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1
00:00:01,479 --> 00:00:03,699
♪
2
00:00:03,742 --> 00:00:08,095
Mom, I notice lately you're
putting tilapia in every dish.
3
00:00:08,138 --> 00:00:10,053
Even the ice cream
has fish bones in it.
4
00:00:10,097 --> 00:00:11,533
I 'unno. I dig it.
5
00:00:13,056 --> 00:00:16,059
Welp, gotta go.
Got a date with the library.
6
00:00:16,103 --> 00:00:19,019
Gotta get my read on!
7
00:00:19,062 --> 00:00:20,672
We believe you, honey.
8
00:00:20,716 --> 00:00:22,544
Peace!
9
00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:26,852
There's no wayyyy Mom's reading
at the library every night.
10
00:00:26,896 --> 00:00:28,376
She won't even go
to a restaurant
11
00:00:28,419 --> 00:00:30,117
if it doesn't have
a picture menu.
12
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,815
Of course she's not
actually at the library!
13
00:00:32,858 --> 00:00:34,686
She knows I could
never smooch a bookworm,
14
00:00:34,730 --> 00:00:36,340
let alone do it with one.
15
00:00:36,384 --> 00:00:38,908
I got twenty says Mom's
actually been sneaking
16
00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:42,085
her pet orangutan into the zoo
after hours so it can get laid.
17
00:00:42,129 --> 00:00:44,324
Well, this, of course, hinges
on my other long-standing theory
18
00:00:44,348 --> 00:00:46,655
that Mom has
a secret pet orangutan.
19
00:00:46,698 --> 00:00:50,093
Ben Frank says she's sneakin'
off to be a Patch Adams.
20
00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:53,488
Going to hospitals and goofing
off to get those uptight doctors
21
00:00:53,531 --> 00:00:55,446
to stop taking themselves
so seriously.
22
00:00:55,490 --> 00:00:59,102
Guys, I need to get
something off my chest.
23
00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:03,193
I'm... struggling
with depression.
24
00:01:03,237 --> 00:01:05,021
I'm in the darkest place
I've ever been...
25
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:08,546
Ooh, ooh! I have a fiver says
Francine is carrying buckets.
26
00:01:08,590 --> 00:01:10,374
Maybe down a road...
27
00:01:10,418 --> 00:01:13,943
or at a...
bucket... factory.
28
00:01:13,986 --> 00:01:15,771
Super interesting.
29
00:01:15,814 --> 00:01:17,425
But didn't you have the CIA
30
00:01:17,468 --> 00:01:19,601
put a tracking device
on Mom's car?
31
00:01:19,644 --> 00:01:21,013
That's so I can know where
your mom is at all times
32
00:01:21,037 --> 00:01:22,821
so I can control her.
33
00:01:22,865 --> 00:01:25,389
But I don't want to use it
for other, twisted reasons.
34
00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:27,609
But isn't this wanting to know
35
00:01:27,652 --> 00:01:29,480
where she is
so you can control her?
36
00:01:29,524 --> 00:01:32,135
No, no, it's not.
Oh, wait! Yeah, it is!
37
00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:34,703
- [phone clicking]
- [gasps]
38
00:01:34,746 --> 00:01:38,533
The tracker confirms
Francine's at the... library!
39
00:01:38,576 --> 00:01:42,624
[suspenseful chord strikes]
40
00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:47,585
- Hi, Jolene.
- Hey, Francine!
41
00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:49,848
Oh, I put some new
reading materials
42
00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:51,241
in the restroom for you.
43
00:01:52,460 --> 00:01:53,852
[fart squeaks]
44
00:01:53,896 --> 00:01:55,985
- Did you say something?
- I said...
45
00:01:56,028 --> 00:01:57,465
[squeaking] thanks!
46
00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:01,643
[patriotic music plays]
47
00:02:01,686 --> 00:02:04,515
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
48
00:02:04,559 --> 00:02:08,302
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
49
00:02:08,345 --> 00:02:11,566
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
50
00:02:11,609 --> 00:02:15,396
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
51
00:02:17,528 --> 00:02:20,923
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
52
00:02:20,966 --> 00:02:23,055
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
53
00:02:23,099 --> 00:02:24,144
Aah!
54
00:02:25,754 --> 00:02:29,018
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
55
00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:35,633
I can't believe this!
Francine's a bookworm!
56
00:02:35,677 --> 00:02:39,028
We're not a family of nerds!
We're a family of jocks!
57
00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:41,509
Except for... Steve.
58
00:02:41,552 --> 00:02:42,771
You did this!
59
00:02:42,814 --> 00:02:44,294
Look!
He's got glasses, Stan!
60
00:02:44,338 --> 00:02:45,991
Knock 'em off!
Knock 'em off!
61
00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:49,386
Mom's the one at the library!
I like TV!
62
00:02:49,430 --> 00:02:51,214
T-That's what
the glasses are for!
63
00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:53,999
Oh, Francine! This isn't
how it's supposed to be!
64
00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:55,827
We were going to
grow old together!
65
00:02:55,871 --> 00:02:57,655
And then I would be
the first to die,
66
00:02:57,699 --> 00:03:01,311
she would mourn me for 17 months
and start dating Jackson.
67
00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:03,792
That was the plan!
Did she forget the plan?!
68
00:03:03,835 --> 00:03:06,447
We can't do the plan
if she's a bookworm!
69
00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:09,624
I gotta go down to that library!
70
00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,843
KLAUS:
Goodbye, cruel world.
71
00:03:14,150 --> 00:03:16,326
I just tried to drown myself.
72
00:03:18,154 --> 00:03:20,069
[sniffs]
73
00:03:20,112 --> 00:03:23,725
Smell like Totino pizza roll.
74
00:03:23,768 --> 00:03:25,509
This Steve turd.
75
00:03:29,296 --> 00:03:31,298
Rogu, we have a pool.
76
00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:35,171
Rogu collect doo-doo data.
77
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,608
As a parent, I'm mad,
but as a scientist,
78
00:03:37,652 --> 00:03:39,610
my instinct
is to encourage this.
79
00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:43,005
Rogu missing one doody, though.
80
00:03:43,048 --> 00:03:45,529
Francine.
81
00:03:45,573 --> 00:03:47,705
Really?
Francine's super regular.
82
00:03:47,749 --> 00:03:50,882
She always used to poop
right after dinner.
83
00:03:50,926 --> 00:03:53,885
Francine's not going to
the library to read words!
84
00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:55,670
She's going there
to leave turds!
85
00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:57,062
But why?
86
00:03:57,106 --> 00:03:58,673
Who cares?
87
00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:02,242
I know someone who would care
quite a bit.
88
00:04:03,895 --> 00:04:06,550
Sherlock Groans, poop detective!
89
00:04:06,594 --> 00:04:08,073
I gotta get to the library
90
00:04:08,117 --> 00:04:10,989
to solve the case
of the displaced doo-doo.
91
00:04:11,033 --> 00:04:13,949
Otherwise my nemesis Nancy Poo
might beat me to it
92
00:04:13,992 --> 00:04:16,081
or, worse, the Farty Boys.
93
00:04:16,125 --> 00:04:18,127
So you can see
how serious this is, Rogu.
94
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:19,476
Yes.
95
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:22,827
Time is of the ass-scents.
96
00:04:22,871 --> 00:04:25,830
Ah. Good one!
Daddy's proud.
97
00:04:25,874 --> 00:04:28,268
But not too much.
I'm kind of the star here.
98
00:04:28,616 --> 00:04:31,532
♪
99
00:04:31,575 --> 00:04:33,229
- ROGER: Ah-ha!
- Aah!
100
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,536
What are you doing?!
101
00:04:35,579 --> 00:04:37,059
What are you doing?
102
00:04:37,102 --> 00:04:38,626
Sorry. I-I-I know
what you're doing.
103
00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:41,716
But... But why?
But also, hi!
104
00:04:41,759 --> 00:04:44,632
Please tell me my wife
isn't really here!
105
00:04:44,675 --> 00:04:45,981
Hm, what does she look like?
106
00:04:46,024 --> 00:04:47,330
She's got the hair.
107
00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:49,637
Uh, couple little feet.
108
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,465
- Does she have the boobs?
- Yes!
109
00:04:51,508 --> 00:04:53,249
[chuckling]
Ohh! Francine!
110
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,772
She's in the bathroom.
111
00:04:54,816 --> 00:04:58,689
Thank God! Maybe I can
stop her before she reads.
112
00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:01,518
Mystery fans everywhere
need to know.
113
00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:04,739
Why are you coming to
the library to do your business?
114
00:05:04,782 --> 00:05:07,132
- I don't want to talk about it!
- Come on!
115
00:05:07,176 --> 00:05:10,310
I got dressed up in my Sherlock
Groans outfit and everything!
116
00:05:10,353 --> 00:05:11,659
It's embarrassing.
117
00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:13,138
Uh, which part? The hat?
118
00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:15,227
Or, like, this little cape
on my shoulders?
119
00:05:15,271 --> 00:05:16,794
- [pounding on door]
- STAN: Francine!
120
00:05:16,838 --> 00:05:19,144
- Are you in there?
- Is that Stan?
121
00:05:19,188 --> 00:05:22,365
Yeah, he's on some jock mission
to not let you read like a nerd.
122
00:05:22,409 --> 00:05:27,152
Francine, we need to talk
about how you're... a reader.
123
00:05:27,196 --> 00:05:29,720
- Told ya.
- Stan can't know I come here to poop!
124
00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:32,201
Maybe...
hide me in the toilet?
125
00:05:32,244 --> 00:05:34,508
Are you kidding? That's
the first place he'll look!
126
00:05:34,551 --> 00:05:36,553
Remember? That's
the first place I looked.
127
00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:38,555
Damn it, Francine!
I'm slowly building up
128
00:05:38,599 --> 00:05:40,165
the courage to enter
the women's room!
129
00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:41,906
You gotta hide me!
130
00:05:41,950 --> 00:05:44,169
I could use my alien powers
131
00:05:44,213 --> 00:05:45,910
to place us in one
of these stories.
132
00:05:45,954 --> 00:05:48,217
- You can do that?!
- You know it!
133
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:50,151
- [pounding on door]
- But I've never done it before,
134
00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:51,873
so it could be highly risky.
135
00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:54,658
It could also be smooth sailing.
Lots of variables here.
136
00:05:54,702 --> 00:05:56,530
I'm a poop detective,
not a book scientist.
137
00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,183
Roger, put me in the damn book!
138
00:05:58,227 --> 00:06:00,185
How 'bout we take a trip
to the ballroom?
139
00:06:00,229 --> 00:06:02,449
That sounds fun.
140
00:06:02,492 --> 00:06:04,102
Francine?
141
00:06:05,713 --> 00:06:09,151
[echoing] Francine!
142
00:06:09,194 --> 00:06:11,196
Did I say that out loud?
143
00:06:12,546 --> 00:06:13,895
Where the hell did she go?
144
00:06:13,938 --> 00:06:16,811
♪
145
00:06:16,854 --> 00:06:18,421
[whoosh]
146
00:06:18,465 --> 00:06:21,816
[indistinct conversations,
piano playing softly]
147
00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:26,168
Oh, my God! It worked!
[chuckles] We escaped!
148
00:06:26,211 --> 00:06:28,910
Oh, this kind of ballroom.
149
00:06:28,953 --> 00:06:32,217
Someone stole this
poor woman's clothes!
150
00:06:32,261 --> 00:06:34,350
I can see her ankles!
151
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,743
Perhaps she's a prostitute.
152
00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:37,788
I'm not a prostitute!
153
00:06:37,832 --> 00:06:40,443
For the right amount of money,
anyone's a prostitute.
154
00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:42,706
That's, like, Being Alive 101.
155
00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:47,102
She's so exotic!
She must be Italian!
156
00:06:47,145 --> 00:06:49,539
That's correctamundo.
157
00:06:49,583 --> 00:06:51,454
A-Lisa Lampanelli.
158
00:06:51,498 --> 00:06:53,935
Ooh! Please!
Sing us a song!
159
00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:56,459
Italy has the most
wonderful music.
160
00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,156
Follow my lead.
161
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,985
♪ When the moon ♪
162
00:07:01,029 --> 00:07:03,248
- ♪ Hits your eye ♪
- ♪ Hits your eye ♪
163
00:07:03,292 --> 00:07:05,618
- ♪ Like a big pizza pie ♪
- ♪ He's a big pizza guy... pie! ♪
164
00:07:05,642 --> 00:07:08,036
- ♪ That's amore! ♪
- ♪ Tuesdays with Morrie! ♪
165
00:07:08,079 --> 00:07:10,430
[applause]
166
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,345
[classical music playing]
167
00:07:13,389 --> 00:07:16,218
♪
168
00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:19,656
So... I guess we just hang out
in Pride and Prejudice
169
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:22,790
until Stan gives up and stops
searching the library for me?
170
00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:24,922
Yeah, about that...
Since I helped you escape,
171
00:07:24,966 --> 00:07:27,359
you gotta tell me
why you poop at the library.
172
00:07:27,403 --> 00:07:28,752
[sighs]
173
00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:30,537
It's because of what happened
174
00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:33,496
two years ago
on our flight to Maui.
175
00:07:33,540 --> 00:07:37,152
I had the barbacoa tacos
from Taco King before takeoff,
176
00:07:37,195 --> 00:07:40,155
and it ripped through me
at 10,000 feet.
177
00:07:40,198 --> 00:07:43,941
I was locked in the lavatory
for a solid hour.
178
00:07:43,985 --> 00:07:46,596
Fortunately, Stan was watching
Son of the Mask,
179
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,337
so he didn't notice I was gone.
180
00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:50,252
Okay, so you had diarrhea
on a plane.
181
00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:52,167
I don't understand
the embarrassment.
182
00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:54,212
My mom always told me
183
00:07:54,256 --> 00:07:56,824
to preserve some mystery
in marriage.
184
00:07:56,867 --> 00:07:59,740
Your mom who shaves her
bikini line at the hotel pool?
185
00:07:59,783 --> 00:08:01,524
Just let me say...
186
00:08:01,568 --> 00:08:05,833
not all plane accidents
involve a crash.
187
00:08:05,876 --> 00:08:10,054
After I dropped that stink bomb,
it was bad.
188
00:08:10,098 --> 00:08:13,057
It was "emergency land the plane
189
00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:15,843
because it stinks so bad" bad.
190
00:08:15,886 --> 00:08:17,845
- No!
- In Omaha.
191
00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:19,542
- No!
- [glass shatters]
192
00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:22,327
I've never seen Stan so upset.
193
00:08:22,371 --> 00:08:24,155
He swore he wouldn't rest
194
00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:26,723
until he found out
who was responsible.
195
00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:29,378
I've been so afraid
that he'd find out it was me,
196
00:08:29,421 --> 00:08:32,163
I've just been avoiding
our bathroom altogether.
197
00:08:32,207 --> 00:08:34,035
I smashed my champagne flute
for drama,
198
00:08:34,078 --> 00:08:35,732
but I'm having regrets.
199
00:08:35,776 --> 00:08:37,081
Are you listening to me?
200
00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:38,996
I can listen and miss
my champagne
201
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:40,737
at the same time, Francine.
202
00:08:40,781 --> 00:08:44,175
Ahem! I'm not sure how people
do things in Italy,
203
00:08:44,219 --> 00:08:48,092
but here in England,
we don't discuss diarrhea.
204
00:08:48,136 --> 00:08:50,181
- [smack!]
- Don't say that word!
205
00:08:50,225 --> 00:08:52,575
They said it!
I was just repeating it!
206
00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,316
This is an outrage!
207
00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:56,318
I was falling in love
with Miss Bennett!
208
00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:59,669
Oh, Darcy!
My heart overflows!
209
00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:01,584
But now that
I've heard discussions,
210
00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:05,196
here in England,
of Italian diarrhea,
211
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:09,026
I've been tempted by the lures
of obscene foreign delights.
212
00:09:09,070 --> 00:09:10,811
Off to Italy!
213
00:09:10,854 --> 00:09:13,988
Wow. First, he thinks
I don't have enough money.
214
00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:16,468
And now I don't have
enough diarrhea?
215
00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:18,862
What do men even want?
216
00:09:18,906 --> 00:09:21,822
These two ruined everything!
217
00:09:21,865 --> 00:09:23,998
- Kill the Italians!
- [shing!]
218
00:09:24,041 --> 00:09:25,782
[partygoers shouting]
219
00:09:25,826 --> 00:09:28,002
♪
220
00:09:28,045 --> 00:09:30,787
Where'd they go?
Why aren't they following us?
221
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:32,354
I took us into a new book,
222
00:09:32,397 --> 00:09:34,530
whatever was under
Pride and Prejudice.
223
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:37,620
The books have to be touching
for me to take us into them.
224
00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:40,623
Looks like
we're in a Dr. Seuss.
225
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,277
Is that a Lorax?
226
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,018
I do beg your pardon,
227
00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:46,847
but you appear to be
trespassing in my study.
228
00:09:46,890 --> 00:09:50,285
Ohh! Sherlock Holmes! Roger,
that's, like, your thing.
229
00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:52,809
Sherlock Groans,
at your service.
230
00:09:52,853 --> 00:09:55,899
Sherlock Holmes, at yourservice.
231
00:09:55,943 --> 00:09:57,118
And me?
232
00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:59,642
Still good ol' Francine!
233
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:01,644
[ding!]
234
00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:03,646
[insects chirping]
235
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:06,388
Damn it!
Francine's not a nerd.
236
00:10:06,431 --> 00:10:09,043
How could she like...
Jane Austen?
237
00:10:09,086 --> 00:10:12,655
Maybe if it was
Jane Austen Powers, bay-bee,
238
00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,526
then I'd get the appeal.
239
00:10:14,570 --> 00:10:16,528
I wish I could get rid
of all these dumb things.
240
00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:18,661
I think I can help you.
241
00:10:18,705 --> 00:10:20,184
But you're a librarian.
242
00:10:20,228 --> 00:10:21,795
Aren't books, like, your thing?
243
00:10:21,838 --> 00:10:23,579
Oh, I like books.
244
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,189
[ominous music plays]
245
00:10:25,233 --> 00:10:28,323
[hushed] But I'm married
to the flame.
246
00:10:28,366 --> 00:10:30,934
♪
247
00:10:30,978 --> 00:10:33,676
So, you've gotta tell me...
what's with the little cape?
248
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,112
You're not a superhero.
249
00:10:35,156 --> 00:10:37,288
You're right!
It's ridiculous!
250
00:10:37,332 --> 00:10:41,336
Why I wear it is the only
mystery I could never solve.
251
00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:43,947
Would you two shut up?!
Roger, take us home!
252
00:10:43,991 --> 00:10:45,185
That'd be great,
wouldn't it, Francine?
253
00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:46,689
If we could just go back?
254
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:48,386
Are you saying
we can't go back?!
255
00:10:48,430 --> 00:10:50,388
Maybe.
I just don't know how.
256
00:10:50,432 --> 00:10:52,608
I told you.
This is my first time.
257
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,306
Holmes! Holmes!
The library's on fire!
258
00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:57,787
Check it out.
It's Dr. Watson.
259
00:10:57,831 --> 00:10:59,789
Two Sherlocks?
260
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:02,400
How do I know
which one to shoot?
261
00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:03,769
Why do you need
to shoot either of us?
262
00:11:03,793 --> 00:11:04,838
Him! Him!
263
00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:06,709
- [gunshot]
- [groans]
264
00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:09,016
Hey!
I'm Sherlock Groans.
265
00:11:09,059 --> 00:11:11,148
♪
266
00:11:11,192 --> 00:11:14,499
FRANCINE: Pride and Prejudice:
A Diarrhea Adventure?
267
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:17,546
Roger! I think
we changed the book!
268
00:11:17,589 --> 00:11:20,723
It sounds like we made it
absolutely hilarious, frankly.
269
00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:23,552
But stop wasting time!
There's a fire!
270
00:11:23,595 --> 00:11:26,337
- [whimsical music plays]
- Is this Alice in Wonderland?
271
00:11:26,381 --> 00:11:29,166
Ooh! I've always wondered
what he's smoking.
272
00:11:29,210 --> 00:11:30,777
[inhales deeply]
273
00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:32,866
[coughing]
274
00:11:32,909 --> 00:11:34,824
[straining] It's actually
pretty weak shit.
275
00:11:36,739 --> 00:11:40,656
[all screaming]
276
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:43,790
Whoa! Maybe this is stronger
than I thought.
277
00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:45,052
No, that really happened.
278
00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:46,793
Come on!
279
00:11:46,836 --> 00:11:49,621
[suspenseful music plays]
280
00:11:49,665 --> 00:11:52,102
The Yellow Brick Road?
281
00:11:52,146 --> 00:11:53,495
We must be in The Wizard of Oz.
282
00:11:53,538 --> 00:11:55,323
[Scarecrow and Tin Man
screaming]
283
00:11:55,366 --> 00:11:56,759
Oh, no!
Oh, no, oh, no!
284
00:11:56,803 --> 00:11:57,978
[whoosh]
285
00:11:58,021 --> 00:12:00,894
[Tin Man whimpering]
286
00:12:00,937 --> 00:12:03,766
Weird. There's a fire
in all these books.
287
00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:06,421
Oh, no.
I know what's happening.
288
00:12:06,464 --> 00:12:09,598
The librarian is
a recovering pyromaniac!
289
00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:13,645
She just got her 20-year chip
and congratulatory lighter!
290
00:12:13,689 --> 00:12:15,560
And now she's gonna
burn us to death!
291
00:12:15,604 --> 00:12:17,258
Roger, let's go!
292
00:12:17,301 --> 00:12:19,216
Of course, in the book,
the magic slippers
293
00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:21,610
are silver, not ruby.
That was just in the movie.
294
00:12:21,653 --> 00:12:24,831
In fact, Judy Garland has said
it was the ruby slippers alone
295
00:12:24,874 --> 00:12:27,007
that launched her career
as Judge Judy!
296
00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:30,619
We don't have time for...
Ooh! Those look good on you!
297
00:12:30,662 --> 00:12:31,814
- [dance music plays]
- Work it, girl!
298
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:34,884
Oh, yeah!
Now run, girl!
299
00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:37,495
♪
300
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:42,413
Stan Smith!
I knew I recognized you.
301
00:12:42,457 --> 00:12:44,981
You had that book signing here
a couple months ago.
302
00:12:46,635 --> 00:12:51,248
Book signings happen
at book stores. Dumbass.
303
00:12:51,292 --> 00:12:54,077
Hmm.
Was my failure as an author
304
00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:56,036
why I turned against reading?
305
00:12:56,079 --> 00:12:57,689
Guess I'll never know.
306
00:12:57,733 --> 00:12:59,779
Because I'm destroying
all the evidence!
307
00:13:04,218 --> 00:13:07,264
[both breathing heavily]
308
00:13:07,308 --> 00:13:09,527
Oh, thank God!
We're home!
309
00:13:09,571 --> 00:13:11,747
It must be because
of the magic slippers!
310
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:15,707
[lawn mower rumbling]
311
00:13:15,751 --> 00:13:18,493
Why does Stan look like
a tall, skinny baby?
312
00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:22,062
Uh-oh. That's how he describes
himself in his memoir.
313
00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:25,065
His memoir?
What do you mean, his "memoir"?
314
00:13:25,108 --> 00:13:26,675
I mean, we're still in a book!
315
00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:28,677
You didn't read
your husband's book?
316
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,419
It was self-published.
Yuck.
317
00:13:31,462 --> 00:13:34,814
I trust the coastal elites
to tell me what to read.
318
00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:36,076
Hey, look! It's you!
319
00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:37,773
[horn honks]
320
00:13:40,558 --> 00:13:42,691
[space-rock music plays]
321
00:13:42,734 --> 00:13:46,129
♪
322
00:13:46,173 --> 00:13:48,784
[guitar chord resonates]
323
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,873
And Stan gave you
itty bitty apple fritties.
324
00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:53,745
Does he think
I have small boobs?
325
00:13:53,789 --> 00:13:55,704
Or does he want me
to have small boobs?
326
00:13:55,747 --> 00:13:57,706
See, those are
the kinds of questions
327
00:13:57,749 --> 00:14:00,404
great literature provokes.
Now run!
328
00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:02,798
[lawn mower rumbling]
329
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:05,627
We're trapped!
330
00:14:05,670 --> 00:14:09,022
If we die in Stan's memoir,
do we die in real life?!
331
00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:11,372
Well, I think I'll be fine.
I don't know about you.
332
00:14:11,415 --> 00:14:13,591
- What do you mean?!
- Because of this!
333
00:14:13,635 --> 00:14:15,855
- [flames rush]
- I don't burn!
334
00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:17,769
Being an alien's a hoot!
335
00:14:17,813 --> 00:14:20,250
Why have you been running
from the fire this whole time
336
00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:21,904
if you're gonna survive?!
337
00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:23,993
I was trying to get
my 10,000 steps in.
338
00:14:24,037 --> 00:14:25,952
Plus, if my heart rate
gets over 90,
339
00:14:25,995 --> 00:14:27,344
I get an extra dessert.
340
00:14:27,388 --> 00:14:29,433
I'm thinking...
bananas Foster?
341
00:14:31,305 --> 00:14:33,873
[flames whoosh]
342
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:36,571
These are good.
I see why people like these.
343
00:14:36,614 --> 00:14:37,877
[glass shatters]
344
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,835
And there's no cleanup!
345
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,055
Seriously?
Nothing, Francine?
346
00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:44,231
I'm working my ass off here
so you can meet the devil
347
00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:45,623
with a smile on your face.
348
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:48,713
[wind rushes]
349
00:14:48,757 --> 00:14:50,628
How the hell did that happen?
350
00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:53,675
[blowing]
I can't destroy my own work!
351
00:14:53,718 --> 00:14:56,983
I put four hours of my life
into writing it.
352
00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:59,289
We gotta figure out how
to get out of these books!
353
00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:02,292
Yes! So I can find out
why Stan gave me
354
00:15:02,336 --> 00:15:04,642
those eensy weensy baby boobies!
355
00:15:06,383 --> 00:15:08,037
[jet engines whirring]
356
00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:10,561
Jesus!
What is that smell?!
357
00:15:10,605 --> 00:15:12,128
[passengers coughing]
358
00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:13,956
Oh, no! Nooo!
359
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,306
This is the flight when
I took that poisonous dump!
360
00:15:16,350 --> 00:15:18,482
- [passengers coughing]
- Uch!
361
00:15:18,526 --> 00:15:21,137
Did someone burn the hair
off a dead squirrel?!
362
00:15:21,181 --> 00:15:24,314
I don't smell anything.
[sniffs]
363
00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:27,622
Hey! This awful smell
is ruining the Kind bar
364
00:15:27,665 --> 00:15:30,190
I bought at the airport for $17!
365
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:33,845
Ugh! The stench is drifting
into first class!
366
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:35,804
Over my dead body!
367
00:15:35,847 --> 00:15:39,155
All coach passengers,
link arms to protect the rich!
368
00:15:42,245 --> 00:15:44,125
PILOT: On behalf of
the flight crew, I apologize
369
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,249
for the smell
coming from our lavatory.
370
00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:49,209
We're gonna have to make
an emergency landing in Omaha.
371
00:15:49,252 --> 00:15:51,776
I know it smells only
slightly better in Omaha,
372
00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:54,083
but they're the only airport
who will accept us.
373
00:15:54,127 --> 00:15:55,780
ANNOUNCER: Omaha!
374
00:15:55,824 --> 00:15:58,000
[thud]
375
00:15:58,044 --> 00:15:59,480
STAN:
This is unbelievable!
376
00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:01,612
I'm not going to rest
until I find out
377
00:16:01,656 --> 00:16:04,485
whose dump destroyed
this plane's bathroom!
378
00:16:04,528 --> 00:16:07,705
And if I do somehow rest,
it will be the fitful sleep
379
00:16:07,749 --> 00:16:10,186
of a man who doesn't know
who took said dump.
380
00:16:10,230 --> 00:16:11,971
[passengers coughing]
381
00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:15,975
This is so embarrassing!
How could Stan publish this?!
382
00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:18,281
I wanna go back
to the real world!
383
00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:21,806
Maybe we would go back
if Stan couldn't publish this.
384
00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:23,765
What do you mean?
385
00:16:23,808 --> 00:16:26,463
I mean, if his memoir didn't
exist, we couldn't be in it.
386
00:16:26,507 --> 00:16:29,162
Right. What keeps a book
from getting published?
387
00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:30,946
Well, they wouldn't
publish my book
388
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,340
because it had an unacceptable
amount of bestiality.
389
00:16:33,383 --> 00:16:35,385
Only 14 scenes!
390
00:16:35,429 --> 00:16:39,128
Great! Let's throw a little
bestiality up in this memoir!
391
00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:42,044
That blind guy's German Shepherd
is probably DTF,
392
00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:43,828
so get to it!
393
00:16:43,872 --> 00:16:45,917
[dog barks]
394
00:16:45,961 --> 00:16:47,484
The dog turned me down.
395
00:16:47,528 --> 00:16:49,791
Because it thinks
it's better than me!
396
00:16:49,834 --> 00:16:53,012
Okay. What else could keep this
memoir from being published?
397
00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:56,580
Well, you can't self-publish
on Amazon if it has bestiality,
398
00:16:56,624 --> 00:16:58,278
pedophilia, bomb making...
399
00:16:58,321 --> 00:17:00,410
Bomb making?!
Let's do that one!
400
00:17:00,454 --> 00:17:02,891
One hitch... I don't know
how to make a bomb.
401
00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:05,676
I know it's kind of bougie,
but I always buy them pre-made.
402
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,244
Girl, I could make
a pipe bomb in my sleep.
403
00:17:08,288 --> 00:17:09,874
But you don't have
any of the ingredients.
404
00:17:09,898 --> 00:17:12,422
Yeah, but we can
rewrite this memoir
405
00:17:12,466 --> 00:17:14,033
like we did Pride and Prejudice.
406
00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:17,601
[passengers coughing]
407
00:17:17,645 --> 00:17:21,214
A gallon of rubber cement,
a half cup of salt,
408
00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:24,391
10 pounds of manure,
a steel pipe,
409
00:17:24,434 --> 00:17:26,871
and a Barbie leg for a fuse.
410
00:17:26,915 --> 00:17:29,787
- Voilà! Pipe bomb.
- You did it!
411
00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:30,875
BOTH: Aaaaahhhh!
412
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,835
Hey!
There's my rake!
413
00:17:33,878 --> 00:17:35,793
It's actually not.
I-I brought this from home.
414
00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:37,143
What a weird lie.
415
00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:38,579
I'm a weird guy.
416
00:17:38,622 --> 00:17:40,450
Aaaah!
417
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:42,670
Aw, come on!
I just raked that!
418
00:17:42,713 --> 00:17:44,802
Did I actually make it back?
419
00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:47,066
Just in time to ruin my pile.
420
00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:48,850
[sadly]
My precious pile.
421
00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:51,635
Stan.
I-I have to be honest.
422
00:17:51,679 --> 00:17:55,117
I don't come
to the library to read.
423
00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:56,597
I come here to poop.
424
00:17:56,640 --> 00:18:00,035
In the books? Nice!
So you are a jock!
425
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,472
No, Stan.
In the bathroom.
426
00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:04,126
To hide my real secret.
427
00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:06,346
Aaah!
Sorry I'm late.
428
00:18:06,389 --> 00:18:08,826
I jumped into the book 1984
to go back
429
00:18:08,870 --> 00:18:12,047
and get the Daytona Beach
spring break I always wanted.
430
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:15,703
Suffice it to say,
it was not totally tubular.
431
00:18:15,746 --> 00:18:18,314
♪
432
00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:19,924
I don't get it, Francine.
433
00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:23,014
Your secret is you eat tacos
in the bathroom stall?
434
00:18:23,058 --> 00:18:24,407
That's not so bad.
435
00:18:24,451 --> 00:18:26,453
I once went back to get
the half cup of beer
436
00:18:26,496 --> 00:18:28,063
I left on the toilet
at Shea Stadium.
437
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,065
Although it was
completely untouched
438
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,807
and even more full than before,
it's still a little gross.
439
00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:35,592
FRANCINE: I don't always
eat tacos in the bathroom,
440
00:18:35,636 --> 00:18:39,030
but I do always end up
in the bathroom afterwards.
441
00:18:39,074 --> 00:18:40,336
[door hinges creak]
442
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,644
- What?
- Sir, in your story,
443
00:18:43,687 --> 00:18:45,646
I think you were
drinking pee-pee!
444
00:18:45,689 --> 00:18:48,605
No, little girl.
It was just delicious hot beer!
445
00:18:48,649 --> 00:18:51,173
FRANCINE: Are you getting
a whiff of anything yet?
446
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:52,522
Like what?
447
00:18:52,566 --> 00:18:54,133
[air rushes]
448
00:18:57,875 --> 00:19:00,095
Oh, God!
449
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:01,618
- Omaha was you!
- [toilet flushes]
450
00:19:01,662 --> 00:19:03,881
I know.
451
00:19:03,925 --> 00:19:05,927
How could you hide this from me?
452
00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:07,494
I was raised to think a woman
453
00:19:07,537 --> 00:19:09,887
should keep some mystery
in her marriage.
454
00:19:09,931 --> 00:19:11,672
But I don't want that.
455
00:19:11,715 --> 00:19:13,630
I want to know everything
about you, Francine.
456
00:19:13,674 --> 00:19:16,677
You do?!
Even the gross stuff?
457
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,548
Yes, especially the gross stuff.
458
00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:21,160
But you seemed so upset
on the plane.
459
00:19:21,203 --> 00:19:22,987
Yeah, I was mad I didn't
get to shake hands
460
00:19:23,031 --> 00:19:24,946
with the butt
that made that mess!
461
00:19:24,989 --> 00:19:27,209
It was hilarious! Everyone
on the plane was like...
462
00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:30,081
Ugh-ugh-eghh-egh-egh!
463
00:19:30,125 --> 00:19:34,129
Wow! That is a weight
off my shoulders.
464
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,652
You know what?
465
00:19:35,696 --> 00:19:37,698
I'm gonna poop at home
from now on,
466
00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:40,091
no matter how smelly it is.
467
00:19:40,135 --> 00:19:43,182
I would love nothing more,
Francine.
468
00:19:43,225 --> 00:19:45,545
Although I don't think you can
ever top your airplane poop.
469
00:19:45,575 --> 00:19:47,490
Nothing will ever be funnier
than that.
470
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:49,884
Is that why you put it
in your memoir?
471
00:19:49,927 --> 00:19:51,364
You read my memoir?
472
00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:54,105
Yeah! It really...
sucked me in.
473
00:19:54,149 --> 00:19:55,933
That's so sweet of you.
474
00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:58,216
Man, that thing was terrible.
No one would even publish it.
475
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:02,113
Well, those coastal elites are
out of touch with what's good.
476
00:20:02,157 --> 00:20:05,682
But, hey, why'd you write
about me having a flat chest?
477
00:20:05,726 --> 00:20:07,510
What was that all about?
478
00:20:07,554 --> 00:20:09,556
Flat chest?
Oh, that must be a typo.
479
00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:11,384
I meant to write
"fat chest."
480
00:20:11,427 --> 00:20:13,473
I love them fat sacks, baby!
481
00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:15,214
Oh, Stan.
482
00:20:15,257 --> 00:20:17,694
You always know
just what to say.
483
00:20:17,738 --> 00:20:19,305
[indistinct conversations]
484
00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:24,397
I was a little surprised
to find a website
485
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,312
that matched depressed singles
with each other.
486
00:20:26,355 --> 00:20:28,575
But look at you!
487
00:20:28,618 --> 00:20:30,794
Score for Klaus!
488
00:20:30,838 --> 00:20:33,841
You didn't say in your e-Sadness
profile that you're a fish.
489
00:20:33,884 --> 00:20:35,973
Oh, I see
the miscommunication here.
490
00:20:36,017 --> 00:20:37,279
[chuckles] I was lying.
491
00:20:37,323 --> 00:20:40,848
Yeah, I don't date liars.
492
00:20:40,891 --> 00:20:44,765
Oh, and, by the way,
I'm super into sex.
493
00:20:44,808 --> 00:20:46,984
Well, you didn't explicitly
say in your profile
494
00:20:47,028 --> 00:20:48,551
that you weren't a fish!
495
00:20:48,595 --> 00:20:50,988
And you don't see me
crying about it!
496
00:20:51,032 --> 00:20:53,382
[sobbing]
497
00:20:53,426 --> 00:20:56,820
I miss sex!
498
00:20:56,864 --> 00:20:58,474
Bye-bye! See you soon!
499
00:20:58,524 --> 00:21:03,074
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