All language subtitles for Here.Today

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Coming through! Excuse me!

Left.

Stop sign, left.

One, two, three,

four, five.

Mr. Burnz?

Are you Charlie Burnz?

Charlie Burnz, I'm talking to you.

Mr. Burnz, Charlie Burnz.

Sweep up a little bit.

Make sure all the props
are in the right spot.

Hey, Marge?
Hey, Charlie.

Where is everybody?

Charlie, it's Monday.
They're at the writers' meeting.

Oh, of course-- Wow.

I had a long weekend.
Okay. All right.

Take it easy.
See you later.

Better hurry.
They're pitching new sketches!

Yeah, we made sure
to take a lot of care

not to offend anybody
with this next sketch,

so please strap in
and, uh, you know, enjoy.

Okay, so this is--
this is an infomercial

for a brand-new comedy album.

Uh, we start with shots
of planets and stars,

just these beautiful shots of space.

And then, we hear a VO,
and we see a chyron.

In the tradition of George
Carlin and Richard Pryor,

we bring you the next comedy voice.

And we cut to a photograph
of Stephen Hawking.

But we photoshopped him
in front of a brick wall.

So he looks like he's at a comedy club.

We have a microphone
where his computer is.

Is it just me, but what's the deal

with black holes?

Am I right? Ha. Ha. Ha.

You people like impressions?

So how do you think the meeting went?

Some very funny ideas.

But, Brad, somebody's got to talk to Roger

about his inflections.

I know, I know.
I think he gets nervous.

No, come on.

Geo-rge Carlin,
Rich-ard Pryor.

My God, Stephen Hawking
pronounced his name

better than he does.

Here's one for the new segment.

Or as Roger calls it,
the new "seg-ment."

All right, I'll give this to the guys.

By the way, there's a new
invention called computers.

You may wanna get one.

You know, I had one,
but I like this.

We started out together.
I love the feel of the paper.

I like the fact that the key leaves a mark

that wasn't there a second ago.
Wow.

But I did treat myself to one of these.

Ooh, look at you.
You know how to work it?

Absolutely, unless I wanna

send an e-mail, a text
or make a phone call.

Oh, that's not important.
Not at all.

Wanna get something to eat?
Uh, I have a lunch date.

Oh, look at you, Mr. Social.

No, it's someone who won an auction

to have lunch with me
at the charity event

for inner-city libraries.
That sounds like a blast.

This restaurant nice.
Excuse me.

Oh, no. Heh.

Sorry. Bye.

Maybe you, sir. Hello. Uh...

Oh, Phil Donahue.
Nice to meet you.

- The hell was that about?
- Sir, uh, hi. Uh...

Oh, no, sorry, sorry to bother you.
Wrong person.

Excuse me. Bye-bye.

Excuse me.
Are you, by any chance, looking for me?

I'm Charlie Burnz.

You gotta be shitting me.
What?

This was you?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You took some hits along the way, huh?

Yeah, you might say that,
but that's a very old picture.

That was actually taken on the Mayflower.

I did win the shuffleboard tournament.

Well, belated congratulations.

I'm Emma Payge.
Emma, pleasure. Sit down.

Sorry I'm late.
Don't worry about it.

Not a problem.
Glad you're here.

Thank you for bidding on me at the auction.

I'm so flattered that somebody your age

would be a fan of my work.

Truth?
Sure.

I don't know who the hell you are.

My ex bid on you.

You didn't?
Nope.

How did this...?
Well, he's an actor,

and he was doing a scene

from one of your plays
in his acting class,

and he wanted to meet you, so he bid.

Um, how much?
Twenty-two.

$2200? That's fantastic.
$2200, my ass!

Twenty-two dollars.

Twenty-two dollars was the winning bid?

Mm-hm.
It started at 20,

and then it went up
in 50-cent increments.

Oh, that's so sad. Heh.

Hello.
Welcome to Le Monde.

I'll be your server.
What can I get for you?

Have you eaten here before?
No.

They have the greatest steak sandwich.

That's all I get.
It's fantastic.

That's perfect.
I'll have the seafood salad.

Okay. And for you, sir?
Um, I'm gonna have the--

Oh, can I have extra clams,
extra calamari

and extra crab meat?

Of course. And for you, sir?
I'm gonna have the--

Oh, and can I have
a lobster tail right on top,

with extra mussels?
Lots of mussels.

The ones from New Zealand,
not from Jersey

because they got black hairs.

Who knows what's in those?

That can be really toxic.
Are you done?

There are a few species
you haven't mentioned yet.

Heh-heh, go ahead.

I'm gonna have the--
Oh, can I have a Diet Coke?

Heh-heh-heh.
And for you, sir?

I'm gonna have a tuna sandwich,
whole wheat toast,

and an iced tea.
Very good.

Why would you order a
tuna sandwich when you said

they had the best steak sandwiches?

While you were ordering half
of the Atlantic Ocean,

I developed a hankering for
the only fish left on the menu.

Heh. Touché, old man. Touché.

So let me ask you a question.

If you don't know who I am,
how come your ex didn't come?

I caught him cheating on me.
Oh!

And he said it was because
I'm the worst lay in the world.

And trust me, he is wrong, okay?

You ought to see my moves.
It's "Circus do Lay."

Okay. Well, let's, uh--
Let's get through lunch first.

Mm-hm. I'd break your back, old man.

Thank you.
Yeah, have you laid out, dead,

with a smile on your face.

And your kids will be like,
"How did he die? How did my dad die?"

And I would just look at them
in their eyes and say, heh,

on top of me.

That's a really lovely thought.

Heh-heh, you funny, old man.

I'm glad I came, even if it was

to shove you up my ex's big fat ass.

Now, there's a compliment
you don't hear every day.

Whoa, look what the tide brought in.

Yeah.
Thank you very much.

Please enjoy.
Uh, Emma, enjoy your buffet.

Mm-hm.
So... I take it you like comedy.

Nope.

You don't?
Mm-mm.

I mean, I love to laugh, but in real life.

You know what I'm saying?

Well, you know,
that's what I do in real life.

I'm a comedy writer.
You ever watch "This Just In"

on Sunday nights on Funny?
Mm-mm.

I also, uh, write for Broadway

and, um, movies and five books and...

And, um, what do you do?

Char-- Charlie,
I don't feel so good.

Why is your face suddenly
bigger than it was before?

I can't feel--
I can't feel my lips.

Oh, God, are you allergic to seafood?

I'll say maybe I am.

What should I do?
Call the hospital.

What? What?
Call the hospital! Call--

Call the-- The hospital!

Dial the nearest hospital!
Dial the nearest hospital!

I do not know.
Let me check the Web.

Dial the nearest hospital!
Is everything all right?

Aah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Okay, what did you do?

I didn't do anything!
These are Jersey mussels!

What?
I knew they were Jersey mussels!

Jersey? No! I'm from Jersey.
I need emergency. Emergency.

This is an emergency!

Everybody, calm down.
Everybody, relax.

We should call the ambulance.
Siri! What is wrong with you?

Ma'am, have you had an allergic
reaction to seafood before?

Mm-mm.
You just randomly ordered,

and this is what happened?
I had a hankering.

Okay, just try to relax.
We're almost there.

You're gonna be okay.

Charlie? Charlie.

Charlie!

You're all I've got, Charlie!
Please don't leave me!

Oh, boy.

Mr. Burnz?

Oh, I'm not supposed to fill these out.

What's your relation to Miss Payge?

She won me in an auction.

Fine, don't believe me.

She doesn't have insurance,

and she really shouldn't be
leaving here by herself.

No insurance?

Okay.

Eleven hundred dollars?

Yes. And you'll get the
ambulance bill in the mail.

You can pay me on the way out.

Your daughter is going to be fine.

My d--?

Great. Isn't that great?

She told me all about
how you adopted her

from that orphanage in Kenya.

That's very special.
Oh, she told you?

Yeah.
Yeah, well...

Ha-ha, well, uh, she is special.

Well, this is a pretty severe reaction.

Are there other allergies
I should know about?

I think really you should
talk to her about that,

or I can put you in touch with
one of the elders of her tribe.

You could ask for Mbolo.

It's good that you reacted
as quickly as you did.

A little longer, may have
been a different story.

Here are her prescriptions.

Pharmacy is that way.

Six hundred dollars?

So a tuna sandwich
cost me close to two grand.

Welcome to New York, pal.
What's this?

That's epinephrine. You need
to inject her within the hour.

And if I don't?
She'll die.

Next.

"Remove blue safety release
by pulling up, straight up."

Okay.
What's taking so long?

I'm having trouble reading the
directions without my glasses.

And honestly,
I'm a little nervous about it.

Okay.
Oh, no.

Hell, no. Put that thing down.

Ain't no way in hell
I'm gonna let you stab me

with that Lego stick while
your hand shaking like that.

You might put out one of my eyes.

They said I have to do it

within the hour or you'll be in trouble.

We'll just wait an hour.

If I'm not dead, you can go home.

Fine. Enjoy your bloating.

All right. Stick me, old man.

Ow! God--

Motherf-- Ow!

Son of a--!

Okay.

Show time's over.

Make me some tea, maybe it'll
help with the bloating...

"Only hold in for a few seconds."
Ah.

"Slippery when wet"?

You looked?
I had to. I really--

I had to. That's not
something you wanna do

with your eyes closed.
Believe me.

It could have ended up someplace

we both wouldn't be happy about.

Thank you. I promise I will pay you back

every dime that you laid out.

You don't have to do that.
How are you feeling?

Like you shot me up with
five six-hour energy drinks.

So I've got about a good
30 hours of energy! I'm lit!

Can I ask you something?
Yeah.

Why did you tell the doctor
I was your father?

Heh, I thought it would be cool
to have a white dad.

Oh, and the orphanage story?

I was a little loopy by then.

I'm sure that was the mussels talking.

Yup, those mussels were definitely talking.

Yeah, must have been.

Well, listen,
try to get some rest.

Um, do you need anything else?
I have 20 bucks left.

I'll be fine.

Look, I wanna apologize to you

for saying all that stuff about my ex.

I should have never done that.

You are a good man,
and that was not fair to you.

Hey, I understand. This way out?
Yep, that way.

Perky.
Yeah.

Good try.

Ah! All right, that's--

It's all right. It's a base hit.

Sorry, Rex. That's a match.

I don't know why you play against me.

It's good aerobics.
Yeah, for me.

I'm running around like crazy.

I'm gasping for air. You just--

You just stand at the net.
Somehow it's six-love, six-love.

Six-love?
Six--

You get perverse pleasure

beating your only son like this?
Yeah, a lot.

Listen, Dad, uh...

Francine wants to know

if you are coming to Lindsay's bat mitzvah.

My daughter wants to know

if I'm coming to my
granddaughter's bat mitzvah?

Why wouldn't I?
She says you never RSVP'd.

Why didn't she just call
instead of asking you to ask me?

Don't be upset.
You know how she gets.

It'll be a fun day.
We'll be together.

I don't want Lindsay to think
I wasn't gonna come.

Who knows what your sister says to her?

Just give her a call.

This was fun.
I'll see you next week?

When I lose to you, again.

I gotta go.

I have a 3:00.
I'm a little nervous.

I'm submitting my design for
a new building in Union Square.

Well, it could be a big thing for me.

I RSVP'd. I know I RSVP'd.

Dad, don't worry about that.
And wish me luck.

About what?

For my building, for the design.

Oh, oh, oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'll see you.

I'm gonna call her right now.

Daddy! Daddy!

Daddy! Daddy!

I did something wrong, Daddy!

I'm scared! Daddy!

Daddy!

Oh, hi. This is--
Craziest thing. I--

I forgot what locker I was using.

Heh-heh, that's okay.

I have a master. Uh...

Let's start with this row.
Okay, good.

That's perfect.
You're gonna crush this.

Give me a high-five.

I'm proud of you.
You're doing so beautifully.

Yeah. I'm just getting a little
nervous about my speech.

Have you started writing it yet?
Yeah.

Mmm...

It's your grandfather.

Hi, Papa Charlie.
Hey, Lindsay, honey.

How's my favorite bat mitzvah girl?

Good. Heh-heh.

Ask him if he's coming.

What do you mean?
Grandpa's not coming?

Are you coming?
That's why I'm calling.

Of course I'm coming.

I wouldn't miss that for the world.

Great. I'm so happy.

Hey, when you're happy,
I'm happy.

Um, can I speak to your mom?

Tell him I can't talk to him right now.

Uh... She said she'll call you back.

Yeah. Okay.

I can't wait to see you.

I can't wait to see you too.

So tell me.
You got a pretty dress?

You're gonna have to see when you come.

Okay.

Um...

Can you help me with my speech?

Yeah, of course.
We'll punch it up real good.

Yeah. Okay, kid.

See you soon.

I had a bad day.

Thanks for seeing me so late.
I really appreciate it.

I, uh-- I couldn't remember

where my locker was in my health club.

I've been going there for years.

It was so damn embarrassing.

That should be expected.

Don't panic.
Are you doing what we talked about?

Yeah. I try not to vary my routine.

I walk the same way to work every day.
I eat right.

I'm getting some exercise.

And, uh, I'm taking my meds.

And by the way, that Namenda.

Oh, man, it's so constipating.

It--
Sorry about that.

Sorry? I was backed up
for eight days.

I felt like a python
that had swallowed a deer.

Charlie,
you have medicines

to help with that, and you can
always give yourself an enema.

I'm saving that for my birthday.

A little something special just for me.

How are you sleeping?

Why sleep when you can
stay up and terrorize yourself?

Maybe I get four hours, but maybe.

And what about those flashbacks?

That's the craziest thing.

I can forget what I had for
lunch while I'm having lunch.

But then, something...
flies into my head, like, bam!

It could be a moment,
a fragment, a sentence.

And it's like I'm there.

Like I can see it

like I saw it way back then.
It doesn't--

It's almost like I can smell things.
And then, black.

It just goes black,
and it goes as fast as it came.

It's the craziest thing.

How's the writing going?
I think it helps.

Um, it keeps my mind active,
and it helps strengthen my denial.

You know what, this show,
it's all of these young kids.

I'm like the old man on the block

whose yard you don't
wanna hit the ball into.

But I still get stuff on the air.

I still help shape the show,

and when one of my jokes hits right,
and the audience laughs,

there's still nothing like it.

And I still love it.

Good. I think you're doing well.

We're keeping this at bay,
but it's so damn unpredictable.

Don't let your denial
overrule your sense of reason.

There's a lot we still don't know

about this kind of dementia.

Okay.

See you next month.
Okay.

Unless you need me sooner.
Okay.

Thanks, my friend.

Oh, by the way, I thought the
show last week was pretty good.

Was it? Who was on?

Um, you know, the guy,
what's-his-name?

The-- From the film.
He's married to-- Oh!

The one with the hair.

Would you like some of my meds?

You just gonna push the lady down, huh?

You just gonna run over somebody!

You son of a bitch!

Come back here and try that again,

you spineless bastard!

Hey, hey, hey.

What happened?

I was going up the right,

when I got into a head-on
collision with a dumbass

who was coming down on the right side,

but really that's his left side.

And it's all his fault
because this isn't England!

How did you know where I live?

Oh, Google.
Google?

Here.
What's this?

The first installment
of the money I owe you.

Whoa!

You're a pole dancer?

God, no.
And this coming from a man

that makes America laugh for a living.

My knee! My fucking knees!

Listen, listen, come upstairs.

I'll clean you up a little bit,

and then we can rinse out your mouth.

Come on.

Ooh, okay, okay.

Jeez.

Man, this dude is doing it.
This is nice.

Ooh!
Mm, he know a lot of old white people.

Oprah Winfrey?
Hmm!

"For Carrie"?

Hmm.
Okay, here we go.

According to this wall,
not only are you ancient,

but you're also famous.

Sit here.

You a serial killer?

What do you mean?

Well, isn't that what serial killers do?

Collect pictures of everyone they butchered

and buried in their backyard?

Other knee.

Who are they?
Who?

Oh, that's my family.

If they're family, why do you
have their names written down?

I'm writing something about them,

and it helps me stay focused.
That's all.

How did you become a writer?

I don't think you become one.
I think you just are.

When I was a kid,
I thought it was fun

to take the truth
and make it more interesting.

So you're a liar?

Nah, I'm just kidding.

That's beautiful.
Yeah.

Well, you're as good as new.

Thanks.

What was here?

Oh, there was just some picture that fell.

Housekeeper put it someplace,
I don't know.

Listen, I gotta get back to work.

You gotta get back to making up shit

because your real life is boring?

Something like that, yeah.

Thanks for bringing me
the bag of laundered money.

The Corleones will be very pleased.

Um...
But you really didn't have to do that.

That's where you're wrong, old man.
I did. Mwah!

Bye-bye.

Next is Sarah and Roger,
Paula and Gary wrote this.

A cheesy ad for a law firm.

Hello, I'm Jerry Loomis.

And I'm Lorraine Loomis.

When we got married,
the rules of dating

were much less confusing
than they are today.

And that's where we come in.
We're the Sex Refs.

We go on your dates with you.

Maintaining a safe distance.

So if there's any hanky...
or panky.

We're there to help clarify what
both parties' intentions are.

So there's no misunderstandings

that could lead to accusations and lawsuits.

We deal with the he said-she said aspects

of miscommunication.
For example,

You're in a parked car and she says:

"Would you like to kiss me?"

But he said she said:

"Honey, can you please
stick your thumb up my ass?"

Very different, isn't it?

We think so.

Or if you're at the top of the Ferris wheel,

"I really don't like heights."

But she says he said:

"Wanna see a picture
of my Rottweiler's balls?"

Now you see why you need us?

We'll be there to protect you
from vicious accusations,

subpoenas and defamation suits.

Sub-poena?
Remember we're on your side.

No matter what side that is.

We're Loomis.
And Loomis.

And we'll see you in court...

Ship.

That's good. That was good.

Well, it's subtle.

So...
Okay, good job.

Next sketch is from Darrell.

Thomas Crapper Jr.

We open on a 19th century British schoolyard.

A group of 9-year-old
children are milling about

and trying to figure out
what they want to do

now that school is let out.
Wanna come over to my house?

No. Your house smells.

How about my house?

No. Your house smells too.

My house doesn't smell.

How come?

I'm Thomas Crapper Jr.

My father invented the flush toilet.

Then let's go over to his house.

All right, all right.

All right, guys.
Very funny stuff.

Let's put together a show.

Sex Refs.

Ah. You guys wrote a really funny sketch.

But, uh...

But what?
Sarah and Roger were hilarious.

Correct.
I don't know. I don't know.

Charlie, what do you think?
Very funny idea.

But a thumb up the ass,
Rottweiler's balls--

What are you talking about?
They got laughs.

Of course they will.
They always will.

But is it the right kind of laugh?

Because it's a very smart idea.

Angry Librarians?

So funny.
You should do it.

I agree.

Thomas Crapper Jr.
Hell, no.

Yeah. You know,
Darrell's option's coming up,

and he still hasn't gotten
a sketch on the air.

It's not that bad.

First of all, if they spoke
in English accents,

the way they were supposed to,

it would've been a little bit better,

but the whole thing's not framed right.

Give him another shot.
He'll make it better.

Listen, we hired Darrell because he wrote

those really funny essays for the Lampoon.

I think it's a little hard to make the leap

from print to live sketches.
It takes time.

You think he's a good writer?

Yeah. I think--
I think it's in there.

But I think it needs to be encouraged.

Listen, you guys are a
very fast crowd to run with,

and I also think that
Inflection Mangler Roger

should be hit in the head
until he says "subpoena" right.

I mean, come on.
"Sub-poena," what is that?

A very small poena?

That's an inferior poena.

An underground poena?
I mean, what is his problem?

You know, but here's the thing.

There's a music to comedy.

There's a music.
There are notes to comedy.

He's out of tune.
We're working on it.

Keep working,
because it's driving me nuts.

All right. What's next?
Uh, I have to go.

I'm sorry, I have my--
Oh, oh!

Excuse me.
Oh, right.

Yeah.
Have a great time.

Thanks.
Oh. I wish I could go.

Hey. You got a job. Ha-ha!
Yeah. All right.

Good night.
Good night.

Good night.

They're, um--
They're honoring Charlie

and the whole cast
at the American Film Society

for the 30th anniversary
of Call Me Anytime.

Kevin Kline, Sharon Stone,
Barry Levinson directing.

Oh. Such a funny movie.
Have you seen it?

Mm-hm.
Yeah. It's great.

All right. What's up?

Look, you know I love Charlie.

I know he gave you
your start and everything.

But...
come on.

Yeah, I just don't know what
he brings to the show anymore.

Aside from 40 years' experience?

And a body of work that includes shows

that made it possible
for this show to exist?

Look, I know

how you can question Charlie's value.

But he's really smart
and he still writes funny jokes.

And he's my consigliere.

So when you write sketches
with a thumb up someone's ass,

or a Rottweiler's balls,

he's the one who reminds me what
we should be putting on the air.

Bottom line, as long as
I am producing this show,

Charlie will be here.

Okay?
You got it.

All right.
Yeah.

Let's get back to work.
Yeah.

Come on, come on.

Close the door, close the door.

Turn off the lights.

Come here.

I can't do this anymore.

Why?
Oh!

You're married, I'm married.
I don't want anyone to get hurt.

Well, neither do I.

Mm, I just don't know what to do.

But wait, wait, wait.
Let's make a plan.

Every year, we will meet
here in the Tuckmans' bathroom,

at their Halloween party.

What about the Tuckmans'
Christmas party?

No, we've got to be strong.

Hi, how are you?
Thank you all for being here.

Good evening, I'm Bob Costas.

Please welcome

the director of Call Me Anytime,

Barry Levinson.

Its writer, Charlie Burnz,

and its stars,
Kevin Kline and Sharon Stone.

I have to say, right off the top.

I really love this film.

In fact, I'm bypassing
a Mets-Astros game tonight

just to be here,
to do this instead.

All right,
so, what's the germ of all this?

How did it all get started?

Well, um, Charlie and I originally met

on The Carol Burnett Show ages ago.

And, uh, he wrote
a lot of very funny sketches.

Shy guy, uh,
always called me Mr. Levinson.

Even though we were friendly.

All right, so what happened was, um,

I read Charlie's script
and, uh, I thought:

"Well, this is a perfect film to do."

So the next day, I get a call
from Barry, and he says:

"I just read this script, it's terrific.

You gotta read it.
The character, she's you."

And I said, "She's completely compulsive,

she'll do anything. I'm in."

And then the next day,
he called me.

I read the script and then I was in.

Literally three days later,
we got a go.

And I called Charlie with the good news.

And so, Charlie, you get the call,
what did Barry say?

Who?
Heh, Mr. Levinson.

Oh, heh.

It's so nice to see you.
Nice to... Wow.

It's great to meet you.
Well, I was...

I was just thrilled and shocked that, um...

Mr. Levinson.

Uh...

Wanted to direct my first--

This was my first screenplay.
Yes.

And that Kevin Kline was gonna play Ben,
and that-- help me.

Meryl Streep.
Hello.

Heh, was, uh, gonna play Iris.

And I kept thinking,
if my parents were alive,

this good news would've killed them.

Charlie's work is--

It's not just comedic,
there's a humanity to it.

And I think it shows people as real people.

He's an exceptional writer.

Hey, old man.
You were great up there.

Hey. You were inside?

Yeah. And I loved it.
Second installment.

It's a little light, boss.
Please don't break my thumbs.

Well, this is a...

This is a lovely surprise.

How'd you know about this?
My loser ex.

I used his ticket.
You made me laugh a lot.

I'm really sorry.

No, I liked seeing you up there.
It was so cool.

And you've done a lot of big things.

I got lucky.
Being good

ain't got nothing to do with luck.

I guess.

Why do you have birds in your hair?

Why not?

Oh, shit, what time is it?

Damn! I'm gonna be late for work.

I gotta go. Come with me.
Work?

Yeah. Come on.
Now?

Yeah.
What do you do?

♪ Up in Harlem at a table for two ♪

♪ There were four of us
Me, your big feet and you ♪

♪ From your ankles up
I say you sure look sweet ♪

♪ But from there down
There's just too much feet! ♪

♪ Yeah, your feet too big ♪

♪ I don't want ya
'Cause your feet's too big ♪

♪ I can't use ya
'Cause your feet's too big ♪

♪ I really hate ya
'Cause your feet's too big ♪

Your feet's too big!

♪ Where d'ya get 'em?
Where d'ya get 'em? ♪

♪ Your girl, she likes ya
She thinks you're nice ♪

♪ Got what it takes
To go to paradise ♪

♪ She likes your face
Said she likes your rig ♪

♪ But, man, oh, man
Those things are too big ♪

♪ Your feet's too big ♪

♪ I don't want ya
'Cause your feet's too big ♪

♪ I'm mad at ya
'Cause your feet's too big ♪

♪ I hate ya
'Cause your feet's too big ♪

Yeah, I come from
a pretty small family. Uh...

My mom and dad were singers.

Uh, Mo and Jessie.

They were kind of like Ashford and Simpson.

But they never made it big

because there was already
an Ashford and Simpson.

We used to have a lot of fun.

They taught me how to harmonize,

and my dad made these
really cool weathervanes.

And my mom, she had

these beautiful dreamcatchers
that she makes.

They live just outside of Charlotte.

I love them both to pieces.

Oh, they sound great.

I love the way the air smells after it rains.
Hmm.

Listen, if you ever need my help

with what you're going through right now,

even if you need someone
to talk to, I'm here.

Well, thank you very much.
But what are you talking about?

You forgot Sharon Stone
and Barry Levinson's names?

Oh, that.
I get a little tongue-tied.

I don't like being on-stage.
And what stage were you on

when you wrote your family's
names under their pictures?

I told you, that's how I work.

It's a project that I'm working on, and--

Look, I know what you told me,
but don't bullshit me, old man.

It started innocently enough.

I'd have trouble remembering things.

A name, a place, a fork.

And I'd think,
"You're getting older, Charlie.

You know, you're having senior moments."

But one day,
I'm having lunch with this guy,

and I can't remember his name.

He's going on and on and on.

I'm thinking, "Who the hell is this?"

Then he cracks himself up
and he starts laughing.

So I faked laughing.
Just to go along with him.

And while I'm laughing,
I'm panicking.

Thinking,
"Who the hell is this?"

Did you know him?

He was my son.

Yeah. It's happening.

Jesus, old man. I'm sorry.

Who's Carrie?

I saw that on the title page at your house.

Carrie was my wife.

She died.

A long time ago.

And I'm writing something for her.

And I have to finish
before my words run out.

When did you start working on it?

About an hour after I was diagnosed.

And how's it going so far?

It's going really well.

My mama would call that
a crock of lukewarm horseshit.

Don't lie to me, old man.

I know you haven't started
writing one single word.

Let me see your phone.
My phone?

Your phone.
Okay.

Okay.

This is my name,
this is my number, okay?

Now, even if you don't wanna contact me,

I just want you to know

that I'm not some allergic-to-shellfish nut

that's half your age plus four,

that wants to help you
because you helped me.

You don't stop for commas, do you?

Life's too short for commas.

Darrell, um, this is better.

Try this as a tag.

Let's do it in the dress rehearsal.
What do you think?

Yeah. Yeah, that's great.

Are we good?
Yeah. Thanks.

Good. Alrighty.
All right.

Want to come to my house and play?

No, your house smells.

Come to my house and play.

No, your house smells too.

My house doesn't smell.

We can play there.

Oh, he's Thomas Crapper's son.

His father invented the flushing toilet.

That's a lot of crap.

Not anymore.

Let's go to his house!

Ah, yes. Thomas Crapper,

the, uh, father of the modern toilet.

I'm Jeff Goldblum.

Uh... Oh, heh-heh-heh.

This has been

a little-known moment
in indoor plumbing history.

Change your toilet.
Change the world.

Commercial break!
Two minutes.

Wow.

Not bad.
Great fix, Darrell.

Yeah, the Goldblum thing was funny.

Thanks.
I think we'll slot it

after the third commercial break.
Got one on the air.

All right, so...

Yeah. Yeah.

How did you meet Carrie?

Come on, old man.
How did you two meet?

Damn it, I hate this stuff.

Hey, you know what really does the trick?

What?

Butter.

Did you just say butter?
I'm telling you. Butter.

No, really. There's a lot of tar
on the beach this year.

What you do is you take a stick of butter

and just keep rubbing it into the tar

and somehow it breaks it down,
you can just wipe it away

and you don't have to use
that tomahawk of a shell,

which is probably taking off
all the epidermis

on the bottom of your foot.

Hi.Hi.

I'm Charlie Burnz.
Hello, Charlie Burnz.

I'm Carrie.
Carrie? Is that short

for Caren or Carina or a Catherine or...?

Florence.
Florence?

Don't ask.

Florence. Well, that's
a great old-fashioned name.

That's one of the names
of one of my relatives.

I could never imagine
my relatives as babies.

Herman, come away from the water.

Irving, don't put that puppy in your mouth.

Ooh, Mildred just pooped in the toilet.

A big hand for Mildred.

You don't hear those names.

That's true.

Listen, I live in that white house,

like, right over there,
and I happen to have

like half a ton of butter.
So if you...

Yeah, I won a dairy contest.

You had to guess how much the cow weighed.

And, uh, I can de-tar you.

And I mean that in a very respectful way.

Okay.

Wow, is that a paint-by-number?

Oh, it's you again.
Hello, Charlie Burnz.

Hey, Carrie. It's really good.

Yeah? You like it?
Yeah.

You know what else I like?
What?

Steamed clams.
Oh, yeah?

Yeah.
I've never had steamed clams.

Okay, my house, 7 p.m.

Deal.

Here we go. Okay, take the clam.

Spread it apart.
Rinse him in the broth.

And then to the butter.
And then to your mouth.

It's a little bit of heaven.
Isn't it great?

Oh. Oh, God.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Oh, God, that's disgusting.

Please don't sue.

Oh, man.

Pizza?
I'll call Gino's.

I just got this rug.

This is like tracking Bigfoot.

Hey.

Hey. Carrie.

Good morning.

Here.

Good morning, Charlie Burnz.

Here. A little something for breakfast.

It's a beautiful day.

Ha-ha! Oh, God.

Okay.

De-tar me.

But it seems a shame to waste
the butter on my foot.

Oh!
Come here.

Okay.

Hi.

Well, hello, old friend.

♪ And you can't tell
The depth of a well ♪

♪ By the length
Of the handle on the pump ♪

♪ Baby, how can you
Tell about me? ♪

♪ Now, you can't tell
A bottle by the label ♪

♪ That's how it is with me ♪

♪ Some folks call me a ladle ♪

♪ Give me a chance
And you'll see, yow! ♪

♪ You can't tell
The depth of a well ♪

♪ By the length of the handle
On the pump ♪

Thank you, boo.

♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ Baby, baby
Baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ How can you tell about me?
Hey! ♪

All right, now,

make sure you make a donation.

Thank you,
we'll see you in a few months.

We're going on tour.

A tour. Four months, 50 cities.

Theaters, clubs.
And we got a tour bus.

Can you believe it?
Man, it's awesome.

I'm in, all the way.
Awesome.

All right, guys, I'll see y'all later.

See you.
That's cool.

You sounded great.

What are you doing here?
Em, I'm sorry.

I messed up. Please.

It's too late. I've moved on.
I met someone and we're in love.

What? Already?

Mm-hm.
Bullshit.

He's over there. Wanna meet him?
Okay.

Come on, you'll see if it's bullshit or not.

Let's see your bullshit.

Hey.
Hey, old man.

Hi. Hey, you were great.
I mean, that was just terrific.

Thank you.
What is going on here?

Oh. Charlie, this is my ex-boyfriend,
Dwayne St. John.

Oh, I hear you're a fan.
Thank you.

This is your boyfriend?
No, he's my bae.

You used my auction thing!
Oh, yeah, all $22 of it.

And thank you.
It's the first day of the rest of my life.

Ain't that right?

Yeah. Heh-heh.

I love everything you do.
And now he's doing me. Ha!

Ain't that right, Charlie?

You got that right... baby.
Mm-hm.

We are late for lunch.
Uh-huh.

And I would love a seafood salad right now.

Okay.
This is so crazy.

I'm-- in acting class,
I was doing the scene from your play--

Do you wanna just take a picture?

Could I? Okay with you, sir?
Sure.

Man, this is amazing.
I'll take it.

I know the password already.

All right, get closer.

Okay, now, smile.

Put your hands up in the air.

Yeah, like you won something.

Aah! ha-ha!
Mm-hm.

There you go. Okay.
Charlie, come over here.

Is this good enough?

Now you'll always remember

what me and your idol look like together.

Bye-bye.

You okay?
I will be.

I want some ice cream.
Okay.

And a triple vegan delight.

Wow, that looks like the Olympic torch.

Hey, I gotta change the name.

So when would you leave?

In like a month or so.
It's crazy how things happened.

This record producer saw our videos and...

he was digging us,
next thing you know, bam!

We going on tour for four months,
on a tour bus,

and we're already talking
about doing an album, it's--

Charlie, I'm sorry.
I'm doing all the talking.

You said something good happened?

I wrote last night.
You did? That's awesome.

It was fantastic.
Just like the old days.

Itzhak Perlman starting playing,
and I started writing.

Izzy Perlman?
Who's Izzy Perlman?

Not Izzy Perlman.

Izzy Pearlman sold my
parents Venetian blinds.

Itzhak Perlman is one
of the greatest violinists

in the world.
Ask your phone who he is!

He lives in the building behind me

and he likes to practice at night.

I just open my window and it's
like a free Itzhak festival.

It's one of the reasons
Carrie and I bought the place.

Ooh!

What was that for?

I don't think I would've written anything

if you didn't get me started.

You're welcome.
Thank you.

Tink.

Hey, um...

Are you doing anything right now?

No.
It's my day off.

Wanna have some laughs?

Hell, yeah.
Come on.

- Wax museum?
- Trust me, it's fun.

Don't tell me there's one of you here.

- Come on.
- Heh, okay.

This is Marilyn Monroe
from The Seven Year Itch.

Mm. I'd be itchy too

if I had hot subway air blowing up my ass.

Is that who I think it is?

Hello, Dalai.

Come on, queen.
Smile, girl. Smile.

What could he possibly be thinking?

"Shouldn't have had the seafood salad."

- Picasso.
- I don't dig him.

Why?
Sexist.

If I did a painting of you

with three willies,
would you be happy?

I'd be ecstatic.

The Theory of Relativity

is never lend your relatives money.

You can kiss that ten bucks goodbye.

Golda, tell me again. I don't understand.

Okay, Mr. Arafat.

It's "Chanukah,"
not "Hanukkah."

I'm having trouble with the "hucch."

I'm having trouble with the "hucch"!

Pope? Party of five?

I am not a crook.

Oh, bullshit, Dickie.

Then why are you so sweaty?

Man, he is really cross-eyed.

That's why he didn't find

any weapons of mass destruction.

So you have two kids, right?

Yeah. Francine teaches math at
a middle school in New Jersey.

Uh-huh.
And my son Rex is an architect.

And, uh, Rex is a...

He's a pretty brilliant kid.

Well, he should be.
He was born

at the American Museum of Natural History.

This was so nice. Thank you.

I wanna ask you a question.

And I'm a little nervous about it,

because I don't remember the
last time I asked this, if ever.

Would like to be my date for
my granddaughter's bat mitzvah?

Her name is Lindsay
and she's the love of my life.

And it would be like
a goodbye party for you,

except it's a bat mitzvah
and not for you.

I've never been to a bat mitzvah before.
When is it?

I don't remember, but it's soon.
Way to narrow it down.

I have the invitation--
doesn't matter when it is.

I'd be happy to go.
Yeah?

But only on one condition.
What's that?

That we dance together.
Oh, no, no, no.

You don't understand.
I'm a dangerous dancer,

one of the few with mambo insurance.

Oh, come on, Charlie.
It'll be so much fun.

All right. But to be on the safe side,

wear a helmet and shoulder pads.

Done.
Great.

What's the matter, Carrie?

I just don't want the summer to be over.

Well...

maybe we just keep
our summer going forever.

Good idea, Charlie Burnz.

Stop sign...
left.

Whoa, sorry, pal.
You can't go this way. Not safe.

This is the way I go.
Sir, go this way. Not safe here.

I don't know that way.
You gotta go that way.

I don't know that way,
this is the way I go every day.

It's a new day.
Cross the street and you'll be fine.

No! I have to go this way!
Hey, pal, come on. Move!

Sorry.

What's the matter with you?

That's the way I go.
I go that way.

What, are you crazy?
What are you doing?

Get the hell out of the way!

Hey!

You, old man!

Get the hell out of the way!

You're in the middle of the road!

What, are you deaf?

Hey, old man! Am I crazy

or did you say your son
was born in a museum?

Look at the size of this thing, honey.

Charlie...
this is the only thing here

that's bigger than you.
Look at that wishbone!

Charlie.
What?

I think my water just broke.
What?

We gotta get you out of here.

We gotta get you out of here.

Oh!

I'm not gonna make it. Oh!
Honey-- I need a doctor!

I need a doctor!
What's the problem?

My wife's having a baby.
When?

Now!
I'm gonna ask the supervisor

if that's okay.
Are you kidding me?

I am a doctor.
What kind?

Proctologist. Okay.
Close enough.

Oh, God.
Oh, this baby's coming fast.

Can you do it somewhere else?
A tour group's coming through.

Really?!
I have a baby coming through!

Take a deep breath. Relax.
Call an ambulance now.

- Copy that.
- Hi.

You should know my name.
It's Carrie.

Hi. Hello.
And that man

who looks so scared is Charlie!

Hi, Charlie.
He's the daddy.

Good.
What's your name?

I'm Joe Katz. Okay?
Take a breath.

Relax. You're doing just great.

Now, listen.
I'll need to remove your underwear.

Oh, that's a bit aggressive

for our first date, don't you think?

There we go.

- What should I do next?
- Nothing!

Sure? They gave us a class with the doll--

Leave us alone!
Okay. Sorry.

Charlie. This is like that time
at Rye Playland, remember?

At the top of the Ferris wheel?
We were so drunk!

Are you okay?

Just trying to think.

Who took your panties off at Rye Playland?
I wasn't there.

What?
It was Coney Island!

Oh, you're right!

Oh, God.
Okay, lean forward slowly.

And you're gonna push when I tell you.

Carrie, you're doing great.
Hey! What are you looking at?

Ew!
Get these scouts out of here!

Come on, guys. Let's go.

Come on, boys.This is bullshit!

You too!
Copy that. And just a reminder:

We close at 5.
Get out of here!

Okay. The baby's here.

The baby's here.

So a big, deep breath and a big push, okay?

You can do it. There you go.
Okay.

Okay. Here you go. Here you go.

Here you go.
Oh!

It's a boy.
It's a boy. It's a boy.

Hey, Charlie.

Yeah?

Let's name him Rex.

That's the perfect name.

Heh, I'm really glad

we didn't have him under that big whale.

Yeah.
Because Moby Dick Burnz

would be a terrible name for our son.

He'd have so much trouble at school.

Oh, I love you, Charlie Burnz.

I love you too.

What do my baby boy
and a T-Rex have in common?

One is extinct,
the other just stinks!

All right, Roger.
We'll cue you in five, four...

Three, two, one...

Good evening.
And welcome to another episode

of Old People Who Have Always Looked Old!

Tonight's subjects are Keith Richards

and the late Mother Teresa.

Oh, boy. Did you hear it?
Yeah. I did.

How does he get away with this?
I don't know.

All right, listen.

These sketch ideas are good,

but they don't always have to be so big.

Sketches can be small, more personal.

Something about yourself,

maybe about your girlfriend or something.

That would be a problem.
Why is that?

I don't have one.
I'm incredibly single.

See? That's funny.

That I eat every meal alone?

Oh, that's hilarious.
Heh, no, no.

I'm talking about a character for the show.

The incredibly single guy.

It's different than being single.

It's incredibly single.

There might be something funny in that.

Right.
Find out what's funny about you

and then write about it.
Okay. I'll try that.

Okay.
Can I tell you something?

Yeah.

When I was at Harvard,
I had a humor class

and I wrote a paper as you.

Really?
Yeah.

I read all your plays,

I knew your movie scripts.

I could even tell what jokes were yours

on whatever TV show you were writing on.

So I wrote a paper in your style.

Like you were at Harvard.

Wow. And how did it do?
Got an F.

The professor said

we already have a great Charlie Burnz.

We don't have a great Darrell Green yet.
He was right.

Anyway, um, working with you
and knowing you

is really special to me.

Oh, thank you, Darrell.

Listen, while I go get one of the crew

to vacuum out the smoke
you just blew up my ass,

take a whack at the incredibly single guy,

see if there's something funny.
Deal.

Good.

Oh, sorry.

Um... hello?
Hi.

Hi, yeah.
No, I--

What to wear?

Oh, I don't--

Well, how vintage?
That's very vintage.

Yeah, heh-heh.

No, listen, uh...
I'm at work,

so can I call you back?

Okay. Uh, bye.

I'm taking a date to my
granddaughter's bat mitzvah.

She's a... really fun person.
Never been to one before.

Neither have I. Can I go too?

I think one surprise for my
family is all they can handle.

And believe me, this young
woman is full of surprises.

She sounds cool.
Yeah, she is.

She's, uh--
she's very cool.

What?
Well...

you're blushing.

Your face is a little red.
Oh, that's...

blood pressure. Yeah.
Oh.

Shouldn't have had the hot dog. Heh, it's--

See you in a little bit.
Bye.

Now that I'm a bat mitzvah girl,

um, I'd like to leave
you with this one story.

So I turned to Rabbi Teplis and I said:

"I've been studying for years and years,

'What is the meaning of life?'

And you tell me life is a cookie?"

And Rabbi Teplis looked at me and said:

"You mean it isn't?"

So anyways, to my parents,
I love you so much.

You've given me everything I have,

and I wouldn't be here without you.

Thank you so much. I love you.

Mazel tov!

Let's get Lindsay up in the chair!

One, two, three!

Look out. Here comes Mom!

Up in the air, Francine.

Bend your knees, boys.
Here comes Papa Charlie!

Mazel tov!

Come on. Sit down.

This is amazing!

That's it, God. I'm converting!

Hi.

I'm Francine.
I'm Lindsay's mom.

Mm. She is so special.

Oh.
You must be so proud.

Yeah.
I'm Emma, by the way.

Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you.

Yes, nice to meet you.
These spare ribs are delicious!

Oh, good.
Mm-hm.

So how long have you been dating my father?

What? No, no, no.
We're just friends.

I'm sure.
No. He's just really nice to me.

Mm-hm.
And I just love his writing.

Oh.

Okay. So, um...

So, what do you do, Emma?
For a living, I mean.

I'm a singer.
Wow.

Anything I might be familiar with?

No.

But we got a whole bunch of videos

that are blowing up on Instagram right now.

Cool.
You should come check us out.

We perform all over the city.
Where?

Uh... mostly underground.
Like clubs?

Sometimes, but more so subway stations.

Like, uh, Columbus Circle,
Union Square, Penn Station.

You gotta check us out.
You know what?

I'm gonna get me some more ribs
because I love meat.

Anything I could pet, I eat.

Lindsay...

I have to tell you how proud I am of you

that you wanted to have this bat mitzvah.

And I wanna give you something.

This...

This was your Grandma Carrie's.

And now it's yours.

Put your hair back.

See if I can...

Good. Oh, it looks perfect.

It's really pretty.
Yeah.

I'm giving you this...

because today is the first big step...

with so many more to come.

And I'll be there for you

for all of that.

And I can't wait to see
who you're gonna become.

I love you.

I love you too.

Thank you, Papa.

Hey, Dad, by the way...

I got that job I was telling you about.

What job?

The building in Union Square.

Yeah. Anyway, they love my design.

Great. Isn't that great?

Good going, kid. Come here.
Come here. Come here.

That's great, huh?
You know, Rex is an architect.

I know. Anyone who's born in
a museum is bound to be smart.

He told you about that?

Yeah, he's very proud of you.

This is her first bat mitzvah.
What do you think so far?

It's okay so far.
Just okay?

In the beginning, it was really hot

with all the dancing
and the chairs up, but--

Ahem, all due respect to your tribe,

but it's a little dull now.

Well, the reading.
It'll pick up again.

Well, why don't we do
something to help a little?

Where you going?

Dad. Dad!

Hey, hey, hey.

Do you have the instrumental for...?

Good evening, everybody.

Um, my name is Emma Payge.

I'm a very good friend of Papa Charlie's.
And, Lindsay,

could you please come
on down to the dance floor?

Uh...

This is my first time

ever coming to a bat mitzvah.

And I have to say,
so far, I feel so welcome.

I'm having such a good time.

DJ, hit that beat.

And this one's for you, Lindsay.

If you know the words
to the song, sing along.

If you don't, I wanna see you
dancing your heart out.

♪ Oh, come on
Come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ Didn't I make you feel
Like you were the only man? ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Didn't I nearly give you ♪

♪ Everything a woman possibly can? ♪

♪ And each time I tell myself
That I think I've had enough ♪

♪ But what I'm gonna show you, baby ♪

♪ Is that a woman can be tough ♪

♪ Oh, come on
Come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ And take it! ♪

♪ Take another little piece
Of my heart now, baby ♪

♪ Oh, break it! ♪

♪ Break another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, darling ♪

♪ Oh, have a
Have another little piece ♪

♪ Of my heart, yeah, baby ♪

♪ You know you got it
If it makes you feel good ♪

Mm, mm, mm.

Come here, baby. Mm-hm.

♪ You're out there on the streets ♪

♪ All looking good ♪

♪ And, baby, deep down in your heart ♪

♪ You know that ain't right ♪

Mm-mm.

♪ Never, never, never, never ♪

♪ Never hear me when I cry ♪
Oh! Oh, my hip!

♪ But each time I tell myself ♪

♪ That I can't stand the pain ♪

♪ When you hold me in your arms
I'll sing it once again... ♪

No. Dad, she's--
she's fantastic.

She's fantastic.
♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ And take it!
Take another little piece ♪

♪ Of my heart, yeah, baby ♪

♪ Break another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, darling ♪

♪ Oh, have a
Have another little piece ♪

♪ Of my heart, yeah, baby ♪

♪ You know you got it
If it makes you feel good ♪

All right. I see you!

There you go.

Yeah. Look here.

♪ I'mma need you to come on ♪

No. No, thank you.
♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ And take it! ♪

♪ Take another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby ♪

♪ Break it!
Break another little piece ♪

♪ Of my heart, yeah, darling ♪

♪ Have another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby ♪

♪ You know you got it ♪

Oh.

♪ If it makes you feel good ♪

Francine is amazing!

Oh, mazel tov to all of you.

Mazel tov.

You rocked that shul.

I mean, it was like Shabbos Night Live.

You made the whole party.

I think I had more fun than your family did.

Why are they looking at me like that?

Do they not know what's going on here?

Actually, they don't.
Emma, listen.

You don't know everything.

I mean, there's a lot of hard feelings.

About what?

Well, they both--

Well, Francine especially.

I wasn't around enough when they were kids.

Which was probably true,

but I was working,
like, all the time.

Then after Carrie died, there
was a revolving door of nannies.

And when I was there...

I just had a lot of trouble
giving them what they needed.

I mean, I just was so sad.

And what do they have against me?

Well, after she passed away...

I didn't wanna get involved with anybody.
You know, I couldn't.

So I dated a lot of younger women.

So they probably looked at us

thinking there's something else
going on here.

I'm really sorry they upset you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Itzhak Perlman.

That's him.

Does he take requests?
Itzhak Perlman is a genius.

He doesn't take requests.
You still owe me a dance.

I danced with you.
I danced the horah.

The horah doesn't count.

The horah's a dance.

You run around,
they lift you up,

and you sweat into your clothes.

That's a dance.
Mm-mm. Doesn't count.

Come on, Charlie. We're dancing.

Come on.
We're gonna go dance.

Who dances to a violin concerto?
We do.

Okay.

What? Oh, there we go.

Look out. Look out.

Whoo!

Whoa!

Where have you been?

When?
The last eight hours or so.

Here.
And just so I know,

where have I been?
Here.

With you?
Yeah.

Oh, that's what I was afraid of.

Really?
I thought it was kind of nice.

Emma, I didn't want for this to happen.

I don't know what you mean
when you say "this."

But if the "this" you're
referring to is that "this,"

it didn't happen.

I got afraid of the thunder and lightning,

and I snuck in here and spooned you.

That's it. We just spooned.

That's it?

That's it.
Okay.

Look, you're an attractive older man,

but your little, frail body
would not be able

to handle all these groceries.

I'll break your back.
It's too heavy for you.

Can't ride this ride.
The ride is too bumpy.

You might dislocate your shoulder,
then you'd die.

Can't have that.

Anyways, thank you
for letting me sleep here.

Mwah! You're sweet, Charlie.

You might want to think about
getting some bigger boxers.

I'm not sure they can handle your groceries.

They's just too little.

Three, two, one, now!

I first became incredibly single

when the fetus of my twin brother

left the womb a month ahead of me, because--

Well, he said he'd had enough.

This continued when I was an infant,

when my mom refused to breastfeed me.

She said, "Let's take things
slow and see where this goes."

And now I live in this studio apartment,

where I lie awake at night

and fantasize about having sex
with another person.

Which would be fun...
so I've heard.

And I think I'd be a pretty good lover.

Find those hard-to-find spots
that drive the women wild.

Because I have Google Maps.

"In two inches, make a left."

If you're also incredibly single
like me, why not give me a call?

If not...

...then the wrath of my god,

the great god Zoomgali,
who is also incredibly single,

will come and find you,

and the sounds will color the sky,

and he will come after you
and your loved ones,

and damn you to the fires of hell!

So call me.

You're killing me.

Clear. Commercial. Two minutes.

That was you. That's you, dude.

Killed it!
Thanks.

Oh, God.

I thought my phone was off. Sorry.

Hello. Yeah. I'm still
at the show. I can't talk.

I found it.
What did you find?

That great painting of that old house

that was hanging in the
empty space on your wall.

Oh, it's beautiful. I rehung it.

You're still at my house?

Yeah. But I'm about
to go back to my place.

Take it down.
What?

Take it down.
I don't wanna see it.

I'm sorry.
I thought you misplaced it.

Emma, I don't wanna see it,
understand?

I just don't wanna see it.

Get rid of it!
Fine.

New girlfriend?
Huh. I don't even know.

Hey, you were right.

He's gonna be good.
Yeah.

Three, two, one, now!

In the world of music,
Lady Gaga announced

she is changing
her name to "Lady Gagaga."

She gave no explanation for her decision.

According to a poll,
Americans are concerned

about a new axis of evil

that threatens our country's democracy.

North Korea, ISIS

and Senate Majority Leader
Mitch McConnell.

Uh... moving on.
No, no, no.

Is anyone bothered by this but me?

Do you hear that it's wrong?

Your emphasis--
You're an emphasis moron.

What the hell is he doing?

Everything you say is off.

It's not "wi fi," it's Wi-Fi.

It's not "polar ice caps,"
it's polar icecaps.

You are a comedy kamikaze.

Oh, wait. A "comma-kaze."
What the hell?

Anybody with a correct amount
of chromosomes...

would know that
it's Mitch McConnell,

not "Mitch-McConnell."

You make it sound like
there a lot of McConnells!

There's only one.
There's no Stewie McConnell.

Is there a Stewie McConnell
in the house? No!

What the hell is going on?
Should we cut to commercial?

Go to commercial?
This is live. Just stay on it.

Jesus Christ. No, I'm sorry.

"Jesus, Christ."

Who, of course,
was born in "Bethle-hem."

I even put it on the cue card,
because I had...

Know what this is?
I have no idea. No.

Thank you, Al. Look at this.

I had it written the exact
same size so you would know.

"Mitch McConnell,"
not "Mitch-McConnell."

Mitch McConnell, you see that?
Al.

Camera one, spin around.
Give me Al's reaction.

Yeah. Tell everybody.
Did I tell you that this would happen?

He told me this would happen.
Everybody. Exhibit A, Al!

Thank you, Al, you sweet--

Where is he going?
Get him. Follow him.

You.

Look. Look, ma'am,
what does that say?

"Mitch McConnell."
Thank you very much.

You, you. Stand up.
What does this say?

"Mitch McConnell."
Again. I can't hear you.

"Mitch McConnell."
We got a winner.

Dang it.

Take anything off the top shelf,
goddamn it.

Everybody, tell me.
What does this say?

"Mitch McConnell."
Can't hear you.

"Mitch McConnell."
One more time.

"Mitch McConnell."
Thank you.

Roger, you're a very talented young guy.

But I have to tell you,

I am sick and tired of writing jokes for you

and having you abuse them,
you dumb turd.

Oh, boy.

Dumb turd!
Everybody. Dumb turd!

Dumb turd! Dumb turd! Dumb turd!

Stand up. Dumb turd!

Dumb turd!

Dumb turd! Dumb turd!

Mom, Dad, come here.
Papa Charlie is on television.

Dumb turd! Dumb turd!

I say dumb, you say turd!
Dumb...

Turd.
Dumb...

Oh, my God.

You say dumb, I say turd.

Dumb...
I need wide, wide, wide.

Dumb...
turd!

Dumb...
turd!

Dumb turd! Dumb turd!

Turd!
Turd! That's it, I'm done.

Thank you.

Would you get those
damn birds out of your hair?

Larry!

Camera one. Back to Roger
and reset. Take one!

Thank you, "Charlie Burnz."
No, no! Charlie Burnz.

Sorry. I'll work on it.

That's the news of the night--
of the night.

The news of the--

I guess I'm a dumb turd.

Thank you...

Good night.

And we're clear!

What was that?

What the hell was that?

What the hell was that?

Charlie, what was that?
That was hilarious.

The schmuck can't get a name right.

Really inspired idea, Charlie.

Oh, my God, Charlie.
That is live television.

Charlie, why didn't you tell me?

I haven't told my kids yet.
I bet they know now. We're live.

My fault. I should not
have gone back in there.

I'm so stupid. I'm just
so stupid. It's my fault!

Stupid? What are you talking about?
Everyone loved it.

When did you think of this?
Comes to me all the time.

Every second, it doesn't stop.

That's why it was so good.
It was so real.

Holy shit, you guys.
Twitter is blowing up.

They love you, Charlie.
They love the grumpy writer

who can't bear to see his words mangled.

They think you're funny, man.
Funny? Funny?

Saying I'll be back in a few minutes

and never seeing that person again is funny?

Charlie, what--?
It's not funny!

- How can that be funny?
- Are you Charlie Burnz?

Charlie Burnz.

Mr. Burnz?

I'm Charlie Burnz.

Don't tell me that something's wrong.

Charlie?

Charlie?

Nothing's wrong. It's okay.
You're all right, Charlie.

Hey, come back to my office.

Lie down for a little bit.
Yeah?

I'm so tired.

It's okay. It's okay.

Come on.
I'm really tired.

It's all right. It's all right.

- Until tonight, he's been fine.
- Yeah.

Sometimes he's just great.

You'd never know he had a problem.

And then it'll just hit him,
but nothing like this.

I had no idea.

It's our secret.
Our?

Nobody else knows?
No.

Well, we have a problem.

Social media has blown up.
They love it.

Everybody is asking, "Who is this guy?"

They want him back next week.

I know it's gone viral.
Yeah.

You know, I'm very nervous
about what people--

We need to post something right away.

Twitter, Instagram.

Sorry to interrupt.
I just overheard.

Darrell, come on.
Let me do it, please.

I know what to say.

Okay. Good.

I have to run it by the network.
Okay.

Uh, this is Charlie's friend Emma.

This is Darrell,
he works with Charlie.

Hi.
Nice to meet you.

I'll get started.

What a night.

Okay, Charlie. There's the car.

Go ahead and get in.
Okay.

Yeah?
Yeah, I got it.

Thanks.
Hey, Charlie.

Yeah?
I just wanted to say good night

and make sure you're okay.

Thank you.
Yeah.

Hey, I, um--

I posted that:

"Tonight, Charlie Burnz
showed why he's a comedy legend

when he gave a hilarious
one-time-only performance

as a disgruntled writer.

Thank YOU, Charlie.

The crew and cast of This Just In.

Hashtag 'dumb turd.'"

And I put the "you" in all caps

so it was the wrong inflection.

Thanks, kid.

Good night, Charlie.

You know, Darrell here

is gonna be a terrific
writer someday.

I don't know.

I do.

I'll see you, kid.

This is a scan of your brain in February.

And this is the one we just took.

They look the same to me.

Yes, but your symptoms are changing.

If I'm right, you may have
a form of dementia

called Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.

What do you mean, if you're right?

Only way to get a definitive
diagnosis of CJD is...

a post-mortem autopsy.

Well...

why don't we do that now?

I mean, I have a lunch,
but I could cancel that.

What happens next?

There are other medications
than the ones you're on now...

that could slow this down a bit,

but before too long...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

"Before too long" is how long?

A year, maybe.

You probably wanna start
thinking about a caregiver.

A nurse?

Yes, or your family.

Your son and daughter.
Well...

that's not happening.

In times like this, you should
be surrounded by loved ones,

or professionals who are
trained to care for you.

Uh, I'll do it.
I'll take care of Charlie.

No, you can't.
You're going away.

My plans have changed.

No. No, they haven't changed.

She's in a band and they're
supposed to go on tour.

Nah, I don't need to do that.
No. Yes, you do.

She does need to do that.

May I ask what your relationship is?

I don't know.
I don't know.

How long have you known each other?

I'm guessing about six months or so.

Are you boyfriend and girlfriend?

Are we?

How would you define
boyfriend and girlfriend?

Well, are you having sexual relations?

We spooned.

Charlie...

what about your kids?

I honestly don't know
if they've ever spooned.

Charlie.

This is no time for jokes.
Yes, it is.

It's the perfect time for jokes,
goddamn it.

Don't try to take away my sense of humor.

I'd rather die right now.

Boy, this God...
this God is a real jokester, isn't he?

What a really funny God.

"Hey, live your whole life

and you won't remember any of it."

Fuck you!

Damn it.
It's gonna be okay.

How can this be okay?

How can this be okay?

My kids don't know anything.

I'll tell them at the right time.

Charlie.

This is the right time.

You can't be alone anymore.

I'll take care of him till I can't.

I'll write you some prescriptions.

I'll let the two of you be alone a bit.

What the hell is wrong with you?
What?

There's nothing wrong with me.
You're not staying.

Yes, I am.
No, you're not.

You heard what the doc said.
It's over, okay?

That's it.
Please, leave me alone!

Charlie.
Don't "Charlie" me!

You have a life!
You have your music, so run.

Run for the hills, kid.
It's over.

I'm telling you, it's over.
Please, I just wanna be alone!

I'm not going anywhere.
I don't want you to stay!

You hear me?
What are you staying for?

What's here?
What's gonna be left? Nothing!

That's not true, Charlie.

I'm lost. I'm--

Help, help, help. I'm lost.

I'm so-- I'm so lost.

I'm sorry, pal. But I'm in.

You wanna be with a stranger?

Pretty soon everyone's gonna be a stranger.

Not me.

I'm not gonna leave you.

Thank you.

Mm.

Hi.

Whose room did this used to be?

Francine's.

That explains the chill.

Something wrong?

I can't sleep.

What's up?

I wrote something.
That's good.

I wanna read it to you.
Okay.

This is my journal.

I've been writing stuff for the book in it

because typing has become a problem for me.

I know.

The book is called For Carrie.
This is the dedication.

A writer always dedicates
the book to somebody he loves--

I know what it means.
Okay.

"To Emma Payge.

Thank you for taking my truth

and making it more interesting.

I kind of love you. CB."

I kind of love you too, old man.

Oh. Really?

Yeah. Big-time.

Didn't see that coming.

You make me smile.

Good night.

Good night.

Hey, Emma.

I'm grateful to you that you're here.

I wanna have fun. I wanna laugh.

I want to not be scared.
And I wanna write the book,

and I wanna do all of that with you.

But you have to promise me something.

When it's time...

you go back out and sing.

You're an artist,
and that's what you should do.

Please, promise me.

I promise.

Good.

I'm a bargain for 22 bucks,
don't you think?

Heh. Hell, yeah.

Good night.
Good night.

Oh.

I must've dozed off.

These new meds are making me very sleepy.

I haven't taken a nap
since the Carter administration.

What do you have there?
Nothing.

Let me see.

It...

It's that--
Emma, I know what it is.

I know you said get rid of it,

but it's just so beautiful.

Give it to me.

Carrie painted this. Yeah.

See, she put her name in the bushes.

See there? In the trees.
Mm-hm.

This is Lake Charlie.

Lake Charlie. Where's that?

That's about two hours
north of the city. Yeah.

Carrie gave me a lake for my birthday.

A lake?

Yeah. It was actually a pond.

But Pond Charlie didn't sound
as good as Lake Charlie, heh.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
What?

Tell me all about Lake Charlie.

Okay.

It was my 40th birthday.

Happy birthday, Charlie Burnz.

- Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday, Charlie.

We had a party outside in the garden.

And after everybody was gone...

Carrie shows me this photograph
of this woodsy area

with this beautiful lake on it.

Happy birthday, Charlie Burnz.
This is for you.

For me? What is this?
What am I looking at?

It's called Lake Charlie.
Lake Charlie?

She was always
trying to get me to stop working.

And just be alone with her and do nothing.

And honestly the thought of doing nothing

terrified me, you know?

But I loved it so much
and it meant so much to her

that we'd go up there, you know,
and camp out, like, in a tent.

Can you imagine me in a tent?

I mean, to me,
the great outdoors

would be a lot better if it was indoors.

Good morning!

That smells good.
Smells better than me.

Mm.

Wow--
Whoa! Look what you did.

Hey, Charlie?
Yeah?

You know what I think?
What?

I think we need a house.
A house?

Yeah.
The kids will love it up here.

What? Kids?
Didn't I tell you?

And that's how she told me
she was pregnant with Rex.

So she went looking for a house.

Wait, didn't you guys build a house?

Oh, no, that's way too easy for Carrie.

She scoured the countryside,
found this little house,

she bought it, lifted it up,

put it on a flatbed truck and
she drove it to Lake Charlie.

Got a house, Charlie Burnz!

Thank you.

So we put in a new foundation,

plopped the house down on it,
renovated it,

painted it up,
made it a little bit bigger.

Mm-hm. It was our happy place.

Dad, come on! Let's go play.
Daddy, come on!

And she was right.
Daddy, come on.

Are you playing or not?

The kids loved it.

Aw. Now I know why you
didn't wanna hang the picture.

No, you don't.

I'm tired. I can't talk anymore.

Come on, Charlie. Please?
Don't take this with you.

I'm not going anywhere yet.

Okay. My first Broadway play,
It's My Time,

it opened at the Belasco Theatre.

Reviews were terrific,
business was great,

but that wasn't enough for me.

The star was an actor named Jerry Orbach,

and there was this one speech
late in the second act.

It never landed right.
It drove me crazy.

All I wanted was one show
that was just perfect.

Things were tense...

between the two of us.

I'd been working so much.
What are we doing?

I'd been on the road for four months

with the play before it came to Broadway.

Everybody was looking forward
to spending some time together

at Lake Charlie,
and what was I doing?

I was rewriting a play
that was already a hit.

Charlie, we have to go right now.

Traffic's gonna be awful.

I don't like driving in the dark.

My mom's got the kids there waiting.

We should have left an hour ago.

I had to rewrite a speech for Jerry.

It wasn't landing right.
Oh. Great. Okay.

That's just great.
He's reading it.

I wanna make sure it's okay with him.

Oh. You wanna make sure
it's okay with him?

With him?
How about with me?

How about with the kids,
who you haven't seen for months?

You promised me.
You promised us.

Stop yelling.
Five minutes, I promise.

I'll be right in and right out.
The kids are waiting.

I understand. I'll be right out.
The people are in line,

the show goes up in an hour.
Five minutes?

Yeah. Yeah.
I know you're upset,

but I hate when you get like this.

If you're not back in five minutes,

I'm leaving without you.
I heard you, okay? I heard you.

Goddamn it.

It took 15 minutes.
When I came out, she was gone.

I was angry.
So I watched the show,

that damn speech still didn't land right.

I had a couple drinks with Jerry

and then I came back here...

And the next thing I remember
is flashing lights.

And a policeman in the doorway

asking me my name over and over again.

And I'm thinking if I don't answer him,

then maybe what he's about
to tell me didn't happen.

He told me Carrie was driving

on this dark road right near the house.

She came to this fork in the road...

and some kid loaded on pills

driving a Jeep ran the stop sign.

And he hit her head-on.

She died instantly.

Kid walked away without a scratch.

The last time I saw that beautiful face,

she was mad at me.

That's why I can't look at
that picture anymore.

It makes me remember
the one thing I want to forget.

I'm sorry.

Me too.

Need anything from the store?
Um... Wonton soup.

I'd like to shampoo my hair.
It's getting a little greasy--

Charlie.What?

I'm just kidding. I'm okay.

I promise. Thanks.
Good.

Hey, I was thinking, you know
what we could do someday?

It could be fun. Um...

Ever been to Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum?

You ever been there?
It's a lot of fun.

It's pretty amazing what they do.

Okay. Sure.

You're back already?
Okay. Coming, coming, coming.

- Hi!
- Hi.

Come on in. Come on in.
This is a surprise.

What's the matter?
You look very upset. What's wrong?

I had a fight with my mom.
Oh.

She said you were drunk and embarrassing.

I said you could never be.
You were funny on the show.

Why does she keep you away from me?
She said something awful.

Does she know where you are?
She thinks I'm at school.

How did you get here?
Uber.

We should tell her you're here.
No!

She'll be so mad at me.
But, Lindsay...

Please. I just have to know if it's true.

Is what true?

She said it was because of you
that I don't have a grandma.

She said that to you?

No. I overheard her
on the phone with Uncle Rex.

No, Lindsay, no.

Okay.

Lindsay never made it to school, Rex.

She used my Uber account,
and guess where she took it to.

Charlie, I got your wonton soup,

but the chef said that you need
to use extra conditioner...

Charlie!

I got some short ribs.
They'll be so good.

Charlie?

Charlie?
Charlie!

Where are you, old man?
Charlie, stop playing.

Hey. Where is she?

How'd you get in here?
We grew up here. Where is she?

Who?
My daughter Lindsay.

And our father. Where's our dad?
Lindsay!

Dad!
Nobody's here.

I just got home myself.

Home?
Do you live here?

I moved in a few days ago.
Oh, lovely.

Your dad needs me right now.
I bet he does.

You might want to rethink
your attitude, Francine.

What is this?
What is all this about?

That's research for a project
he's working on.

With our names under the pictures?

He doesn't know who we are?
Not all the time.

Your father's sick.

He has a form of dementia.
And it's getting worse.

He can't be alone anymore.

That's why I moved in, Francine.

I'm his friend. He's writing
a book about your family

and I'm helping him finish it.

I can't believe this.
We had no idea.

That's because you're too busy
being pissed at him.

Pretty soon, before you know it,
he's not gonna know who you are.

But you'll remember him.

He's done a very good job
of beating himself up

without you guys piling on.

You were very happy once.

It can happen again if you let it.

How do we find them?

I put a GPS on his phone.

Okay.
Let me see.

No. No, no, no.
It's here. It's here.

Where the hell are they?
Damn.

Oh. If she's still using my
Uber account, we can find them.

I cannot believe this.

Hey, hey, hey. What's wrong?

Longer trip than I thought.

You give five star.
I accept nothing less.

Is this the best way to go?

This is all my fault. She overheard
what I said to you on the phone.

We got in a fight about--
She heard that?

Yes. I know. I'm sorry, okay?

What if he does something crazy?
What's he gonna do, Francine?

What's gonna happen?

I don't know.
He loves Lindsay.

Nothing will happen.

How can you be so sure?

I know him.

Papa! Where are you going?
Come back!

Please stop!
Hey, what about my five stars?!

Oh, God!

Lindsay, honey, are you okay?

Papa Charlie ran away!

He told the driver to pull over,

jumped out of the car and ran.

I'm scared. I'm in the woods.

Lindsay, don't worry.
Look around. Can you see anything?

I can see the road.
Go there. Go to the road.

We're gonna find you.

Mom! Mom!

Lindsay!

Sweetheart.

Come on, baby girl.

Oh, my God, Rex.
I know. Let's find him.

Dad?

Papa Charlie?
Dad?

- Charlie?
- Papa Charlie?

No, Dad. No. Please, Dad.
Dad?

- Charlie?
- Dad?

Charlie!

Papa Charlie!

Charlie!

- Dad!
- Charlie!

- Dad!
- Dad?

Charlie!
Papa Charlie!

- Dad! Dad!
- Charlie!

Dad!
Papa Charlie, where are you?

Charlie!

Charlie.

Oh, hey.

Hey. Hey.
Hey.

Hey. You okay?
My feet are wet.

Mine are too.

Are you okay? You look so upset.

I'm just happy to see you.

Dad.

What are you doing here?

Hi.
Uh...

Well, I wanted to show Lindsay Lake Charlie.

This was our happy place.

See, with sunsets, we'd stand right here.

And-- And we'd watch the sun go down there

and, "Bye-bye, sun.
Bye-bye, sun."

Somebody would say that.

That was me, Dad.

I said that.
Yeah.

Mm-hm.

I'm sorry about your mother.
No.

Dad, you don't have to--
No, I have to. I have to, Rex.

Let me finish, because
I'm running out of words.

Francine,
I was not the reason your mom died.

That kid who ran the stop sign
was the reason your mom died.

And I adored her so much.
I loved your mother so much.

And she died mad at me.

Dad.

I can't leave here knowing
that you're mad at me too.

I can't undo it.
I can't undo it.

There's no rewrites this time.

Come on. Relax.
Relax your hands.

No more fists.
Relax your hands.

Dad. Why didn't you tell us?

Because I didn't know how.

And I was scared.

Of what?

That maybe you wouldn't care.

Oh, Dad.

Forgive me. Please.

Forgive me so I can forgive myself.

Because the sight of your
angry eyes keeps me up at night

and gives me the sweats,
and there's no more time for that.

There's no more time.
I'm here today.

Daddy, I'm so sorry.

Franny, it's okay. It's okay.
I understand. I understand.

I love you, Pop.
Oh!

- I love you.
- Is there room for me?

Come here, sweetie.
I love you too, you know?

Emma. Emma.
Come here.

Oh, God.
What a long time between hugs.

Mom was always
inventing days for the kids.

Kids loved "Backwards Day" the best.

We'd have dinner for breakfast
and breakfast for dinner.

No, Pop.
It was "Upside-down Day."

Upside-down day.
God, I loved that.

We'd have cake for breakfast.

Can we do that?
Yeah.

Will you do it with us,
Papa Charlie and Emma?

Absolutely.
Yeah, sure. Anything for you.

Is it upside-down day?
Yeah. Upside-down day.

I got it.
Upside-down day is great.

- Yeah?
- This'll be really good.

Okay.

Huh.

Hey, Rex, um--
Oh, tell them the story

about when Dad was barbecuing outside,

he was making all these
hot dogs and a bear came.

Oh, heh-heh!
That's a really good story.

Okay, I think it was July 4th?
Uh-huh. Dad loves 4th of July.

It's beautiful here.

Mm-hm.

Are you okay?

I'm here.

♪ Well, I've seen love go by my door ♪

♪ It's never been this close before ♪

♪ Never been so easy or so slow ♪

♪ I've been shootin' in the dark too long ♪

♪ When something's not right it's wrong ♪

♪ You're gonna make me lonesome
When you go ♪

♪ Dragon clouds so high above ♪

♪ I've only known careless love... ♪

Come on. Sun's going down.

It's going. Come on,
he's not gonna wait for us.

♪ Right on target, so direct ♪

♪ You're gonna make me lonesome... ♪

Come on. Don't wanna miss it.

Wow. This gonna be a beauty.

- Oh, look at that. Wow.
- It's so beautiful.

Wow.

Yeah.

♪ Blue river ♪

♪ Running slow and lazy ♪

♪ I could stay with you forever
And never realize the time ♪

♪ Situations have ended sad ♪

♪ Relationships have all been bad ♪

♪ Mine have been like
Verlaine and Rimbaud ♪

♪ But there's no way I can compare ♪

♪ All those scenes to this affair ♪

♪ You're gonna make me
Lonesome when you go ♪

♪ I'll look for you in old Honolulu ♪

♪ San Francisco or Ashtabula ♪

♪ You're gonna have to leave me
Now I know ♪

♪ But I'll see you in the sky above ♪

Bye-bye, sun.

♪ In the tall grass ♪

♪ In the ones I love ♪

♪ You're gonna make me ♪

♪ Lonesome when you go ♪

♪ You're gonna make me
Lonesome when you go ♪

♪ You're gonna make me
Very, very lonesome ♪

♪ When you go ♪

Goodbye, old man.