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1
00:00:01,036 --> 00:00:03,988
And to my wife, I apologize.
2
00:00:04,207 --> 00:00:07,336
All I can say is
I wasn't just having sex,
3
00:00:08,112 --> 00:00:11,287
I was making love
to a beautiful woman
4
00:00:11,734 --> 00:00:13,292
and her boyfriend,
5
00:00:13,451 --> 00:00:16,325
and a third person,
whose name I never learned.
6
00:00:16,555 --> 00:00:19,193
Furthermore,
it was wrong of me to say
7
00:00:19,225 --> 00:00:21,717
I was building houses
for the underprivileged,
8
00:00:21,795 --> 00:00:26,415
when I was actually having
four-way sex in a cave in Brazil.
9
00:00:26,561 --> 00:00:28,733
I bet cave sex is insane.
10
00:00:28,775 --> 00:00:29,505
Why?
11
00:00:29,536 --> 00:00:31,099
Because of the echoes
and the humidity.
12
00:00:31,140 --> 00:00:32,129
Mmm-hmm.
13
00:00:32,542 --> 00:00:35,793
In my defense,
it was my birthday
14
00:00:36,212 --> 00:00:38,113
and I really wanted to do it.
15
00:00:38,516 --> 00:00:39,829
I think it's a real shame
16
00:00:39,859 --> 00:00:43,227
when people focus on the
tawdry details of a scandal.
17
00:00:43,522 --> 00:00:47,459
Personally, all I care about is
Councilman Dexhart's policies.
18
00:00:47,527 --> 00:00:51,965
Not whether he was high on nitrous
and cocaine during the cave sex.
19
00:00:52,032 --> 00:00:53,830
Which, by the way,
I heard he was.
20
00:00:54,335 --> 00:00:58,329
One more shocking revelation in a story
that just won't stop unfolding.
21
00:00:58,407 --> 00:01:00,170
It turns out Councilman Dexhart
22
00:01:00,242 --> 00:01:02,734
may have also had
sex with a prostitute
23
00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:07,342
in the limousine on the way to
and from the press conference
24
00:01:07,418 --> 00:01:09,477
where he apologized
for having an affair.
25
00:01:09,821 --> 00:01:10,846
Perd Hapley,
Channel Four Eyewitness News.
26
00:01:10,923 --> 00:01:12,720
Why does anybody wanna
run for public office?
27
00:01:12,791 --> 00:01:15,590
You're just asking to have
your entire life exposed.
28
00:01:15,829 --> 00:01:19,231
Well, if you're squeaky clean,
like I am, there's no problem.
29
00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:21,564
Tom, you're married, and you
hit on women constantly.
30
00:01:21,836 --> 00:01:25,830
Yeah, but I've never sealed the deal.
Just window-shopping.
31
00:01:26,608 --> 00:01:28,839
You can fly to Brazil, just don't
enter the cave. Am I right?
32
00:01:28,911 --> 00:01:30,105
Up top!
33
00:01:53,342 --> 00:01:54,900
I'm sure that you think
that you're clean,
34
00:01:54,977 --> 00:01:57,173
but I bet that we could
find something on you.
35
00:01:57,247 --> 00:01:58,714
I changed my name,
which is legal,
36
00:01:58,781 --> 00:02:01,774
and once in high school, a girl
beat me in a wrestling match.
37
00:02:01,852 --> 00:02:02,841
That's it.
38
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,116
I bet anything I could find
worse stuff on all you guys.
39
00:02:05,190 --> 00:02:07,215
Are you suggesting a game?
40
00:02:07,826 --> 00:02:09,158
- I'm in.
- I'm in.
41
00:02:09,228 --> 00:02:11,984
- I'm out.
- Not an option, Jerry.
42
00:02:12,076 --> 00:02:13,076
You're going down.
43
00:02:13,108 --> 00:02:14,911
No, seriously,
I really don't wanna play.
44
00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:17,479
No, no. Seriously, you are playing.
We're gonna nail you.
45
00:02:18,406 --> 00:02:19,532
I will play, too,
46
00:02:19,607 --> 00:02:23,738
if only to prove that I can find
more dirt on you than you can on me.
47
00:02:24,074 --> 00:02:25,735
That's why we're all playing.
48
00:02:26,783 --> 00:02:28,444
Your desk is over there.
49
00:02:28,518 --> 00:02:30,817
I love games that turn
people against each other.
50
00:02:31,355 --> 00:02:34,655
You guys will never believe what I
just found on Jerry's Facebook.
51
00:02:34,726 --> 00:02:37,217
A friend. Burn.
52
00:02:37,296 --> 00:02:39,993
Okay, again,
I'd really rather not play.
53
00:02:40,066 --> 00:02:41,727
Hey, guys.
What are you guys doing?
54
00:02:41,801 --> 00:02:43,827
Trying to see who has the
least amount of dirt on them
55
00:02:43,904 --> 00:02:45,496
in case someone
wants to run for office.
56
00:02:45,573 --> 00:02:47,132
Well, it ain't Jerry.
That's for sure.
57
00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:48,233
What?
58
00:02:48,310 --> 00:02:51,280
Well, he's got a couple of 359s on him.
Public urination.
59
00:02:51,814 --> 00:02:54,408
I don't like this game.
I just don't like it.
60
00:02:57,421 --> 00:02:59,447
He's probably gonna go
anger-pee in the courtyard.
61
00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:05,187
Well, you crazy park people,
I'm out of here.
62
00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:07,463
Leslie, I'll see you tomorrow.
63
00:03:07,533 --> 00:03:09,229
Tomorrow, will be our
64
00:03:09,302 --> 00:03:11,293
first official...
First date.
65
00:03:11,504 --> 00:03:12,494
Roger that.
66
00:03:12,573 --> 00:03:14,063
Copy. Over and out.
67
00:03:15,243 --> 00:03:18,509
Dave and I are going
on our first date tomorrow.
68
00:03:18,580 --> 00:03:19,449
I'm not nervous.
69
00:03:19,486 --> 00:03:20,531
Why should I be nervous?
70
00:03:20,562 --> 00:03:22,674
We're just two people
going on a first date.
71
00:03:22,841 --> 00:03:24,304
There's nothing to
be nervous about.
72
00:03:31,229 --> 00:03:32,822
That was my phone.
73
00:03:34,233 --> 00:03:35,291
- Hey.
- Hey. Hi there.
74
00:03:35,368 --> 00:03:37,394
What are you...
What are you doing here?
75
00:03:37,471 --> 00:03:40,099
Just having lunch with Leslie.
What are you up to?
76
00:03:40,674 --> 00:03:44,736
Oh, I'm looking for scandalous
information about my co-workers,
77
00:03:44,812 --> 00:03:46,405
for a game that we're playing.
78
00:03:47,416 --> 00:03:49,111
My taxes pay
your salary, right?
79
00:03:50,287 --> 00:03:51,686
- Yeah.
- Cool.
80
00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:58,159
And he looked up at me,
81
00:03:58,230 --> 00:04:01,859
and he said, "Thank you.
You saved my life."
82
00:04:03,102 --> 00:04:04,660
Yeah. Hey, listen,
I'm really nervous
83
00:04:04,737 --> 00:04:06,261
about this date tomorrow night.
84
00:04:06,340 --> 00:04:08,638
Do you have, like, a first
date outfit I can borrow?
85
00:04:08,709 --> 00:04:11,577
Like, I don't know,
a pair of cargo pants?
86
00:04:11,646 --> 00:04:13,341
Yeah, I wouldn't go
with a cargo pant.
87
00:04:13,415 --> 00:04:14,974
What about, like, a sexy hat?
88
00:04:15,051 --> 00:04:16,518
I don't know what that even is.
89
00:04:16,585 --> 00:04:18,143
Helping already.
90
00:04:18,220 --> 00:04:20,018
Do you wanna just come by
after work today?
91
00:04:20,090 --> 00:04:21,557
Sure. Yeah. Tonight?
92
00:04:22,192 --> 00:04:24,093
Several hours from now?
93
00:04:27,566 --> 00:04:29,329
Or you could just
come over now?
94
00:04:29,401 --> 00:04:30,459
I think that would be better.
95
00:04:30,536 --> 00:04:31,697
Yeah, that would give us more time.
Let's go.
96
00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:38,541
Oh, what you doing, guys?
97
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:41,173
Looking for dirt on me?
No point.
98
00:04:41,850 --> 00:04:43,340
Give up now.
99
00:04:43,418 --> 00:04:45,410
Oh, wait, there's this.
100
00:04:46,789 --> 00:04:50,351
Everybody, I bought a
Croissan'wich this morning.
101
00:04:50,928 --> 00:04:53,489
This isn't even a real receipt.
Just a scrap of paper.
102
00:04:54,032 --> 00:04:55,499
Taliban robes!
103
00:04:55,567 --> 00:04:56,625
What?
104
00:04:56,869 --> 00:04:57,995
Where'd you get
that photo from?
105
00:04:58,971 --> 00:05:01,702
Hey, Tom.
Nice Taliban robes.
106
00:05:01,775 --> 00:05:03,242
Those aren't Taliban robes.
107
00:05:03,310 --> 00:05:05,541
That's from Halloween, 10 years ago.
I was dressed like a Jedi.
108
00:05:05,613 --> 00:05:08,776
I'm sure that the voters would
be able to tell the difference.
109
00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:11,115
Mmm, looks to me like
you're in the Taliban.
110
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:14,122
Well, did everybody know
that Ron's ex-wife, Tammy,
111
00:05:14,190 --> 00:05:16,750
is actually his second
ex-wife named Tammy?
112
00:05:16,993 --> 00:05:22,160
That's right.
Ron has two ex-wives, each named Tammy.
113
00:05:23,735 --> 00:05:25,566
Both of them bitches.
114
00:05:26,005 --> 00:05:28,974
Yes, my mom's name is Tammy.
115
00:05:31,712 --> 00:05:33,043
What's your point?
116
00:05:33,180 --> 00:05:35,581
Tom, that was
a Jaeger-secret.
117
00:05:36,418 --> 00:05:38,887
You just breached
a Jaeger-secret.
118
00:05:39,355 --> 00:05:41,687
Damn, this just
heated up quick!
119
00:05:43,293 --> 00:05:44,317
Ta-da!
120
00:05:44,394 --> 00:05:45,986
- That looks great.
- Yeah?
121
00:05:46,062 --> 00:05:48,156
Will you be wearing it out
of the store today, madame?
122
00:05:48,232 --> 00:05:50,723
I think I will, good lady.
123
00:05:53,105 --> 00:05:54,538
Hey, while I have you,
can I ask you a question?
124
00:05:54,606 --> 00:05:55,631
Shoot.
125
00:05:55,708 --> 00:05:56,766
What if he asks me
if I've been married?
126
00:05:56,843 --> 00:05:58,333
- Have you?
- No.
127
00:05:58,411 --> 00:05:59,503
Well, then, say that.
128
00:05:59,580 --> 00:06:01,207
But then he'll wonder
why I haven't been married.
129
00:06:01,282 --> 00:06:03,250
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna say that I was married.
130
00:06:03,317 --> 00:06:05,377
The real question is, should
I say that I have kids.
131
00:06:05,454 --> 00:06:06,819
Guys like girls
that have kids, right?
132
00:06:06,888 --> 00:06:07,877
Whoa!
133
00:06:07,957 --> 00:06:09,982
What if I get drunk and I
talk about Darfur too much?
134
00:06:10,059 --> 00:06:12,153
Or not enough?
What if I don't bring up Darfur enough?
135
00:06:12,229 --> 00:06:13,253
Leslie, relax.
136
00:06:13,330 --> 00:06:14,319
Yeah.
137
00:06:14,398 --> 00:06:15,490
Okay?
138
00:06:15,599 --> 00:06:18,467
I just have a few
more questions for you, Ann.
139
00:06:18,536 --> 00:06:20,163
What if he shows up
with another woman?
140
00:06:20,238 --> 00:06:23,868
What if one of my sleeves catches
on fire and it spreads rapidly?
141
00:06:23,943 --> 00:06:27,209
What if instead of Tic Tacs, I
accidentally pop a couple of Ambien
142
00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,181
and I have to keep punching
my leg to stay awake?
143
00:06:29,250 --> 00:06:31,343
Those are all
insane hypotheticals.
144
00:06:31,419 --> 00:06:33,320
And I promise you
they won't happen.
145
00:06:34,389 --> 00:06:36,118
They have happened.
146
00:06:36,758 --> 00:06:38,886
All of these have
happened to me.
147
00:06:39,529 --> 00:06:40,587
No, there's more.
148
00:06:40,663 --> 00:06:43,690
One time, I accidentally drank
an entire bottle of vinegar.
149
00:06:43,767 --> 00:06:45,064
I thought it was terrible wine.
150
00:06:45,135 --> 00:06:46,228
Once I went out with a guy
151
00:06:46,304 --> 00:06:48,602
who wore 3D glasses
the entire evening.
152
00:06:48,907 --> 00:06:51,843
Oh, one time I rode in a
sidecar on a guy's motorcycle,
153
00:06:51,911 --> 00:06:54,642
and the sidecar detached and
went down a flight of stairs.
154
00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:57,980
Another time, I went to a
really boring movie with a guy,
155
00:06:58,051 --> 00:07:01,488
and while I was asleep, he tried
to pull out one of my teeth.
156
00:07:01,556 --> 00:07:04,390
I literally woke up
with his hand in my mouth.
157
00:07:04,460 --> 00:07:06,587
We went out a couple times after
that, but then he got weird.
158
00:07:06,696 --> 00:07:10,325
I know it sounds crazy,
I'm a grown woman,
159
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,369
but I am just not
good on first dates.
160
00:07:12,436 --> 00:07:14,642
Oh, okay. Okay.
161
00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:16,551
You have a problem, and this
is how we're gonna fix it.
162
00:07:16,576 --> 00:07:17,467
I know what you're thinking.
163
00:07:17,517 --> 00:07:20,114
I wear an earpiece,
you sit at a table nearby,
164
00:07:20,146 --> 00:07:22,171
you speak into a mic, you tell
me what to say on the date.
165
00:07:22,204 --> 00:07:23,900
But let me tell you something,
Ann, it never works.
166
00:07:23,949 --> 00:07:27,565
No, no, no. We are gonna go to a
restaurant and have a practice date.
167
00:07:27,598 --> 00:07:30,158
I will pretend to be Dave,
and you will practice on me.
168
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,165
That's a way better idea.
169
00:07:34,772 --> 00:07:36,673
Hey, Dave, it's me.
It's Leslie.
170
00:07:36,742 --> 00:07:38,266
- Hi, Leslie. It's good to see you.
- Hi!
171
00:07:38,344 --> 00:07:40,245
You don't wanna
do that quite yet.
172
00:07:41,173 --> 00:07:42,573
So, Dave.
173
00:07:42,684 --> 00:07:44,312
Let's begin our conversation.
174
00:07:46,621 --> 00:07:48,590
What's on the note cards?
175
00:07:48,657 --> 00:07:50,386
They're possible
topics of conversation.
176
00:07:50,459 --> 00:07:53,588
"Whales, parades,
electricity."
177
00:07:54,531 --> 00:07:55,657
And the rest are blank.
178
00:07:55,732 --> 00:07:57,428
Yeah, well, I couldn't
think of anything else.
179
00:07:57,801 --> 00:08:00,333
Leslie's in worse
shape than I thought.
180
00:08:04,175 --> 00:08:06,371
Is she practice-laughing?
181
00:08:06,479 --> 00:08:09,243
Oh, Dave... you!
182
00:08:12,464 --> 00:08:15,120
The Danish call it
"op og ned apparat,"
183
00:08:15,151 --> 00:08:18,781
which literally translated means
the "up and down machine."
184
00:08:18,830 --> 00:08:22,130
Wow, that's a thorough
history of the teeter-totter.
185
00:08:22,182 --> 00:08:24,794
Now I'm gonna talk about
the local flora and fauna
186
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:25,863
found in Pawnee.
- Okay.
187
00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:28,363
- What's amazing... - You know what?
Just ask me a question.
188
00:08:28,391 --> 00:08:29,677
Just try to get to know me.
189
00:08:29,708 --> 00:08:30,801
Okay.
190
00:08:33,148 --> 00:08:35,845
I can't think of anything to ask you.
I'm sorry. My mind is blank.
191
00:08:35,918 --> 00:08:38,113
Just ask me the first thing
that comes to your head.
192
00:08:38,168 --> 00:08:39,659
How big is it?
193
00:08:41,291 --> 00:08:42,953
- Really?
- Oh, my God.
194
00:08:43,695 --> 00:08:45,686
Hey, Tommy. Hi.
195
00:08:45,763 --> 00:08:46,788
- Hey.
- Are you ready?
196
00:08:46,822 --> 00:08:49,256
Yes, I am.
Just give me one second.
197
00:08:49,907 --> 00:08:52,502
Hey, Donna.
Let me ask you something.
198
00:08:52,739 --> 00:08:54,068
Do you hate black people?
199
00:08:54,107 --> 00:08:55,113
Excuse me?
200
00:08:55,156 --> 00:08:57,477
'Cause, apparently, in 1988,
201
00:08:57,645 --> 00:09:02,379
you donated money to the presidential
campaign for David Duke.
202
00:09:02,451 --> 00:09:03,544
The KKK guy?
203
00:09:03,588 --> 00:09:06,440
I got a phone call.
They said he would lower taxes.
204
00:09:06,489 --> 00:09:07,787
Boom!
205
00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:09,748
How's it feel to lose so hard?
206
00:09:10,294 --> 00:09:12,286
I'm sorry, honey.
Let's get coffee.
207
00:09:12,459 --> 00:09:15,140
Ree-Ron! You remember my
wife, Wendy Haverford.
208
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:16,225
- Of course.
- Yeah, hi.
209
00:09:16,270 --> 00:09:17,438
How are things at the hospital?
210
00:09:17,489 --> 00:09:21,517
Very good, thank you.
I just got a pediatric surgery fellowship.
211
00:09:22,090 --> 00:09:23,751
Nice.
We're celebrating,
212
00:09:23,806 --> 00:09:26,833
'cause she's super rich
and super hot also.
213
00:09:26,904 --> 00:09:28,903
Okay. Come on, Tommy.
Cut it out.
214
00:09:28,984 --> 00:09:31,452
You're super hot.
Everybody else has to deal with it.
215
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,955
Let's get out of here.
See you later, Ron.
216
00:09:35,661 --> 00:09:39,458
I've established a scientifically
perfect 10-point scale
217
00:09:39,488 --> 00:09:40,614
of human beauty.
218
00:09:40,665 --> 00:09:42,497
Wendy is a 7.4,
219
00:09:42,568 --> 00:09:47,200
which is way too high
for Tom, who is a 3.8.
220
00:09:47,674 --> 00:09:50,075
Ten is tennis
legend Steffi Graf.
221
00:09:53,180 --> 00:09:54,341
Hi, Dave.
222
00:09:54,416 --> 00:09:57,544
You're late. And I can see your
nipples through your dress.
223
00:09:57,599 --> 00:09:59,432
What? No. Really?
224
00:09:59,570 --> 00:10:02,592
In nursing school, we took a psych
course on how to treat phobias
225
00:10:02,659 --> 00:10:05,127
with a method called
"exposure therapy."
226
00:10:05,195 --> 00:10:06,629
So, like, if you were
afraid of snakes,
227
00:10:06,678 --> 00:10:08,839
they would immerse you
in a tank of snakes.
228
00:10:08,933 --> 00:10:13,200
So, I am going to immerse
Leslie in a tank of bad date.
229
00:10:13,439 --> 00:10:15,101
You're 20 minutes late,
I almost left.
230
00:10:15,175 --> 00:10:16,199
Okay.
231
00:10:16,276 --> 00:10:17,743
- God!
- Well, I was
232
00:10:18,478 --> 00:10:19,844
dropping my niece off.
233
00:10:19,914 --> 00:10:20,972
What's your niece's name?
234
00:10:21,048 --> 00:10:22,037
Torple.
235
00:10:22,116 --> 00:10:24,176
What? I don't know.
236
00:10:24,253 --> 00:10:26,380
That's not a name.
I don't have a niece.
237
00:10:27,590 --> 00:10:29,751
- My niece's name is Stephanie.
- Stop lying.
238
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:32,395
Hey, look. There's bread.
You want some? Oh, no!
239
00:10:32,496 --> 00:10:35,659
- I got flowers in your soup.
I'm so sorry. - Oh come on!
240
00:10:35,714 --> 00:10:39,772
Just...
I have to go to the whiz palace.
241
00:10:39,871 --> 00:10:42,363
You know, Dave, the
place where you...
242
00:10:42,397 --> 00:10:44,093
You know, the toilet thing.
243
00:10:48,168 --> 00:10:50,899
It's a bathroom!
It's called a bathroom!
244
00:10:54,023 --> 00:10:55,354
Hey, Mark.
245
00:10:56,458 --> 00:11:01,159
A little birdie told me that you
have one unpaid parking ticket.
246
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:02,826
Well, that's funny, because
a little birdie told me
247
00:11:02,856 --> 00:11:06,090
that your adoptive mother was
arrested for marijuana possession.
248
00:11:06,145 --> 00:11:08,132
Oh, snap!
249
00:11:08,188 --> 00:11:09,014
What?
250
00:11:09,059 --> 00:11:11,085
You didn't know that, huh?
251
00:11:13,177 --> 00:11:14,941
I didn't know I was adopted.
252
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:20,927
Oh, no. Oh, Jerry.
Oh, Jerry. I'm so sorry.
253
00:11:20,970 --> 00:11:22,612
- I really didn't wanna play.
- You...
254
00:11:25,278 --> 00:11:26,803
That was not my intention.
255
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:28,217
It's not your fault.
He totally baited you
256
00:11:28,248 --> 00:11:30,248
with that unpaid
parking ticket.
257
00:11:30,752 --> 00:11:33,243
Tom, could you
come into my office?
258
00:11:34,523 --> 00:11:36,013
Tom-ato sauce.
259
00:11:36,556 --> 00:11:38,080
Ron-tonamo Bay.
260
00:11:38,227 --> 00:11:42,571
Do be seated and
congratulate me.
261
00:11:43,034 --> 00:11:44,058
For what?
262
00:11:44,135 --> 00:11:45,466
Winning the game.
263
00:11:45,536 --> 00:11:48,597
I just found out, through some
pretty impressive investigating,
264
00:11:48,674 --> 00:11:52,702
that your wedding was a sham.
It's a green card marriage.
265
00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:56,143
That's crazy. I was born in South Carolina.
These colors don't run, baby.
266
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:59,447
Yes, but Wendy
was born in Ottawa, Canada.
267
00:12:00,422 --> 00:12:03,414
Her visa was set to expire
the day after you got married
268
00:12:03,491 --> 00:12:07,656
at the county courthouse in front
of three strangers and no family.
269
00:12:08,532 --> 00:12:11,092
Okay. We met in college.
270
00:12:11,168 --> 00:12:13,797
She wanted to work in the States,
she couldn't get a permit...
271
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:18,205
I knew it. I knew you couldn't
get a wife as hot as her.
272
00:12:18,277 --> 00:12:20,906
Seriously, Ron. Games aside, you
gotta keep this between us.
273
00:12:20,980 --> 00:12:22,004
Don't tell anybody, please.
274
00:12:22,082 --> 00:12:24,448
Now, come on. Don't worry.
I'm not gonna turn you in.
275
00:12:24,517 --> 00:12:27,112
Just admit that when it
comes to digging up dirt,
276
00:12:27,188 --> 00:12:30,386
I bested you in this game.
Say it. Say, "I bested you."
277
00:12:30,459 --> 00:12:32,859
Fine. You bested me.
Is that all?
278
00:12:33,696 --> 00:12:36,358
No. I'll have
your wife tonight.
279
00:12:36,699 --> 00:12:37,792
What?
280
00:12:38,702 --> 00:12:41,000
I'm just kidding.
Get out of here.
281
00:12:41,873 --> 00:12:44,808
Why would you say that, Dave?
That dog was, like, my best friend.
282
00:12:44,876 --> 00:12:46,037
And when she died,
it was one of...
283
00:12:46,112 --> 00:12:47,704
Bring, bring, bring,
bring, bring.
284
00:12:47,780 --> 00:12:48,906
Hey, Tiffany.
285
00:12:49,415 --> 00:12:51,350
Yeah, I definitely
wanna see you tonight.
286
00:12:52,419 --> 00:12:53,716
No, I can't really
talk right now,
287
00:12:53,787 --> 00:12:55,449
'cause I'm on
a date with this drip.
288
00:12:56,357 --> 00:12:57,381
Yeah, I can ask.
289
00:12:57,458 --> 00:13:00,360
Hey, do you wanna watch a porno
after this with me and my wife?
290
00:13:00,429 --> 00:13:03,194
No, Dave.
'Cause you're disgusting.
291
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,293
So, it's definitely a no?
292
00:13:06,369 --> 00:13:08,463
I don't understand why
you're being so terrible.
293
00:13:08,539 --> 00:13:10,097
We're just two people
trying to go on a date.
294
00:13:10,174 --> 00:13:11,403
It's supposed to be fun.
It's just a date.
295
00:13:11,476 --> 00:13:14,274
You're right, it is.
Well done.
296
00:13:14,846 --> 00:13:16,405
Sorry I had to get
all medical on you.
297
00:13:16,482 --> 00:13:19,975
But now you see that even if
everything goes wrong, you'll survive.
298
00:13:21,221 --> 00:13:22,848
Well, well, well.
299
00:13:24,125 --> 00:13:26,184
You coy bastard.
300
00:13:28,998 --> 00:13:30,090
Mark.
301
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,169
- Tom.
- You hate Ron, right?
302
00:13:33,735 --> 00:13:35,134
No. I think Ron is fine.
303
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:36,874
So, we're on the same page.
304
00:13:37,106 --> 00:13:38,403
You gotta help me
take this guy down.
305
00:13:38,474 --> 00:13:39,964
There's gotta be
something on him.
306
00:13:40,042 --> 00:13:42,705
Tom, I'm starting to feel kind
of gross about this game.
307
00:13:42,779 --> 00:13:44,372
It's not about
the game anymore.
308
00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:46,643
Ron has some serious dirt on me.
I need to balance things out.
309
00:13:46,717 --> 00:13:49,152
You must know how that feels, you
got tons of dirt in your past.
310
00:13:49,221 --> 00:13:50,620
Please, you gotta help me.
311
00:13:53,626 --> 00:13:56,026
There is a man
named Duke Silver.
312
00:13:56,796 --> 00:13:59,425
He hangs out at
a bar in Eagleton.
313
00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:02,959
He's an old friend of Ron's,
maybe you should ask him.
314
00:14:03,037 --> 00:14:05,632
Thanks, man. I'm gonna dig
up so much dirt on this guy,
315
00:14:05,708 --> 00:14:08,541
there's gonna be worms
all over the place.
316
00:14:10,414 --> 00:14:12,143
- It sounded snappier in my head.
- Yeah.
317
00:14:12,916 --> 00:14:14,509
Ann is so awesome.
318
00:14:14,585 --> 00:14:15,745
I'm lucky to have a friend
319
00:14:15,820 --> 00:14:19,052
who would spend a whole day
being so mean to me.
320
00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:21,285
Catch.
321
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,386
I don't need your dress anymore,
I'm gonna wear my own stuff.
322
00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:24,487
Me-power.
323
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:27,432
Good. You're officially
first date-proof.
324
00:14:27,568 --> 00:14:29,160
Thank you, Dave.
325
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:33,071
Listen, it is impossible
that he's not gonna like you.
326
00:14:33,141 --> 00:14:34,973
He's gonna freak out
about how awesome you are.
327
00:14:35,044 --> 00:14:36,136
No, he's not.
328
00:14:36,212 --> 00:14:37,907
Yes, he is.
He's gonna love you.
329
00:14:37,980 --> 00:14:41,144
You're cool and you're sexy and
you're funny and you're smart...
330
00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:42,648
- Yeah.
- Look, any guy would be lucky
331
00:14:42,686 --> 00:14:44,086
to date you.
- Yeah.
332
00:14:44,154 --> 00:14:45,951
- Yeah. Hell, yeah.
- Yeah. Hells, yeah!
333
00:14:45,999 --> 00:14:47,037
- Yeah.
- I am awesome.
334
00:14:47,091 --> 00:14:48,616
You are awesome.
335
00:14:48,694 --> 00:14:50,161
Yeah, and you are, too.
336
00:14:50,229 --> 00:14:51,720
- Thank you.
- You are, too.
337
00:14:51,798 --> 00:14:53,231
- Thank you.
- You are, too, Ann.
338
00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:54,950
Okay. You're awesome.
339
00:14:54,994 --> 00:14:56,019
You're awesome.
340
00:14:59,540 --> 00:15:02,348
Help, police! Help! Help!
341
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:05,764
Hey.
342
00:15:05,844 --> 00:15:09,511
Look, I know today is today,
and it's not tomorrow,
343
00:15:09,553 --> 00:15:12,682
but I felt like you should
know that I'm awesome,
344
00:15:12,757 --> 00:15:14,281
and you're lucky to have me.
345
00:15:14,359 --> 00:15:17,090
And I think our first date
tomorrow is gonna go awesome,
346
00:15:17,163 --> 00:15:19,687
off-the-charts amazing.
Up top.
347
00:15:21,735 --> 00:15:23,669
All right,
let's do this, bitch!
348
00:15:24,285 --> 00:15:27,050
I'm not scared.
Can I come and sit down for a little bit?
349
00:15:27,141 --> 00:15:29,167
'Cause I walked here,
'cause... the drinking.
350
00:15:29,245 --> 00:15:30,269
I don't know...
351
00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:33,783
I do know. I'm coming inside.
So, move, okay?
352
00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:36,285
You make a better
door than a guy.
353
00:15:39,049 --> 00:15:40,107
Hey.
354
00:15:40,158 --> 00:15:43,699
This is gonna sound weird.
I'm looking for a guy named Duke Silver.
355
00:15:43,820 --> 00:15:45,448
Yeah, he goes on in a second.
356
00:15:46,231 --> 00:15:49,429
Ladies, ladies, ladies,
it's just about that time.
357
00:15:49,502 --> 00:15:52,437
It's with the jazziest pleasure
that I bring out for you,
358
00:15:52,505 --> 00:15:55,577
my man, Mr. Duke Silver!
359
00:16:00,648 --> 00:16:01,911
Thank you, Dwayne.
360
00:16:01,984 --> 00:16:05,442
As always, it is a thrill to be
here, during this witching hour
361
00:16:05,521 --> 00:16:07,251
with you lovely ladies.
362
00:16:07,323 --> 00:16:09,917
Now, relax,
and let the Duke Silver Trio
363
00:16:09,993 --> 00:16:12,622
take you on a little
journey to yourself.
364
00:16:28,016 --> 00:16:32,545
Ann was helping me because I
was panicking about tomorrow.
365
00:16:33,656 --> 00:16:35,214
Well, did I say something
to make you worry about...
366
00:16:35,291 --> 00:16:36,850
No, no.
367
00:16:37,394 --> 00:16:40,796
Just the whole idea of first
dates just kind of freak me out.
368
00:16:40,865 --> 00:16:42,628
But not anymore.
369
00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:46,034
I can't even believe that I was
scared to go on a date with you.
370
00:16:46,105 --> 00:16:48,597
I mean, you should
be scared of me.
371
00:16:48,742 --> 00:16:49,731
Okay.
372
00:16:49,809 --> 00:16:51,902
I think I need to
return this sweater.
373
00:16:51,978 --> 00:16:54,948
I think it fused with my shirt
in the dryer or something.
374
00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:57,314
Okay, I think that's
a sweater-shirt combo.
375
00:16:59,855 --> 00:17:02,882
I think it's going
pretty well with Dave.
376
00:17:02,959 --> 00:17:05,793
He wants me.
I can totally tell that he wants me.
377
00:17:05,863 --> 00:17:08,661
I'm right here.
You know I'm here, right?
378
00:17:10,268 --> 00:17:13,670
Did you see my bra?
Mmm? Bee, boop.
379
00:17:13,739 --> 00:17:15,866
Guess what? I'm wearing the hot
one tomorrow, the black one.
380
00:17:15,941 --> 00:17:17,842
- Okay.
- Can I use your bathroom?
381
00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:19,003
- Yes.
- Are you impressed
382
00:17:19,041 --> 00:17:20,173
that I know what it's called?
383
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:21,601
Look, maybe I ought to
give you a lift home.
384
00:17:21,628 --> 00:17:24,791
Good. Well, in London,
they call elevators "lifts."
385
00:17:24,852 --> 00:17:25,945
So, you're gonna give
me an elevator home?
386
00:17:26,021 --> 00:17:27,579
- No, thank you.
- Okay. Let's... Let's go.
387
00:17:27,618 --> 00:17:29,056
- Okay?
- Okay. Let's go...
388
00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:30,787
- Okay.
- ...down to the pub...
389
00:17:30,860 --> 00:17:32,452
- That's right. To the pub.
- ...get a pint.
390
00:17:32,497 --> 00:17:33,554
- Yes.
- We'll put our knickers
391
00:17:33,596 --> 00:17:35,155
in The Beatles records.
- Okay, yeah. That's...
392
00:17:35,232 --> 00:17:36,680
This is an English accent.
393
00:17:36,801 --> 00:17:39,430
What I cannot
believe is Dexhart's wife.
394
00:17:39,504 --> 00:17:41,328
I mean,
how clueless can you get?
395
00:17:41,373 --> 00:17:44,241
How did she not know
this was going on?
396
00:17:44,310 --> 00:17:48,042
More importantly, how does she
stay with him after all this?
397
00:17:48,482 --> 00:17:49,540
I think
Dexhart's credibility...
398
00:17:49,616 --> 00:17:53,815
Hey. Can I help you
at 11:48 p. m?
399
00:17:53,888 --> 00:17:57,086
Okay, here's the whole thing.
Here are all my skeletons.
400
00:17:57,159 --> 00:17:59,856
When I was 16, I had sex
with a married woman.
401
00:17:59,930 --> 00:18:01,625
- Right.
- When I was in college,
402
00:18:01,654 --> 00:18:03,386
I smoked
a decent amount of pot.
403
00:18:03,434 --> 00:18:05,134
- Uh-huh. - Nothing insane.
When I tell you what...
404
00:18:05,154 --> 00:18:06,348
What the hell are you doing?
405
00:18:06,404 --> 00:18:09,238
What I'm doing is, I'm trying to
tell you that I've done some stuff
406
00:18:09,308 --> 00:18:11,640
that I'm not very proud of.
But I like you.
407
00:18:11,710 --> 00:18:13,372
So, I would rather you
not find out about this
408
00:18:13,446 --> 00:18:15,437
from anyone but me.
409
00:18:15,515 --> 00:18:17,151
This was a bad idea.
410
00:18:17,885 --> 00:18:20,049
No, no. It's fine.
411
00:18:20,388 --> 00:18:23,084
I get what this is,
and why you did it.
412
00:18:25,027 --> 00:18:27,427
Is there anything that you would
like to share from your past,
413
00:18:27,496 --> 00:18:29,055
to sort of balance the scales?
414
00:18:29,132 --> 00:18:30,156
Yeah.
415
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,293
One time this guy rang
my doorbell at midnight,
416
00:18:32,369 --> 00:18:34,930
to brag about getting laid
when he was 16, so I shot him.
417
00:18:35,006 --> 00:18:36,371
Good night.
418
00:18:37,843 --> 00:18:41,541
It's been a real gift making
sonic love to you tonight.
419
00:18:41,615 --> 00:18:44,778
If you want more of the Duke, both
my albums are for sale here,
420
00:18:44,851 --> 00:18:47,946
Smooth As Silver
and Hi Ho, Duke.
421
00:18:48,022 --> 00:18:52,050
And look for my new CD
next month, The Memories of Now.
422
00:18:52,961 --> 00:18:56,557
So, come see me, come talk
to me, come love with me,
423
00:18:56,633 --> 00:18:59,262
and maybe we can
walk through fire together.
424
00:18:59,470 --> 00:19:00,698
Thank you. Good night.
425
00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:09,173
Duke! Huge fan.
426
00:19:14,388 --> 00:19:17,790
Look, Tom. I imagine you'll
wanna tell everyone about this,
427
00:19:17,859 --> 00:19:20,886
but I have worked pretty hard to
cultivate a certain authoritative,
428
00:19:20,963 --> 00:19:22,328
or intimidating image
around the office...
429
00:19:22,398 --> 00:19:23,866
Can I... Can I get
a picture?
430
00:19:23,934 --> 00:19:25,060
Sure.
431
00:19:25,135 --> 00:19:26,693
Say, "I bested you!"
432
00:19:26,770 --> 00:19:28,204
I bested you.
433
00:19:29,381 --> 00:19:31,420
- All right. Thanks for loving the Duke.
- Thank you. Thank you.
434
00:19:31,443 --> 00:19:33,664
That...
That was a lovely photo.
435
00:19:34,313 --> 00:19:35,473
Truce?
436
00:19:35,547 --> 00:19:36,708
Truce.
437
00:19:38,084 --> 00:19:39,176
You're kidding me.
438
00:19:39,252 --> 00:19:40,550
No. I'm not.
439
00:19:40,621 --> 00:19:41,986
You showed up at
the guy's house
440
00:19:42,056 --> 00:19:44,582
in the middle
of the night, drunk,
441
00:19:44,659 --> 00:19:45,921
and you didn't
even sleep with him?
442
00:19:45,994 --> 00:19:46,983
Should I have?
443
00:19:47,329 --> 00:19:48,388
It never hurts.
444
00:19:48,464 --> 00:19:49,488
God.
445
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:52,463
Hey.
446
00:19:52,536 --> 00:19:53,560
Hey.
447
00:19:53,637 --> 00:19:54,729
Hey!
448
00:19:56,006 --> 00:19:59,568
You left quite a bit
of stuff at my place last night.
449
00:19:59,644 --> 00:20:02,512
Purse, and earrings,
and a shoe.
450
00:20:02,748 --> 00:20:04,375
I am so sorry for
what happened last night.
451
00:20:04,450 --> 00:20:07,147
On my list of embarrassing things
that I've done in my life,
452
00:20:07,220 --> 00:20:09,917
that was numbers
one through seven.
453
00:20:10,658 --> 00:20:12,182
I totally understand
if you wanna cancel.
454
00:20:12,259 --> 00:20:13,283
It's okay.
455
00:20:13,361 --> 00:20:15,660
You can make it up to me
tonight on our second date.
456
00:20:16,631 --> 00:20:17,690
Second?
457
00:20:17,767 --> 00:20:19,257
Well, yeah.
Last night was our first date.
458
00:20:19,335 --> 00:20:21,030
So, that would make
tonight our second.
459
00:20:21,104 --> 00:20:23,471
I'm looking forward to it.
8:00?
460
00:20:24,675 --> 00:20:25,801
8:00.
461
00:20:26,611 --> 00:20:27,669
You like dancing?
462
00:20:27,746 --> 00:20:28,940
Yeah!
463
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,195
I don't... I'm a...
I don't like dancing.
464
00:20:30,216 --> 00:20:31,547
- Then we don't have to go.
- Okay.
465
00:20:32,084 --> 00:20:35,179
Well, we went on our first date,
and I didn't even know it.
466
00:20:35,255 --> 00:20:37,018
A.K.A., I nailed it.
467
00:20:37,758 --> 00:20:40,284
No fires, no ambulances,
468
00:20:40,361 --> 00:20:42,056
just good old-fashioned
showing up drunk
469
00:20:42,130 --> 00:20:44,258
at a guy's house late at night.
470
00:20:46,583 --> 00:20:48,778
However, I wanna be clear,
471
00:20:49,786 --> 00:20:52,349
I have no plans to resign.
472
00:20:52,924 --> 00:20:54,426
Is it weird that
my feelings are hurt
473
00:20:54,448 --> 00:20:56,713
that no one's found
any dirt on me yet?
474
00:20:58,263 --> 00:21:02,745
Hello! I drove a riding lawn
mower through a Nordstrom!
475
00:21:03,771 --> 00:21:07,134
There's video that I took!
It's on the Internet.
476
00:21:10,211 --> 00:21:11,491
Nothing.
477
00:21:12,181 --> 00:21:14,430
Jerry. Plastic surgery?
478
00:21:17,387 --> 00:21:19,480
I got hit by a fire engine.
479
00:21:20,558 --> 00:21:22,184
You are so lucky.
480
00:21:22,291 --> 00:21:23,451
How?
36839
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