All language subtitles for The.Wayans.Bros.S02E17_English

[instrumental music]

- Aah. An extra uniform.
- I'm getting a new trainee.

What you gonna train him to do?

Sit on his butt all day?

[chuckles]

No. He can
learn
that from you.

[chuckles]
No, this is part of an urban

outreach program
for people on probation.

Shoo, Dee. We got enough
criminals in this lobby.

You don't have
to recruit
anybody.

Now, come on, everybody
can make a mistake.

Hmm, this is probably
a fine individual

who just lost his way.

- Alright.
- Hello, cats and kittens.

Officer T.C.
reporting for duty.

Oh.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy
and we're singin' ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1)
'Alright, cut and print.
Beautiful, guys.'

'Dynamite. That is..'

♪ Girl what you got
goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something
that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill
with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something
that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got
going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something
that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill
with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something
that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something.. ♪♪

Hey, boys, come here,
you won't believe

who's in the diner.

- Customers?
- No, fool.

Somebody from
"The Ken And Kiki Show."

The van is parked right outside.

You're talking about
that stupid morning
show?

I think they've come
to put the diner on TV.

Now, what would they
want with you, pop?

Are you doing a story
on health code violation?

You know

I bet they're
scouting restaurants

for their dining out segment.

Pop.

Where they at?
I don't see no Ken and Kiki.

Don't you know
anything
about show business?

The stars don't
come out themself

they send their flunkies.

Don't just stand there,
come on, we gotta find out

who's the flunky
and kiss his butt.

Come on.

Excuse me, sir.

- Suits.
- Suits.

(both)
Yee-ta-dee.

- How can I help you, sir?
- Uh, yeah.

- Is this your diner?
- Yes, indeedy.

And you are our one millionth
satisfied customer.

Congratulations, you get
the complimentary massage.

[shouting]

Hey, Marlon,
Marlon, get the feet.

Hey, let me go!

All I wanted was more coffee.

Um, no problem.

Marlon, give this man
some coffee.

Excuse me,
I'm really in a rush

could I get some
of this chili to go?

Okay, hold on.
Can't you see I'm busy? Damn.

Can I at least get some water?

Fine.

There you go.

I just wanna get
this
back to the studio

Ken and Kiki
are crazy about
chili.

Ken and Kiki?
That's my favorite TV show.

Oh, thank you,
I'm the producer, Jason
Rudnick.

Really?
What brings you to
Pops?

- Our fine cuisine?
- No.

My van broke down.

But now that I've had some
of your chili

I was wondering
if you'd like to make some

on the cooking segment
of our show.

We'd love to.

That's always been
a dream of mine.

To make chili on TV?

No.
To be in showbiz.

Just think, to be known
and loved by millions

to have crazed fans stalk you

to have the tabloids
write lies about you

and then live
in fear that one day

it's all gonna be gone.

And I'll be a nobody again.

I tell you,
I love showbiz.

Hey, kid, you're funny.
Hey, can he come too?

- Aah.
- Pop, please.

Please, please.

That boy don't know
nothin' about
cookin'.

Pay you $500 for the team.

He's a quick
learner.
Where do we sign?

Yes, I'mma be a star!

Of course, you know,
we're gonna need a limousine

masseuse, bodyguards.

All we give our guests is
a complimentary fruit basket.

Free fruit.

We made it big time, pop!
Free fruit!

[instrumental music]

Alright, T.C.,
front and center.

(T.C.)
'Uh-uh.
This thing itches.'

Sound like a
case
for the free
clinic.

[chuckles]

Come on, T.C.,
I don't have all day.

[chuckles]
Hey, look,
it's Officer Urkel.

[snorts]

[imitating Urkel]
Did I do that?

This thing is tearin' me up.

What kind of
weird material is this?

- Cotton.
- No wonder.

My body is used to
fine polyester blends.

Well, too bad, it ain't used
to fine soap and water.

Fine, sure, come on,
let's get to work.

Here's your clipboard

your walkie-talkie,
your flashlight.

Uh, say.

When do I get my gun?

Negro, please.
You ain't getting no gun.

What if something goes down?

Here's your whistle

and your pepper spray.

Pepper spray?

What're you gonna
catch,
some fried chicken?

He gonna catch hell,
if he don't get to work.

Come on, T.C.,
it's time to make our rounds.

- We're taking the stairs.
- The stairs?

I knew I shouldn't have
worn these platforms.

Man, T.C. as a rent-a-cop.

That's like Nell Carter
guarding some donuts.

[chuckles]

(Marlon)
'Come on, Pops.
We got rehearsal, man. '

What are you talkin' about?
I'm just making some chili.

No, you don't understand.

This is major media exposure.

I mean, this could lead to
book deals, public appearances.

You could end up
with your own food line.

That's right, pop. You could
be
the Famous Amos of chili.

But without that nappy beard.

Oh, man.

- My face on a can of chili.
- Mm-hmm.

I can see me now.

Right on the shelf
between Uncle Ben

and that brother
from the Cream of Wheat box.

That's right. You'll be
known as Chef Homeboy R. D.

That's it. Great.
Okay, I'm the
director.

You show me what you
gonna do tomorrow.

What do I do?

You take one step
to your left.

Great!

Okay, we're gonna start
from the top.

In, five, four, three

two, action!

Howdy do?

I'm a ghetto gourmet.

Today we're cooking granny's
secret family recipe

for, for a lamb chili.

Now the secret to any good
chili is in the spices.

Oh-oh,
they may call it chili.

[giggling]

But it's really hot.
Ooh-ooh-oh.

[giggling]

Um, giggles,
we gotta hurry up, man.

- You only got three minutes.
- Three minutes?

Oh, I-I'm cooking chili
not makin' love.

Now, look, Pops,
when you do the show tomorrow

chili is already
gonna be cooked.

All you gotta do
is smile and sell
it.

That's right, pop, and that's
why I'm making my grand entrance

with a steamin' hot chili
from the stove.

This is where
the acting comes
in.

Excuse me.

[sniffles]

Mm-mm, mm-mm-m-m, mm.

Now, that's what I call chili.

And I ain't talking about
that
little Indian girl from TLC.

Mm.

Delicious.

Ah, it's hot.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[groaning]

[instrumental music]

Fool, have you lost
your natural mind?

Oh, now, now,
where's it written that a
guard

can't be secure and stylish?

How many alley cats
did you kill to make that?

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, baby.

This is a custom-order.

It's from the
"Shaft In Africa"
collection.

Stand back, those sequins
are messing up my picture.

- Are the boys on yet?
- Uh, they're comin' up next.

Oh, great, I
thought
I was goin' to miss
it.

Who knew macaroni
would make a comeback.

[chuckles]

Like a blast
from my childhood.

Your childhood.

Come on, Ken, don't you
mean your college years?

Ooh. Ouch.
Ouch. Ha ha.

Oh, that one hurt.

Two points for Kiki.
Ha ha ha.

Excuse me. May I say
something about my book?

Oh, I'm sorry.
We're out of time.

We will be right back
with our cooking segment.

- Right, Ken?
- Oh, you betcha.

Our producer found
a delightful, soulful chef

who builds himself
as the ghetto gourmet.

So let's get down
with our badselves.

Right on, Ken.

Stay tuned,
we'll be right
back.

- Okay, clear.
- Thank God.

Get this old hag
away from me.

I beg your pardon!

- I was talking about her.
- Me?

Make-up,
Ken needs more Poligrip!

Okay, uh, here's the kitchen,
uh, this is your camera

and you can see yourself
on this monitor.

Hey.

Oh, snap.

I didn't know
Denzel Washington was here.

Ha ha ha.
Oh, that's me.

Yay!

- Good luck.
- Hey, hey, hey, bro.

What happened to that
free food you promised us?

- What, you trying to stiff
me?
- No, no.

You get that
after the
show.

Don't make me come
looking for you.

Ooh-oh-oh.

This sure is a nice kitchen.

- Oh, we exquisite, pop.
- No..

I don't know, I'm starting
to get a little nervous.

What you got
to get nervous about?

I'm going to do
all the cookin'.

Yeah, Marlon,
snap out of
it.

There's gonna be
millions
of people watchin'.

And we don't need you
embarrassing the
family.

- Millions?
- That's right.

When that red light goes on

the whole nation is gonna
be
focused on you, pop.

So remember..

...the reputation
of the entire black
race..

...is ridin' on you.

- You the man.
- Thank God.

Thank God all the pressure's
on you, pop.

Oh, Lord.

- Time to start.
- Have fun.

Here we go.

In five seconds.

Four, three, two..

One!

- Hi, you're cooking with
Ken..
- And Kiki.

(both)
In our kitchen.

If you're feeling
a little soulful today

don't adjust your set.

'Cause we're in the kitchen

with the ghetto gourmet.

He's New York's own,
Mr. Pops Williams.

And his assistant, Marlon.

So, Pops, tell us, what are
you
cooking for us today?

Uh, uh,
uh.
Uh..

Is that ghetto talk
for something delicious?

Uh, uh, uh..

- Hey, what's he doing?
- Come on, Pops.

Do somethin', there's
millions
of people watching.

That must be what they call
getting down.

Go to commercial.
Go to commercial.

- We'll be right back!
- That's my line.

She'll be right back!

Is he gonna be okay?

- I think so.
- Thank God.

I don't think
our insurance covers this.

Come on, Pops,
snap of it, man.

We're coming back live, pop.
Pop.

Somebody here,
better make some
chili.

- You, pal. You're on.
- Me?

I don't know
how to make no
chili.

Okay, here we go.
We're back.

In five seconds.

Four, three, two..

One!

Oh.
Hi, how you doin'?

I'm the ghetto gourmet's

ghetto assistant, Marlon.

And this is my
ghetto assistant, Shawn.

'Shawn, say,
hi to the people.'

Hi, peoples.
Ooh, my bad.

I understand today you're gonna
be makin' some chili.

That's right-o-rooney, Ken.

But first, I'm gonna give
a smooth shout-out

to all my peeps on the block.

What up, y'all?

And to my sixth grade teacher,
Ms. Simmons

who said I'd never
amount to anything.

Kiss my as-paragus.

Can we get on
with the
recipe?

Oh.
Uh, sure.

Uh, first
my ghetto assistant Shawn

will chop the vegetables.

- Uh, listen..
- Ahem.

Hi, peoples.

Um, as we all know
the, uh

the secret to chopping is

uh, complete knowledge
of Bruce Lee videos.

Ah, oh, ah, oh, ah,
hyah, hyah.

You killed my pal, papa!

Oh, how masterful.

And such nice
large hands.

I bet, you know
how to peel an
onion.

Too bad, you don't have one.

Looks to me like Kiki's
cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

You know, men
always make the best
chefs.

My little boy Jody
just loves to play

with his easy-bake oven.

Sounds like little Jody
is gonna get his behind kicked

in nursery school today.

What do you expect
from a boy named Jody?

[chuckles]

So tell me after you
chop those vegetables

what's next?

Oh, well, what you wanna do
is throw it on the pot

with some beans.

And then you wanna
get yourself

a nice 40 ounce.

Ooh, malt liquor.

A secret
ingredient
for the chili?

No, cooking always
makes me thirsty.

- Want a swig?
- Oh, my, no.

Ooh, that's a first.

- What're you boys doing?
- Pops.

- Pop, you're back.
- Not a moment too soon.

You're about to ruin my chili.

Marlon, lower that heat.

- It's gonna stick to the
pot.
- Okay.

And what is this?

I don't use no cheap malt
liquor
in my chili.

I use champale.

Champale.

Everybody say with me.

(in unison)
Champale!

Come on, let's get this
chili
on the roll now.

Ow.
Oh, oh,
oh.

Well, tall, dark and deadly.

I did my rounds.

I checked all
the fire extinguishers

the batteries
in the smoke alarms

and the ladies' room.

You're not supposed
to check the ladies'
room.

I did that for extra credit.

Well, T.C.

you have been hardworking

diligent and responsible.

Well, how nice of you
to notice.

- What's your angle?
- Angle?

The new T.C.
is straight as an arrow.

Now, if you'll excuse me

I have some more
exits to check.

We don't want that
criminal element sneaking in.

[sniffles]

- I'm watching you, mister.
- Enjoy the view.

- Ah! Hee-hee hee.
- Whoo!

I'm telling you..

The TV stars have arrived.

Please, no autographs, groupie.

You guys were great.

Oh, no, we weren't.
We were brilliant.

They gave us
two whole segments.

'And the best part about it'

they want us back tomorrow.

Who knew that
I would be starting

a whole new career at my age.

And you know what, pop,
if we do well tomorrow

we could become regulars
and then

we could really
make that paper.

Damn, who knows.

Maybe my own show.

I mean our own show.

Hey, you guys,
don't worry about it

'cause we all
gonna be stars.

Boy, we're gonna have
girls writing us letters.

Throwin' off their clothes,
throwin' us their panty
drawers.

Oh, yeah.

Ah, excuse me.

Aren't you the ghetto gourmets

from "The Ken And Kiki Show?"

Yeah, that's us.

- This is the place, ladies!
- Oh!

They're here!

[all screaming]

[instrumental music]

Okay, pop.
I'm all
ready.

I got my make-up.
I got my wardrobe.

I got the lady in wardrobe

to take off her wardrobe.

All the important stuff.
By the way, what are we making?

Well, the only way to top
great grandmother's secret
chili

is with great
grandma's secret gumbo.

Oh.

Great grandma had
a lot of secrets, huh?

Yeah. Like, what happened
to great grandpa.

That's still a mystery.

- Okay, everything set?
- Yep.

For our comedy section,
we got okra

sausages and crab claws.

Need I say more?
Give me five, Jack.

And for the ladies,
once that pot starts boiling

I'm taking off my shirt

and I'm gonna pour hot
olive oil on my chest.

Then, I'm gonna put
on these.

Oh-oh.
That will sell gumbo.

And I got three different
ways to make my roux.

Well, that might
not be necessary.

Hi, hi, one and all.

- Hello, Shawn.
- Hey.

Pops, you are still here?

Howdy-do?

I thought you were going
to take care of this.

I'm trying.

Get him out
of the studio

before we're back on the air.
I don't wanna see him.

- Okay.
- What's going on?

Pops, it's like this.

You don't quite fit
our demographic.

Demographic?

I can cook Greek.

No, uh, we're trying
to attract

a younger audience.

What are you getting at?

Jason here
will fill you in.

Make-up.

So nice to have known you.

Mmm.

- Did they just fire us?
- No, no, not at all.

He just fired you.
I'll get you fruit.

- Have a good show, boys.
- I don't believe this.

Oh, man, we ain't doin'
this show without you,
pop.

- Yeah, they can peace out,
pop.
- No.

You boys go ahead.
It might be your big break.

You know, pop, this is
something you wanted too.

Don't worry about me.

I still got my diner.

Although business is bad..

...I still got my marriage.

[clearing throat]

Man, they can't get away
with this. Forget this.

Come on, Shawn,
let's peace out.

No, no, no, no.

I got a better idea.

Let's get even.

Here's what we gonna do.

Okay, here we go.

In five, four, three, two..

We're back.

- And you're cooking with
Ken..
- And Kiki.

(both)
In our kitchen.

This intercity dish
is sure to cause a riot.

It's gumbo.

And we're gonna learn
all about it

from our young
hip, ghetto gourmets.

Thanks, Ken.
Take us away, Marlon.

Well, thank you, Shawn.

Now, as we all know,
the key to a great gumbo

is fresh ingredients.

That's right, anything old
should be tossed out

with the trash.
Right, Ken?

Oh, uh, yeah,
fresh sounds good to me.

I bet it does.

'Cause from what Kiki tells us

your girlfriend works
at Hot Dog on a Stick, is
it?

You little freak, I
bet she
deep fry your corn
dog.

Hey, uh..

...Tiffany is
a manager trainee.

And she's just
a good friend anyway.

But back to the gumbo.

Well, if any of our
loyal fans out there

wondering what happened to Pops.

Well, apparently he's just
too damn old for the show.

Ain't that right, Kiki?

[chuckles
]
Right.

One old man on the show
is enough.

Ouch.
That's one for you, Kiki.

[chuckles]

Well, Kiki, you don't ever
have
to worry about looking old.

- Oh, thank you, Shawn.
- That's right.

'Cause from what
Kenny tells us,
uh

you had so many
facelifts,
your neck has nipples.

Those are moles.

Can we get on
with the
cooking?

[gasps]
What have we here?

Oh, it's called crabs.

And from what
Kiki tells us, Ken

you know a couple of
these
little creatures
personally.

[chuckling]

Well, uh, at least,
I don't have a little

bed-wetting,
thumb-suckering therapy.

- Oh.
- Oh, snap, lady.

You can't let him talk
about your son like that.

Don't talk about
little Jody like
that.

- I meant your husband.
- O-o-h.

Well, at least we're
both
adults not like your
little..

- Hot dog hoochie.
- Thank you. Hot dog hoochie.

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe I should
tell the real reason

why the Miss America judges
voted you

most photogenic.

You can't prove a thing.

I got the video tapes, baby.

He's got false
teeth
and hair plugs.

Well, at least,
it's my own hair.

- Ah!
- Aah!

You're dead man.

- Oh, you said it.
- I'm gonna kill you.

- Fine.
- Fine.

[chuckling]

Well, Marlon

I tell you,
we started out to cook gumbo

but ended up
frying two hams.

[chuckling]

That's a good one,
Shawn.
One for you.

Whoa, that hurt.

But we'll be right
back
with more live with.

- Shawn..
- And Marlon.

- Inour
- Inour

[beep]

[hip hop music]

Have a mighty fine day.

Now, you boys sure blew the
lid
off of Ken and Kiki.

I can't believe
you gave up all that fame

and glamour just for me.

Hey, well, it wouldn't have
been worth it without you,
pop.

Yeah, 'cause we have no
idea
how to make your gumbo.

Well, Dee.

I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to quit.

Why?
You're doing so well.

Well, I have a strict policy

never to get involved with
the women that I work with.

[kisses]

You call me, sweet thing.

[sniffles]

(in unison)
Ooh.

- Oh, no, he didn't, girl.
- Oh, no, he didn't, girl.

There won't ever be
anything between us.

[chuckling]

Hey, yo, man,
this dude must
think

this place is a
library
or something.

Well, tell him to buy
somethin'
or peace out.

It's exactly
what I'm gonna
do.

You watch a real G at work.

Get your strong on, boy.

Yeah.

Hey, yo, punk!

- You talking to me?
- No, her.

Hey, old grandma,
you buy something

or you peace out.

Ah!

(Shawn)
Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.