All language subtitles for At.Home.With.Amy.Sedaris.S01E04_English

Hello.

Being poor is an appalling
condition in which one

is deprived of even
the most basic human needs,

is one way to view it.

But being poor can also be
a magical op-poor-tunity

for creative resourcefulness.

Case in point, Tater Toes --
baked potato shoes!

Tonight, I'll be preparing
a dinner with all the frills

for a special guest,
my rich uncle,

and I'll be doing it
on a shoestring budget.

Along the way, we'll discover
all sorts of inventive shortcuts

to stretch the dollar --

"Entertaining For Peanuts,"
tonight,

on a very special

"At Home With Amy Sedaris."

Aah.

**

**

The at-home dinner party
is fast becoming

America's most popular
form of entertainment,

right behind group
sex and bar fights.

Until recently, I believed
there was only one way

to throw
a dinner party --

hire someone to throw
a dinner party. [ Laughs ]

But that costs a lot of money,

and as my producers
have repeatedly pointed out,

I just don't have it.

Apparently, I', what
they call "over-budget."

I don't know how this
could have happened.

The raccoon who keeps the books

never mentioned there
was ever a problem.

[ Raccoon chatters ]

So tonight, I'm taking
my lack of funds

as a hospitality challenge

to prove a person
doesn't need sacks of cash

to throw an impressive
dinner party.

I've already started
cutting corners.

I did my own hair and makeup,
and I even dressed myself.

I probably won't even
have those guys back.

And I'm going to show you
other ingenious ways

to tighten those purse strings.

And then, I'll put all
those ideas together

and create a spectacular,
thrifty evening

for a very rich relative.

Will he know the difference?

Let's find out!

I also directed myself.

**

In pursuit of doing
a dinner party on the cheap,

I decided to talk
to an expert --

a professional poor person.

Knock, knock!

Well, welcome
to my humble abode.

I brought you a cheese tray
and a roll of toilet paper.

Mmm, look at that!
Toilet paper!

Ooh, gosh,
that's extravagant.

I appreciate that, Amy.

Mmm, cheese plate.

Mmm.

That's good!

Thanks,
but I appreciate it.

You never
show up empty-handed.

That's why
I like you, Amy.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Uh, would you mind
removing your shoes?

Well, you have
a dirt floor.

Yeah, it's not
'cause of the floor.

I've got me
a foot fetish.

Mmm, look,
you got ten toes.

A winner.

Ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

I mean, ten's ideal,
but I'm cool with less.

Gosh, I like what you did
to the place.

Well, it's home I guess.

You know,
it might not be much.

I don't have that many
valuable possessions,

but I got a song in my heart.

You want to hear it?
All right.

[ Clears throat ]

* Oh, feet, feet,
feet make me horny *

* Don't mind if they're flat
Don't mind if they're corny *

That is a real toe tapper!

Mmm, can I watch?

Uh, no.

Why don't you give me
a little tour?

Well, sure.
Okie dokie.

I've got me a painting
right here.

What I did was I took a shirt
box and I painted a horse in it.

See that?

I got that idea from watching
"Equedus," the movie.

Over here, I made
some dice out of bread.

See that?

Just when I was loping
around, mm-hmm.

Hey, you know what?

I really like that
cabinet behind you.

Oh, yeah.

See, this cabinet
right here, what I did

is I made the hinges
out of a garden hose.

Where do you get
your garden hoses?

I stole it from
a hardware store.

Why didn't you just
steal the hinges?

It would've been
easier to carry.

I guess that's why
you're not the hobo.

Are those
real cherry blossoms?

Oh, that's just old popcorn
glued to a stick.

What I do is I find a stick.

Then I hang out
by the movie theater

and I collect old popcorn.

I attach, the popcorn and then
paint it with pink nail polish.

Speaking of which,
can I do your toenails up?

I'll make 'em look
real pretty.

Let me think about it.
No.

Can't blame a hobo
for trying!

Unbelievable.

Well, Hobo, as you know,
I'm here to get a tip or two

on making a beggar's meal
fit for a king.

Well, I've got a few tricks up
my sleeves, also some spiders.

I'm gonna teach you to make
the perfect dessert treat --

the easy elegance
of flan, mm.

What I do is I take a can
of condensed milk

and I put it
in a pan of water

and I simmer
for two hours in a row

on top of an overturned iron,
which I got from you.

Now, let's see here.

I'm gonna do the old
switcheroo like they do

on those
fancy cooking shows.

First of all, I got this very
expensive, elegant can opener,

which I'm
running some electricity

up at Patty Hogg's place.

She don't know, so don't you
tell her anything.

[ Can opener humming ]

There we go.
Oh, yeah.

Mmm, gadgets.
[ Humming stops ]

I'm gonna hand this
to you with a fork.

Now, save that lid 'cause I
can make some wind chimes

out of it for babies.

There you go.

Now, careful of your teeth.
Why?

What do you mean?

Well, you know, sometimes it'll
yank the ole chompers out,

but it's worth it.

Goodness gracious,
it is worth it, Hobo!

It's worth it.

Wow, this is delicious!

Mmm, unbelievable!

You know, by the way, I feel
like I've gotten to know you,

I feel a little weird
calling you "Hobo."

Well, you can call me
by my real name --

Horence Boreman,
or "Hobo" for short.

Well, Hobo, we will enjoy
or gypsy flan this evening.

Hate to see you go,
but I love to watch you leave.

Mmm!
Okay, take care.

Mmm, mmm!

Hobo gave us a great tip
for a budget dessert.

But we still have to
come up with

an economical main course --

shin meat.

Shin steaks will make
a lovely frugal entrée.

Of course, your snooty
meat critics will say,

"Shin meat is for
cartilage lovers only."

But I say if it's good enough
to hold up all the cow,

it's good enough for my entrée.

My menu will also include
Yukon Gold potatoes

and carrot coins.

So, let's get cooking!

To help me prepare this meal,

I've invited my friend
and friend of the show --

Chassie Tucker.

What happened to you?

I mean, I know you're old, but,
oh, you can't just give up!

Chassie, this is
my budget episode

so I did my own hair and makeup,
and I even dressed myself.

Oh. Well, you must've
saved a bundle.

Hmm, okay.

All right, why don't
we get started?

Why don't we get started.

We're cooking simple, yet
elegant medallions of shin.

First, we're gonna
fillet the shin.

I understand your
your rich uncle

is coming over
for dinner.

How did you hear that?

I crossed paths
with Horence Boreman

in your hedges.

He's crazy about my feet,
by the way,

which I find surprising.

Oh, why's that?

Well,
I don't have arches.

I didn't know
you had flat feet.

Oh, no, no, no.
I mean I don't have arches.

It's just toe
directly into heel.

More hoof
than foot really.

Hmm.

Anyhow, tell me
about your rich uncle.

Is he single?
Does he live around here?

Is he into centaurs?

Slow down the who,
what, where, how's!

I don't know.

I haven't seen him
since I was his niece.

Oh, well, I'd really
love to meet him.

Say, maybe you could give me
a job serving him dinner.

Now that I'm hired, I'm need an
advance on next week's paycheck.

I thought you already
had a job at Clip Clops.

Well, my schedule flip flopped
and my pay wasn't tip top,

so last week
I hip hopped.

Well, look.

I'd love to hire you,
Chassie,

but we're working on
a limited budget

and most of it went
towards this shin.

Now, what we're gonna do is
we're gonna cut discs of meat

from the fillet
to create the medallion.

Now, here's a great steak tip --
I like to use a compass

to create
the medallion outline.

Look at this.

Oh, can you get
a close-up on that, Smokes?

Look at that.

Now what we're gonna do
is take a pair

of ordinary poultry
shears, okay?

You wanna make sure
they don't' have glue on them.

And I'm just gonna follow
along the pencil line

that you created.

Okay?

Now.
Oh!

Now, that is
a great steak tip.

Is that not the perfect
circle of meat?

You want
to try one, Chassie?

Say, those shin cutlets
seem oddly juicy

considering they're
mostly gristle.

Yeah?
Why do you say that?

Well, your hand
is dripping with blood.

Oh!

Oh my, I've cut the tips
of my fingers off!

Having the tips of your
fingers medically reattached

would be expensive surgery,
so when we return,

I'm gonna show you you
how to do it for peanuts.

Welcome back, and if
you're just joining us,

I have a rich uncle
coming for dinner

and no fingertips
on my left hand.

But I have a cheap
and easy solution --

steakhouse nails for peanuts!

What you do is you take
a ballpark peanut --

It could also be
a circus peanut --

bite it in half,
shake out the nutmeat

so it kind of looks
like this right there.

You're gonna place it over
your injured finger.

And then, you're gonna
use a red marker

and you're gonna create
the illusion of nail polish.

Now, that's a finger
that belongs at a fancy shindig

with a rich uncle.

During our commercial break,

I was having a conversation
with the show accountant, Barry,

who explained to me, when you're
trying to stretch a dollar,

it's important to put
together a budget.

But putting together a budget
isn't as easy as it seems.

I mean, all these numbers
and columns!

I wish there was an easier way.

[ Sighs ]

Announcer:
So, you want to make a budget.

Good for you!

A budget is important because
it
helps us organize our income

so we can pay our bills
and still put money aside

for the important things:

like Billy's college fund,
Sara's doll collection.

And of course,

the most important item
in any budget is,

Tuttleman's budget
graphing notebooks,

bound in hand-glued
leatherette --

the finest leather-like
material

you'll find to not
come from cow.

Let's get started
on that budget.

I'll help!

First, flip open
your quality-made Tuttleman's

budget notebook.

Just look at that
well-delineated graph paper --

pretty sharp.

Now write down your gross
income for the week.

You say you make $45 a week?

Way to go!

And you say you're just
an Assistant Manager?

Are there any openings?

No? Hmm, too bad.

I have a lot of time
on my hands.

In fact, I hung out
by your house this morning

and watched your daughter
Katie walk to school.

It would be a shame if
something bad happened to her.

Now I'll ask you again.

Are. There.
Any. Openings?

What are the odds?

But let's get back
to our budget, shall we?

$45 breaks down like this --
$10 for shelter, $8 for food,

$7 for clothing, $1.50
for entertainment,

and $18.50 for a Tuttleman's
budget notebook.

Now, you might think spending
almost half of your weekly

income on a budgeting
notebook is excessive.

But try graphing your budget
on an inferior budget notebook

such as a Tootleman's.

This is Jackie.

He thought he was being smart

buying a Tootleman's
budget notebook,

because it saved him
a few pennies.

Let's see how he's making out.

[ Muffled blows landing ]

[ Muffled egging on ]

Jackie doesn't seem
so smart now, does he?

Jackie should have used
a Tuttleman's

and saved himself
a lot of trouble.

Eventually, Jackie wised up
and bought himself

the right notebook,
and put that budget together.

Let's see how Jackie did.

$8 for a nose reset,
$9 for speech therapy,

$12 for a catheter,
and $18.50 for a quality

Tuttleman's budget notebook.

Nice idea, Jackie.

Should've thought
of that before!

So, when you sit down
to create a budget,

reach for the best
in budget graphing notebooks --

Tuttleman's, the only
name you can trust.

Wow, this Tuttleman's notebook
makes budgeting so much easier!

When we return, we'll head on
over to my Crafting Corner

to create a thrifty,
yet delightful craft

that even the richest
of uncles could appreciate.

Stay tuned.

[ Chuckles ] It's true.

You pay peanuts,
you get monkeys.

I have totally
overpaid everybody!

Oh, hello.

I was just admiring
this beer can that

I painted to look
like an owl.

What is crafting?

I'll answer that one.

Crafting is the attempt
to make useful things

with your hands resulting
in bookshelf knickknacks,

grab-bag items,
and decorated litter.

This is Crafting Corner.

* Beads and things
and glitter and strings *

* Glue and sew
and buttons and bows *

Welcome to my Crafting Corner.

In keeping
with the show's theme,

"Entertaining for Peanuts,"
we'll be crafting on a budget.

I've enlisted the help of a
volunteer from the local parish

who spends much of her time
reaching out to the poor.

Welcome, Florence Chervil.
Hello, Florence.

Hello, Amy.
Okay.

Now, Florence,
you're a volunteer

from Our Lady
of the Research Triangle.

What kind of things
do you do?

I help the needy,
I feed the homeless,

and I euthanize the elderly
when I can get a ride.

Well, we'll be making
the crafty candlestick.

All we need is a couple of
drum sticks and some paint.

Is there anything more pure
and simple than a candle?

Aside from
it's tragic history

of catching kids' heads on fire
during birthday celebrations,

the candle can be
a romantic

and a festive addition
to most events.

But unless you have a cadre of
slave bees doing your bidding,

candles can become
very expensive.

Which is why we're
making our own.

You know
who's a good crafter?

Hmm?
God.

He made the Earth
in six days.

Of course, some of it
he phoned in --

giraffes, Utah, those
weird decorative gourds.

Are we ready to craft,
Florence?

After a short prayer.
[ Clears throat ]

Bless us, oh Lord,
for the crafting supplies

we are about to receive,

and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, crafters.

Pray for those who
do not have access

to googly eyes
and a junk drawer,

now and at the hour
of their death. Amen.

Let's craft!

Okay.
That was fun.

First we're gonna do is give
the candlestick a light sanding.

That way, the paint's gonna
stick to it a little bit better.

Just a light one.

You don't have to
go hard with it.

By the way, if you're gonna
purchase your drumsticks,

ask the man at your
local music store

which sticks will give you
the most bang for your buck.

Once I was sanding with Jesus,
and we hit a tough patch.

And I looked behind me,
at the wood dust

there was only one set
of fingerprints there.

And I realized that is when
Jesus was doing all the sanding.

Well, I'm not surprised
he was good at sanding.

I mean,
he was a carpenter.

Okay. Now that
we're done sanding,

we're gonna paint
the whole stick white

except for the tip.

Okay?

Oops, I put it
in the wrong paint.

I think it was
that praying.

Okay.

You know, candles are
a big part of the church.

They use them to make
the altar look spooky.

It keeps people
off-balance,

and that's when
the church pounces.

Okay.

Now, to finish
our candles,

we are going to dip the tip
into the red enamel paint.

Now, you can also use
glue and glitter.

Okay.

Then we're going to
stick 'em in here to dry.

Now, after they dry,
they're gonna look like this!

And then, we're simply
gonna insert the stick

in the hole
of a stale doughnut.

Okay, there you have it --
the everlasting candlesticks.

Ta da!

Well, Florence, I wanna
thank you very much

for coming onto
the show to help out.

Thank you.
Mm-hmm.

Now, I've got to get
to the old folks' home.

Oh, you have a ride?

Okay.

**

Medallions are almost done,

but it looks like
they're starting to buckle.

This night has to be a jackpot!

What else could
possibly go wrong?

Oh, no.

I forgot on my limited budget, I
could only afford bargain booze!

But how could I get away
with serving cheap wine

to a rich uncle?

Did someone say cheap wine?

Hey,
Regional Wine Lady!

Hey, I need your best
suggestions

for your worst wine.

Sangria!

Well, that sounds pricey
and complicated.

I don't think
I can pull it off.

Sure you could,
it's easy.

What you're gonna do is
you're gonna toss

yesterday's fruit salad
into a tub,

soak it in cheap brandy
and coconut rum for an hour.

Then add a jug of wine,
ladies' choice,

and a spritz
of flat ginger ale.

Garnish with whatever
fruit fell on the floor

when you dumped it
into the tub.

Well, that
sounds perfect!

Yeah.
Oh, here!

I mixed you up a batch
in my toilet, prison style.

Oh! That's so generous of you.
[ Horn honks ]

Well, that's my ride,
Stoney and BJ.

I'm off to Cabernet-Con.

We dress up as our favorite
wine grape, get loaded,

and then stomp
on each other torsos.

Gotta go!

Oh, before I forget --

* It's Friday night
I'm gonna get drunk *

* I'm gonna get laid

* I'm gonna be late
on Monday *

See ya around!
See ya around.

[ Bell jingles ]

Sangria!

My budget meal for the
insanely rich is complete.

I've got bogus medallions
of shin accompanied by

Yukon fool's-golden potatoes,

and a generous bowl
of counterfeit carrot coins.

To wash it all down,
...Spanish fruit wine.

And for dessert,
Gypsy flan fit for a hobo.

I have cloaked the table with
fresh popcorn cherry blossoms

and my delightfully
crafty candlesticks.

Will my rich uncle be the wiser?

Let's find out.

If only there was
a wealthy person

I could run this dinner by
to see if it passes muster.

Knock, knock!

Now, I'm saying
"knock knock,"

but I didn't actually
knock because

I just had
my knuckles done.

Amy Lou, would you be
a good neighbor and let me store

Reginald, my late

Shih Tzu, in your icebox?

Now, I have to keep him
fresh before

I get him freeze dried
as a surprise for Leslie.

Now, I'd keep him at my house,
but I don't want to.

I don't want to!

Patty,
I'm glad you dropped by.

I want to get your opinion
on something.

Before you say
another word,

Amy, I have a suggestion
for you -- spicy pepitas!

Spicy pepitas!

They're like a pumpkin seed, but
only larger, kind of bloated.

What you do is you smother the
with a little cayenne pepper,

brown sugar, and butter.

Not oleo, like I know
you like to use, but butter.

Okay.

Well, I wanted to get your
opinion on my budget dinner.

Budget?
What's a budget?

Budget, you know,
when you want to save money.

Save it from what?

Did it fall down a well
chasing butterflies?

You know, that's what
killed my Reginald.

Butterflies are such
cruel temptresses.

Oh, but at least he died
doing what he loved --

falling down the well.

Well, I put together a frugal
dinner for my rich uncle,

and don't want him to know that
I kind of did it on the cheap.

Whoa, I like that, Amy!

Intrigue, trickery!

You're thinking like
a rich person already.

This is gonna be fun.
Let me take a stab at it.

Okay.

You could serve
steak tartare.

But to save money, you could
lose one of the "tares"

and just serve steak tare.

See, you can always
go down a "tare,"

but you could never
do both,

Unless it's a chuck beef,
and well, who cares

'cause that's
not fit for a dog.

Oh, Reginald, Reginald!
[ Gasps ]

Okay, let me see
what you falsely fancified.

Hmm, just take a gander here.

Let me see.

Ooh, doughnuts.
Okay.

I'm gonna make some
mandatory suggestions.

You need to run out and
get yourself some finger bowls.

Finger bowls?

All fancy tables have finger
bowls, and toe plates.

And why do I see that you only
have one fork per place setting?

You could afford to throw
some more forks down there,

at least three --
one for the shrimp,

and one for the dessert.

Unless, of course,
your shrimp is the dessert.

Why would I serve shrimp
as a dessert?

I don't know your life!

For all I know,
your rich uncle is a seal!

I'm just tossing seeds.

But I think your table's
in pretty good shape,

very good shape.

But you're missing
the most important item.

All well-heeled tables
have a large statement piece.

But you can't
afford it, boo hoo.

So you're gonna have to rely
on some trickery.

So you're gonna run out
and you're gonna get

the biggest platter
you can find.

I've got one you can borrow.

You're gonna put it
in the center of your table.

You're gonna fill it
with water.

And when your rich uncle
shows up late --

and he will because
all rich people are late, Amy --

you're gonna tell him he missed
the most incredible

ice sculpture of the iceberg
that hit the Titanic.

Wow, you really are
a master of illusion!

You ain't seen nothing yet!

Patty, I can see you.

Kazzah!
Ooh!

[ Panting ]

[ Breathes heavily ]

Boy, this living room
is bigger than it looks!

Kazzah!

In all this smoke,
I'm disoriented.

God damn it!

[ Gasps ]

[ Sighs ]
[ Door closes ]

Okay. [ Sighs ]

If you're just tuning in,
I am incredibly honored

to be joined by my very rich
uncle for dinner.

I'm so excited
you're here!

[ English accent ]
Well, pip pop, tally ho!

Can I get you some more
chewable,

expensive Spanish wine?

Oh, yes.
Jolly ho!

That would just be
fish and chips! Darling.

Oh, my darling!

What a magnificent spread!

I haven't been this impressed
since I dined with the Queen.

You had dinner
with the Queen?

My darling,
but of course!

Wow, can you
tell me about it?

Well, first we took a ride
in the royal pram

through Piccadilly Circus

on our way to Big Ben
for a fortnight.

Gosh, it all sounds
so magical.

Oh, it 'twas.
It truly 'twas.

Me needs not tarry the grinding
on that evening, methinks not.

[ Laughs ]
Gosh, you're so worldly.

Oh, I am.
I really am.

But let us not squander
our talk time here on me

and my grand wealth.

Let's talk about you.
Well...

And congratulations,
my child. [ Laughs ]

For what?

Oh, for your
fancy diploma.

What did you major in?

Why don't we take
a look-see, shall we?

Well, that's odd.

Your degree's all blank.

That's a napkin.

A napkin?

Made of cloth?

A cloth napkin?

I can't --
I can't do this anymore.

[ Normal voice ]
What am I doing?

Oh!

Oh, honey, I gotta
tell you something.

I'm not as rich
as I look.

What are you talking about?

I mean,
of course you are!

I remember when I was a child,
you used to pull a quarter

out of my ear,
a whole quarter!

Sweetheart,
that was not a quarter.

That was a kidney stone.

I drew a picture
of Washington on it.

I don't believe it!

It's true,
and it's still true!

Here, look at my feet.

Look, I stick newspapers
in my socks.

And my tie --
It's a belt.

And my belt is a tie!

Why don't you switch them?

Because I'm poor!

Here, look at my hat.

It's also my toilet!

Speaking of which, I...

No, I have
a toilet you can use.

In your house?

Yeah, on the second floor.

Oh, my God!

I can't do this anymore,
I just can't!

I'm a fraud.

I'm just your poor uncle.

No, you're my rich uncle --
my rich uncle on a budget!

And you helped me
prove my point.

You don't need
a lot of money

to throw
a successful dinner party.

Oh, you.

[ Both laugh ]

Wow, hey!

Mmm, I love what you've done
with the popcorn.

[ Both laugh ]

Cherry blossoms.
Oh.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Coughs ]

Oh!
[ Coughing ]

**

Yeah, I'm okay.
Okay.

**

This is hits and misses.

Hits -- I learned
the value of money,

the flexibility of nail polish,
the importance of family,

and the power of pepitas.

Misses --
the tips of my fingers.

I'm sure happy
my rich uncle is here.

And tomorrow, he's gonna wake up
to silver dollar pancakes

and more Sangria.

Good night.

[ Snores ]