911
Okay, okay, guys, that's enough.
43
00:02:19,542 --> 00:02:21,592
Unless somebody has
another good one.
44
00:02:23,371 --> 00:02:24,599
Oh.
45
00:02:25,406 --> 00:02:26,600
Hi, Ann.
46
00:02:27,678 --> 00:02:28,756
Oh, no.
47
00:02:28,943 --> 00:02:31,449
Jerry. Jerry, are you okay?
Ann, is Jerry okay?
48
00:02:31,479 --> 00:02:33,764
What's wrong with your arm?
Ann, tell me what's wrong with Jerry's arm.
49
00:02:33,786 --> 00:02:35,617
Jerry, talk to me.
Ann, get Jerry to talk to me.
50
00:02:35,650 --> 00:02:37,083
Okay. He's okay.
51
00:02:37,116 --> 00:02:39,949
He's got a couple of scrapes
and a dislocated shoulder.
52
00:02:39,988 --> 00:02:41,216
- Oh!
- What happened?
53
00:02:41,456 --> 00:02:42,946
You guys are just
going to laugh.
54
00:02:43,024 --> 00:02:44,467
Why? Did you throw
out your shoulder
55
00:02:44,505 --> 00:02:46,473
trying to swing a honey pot
off your hand?
56
00:02:46,722 --> 00:02:48,417
- I was mugged.
- Oh.
57
00:02:48,691 --> 00:02:51,355
Oh, my God.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Jerry.
58
00:02:51,466 --> 00:02:53,209
I was on my way
to the hummingbird feeders
59
00:02:53,234 --> 00:02:54,724
and I was walking Lord Sheldon.
60
00:02:54,802 --> 00:02:55,826
Ew!
61
00:02:55,904 --> 00:02:58,190
Is that code for some
kind of weird sex act?
62
00:02:58,339 --> 00:03:00,738
Lord Sheldon is my dog.
My wife named him.
63
00:03:00,922 --> 00:03:01,685
Ew!
64
00:03:01,743 --> 00:03:03,267
Anyway, these kids,
they came out of nowhere,
65
00:03:03,344 --> 00:03:05,642
they pinned my arm back,
they grabbed my wallet,
66
00:03:05,713 --> 00:03:06,941
and they knocked
me to the ground.
67
00:03:07,015 --> 00:03:09,575
How did you counter-attack?
Fist to the throat?
68
00:03:09,651 --> 00:03:11,016
Did you hit him in the beanbag?
69
00:03:11,085 --> 00:03:13,747
There's no shame in attacking
a criminal's beanbag.
70
00:03:13,821 --> 00:03:16,119
No, I just curled up and
laid still until they left.
71
00:03:17,392 --> 00:03:19,553
Well, that's
another way to play it.
72
00:03:19,627 --> 00:03:22,289
Did any of them have weird
tattoos or scars or anything?
73
00:03:22,363 --> 00:03:25,264
If even one of them had a
unique scar, we got them.
74
00:03:25,967 --> 00:03:26,991
I didn't get a good look.
75
00:03:27,135 --> 00:03:31,196
Damn it, Jerry. Sorry.
You're the victim. Sorry. Sorry.
76
00:03:31,573 --> 00:03:34,337
I feel like
we're responsible for this.
77
00:03:34,409 --> 00:03:36,205
Why? We didn't mug Jerry.
78
00:03:36,276 --> 00:03:38,710
Well, why was he in the park
in the first place?
79
00:03:38,779 --> 00:03:40,940
Because we tricked him into going there.
I don't see the connection.
80
00:03:41,014 --> 00:03:43,642
I don't know.
This is on us. It's karma.
81
00:03:43,717 --> 00:03:45,582
Wouldn't it be karma if we
were the ones that got mugged?
82
00:03:45,652 --> 00:03:46,949
Yeah. That's how
pathetic Jerry is.
83
00:03:47,020 --> 00:03:48,248
He can't even get karma right.
84
00:03:50,057 --> 00:03:51,251
No, that's not funny.
85
00:03:54,561 --> 00:03:56,426
Our friend got
mugged this morning.
86
00:03:56,496 --> 00:03:58,054
And we will not let
that happen in vain.
87
00:03:58,165 --> 00:03:59,325
He doesn't have a black eye.
88
00:03:59,399 --> 00:04:01,924
Well, frankly, the whole
department has a black eye.
89
00:04:02,002 --> 00:04:03,594
This is our
wake-up call, guys.
90
00:04:03,670 --> 00:04:05,433
Jerry's face
is the symbol of failure.
91
00:04:07,241 --> 00:04:09,072
Our failure to
keep the parks safe.
92
00:04:09,343 --> 00:04:11,868
I have some folders.
Inside are some assignments.
93
00:04:11,945 --> 00:04:14,277
And some homemade taffy.
94
00:04:14,348 --> 00:04:16,145
- Mmm.
- Mmm-hmm.
95
00:04:16,216 --> 00:04:18,946
April, I want you to check
in with our police liaison.
96
00:04:19,019 --> 00:04:21,817
Donna, I need you to go to Ramsett Park.
Tom, you're with me.
97
00:04:21,922 --> 00:04:25,119
So, when you say that you want me to
check in with the police liaison,
98
00:04:25,192 --> 00:04:26,853
you mean hook up
with him, right?
99
00:04:27,027 --> 00:04:30,087
No. Just check in with him.
Everybody dismissed.
100
00:04:30,264 --> 00:04:31,788
Wait. I want to help.
101
00:04:31,865 --> 00:04:32,957
What?
102
00:04:33,033 --> 00:04:36,764
I'm going to teach everybody self-defense,
so you can defend yourselves.
103
00:04:36,837 --> 00:04:39,863
We need it. Because we certainly
are a bunch of weaklings.
104
00:04:39,940 --> 00:04:42,238
- Especially Tom.
- I am not a weakling.
105
00:04:42,309 --> 00:04:43,469
Arm wrestle me right now.
106
00:04:43,543 --> 00:04:44,635
Okay.
107
00:04:45,879 --> 00:04:48,575
I think I'm more than
holding my own here...
108
00:04:49,516 --> 00:04:51,677
Three, four, five...
109
00:04:51,752 --> 00:04:52,810
Hey.
110
00:04:55,055 --> 00:04:57,751
Six. Hey!
How you doing?
111
00:04:57,824 --> 00:04:58,882
Not too bad.
112
00:04:58,959 --> 00:05:01,018
I was just dropping off
Jerry from the hospital.
113
00:05:01,094 --> 00:05:02,254
He was mugged in the park.
114
00:05:02,462 --> 00:05:04,327
No. Jerry?
115
00:05:04,398 --> 00:05:07,026
The black guy with the Looney Tunes ties?
I love him.
116
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:09,227
No. Jerry who works
with Leslie.
117
00:05:09,503 --> 00:05:11,664
That Jerry? Yeah.
118
00:05:11,738 --> 00:05:13,603
He got mugged?
119
00:05:14,274 --> 00:05:16,868
Oh. Well, I mean, that's
kind of a bummer, too.
120
00:05:16,943 --> 00:05:19,537
Hey, while I have you here,
what do you think of this?
121
00:05:20,414 --> 00:05:21,438
Uh...
122
00:05:21,515 --> 00:05:23,107
Scrotation Marks.
123
00:05:23,250 --> 00:05:26,117
I don't know what you're talking
about, but my gut says no.
124
00:05:26,386 --> 00:05:27,580
New band name.
125
00:05:28,288 --> 00:05:30,381
Because "Mouse Rat,"
it's a great name,
126
00:05:30,457 --> 00:05:33,017
but at the same time, it sucks.
127
00:05:33,093 --> 00:05:35,224
So, I think we have to change
it just one more time...
128
00:05:35,262 --> 00:05:37,253
Dude, you've got
to stop doing that.
129
00:05:37,306 --> 00:05:39,812
How are people going to become
fans if they literally don't know
130
00:05:39,845 --> 00:05:41,537
the name of the band
they're listening to?
131
00:05:42,235 --> 00:05:43,497
That is a really good point.
132
00:05:43,970 --> 00:05:46,302
I always had fun with Andy.
133
00:05:46,373 --> 00:05:49,501
The problem is, when you're his
girlfriend, you're also his mother,
134
00:05:49,576 --> 00:05:52,272
and his maid and his nurse.
135
00:05:52,346 --> 00:05:56,442
He's completely helpless.
He's like a baby in a straightjacket.
136
00:05:56,516 --> 00:05:59,212
Ooh! "Baby in a Straightjacket."
That's a good band name.
137
00:05:59,286 --> 00:06:00,844
I should tell him that.
138
00:06:01,555 --> 00:06:04,080
Ha-ha, guys. Really funny.
Where's the real banner?
139
00:06:04,157 --> 00:06:05,354
We only had an hour.
140
00:06:05,425 --> 00:06:07,504
So did I. Look what I did.
141
00:06:08,195 --> 00:06:09,219
Hey, guys.
142
00:06:09,296 --> 00:06:10,320
Jerry!
143
00:06:10,530 --> 00:06:11,895
Welcome back.
144
00:06:13,066 --> 00:06:15,364
Really. My gosh, you should not
have gone to all this trouble.
145
00:06:15,502 --> 00:06:18,630
Oh. It's no trouble for our buddy.
Here you go.
146
00:06:18,772 --> 00:06:21,673
Listen. Today is Jerry Day.
We'll do whatever you want to do.
147
00:06:21,742 --> 00:06:22,731
Anything at all.
148
00:06:22,809 --> 00:06:26,267
Honestly, what I would like to do is
just have everything go back to normal.
149
00:06:26,346 --> 00:06:27,813
- That sounds good to me.
- Okay.
150
00:06:27,881 --> 00:06:30,179
I believe you were going
to do a presentation.
151
00:06:30,250 --> 00:06:31,740
Yes, sir, I was.
I will go set up.
152
00:06:31,818 --> 00:06:32,910
Okay.
153
00:06:34,454 --> 00:06:38,788
Remember, you guys. No jokes.
No comments. Nothing but support.
154
00:06:38,859 --> 00:06:40,292
He needs a lot of support.
155
00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:41,418
Tom.
156
00:06:41,495 --> 00:06:42,985
Talking about a bra for a man.
157
00:06:45,265 --> 00:06:47,597
Okay, seriously.
That was the last one.
158
00:06:47,834 --> 00:06:50,826
So, as we know, Spring
Hunting Season is upon us.
159
00:06:52,372 --> 00:06:56,934
Uh, anyway, here's the info
about the new licensing system.
160
00:06:57,310 --> 00:06:58,334
Um...
161
00:06:58,412 --> 00:07:01,677
Jerry? I don't...
I don't think your computer is plugged in.
162
00:07:01,948 --> 00:07:04,314
I'm sorry, guys.
Just got to power up.
163
00:07:04,384 --> 00:07:09,014
First thing we should have is my
graph about the season. What?
164
00:07:09,089 --> 00:07:11,387
Wait a minute. No.
That is not the graph.
165
00:07:11,458 --> 00:07:13,722
That's a picture from
my vacation to Muncie.
166
00:07:13,860 --> 00:07:16,920
You went on a vacation and
you chose Muncie, Indiana?
167
00:07:17,130 --> 00:07:18,791
Yeah. My wife and I
have a time-share.
168
00:07:19,633 --> 00:07:20,793
In Muncie?
169
00:07:20,867 --> 00:07:22,960
Tom, Muncie is a lovely city.
170
00:07:24,604 --> 00:07:27,198
Anyway, Hunting and Fishing
Season is winding down. Okay?
171
00:07:27,274 --> 00:07:30,971
And we all know that it's already
closed season on "twout." So, now...
172
00:07:32,112 --> 00:07:34,546
I said "twout"
instead of "trout."
173
00:07:34,714 --> 00:07:36,147
It happens to everyone.
174
00:07:36,383 --> 00:07:38,351
My marbles are full of mouth today.
175
00:07:39,119 --> 00:07:41,519
You know what?
Has anybody seen my glasses?
176
00:07:41,588 --> 00:07:43,351
I don't even think I can...
177
00:07:51,998 --> 00:07:54,348
It says here "1:00 meeting."
And who are we meeting with?
178
00:07:54,394 --> 00:07:56,744
- Don't worry about it.
- Oh, no. Please, no.
179
00:07:56,770 --> 00:07:59,102
Tom, it's important to meet
with the Park Rangers.
180
00:07:59,172 --> 00:08:01,072
They are the first
line of defense.
181
00:08:01,675 --> 00:08:03,199
Leslie Knope!
182
00:08:04,611 --> 00:08:06,841
- Hey, Carl.
- What's up, pencil pushers?
183
00:08:07,047 --> 00:08:08,912
Haverford.
Good to see you, man.
184
00:08:10,183 --> 00:08:13,118
Is it hot in here? I feel hot.
Are you guys hot?
185
00:08:13,186 --> 00:08:16,121
How you guys doing? I'm good.
You guys got any snacks?
186
00:08:16,857 --> 00:08:19,382
Carl is the head
of all outdoor security.
187
00:08:19,459 --> 00:08:22,189
Why was he transferred from
his indoor desk job, you ask.
188
00:08:22,262 --> 00:08:23,490
Listen.
189
00:08:23,563 --> 00:08:27,499
Hey, Leslie. Have you seen Avatar?
I never saw Avatar.
190
00:08:27,567 --> 00:08:29,467
I wanted to read
the book first,
191
00:08:29,536 --> 00:08:32,437
but then I realized there's no
book version of Avatar.
192
00:08:32,772 --> 00:08:35,002
What did you guys do
for St. Patty's Day?
193
00:08:35,075 --> 00:08:38,044
I was wearing this t-shirt that
said "Kiss me, I'm Irish."
194
00:08:38,111 --> 00:08:40,003
But no one would kiss me.
195
00:08:41,769 --> 00:08:47,031
So. You're too important for me until
one of your own gets attacked.
196
00:08:47,197 --> 00:08:51,190
I just feel like there's more we
can do to keep the parks safe.
197
00:08:51,268 --> 00:08:53,532
Oh, you think you know
how to do my job?
198
00:08:53,670 --> 00:08:58,403
Well, you might not be so confident once
you've walked a mile in my size sevens.
199
00:08:59,042 --> 00:09:00,100
Kind of small feet.
200
00:09:00,177 --> 00:09:02,264
Actually, seven is
the worldwide average.
201
00:09:02,374 --> 00:09:03,466
Boom!
202
00:09:05,415 --> 00:09:08,316
Welcome to the emergency
self-defense class.
203
00:09:08,385 --> 00:09:11,946
I'll be showing you how to escape
from a variety of situations,
204
00:09:12,022 --> 00:09:15,082
while inflicting maximum
damage on your attackers.
205
00:09:15,359 --> 00:09:18,089
Ron, do you think that maybe I
should put Mark in a headlock?
206
00:09:18,161 --> 00:09:21,062
That way, I can show everyone
how to escape a pervert?
207
00:09:21,798 --> 00:09:24,790
In the scenario you just laid
out, you're the pervert.
208
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:26,165
You understand that, right?
209
00:09:26,236 --> 00:09:28,670
- You wish.
- Enough.
210
00:09:28,739 --> 00:09:30,866
I'm going to start off
simple, and demonstrate
211
00:09:30,941 --> 00:09:34,468
how to extract oneself
from a wrist grab.
212
00:09:34,778 --> 00:09:37,474
Andy. Ann. Step up here.
213
00:09:37,547 --> 00:09:40,311
I watch a lot of Lifetime movies.
There was this one,
214
00:09:40,384 --> 00:09:44,218
How Far is Too Far Enough: The
Teri Palliber Lonergan Story.
215
00:09:44,288 --> 00:09:47,223
This woman had agoraphobia and her
therapist was obsessed with her,
216
00:09:47,291 --> 00:09:48,451
and he hid in her house.
217
00:09:48,525 --> 00:09:51,494
And then he attacked her
and tried to eat her toes.
218
00:09:51,561 --> 00:09:53,756
Also, her daughter was
having sex way too young.
219
00:09:54,564 --> 00:09:57,965
So, yeah. Free self-defense class?
I'm there.
220
00:09:59,369 --> 00:10:01,530
And then just twist away.
221
00:10:01,605 --> 00:10:03,539
Very good.
Very good. Well done.
222
00:10:03,607 --> 00:10:05,575
Oh! What's up now, mugger?
223
00:10:05,642 --> 00:10:08,543
Ann, that was awesome.
That was really good.
224
00:10:10,147 --> 00:10:12,638
I don't know, Leslie.
I'd rather be back at the office.
225
00:10:12,883 --> 00:10:16,410
I know this is painful for you,
Jerry, but you have to be strong.
226
00:10:17,854 --> 00:10:19,185
You guys ready?
227
00:10:20,190 --> 00:10:22,522
Oh, boy. Yeah, okay.
We're ready.
228
00:10:23,226 --> 00:10:26,024
I'm going to show you guys all
the problems we've been facing.
229
00:10:26,096 --> 00:10:28,223
I'm going to show you that we've
been doing everything we can.
230
00:10:28,298 --> 00:10:30,232
Well, I'm looking forward
to working together, Carl.
231
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:33,235
And after that, I'm going to
show you this log I found.
232
00:10:33,303 --> 00:10:37,637
It's got, like, fifty worms on it.
I call it "worm log."
233
00:10:39,643 --> 00:10:42,043
Yeah, I've always been
a bit of an outdoorsman.
234
00:10:42,112 --> 00:10:43,373
When I was a kid,
my parents used to
235
00:10:43,446 --> 00:10:45,175
make me hang out in
the backyard a lot
236
00:10:45,247 --> 00:10:47,738
and just run around
until I got tired.
237
00:10:47,817 --> 00:10:52,447
But if there's any criminals out
there watching, I never get tired.
238
00:10:52,521 --> 00:10:54,614
And ladies, too.
239
00:10:56,792 --> 00:10:58,054
This thing is a mess.
240
00:10:58,127 --> 00:10:59,992
We used to have
three carts, actually.
241
00:11:00,062 --> 00:11:03,156
The first one got pushed
into the creek by some kids.
242
00:11:03,232 --> 00:11:07,259
The second one, raccoons got onto.
There was urine everywhere.
243
00:11:07,336 --> 00:11:09,304
And the third one
was recently stolen.
244
00:11:09,672 --> 00:11:11,503
What's this one?
This is the second one.
245
00:11:11,574 --> 00:11:14,168
The raccoon piss one.
246
00:11:14,243 --> 00:11:16,871
All right. So we're
going to just head out.
247
00:11:19,382 --> 00:11:23,113
Oh, no. You know what?
I think we've got too much weight.
248
00:11:24,153 --> 00:11:25,177
Oh.
249
00:11:25,254 --> 00:11:26,516
That's Tom, probably.
250
00:11:26,822 --> 00:11:28,084
Are you serious?
251
00:11:28,157 --> 00:11:29,818
Tom, can you get off, please?
252
00:11:30,092 --> 00:11:32,560
Just run alongside
the cart, okay?
253
00:11:32,628 --> 00:11:34,061
Okay. Here we go.
254
00:11:34,196 --> 00:11:35,185
Whoa!
255
00:11:35,464 --> 00:11:38,365
So, I want to tell you
a little bit about the park.
256
00:11:38,434 --> 00:11:43,030
Up here on the left is one of our
most beautiful grass fields.
257
00:11:43,099 --> 00:11:44,936
It's primarily grass.
258
00:11:44,961 --> 00:11:46,723
All right, I'm going to
make a hard left here.
259
00:11:46,759 --> 00:11:48,522
Stick with us, Tom.
260
00:11:48,711 --> 00:11:52,875
Okay. Lesson learned.
Thank you. Next. Andy.
261
00:11:55,985 --> 00:11:59,751
Impressive. I'm going to
engage Andy in an attack hold,
262
00:11:59,822 --> 00:12:00,948
and he's going to
try and break free.
263
00:12:01,824 --> 00:12:03,815
Cool. Now, I don't
want to hurt you, Ron.
264
00:12:03,893 --> 00:12:06,327
Don't worry about that.
Just try to escape my attack.
265
00:12:06,395 --> 00:12:09,887
Now, when I get out, am I
allowed to counter-strike?
266
00:12:10,466 --> 00:12:14,903
Sure. When you get out,
you may counter-attack.
267
00:12:14,970 --> 00:12:17,063
But just promise
me you'll be ready,
268
00:12:17,139 --> 00:12:19,937
because, I mean, I don't
want to destroy you.
269
00:12:20,743 --> 00:12:23,735
Okay. I see where
we're going with this...
270
00:12:26,182 --> 00:12:30,084
Now, when your arms are pinned to your
sides, use your legs to break free,
271
00:12:30,152 --> 00:12:32,484
instead of your neck, which
is what Andy is trying to do.
272
00:12:34,890 --> 00:12:37,051
Okay, hold up.
Get off!
273
00:12:37,493 --> 00:12:38,482
Let him go.
274
00:12:42,665 --> 00:12:43,654
Andy.
275
00:12:46,202 --> 00:12:47,635
- Oh, God.
- Oops.
276
00:12:48,237 --> 00:12:50,034
Any of this looking familiar?
277
00:12:50,105 --> 00:12:52,164
Yeah. It happened
right over there.
278
00:12:52,241 --> 00:12:56,769
Oh, yeah. I'm not surprised.
Take a look at this path.
279
00:12:57,213 --> 00:13:00,114
With budget cuts, we can't
afford a single safety light.
280
00:13:00,182 --> 00:13:02,082
There's been 10 assaults
already this year.
281
00:13:02,151 --> 00:13:03,379
Wow. Really?
282
00:13:03,452 --> 00:13:05,283
Can't you station
a Park Ranger out here?
283
00:13:05,354 --> 00:13:08,084
We have! Who do you think
they're assaulting?
284
00:13:08,157 --> 00:13:09,886
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell.
285
00:13:10,626 --> 00:13:13,720
One way or another, I'm going to get
money so you can protect Jerry,
286
00:13:13,796 --> 00:13:16,663
and all the other helpless,
pathetic people in this town.
287
00:13:19,835 --> 00:13:21,200
You guys have got to slow down.
288
00:13:21,270 --> 00:13:22,567
Can I just take
a rest for a minute?
289
00:13:22,638 --> 00:13:24,037
No, Tom. Sorry.
No can do.
290
00:13:24,106 --> 00:13:25,767
Sun's going down and it's
real dangerous out here.
291
00:13:25,841 --> 00:13:27,775
- Let's roll, Carl.
- Okay. Going fast.
292
00:13:32,047 --> 00:13:34,015
Okay, what day is it today?
293
00:13:34,083 --> 00:13:35,141
I don't know.
294
00:13:35,651 --> 00:13:37,175
Okay, but to be fair,
you never know.
295
00:13:37,253 --> 00:13:38,515
That's kind of true.
296
00:13:38,587 --> 00:13:43,456
I'm super bad at days.
But honestly, I'm fine.
297
00:13:44,326 --> 00:13:46,556
Sorry I squeezed your
lights out there, son.
298
00:13:46,629 --> 00:13:49,359
No worries. Will you show me
how to do that move, though?
299
00:13:49,431 --> 00:13:50,455
Sure. I can teach
you right now...
300
00:13:50,533 --> 00:13:53,593
No, no, no. Andy, you should
really just take it easy, I think.
301
00:13:53,669 --> 00:13:56,968
Do you want some more water?
Or maybe some pancakes?
302
00:13:57,039 --> 00:13:59,439
No. No, I'm fine.
Thank you.
303
00:13:59,942 --> 00:14:01,409
What is the first
move in any fight?
304
00:14:01,477 --> 00:14:02,705
Punch to the balls.
305
00:14:03,279 --> 00:14:05,873
We've all heard the old saying.
306
00:14:05,948 --> 00:14:08,109
"Parks are
supposed to be fun."
307
00:14:08,183 --> 00:14:10,674
But sometimes, muggers
have their own ideas.
308
00:14:10,753 --> 00:14:14,746
Leslie Knope is with us again
from the Parks Department.
309
00:14:14,823 --> 00:14:17,018
Leslie, tell us your story.
310
00:14:17,092 --> 00:14:19,617
This is my co-worker,
Jerry Gergich.
311
00:14:20,162 --> 00:14:24,565
Diabetic. Sloppily
out of shape. Friend.
312
00:14:25,100 --> 00:14:28,194
He was mugged this
morning in Ramsett Park.
313
00:14:28,470 --> 00:14:33,373
Who's next? Your frumpy uncle?
Your simple neighbor?
314
00:14:33,576 --> 00:14:36,374
Your unpopular co-worker?
315
00:14:36,445 --> 00:14:37,935
Head of security,
Carl Lorthner,
316
00:14:38,013 --> 00:14:40,106
is doing his best
to keep the parks safe,
317
00:14:40,182 --> 00:14:41,206
but he's failing.
318
00:14:41,350 --> 00:14:43,784
So, what is the solution
to fix this?
319
00:14:43,852 --> 00:14:47,618
To make it right.
And not bad.
320
00:14:48,824 --> 00:14:52,191
We need money from City Hall.
And it's not coming through.
321
00:14:52,261 --> 00:14:54,456
And Pawnee,
I am sorry to say this,
322
00:14:54,530 --> 00:14:56,691
but your government
is failing you.
323
00:14:56,799 --> 00:15:00,929
Up next, 10 objects
you didn't know you can eat.
324
00:15:02,571 --> 00:15:04,471
What possessed you to do that?
325
00:15:04,540 --> 00:15:07,566
I'm sorry, Paul, but one of my
guys got mugged in the park.
326
00:15:07,643 --> 00:15:10,077
I don't care how upset you are.
327
00:15:10,145 --> 00:15:13,410
You do not badmouth
your own government on TV.
328
00:15:14,583 --> 00:15:17,484
I'm sure you'll be happy to
know your little stunt worked.
329
00:15:17,886 --> 00:15:23,552
The Mayor is going to divert $2500
to the Parks for security upgrades.
330
00:15:23,626 --> 00:15:24,684
There's going to
be an announcement
331
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,125
tomorrow at 10:00
in the press room.
332
00:15:26,195 --> 00:15:30,427
So... Make sure you bring the
doofus who got his ass kicked.
333
00:15:30,499 --> 00:15:31,830
I don't know who
you're referring to.
334
00:15:31,900 --> 00:15:33,458
We treat everyone
with respect around here.
335
00:15:35,404 --> 00:15:36,428
Okay.
336
00:15:37,606 --> 00:15:40,131
Good morning.
As many of you know,
337
00:15:40,209 --> 00:15:46,307
there was an incident involving a
government employee in Ramsett Park.
338
00:15:46,415 --> 00:15:47,609
Jerry, are you nervous?
339
00:15:47,916 --> 00:15:51,374
Just talk about how hard it was for you.
Speak from the heart.
340
00:15:51,453 --> 00:15:52,943
You'll be fine.
341
00:15:53,188 --> 00:15:55,486
Leslie? I wasn't mugged.
342
00:15:55,557 --> 00:15:56,956
Safety of our citizens.
343
00:15:57,026 --> 00:15:58,857
That's why we're here today
to give Pawnee...
344
00:16:00,744 --> 00:16:02,313
Jerry? Why don't
you step on up here?
345
00:16:02,372 --> 00:16:04,662
No, I will.
346
00:16:04,844 --> 00:16:08,850
Get up here.
I'm going to speak for Jerry.
347
00:16:08,882 --> 00:16:14,638
He can't talk right now because he
has hysterical muteness from trauma.
348
00:16:14,689 --> 00:16:15,588
Correct.
349
00:16:15,650 --> 00:16:16,639
Jerry.
350
00:16:18,258 --> 00:16:20,189
What about this? Is this fake?
Huh? Is this fake?
351
00:16:20,227 --> 00:16:22,695
This is real. I really
dislocated my shoulder.
352
00:16:22,739 --> 00:16:24,671
Were you even in
the park yesterday?
353
00:16:24,731 --> 00:16:26,824
Look, I was on my way
to feed the hummingbirds,
354
00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:28,799
and I stopped
for a breakfast burrito.
355
00:16:29,569 --> 00:16:31,002
- The farting.
- Yeah.
356
00:16:31,071 --> 00:16:34,291
And Lord Sheldon...
He lunged at a bird, I dropped the burrito,
357
00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:36,036
and it landed on
a log in the creek.
358
00:16:36,109 --> 00:16:37,974
So, I go to reach for it,
I lose my balance,
359
00:16:38,044 --> 00:16:39,971
and I fall on my shoulder
really weird.
360
00:16:40,013 --> 00:16:42,106
Well, why didn't you just
tell everybody the truth?
361
00:16:42,182 --> 00:16:45,816
Are you kidding me?
Imagine what Tom would have said.
362
00:16:46,553 --> 00:16:49,579
Damn, Jerry!
You jumped in a creek for a burrito?
363
00:16:49,656 --> 00:16:52,625
What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Kill your wife?
364
00:16:52,859 --> 00:16:55,953
Block the opponent's punch
and counter-punch to the jaw.
365
00:16:57,430 --> 00:16:58,692
Shoeshine?
366
00:16:58,765 --> 00:16:59,857
Hey.
367
00:16:59,933 --> 00:17:03,039
Oh! Hey! Ann Perkins,
in the "shoe-shouse."
368
00:17:03,703 --> 00:17:06,745
I wanted to check in.
I brought some stuff from the hospital.
369
00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:10,906
Water, a compress, aspirin, some
lollipops, I know you love those.
370
00:17:10,933 --> 00:17:13,664
Ann, you know, thank you.
But really, I'm feeling great.
371
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:16,054
I took a couple of aspirin and
slept right through the night.
372
00:17:16,097 --> 00:17:20,193
And... Hold on a second.
Ludgate. What the hell?
373
00:17:20,219 --> 00:17:22,483
I got you one of those veggie
muffins that you're always eating.
374
00:17:22,517 --> 00:17:25,242
- Score.
- Yeah. It tastes like a rug.
375
00:17:25,325 --> 00:17:27,617
- Shut up.
- Don't hit me.
376
00:17:28,361 --> 00:17:30,011
Good. Well, I'm glad
you're feeling better.
377
00:17:30,036 --> 00:17:32,061
I am.
Thank you for that.
378
00:17:32,198 --> 00:17:33,665
That's so cool.
379
00:17:33,808 --> 00:17:36,675
Since when did he start
doing stuff for other people?
380
00:17:36,745 --> 00:17:40,476
Now, I actually am worried that
something happened to his brain.
381
00:17:41,138 --> 00:17:43,163
People change, I guess...
382
00:17:44,208 --> 00:17:46,642
Wouldn't you rather the money
go to keeping the parks safe?
383
00:17:46,711 --> 00:17:49,279
Yes, but now, we have the
money under false pretenses.
384
00:17:49,380 --> 00:17:51,873
I actually think that you have a
bigger problem than the money.
385
00:17:52,338 --> 00:17:53,078
What?
386
00:17:53,121 --> 00:17:54,583
There is someone
in your department
387
00:17:54,625 --> 00:17:56,300
who is willing to lie
about being mugged,
388
00:17:56,324 --> 00:17:58,087
because he's afraid
of his co-workers.
389
00:18:00,156 --> 00:18:04,092
Knope. Yep. No.
390
00:18:06,396 --> 00:18:08,261
Carl. What are you doing?
391
00:18:08,698 --> 00:18:10,359
Oh, Leslie.
392
00:18:10,558 --> 00:18:13,338
Well, since you decided to drag
my name through the mud on TV,
393
00:18:13,366 --> 00:18:14,890
I figured why not
return the favor.
394
00:18:14,912 --> 00:18:17,540
Carl, could you quietly
quiet down for a second,
395
00:18:17,571 --> 00:18:19,816
and please tell mewhat
is going on, quietly?
396
00:18:19,847 --> 00:18:22,750
Okay? In a quiet voice.
397
00:18:23,246 --> 00:18:26,365
A citizen handed in
a very interesting home video
398
00:18:26,402 --> 00:18:30,361
that I think the people of Pawnee
will find very interesting.
399
00:18:30,396 --> 00:18:31,863
Take a peek at this.
400
00:18:35,058 --> 00:18:37,026
Keep your eyes on the creek.
401
00:18:38,862 --> 00:18:42,457
There he is.
This is my favorite part.
402
00:18:42,850 --> 00:18:45,478
Not willing to
share with a dog.
403
00:18:45,668 --> 00:18:49,543
So, it would appear that Park
Security was not to blame after all.
404
00:18:49,839 --> 00:18:52,676
Okay, look. I have
a proposition for you.
405
00:18:52,876 --> 00:18:54,832
Fine. I'll have sex with you
in exchange for the tape.
406
00:18:54,869 --> 00:18:58,270
That's not what
I am saying. Okay?
407
00:18:58,314 --> 00:19:01,514
Just listen to
what I have to say.
408
00:19:02,485 --> 00:19:07,582
The Ramsett Park mugging story
continues with a shiny new twist.
409
00:19:08,958 --> 00:19:12,189
Ranger Carl Lorthner
is here today.
410
00:19:12,262 --> 00:19:14,078
Now, I understand
411
00:19:14,097 --> 00:19:19,290
that you have a bombshell to drop
that you are just sitting on.
412
00:19:20,403 --> 00:19:21,676
Yes, that's correct.
413
00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:23,527
I came on today
because I have some
414
00:19:23,573 --> 00:19:25,721
very important
information to share.
415
00:19:25,775 --> 00:19:30,738
I finally saw Avatar and I
thought it lived up to the hype.
416
00:19:32,081 --> 00:19:35,448
Well, I'm not sure what that
has to do with the mugging.
417
00:19:35,518 --> 00:19:38,043
Uh... Leslie.
Counterpoint.
418
00:19:38,188 --> 00:19:40,122
- I disagree with Carl.
- Okay.
419
00:19:40,190 --> 00:19:44,908
I have seen Avatar as well,
and I think it exceeded the hype.
420
00:19:44,961 --> 00:19:45,950
What?
421
00:19:46,229 --> 00:19:48,925
Oh boy, we...
422
00:19:48,998 --> 00:19:50,516
Disagreement.
423
00:19:51,100 --> 00:19:54,035
Well, things are really heating
up in here, aren't they?
424
00:19:54,103 --> 00:19:56,265
We should probably
take some calls.
425
00:19:56,806 --> 00:20:01,356
That segment was a disaster.
Don't you ever (fuck) me like that again.
426
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,668
This is Pawnee (fucking) Today.
427
00:20:03,711 --> 00:20:04,973
Do you know that I bumped a cat
428
00:20:05,014 --> 00:20:07,482
that can stand up on
its hinders for you?
429
00:20:07,617 --> 00:20:09,983
You disgust me, Knope.
Get out of my sight.
430
00:20:10,119 --> 00:20:11,609
- Yes, ma'am.
- Go.
431
00:20:12,021 --> 00:20:16,082
Go on. Oh, no, no, no.
Don't make me chase you.
432
00:20:16,159 --> 00:20:17,786
You want to go eat something?
433
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:19,184
Okay.
434
00:20:19,295 --> 00:20:21,079
I am part of a great team.
435
00:20:21,164 --> 00:20:24,156
And sometimes, the best way
to maintain a strong team
436
00:20:24,234 --> 00:20:26,059
is just by letting someone know
437
00:20:26,088 --> 00:20:27,852
that he is still a part of it.
438
00:20:28,037 --> 00:20:31,996
This is the only copy,
and I am going to destroy it.
439
00:20:33,243 --> 00:20:36,041
Right after I watch it
one more time.
440
00:20:36,980 --> 00:20:40,336
I'm sorry, but it is so good.
441
00:20:41,933 --> 00:20:43,533
- Hey, Jerry.
- Hmm.
442
00:20:43,601 --> 00:20:45,466
I got you a peppermint latte.
443
00:20:45,536 --> 00:20:48,972
Seriously? My goodness.
I love a peppermint...
444
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,632
I know.
445
00:20:51,776 --> 00:20:54,932
Oh, geez. Go ahead.
446
00:20:54,975 --> 00:20:57,194
We should just directly apply
the food to your clothes.
447
00:20:58,216 --> 00:21:01,801
Making fun of Jerry is back!
448
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,091
They can laugh
at me all they want.
449
00:21:04,155 --> 00:21:08,285
Because two more years until I retire
with full benefits and pension.
450
00:21:08,359 --> 00:21:11,055
And the wife and I, we have bought
a little cottage on a lake.
451
00:21:11,129 --> 00:21:13,825
And I am going to get myself
a stack of mystery novels,
452
00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:18,801
a box of cigars, and I am going
to sit back and enjoy my life.
453
00:21:18,870 --> 00:21:19,996
Hey, Jerry?
454
00:21:20,071 --> 00:21:21,834
April was just double-checking
the lunch order.
455
00:21:21,906 --> 00:21:24,067
Do you want the salmon
or the "twout"?
456
00:21:24,275 --> 00:21:26,835
Twout! Twout!
Twout! Twout!
36221
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