All language subtitles for The.Replacements.S01E01_English

[theme song plays]

♪ Todd and Riley were, oh, so sad ♪

♪ Then they came 'cross a Fleemco ad ♪

♪ They sent away a $1.98 ♪

♪ Got a superspy mom ♪

♪ And a daredevil dude of a dad ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ The replacements ♪

♪ Now anytime they come across adults ♪

♪ Who are sly and deny and deprive them ♪

♪ And make things bad ♪

[phone ringing]

[Mr. Fleem]
Hello, Fleemco.

Sir, we need a replacement.

And fast.

♪ And anytime they wanna make a change ♪

♪ Modify and rearrange ♪

♪ Though it might get kinda strange ♪

♪ Make 'em better, nice
And strong and fast ♪

♪ And smart and cool and maybe even lame ♪

♪ Call in the replacements ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ Get the replacements ♪

♪ Just get the replacements ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ Get the replacements ♪

[cheering]

[snoring]

Hi-ya!

[yelps]

[exclaims]

[cheering]

Wow, bases loaded, two outs,
and Johnny Hitswell is up.

We might actually win a game for a change.

What? Stay away from my phonograph.

It's the last out already?

Did everybody get a chance to play?

-Hello.
-Klutzberry, go in there for Johnny.

-Oh, boy.
-Oh, no, coach.

Johnny's our best hitter,
and Shelton really stinks,

even by our team standards.

Son, it's not whether you win or lose...
[snores]

it's how you play the game.

[Todd]
But Shelton plays the game really lousy.

Excuse me, Mr. Pitcher person?
Please don't throw it fast.

I have very poor depth perception.

[laughing] Where'd you get this guy,
the nerd factory?

Nerd factory. [laughs]
Good one, Buzz.

Strike one, strike two, strike three.
You're out. Game over.

-[all groaning]
-Oh, man.

Look out below!

Ooh, one-run loss.
That must be really disappointing.

-Aw, gee, thanks, Dad.
-Hey, I know what'll cheer you kids up.

-Consolation cake?
-No. Consolation cake.

Mmm.

But first, I've got
a special surprise for everybody.

Participation ribbons?

No. Participation ribbons.
We're all winners today.

[belches]

Yes, this is the best
participation ribbon yet!

It matches my face.

Dumb game. Dumb coach.
Dumb dummy.

Todd, you're younger than me,
so you may not understand this yet,

but playing baseball
isn't about winning and losing.

It's about building our character
to make us better adults.

That sounds like something
out of your stupid Teen Girl magazines.

First of all,
Naggy Older Sister is not stupid.

It's a widely respected publication,

and second, I already know
what you're thinking, so don't do it.

-Don't do what?
-Call Fleemco and have them replace Pops

with a pro baseball player
who knows what he's doing.

Hello, Fleemco?

[man]
Hello, Todd. How can I help you?

My sister just gave me a great idea.

I need you to replace our baseball coach

with a pro baseball player
who knows what he's doing.

Ooh, I hate it when I do that.
[yelps]

I'm on it, Todd.

Pops Hartman, congratulations.

You've just won a cruise
around the world.

Hot diggity.

[horn blows]

[tires screech]

[girl screams]

-All right, losers, listen up.
-[cat screeches]

Your old coach, Pops Hartman,
won a round-the-world cruise,

so, I'll be your coach
for the rest of the season.

Let's get this outta the way
right off the bat.

Yes, I am the Buck Spikes,
toughest player in the major leagues.

Yes, I am the only player
ever suspended for punching a mascot,

but that mouthy walrus had it coming.

And, yes, you can have my autograph.
Here you go.

-Cool, thanks.
-Wow.

Don't mention it.
You each owe me 20 bucks.

Now, there's gonna be
some changes around here.

You, you're too short.
You, you're too skinny.

-You, you're... you're a goat.
-[goat bleats]

Hey, he's our best fielder.

Go get the lead out.
You call those wind sprints?

Run! Run! Run!

I'm running, coach!

I'm still running!

Crowd that plate. You gotta learn
to put that armor to good use.

[grunting]

Hey, my exoskeleton!

[all straining]

Is it time for cake yet?

If you brats don't quit your whining,
I'm never gonna take the brake off.

Pathetic.
All I heard out there was excuses.

"I'm tired." "My leg's broken."

"I don't wanna be caged and shackled
when I strike out."

If that's such a problem for you babies,
then don't strike out!

Todd, this is terrible.
This man is a tyrant. He has to go.

Riley, you'll be battin' first.

On the other hand, let's not be hasty.

[crowd groans]

Uhh.

[shuddering]

[grunts]

Abby, you're benched.

[grunts]

Strike 'em out or else.

Safe!

We won'd the game, coach.
Do we get cake?

-Eh?
-No way.

Have a protein bar.

You all owe me another five bucks.

Yuck. This tastes like tree bark.

"Now with 37% more tree bark"?
Oh. Well, that explains that.

I know I've been tough on you guys,

but we got to the championship game,
didn't we?

And I believe with all my heart that
you guys have given me everything you got.

Unfortunately,
that's still not good enough,

so I'm benching you all
for these new players.

[belches]

All right, let's get to work.

Todd, Todd, sit beside me.
We can be bench buddies.

Wait, splinters.
I knitted you a bench cozy.

Thanks, Shelton, for having my back,
or, I guess, technically, my butt.

Hey, bench buddy, we're teammates.
We gotta look out for each other.

If you say so.

Hello, Fleemco.
I'd like to return Coach Spikes.

Tomorrow would be great.
And Pops'll be back tomorrow, too, right?

No? What? Oh, right.

What's wrong?

I got rid of Spikes,
but Pops is still on his cruise.

I'm king of the...

[snores]

So we still need a coach
for the championship.

I think I know just who to get.

So, will you coach our team?

Oh, puh-lease.

I'm a high-tech spy car,
not an intramural babysitter.

Me, me, me, me, me,
me, me, me, me, me.

Me, me, me, me, me,
me, me, me, me, me.

Me, me, me, me, me, me.
What about me?

[both] Ehh...

[Agent K] If you children need
a baseball coach, look no further.

No, further.

Oh, here!

Mom, what do you know about coaching?

Well, kids, I've never
told you this before,

but I spent two seasons undercover

playing third base for
the Bay City Blowfish.

Fernando Gomez?

I was deep undercover.

I also hit .317
and made 4 unassisted triple plays.

[groans]

Hello, coach.

-Ohh...
-And assistant coach.

Yeah!

[cheering]

Stealing home is really no different

than stealing microfilm
from a foreign embassy.

Or so I've heard.

Anyway, we must carefully
check your surroundings.

Then, when the time is right,

you run, run, run,
like they've released the hounds!

Extraordinary.

[satellite beeping]

Blue Robin to Redbird.

The giraffe has put on his tap shoes.

It's a fastball.

[cheering]

Now remember to check the sign
from your third-base coach.

[horn honking]
[alarm blaring]

I have no idea what that means.

Just hit the ball!

[crowd cheers]

OK, this is it.

Tie score, bottom of the ninth,
bases loaded, two outs.

Seventy degrees, wind out of
the west southwest, barometric pressure--

[grunts]

Sorry. Go get 'em, little brother!

Good luck, former bench buddy.

Aw, man, why'd you have to say that?

Hey, bench buddy, we're teammates.
We gotta look out for each other.

Aw, man, why'd you
have to remind me of that?

You can do it!

Aw, man, why'd you have to knit that?

Ow, I think I pulled my epidermis.

Ouch, I've done that.

Well, it looks like our only reserve is...

Shelton?
Aw, that kid stin... ings. Stings.

Yes, stings like a scorpion.
Go get 'em, scorpion boy.

Oh, boy, this is like National Science Day

and the opening of Star Journeys 4
all rolled into one. [exclaims]

Forget the huge crowd staring at you,

many of whom just wanna
see you crash and burn.

[all chanting] Crash and burn,
crash and burn. Crash and burn.

[chattering]

Hey, you can't taunt him.
That's my job.

Here comes the pain, lame-o.

You can do it, bench buddy.

Oh, thanks, Todd. Doh...

Night-night.

Batter, take your base.
The winning run scores.

[cheering]

And Shelton's breathing.

[goat bleats]

Hmm, interesting.
Your epidermis got better real fast.

-Oh, um, well, see...
-Good cover. Well, I'm proud of you, Todd.

[Dick crying]

Oh, are you crying because our son

learned a valuable lesson
in sportsmanship?

No. I'm crying
because I just realized that we won.

And do you know what that means?
[gasps]

No consolation cake!

[bawling]

Why?

Why?

[boy]
Can I stop running, coach?!

-Parking space detected, K.
-Thank you, C.A.R.

-He's gonna steal our spot.
-[C.A.R.] I don't think so.

Yes, keep on truckin'.

You have fun with your Happy Hornets
scouting while I shop.

Wow, it's my first day as a Happy Hornet!

-Uh, that's happy, not hyper.
-Yeah, don't get too excited.

After all, it's time for our annual
beef jerky charity fund-raising contest.

That sounds like fun.

Before you get all crazy again,
you should know

we lose every year
to troop Sassy Sunflower.

Who?

The Sassy Sunflowers,
led by the evil beloved, Sierra McCool.

-Thank you, Sierra.
-Thank you.

She thinks she's so great.

Oh, my gosh. Hi, Sierra, sweetie.
You're so great.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I don't know what came over me.

[sighs] We're a bunch of losers compared
to them and their designer jerky.

She's right. We couldn't sell beef jerky
to a pack of hungry wolves.

[scoffs]
You're exaggerating.

[snarls]

[whines]

-Wow, you weren't exaggerating.
-We stink.

Well, that is going to change, sisters.
Riley Daring is on the case now.

[both sigh]

What do you think?

[whistle blows]

Hello, Hornet Hive leader Susan.

At ease, girls.
What is this, amazing jerky?

-It's just a sign to advertise--
-Hornet Scout Ninth Class Riley,

is your so-called amazing jerky
magical, mesmerizing?

Can it leap over a building
in a single bound?

-Of course not, but--
-Have you forgotten Hive rule 12?

A hornet scout does not lie.

[whistle blows]

What's wrong with saying genuine?
It's not lying.

It's just vague,
like them selling designer jerky.

Hive rule 43:
Two wrongs do not make a right.

Good jerky here.

-I'd like to see the rule--
-[whistle blows]

Hive rule number 97: A Hornet Scout
is humble and does not boast.

OK, this is not working for me.

Yeah, neither is your hairstyle.

Hey, that was uncalled for,
but very funny, Sierra.

Very funny.

-Ooh, sorry, Riley.
-Now you see our problem, Riley?

Hornet Hive leader Susan
is such a stickler for the rules,

we could never possibly win.

[blows whistle]

We're doomed, as usual.

No, we're not.
Have you forgotten Hive rule 53?

Extinguish all campfires?

-Oh, maybe it's Hive rule 35, then.
-Never spit into the wind?

Thirty-three?

What happens at summer camp
stays at summer camp?

Oh, fine. Call it
Riley rule number one.

Quote never give up unquote.

I have a plan.

Wow, I can't believe
I couldn't think of a plan.

Oh, well.

Hello, Fleemco.

Sir, my Hornet Hive troop needs a
new leader, someone who knows how to sell.

Who isn't gonna get caught up
in a lot of little rules.

[man]
Oh, I have just the man for you.

[doorbell rings]

Hornet leader Susan,
your whistling skills are legendary.

That's why we need you
to come be an instructor

at the center for amnesiac birds.

What?

It's for the birds
who have forgotten how to whistle.

-[dog barks]
-To the Buzzmobile!

Oh, great. Riley, even your own brother
has turned against us.

Hey, buy our jerky, jerk.

It's not even designer.

-Perhaps I can be of assistance.
-Who are you?

Lowe Stowe's the name.
Helping you sell your jerky is my game.

You're our new Hornet Hive leader?

That's right, girls.
Watch and learn.

Oh, move along, son.
You can't have any of this jerky.

-It's all reserved.
-Reserved? For who?

I can't say, but his tour bus
will be here any minute. Oh!

I've said too much.

Wait. If some mysteriously
cool person in a tour bus

wants this jerky,
then I have to have some, too.

Oh, we can't sell this jerky
to you, can we, Riley?

No, we can't sell you a bag.

But I suppose if you bought a case...

we could say
the shipment came up short.

Fine.

Wait a second.

Riley, did you just con me
into buying your dumb jerky?

That is so... impressive.

I never thought you had it in you.

Well, it is for good cause.

That you're lying for.
How can I help? Hmm...

Hmm?

-Jerky for sale.
-Jerky for sale by me.

[chattering]

[yelling]

I got you now,
weak and powerless victim.

[grunts]
Jerky, please.

[belches]

Hey, that was my soon-to-be-stolen
lunch money you just spent.

This jerky makes me feel strange,
like I'm strong.

Mr. Bully, it's payback time.

[yelling]

Jerky here.
Who wants some bully-resistant jerky?

-I do.
-I hate bullies.

[chattering]

That went great.

Yeah, I was really in the moment.

Now, where's the money Riley promised me?

And where's the money Riley promised you?

[groans]

And... scene.

You want me to be
your celebrity spokesperson?

I'm honored.

-[C.A.R. clears throat]
-Yes?

-Aren't you even going to try it first?
-Did I ask for your opinion?

No, just like you didn't ask my opinion
about your jet-powered pogo stick.

Well, it can't hurt to taste it first,
I suppose.

I proudly partake in this tasty jerky.

Mmm... [gasps]
My mouth! It burns!

Water.

[laughing]

Oh, man, too bad
you can't use that picture.

Oh, we'll see about that.

"Press here to hear Dick Daring
tell how much he loves our jerky."

That sounds great!

I proudly partake in... Riley's... jerky.

Tasty in... my mouth!

Ooh, if that handsome guy
loves it, I'm sure I will, too.

Gimme a bag.

I'm so looking up to you right now.

[Dick]
My mouth! It burns! Again!

But they're still ahead of us.
We have to catch them.

And I know how.

Welcome back to Amazing Jerky Discoveries.

Riley, you told us
how your jerky is low-carb,

full of vitamins,
and cured this young man's walkaphobia.

[audience] Ooh...

But is there anything else you can tell
our viewers about this jerky?

It could be a necklace,
earrings, even a broach.

[audience] Ooh.

It's the world's first edible jewelry.

Wow, and when we come back
from this commercial break,

learn how jerky will freshen your breath.

Freshens breath.

Look out, ladies!

[sniffing]

There's nothing vegetarian here.

-Hello, Riley.
-Sierra? What are you doing here?

I think you know why we're here.
Get her, girls.

[grunts]
Hey, stop it. What are you doing?

What's going on?

Welcome to troop Sassy Sunflower.

-You want me to join you?
-Oh, honey, you are one of us.

Devious, shifty,
willing to do anything to win.

Check out our designer jerky.

The only difference between yours
and ours is a two-cent label.

We're selling the same jerky?

See, it's almost like we're sisters.

Of course, I'm the pretty one.

No, we're not the same.
You're not just liars.

You're also stuck-up and mean.

Oh, don't worry, Riley. We can teach you
how to be stuck-up and mean. Watch.

Hey, jerky guy.
You look cute in that outfit.

-Really?
-Don't talk to me.

[crying]

No. I got so caught up
in trying to beat you,

I started to act like you.
But I'm calling it quits!

Yeah, right. What are you gonna do,
start telling the truth?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Hi, everyone.
Can I have your attention?

I have a confession to make.

This jerky isn't special.
It doesn't freshen your breath.

[Shelton] No!

It's just plain jerky,
just like this so-called designer jerky.

So, it's as good as designer jerky?

Wait.
You're missing the point.

I lied so you would buy my jerky.

You see, at first,
I was just trying to help my friends.

Oh, she was trying to help her friends.

Well, yeah,
but it really was for charity.

Come on, everybody, let's buy out
the charitable little sweetheart.

But you're not listening!
I lied!

Mission accomplished, ladies.

We came in first place.
Very cool unloserlike first place.

In the end, honesty really
was the best policy.

-After a string of lies and deceit.
-Right.

There's my brilliant, devious sister.

For the millionth time, Todd,
I was telling the truth.

Sure you were. Your fake honesty rocked,
way better than that jerky jewelry pitch.

Who'd be gullible enough to fall for that?

Yo, check out my cool new jerky bling.

Some questions answer themselves.

[screams]
That jerky!

[announcer] The Fleemco Company presents:

Dick Daring on courage.

As a famous stuntman,
I am constantly facing great danger

with unshakeable courage.

It burns! Water!

Have you tasted that jerky?

That's fine, because it took
courage for me to show you

that sometimes I lack courage.

[yelling]
That jerky!

[announcer] This has been Dick
Daring on courage.

[Dick] Uh, for the record,
that wasn't me screaming there.

That was a girl that just happened
to be there when the wolves ran by,

and she screamed.