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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,837
Are you kidding?
"I was here first"? Get lost!
2
00:00:02,869 --> 00:00:03,775
We were here first.
3
00:00:03,797 --> 00:00:05,706
But we're scheduled for
this time on this field.
4
00:00:05,737 --> 00:00:08,137
Okay, this is no way for adults
to act in front of children.
5
00:00:08,206 --> 00:00:10,197
You're not only coaches,
you're also role models.
6
00:00:10,975 --> 00:00:13,312
I would hardly call
what he does coaching.
7
00:00:16,945 --> 00:00:18,640
Wow. Excellent
role modeling.
8
00:00:18,866 --> 00:00:20,424
Apparently, the girls' team
does not have
9
00:00:20,463 --> 00:00:22,110
a field assigned
to them for practice,
10
00:00:22,152 --> 00:00:23,949
but the boys' team does.
11
00:00:23,988 --> 00:00:25,785
No. Not on my watch.
12
00:00:26,454 --> 00:00:27,921
Every child has
the right to play,
13
00:00:27,989 --> 00:00:29,547
no matter how boring the sport.
14
00:00:30,023 --> 00:00:33,288
Okay. Could you just share the field
with the girls today, please?
15
00:00:33,593 --> 00:00:35,857
I'm the girls' coach.
She's the boys' coach.
16
00:00:35,929 --> 00:00:36,987
Oh. Okay. Sorry.
17
00:00:37,130 --> 00:00:38,221
That's sexist.
18
00:00:38,530 --> 00:00:40,293
- No, it's not.
- Yeah. It kind of is.
19
00:00:40,366 --> 00:00:42,630
Okay, why don't the boys
take the field today.
20
00:00:42,701 --> 00:00:44,828
And then I will make
sure that the girls get
21
00:00:44,903 --> 00:00:47,097
a place to practice
by the end of the week.
22
00:00:47,271 --> 00:00:50,763
And that, little lady,
is a Leslie Knope promise!
23
00:00:50,842 --> 00:00:51,900
I'm a boy.
24
00:00:51,976 --> 00:00:53,170
Good. Yeah.
'Cause I wasn't talking to you.
25
00:00:53,244 --> 00:00:54,938
I was talking to you.
You're a girl, right?
26
00:00:55,012 --> 00:00:56,001
Yeah.
27
00:00:56,079 --> 00:00:57,137
Yeah. She.
28
00:01:18,433 --> 00:01:19,626
Mail's here.
29
00:01:21,001 --> 00:01:22,161
- Hey.
- Now what?
30
00:01:22,236 --> 00:01:25,569
Jerry! You got soup all over our mail!
You jerk.
31
00:01:25,607 --> 00:01:28,837
Oh, my God. It's an envelope
from the IOW Awards Office!
32
00:01:28,941 --> 00:01:30,568
Nobody freak out!
33
00:01:31,511 --> 00:01:33,536
Do you know what this means?
34
00:01:33,613 --> 00:01:35,945
I am Pawnee's
Woman of the Year!
35
00:01:36,314 --> 00:01:38,908
The IOW is the Indiana
Organization of Women.
36
00:01:39,084 --> 00:01:41,917
I have been a dues-paying
member since I was nine.
37
00:01:41,987 --> 00:01:43,579
And every year,
they choose one woman
38
00:01:43,655 --> 00:01:46,782
to win the Dorothy Everton
Smythe Female Empowerment Award.
39
00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:49,052
Winning is every girl's dream.
40
00:01:49,126 --> 00:01:51,959
But it's my destiny.
And my dream.
41
00:01:52,530 --> 00:01:55,657
Can you read it, please?
Where are my ladies at?
42
00:01:56,419 --> 00:01:58,071
Here we go.
43
00:01:58,859 --> 00:02:01,193
The I.O.W. Is proud to
announce this year's
44
00:02:01,218 --> 00:02:02,737
"Dorothy Everton Smythe
45
00:02:02,769 --> 00:02:06,330
Female Empowerment Award
Winner: Ronald Swanson."
46
00:02:06,375 --> 00:02:07,899
Ha-ha.
Okay, pretty funny.
47
00:02:07,932 --> 00:02:10,657
- It says Ronald Swanson.
- What? No, no. No, it doesn't.
48
00:02:10,678 --> 00:02:14,375
I... that... no.
That... what?
49
00:02:14,449 --> 00:02:15,677
They only honor women.
50
00:02:15,750 --> 00:02:17,478
And Ron's the
opposite of a woman.
51
00:02:17,551 --> 00:02:18,711
What's going on?
52
00:02:18,785 --> 00:02:21,913
You're Pawnee's Woman of
the Year, it looks like.
53
00:02:24,324 --> 00:02:25,450
Well, it's about time.
54
00:02:25,525 --> 00:02:27,321
No, no, no.
55
00:02:27,393 --> 00:02:29,318
They've obviously made
some sort of mistake.
56
00:02:29,361 --> 00:02:30,589
Bully for me!
57
00:02:30,625 --> 00:02:31,706
Congratulations, Ron.
58
00:02:31,732 --> 00:02:33,044
- Yeah, congratulations.
- Congrats.
59
00:02:33,082 --> 00:02:34,807
- It's very exciting.
- That's awesome.
60
00:02:34,866 --> 00:02:36,766
Awards are stupid,
61
00:02:36,835 --> 00:02:40,226
which is why I fully intend
to decline this nonsense,
62
00:02:40,251 --> 00:02:45,004
and recommend it go to Leslie because
she works really hard, and I don't.
63
00:02:46,643 --> 00:02:50,601
However, she cares way too
much about crap like this,
64
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:55,073
which is why I can't pass up this
opportunity to tease her about it.
65
00:02:56,052 --> 00:02:59,111
Well, we can't stand around
all day congratulating me
66
00:02:59,187 --> 00:03:02,452
on receiving an award from some
lousy women's organization.
67
00:03:02,524 --> 00:03:04,492
Back to work, everyone.
68
00:03:10,564 --> 00:03:16,229
Hey, Freddy. Good news!
Your liquor license renewal got got, yo.
69
00:03:17,337 --> 00:03:18,429
What do you mean by that?
70
00:03:18,505 --> 00:03:21,406
I got you temporary approval
from the liquor board
71
00:03:21,508 --> 00:03:24,476
pending full-board authorization
and council review.
72
00:03:24,543 --> 00:03:25,635
Got got.
73
00:03:25,711 --> 00:03:26,871
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
74
00:03:26,945 --> 00:03:30,005
No worries. You know the Snakehole's
my favorite Pawnee hot spot.
75
00:03:30,282 --> 00:03:31,873
I want to open up
my own club one day.
76
00:03:31,949 --> 00:03:33,974
Maybe call it something
like Club-a-Dub-Dub
77
00:03:34,051 --> 00:03:37,953
or The Clubmarine, sort of
a submarine-themed club.
78
00:03:38,022 --> 00:03:43,478
Or Tom's Bistro.
The word "bistro" is classy as (shit).
79
00:03:43,660 --> 00:03:47,966
Tom, we are looking for a few
top-quality guys like yourself
80
00:03:48,064 --> 00:03:49,690
to become part-owners.
81
00:03:49,765 --> 00:03:51,995
A guy like you, with your
political connections,
82
00:03:52,067 --> 00:03:53,642
I think you'd make
a great asset.
83
00:03:53,903 --> 00:03:56,463
I agree. That's why I got into
public service. To help me.
84
00:03:56,539 --> 00:04:00,065
All right. $10,000 a share.
I need the money by Friday.
85
00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:04,072
$10,000.
That's chump change.
86
00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:08,776
I will see you
Friday with $10,000.
87
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,077
All right, partner.
88
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:15,554
I just don't get why the IOW
would give that award to Ron.
89
00:04:15,955 --> 00:04:16,944
Yeah, it's a bummer.
90
00:04:17,023 --> 00:04:18,115
One, he's not a woman.
91
00:04:18,491 --> 00:04:21,926
And two, they mentioned the Camp
Athena project in that letter.
92
00:04:21,993 --> 00:04:24,757
That's my project. I started that.
It was my brainchild.
93
00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:27,457
Why would Ron start a camp
for troubled girls?
94
00:04:27,866 --> 00:04:29,094
- He wouldn't?
- Exactly.
95
00:04:29,234 --> 00:04:32,566
I deserve that award. That award is mine.
Not his. It's mine.
96
00:04:32,736 --> 00:04:33,828
You know what you should do?
97
00:04:33,904 --> 00:04:35,030
I know,
I already started a list.
98
00:04:35,172 --> 00:04:36,901
"Write an e-mail
to Barack Obama.
99
00:04:36,974 --> 00:04:39,498
"Lock myself in my office and
scream until I lose my voice."
100
00:04:39,576 --> 00:04:40,702
That's all I have so far.
101
00:04:40,777 --> 00:04:42,938
I was gonna suggest maybe you
just go and talk to him.
102
00:04:43,613 --> 00:04:46,047
You're only gonna get more
resentful if you don't.
103
00:04:46,115 --> 00:04:47,103
Hmm.
104
00:04:49,084 --> 00:04:50,108
Hey, Ann. How...
105
00:04:50,185 --> 00:04:51,174
Ann.
106
00:04:51,253 --> 00:04:52,845
I have so much I need
to tell you right now.
107
00:04:53,222 --> 00:04:55,451
Hey, Ann. Leslie would like
to talk to you for a moment.
108
00:04:55,523 --> 00:04:57,115
Is that all right? Good.
109
00:04:58,693 --> 00:05:00,320
Jean-Ralphio.
110
00:05:00,394 --> 00:05:02,953
Big T! What it do, nephew?
111
00:05:05,565 --> 00:05:08,591
Jean-Ralphio, I have a hot
investment opportunity
112
00:05:08,668 --> 00:05:10,431
that you are gonna
wanna jump all over.
113
00:05:10,503 --> 00:05:11,526
Hit me with it, daddy.
114
00:05:11,604 --> 00:05:12,628
The Snakehole Lounge...
115
00:05:12,705 --> 00:05:13,729
Heard of it.
116
00:05:13,806 --> 00:05:14,898
Is looking for investors.
117
00:05:15,241 --> 00:05:17,232
No way. Yesterday,
if you would have asked me,
118
00:05:17,309 --> 00:05:18,469
I would've said no,
but thank God,
119
00:05:18,544 --> 00:05:20,204
my grandfather
just died, so I am
120
00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:24,408
a- flush with cash!
121
00:05:24,476 --> 00:05:28,904
Awesome. I have 4,000 bucks.
All I need you to do is kick in six G's.
122
00:05:28,993 --> 00:05:31,302
- Six G's.
- And then you and I are part-owners
123
00:05:31,333 --> 00:05:32,960
of the hottest
nightclub in Pawnee.
124
00:05:32,990 --> 00:05:34,651
Also, sorry about your grandpa.
125
00:05:34,725 --> 00:05:37,056
No worries. He was a dick.
Here's the thing.
126
00:05:37,126 --> 00:05:39,924
I can kick in five G's.
That should be enough, right?
127
00:05:39,996 --> 00:05:42,260
No, it's not enough.
I just said I need six G's.
128
00:05:42,465 --> 00:05:43,523
What about your trust fund?
129
00:05:43,599 --> 00:05:44,642
My parents had it amended.
130
00:05:44,666 --> 00:05:46,563
I don't get anything until
I'm 50, which is a waste,
131
00:05:46,606 --> 00:05:49,012
'cause I'm gonna be a billionaire
in Costa Rica by then,
132
00:05:49,157 --> 00:05:51,717
eating dolphins and hanging
out with lady singers.
133
00:05:51,755 --> 00:05:54,951
It's not a huge deal. Just sit tight.
I'll take care of it.
134
00:05:55,106 --> 00:05:56,300
You wanna come home with me?
135
00:05:56,341 --> 00:05:58,502
Don't you work
at Lady Foot Locker?
136
00:05:59,146 --> 00:06:00,704
Look, if you're not
gonna pay rent,
137
00:06:00,780 --> 00:06:02,441
at least clean up your dishes.
138
00:06:04,487 --> 00:06:05,397
Is that all?
139
00:06:05,422 --> 00:06:07,591
No. Also,
The Bag of Smells
140
00:06:07,620 --> 00:06:09,997
was a fun experiment,
but it has to stop.
141
00:06:10,042 --> 00:06:13,478
Come on! No. We're finally
starting to get serious results.
142
00:06:13,546 --> 00:06:17,107
Andy, dude, I love you,
but shape up or move out.
143
00:06:19,730 --> 00:06:21,836
- What's going on?
- The guitarist from my band
144
00:06:21,862 --> 00:06:24,537
is driving me crazy.
He's such a control freak.
145
00:06:24,944 --> 00:06:27,138
"That's not
a working fireplace, Andy."
146
00:06:27,212 --> 00:06:29,146
"Stop writing phone messages
on the wall, Andy."
147
00:06:29,214 --> 00:06:30,439
"Dude, seriously, I love you
148
00:06:30,476 --> 00:06:32,720
"but stop digging that weird
hole in the backyard."
149
00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:34,613
Is Mouse Rat gonna break up?
150
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,734
Well, we're not Mouse Rat anymore.
We changed it to Tackleshaft.
151
00:06:38,052 --> 00:06:38,819
Oh.
152
00:06:38,864 --> 00:06:40,525
I should just get my own place.
153
00:06:40,758 --> 00:06:42,964
You should.
I'll help you.
154
00:06:43,159 --> 00:06:45,093
You can help me?
Yeah, that'd be fun.
155
00:06:45,161 --> 00:06:48,048
April, you're like
an angel with no wings.
156
00:06:48,331 --> 00:06:49,662
So, like, a person?
157
00:06:52,968 --> 00:06:54,968
Hey. What's in the envelope?
158
00:06:55,103 --> 00:06:56,331
Nothing.
159
00:06:57,126 --> 00:06:58,115
You wanted to see me?
160
00:06:58,156 --> 00:07:01,420
I think the Pawnee Chapter of the
IOW has made a little mistake.
161
00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:06,745
Really? You're saying a women's
organization made a mistake?
162
00:07:07,051 --> 00:07:08,609
I was as surprised as you were.
163
00:07:08,786 --> 00:07:11,846
But the fact is, they only
give that award to women.
164
00:07:12,023 --> 00:07:15,641
Hmm. Well, it definitely said
Ron Swanson in the letter.
165
00:07:15,826 --> 00:07:17,919
Yeah, but it also mentioned
my camp project.
166
00:07:17,994 --> 00:07:19,484
Yes. Camp Xena.
167
00:07:19,535 --> 00:07:21,141
Athena. Camp Athena.
168
00:07:21,231 --> 00:07:22,391
You don't even know the name.
169
00:07:22,435 --> 00:07:23,924
I almost got it.
I was pretty close.
170
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:24,582
No.
171
00:07:24,614 --> 00:07:26,720
Look, Leslie, your job,
172
00:07:27,002 --> 00:07:29,436
which you're great at,
is making me look good.
173
00:07:29,505 --> 00:07:31,598
Which you've clearly done well
174
00:07:31,674 --> 00:07:34,883
because I'm getting
an award. Right?
175
00:07:35,678 --> 00:07:37,655
- Yeah.
- Be proud of yourself.
176
00:07:37,812 --> 00:07:39,245
You deserve an award.
177
00:07:39,314 --> 00:07:42,321
Not this one, obviously,
this one belongs to me,
178
00:07:42,349 --> 00:07:45,407
but some other one.
Some other lesser award.
179
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:48,417
And if the shoe were on the other
foot and you won the award,
180
00:07:48,454 --> 00:07:50,649
I would've congratulated you.
181
00:07:53,192 --> 00:07:54,672
- Congratulations, Ron.
- What's that?
182
00:07:54,727 --> 00:07:55,751
You heard me.
183
00:07:58,430 --> 00:08:00,523
You promised the girls a field
by the end of this week.
184
00:08:01,733 --> 00:08:04,258
Well, it's a man's world,
Winston. Get used to it.
185
00:08:04,636 --> 00:08:05,659
I'm a man.
186
00:08:07,505 --> 00:08:09,996
You know who you should talk to?
Ron Swanson.
187
00:08:10,074 --> 00:08:11,666
He's an award-winning
public servant.
188
00:08:11,809 --> 00:08:13,400
He's the guy that's
gonna help you out.
189
00:08:13,476 --> 00:08:14,534
Go on in there.
190
00:08:15,512 --> 00:08:18,174
Excuse me?
Ron, someone's coming in.
191
00:08:18,848 --> 00:08:21,442
Hi. Leslie said
I should come over here.
192
00:08:22,484 --> 00:08:25,476
If you don't get credit for
your work, why bother doing it?
193
00:08:25,554 --> 00:08:27,215
Because I love it!
194
00:08:27,890 --> 00:08:29,720
But I'm going to make a point!
195
00:08:32,939 --> 00:08:35,567
This VIP card gives
you exclusive access
196
00:08:35,642 --> 00:08:38,560
to the investment
opportunity of a lifetime.
197
00:08:38,677 --> 00:08:42,408
Where? Multipurpose Room F.
When? 3:00 p.m.
198
00:08:42,882 --> 00:08:46,476
Dress code? Black tie optional.
Just like life.
199
00:08:48,786 --> 00:08:50,253
Hey, you wanted to see me?
200
00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:52,915
Yes, yes.
Just hang on one second.
201
00:08:54,458 --> 00:08:55,857
I'm doing my official portrait
202
00:08:55,926 --> 00:08:57,757
for the IUD
Awards Dinner Program.
203
00:08:57,828 --> 00:08:58,886
IOW.
204
00:08:59,897 --> 00:09:02,735
No, this portrait is not
official in any way.
205
00:09:02,778 --> 00:09:04,602
I'm paying for it myself.
206
00:09:04,834 --> 00:09:06,160
Did you need me?
207
00:09:06,969 --> 00:09:09,597
Because some of us
actually do work around here.
208
00:09:09,672 --> 00:09:12,003
Work that often
goes unrewarded.
209
00:09:12,507 --> 00:09:14,338
I need your opinion.
210
00:09:14,676 --> 00:09:18,578
Which of these objects most
represents women for this portrait?
211
00:09:19,180 --> 00:09:20,408
A pot?
212
00:09:22,249 --> 00:09:24,615
Or this Deputy Director Barbie?
213
00:09:26,220 --> 00:09:29,518
Isn't it adorable? She's got a
little briefcase, her cell phone.
214
00:09:29,589 --> 00:09:32,080
"I'm going to
help my boss win an award."
215
00:09:32,158 --> 00:09:35,615
How's the scheduling conflict
with the soccer teams going?
216
00:09:35,694 --> 00:09:36,683
Take care of that, did you?
217
00:09:36,762 --> 00:09:38,787
Nope.
Passed the buck to Donna.
218
00:09:39,198 --> 00:09:42,167
That's not really the attitude
I'd expect from an award winner.
219
00:09:42,234 --> 00:09:45,031
Everything I do is the
attitude of an award winner
220
00:09:45,102 --> 00:09:46,660
because I've won an award.
221
00:09:48,706 --> 00:09:50,833
So, what kind of place
are you looking for?
222
00:09:50,908 --> 00:09:52,966
I can afford, like,
300 bucks a month.
223
00:09:53,410 --> 00:09:56,607
I've always wanted a doorman named Ernie.
That'd be awesome. Or Kipp.
224
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,011
I'm pretty flexible on that.
225
00:09:58,081 --> 00:10:00,446
Here's a great one.
It's a Tudor mansion.
226
00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:04,850
It's got seven rooms, four bathrooms.
It's got a tennis court,
227
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,649
a pool and
a three-car garage.
228
00:10:06,722 --> 00:10:07,848
What?
229
00:10:07,923 --> 00:10:11,483
And it's only $20,000 a month.
And it's in Chicago.
230
00:10:11,759 --> 00:10:12,953
Ah!
231
00:10:13,194 --> 00:10:14,957
That close!
It was almost perfect.
232
00:10:15,330 --> 00:10:17,797
Actually, there are a couple
of cool places in here.
233
00:10:18,098 --> 00:10:19,463
- Let's go look at them!
- Now?
234
00:10:19,533 --> 00:10:21,070
- Let's roll.
- Okay.
235
00:10:29,208 --> 00:10:31,403
Thank you all so much
for joining me today.
236
00:10:31,477 --> 00:10:33,274
I have two questions for you.
237
00:10:33,745 --> 00:10:37,044
One, are you ready for the
investment opportunity of a lifetime?
238
00:10:37,115 --> 00:10:40,414
And two, do any of you have
pacemakers or a history of epilepsy?
239
00:10:40,485 --> 00:10:42,452
- Yes, both.
- Anybody? No?
240
00:10:42,519 --> 00:10:43,816
- Both.
- All right.
241
00:10:48,325 --> 00:10:49,656
Ladies!
242
00:10:52,362 --> 00:10:56,264
Jay-Z. Rihanna.
Audrina Patridge.
243
00:10:56,866 --> 00:11:00,494
Jon Gosselin.
Lady Gaga. Snooki.
244
00:11:00,769 --> 00:11:02,259
Are these real people?
245
00:11:02,337 --> 00:11:04,328
Cash Warren and Dennis Rodman.
246
00:11:04,940 --> 00:11:07,430
These are just a few of the celebrities
that wish they could invest
247
00:11:07,508 --> 00:11:10,500
in Pawnee's hottest club.
But they can't.
248
00:11:13,147 --> 00:11:15,910
And you can. For the small
price of only one, one, one,
249
00:11:15,982 --> 00:11:19,110
thousand, thousand, thousand
dollars, dollars, dollars!
250
00:11:19,185 --> 00:11:22,518
The only question is,
who's gonna be my partner?
251
00:11:23,222 --> 00:11:26,316
Mark, I'm talking to you!
Donna, I'm talking to you!
252
00:11:26,392 --> 00:11:29,520
Jerry! I'm talking to you!
Mark! I'm talking to you!
253
00:11:31,396 --> 00:11:34,058
Twenty-six certificates,
plaques, ribbons,
254
00:11:34,132 --> 00:11:36,123
trophies, medals and miscellany
255
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:37,895
certifying that I am
the kind of person
256
00:11:37,969 --> 00:11:39,959
who deserves recognition
for her achievements.
257
00:11:40,370 --> 00:11:41,632
What do you have, Ron?
258
00:11:41,705 --> 00:11:45,197
I have the Dorothy Every
Time Smurf Girl Trophy
259
00:11:45,275 --> 00:11:47,004
for excellence in female stuff.
260
00:11:47,077 --> 00:11:49,306
Dorothy Everton Smythe.
I swear to God, I would...
261
00:11:49,378 --> 00:11:50,675
Leslie.
262
00:11:50,746 --> 00:11:53,715
Before you continue,
please read this.
263
00:11:54,283 --> 00:11:56,682
Another organization giving you
credit for something you didn't do?
264
00:12:00,388 --> 00:12:02,686
"I, Ron Swanson, recognize that
265
00:12:03,825 --> 00:12:06,759
"Leslie Knope should have
received the IOW Award
266
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:08,385
"for all the hard work
she has done,
267
00:12:08,462 --> 00:12:10,225
"especially for
the Camp Athena project.
268
00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:13,021
"However, in my opinion,
269
00:12:13,099 --> 00:12:16,762
"she is far too concerned with
institutional gratification."
270
00:12:16,836 --> 00:12:18,303
No, I'm not.
271
00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:20,862
"So, I am going to
let her dangle
272
00:12:21,473 --> 00:12:25,705
"in order to show her
that awards are bull crap."
273
00:12:26,211 --> 00:12:29,668
Come on, Leslie, you know I'm not sexist.
I love powerful women.
274
00:12:29,914 --> 00:12:32,348
You do attend a shocking
number of WNBA games.
275
00:12:32,550 --> 00:12:37,816
I'm just saying that awards are
political, and everybody has an agenda.
276
00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:40,720
If you spend your life chasing
them, you'll drive yourself nuts.
277
00:12:40,924 --> 00:12:45,452
Yeah, all right. But Dorothy Everton
Smythe was a trailblazing feminist.
278
00:12:45,528 --> 00:12:48,360
She was the first woman in Pawnee
to wear pants on a Sunday.
279
00:12:48,430 --> 00:12:50,057
She spent four years
in jail for that.
280
00:12:50,399 --> 00:12:52,458
I know I'm not supposed to
care about these things,
281
00:12:53,702 --> 00:12:55,100
but this one means a lot.
282
00:12:57,538 --> 00:12:59,870
I know you've been changing
283
00:13:00,575 --> 00:13:02,565
The acoustics in
the bathroom are insane.
284
00:13:03,210 --> 00:13:05,701
So, how much is this one again?
285
00:13:05,779 --> 00:13:08,805
This one is $425 a month,
plus utilities.
286
00:13:09,449 --> 00:13:13,714
I like it.
It seems to have a lot of potential
287
00:13:13,953 --> 00:13:17,582
and a lot of
"advantages," per se.
288
00:13:18,357 --> 00:13:21,985
I could definitely picture myself
doing something over there.
289
00:13:24,462 --> 00:13:25,656
Can you hear that?
290
00:13:26,631 --> 00:13:28,063
What is that?
291
00:13:28,565 --> 00:13:29,623
It's still on.
292
00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:31,224
You can light a match
to get rid of that smell.
293
00:13:31,468 --> 00:13:33,459
I feel really good about this.
294
00:13:33,537 --> 00:13:34,663
Really?
295
00:13:34,738 --> 00:13:35,795
It screams Andy Dwyer.
296
00:13:36,072 --> 00:13:39,337
And I live nearby. So, we could,
like, carpool to work or something.
297
00:13:39,472 --> 00:13:40,837
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
298
00:13:41,140 --> 00:13:42,630
The scream just got louder.
299
00:13:42,842 --> 00:13:44,001
So, what do you think?
300
00:13:44,396 --> 00:13:46,292
I don't know.
Make me an offer.
301
00:13:47,946 --> 00:13:51,927
Okay. First come, first served.
Who's in? Jerry?
302
00:13:52,249 --> 00:13:53,477
Jeez, Tom,
303
00:13:53,550 --> 00:13:56,110
if I spend any more than 25
bucks, I gotta ask my wife.
304
00:13:56,186 --> 00:13:57,312
Jerry, get out.
305
00:13:57,387 --> 00:13:58,376
Okay.
306
00:13:58,956 --> 00:14:00,923
"Mark?
What are we doing tonight?"
307
00:14:00,990 --> 00:14:02,651
"I don't know, Ann.
308
00:14:02,725 --> 00:14:05,990
"We could do the usual boring
stuff like eat some chicken salad
309
00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:08,655
"with some crackers,
or watch the pay-per-view,
310
00:14:08,730 --> 00:14:13,463
"or we could go to my nightclub
and do some dancing."
311
00:14:13,802 --> 00:14:15,133
I don't think so, man.
312
00:14:15,203 --> 00:14:16,761
You'd never have to
beg for sex again.
313
00:14:17,104 --> 00:14:21,370
I don't wanna get into this, really,
but I don't beg for sex now.
314
00:14:21,575 --> 00:14:23,440
Forget about that, Mark.
Are you in or out?
315
00:14:24,111 --> 00:14:25,407
It's just not really my thing.
316
00:14:25,912 --> 00:14:27,106
Bye, Mark.
317
00:14:28,948 --> 00:14:30,108
Cindi.
318
00:14:30,183 --> 00:14:31,582
Donna?
319
00:14:31,651 --> 00:14:33,481
Maybe. I like The Snakehole.
320
00:14:33,952 --> 00:14:34,941
Plus, I would look good
321
00:14:35,020 --> 00:14:37,989
pulling into my owner's
parking space in my Mercedes.
322
00:14:38,524 --> 00:14:40,549
Just to be clear, you
wouldn't be an owner, per se.
323
00:14:40,626 --> 00:14:42,115
You, me and my boy,
Jean-Ralphio,
324
00:14:42,193 --> 00:14:43,820
would each own part of a share.
325
00:14:44,095 --> 00:14:45,562
Will that be cash or check?
326
00:14:45,630 --> 00:14:48,827
Not so fast. I like to know
who I'm in business with.
327
00:14:48,900 --> 00:14:50,366
I want to meet your boy.
328
00:14:50,767 --> 00:14:52,826
In here. This lady's here.
329
00:14:52,903 --> 00:14:56,430
Hi, I'm Elise Yarktin,
I'm with the IOW.
330
00:14:56,540 --> 00:14:59,508
I'm Woman of the Year,
Ron Swanson.
331
00:14:59,575 --> 00:15:01,566
Yes, I know.
We are very excited to be
332
00:15:01,644 --> 00:15:03,475
presenting you
with the Smythe Award.
333
00:15:03,846 --> 00:15:05,404
That's what I called you
to talk about.
334
00:15:05,481 --> 00:15:08,142
I don't know if I can take
all of the excitement.
335
00:15:08,416 --> 00:15:11,112
So, I think the award should
go to Miss Knope, here.
336
00:15:11,853 --> 00:15:12,703
Hello.
337
00:15:12,740 --> 00:15:14,264
She's the one
who really deserves it.
338
00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:18,307
Camp Athena was her idea.
She did all the work. You made a mistake.
339
00:15:18,525 --> 00:15:20,550
We didn't make a mistake.
340
00:15:20,627 --> 00:15:24,683
We made a very conscious decision
this year to choose a man.
341
00:15:24,931 --> 00:15:25,955
Why?
342
00:15:26,007 --> 00:15:29,602
Well, every year, we give it to a
woman, and, frankly, nobody cares.
343
00:15:29,702 --> 00:15:34,035
Yeah, the media has all but written
us off as a niche interest group.
344
00:15:34,105 --> 00:15:37,010
But if you give a women's award
345
00:15:37,035 --> 00:15:39,891
to a mustachioed,
masculine man,
346
00:15:39,910 --> 00:15:43,277
such as yourself, well, then,
eventually, people take notice.
347
00:15:43,314 --> 00:15:44,957
I don't want the damn thing.
348
00:15:45,149 --> 00:15:46,616
Well, we're giving it to you.
349
00:15:46,659 --> 00:15:50,174
So, you're gonna
take it, like a man.
350
00:15:51,054 --> 00:15:52,783
So congratulations.
351
00:15:53,690 --> 00:15:55,595
The IOW is a bunch of
sexist jerks
352
00:15:55,626 --> 00:15:57,600
who need to get back in the
kitchen where they belong,
353
00:15:57,626 --> 00:15:59,062
and leave the real
feminist work
354
00:15:59,094 --> 00:16:01,485
to actual feminists
like Ron Swanson!
355
00:16:01,663 --> 00:16:03,893
Oh, my God!
What is happening?
356
00:16:05,728 --> 00:16:07,763
Now do you see
how silly these things are?
357
00:16:07,795 --> 00:16:08,551
Unbelievable.
358
00:16:08,577 --> 00:16:10,211
Obviously,
I'm just gonna decline it.
359
00:16:10,230 --> 00:16:11,424
No, I want you to accept it.
360
00:16:11,455 --> 00:16:12,636
I want you to go to the podium
361
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,342
and talk about
how stupid awards are.
362
00:16:14,457 --> 00:16:16,288
And how they are superficial
and meaningless.
363
00:16:16,359 --> 00:16:18,725
I want you to rip awards
a new a-hole!
364
00:16:18,794 --> 00:16:21,887
Now we're talking. I tell you what.
You write the speech.
365
00:16:21,925 --> 00:16:22,988
Don't pull your punches.
366
00:16:23,026 --> 00:16:24,650
I won't.
I'm gonna push my punches
367
00:16:24,691 --> 00:16:26,454
as far as my fists can extend!
368
00:16:26,501 --> 00:16:28,786
Attagirl. Kind of.
369
00:16:29,470 --> 00:16:32,451
What up, Big T! Stop.
370
00:16:33,107 --> 00:16:34,870
This must be the lovely Donna.
371
00:16:37,577 --> 00:16:39,511
Listen, beautiful,
let's cut the bull, right?
372
00:16:39,579 --> 00:16:42,139
You want this.
I definitely want this.
373
00:16:42,215 --> 00:16:44,240
T.H. wants this.
374
00:16:44,317 --> 00:16:47,046
Let's seal this devil's three-way
right here, right now.
375
00:16:47,119 --> 00:16:49,212
Step one,
we buy into this club.
376
00:16:49,287 --> 00:16:51,016
Step two, we roll over
to the club,
377
00:16:51,089 --> 00:16:53,886
either in your Mercedes Benz
or my pre-owned Acura Legend.
378
00:16:53,958 --> 00:16:56,791
Step three, I dagger you
on the dance floor.
379
00:16:56,861 --> 00:16:58,328
Just bounce,
bounce, bounce, bounce
380
00:16:58,396 --> 00:17:01,796
Now, all the ladies say it Bounce,
bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce
381
00:17:02,098 --> 00:17:03,190
What do you say, sexy?
382
00:17:03,433 --> 00:17:04,457
I'm out.
383
00:17:04,534 --> 00:17:06,468
- Why?
- I hate that guy.
384
00:17:10,239 --> 00:17:14,073
Mr. Swanson. Hi,
welcome to the IOW Awards,
385
00:17:14,143 --> 00:17:16,475
and congratulations on winning.
386
00:17:17,179 --> 00:17:18,202
Yay!
387
00:17:18,279 --> 00:17:20,110
Well, here is
your awards packet,
388
00:17:20,181 --> 00:17:21,978
and if you will just follow me,
389
00:17:22,050 --> 00:17:24,314
we're gonna have a little
meet-and-greet before the ceremony.
390
00:17:24,385 --> 00:17:25,374
- Okay.
- Great.
391
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,779
No, I'm sorry.
This area is for award winners only.
392
00:17:29,156 --> 00:17:30,783
Get over yourself, Elise.
393
00:17:31,458 --> 00:17:34,222
Work on the speech.
Let's nail these women.
394
00:17:35,227 --> 00:17:36,626
- You know what I mean.
- Yeah.
395
00:17:36,796 --> 00:17:39,594
I don't know, Andy. What's it all about?
What's the secret?
396
00:17:40,766 --> 00:17:41,858
Yeah.
397
00:17:41,934 --> 00:17:43,230
Why's it so hard
to become a mogul?
398
00:17:43,835 --> 00:17:46,497
All I want in life is to own a
nightclub on every continent,
399
00:17:46,571 --> 00:17:48,129
have my own line
of upscale sweat suits,
400
00:17:48,206 --> 00:17:49,468
and a cologne
called Tommy Fresh.
401
00:17:49,541 --> 00:17:51,202
And I fell $1,000 short.
402
00:17:51,542 --> 00:17:53,806
Seriously?
That's all you needed?
403
00:17:54,244 --> 00:17:56,041
Tom, I have $1,000.
You can have it.
404
00:17:56,413 --> 00:17:57,880
Thanks, Andy, but I
can't take your money.
405
00:17:57,948 --> 00:17:59,505
I'm a singerlsongwriter.
406
00:17:59,715 --> 00:18:02,183
The two lines I've put into
every song I've ever sang,
407
00:18:02,251 --> 00:18:05,311
"Spread your wings and fly," and
"You deserve to be a champion."
408
00:18:05,922 --> 00:18:10,085
If you're telling me that all you
need is $1,000 to do your dreams,
409
00:18:10,826 --> 00:18:12,191
then I want you to have it.
410
00:18:13,528 --> 00:18:15,086
Are you sure about this?
411
00:18:15,964 --> 00:18:16,952
Maybe.
412
00:18:17,031 --> 00:18:18,658
You don't know how happy
you just made me.
413
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:24,228
He's the Director of the Pawnee
Parks and Recreation Department.
414
00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:26,499
He is also the recipient
of this year's
415
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:29,872
Dorothy Everton Smythe
Female Empowerment Award.
416
00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:32,638
Please put your hands
together for Mr. Ron Swanson.
417
00:18:43,521 --> 00:18:44,681
Thank you. Thank you.
418
00:18:46,491 --> 00:18:51,223
Every award, from the smallest
trophy to the Nobel Prize,
419
00:18:51,828 --> 00:18:53,489
is nothing more than...
420
00:19:01,070 --> 00:19:04,335
Is nothing more than a great
way to honor someone.
421
00:19:04,773 --> 00:19:09,266
So, I would like to present this
year's Dottie English Whatever Award
422
00:19:09,677 --> 00:19:12,407
to the person
who actually deserves it,
423
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,538
Leslie Knope.
Come on up here, Leslie.
424
00:19:20,954 --> 00:19:22,080
Thank you.
425
00:19:22,156 --> 00:19:24,146
I don't know what to say.
426
00:19:24,490 --> 00:19:27,482
Honestly, I'm just very
honored to work for someone
427
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:30,256
as insightful
and kind as my boss.
428
00:19:31,029 --> 00:19:36,524
So, I would like to present this
year's Dorothy Everton Smythe Award
429
00:19:36,601 --> 00:19:38,125
to Ron Swanson.
430
00:19:41,505 --> 00:19:43,370
I don't want it.
Just take the damn thing.
431
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:44,532
You deserve it.
432
00:19:44,608 --> 00:19:46,576
- No, no. Really.
- No, Ron, you deserve it.
433
00:19:46,625 --> 00:19:48,206
- Really, but I don't want it.
- But you won it.
434
00:19:48,231 --> 00:19:49,444
- And you should win it.
- You should take it.
435
00:19:49,469 --> 00:19:51,251
- After that whole conversation...
- I'm being ridiculous.
436
00:19:51,279 --> 00:19:52,717
- You've done...
- Could someone please just take it?
437
00:19:52,738 --> 00:19:55,570
Okay, I'll take it. Who do I speak
to about getting this changed?
438
00:19:55,596 --> 00:19:57,359
- Get off the stage!
- Yeah!
439
00:19:57,419 --> 00:19:59,717
I still think
awards are stupid.
440
00:20:00,589 --> 00:20:04,285
But they'd be less stupid if
they went to the right people.
441
00:20:09,263 --> 00:20:10,662
You gave Tom all your money?
442
00:20:10,798 --> 00:20:12,230
Yeah, well, I'm investing.
443
00:20:12,999 --> 00:20:14,899
I'm like Warren Buffay.
444
00:20:15,435 --> 00:20:16,732
I kind of feel like
it would have been
445
00:20:16,803 --> 00:20:18,031
good for you to
have your own place.
446
00:20:18,104 --> 00:20:23,200
Yeah, I know. But I feel like
Tom really needed the money,
447
00:20:23,275 --> 00:20:24,469
and small sacrifice
448
00:20:24,543 --> 00:20:26,670
to see one of your best
friends' dreams come true.
449
00:20:31,816 --> 00:20:33,044
They cropped you out.
450
00:20:33,451 --> 00:20:34,509
Figures.
451
00:20:34,652 --> 00:20:36,279
So, where are you gonna put it?
452
00:20:36,588 --> 00:20:38,214
I have an idea.
453
00:20:38,789 --> 00:20:41,758
One, two, three.
Two, three.
454
00:20:58,571 --> 00:20:59,560
What's up?
455
00:20:59,619 --> 00:21:01,304
Hey, guys. How long
did you wait in line?
456
00:21:01,335 --> 00:21:03,329
I didn't wait at all!
I'm a part-owner.
457
00:21:03,461 --> 00:21:05,486
Freddy!
I'm back.
458
00:21:05,677 --> 00:21:08,236
Tom Haverford, part-owner.
Let me know if you need anything.
459
00:21:08,470 --> 00:21:10,562
Keep this booth warm
for me every night.
460
00:21:10,593 --> 00:21:12,408
I'm gonna live in this booth.
461
00:21:14,758 --> 00:21:16,020
Yes, sir.
462
00:21:17,877 --> 00:21:19,071
Donna?
463
00:21:20,079 --> 00:21:21,376
What are you doing here?
464
00:21:21,447 --> 00:21:24,594
I bought three shares.
Thanks for the tip.
35982
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