All language subtitles for At.Home.With.Amy.Sedaris.S01E09_English

Hello.

We've made lots of great
things on this show --

tissue paper ghosts,

seashell centerpieces,

toilet-paper-roll pirates,
just to name a few.

But tonight, we will attempt
the most difficult craft --

"Making Love" --
on a very special

"At Home with Amy Sedaris."

[ Saxophone music plays ]

Keepin' it slow.

**

**

Crafting, or making things,

has always been
a delightful pastime of mine.

Sometimes, alone in my workroom
holding a pinecone

and a handful of googly eyes,

I find myself lost
in the evening.

But of all the crafts
I've come to enjoy,

lovemaking is very near
to the top of the list.

Although anyone can engage
in the craft of lovemaking,

it is maybe the most
difficult to master,

right behind wooden-spoon lions
and macrame pinch pots.

Make no bones about it.

The craft of lovemaking
is a messy business.

Careful consideration,
preparation, and execution

are a must for a fulfilling
forni-crafting experience.

As with any crafting project,

before you warm up
your glue gun,

it's important to understand
the tools you need

and how they operate.

The vagina -- there is
so much dis-information

out there related
to the vagina --

It swallows its prey whole,

it secretes a deadly
neurotoxin when confronted,

and it has a PSI bite force

equal to that of
a snapping turtle.

That's ridiculous.

The average vagina has
a closing impact of no more

than 30 pounds
per square inch --

far less than a snapping turtle.

But let's take a closer look
at this magical organ, shall we?

Okay.
Here we go.

The exterior of the vagina
consists of outer lips,

or labia, and is topped off
by the mons pubis,

or decorative fat pad.

Okay?

So, let's take a closer
look inside.

What we want to do is pin back
the labia like so.

Quick tip -- It's a good idea
to train your labia

to stay open by itself

so you can avoid
pins altogether.

Okay. So, once
behind the curtain,

we find another set of lips,

or inner lips.

Let's just stick those back.

[ Pin thumps ]

Okay.

And now we have a full view
of the entrance to the vagina.

But I want to direct
your attention

to what's happening up here
in the northern region.

Right here under the hood,
we find an often overlooked

but intrical part of
[integral]

the vagina called the clitoris.

Now, this might surprise you,
but before the mid-1980s,

we didn't even know
the clitoris existed.

Until that time, it was
considered by most gynecologists

to be a third tonsil.

Now, here, right here,
you see these colorful balls.

These are unpleasant secretions
that collect around the glands.

You want to clean this off
with some warm water right here.

Now, our body secretions'
smells and tastes

are an unfortunate
part of our bodies.

Wash, and you will find that
you can smell and taste good.

Now that we understand
the mechanics of the vagina,

let's find out how it works.

I invited my neighbor and friend
of the show, Patty Hogg,

to discuss her approach
to lovemaking.

Patti, get on out here!

Oh. Hey, Mary Lou!

I brought you a bowl
of my fiddlehead fern

straight out of
my garden of the month.

It's just an emerged fern.
Look at that.

Look at that
beautiful green.

Mmm! Can't get enough
of fiddleheads.

I want you to know
that as of today,

I have lost
eight pounds on my diet.

Looking good. Look at me
in horizontal stripes.

Have I ever looked
better than this?

We cannot wait to hear
about your sex life.

Sex life? Well, I hope
you like short stories.

I thought we were gonna talk
about seedlings and saplings.

[ Chuckles ] No. This is our
"Making Love" episode,

and I would love for you
to share your experiences.

Oh, my land. Okay, well,
I'll take a stab at it.

Let me take you through
out lovemaking process.

It is as follows.

Third Tuesday every month,
lights out, door closed.

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

One foot on the floor,
Charlie Rich on the phonograph,

the Silver Fox himself.

Gets Leslie in the mood.

It's all about the release
of the pheromones.

The pheromones --
a cordial hello,

brief above-the-waist
petting counter-clockwise.

And then he throws me
over a Chippendale chair

and plants his bulb.
[ Chuckles ]

Sometimes, afterwards
we'll indulge in strawberries.

Which, as a fun fact --
Did you know it's the only fruit

with the seeds
on the outside?

I've said too much.
I've said too much!

Sauté those ferns.

[ Laughs ]
Thank you, Patty Hogg.

I appreciate that.

Patty Hogg, everybody.

Well, that was less
informative than I'd hoped.

Luckily, there is a place
we can turn to

for all our
lovemaking questions.

I'll let my new sponsor
tell you all about it.

"Barebacking -- engaging in
sexual intercourse

without the use
of a prophylactic."

Oh, hello.

I was just reading from
the Encyclopedic Dictionary

of Sexual Terms, Volume I.

And that is just the first title
in this 75-book collection

of "Densley's Compendium
of Encyclopedic Knowledge

of Human Sexuality."

In this vast number of pages
set between two stylish covers,

you'll find a treasury
of information

that will answer
any of the questions

you can remember to ask about
sex such as "What does this do,"

"Where are you putting that,"
and, "Why is that there?

It wasn't there yesterday."

This attractive set
contains it all --

a medical dictionary
containing illustrations,

transparencies, and
easy-to-follow diagrams --

a sexual thesaurus which
includes 792 alternate terms

just for the penis,
including tallywacker,

lickstick, meat pipe, rod,
poking rod, Rod Sterling.

Is this collection heavy?

[ Chuckles ] You bet you.

Do they take up a lot of room?
Absolutely.

But we here at Densley's believe
that that's a small price to pay

for having this incredible
amount of sex facts

and figures at your fingertips.

If we were selling
this set by the pound,

it would cost
thousands of dollars.

But we, for a limited time
only, are offering you

this magnificent set
of human sexuality books

for the low, low price
of six payments of $12.99.

We know you will treasure
these deluxe-bound,

imitation-gold-leaf,
embossed-leather books.

But don't take our word for it.

Examine these books for 14 days.

If not completely satisfied,
just lug them back

to the post office,
return them to us,

and we will refund your money
as soon as we get around to it.

Don't make love without
this full collection

at your fingertips.

Call today.

Professional operators
are standing by.

Calls may be recorded
for training

and masterbatory purposes.

Why am I in the kitchen
during a show about lovemaking?

Simple -- aphrodisiacs.

Otherwise known as foods
that enhance sexual desire.

The avocado, rich in vitamin E,
helps your body produce hormones

which in turn stimulate

clitoral swelling
and vaginal lubrication.

Why do you think
Mexican restaurants

are so popular with teenagers?

A bit later, we'll have my old
friend Chassie Tucker out here

to help me prepare a few dishes

that are certain
to engage the libido.

But first, I'm gonna
introduce you to the oyster --

the number-one go-to food
for igniting the sex drive.

Now, I'm not sure how they work.

I believe you simply rub them
on your genitals like so.

-Knock, knock, knock.
-Oh!

Please welcome former
pasty chef and current friend,

Chassie Tucker.

So, Chassie,
who's your friend?

This is Ms. Stern.

She heads up Human Resources
at the network.

She's required to accompany me
any time I'm in your presence.

Oh.
Why's that?

I'm suing you for
sexual harassment.

[ Whispers ]
I'm so sorry.

[ Gasps ] What are you
talking about?

Hey! Watch the hands.
Do not touch her.

I -- I've never
touched you.

It's not so much all
the inappropriate touching.

It's the inappropriate
things you say.

Like what?

Well, you told me to...

It's okay.

...beat it
till it froths.

We were making
lemon meringue pie,

and I was asking her
to whip the egg whites.

Mm-hmm. Did you also ask her
to "French your bean"?

This is a cooking show!

You should be ashamed
of yourself.

This is an insult to anyone

who's ever been
sexually harassed at work.

Ma'am I need you
to soften your tone.

Okay, here we go.

I'd like to just finish
the segment, please.

Oh, sure.
What are we making?

We aren't making
anything, okay,

because you're on my list.

List?

She knows what list
I'm talking about.

Look, don't be
mad at me, okay?

I need the money.

High-waisted rabbit-fur coats
don't grow on trees.

I know. They grow on rabbits,
and I have one, Chassie.

Okay. Well, don't look
at me like that.

It's not like they have to hurt
the rabbit to make the coat.

They just sort of take what
falls off, like a down jacket.

Oh, is that how it works?
Yeah.

No, they actually
have to skin a rabbit --

a lot of rabbits.

Okay. Well,
that's really unfortunate.

But it's a great jacket.
Come on.

Okay. We're gonna be discussing
foods that are aphrodisiacs.

And I have the perfect salad
sure to kick-start

a night of lovemaking.

First, we start
with pineapple rings,

known to contain lycopene,

which stimulates blood vessels
in the sex organs.

You are really
pushing it.

Okay, Chassie.
Why don't you help me?

I think that's
a terrific idea.

I want you to line this plate
with some greens.

Okay. It's
a presentational show,

so make it
nice and lovely.

Okay. And what
you're gonna do next

is you're gonna put a stack
of pineapple rings

on the plate.

Where's the fork?

Just stick your finger
in the hole.

Ugh!

Okay, put them
right in the center. Nice.

Next, you're gonna
peel a banana,

which contains bromelain,

which triggers
testosterone production.

Okay. And you're just gonna
insert it in the hole.

It really is
a quick salad.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Very nice. All right.
Next, you're going to add

on the tip
some whipped cream,

but you can always use
mayonnaise, as well.

Okay. A lot of people
in the South

use mayonnaise
as a dressing.

Next, we're gonna
drizzle the honey

all over
the whipped cream.

Beautiful.

Honey contains boron,
which helps regulate estrogen.

Okay. Now you're gonna
top it with a cherry,

known as the superfruit.

I like the cherries
with the stem on top.

And there you have it --
Sticky Banana Envy.

Ugh!
You should be in jail.

Chassie and the head
of Human Resources, everybody.

When we return I'll dig
deep into the "Mail Sack."

Ugh!

This is "Mail Sack."

* Mail, mail, mail, mail, mail

* Sack

This is the part of the show

where I dig deep into
the "Mail Sack."

And tonight, it's a special
sack segment

where I answer your questions
related to sexuality.

Let's find out what
you're thinking about.

Ooh, look at all the letters
we got this month.

They're just piling up.

This is from Lisa in Boston.

Very nice stationary, Lisa.

I'm impressed.
Okay.

"Dear Amy, my husband likes me
to perform oral sex on him."

Hmm. "But recently, I got
my wisdom teeth removed

and now I'm afraid
about dry socket.

From, Lisa in Boston."

Oh, my goodness.

Terrific question, Lisa.

I had a very similar situation
when I lost a molar

to a caramel apple.

My advice is, before tending
to your husband,

stuff the socket
with a moist tea bag

which will keep the hole
from drying out.

And the tannins from the tea
will help with the swelling.

On the downside, the tea bag
will greatly reduce

the real estate in your mouth.

And then, there's the issue
of the tea stains.

Be warned -- Never use
this tea-bag technique

while teabagging.

More than one bag in your mouth
can lead to confusion,

and confusion leads to choking.

I hope this helps, Lisa.

Okay.

This next letter is from
Marguerite in Gurney.

She writes --

Oh, she's got
a little turtle on here.

"Dear Amy, on a bus heading
to my first four-way.

I have what I consider
to be a traditional

grooming in my genital region,

but what has been referred to
by more than one lover as

'the thatched roof
on an English cottage.'

For my money, there is
nothing more embarrassing

than walking into
a cheap motel room

to meet three nude strangers

and having
an out-of-date bush.

Help!
I'm two counties away.

Sincerely, Marguerite
from Gurney."

Terrific question, Marguerite.

It's difficult for even
the most fashion-conscious

to keep up with
the current pubic trends.

But luckily for you, Marguerite,
I've invited our local barber

from Moorehead Snips and Clips.

And he's compiled
the most popular styles

for genital grooming,
which will be modeled by

members of the Research Triangle
Rotary Club and their wives.

Take it away, Pete!

Thank you, Amy.

Well, first, we have Sam
modeling The Dust Bowl.

We just cut into
a circular plot.

It's seemingly unkept,
but it's purposely scruffy.

A big hit with the youth.

Thank you, Sam.
Beautiful.

Next up is Leonard
in The Toreador,

a short crop in the center
with bulbous protuberances

of oval thickets
on each side

resembling pelt-like ears.

Always handsome.

And finally, Charlie modeling
The Gopher's Nest.

-Ooh.
-Tightly coiled,

spiral-tight curls tapered up,
collecting in a tidy mound.

A small margin is cut
around the rodent hole

leaving ample clearance
of the gopher

to pop his head out.

-Nice.
-And now for the ladies.

-Ooh!
-Come on out, Helen.

Now, this cut is a variation
on the popular Sizzle Strip

known as The Dictator --

a horizontal and
slightly bushier version

of the classic cut.

It's a look that says,
"Disappoint me,

and I'll have you
thrown in the Gulag.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, heavens.

Up next, Cloris.

Now, this one is
a crowd-pleaser --

The Boll Weevil,

which is a simple wooly
middle-patch accented

by multiple flyaway tentacles.

A real party starter.

Yeah, I've seen that
at my local gym.

-[ Chuckles ]
-Yeah.

And lastly, we have Nancy.

-Ooh!
-And for those of you

who appreciate tradition,

The Old Granddad --

bristly in the center

and book-ended
by wispy flourishes.

Unbelievable!
Excellent job, Pete.

Thank you so much.

-Thank you, Amy.
-Always good to see ya.

I'll be in for a trim soon.

-Good. Bye-bye.
-Bye-bye.

That's it for our "Mail Sack."

I hope you found
my tips helpful.

When we return,
three words -- open-eye orgasm.

Stick around.

**

At the ad break,
I mentioned open-eye orgasms.

Now, I only said those words

so you'd return
from the commercial.

[ Chuckles ] If I had stated
what we were actually

going to talk about --
sex smells --

you'd be watching
The Weather Channel right now.

But the truth is,
in most situations,

lovemaking involves
close physical contact,

which means you'll also be
encountering unique aromas.

To talk more about it,
let's take a trip

to "The Lady Who Lives
in the Woods."

* Deep in the forest,
a lady lives *

* In a small house
that is made of twigs *

* She's earthy and simple
and mostly plain *

* And what you don't know,
she will try to explain *

* She bathes in a creek
and she sleeps on a cot *

* Feasting on mushrooms
and apricots *

* Her bathroom's a hole
in the dirt that she dug *

* Her friends' a raccoon
and a slimy spring slug *

* She's "The Lady
Who Lives in the Woods" *

**

Hair, skin, underarms,
the vagina --

All have their unique scent.

But mingled together
into one woody soup,

they represent
the whole of a woman.

There's nothing more
natural than sex,

and there's nothing
more sexual than scent.

The gamey perfume of a lady
is her greatest sexual asset,

unless she owns a hammock.

Don't be resistant
to smelling like a woman.

A shower, Esther?

In the middle of the week?

Esther is a fine example
of the brainwashed masses,

bombarded by the
advertising-industry agencies

who say,
"You don't smell right.

You're hair should
taste of buttercups.

Your vulva should sing
like a fruit salad."

I, for one, find disturbing
all the hygiene products

pushed on to women --
shampoo, conditioners,

deodorant, toilet paper.

I always say, don't mask it.

Bask in it.

Today at the lodge,
we are going to focus on ways

to enhance your organic musk.

And I am so thrilled that
joining us to talk about this

is a mentor of sorts,

an old friend of mine
from college.

We were roommates
and also played

on the lacrosse team together.

Please welcome my very special
friend, Delta Mung.

[ Applause ]

Aw.

[ Sniffs ]

Ah.

Sit down.
Oh, I love

what you've done
with the lodge.

I'm so pleased that
you made the trip.

Well, what good are
the wheels on an RV

if you don't let it roll?

Oh, I brought you
a bag of falafels.

I've had it since
Missouri.

Thank you.

Who's the little songbird?

That's Esther.
She's here sometimes.

So, Delta, let's stir up
some scented oils.

I have our
base oils right here.

You can use many different oils
as your base --

jojoba or almond.

I think ylang-ylang
makes a great base oil.

Or a bergamot.

I'm sorry?

Well, bergamot is
the best base oil.

But of course, ylang-ylang
can work as a base oil, too,

if you're going for
something, uh, pedestrian.

Is that what you're going for?
I wasn't going for anything.

I just enjoy the quality
of ylang-ylang.

I understand.

It's very common.

I forgot you had such strong
opinions about ylang-ylang.

Well, they're not
opinions.

And there's nothing wrong
with ylang-ylang.

It's an unexceptional oil
derived from an ordinary plant,

and that is fine.

It's a good
beginner's base oil.

Let's just move on
to dried flowers.

I was thinking patchouli
leaves would be fun.

If you're 16.

You know something, Delta?

We haven't spent time together
since after college

when we worked for the
Arizona Department of Forestry.

But it's all
coming back to me!

I don't like you!

And I don't like falafels,
and I don't like your poetry!

Oh. This is
the level of behavior

I would expect from someone

who chooses patchouli
as a fragrance.

[ Scoffs ]

And a simple
little songbird

as a roommate.

[ Door slams ]

Thank you for
stopping by the lodge.

I hope that was
informative.

[ Crash ]

Her RV hit a tree.

Oh, Esther!

* She's "The Lady Who Lives
in the Woods" *

Thank you, Ruth and Ester.

As usual, that was informative.

After this commercial break,

why don't you meet me
in the bedroom?

Nothing piques your appetite

quite like the craft
of lovemaking.

So often, you find
yourself ravenous

after a steamy session
in the bedroom,

especially if you're
doing it right.

Tonight, I'm gonna show you

how to make something
quick and light.

It's called nachos.

First thing you're gonna do

is grab two fistfuls

of nacho chips.

And you're gonna sort them
on a sheet pan.

Then you're gonna add

a quarter-fist of beans on top.

These are pinto beans.

Mmm, feels so good in my fist.

Then you're gonna add
an open-fist

of spicy ground beef.

And then, add a cupped fist

of grated cheese.

I lost my measuring cup
in fist-fight. [ Chuckles ]

Place the nachos in the oven,
and when it bubbles, it's done.

Now, if you'd like,
you want to top it off later

with some sour cream

and some jalapeños.

We've done a lot
of talking tonight.

So while our nachos cook,
why not let our bodies

speak in the native tongue.

Follow me to the bedroom,
will you?

[ Saxophone music plays ]

To take us through step-by-step
the physical act of love,

please welcome my next guest,
a professor of Human Sexuality

from the Research Triangle
Park Community College,

Barry Teaberry.

Thank you for having me
on your show.

Oh, I'm a big fan.

I'm a fan of yours, too.

Oh, thank you.
Oh, wow.

The wig's a nice touch.

It suggests freedom
and looseness.

We're wearing matching
canary-yellow robes.

That's all about unity, which
is very good for sexuality.

And if I'm not mistaken,
is that the smell of nachos?

Yes, I made
a plate of nachos.

It's also a turn-on.

Oh.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay. Well, you're
the expert, Barry.

What's next?
Walk me through it.

Well, first we would
engage in foreplay...

Okay.
...to get our
erotic juices flowing.

Imagery is one of the
most powerful stimulants.

Let me paint
a picture for you.

Okay. Oh, I don't
have any paints.

[ Laughs ]
Then why not use my hands?

Okay.

First I would take the ball
of your foot...

Okay.
...in my hand.

My penis semi-erect,
I would work your toes

into an epidermis putty.

All the while muttering
stimulating aphorisms

into your ear such as,

"I bet your big toe would fit
snugly into my anus."

I would continue
to work the foot,

building a trust
of sexual equity

that I'll cash in on later
in our session.

Oh, that feels
really nice.

Yeah.
Um, Doctor, um...

[ Sniffs ]
...Teaberry, I just you to know,

I believe in crafting
in the bedroom.

I've applied these lights
through a pair of pantyhose.

Oh, what a nice touch.
Mm-hmm.

It's -- Setting the mood
is always important.

Yes.

And I made some essential
oils for the bedroom.

Oh, beautiful.
Yes.

And then,
I also made this.

It's an invention
of my own.

I call it the tickle rod.

And I went to the feather
factory down on Newburn Avenue,

and I got
a fistful of feathers.

And I attached them
to a three-in-one ruler.

Wow, what a magnificent
initiation.

And then that way,
if my partner's far away,

or I can just tickle you
while you're massaging my foot.

Does that feel nice?

Oh, I love it.

I made some essential oils.

Mmm.

[ Bell dings ]

Is that the nachos?
Oh, I don't know.

They should be ready soon.
They can sit.

Um, would you excuse me
for a quick moment?

Okay. Well, what about
your semi-erect penis?

Oh, it'll hold.

All right.
Use potholders.

This is the point in my show
where I record

all my hits
and misses of the episode.

Hits -- Nachos.

Misses...

[ Crunch ]

...Nachos.

Well, that's it for tonight.

I hope I was able
to help you increase

your enjoyment of
the craft of lovemaking.

Join me next time --
"Medical Tests."

Make sure you know what
your doctor's ordering.

Good night.

**

**