All language subtitles for At.Home.With.Amy.Sedaris.S01E10_English

Hello.

I just brewed coffee

because it's going to be
a long night.

Something unspeakable
has happened here.

I don't have a lot of answers.

What I do have is a corpse.

Was it murder?

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Or was it homicide?

Are those two things the same?

"Murder-cide," tonight,
on a very special

"At Home with Amy Sedaris."

[ Thunder crashes ]

**

**

[ Sirens wailing ]

[ Thunder crashes ]

That sound you hear
in the distance are sirens

announcing the arrival
of the homicide squad.

They'll do
their usual routine --

pull out small notebooks,

draw lines with big chalk.

They'll try to I.D.
the unfortunate corpse

lying at the foot of my stairs,

and then they'll
ask me questions

and I'll have to tell my story.

It all started about
22 minutes ago.

[ Chuckles ] It was just another
groundbreaking episode

of my soon-to-be-award-winning
show -- or so I thought.

The theme was Spanish fiesta.

I was having the book club over

for book talk
and festive paella.

[ Chuckles ]

**

The key to a good paella
is to get all your ingredients

together
and then just leave it alone.

In fact, I suggest
you neglect it.

Don't even look at it.

[ Inhales sharply ]
I added a pinch of saffron

into my mix of bomba rice,

chicken stock,
and various meats and seafood,

because it gives it
a little color.

When I was younger --
[ Pounding on door ]

[ Chuckles ] That's odd.

My guests aren't set
to arrive here

for another eight minutes.

[ Doorbell rings ]

[ Chuckles ] That's even odder.

I don't have a doorbell.

What's going on?

**

[ Pounding on door ]

[ Thunder crashes ]

Sorry to bother you.

My car broke down
just up the road a piece.

I noticed your lights on,
and I was wondering

if I might use
your landline.

Oh.

Um...

sure, okay.
Come on in.

Oh.

Goodness.

Well, do you need help
with your bag?

Nah, she'll be fine
right here.

[ Sighs ]
My name is
Julien Penderel.

I apologize for dripping
on your floor.

Oh, that's all right.
It'll dry.

Normally, I'd have that mopped
up by my housekeeper Agnes,

but I gave her
the night off.

Without Agnes here,
it's just me, all alone.

But the telephone is right
over there, past the fire iron,

next to the heavy,
blunt object.

Thank you.

[ Sighs ]

There's no signal.

How do you know that?

The voice on
the other end told me.

That's strange.

Don't you mean odd?

The storm must have
knocked down the line.

Well, that must be it,

because I didn't cut them.

Oh, well, that's good to know.
[ Chuckles ]

Well, you can wait
the storm out here.

I've got the book club
coming over for paella.

You could join us.

By the time the paella's served,
the lines might be back up.

And that is one of the
many benefits of paella --

it accommodates
an expanding guest list,

unlike chicken cutlets.

You buy eight, they feed eight.

They have no wiggle room.

Is there a more rigid food
than chicken cutlets?

Loosen up.

What do you say?

That's very kind,

but I don't
want to be any trouble.

It's no trouble.

It's not like
I'm serving chicken cutlets.

Well, then
I'd be honored.

Oh, great.

Well, then why don't you relax
while I take a bath?

Oh, wait a minute.
How rude.

You take a bath,
and I'll relax.

What am I talking about?

I've got the book club
coming over.

I got to make paella.

Can I get you anything?

An incinerator.

Oh.

I don't think I have
one of those.

I'll make do
with a Scotch.

Oh, well, the bar
is right over there.

Help yourself.

Just use the Scotch
from the well.

I understand.

Okay.

**

**

Well... [ Chuckles ]

Once you have all your
ingredients for the paella

together in the pan,

allow it to simmer
for 20 minutes,

stirring occasionally.

I like to add my mussels last.

Now, here's a good tip.

Always cook mussels alive.

And how will you know
the mussels are alive?

Because when you cook them,
the shell pops open.

If it doesn't,
the mussel is dead,

as if some mysterious stranger
showed up at its door

on a rainy night
and murdered it.

Hmm...

why does that sound so familiar?

[ Chuckles ]
You know what?

I could stand here and try
to figure it out,

or I could run over
to the craft room

where I don't have
to do any thinking.

**

Oh, hello.

I was just adjusting
the top hat on this skull.

In the past, there were
only two reasons to craft.

One was necessity where
the crafter produced things

such as baskets and pottery.

The second was
artistic expression,

which produced more baskets
and even more pottery.

Today, there is a much more
leisurely attitude

towards crafting,

and virtually anyone
without a job

and access to wine corks
can do it.

This is Crafting Corner.

* Beads and things
and glitter and string *

* Glue and sew and buttons
and bows *

We're in the craft room
today to make party favors.

We'll be making castanets,

a perfect complement
to any paella party.

The instructions
are super simple.

First, drink a six-pack of beer.

Mmm, ahh.

'Cause you're gonna need
the bottle caps.

[ Glass shatters ]

Next, what you're gonna do

is you're gonna punch two holes

through the center
of each bottle cap.

You can use a drill or a hammer
and nail to accomplish this.

I'm gonna use this ice pick.

[ Dramatic music plays,
thunder crashes ]

Now while I puncture
the rest of these caps,

Michael Stipe will recite
the poem about castanets.

Michael!

You can cast your vote
or plaster cast,

be cast adrift
in the ocean vast,

cast the first stone
if without defect,

as for me, I'll castanet.

Bottle caps
I click in rhythm,

my favorite band,
I play along with 'em.

from bottles of beer drunk
without regrets,

come my musical cap,
castanets.

So when I feel
the urge to clack,

off to the liquor store
for another six-pack.

My sponsor need
not ought to fret,

can't hear what he's saying,
only castanets.

**

[ Applause ]

Thank you, Michael.
That was very moving.

Now that the caps have holes,
what you gonna do

is you're gonna take
a pipe cleaner

and you're gonna fish it
through the holes

in the top of the caps like so.

You can get a close-up
on this, Smokey.

You see that?
In and out.

Easy, breezy.

You're gonna twist it off at the
bottom, cut off the remains --

don't throw these out, you can
use them for something.

Okay, clean out your pipe.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay?

And then you're gonna
place it on your fingers.

Put it on the other nail
like so.

Look at that.

What are these, people?

There you have it -- castanets.

That's so much fun.

That's strange.

**

Where did my ice pick go?

[ Man screams ]

What was that?!

[ Man screams ]

A scream!

**

Oh, my God!

We'll be right back
after this commercial.

**

If you love
a good whodunit

and a great who-baked-it,

then you'll adore
"Murder, She Cooked."

10 strangers are beckoned to an
island castle for a late
brunch.

Their mysterious
and strange host

surprises all
when he dishes up murder

and then Cornish hen.

A torrid tale of foul play
and plated fowl.

"Murder, She Cooked,"
by the authors

of "And Then There Was Flan,"
"Dial M for Meatballs,"

"Coleslaughterhouse Five,"
"Death by Dumpling,"

"In Cold Butter,"
"Gekillte Fish,"

"The Hangman's Noodle,"

"Dinner at Seven,
Mutil at Ate."

"Murder, She Cooked."

Bon appéterror.

Announcer:
Previously on "Murder-cide,"

a very special,
"At Home with Amy Sedaris"...

[ Trills tongue ]

There you have it -- castanets.

[ Man screams ]

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

**

I hope you don't mind.

My trousers were damp
from the storm,

so I hung them from
the chandelier to dry.

But the shoes
are still attached.

To weigh the pants down
to avoid wrinkles.

Oh, I'll have to add
that to my tip board.

But what was that
terrifying scream I heard?

In an attempt to hasten
the drying process,

I was blowing on my clothes

and the sound came out.

Well, you just have an answer
for everything, don't you?

[ Thunder crashes ]

I must confess,

I feel guilty
just sitting here

while you're preparing
for a party.

Can I help?

Do you need something tossed
or...

hanged
or chopped?

But you're only
wearing underpants.

I often remove
my outer layer of clothing

when I do my chores.

Found this ice pick.

Is it yours?

[ Doorbell rings ]

[ Thunder crashes ]

That's odd.

My knocker must be broken.

Are you sure you want
to get it?

I got it
when you knocked.

[ Knocking on door ]

Book club here.
Ring-a-ding.

We're always on time.

Where is she?

It's raining -- oh.

Please, come in.

[ Thunder crashes ]

Oh, well, who are you?

Are you the newest member
of the book club,

an award-winning author?

I used to write poetry
mostly,

but my car broke down
on the side of the road,

and the lady of the house
was nice enough

to let me take shelter.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Speaking of which, where is
the hostess with the halitosis?

[ Laughter ]

I've said too much.

I've said too much.
[ Laughs ]

Where is she?
What have you done with her?

She asked me
to answer the door

while she went
to the wood shed

to get more logs
for the fire.

More logs for the fire?

Hmm.

Well, that's odd.

Now why would she run out
to gather logs for the fireplace

when the fireplace
is fake?

So was the wood
she was going to get.

Huh.

Now, I don't believe
I caught your name.

Julien Penderel.

Patty Hogg
from Quarrel & Hogg Seeds.

So, she ran out
in this horrible storm

during her hit show.

I just can't put
the pieces together.

Hmm.

Julien,
my name's Anthony.

It's a pleasure
to meet you.

The pleasure is mine,
Julien.

I like you.

You seem like a real
straight shooter to me.

But Vincent does not care
for you.

Me, I have absolutely no reason
to not believe your story.

[ Whispers ]
But Vincent is skeptical.

[ Normal voice ] Why don't you
convince Vincent.

I'm telling the truth.

Vincent...

I'm telling the truth,
Vincent.

His concern is
temporarily assuaged,

but you should know Vincent
does not like to be lied to.

When he's lied to,
he gets angry,

and when he gets angry,
he gets real stabby.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa,
we should all calm down.

I don't think we need
to resort to any stabbing.

No, no, put him away.

Hm? Yeah, why don't we just
sit here and wait this out, hmm?

We'll know soon enough whether
or not Amy's been murdered,

so in the meantime,
let's just relax, yeah?

Oh, you know
what would help?

A nice bottle of wine.

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Horror movie-style music
plays ]

Did someone say wine?

Oh, thank God,
Regional Wine Lady.

What pairs well
with murder?

Patty: You didn't happen to see
the lady of the house out there

wandering around
in the rain, did you?

Patty, I didn't see a thing,
but I did bring you this --

a killer Chianti.

It's a complex, mysterious red
with suspicious undertones.

Hmm, why does that description
sound familiar?

I could stand here
and try to figure it out,

or I could start drinking
to stop thinking.

Here you go!

Well, I got to go.

I'm First Mate
on a booze cruise.

You can't go sailing
in this weather.

It's rough seas.

Well, it's more booze
than cruise.

* It's Friday Night

* I'm gonna get drunk

* I'm gonna get laid

* I'm gonna be late

* On Monday

Ship ahoy!

Well, I'm starting
to get worried.

I think someone should go
out there and look for Amy.

I mean, she could be lying
face down in a muddy grave.

Has anyone seen
a corkscrew?

This just doesn't
make any sense!

It doesn't add up!

What could've happened
to her?

All sorts of things.

She could've been
strangled with rope,

struck in the head
with a lead pipe,

shot by a revolver,

or beaten to death
with a board game.

Oh, the thought
of something happening

to that poor, old woman
makes me sick to my stomach.

**

Seriously, has anyone
seen a corkscrew?

Give me the bottle.

I learned this in rehab,
and in there, believe me,

a corkscrew is hard
to come by,

right up there with box cutter
and parental love.

Amy: "Quick Tips" -- Opening
Wine Without a Corkscrew.

What you want to do is take
the wrapper off the bottle,

put the bottle in a shoe,

then smack it
against the wall

just a few times
to get it started.

The rest of the way
by your hand.
[ Gasps ] Oh!

[ Laughs ]
There you have it.

A wine bottle uncorked
without a corkscrew.

Chassie: Oh, do another.

Do another one.
[ Laughs ]

[ Thunder crashes ]

D-D-Don't spill the wine.

Patty:
Something touched my leg!

It touched my leg!

I've got my knives out!

Stay away!

[ Grunting ]
I see a shadow!

I can't see
a damn thing.

Vincent, stay alert.

**

Where's Patty?

Patty?

Patty?

And then there were three.

[ Thunder crashes ]

**

I strongly suspect

that someone in this room

is a murderer.

[ Thunder crashes ]

What do you mean
"someone"?

With the exception of you,
we've all spent time together,

and we've never killed
each other once.

And I've had plenty
of motivation.

Well,
if that's the way you feel,

perhaps I should leave.

I think it would make Vincent
very happy

if we all stayed here

until this little mystery
was solved.

Well, I wouldn't want
to make Vincent unhappy.

[ Door blows open ]

[ Thunder crashes ]

Amy!

Where have you been?

Well, I realized when I went
to answer the door

that I never finished
the end of the book,

so I went to the shed
to finish the book.

[ Sighs ]

Well, that strange man
was being --

That strange man
is gone!

[ Telephone rings ]

Oh!
The lines are back up!

**

Hello?

**

The call is coming
from inside the house!

Oh!

**

We have to get out of here!
The call's coming from
inside of the house!

Oh!
Get ahold of yourself!

[ Gasps ]
I'm fine.

Vincent's a little upset.

Hello?
Who is this?

It's Patty Hogg.
I'm upstairs!

I got confused when
the lights went out.

Well, why don't you
just come down?

I'm still confused.

Follow the sound
of our voices.

[ Line clicks ]

The lights are back on.

The lights are coming
from inside the house!

Get ahold of yourself!

Everybody just calm down.

This is a book club,
and we need to act like adults

and do what adults do.

We need to get out our books
and eat paella.

Now, Chassie, give me a hand
in the kitchen.

[ Groans ]

**

Okay.

Well, let me tell ya, this
paella looks absolutely perfect.

Look at that.

Now, what I like to do
is top it off

with a little fresh
lemon juice, like so.

Chassie, would you please grab
some bowls from the cabinet.

Look at that.

Oh!

It's like sweating
lemon, like so.

Very nice.
Okay.

Chassie, could you grab me
some silverware, please?

Now, I'll tell you
something about paella

that a lot of people don't
know, and that is...

[ Clattering ]

...very traditional

to the Spaniards.

And a lot of people in tapas
restaurants like to order it

because you share it, okay?

And do you know what would make
this paella more festive?

A bull fighter.

Tissue flowers.

So why don't you start folding
some tissue flowers.

Oh, I can't.

I'm allergic.

It's tissue.
It's not real.

I said I'm allergic
to flowers --

not the way they smell,
the way they are.

[ Scoffs ]
That's ridiculous.

Is it?

Okay, well, when I was
a little girl,

I had an uncle
I was very fond of,

Uncle Pork Chop,

and he would spend a lot of time
down at the race tracks.

And one day, he went
onto the field

to congratulate the winner,

Crystal Shins and her rider.

And he, um, bumped
the flower arrangement --

you know, those big horseshoes
with all the flowers --

and that upset a bee that
was nesting in the carnations.

In turn,
that startled the horse.

[ Voice breaking ]
And Uncle Pork Chop
got tangled up in the bridle...

Oh.
[ Sobs ]

...and dragged him
to his death.

[ Normal voice ] So, yeah,
I'm sorry it's ridiculous

that I'm upset
by the sight of flowers.

Well, I'm sorry,
I had no idea.

I need a drink.

Well, you certainly have
earned it, haven't you?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Paella.

**

[ Trills tongue ]

Ay-yi-yi!

[ Laughs ]
Oh, this is fun!

How about these castanets.

-Easy, right?
-Right.

Boy, that stranger disappeared
into the night awfully quickly,

didn't he?
Yeah.

Did anyone else
find him very attractive

in like a "your mom's
boyfriend" kind of way?

Hmm, it's interesting.

Let me think about that.

Mm, I put saffron
in the paella.

Ooh!
Saffron a high-priced spice.

We're eating stigmas.

Did you know that it's part of
the flower's female sex organs?

I've said too much,
I've said too much.

It's the wine talking.
[ Laughs ]

That's naughty.

Well, let's talk about
"Murder, She Cooked."

I'd love to get
your thoughts.

Chassie?

Oh, well, starting off
right here...

Oh, I didn't read it.

Chassie...

I'm so disappointed
in you.

Oh, I don't care.
Anthony?

I did not read the book.

[ Scoffs ]

Isn't this club called
"The Book Worms"?

[ Laughs ]

I thought the fifth
character was the oven.

I like
that it had two racks --

I didn't read the book,
either.

Okay, guys, this is the last
book club meeting ev--

[ Thumping ]

Don't you hear that noise
coming from the craft room?

**

What is happening?

[ Grunts ]

I just discovered this body
in your floorboards.

Oh, my God.
Helen?

[ Crying ] Oh, my God...

It's my wife.

Helen!

[ Sobbing ]

What did you do to her?

Why's your duffel bag
empty?

[ Normal voice ] What?!

Sweet Jesus, I've been robbed!

First Helen, and now
the contents of my bag!

What was in there?

I just told you,
God damn it!

Contents!

Got to go!

I'm calling the police.

**

**

Ah! I'm not mixing anything.

It was just so we could
transition back to the present.

The police just got here.

I'm gonna go see how
the investigation is going.

Quick tip -- never show up to
an investigation empty-handed.

**

Sandwiches?

Sure.
Thanks a lot.

Sure.

Well, what'd you find out,
Detective?

Just that there's a dead body
on your floor.

Yeah.

I hope the body-outline tape
doesn't leave a sticky residue.

You know, for
a potential murderess,

you make a damn
good sandwich.

Guilty as charged.

Paella sandwiches.

Watch out
for the mussel shells.
Will do.

Can I show you something,
Detective?

Sure.

I thought this might help.

I made a miniature set
of the actual crime scene.

Now, why would I need that
when I got a full-sized

actual crime scene
right here?

Well, I just thought maybe
you wanted to take this home

and study it
on your own time.

I don't think so.

All right, well,
you're the detective.

I am.

Hey, wait a minute.

While you were here
and all this was happening,

did you notice
anything unusual?

Unusual?
Mm-hmm.

Not really.

Wait a minute...

There was this guy that came
to my door, a stranger,

and he had
a big duffel bag, you know,

about the size
of a lady named Helen.

I didn't think anything of it
at the time, right?

So, we're all sitting around
my dining room table

eating paella,
talking about the book,

and that same guy
was in this room

shoving that body
into my floorboards.

[ Laughs ]
Hey, wait a minute.

You don't think he had something
to do with it, do ya?

Could be, lady.

Could be.
Huh.

**

**

This is the part of the show
where I record

my hits and misses.

Hits -- the blunt force
that caved Helen's skull in.

Paella.

Misses -- book clubs,
no backup generator,

strangers with duffel bags.

The good news is
I feel safe now.

[ Thunder crashes ]

**

Good night.