Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,929 --> 00:00:03,419
- Leslie.
- What's up, Ron?
2
00:00:03,497 --> 00:00:07,331
I'm gonna need you to go up to the Bureau
of Motor Vehicles on the fourth floor.
3
00:00:07,401 --> 00:00:11,303
We gotta talk ourselves out of this late
registration fee for the Parks van.
4
00:00:11,372 --> 00:00:13,431
Come on. I don't want to
go to the fourth floor.
5
00:00:13,507 --> 00:00:15,634
That is the creepiest
place on Earth.
6
00:00:15,710 --> 00:00:17,735
The fourth floor is awful.
7
00:00:18,112 --> 00:00:22,705
The DMV, divorce filings,
probation offices. Ugh!
8
00:00:23,384 --> 00:00:26,478
They put a popcorn machine up
there just to brighten things up,
9
00:00:26,509 --> 00:00:27,972
but they used
the wrong kind of oil,
10
00:00:28,022 --> 00:00:30,718
and a bunch of people had to
get their throats replaced.
11
00:00:30,858 --> 00:00:32,826
They'll only talk to you or me,
12
00:00:32,893 --> 00:00:35,563
and I can't go,
because I don't want to.
13
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:41,324
Okay.
14
00:00:56,718 --> 00:00:58,117
Hey, boo. You're pretty.
15
00:00:58,186 --> 00:00:59,551
Uh... Thank you, sir.
16
00:00:59,821 --> 00:01:00,845
Hey, girl.
17
00:01:00,922 --> 00:01:01,946
Are you on probation?
18
00:01:02,024 --> 00:01:04,492
I got clean urine.
You need female? I got female.
19
00:01:04,559 --> 00:01:06,828
- I'm good, thank you.
- Hey, you clean? I buy, too.
20
00:01:06,870 --> 00:01:08,462
Order. Order!
21
00:01:08,797 --> 00:01:11,789
Next case. Indiana vs...
22
00:01:19,808 --> 00:01:22,003
I know, I'm just telling you.
23
00:01:27,582 --> 00:01:28,810
Tom and Wendy?
24
00:01:29,518 --> 00:01:30,746
Popcorn?
25
00:01:53,942 --> 00:01:55,432
So, Tom,
26
00:01:55,777 --> 00:01:58,575
how's everything in
your life, generally?
27
00:01:58,814 --> 00:02:02,012
Amazing. Took a risk.
Bought some shoes online.
28
00:02:03,786 --> 00:02:06,311
Paid off handsomely,
as you can see.
29
00:02:07,390 --> 00:02:08,379
Uh-huh.
30
00:02:08,891 --> 00:02:13,521
And how are your institutions,
that you're a part of?
31
00:02:14,263 --> 00:02:15,924
Ah. You heard
about my divorce?
32
00:02:15,998 --> 00:02:19,456
I saw you on the fourth floor.
I'm so, so sorry.
33
00:02:19,936 --> 00:02:21,699
Honestly, it's fine.
34
00:02:22,038 --> 00:02:26,031
Lasted longer than Avril Lavigne and
the guy from Sum 41, am I right?
35
00:02:26,109 --> 00:02:30,239
I don't know what those are.
Look, Tom, stop working.
36
00:02:30,613 --> 00:02:31,671
Whoa!
37
00:02:31,747 --> 00:02:32,839
Would have been nice
to have saved that.
38
00:02:32,915 --> 00:02:34,477
- You should've auto-saved that.
- Right.
39
00:02:34,517 --> 00:02:36,951
That kind of feels
like your fault.
40
00:02:37,019 --> 00:02:39,749
Look, I've heard your voice when
she calls you on the phone.
41
00:02:39,822 --> 00:02:42,450
I've seen you look at her ass
when she leaves the room.
42
00:02:42,506 --> 00:02:43,863
You love her.
43
00:02:43,913 --> 00:02:46,101
Leslie, I really appreciate
what you're trying to do,
44
00:02:46,126 --> 00:02:47,496
but I'm fine.
45
00:02:47,521 --> 00:02:50,251
Look, look at my face.
Are you watching?
46
00:02:52,068 --> 00:02:53,370
I did a little research,
47
00:02:53,436 --> 00:02:58,669
and divorce is the number two most
stressful event in a person's life.
48
00:02:59,075 --> 00:03:03,808
Of course, marriage is number seven.
So, watch out, everyone.
49
00:03:04,814 --> 00:03:06,281
It's all bad.
50
00:03:08,784 --> 00:03:11,275
We have to step up,
for Tom's sake.
51
00:03:11,354 --> 00:03:12,981
I think Tom seems fine.
52
00:03:13,055 --> 00:03:14,647
Well, that is the problem.
53
00:03:14,857 --> 00:03:17,382
Tom always seems like
Mr. Slickster Cool Guy,
54
00:03:17,460 --> 00:03:18,985
but he's actually
hiding his emotions
55
00:03:19,062 --> 00:03:21,997
underneath a very thick
layer of Axe body spray.
56
00:03:22,065 --> 00:03:24,795
We have to help him.
We are his safe bubble.
57
00:03:24,868 --> 00:03:27,928
She's kind of right.
None of his family lives here,
58
00:03:28,005 --> 00:03:30,496
and all of his friends
are frat guys and morons.
59
00:03:30,574 --> 00:03:32,599
This seems like
none of our business.
60
00:03:32,676 --> 00:03:34,041
Be supportive, okay?
61
00:03:34,111 --> 00:03:37,603
Don't be all, like, "No, I don't want to.
62
00:03:37,881 --> 00:03:43,012
"I am a guy and I like fire and
playing hockey and eating meat!
63
00:03:43,086 --> 00:03:45,418
"No, no, says I!"
64
00:03:46,823 --> 00:03:48,120
That was a really good Ron.
65
00:03:48,192 --> 00:03:49,216
Thank you.
66
00:03:49,293 --> 00:03:50,555
I don't know how to explain...
67
00:03:50,627 --> 00:03:51,719
Hey, Mark.
68
00:03:51,795 --> 00:03:54,593
The shoeshine stand still doesn't
have that syphilis medication
69
00:03:54,665 --> 00:03:56,565
you were asking about.
70
00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:59,995
Ann, hey!
What a coincidence!
71
00:04:00,470 --> 00:04:04,065
Are you in this office
purely for business reasons?
72
00:04:04,641 --> 00:04:08,338
Pleasure, actually.
My boyfriend Mark works here.
73
00:04:08,412 --> 00:04:09,572
He's sitting right next to me.
74
00:04:09,646 --> 00:04:10,772
Hey, Andy.
75
00:04:10,847 --> 00:04:15,682
What a surprise, running into you all day,
every day, every single place that we are.
76
00:04:15,752 --> 00:04:19,620
Likewise. Well, I guess
I'll see you guys around.
77
00:04:19,690 --> 00:04:20,679
See you.
78
00:04:20,757 --> 00:04:23,089
Oh! Uh, also, Mark, again,
79
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:26,659
we don't have those extra-small
condoms you ordered.
80
00:04:27,097 --> 00:04:29,998
I called the factory, it's
gonna take a special order.
81
00:04:30,067 --> 00:04:33,935
Not just because of the size, but
because of the weird shape as well.
82
00:04:34,004 --> 00:04:36,633
Something they've never dealt with before.
We'll talk.
83
00:04:37,041 --> 00:04:39,669
Mark never asked me for any
small, weirdly-shaped condoms.
84
00:04:39,744 --> 00:04:41,268
I made that up.
85
00:04:42,113 --> 00:04:45,412
Every day, I subtly chip
away at their relationship.
86
00:04:45,550 --> 00:04:47,415
Weakening it, little by little.
87
00:04:50,989 --> 00:04:54,447
Where's Tom Haverford?
88
00:04:56,817 --> 00:04:58,267
For (fuck) sake.
89
00:04:58,329 --> 00:05:02,356
So, you had a divorce,
of course, of course
90
00:05:02,433 --> 00:05:04,492
And no one enjoys
a divorce, of course
91
00:05:04,769 --> 00:05:05,895
I don't know what to do, man.
92
00:05:05,970 --> 00:05:09,462
I can't be like, "Hey, Leslie, it's
a green card marriage, I'm fine."
93
00:05:09,540 --> 00:05:11,508
You know, Leslie just thinks
you're a wounded animal,
94
00:05:11,576 --> 00:05:15,273
so her female instincts are kicking in.
Here's what you do.
95
00:05:15,580 --> 00:05:18,310
Act sad, let her pull
the thorn out of your paw
96
00:05:18,383 --> 00:05:20,248
and wrap a bandage around it.
97
00:05:20,385 --> 00:05:23,252
That'll make her feel better.
She'll get off your jock.
98
00:05:23,321 --> 00:05:26,256
You still can't tell anyone
about the green card thing.
99
00:05:26,324 --> 00:05:29,020
Apparently you can get in
trouble even after a divorce.
100
00:05:29,093 --> 00:05:31,994
Damn the man. Well, hey,
your secret's safe with me.
101
00:05:32,063 --> 00:05:33,553
Thanks, Rondoleezza Rice.
102
00:05:33,631 --> 00:05:37,692
Okay, everyone. The rumors are true.
Wendy and I are splitting up.
103
00:05:38,469 --> 00:05:39,936
Yeah, I'm really hurt.
104
00:05:40,004 --> 00:05:42,802
I'm so sorry you feel
that way, little friend.
105
00:05:43,107 --> 00:05:45,803
Why don't we go out tonight,
hit the town after work, huh?
106
00:05:45,877 --> 00:05:49,540
We'll make it Tom's night.
You can go anywhere you want, our treat.
107
00:05:49,614 --> 00:05:54,382
Oh, I know there's a really fun documentary
about tandem bicycles at the art house.
108
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,611
It's supposed to be
pretty unapologetic.
109
00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:58,782
Or we could go
to a restaurant...
110
00:05:58,857 --> 00:06:01,348
Strip club?
Did somebody say strip club?
111
00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:02,951
- No...
- Did somebody say strip club?
112
00:06:03,028 --> 00:06:05,690
You did. I definitely heard
someone say strip club.
113
00:06:05,764 --> 00:06:08,028
- You just did.
- Would the Glitter Factory be okay
114
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:09,431
with whoever
suggested strip club?
115
00:06:09,501 --> 00:06:11,435
I don't think
that's a good idea, Tom.
116
00:06:11,503 --> 00:06:13,903
There is a great
dinosaur-themed restaurant
117
00:06:13,972 --> 00:06:16,600
in Patterson.
It is called Jurassic Fork.
118
00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:21,104
I have gone there three times
a week for the last 15 years.
119
00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:23,546
Ooh! Dinosaurs, huh?
120
00:06:24,249 --> 00:06:25,580
All right. Sounds okay.
121
00:06:25,651 --> 00:06:27,619
Okay! It's gonna be
a crazy night, guys!
122
00:06:27,686 --> 00:06:31,527
- I will see you at Jurassic Fork
at 5:45 p.m. - Yes.
123
00:06:35,127 --> 00:06:37,254
Hi. Welcome to Jurassic Fork,
124
00:06:37,329 --> 00:06:39,908
where the only thing that'll
be extinct is your appetite.
125
00:06:40,753 --> 00:06:42,440
- You ready to order?
- Yes.
126
00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:45,904
I will have the Jamaican
Jerk Chicken Veloci-Wrap.
127
00:06:46,138 --> 00:06:48,265
I'm gonna get
the Tricera-chops, please.
128
00:06:48,340 --> 00:06:50,069
How do you want that cooked?
129
00:06:50,142 --> 00:06:52,142
Medium roar.
130
00:06:53,268 --> 00:06:54,257
Medium rare?
131
00:06:54,460 --> 00:06:55,757
No, medium roar.
132
00:06:56,648 --> 00:06:58,279
For legal reasons, we're
not allowed to make puns
133
00:06:58,317 --> 00:07:00,285
about the temperature
of the meats anymore.
134
00:07:00,352 --> 00:07:03,219
I'll have
the surf-and-turf-a-saurus,
135
00:07:03,288 --> 00:07:05,153
and a couple of
bottles of wine.
136
00:07:06,058 --> 00:07:08,583
I'm gonna need a lot of
wine, so keep it flowing.
137
00:07:08,660 --> 00:07:10,252
I'm not gonna be
drinking anything.
138
00:07:10,329 --> 00:07:12,423
Just wanted
everybody to know that.
139
00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:14,166
I'm not a big fan
of group dinners
140
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:15,496
where everybody splits the bill
141
00:07:15,568 --> 00:07:17,331
no matter what they get.
142
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:19,201
I ordered
a Tyranna-Caesar salad,
143
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,035
and that's all I'm paying for.
144
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,376
Hey, check it out.
They got pool.
145
00:07:26,579 --> 00:07:28,046
Mark, you want to
play a quick game?
146
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:31,777
Finally settle the debate about who's
the better pool player?
147
00:07:31,851 --> 00:07:33,910
I've never had that debate
with anyone, Andy.
148
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:35,639
Come on, we'll put
a little money on it.
149
00:07:35,671 --> 00:07:36,729
Make it a little
more interesting.
150
00:07:36,768 --> 00:07:38,100
- Andy, please.
- No, I just figured
151
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,719
because pool is all about angles
and he's a failed architect
152
00:07:40,748 --> 00:07:42,739
that he might
want to play pool.
153
00:07:42,773 --> 00:07:45,207
- Let's do it.
- Really? That worked?
154
00:07:45,661 --> 00:07:48,430
How to hustle somebody
in pool, by Andy Dwyer.
155
00:07:48,610 --> 00:07:50,443
Step one, find the person
you want to hustle.
156
00:07:50,474 --> 00:07:51,949
Invite them to play pool.
157
00:07:52,107 --> 00:07:54,625
Should they accept, you're in.
158
00:07:55,473 --> 00:07:56,661
Here's what I think
we should do.
159
00:07:56,685 --> 00:08:00,246
Everyone should go around and say
one thing that they love about Tom.
160
00:08:00,278 --> 00:08:01,438
I'll start.
161
00:08:01,500 --> 00:08:04,264
- I really wish I could
have your body. - What?
162
00:08:04,313 --> 00:08:06,873
Ew! Like, tied up,
naked, in your basement?
163
00:08:06,930 --> 00:08:10,457
No, no. I mean, you're in good shape
and you can eat whatever you want.
164
00:08:10,552 --> 00:08:12,383
Well, that was weird, Jerry.
165
00:08:12,454 --> 00:08:13,614
Ann, you go ahead.
166
00:08:13,689 --> 00:08:15,589
I think Tom is really nice.
167
00:08:15,632 --> 00:08:17,520
Also, if you guys want to
give me your credit cards,
168
00:08:17,545 --> 00:08:18,972
I'll just divide it up
myself, I don't mind.
169
00:08:19,018 --> 00:08:20,048
Oh, my God!
Don't worry about it.
170
00:08:20,072 --> 00:08:21,628
The restaurant will
just divide it evenly.
171
00:08:21,665 --> 00:08:24,259
Just enjoy yourself.
April, go ahead.
172
00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:27,989
Tom is the only cool
person in the office.
173
00:08:29,171 --> 00:08:30,297
Ridiculous. Donna?
174
00:08:30,372 --> 00:08:33,001
I love you, Tom.
You're my little prince.
175
00:08:33,476 --> 00:08:38,277
I just want to put you in a little cape
and a little hat and just fly you around.
176
00:08:38,348 --> 00:08:41,360
Thank you, Donna.
Hey, gar�on.
177
00:08:42,085 --> 00:08:46,072
I'm still feeling pretty sad.
Can I get two cr�me br�l�es
178
00:08:46,122 --> 00:08:48,647
and another glass
of bronto grigio?
179
00:08:49,058 --> 00:08:53,893
I thought I had Tom all figured out, but
it's almost like he's faking being sad.
180
00:08:54,430 --> 00:08:55,897
Why would he do that?
181
00:08:58,635 --> 00:09:02,571
And that's game.
I think you now owe me $25.
182
00:09:02,739 --> 00:09:05,833
Shoot. Someone had a pool
table growing up, huh?
183
00:09:06,142 --> 00:09:07,632
Hey, no, no. What do
you say we play again?
184
00:09:07,710 --> 00:09:11,202
We'll make it a little more interesting.
Go double or nothing?
185
00:09:11,281 --> 00:09:12,509
Why not?
186
00:09:12,949 --> 00:09:13,973
Step two.
187
00:09:14,651 --> 00:09:18,382
Lose to your opponent intentionally
so they gain confidence.
188
00:09:18,688 --> 00:09:21,213
Step two has been
completed easily.
189
00:09:22,325 --> 00:09:25,294
Very easily.
Mark is pretty good at pool.
190
00:09:26,930 --> 00:09:30,559
So, how are you feeling, Tom?
Are you feeling okay?
191
00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:34,358
I like pretending to be sad.
I now see why girls do it.
192
00:09:34,571 --> 00:09:38,837
So, your arrangement with Wendy,
it really was completely platonic?
193
00:09:39,342 --> 00:09:41,674
Yeah. Never so much
as even kissed,
194
00:09:41,744 --> 00:09:44,611
except for a little peck at the
wedding ceremony for appearances.
195
00:09:44,681 --> 00:09:47,013
Uh, now that you're
getting divorced,
196
00:09:47,083 --> 00:09:52,351
I sort of feel like there may be
some potential with me and Wendy.
197
00:09:53,524 --> 00:09:58,325
Would it be okay with you if I was to ask
her out, once the fake dust settles?
198
00:09:59,396 --> 00:10:01,762
Yeah, why not? Sure.
199
00:10:02,466 --> 00:10:07,403
Looking at her, I feel like she might
be the perfect spooning size for me.
200
00:10:08,405 --> 00:10:10,270
I'm gonna take a leak.
201
00:10:17,047 --> 00:10:20,278
Oh! That would be $6,400.
202
00:10:21,452 --> 00:10:24,012
I accept checks and
most major credit cards.
203
00:10:24,188 --> 00:10:25,382
Yeah!
204
00:10:25,456 --> 00:10:27,890
Mark is way better than me.
I'm gonna...
205
00:10:27,958 --> 00:10:32,088
I'm gonna say that
there is at least a chance
206
00:10:32,763 --> 00:10:34,890
that I didn't think
this through completely.
207
00:10:36,533 --> 00:10:38,194
I think I'm done, Andy.
208
00:10:38,268 --> 00:10:39,360
Okay. Forget money.
209
00:10:39,436 --> 00:10:42,371
We'll play for something else.
210
00:10:42,439 --> 00:10:43,804
You have nothing
else to give me.
211
00:10:43,941 --> 00:10:47,308
I have a T-shirt I tackled Eddie Vedder in.
It's literally priceless.
212
00:10:47,378 --> 00:10:50,814
Okay, how about this?
If you win, you don't owe me any money,
213
00:10:50,881 --> 00:10:53,111
but if I win, you have to
stop bugging me and Ann.
214
00:10:53,183 --> 00:10:54,309
What are you talking about?
215
00:10:54,385 --> 00:10:57,354
No more comments, no more showing
up when we're hanging out together.
216
00:10:57,421 --> 00:10:58,752
You have to leave us alone.
217
00:10:58,822 --> 00:11:02,451
That doesn't seem like
a very fair bet, Mark.
218
00:11:03,027 --> 00:11:06,190
So, if I win, I also get Ann.
219
00:11:06,997 --> 00:11:10,263
Okay, fine. If you win,
then you get Ann.
220
00:11:11,169 --> 00:11:12,329
Rack them up!
221
00:11:12,404 --> 00:11:13,803
Somebody punch someone!
222
00:11:14,939 --> 00:11:18,306
So, how you doing, buddy?
Want some steak? Champagne?
223
00:11:18,810 --> 00:11:20,300
Think of something extravagant
and we'll get it for you.
224
00:11:20,378 --> 00:11:23,575
What do you want?
A cheese fountain? A ruby?
225
00:11:24,349 --> 00:11:26,579
A goose heart?
226
00:11:27,152 --> 00:11:29,712
How about a marriage?
How about a non-divorce?
227
00:11:29,788 --> 00:11:32,484
Tom, I'm sorry.
Maybe you guys just need some time apart,
228
00:11:32,557 --> 00:11:34,582
you know, to remember how much
you care about each other.
229
00:11:34,659 --> 00:11:38,425
Leslie, think about it.
Does our marriage really make sense to you?
230
00:11:38,496 --> 00:11:40,828
She's a tall,
beautiful surgeon.
231
00:11:40,965 --> 00:11:44,901
I'm a short, beautiful government
employee/club promoter.
232
00:11:45,670 --> 00:11:46,864
You're a club promoter?
233
00:11:46,938 --> 00:11:48,098
Aspiring.
234
00:11:49,107 --> 00:11:52,565
The point is, I
never meant anything to her.
235
00:11:52,644 --> 00:11:54,202
It wasn't even a real marriage.
236
00:11:55,046 --> 00:11:57,674
Now, the sadness is
pouring out of Tom,
237
00:11:57,749 --> 00:12:01,515
like blood from a pterodactyl
after it's attacked by a T-Rex.
238
00:12:01,586 --> 00:12:05,386
I have to take him to a place
where he can't possibly be sad.
239
00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:10,452
Oh, crap.
240
00:12:10,895 --> 00:12:12,726
- We are going to the Glitter Factory.
- What?
241
00:12:12,797 --> 00:12:15,027
Not me.
I can't go back there.
242
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,862
But if you see Jasmine,
tell her she can keep Anthony,
243
00:12:17,936 --> 00:12:20,063
but I want my microwave back.
244
00:12:20,405 --> 00:12:22,373
Okay, good. You're gonna
take April home.
245
00:12:22,741 --> 00:12:24,504
No, I want to go
to the Glitter Factory.
246
00:12:24,576 --> 00:12:28,570
Well, drop out of school and start doing meth.
Let's go, everybody.
247
00:12:29,782 --> 00:12:32,148
Leslie, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,
248
00:12:32,218 --> 00:12:35,949
but once you go in there, you will
see things you cannot un-see.
249
00:12:36,021 --> 00:12:38,546
I'm a feminist, okay?
I would never, ever go to a strip club.
250
00:12:38,624 --> 00:12:41,559
I've gone on record that if I
had to have a stripper's name,
251
00:12:41,627 --> 00:12:43,527
it would be "Equality."
252
00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:45,789
But I'm willing to sacrifice
all that I've worked for
253
00:12:45,865 --> 00:12:48,390
just to put a smile on your
perverted little face.
254
00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:49,900
- So don't blow this.
- All right.
255
00:12:49,969 --> 00:12:52,529
Okay! Lap dances are on me.
I mean, I'm paying for them.
256
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:55,597
- They're not gonna actually be on me.
- Got it.
257
00:12:55,941 --> 00:12:58,876
I kind of feel like Jane Goodall
studying the chimps, you know?
258
00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:00,775
'Cause there are some
feminist scholars
259
00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:03,815
who say that stripping
is a feminist act.
260
00:13:12,784 --> 00:13:15,719
There is a girl here
that also works at Quiznos.
261
00:13:15,787 --> 00:13:19,553
She's really nice to me here, but
really mean to me at Quiznos.
262
00:13:19,593 --> 00:13:24,168
Okay, Tom, go put these in
places I do not approve of.
263
00:13:24,313 --> 00:13:28,044
Leslie, I'm gonna put these in
places you've never heard of.
264
00:13:28,125 --> 00:13:32,357
Yeah, I've been a little down.
Totally natural. I'm getting divorced.
265
00:13:32,997 --> 00:13:36,373
But now, I'm ready to pull
myself up by some g-strings.
266
00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:39,798
God! It is rough in here.
Is it always like this?
267
00:13:40,104 --> 00:13:42,572
I wouldn't know.
Don't like strip clubs.
268
00:13:42,973 --> 00:13:44,737
Smells like a wet mop in here.
269
00:13:45,143 --> 00:13:49,273
And I get the feeling that every one of
these women is running a low-grade fever.
270
00:13:49,347 --> 00:13:51,212
You're one
of the good ones, Ron.
271
00:13:51,283 --> 00:13:52,545
Wait a minute.
272
00:13:53,385 --> 00:13:55,012
Hello, beautiful.
273
00:13:56,688 --> 00:14:00,647
Strippers do nothing for me.
I like a strong, salt-of-the-earth,
274
00:14:00,725 --> 00:14:03,285
self-possessed woman
at the top of her field.
275
00:14:03,361 --> 00:14:05,886
Your Steffi Grafs,
your Sheryl Swoopeses.
276
00:14:06,464 --> 00:14:11,401
But I will take a free breakfast
buffet any time, any place.
277
00:14:18,210 --> 00:14:22,044
Tomcat, pull up a mouth.
This buffet is unstoppable.
278
00:14:22,747 --> 00:14:24,237
Yeah, I'm not hungry.
279
00:14:24,316 --> 00:14:28,377
By the way, you're doing a bang-up
job of looking sad about Wendy.
280
00:14:29,621 --> 00:14:31,816
Does she make scrambled eggs?
281
00:14:32,724 --> 00:14:33,782
No.
282
00:14:33,859 --> 00:14:34,848
Take it down a notch.
283
00:14:35,427 --> 00:14:38,021
You already won
your Oscar, DiCaprio.
284
00:14:39,231 --> 00:14:41,825
Coming on stage
next is Angel. Angel!
285
00:14:42,968 --> 00:14:47,200
Ann, in case I don't sink this, it's
been a real pleasure dating you.
286
00:14:52,510 --> 00:14:54,307
Scratch on the eight!
287
00:14:57,482 --> 00:15:02,011
I'm victorious. I am awesome at
pool and I hustled your ass.
288
00:15:02,788 --> 00:15:05,416
Ann, take a moment
to say goodbye.
289
00:15:06,626 --> 00:15:09,151
I don't even know how to say this.
I am so sorry,
290
00:15:09,228 --> 00:15:12,288
and I will do my best
to visit you on holidays.
291
00:15:12,832 --> 00:15:13,992
Thanks, you tried.
292
00:15:14,066 --> 00:15:15,192
I guess you're his now.
293
00:15:15,268 --> 00:15:16,530
Do you want to get out of here?
294
00:15:16,602 --> 00:15:17,796
I do. Yeah.
295
00:15:17,870 --> 00:15:19,201
Bye, Andy.
296
00:15:19,405 --> 00:15:24,308
I know that, legally,
Ann is now mine,
297
00:15:24,677 --> 00:15:27,805
but it weirdly
doesn't feel that way.
298
00:15:30,182 --> 00:15:33,345
- All right, Tom! This is Seabiscuit.
- Sierra.
299
00:15:33,419 --> 00:15:35,080
Sierra. Sorry.
It's loud in here.
300
00:15:35,154 --> 00:15:38,851
And I gave her money to
writhe around on your parts.
301
00:15:39,425 --> 00:15:40,687
Leslie, I don't
want to do that.
302
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,193
Well, I already paid her.
303
00:15:42,261 --> 00:15:43,411
- Can I get my money back?
- No.
304
00:15:43,462 --> 00:15:44,895
Okay, so let her
do her writhing.
305
00:15:44,964 --> 00:15:46,022
All right.
306
00:15:46,098 --> 00:15:48,862
I just gotta say, Sierra.
I really don't get why this cheers men up,
307
00:15:48,935 --> 00:15:50,960
because it's very insincere
and it's very fleeting.
308
00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:53,835
But go crazy, okay?
Give my friend here the works.
309
00:15:53,906 --> 00:15:56,136
- Really grind the sorrow out of him.
- You got it.
310
00:15:56,208 --> 00:15:57,869
And then, afterwards, maybe
reconsider your profession,
311
00:15:57,944 --> 00:15:59,912
but for now, grind away.
312
00:16:03,416 --> 00:16:04,747
Whoo!
313
00:16:05,284 --> 00:16:07,343
Stripper dancing action!
314
00:16:10,122 --> 00:16:11,919
This isn't working.
I don't want to do this.
315
00:16:11,991 --> 00:16:15,017
Is it because you have a strong,
positive female figure watching you?
316
00:16:15,094 --> 00:16:17,153
No. It's because
I'm miserable.
317
00:16:17,229 --> 00:16:18,355
Okay. Never mind.
318
00:16:19,031 --> 00:16:21,660
Thank you, Seabiscuit.
That'll be all.
319
00:16:21,835 --> 00:16:24,599
All Glitter Factory
girls, please come backstage.
320
00:16:24,671 --> 00:16:25,695
Tom.
321
00:16:26,106 --> 00:16:27,403
I don't know
what's wrong with me.
322
00:16:28,342 --> 00:16:31,277
This is honestly
the saddest I've ever been.
323
00:16:31,345 --> 00:16:32,369
Glitter Bomb!
324
00:16:40,754 --> 00:16:41,743
Ah!
325
00:16:43,056 --> 00:16:46,492
I've been to the Glitter
Factory a million times.
326
00:16:47,260 --> 00:16:50,661
That girl up there,
she's my emergency contact.
327
00:16:51,164 --> 00:16:53,564
But right now, I hate it here,
328
00:16:54,368 --> 00:16:56,427
and I just want to see Wendy.
329
00:16:56,503 --> 00:17:00,303
Tom, it's perfectly normal to feel
devastated when something's over.
330
00:17:00,374 --> 00:17:03,673
It's exactly how I felt when that
Planet Earth series ended.
331
00:17:03,744 --> 00:17:07,407
Sixty days. And then she's
free to marry Ron Swanson.
332
00:17:08,448 --> 00:17:09,847
What? Ron?
333
00:17:09,916 --> 00:17:12,009
He's gonna ask her out.
He told me.
334
00:17:12,486 --> 00:17:16,286
But who cares? If it's not him,
it'll just be some other guy.
335
00:17:19,292 --> 00:17:23,023
Swanson! Did you tell Tom that
you were gonna ask out Wendy?
336
00:17:23,997 --> 00:17:25,089
It's complicated.
337
00:17:25,165 --> 00:17:26,723
What is wrong with you?
338
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,268
I wish I wasn't alive
to hear myself say this,
339
00:17:29,336 --> 00:17:32,396
but I am ashamed
to be your deputy.
340
00:17:32,806 --> 00:17:34,239
I don't get men.
341
00:17:34,307 --> 00:17:36,502
If they're not wagering
their girlfriends in pool,
342
00:17:36,576 --> 00:17:38,977
then they're trying
to steal each other's wives.
343
00:17:39,047 --> 00:17:42,642
It makes you question the whole
notion of those bromance movies.
344
00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:44,642
Tom.
345
00:17:46,220 --> 00:17:49,656
Great! Good, okay.
Could you carry him out of here, please?
346
00:17:49,724 --> 00:17:53,524
And, you know, also maybe not
have sex with his wife? Thanks.
347
00:17:55,329 --> 00:17:56,489
From the knees.
348
00:17:56,564 --> 00:17:58,031
He weighs eight pounds.
349
00:18:00,701 --> 00:18:01,690
Oh! Oh.
350
00:18:02,003 --> 00:18:03,766
- Oh, boy.
- Hi, Wendy.
351
00:18:04,138 --> 00:18:06,698
We took Tom out tonight, and he had
a little bit too much to drink.
352
00:18:06,774 --> 00:18:08,071
Oh!
353
00:18:08,142 --> 00:18:10,940
Okay.
Come on in.
354
00:18:15,116 --> 00:18:18,347
Oh, my God.
You insensitive little hussy.
355
00:18:18,553 --> 00:18:19,542
Excuse me?
356
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:21,451
Leslie, whoa. Halt.
357
00:18:21,789 --> 00:18:25,589
You're not even divorced yet and
you're inviting other men over?
358
00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:26,684
You were married?
359
00:18:26,717 --> 00:18:29,656
Uh... Technically.
Yeah, that's...
360
00:18:29,964 --> 00:18:31,295
That's my husband.
361
00:18:31,365 --> 00:18:32,593
Who's he carrying?
362
00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:34,792
No. No, that's his...
That's his boss.
363
00:18:34,869 --> 00:18:38,566
My husband's the one that's
being carried by his boss.
364
00:18:39,006 --> 00:18:40,871
- How's it going?
- Good.
365
00:18:41,209 --> 00:18:44,770
You know what, Wendy?
You and Ron will be perfect for each other.
366
00:18:44,846 --> 00:18:49,681
You two should get married and start a
club for people who betray Tom Haverford.
367
00:18:51,519 --> 00:18:53,419
You have a lovely home.
368
00:18:56,692 --> 00:18:58,592
So, where do you want this?
369
00:18:59,728 --> 00:19:02,219
So, how you feeling?
Rough morning?
370
00:19:02,464 --> 00:19:05,433
- You know those hangover pills
you can order on TV? - Mmm.
371
00:19:05,501 --> 00:19:08,197
I threw up a bunch of them this morning.
I feel much better.
372
00:19:08,270 --> 00:19:09,760
I know last night
was really rough,
373
00:19:09,838 --> 00:19:12,500
but all I want for you is to
be able to get over this.
374
00:19:12,574 --> 00:19:14,041
Leslie, I need to
tell you something.
375
00:19:14,108 --> 00:19:14,895
Okay.
376
00:19:14,926 --> 00:19:17,970
Uh... The reason I was
acting weird yesterday
377
00:19:18,013 --> 00:19:21,380
was Wendy and I have
a green card marriage.
378
00:19:23,252 --> 00:19:25,220
Oh, my God,
because you're a Libyan!
379
00:19:25,287 --> 00:19:27,221
No. Damn it.
Wendy's from Canada.
380
00:19:27,289 --> 00:19:29,280
Oh! Oh. Okay.
381
00:19:30,492 --> 00:19:31,648
Wait. Start again.
382
00:19:33,362 --> 00:19:34,556
This...
383
00:19:35,731 --> 00:19:39,462
Hey, Ann. Mark. You guys got a second?
It's about last night.
384
00:19:39,535 --> 00:19:43,096
I hope I'm not gonna have to explain
to you that you don't actually own me.
385
00:19:43,172 --> 00:19:44,161
Of course not.
386
00:19:44,239 --> 00:19:47,436
I never for one second
thought that that was for real.
387
00:19:48,210 --> 00:19:51,976
Look, you don't have to worry
about me bothering you anymore.
388
00:19:52,047 --> 00:19:55,778
You clearly have something going,
and I should respect that.
389
00:19:56,251 --> 00:20:00,085
Okay. If you say "psych" right
now I'm gonna be really pissed.
390
00:20:00,722 --> 00:20:03,623
You remembered how much
I like to say "psych."
391
00:20:04,159 --> 00:20:06,650
But no, no.
This is no psych.
392
00:20:07,229 --> 00:20:10,392
Andy, thank you for
saying all that just now.
393
00:20:11,133 --> 00:20:12,225
Sure.
394
00:20:13,235 --> 00:20:16,137
Goodbye, A-Cakes.
Hello, Ann.
395
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,301
Goodbye, Ann.
396
00:20:20,977 --> 00:20:22,467
Goodbye, Andy.
397
00:20:22,545 --> 00:20:23,534
Oh, oh.
398
00:20:28,218 --> 00:20:30,448
I thought for a second you were
gonna chase after me right there,
399
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:34,217
but you didn't, and that's okay.
I meant every word I said.
400
00:20:35,858 --> 00:20:38,850
Aw, you like your wife?
That's a bummer.
401
00:20:39,462 --> 00:20:41,299
Does anyone else know
that you like your wife?
402
00:20:41,331 --> 00:20:43,162
Does your wife know
that you like your wife?
403
00:20:43,233 --> 00:20:45,360
I didn't know until yesterday.
404
00:20:45,435 --> 00:20:48,871
So don't tell anyone.
Don't tell Ron. It's my problem.
405
00:20:50,306 --> 00:20:53,400
How could there possibly
still be glitter on me?
406
00:20:54,043 --> 00:20:57,774
It takes forever to get off.
My crotch looks like a disco ball.
407
00:21:12,028 --> 00:21:16,590
Leslie's sorry She
called you selfish, of course
408
00:21:16,666 --> 00:21:18,827
She just didn't know
the full story, of course
409
00:21:18,901 --> 00:21:22,428
But now that she does
She's sorry, of course
410
00:21:22,605 --> 00:21:24,698
She loves being your deputy
32838
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.